Why Men Stay Stuck in the Blame Loop

As long as we blame somebody else first take responsibility for ourselves Like we can't make peace with our past or move forward towards a better future In fact, if you're if you're constantly blaming somebody else for where you're at Like you're actually carrying pieces of that painful past With you wherever you go All right, welcome back to gaining ground everybody my name is landon and i'm here with my dad drew dad How you doing this morning? I'm doing great. All right Let's go All right. All right do this. Hey, we're all about helping men grow and Dad today we're talking about how to avoid men staying stuck in the blame loop blame loop Uh how we all have this gravitational pull towards blaming somebody else over taking responsibility for ourselves. So Uh dad, what what do you what comes to mind for you when you think about the blame loop? And maybe is there something funny or memorable that you tried one time to blame somebody else instead of taking responsibility for something? Well, I don't know what it says about me, but I instead of thinking about something I did I think about something you did son Wow Yeah, so I did a 180 already. Yeah serious self-awareness. It's a big deal. Let me think about that I mean, i'm, you know, i'm not one to blame others, but Uh, no, I think about I mean, I don't even remember how old you were, but we had this couch It was kind of a light blue couch and Um, was this in indiana? This this was I think this was at whitby Okay in grapevine. Okay. Okay. I don't I don't remember that couch for some time It's been for some reason I don't know if you were mad at your little brother your your little brother who had never done anything wrong to you at that To that point. That's not true that i'm aware of And uh, you took a sharpie like a black sharpie And you marked you marked up the couch and then you just I remember this you put from luke Which was not the smartest thing to do because at the time I don't think luke was even old enough to write yet So I think he didn't think that one through So so I ask you a question about taking responsibility and instead you tell one deferred me

Yeah, when I was seven and drew a smiley face, which for what it's worth. I do remember. Do you remember doing that? Yeah, I do that couch is a light blue couch. It was good. It was awful It needs to be lit on fire, which is that was your way of trying to get rid of the couch Yeah, it was really bad We couldn't afford it And I remember I drew a smiley face with his tongue sticking out and had a little you know Like little spit coming out and then a little from luke which I thought was genius at the time But yes to your point, um, I should have taken a picture of that but before iphones Yeah, okay. All right. Well, uh, that's what I think I thought of I don't know Yeah, uh, I got one that comes to mind for me A pretty pretty significant one and uh, I think all the guys that are mechanically inclined, uh that are listening to this right now you're definitely going to Judge me and think less of me and that's okay. So my wife had a Hyundai tucson And in the middle of art, you remember this story? I know this in the middle of our move from california to texas Uh, you know things get busy, right? we had our first daughter holly and you're you know, you're trying to figure out how to manage your life and Uh shout out to parents of young kids. I mean man, it's it's it's a Uh a circus sometimes and sometimes if you're honest you forget, you know, like little little maintenance things you got to do So anyway, one one day we're driving, uh to houston because my wife had a client down in houston. We live in dallas And uh, we have this, you know weekend away together, you know She only had to work for a few hours and we got to hang out in tropical houston Uh, which shout out to houston though great food Um, anyway as we were coming back up i'm sure we're going, you know 35 north or whatever it is 45 and and the car Uh, it's super bowl sunday. So I wanted to get back for the game yeah, and the car starts to make this sound that sounded like Uh, like remember when you were a kid and you used to put a baseball card in your bike spoke Yeah, clickety clicks. Yeah. Yeah started clicking which I don't i'm not a mechanic but that is not a good thing

Should have been your first clue. Yeah, that's not good Yeah, but you know my personality to get to the super my personality is just hey gripping rip it right like let's just go uh Pedal to the metal honey And so she did and and right as we pull like we're probably a mile from our house and we get in the middle of this intersection and the car absolutely just stops And she's looking at me and i'm one mile from the house Yeah, she's looking at me and i'm looking at her and so I get out of the car and all of a sudden it was Like you want to talk about like hope for humanity all these they were like football players And I say football but they're literally in their jerseys. They get out of the car and they start pushing My car and they're looking at me going dude. What happened? I'm like, I don't know but keep pushing So we push we push we push. Well, anyway, I call my friend nate who uh Works on cars and is you know, really awesome And he's like i'm like dude, what do you think happened? He's like, well, have you checked the oil? I was like, no, I didn't even think about that He's like check the oil. He said when you pull out the dipstick if it looks like glitter, that's really bad I was like He's like, looks like glitter, what do you mean? He's like, well, that'll be shavings from the metal of the engine, and it could be blown. And I was like, gosh, that sounds expensive. I don't wanna do that. This sounds horrible. And so I pull out the dipstick, and it's complete, I mean, shimmery, like, just glitter. And I look at, and he asked me, he goes, hey man, when's the last time you changed the oil? And I look at my wife, and I said,

honey, when's the last time you got the oil changed? She looks back at me, and she says, when's the last time you got the oil changed? We're going back and forth. This was your, it's your car, you gotta do it. She's like, you're the man. This is part of your job description when we got married. Turns out, we hadn't changed the oil in that car for like 40,000 miles. Wow. And completely blew the engine. And for what it's worth, now, I take full responsibility for that. Well, you have to, because, I mean, I've been married to your mom 38 years. I don't think she's ever changed the oil in her car, ever. Listen, I'm sure that's true. And I'm, yes, now I will get the oil changed, but there are certain things that I do that you don't do. I mean, if we're being, that's true, that's very true. Have you ever unloaded the dishwasher? It's been years. Okay, thank you, case in point. But my mistake was a lot more expensive. I will say this, son, I own some of this. I probably should have. Okay, good, that's what we're gonna talk about today. I probably should have made a flyby on oil changes. Okay. So this is partly my fault.

You'd think it was common sense, but yes, I should have. Yeah, if we're just gonna keep continuing the blame loop, I just wanna say, you never taught me to change the oil. I didn't teach you to change. Not at all. My dad did teach me to change the people. Shout out to people. Taught me to change the oil, yeah. Okay, all right, so look, here's what I learned from that. In that moment, I wanted to blame everything on my wife, which I know every single one of us, whether it's your wife, your girlfriend, your friend, co-worker, whoever, can relate to that. So we're talking about responsibility and how we all, how men of God specifically, right? We take responsibility for our actions, no matter how much, and we'll talk about this in a minute, like percentage, if you break everything down to a percentage of how much fault, your fault it is versus somebody else's. Like why, dad, do you think it's so easy for us as men to react like that? Like, hey, when you're looking at a situation in your marriage, your relationships, your friendships, in your workspace, why is it so easy to point the finger before we take a breath? Like it's almost natural for us. Well, this is a tale as old as time. It's so much easier to see other people's faults than to see your own.

We have these blind spots, and I think, you know, I think back to Jesus talked about this in the Sermon on the Mount, toward the end of the Sermon on the Mount, one of the most profound moments, he looks out at all these people, and I think he's probably speaking to the Pharisees as well, but in Matthew 7, you know, he says, why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but you do not notice the log that is in your own eye? There's another translation that says plank. You got a plank run out of your eye. How can you say to your brother, let me take that speck out of your eye when there's a log in your own eye? And then he says, you hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you'll see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. So this is a tale as old as time, being able to see other people's faults and not our own. And I think obviously a gift of the Holy Spirit is probably being able to discern, hey, this is on me. And so we have to figure out a way to get there. Well, it takes humility. It takes the ability to have like that, you know, you gotta be able, you gotta be humble enough to ask the Holy Spirit to show you where you screwed up, right? And I think from like a leadership context

and every guy has the opportunity to lead. Leaders who take responsibility grow, leaders who blame stay stuck. Well, and that's why as we go through Gaining Ground, we're encouraging every man to get some community and accountability in his life. This is so important because if you have people that actually care about you, they'll be able to say, dude, look, this is what I'm observing about you. This is what I'm seeing about you. But this is a tale as old as time. In fact, it goes back a lot further than- Right, I was thinking like- Sermon on the Mount. Yeah, Sermon on the Mount, but what about like Adam and Eve, right? I mean, that's like- What about the Garden of Eden? That's pretty old. First two people on planet Earth and what do they start doing? I mean, you know, it's you got Adam, you got Eve, you got the serpent. And then from my understanding of the first few chapters of Genesis, right? You've got Adam and then God creates Eve and, you know, they're told, hey, don't eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. And of course, what do they do, right?

The serpent tempts Eve. She bites the apple. She blames the snake. She blames the snake, right? God confronts her and says, hey, it was the serpent. And then God confronts Adam after he took a bite of the apple. And what does he say? He blames her. He says, hey, it was the woman. that you gave me. Yeah, it's this woman. And so, from the very first moments in human history, you see this hard wiring in human beings to not take responsibility and to pass the blame. And man, I just like, thinking about that, it's so convicting to me because I realized, like I like to think of myself as somebody who takes responsibility, who wants to grow. And then, now that I've like had this, I guess to put on this mindset, I realized how stinking prevalent it is in my own life. And what I realized and what I've learned, like as I've tried to gain ground in this area is just as long as we blame somebody else for take responsibility for ourselves, like we can't make peace with our past or move forward towards a better future. In fact, if you're constantly blaming somebody else for where you're at, like you're actually carrying

pieces of that painful past with you wherever you go, right, people talk about baggage. I mean, that's some serious baggage. And what I've learned and seen is like, I've looked at successful leaders and I'd love to hear what you think about this too, is like successful people take responsibility for their life. 100%. Like you can't find somebody that's on the top of anything that is blaming others to the top. Right. Like that doesn't happen. Yeah. Okay, so dad, what do you think about like that? And then just make this practical, like where do you see men blaming the most, like in real life right now, where they're not taking responsibility? Like think practically, what do you think it is? Like the guys listening to this podcast, we're not careful. What are some traps that we can step in? Well, it's so damaging. I mean, it's damaging in the workplace. It's certainly damaging at home and blaming others. It's the classic blame game. And I think that probably one of the things it does, it's a relationship wrecker, first of all. Yeah. Okay.

It wrecks our relationship. It can be a real joy robber in the family when you see others just blaming. People recognize that weakness in you. It's devastating. Okay, so like you're talking marriage, family, like if you come home and gosh, I'll be honest, one that like really, okay, so if you're in a relationship or marriage and your wife stays home and you come home, hard work day and she's got kids and they're jumping all over and all those sorts of things. And like the dishes are still in the sink. Yeah. And, or the laundry's not done or the house is a complete wreck and you've got your butt kicked all day long at work or had tough meetings or whatever. And you come home and you see that stuff. You say the unthinkable. Which is what? What have you been doing all day? Yeah, that's not a good idea. Which is just, which is an inquisition that reeks of blame. And then, and the right route would be what? Now I know you don't do this because you said you never done the dishes. Well. But it would be. Hey, honey, I know,

I can't imagine how hard your day has been. I mean, from, you know, from the looks of things, you've had a difficult day. Let me help you. Yeah. Let me, let me. Because that's taking responsibility in that moment. Even in small, tiny things, like it can change your marriage, it can change your relationships. I think about like in, you know, I obviously I've worked at churches all my life, but I've had bosses at every juncture of ministry. To me, the people that have been the most influential are the ones that have had the humility to say, hey, look, this is on me. I'm so sorry. Yep. And I have, I've told this before, I've said this in messages, three words that you need to learn to say, I'm so sorry. I think just being able to own what is rightfully yours. And I think we don't do that enough. And I think if we would just learn to say, I'm so sorry from time to time, it would, I'm not saying every day. I mean, you're getting to get, at some point when you stop making mistakes, right? Well, the reality is, is there's two things we're not saying.

One, we're not saying be a doormat. Okay, that's not gaining ground. That's not taking responsibility. So we've all met that person that just apologizes for stuff is not even their fault. And they just kind of, they just kind of fall over. We're not asking you to do that. That's, that's not being. Well, that's unhealthy insecurity. Right. That's manipulation. You don't, you don't want that. We're also, we're also, by the way, not talking about moments that were a hundred percent not your fault. Yeah. Like, like there, there are situations that, gosh, if you're a child and there was abuse, or, you know, anything that fits in that category, I'm not, we're not talking about that. But, but I think the things that can help us grow is like, dude, in your job, like if you're in leadership, if you're in sales, you know, it's, it's easy to blame. Well, the economy's tough. And that client was unreasonable and corporate doesn't give us enough resources or that guy's a jerk or, you know, my wife doesn't understand what, whatever. or listen, what I've learned is there is always something that I can be accountable for a lot of times it is, Hey, you know what, I'm sorry.

Like I had too much emotion in that email that I sent. Now I still believe what I said, but I apologize for my approach. And, and you know, one time, uh, gosh, I'm thinking about this right now. Um, when I was in California, uh, being a youth pastor, I was 22 years old. Um, my boss's name, senior pastor of East side, if you're ever in Orange County, make sure you go to East side, amazing church, Jean Apple, shout out to Jean Apple. And I spent, um, uh, five years there and it was so formative in my, you know, formation and leadership journey and everything. And I remember I hired this lady. Um, she was older than me. She was probably in her, I don't know, late thirties, early forties, and I was 22 years old. Right. So I'm leading this person who's, um, considerably older than me, had a lot more experience in life. I've been there and yeah, it was, it was really tough anyway. I, I hire her because I knew she could do something that I couldn't write. She could connect with parents who thought I was some dumb 22 year old kid and she was somebody with wisdom. So we, we go through this, uh, hiring process and, and, and I was kind of nervous that there was going to be some tension because of what I, you know, she's older than me and everything. And so she gets on staff. I'm about to leave to go on paternity leave. We're about to have Hallie. And right the day before I leave, she quits. She lasted a month and I'm devastated. And honestly, it was a very, very hard month that she was on staff. There was constant tension.

Um, she didn't trust me. It was a culture misfit for sure. And so she quits. And my first thought is I'm the worst leader on planet earth. I'm never going to make it in ministry. I'm never going to make it in leadership. Our whole ministry is ruined. You know, I'm just like spiraling, right. And, and I go to lunch with Jean senior pastor and I tell him this and I'm like, dude, I'm so sorry. You know, I don't know how it's going to work. I don't know what our ministry is going to do. And he looks at me and he goes, Hey, Landon, here's the deal. Um, it sounds like most of this was incompatible from the beginning. He said, sometimes you're not going to make the right hire. And you know what? I don't think you need to beat yourself up on this. Here's what I want you to do instead. He said, even if this is 99% her fault and 1% yours, I want you to own your 1% figure out that 1%. Yeah. I want you to own your 1%. What could you have done? And, and dude, that shifted everything to me. Yeah. Like, like it, cause it, cause it, it, it put on this new framework of like, Hey, no matter what situation I'm in, man, that 1%, like if I grab a hold of that and try to devote, like I am going to steward that 1% now, the point of the story is not to look at every situation in your life and go, well, is this 60% my fault and 40% that that's not the teaching.

The teaching is this when we take responsibility, like, like we have our hands on the steering wheel of, of where we go, you know what I mean? And every relationship in life, whether it be work or, or, uh, you know, you're in school, you're, you're in college. Um, and there's a group project, whatever it is. So, so where I've learned, um, I'm, I'm like, uh, in danger is when I'm not looking to own that 1%. So what were you about to say? So I was going to say, what's, what's really awesome about this story is that you had someone to speak into your life that was able to make you aware of that. And that is so crucial. I want to tell you a quick story about my life when I had been. So I I'm, I'm pastoring a church in the Dallas Fort Worth area. It's called Compass Church. I'm in my 25th year there. But after my 10th year, we had really started to grow and I went in for my review and there was just one guy giving me a review. It was a chairman of our elders. Awesome guy. He's a great friend of mine. Love this guy. And, uh, he sat down with me and I, I, I walked in and I was a little bit proud of myself. Like I was like. Like you're crushing it. Man, I'm crushing it. Yeah. This church has doubled since I've been here. Uh, man, our, we are up into the right giving is great. You know, everything was really, all the metrics were solid.

And I thought, man, this is going to be an amazing review. And he starts out and he says, I'm worried about you, Drew. And I'm like, Oh, and you just felt like you got a gut punch. Oh, okay. What are you worried about? He goes, you seem to be a super stressed. And he goes, honestly, you're not a very encouraging leader. Sometimes I've, I've gotten a little feedback from your team and they say that it can be a very discouraging place to work sometimes that you're always focusing on what they're doing wrong. And I thought it was a monumentally unfair way to start the review. And so I, I, I just was mad. I was upset. I listened to him. He said some good things toward the end. I even got a raise, but, but here's what was amazing about that. Right? So it wasn't. All bad. It wasn't all bad. No. Right. And that's, that's a good leader. Not, not at all. That's a good leader because he gave you hard feedback, but he still had a value. I just thought he, I just don't think he should have led with it. But anyway, so, so here's what, but here's what was just devastating. I went home to your mom and I walk in the door and she goes, well, how'd it go? She knew I had a review and I said, Bob said that I'm not a very encouraging leader that I sometimes I'm a little harsh and your mom, I was expecting

her to just like, Oh honey, I'm so sorry. She looked at me and she goes, yeah, I could see that. And I was like, what? She goes, yeah, you're a little intense sometimes. And I was just devastated by that. And so I, I will tell you this though. It changed my life as a leader. There was a real pivot and I, I thought, look, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be the most encouraging leader that's ever led, you know, and of course I'm not. But at the same time, from that point on, I was resolute. So it, it, it was a difficult day, but it really helped me. And I realized I had to own that, that it had to be true. It had to be obviously true. So that was a big day. Well, I appreciate you sharing that story. You know, I think that illustrates like this perspective in a sense of when we own 1%, like our 1%, and again, it can be more than that, but when we recognize that in every situation, there's something for us to own, we become in charge of our growth. Like, like I think a lot of times when we're, when you're just like defecting blame, you're, you're, you're essentially saying subconsciously, I can't grow until this other person changes. And that's a dangerous place to be. In fact, you're not going to grow. It's going to like, it's going to stunt your growth. And like, I think about it this way, like, um, okay. So, so, uh, blame is the basket that carries your issues into your future. And, and I don't know why I don't want to say that. Say that again. So, so blame is the basket that carries your, your issues in the future.

And I don't know why we keep talking about laundry today, but, uh, blame is the basket that carries your future. Like if you have a, if you have a white t-shirt and you go out and, uh, I don't know, you're, you're, you're working in a field or whatever, or you're, you're doing yard work and, and I mean, you're covered in mud, you're covered in dirt, you're covered in grime. And I want you to think about how every single one of those, like, like imperfections represents stuff that's happened to you in your life. Some of that could be your fault, situations you made decisions, you made relationships, you got into that, you know, you shouldn't have, and then there's the other stuff, right. And you hold it up and you're going, look, look what everybody's done and look at this dirt and look at this crime and look at this mistake. And then somebody who loves you goes, Hey, I see all that stuff, but, but what about that piece right there? Like, wasn't that your fault? And you want to go, no, no, no, no, no, listen, I wouldn't have done that if they wouldn't have done that to me. And you see what I'm saying is, is blame is the basket that can carry our issues into the future. Blame is easy, isn't it? Like responsibility is powerful. And what you and I can be guilty of is if we're constantly pointing the finger of everything that's ever happened in our life, like, like we can actually to use the metaphor, carry that basket with us into future relationships. Look, you can pass blame down to generations. Yeah. I mean, what the Bible talks about words can carry the, what is it? The power of life and death, power of life and death. And, and so what, what I don't want to do is like, I don't want to carry the

crap that's happened to me on to Holly and Scotty, my four and one year old. So many times, part of the reason why I'm in counseling is because, you know, you pass stuff on to me. I mean, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Hey, let, let's pivot a little bit. Let, let Landon, you, you have a, I think you have a really unique perspective on this because of your role at God behind bars. I mean, like, like, uh, talk a little bit about what you've learned about blame there, because you walk into that place, you know, and I, I mean, I have, I have only been around, uh, prison ministry for, for about a year now, and I have learned so much from those dudes hanging out with them, hearing their stories. Cause you get the real raw uncut, uh, story when you're with them. And I didn't know, is there something, I don't know. Yeah. So basically for the, uh, I, I helped like steward an organization called God behind bars. And so we do prison ministry all over America, soon to be all over the world. And, you know, I have a chance to like run into some awesome, awesome people. And so here's the reality of the prison landscape. 95% of inmates is a national statistic for the U S um, are not serving life sentences. So, um, 95% of them will get out, right? 70% of them will re-offend within three years. That's called the recidivism rate. So Seven out of ten will go back in within three years. Correct. They'll re-offend. I did not know that. I knew it was high. I didn't know it was that high. So, basically, that's generational incarceration.

So, you want to talk about the blame basket, carrying your issues in the future. Generational incarceration is huge, and one of the things we want to do is break the cycle of generational incarceration. Yeah. And so, like, I've been able to see the guys that have done that, and they come from circumstances that are just crazy. Like, I remember the first time I went into prison, I walked into, and it was actually up in Wichita Falls, at the Allred unit. At Allred. And I walk into this room, and there's this guy, and there was, like, a character development thing, you know, and they're talking about, it's led by inmates, so it's peer-led, and these dudes are G5, so they're, like, highest level of security you can possibly get. Yeah, some of them are murder one. Serious level offenders. Anyway, there's this dude in the room. We walk in there, and, you know, we're, like, filming podcasts and stuff. So, we walk in there, and we got a film crew with us, and before these people even see us, this dude is, like, he's preaching, right? He's standing in the middle of this room, he's got, like, 50 other inmates around him, and he's passionately going after them about, like, being men who take responsibility

and being great fathers, even though they only see their kids twice a year. Like, all this, like, crazy painful stuff because of the decisions that they've made that have led them in this, into this place. But he's talking about taking responsibility, like, being a man after God's own heart. So, this dude was, like, so, this dude was authentic, man. And so, this guy comes up to me while I'm watching this other dude talk, and he taps me on the shoulder, he says, Pastor, he says, do you want to hear a story of redemption? And I was like, yeah, man. He's like, do you want to hear about how God can restore the broken and reunite families and, you know, go after the prodigal? I'm in, like, this guy was just, like, preaching. I'm like, dude, do you want to preach next week at our church? Like, heck yeah, bro. Like, tell me about it. He's like, Pastor, that man in the middle of the room says he's my older brother. And he said, when I was 13 years old, my older brother came up to me, handed me a bag of weed and said, go make money. This is what you do with your life. And so, he tells me this story of how they grew up on the south side of Fort Worth,

and their family was all, you know, part of gangs and stuff. And so, they ran drugs and, you know, prostitution and all kinds of crazy stuff. And he's like, I did that. I started at 13, and I got everything, you know, I wanted, at least that I thought I wanted. I had money, I had cars, I had, you know, fame in this little fishbowl, until I didn't. And I got locked up, you know, I got... And there were four brothers in this family. He was the youngest, and they all end up in prison. So, there's that generational incarceration thing. And long story short, the guy that's telling me this story meets Jesus in prison. He hadn't seen his older brother in years, because his older brother got locked up before he did. Somehow, some way, God orchestrated this, where his older brother gets transferred to this prison. And he, because he took responsibility for his life, this guy's name is Carlos, who's telling me this story. Carlos had the opportunity to make a change. He accepts Christ, then he shares Jesus with his brother. His brother accepts Christ. He gets to baptize his brother. And he told me about this moment, which is just such a mic drop. He said, I got the opportunity. God gave me this.

That I got to go up to my older brother and say, older brother, when I was 13, you handed me a bag of weed and said, go make money. And now, older brother, I'm handing you a Bible and saying, go and make disciples. Wow. And dude, it was just like, it was so groundbreaking for me of, holy crap, this is what it looks like to take responsibility. That dude had every reason in the book to say, this is who I am. This is what my family does. This is our family business. These are the cards that I've been dealt. And what did he do? He got to the end of himself. He decided to take responsibility. And as a result, he got to change his entire family line. You want to talk about like blame basket? Broke the blame cycle. Like that's washing all that stuff clean, doing what Jesus can only do, and then passing that stuff on. It's amazing. It's just incredible. It is so damaging. And this is why we're talking about this today, because if you want to gain ground, if you want to gain ground, you have to be able to understand what you need to own.

Blaming forfeits our ability to see where we've messed up. And we overlook it. And we're never going to overcome it unless we own up to it. It's huge. Do you remember, Dad, do you remember when we heard Matt Reagan talk about, Matt Reagan is a pastor at Southeast Christian Church. Do you remember when we heard him talk about I love Matt Reagan. He's awesome. The thermometer versus thermostat thing? Yeah, absolutely. That's perfect. I thought it was so brilliant. I thought it was so brilliant. Basically, guys, what he was talking about is he wants men, he was trying to call men. to be in thermostats, not thermometers. And here's what he said, right? So, um, you're either gonna be a thermometer or you're gonna be a thermostat. And what he meant by that was, a thermometer does what? It... It absolutely stays with the room. Right, it takes the temperature of the room. Takes the temperature of the room, and it's right, it just, it's there. So it has no ability to change the room. All it does is tell you what's going on in the room. This is what's going on in the room, and it, you know, it's a part of it. Right, so these are the people that walk into any room

and they become a part of that room. They don't change the temperature of the room. If you walk in that room and gossip is going on, or people talking BS, what are you gonna do? You're gonna do that. Be a part of it. Like, you're gonna be a part of it. That's what he's saying is a thermometer. Anybody can be a thermometer. Anybody can be a thermometer. In fact, we got a world full of thermometers. And then there's thermostats. What do thermostats have the ability to do? They have the ability to change the temperature in the room. When it's hot in the room, you can make it cold. When it's cold, you can make it hot. Right, so he's saying, men, be thermostats in every area you're in. What do you do, right? First of all, you gotta be plugged into a power source. Our power source is what? The Holy Spirit of God. And as a result, we can change the temperature in any room that we walk into. And it's incredible. I think about how many times in the Gospels where Jesus is looking out at the people or he's teaching the disciples and he say, it's been said, you've heard that it's been said, but I say to you, you'd be different. You'd be different. You'd be different. You'd be different. You'd be a thermostat. Well, and you know what's amazing? I think about a thermostat, as we talked about, it's plugged into a power source, the Holy Spirit of God.

And that's what we're trying to do right here. And two, thermostats are not always like the star of the show. Like how many times have you taken people on a house tour and gone, hey, look at our thermostat. You never do that, right? But at the same time, what is mostly responsible for the comfort level of your own home? Yeah. Manage the thermostat. Yeah. And so I just want to say, like, you don't have to be a CEO to be a thermostat. You don't have to have a million Instagram followers to be a thermostat, right? You can change the temperature of every single area that you're in in your life, if you want, if you stay connected to that power source, right? And you take responsibility. This is my job. I'm going to do it. Some of the best thermostats. I mean, think about your life, Landon. People that have really moved the needle for you. People like John Pitstick, who was your discipleship leader in high school. And then the leader of Aggie Men's Club. Right. Dr. Welch. Dr. Welch. He was a thermostat for you. So you think about those guys. And those aren't loud, dynamic leaders. They were just quiet, humble men of God that really moved the needle for you spiritually. Right. They're consistent. They're responsible. They're reliable. Yeah. Amazing.

Hey, let me ask you this. What do you think it looks like when a guy walks into a room as a thermostat instead of a thermometer? Like, can you come up with any examples, maybe in, like, a leadership or a management perspective or even family or whatever? Well, I think that, I think, first of all, you know, I'm not naming dropping here. I'm just, I've learned a lot from Andy Stanley. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And one of the things, I had this opportunity to be around a smaller table with him one time. And I asked him, what is, what's one thing, what's one leadership thing that would just, you could just teach us all right now? And he said this, and I've never forgotten it. He said, uh, I have learned that if I go into a room, uh, what do I do if I'm the most powerful person in the room? Oh, man, I love this. What do I do if I'm the most powerful person in the room? Yeah. Here's what I do. I leverage my power for the benefit of others. So when you walk into a room, if you realize that you have the title or the position, you should be thinking about how you can leverage your power to benefit the people in the room. I think that's what a thermostat does. It makes everybody around them better and more comfortable. Didn't he share that for the first time

at like the national prayer breakfast or something? Yeah, I don't know. The president prayer breakfast? I thought he did. I thought I remember that story. He shared it around our table. And, and he, other thing he taught me, and this has a lot to do with this is do for one, what you wish you could do for everyone. Do for one, what you wish you could do for everyone. Do for one. Okay. Yeah. All right. So you can't do it for everybody, but you can, you can be a thermostat and you can change the life of one person. And that's just, that's kind of what I thought of. I don't know. What did you think of? Well, I was thinking about like, like a thermostat versus thermometer. Like think of practically like, like a thermometer is, hey, my boss. doesn't communicate well, leadership never gives clear direction or clarity. Thermostat says, what, uh, did I ask clarifying questions? Yeah. Did, did I make sure my team knows what I know that it makes sure my team knows what I know? Maybe it's like, you know, it's everybody's constrained right now, like with, with the economy and all that stuff. So you could say economy stuff, budget site, no one's buying right now. A thermostat says, how do I like shift our approach to add value into, into people's lives or do different, you know, you know, markets like maybe in a team, it's like a thermometer is like my, my team drops the ball, people don't follow through.

A thermostat says like, have I delegated clearly? Am I modeling follow through myself or am I subconsciously expecting other people to read my mind? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, like in, in your family, it's, it's my kids don't listen, right? That's a, that's a, that's a thermometer and a thermostat is. Have I given them enough time and, and won them over by just being their dad. Yeah. Um, they want to listen, they want to listen. They want to please me and they want to do what's right. All right. Um, so dad, we've got, we just have a couple more minutes and, uh, I think what would be really helpful to just like get practical here. Um, we talked about responsibility. We talked about how successful people take responsibility for their life. Told lots of stories. Owning our 1%, you know, blame is the basket that carries your issues in the future. Let me ask you this question. What is one step that anybody can take today to get out of the blame loop and start taking responsibility? Well, I think first of all, there's several, right? First of all, you got to get in community, right? Yeah. We have to find somebody that we can be accountable to that is able to help us with blind spots and help us see where we need to own, just like Jean did for you and like Bob did for me, that's one big step that they got to get in some kind of community, people, and we're going to talk about mentorship and wisdom and a couple more episodes, I believe.

So we'll probably unpack more of that. Yeah. What else? What do you think? Well, I mean, I, I really feel like it comes down to owning that 1%. Um, I mean, that for me is, is just like the most practical thing that I can do in every situation is no matter what, when something goes wrong, what can I do? Yeah. You know, that's the extreme ownership reality of, of how can I step in and provide, um, uh, a climate of stability when there is instability. Yeah. Um, like, uh, shout out to Mike Elko, head coach of the Texas A&M Aggies. Uh, but, but, you know, they, they, uh, they were playing a game and, and, and they came back big, it was against South Carolina. Right. And they, they stormed back and, uh, from a game that just seemed insurmountable and everybody was like, what'd he do at halftime? Right. Cause it just like flipped the switch. And, and I loved in his press conference, he was like, listen, everybody thinks I came in there and said magic words. He said, we won this game six months ago with our preparation. And then I love this part. I thought it was so brilliant. He goes, he goes, look, my job as a leader is when there's a motion is to be stable. Right. I'm always going to be the opposite of what's going on. That's being a thermostat. Yeah. Right.

When there's a motion, I'm going to be stable. When there's a lack of intensity, I'm going to be intense. Right. And so I think like, when I think about one step to get out of the blame loop, start taking responsibility, like guys, your past is your past. Yeah. And God never asks us by the way, to forget our past. Yeah. Like, like everybody's your testimony is your testimony, but you do play a role in God's shaping that testimony. And part of that is through owning your 1%. And I will say this, you will never, ever regret owning your 1%. You'll never regret it. It'll change your life. I think about my, my story about my review after my 10th year, I became a better leader. I became a more encouraging leader. I became a more nurturing leader. And I think my staff would tell you, I'm, I'm a pretty encouraging person. And it all points back to that one moment. And I, I thought it was an unfair review, but there was 1 to 5% of me at the very least that said, I got to change this. I got to turn this around. You'll never regret doing it. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And we hope this was helpful. We'll see you next time. Hey, thanks for joining us on the gaining ground podcast. If you enjoyed today's content, it would help us a ton.

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