How To Handle Criticism (Without Letting It Break You) with Ps. Rick Atchley

Talk to me about welcoming feedback from investors and how not all critics are created equal. You're the quarterback and you're out there and you're playing the game and it's a tough game. There's always the guy up in the stands who thinks he knows how to play it better than you screaming this or screaming that. You don't listen to that guy. But if that tackle comes up to you covered in mud and blood, laying it on the line to keep you standing and he says that play's not working, you listen to him because he's in the game with you and he's wanting to go the same place you're wanting to go. In fact, he's wanting to see you succeed. Listen to that guy and learn and become better. Welcome back to the Gaining Ground podcast. It's good to hear from all of you again. My name is Landon and I'm here with my dad, Drew. Dad, how are you doing today? I'm doing great. How about you? I'm doing fantastic. And for the first time ever on the Gaining Ground podcast, we actually have a guest. We have a guest. So, dad, can you tell our listeners about our guest and then welcome to the episode. I'm going to say this is an epic day. This is epic. We have my friend and yours, Rick Atchley here today. Rick, say hi to everybody.

Hello, everybody. Rick and I have known each other for, I think about 20 years. Does that sound about right? And Rick is the senior teaching minister at the amazing Hills Church since 1989. I almost said 1889. 1989, 36 years. 1989. Before Landon was born. Before Landon was born. Before Landon was born. Way before I was born. Like four years before you were born, Rick assumed the throne there as a leader. And guys, that's an amazing church. Y'all have a campus in Dallas now and in Keller, Northwestern Hills and Fort Worth. Rick's a great leader, a great preacher, a great golfer, way better than me, unbelievable golfer and a great friend. So welcome, Rick. We're so glad you're here. Thank you. And let me just say, I'm thrilled to be with you. I love Compass family. I love Drew Sherman. You've got a great pastor. He is the same behind the scenes and off the pulpit as I play with him on the golf courses. I've been with him around the world,

visiting countries and missionaries. We've been to Africa together. We have. And he's good as gold wherever he is. And he is proud of his son, Landon. I got so worn out with stories of Landon as a football player in high school. You got tired of hearing them. I didn't. You're proud of all your kids and you're even more proud of your grandkids. Yes. Well, that's, okay, Rick, I got a question for you and I'm gonna put you on the spot here. Okay. So there's been a couple of golf references so far. You're a golfer, so don't lie. What's your best round lately? My best round lately, last fall, I shot a 74. And for me, that is really, really good. But usually if I break 80, I'm pretty happy. What's your handicap? About a nine to a 12, depending on who I'm playing with. 74. I love the range. 74 is really good. I've never scored, I've scored 74, but I'm usually on about the 14th hole. Hey, can I tell a quick golf story? I hope the guys will appreciate.

So I had the thrill of a lifetime last summer. I got to go to the British Open. We Americans call it the British Open. The English call it the Open. They'll call it the Open. I was there for two days. It was spectacular. And Scottie Scheffler won. And of course I'm a big Scottie Scheffler fan. Who isn't? He's just an unbeliever. I got a gift for Christmas from a guy who knows Scottie Scheffler. It was a flag from the British Open, signed, Rick, thanks for your support, Scottie Scheffler. That is awesome. I just flipped out. Now, 98 out of a hundred people say, huh? But two out of a hundred people say, you got a flag from freaking Scottie Scheffler. No, that's awesome. That was one of the greatest Christmas gifts I have ever been given. Dude, Scottie is, he's an awesome, awesome dude. And hilariously enough, like the weekend that he got arrested for whatever it was that he was doing. Which was just ridiculous. Was the same weekend that my daughter was born and we had planned that her name would be Scottie.

Scottie. And so everybody thought that we named her after Scottie Scheffler. Uh-huh. Like almost like in support of him, which was just hilarious. Okay, so Rick, you're a pastor. You've been that for a long time. You obviously have many roles in your life. But one more thing to just help us get to know you. Okay. Are you, do you like, if you had to do, are you a concert guy? Do you like concerts? I do like them. I have not been to a lot. Okay, okay. Hypothetical. And this is a great get to know you, I think. And dad, you can answer this too. Yeah, I'm excited to answer this. Dream concert. They can be dead or alive. Dream concert. Who's your opener? And who's your headliner? Okay. You sound like you're ready to go. Yeah, I'm ready to go. Okay, okay.

You answer. Okay. My opener is Forrest Frank. Opener is Forrest Frank? Yeah. Yeah, I like it. You're injecting some new blood. Yeah, my grandkids like him. Oh, so I've taken an interest in that. If you're hearing this, if you could put your tickets on sale. That's right. That's right. But, but I want to go see Garth Brooks. Oh man. I've seen him three times. I want to, I've never seen him. I want to see Garth Brooks. Oh, he's incredible. Yeah. Incredible. Like that's like, like a dude who's got more energy than, uh, than, uh, it's unreal. Okay. George Strait would have been my second choice. Okay. I like it. Okay. Rick, what about you? Okay. And I may lose cred with the guys. Uh, my opener would be in, uh, he's passed now, but a country singer

named Don Williams, uh, had about 30 number one hits. And when I was in college and a young man, I love country music. And back then country music was country music today. Country music. It's what I called rock music when I was in college, but he was true country music and he would sing a number one hit song and then he would go, thank you. Start another one. And I loved it. I went to about three or four of his concerts. Okay. I think. Cause I've never have seen them once. I think I'd like to say I went to one U2 concert. U2? Yeah. Yeah. U2 would just be amazing. Would be a hundred percent. It's just such performers. Okay. Well, that, well, that really helps us. Thank you so much. So Rick's here. My dad's here. I'm here. We're excited to continue talking, uh, you know, gaining ground, right? It's all about, uh, helping, helping men grow. Um, and today I think we're going to have a very interesting conversation around something that I think every single person that's listening to us right now, um, has dealt with before.

Maybe you're dealing with it right now. Uh, and if you're like me, I'm not sure really what to do about it. And that concept is criticism. All right. So what do we do when we're criticized? Whether it be, uh, in the workplace, uh, maybe even in our family by those that we love us most. And so we're going to have a conversation around how to deal with criticism in a healthy way. And, you know, as I, as I think about criticism, it really is. It's one of those things that can either refine you, uh, or define you, right? It can refine you. We're all about growing. It can help make you better, or it can define you. Meaning it can absolutely deflate your day, uh, ruin your confidence. We're going to talk a little bit about identity, right? And the truth is if you've got a pulse, you've got critics. Okay. And it comes with, it comes with, uh, with influence. And I heard somebody say one time to avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing and, and be nothing. Okay. And so Rick, um, you've got a great talk and some incredible wisdom on criticism. And we're going to work through some of, some of what we've actually heard from you. We had a chance to hear you speak at a, at a pastor's gathering one time, and I think it'll be so translatable for, for everybody that's listened. So let me ask you this. You, you've been criticized before. Um, you know, you've been leading for a long time. So 47 years of ministry, 47, 47 years.

Let me ask you this. Why do you think criticism is so prevalent? You know, when you think back on your, your time as a leader and as being somebody who wants to do something that counts, why is it so prevalent? And maybe what do we do about it? How do you respond to it? Okay. Well, those are two pretty huge questions. I would say this, and I'd love for Drew to chime in. Uh, as you said, if you're going to try to do anything significant, and if you're going to be in front of people, criticism goes with the territory. Now I know it mainly in my role as a pastor, but if you're leading the business, if you're coaching a team, if you're leading a family, if you step into the role where you're asking people, come follow me, and we're going to go somewhere important. There's always going to be someone saying, well, if I was the leader, I could do it better, or I would do it different. Particularly, uh, in, in a church context or in a coaching context or in a nonprofit context, I lead an army of volunteers. I can't say to anybody, get down and give me 20. That's right. Uh, anyone who follows me does so only because they choose to, not because I have any leverage to make them, which I think increases in their minds, the thought I can criticize what, how you're leading because I don't have to be following. That's right. So I think that is part of the reason I would say to, uh, Landon that, um, Drew and I can probably remember a time when it did not feel like criticism was so prevalent. We live now in an age of outrage.

And it's immediate outrage. Yes. And I think part of it is our cell phones, because we are now aware of injustice around the world at a scale that we did not imagine before. And frankly, at a scale beyond what I think our, our, our souls can handle. And now we have these, uh, platforms which exist to make money and they make money by keeping us exposed to conflict and controversy. And they give us a forum to say the whole world needs to know what I think. about this, and venting about something makes us feel like we actually did something. So I think we are seeing now in every arena, in the marketplace, in the home, in the church, in the world of sports, I think we have more of a climate now where people just feel like, if I don't like something, I need to have the avenue to say so. And so it's as prevalent as it has ever been. Would you agree, Drew? Yeah, I mean, it's an ouchy world that we live in, and social media has had a huge impact on this, because people can react quickly, and they can do it behind the keyboard, right? And so everybody's a lot braver behind the keyboard, but there's a ton of criticism out there. And I'll tell you, the reason it's worth talking about is criticism, as a leader, can make or break you. Criticism, if you allow the arrows of criticism to pierce your heart, you will bleed bitterness on everyone around you. That's right. Well, and we all know people like that,

and man, it's tragic. As somebody who's got about a third the experience of you guys, it's kind of weird, because this is, you talk about, you remember an era where criticism wasn't as prevalent. That's all I know, right? Honestly, it's all I know. And this age of outrage and immediacy, and so I'm excited for this conversation, because I think everybody, whether you're in sales, a coach, in the home, wherever you're listening from, you can relate to criticism, because you've experienced it before. I also think, though, there's a difference between helpful feedback and then unfair criticism. And so I wanna talk about the unfair criticism part first. Okay. Right, so we've talked about social media world, and there's gonna be people in the comments. Rick, there's a couple things that in your talk I remember, like you're never, you're gonna get criticized, right? If you're walking around on the earth and breathing, but there's one thing that you'll always have a response for, and it's about your character, right? That you wanna guard your character. And so talk to me a little bit about that. What would you have to say in the context of criticism in your character? I do think sometimes if you're in a leading row that you can sometimes start to lead out of your gifting

and not out of your character. And that can almost always lead to poor choices and mistakes, and frankly, open you up for fair criticism. What I want to do as a leader is live in a posture of humility that I can receive questions about my judgment. I don't pretend I've always made the best decisions or that everything I've wanted to do was the best possible way to do something. I want to live a life where I'm okay with you questioning my judgment, but when you question my character, you've crossed a line. But I have to live with the kind of integrity that makes that true. I've lived now in ministry long enough and I've learned to respond to, especially emails with that response, where I'll say, thank you for that comment. You're questioning my judgment. This is why I made that decision. But then you crossed a line and you said, I made that decision because I'm a bad person. And that's wrong. It's not fair. And that's not fair. And I push back on that. And so I think what I want to ask myself, and I would ask if you're a dad, if you're a boss, if you're a pastor, if you're a coach, I think you need to ask yourself regularly, am I doing anything in my life right now

that I would not want the people I'm asking to follow me to know about? Something that if they knew that about me, it would completely destroy my credibility and my trust. That's what I mean by guarding your character. I can't always say I have the best judgment, but I do want to say I'm living above approach. Dad, what do you think about that? I think that in my journey, like I'm still a work in progress on this. Like I don't have this nailed, but I do think the 59 year old Drew is much better at dealing with criticism than the 29 year old Drew. Absolutely. Because I've learned not to sweat it as much. I used to personalize every email, every criticism that came my way. And then I realized that so many of those critics, they had a hurt, they had a pain behind it. There was something behind there that when I peeled back the layers, I figured it out. When people, now when people are mean, I just kind of, sometimes I laugh it off, because it's like, what are you supposed to do? I've learned to say, I'm so sorry, but this is the direction we're heading, that kind of thing. I think, I think I've learned a lot. Uh, I think, I think too, now I ask myself more often.

Now, like, what do I mean? Maybe there is something I own here and what can I learn from it? Where I think the 29 year old with drew was like, ah, they're idiots. And they're, you know, they don't, they're not mature, you know, and that kind of thing. Right. And we talked about that, you know, a couple episodes ago. And so many of you told us how helpful that was. It's that, can you own your 1% of whatever's going on in this situation? And Rick, I heard, I heard, I heard that in both of you and your responses to what you were saying is, yeah, it's fair for you to question my judgment. Perhaps we didn't pick the best route to do that. But when it comes to matters of character, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna let you do that. Right. So dad, you said something I want to talk about for just a minute. And I, cause I think it's, it's super relevant. Sometimes the issue when it comes to criticism is not really the issue. Right. Right. People have something going on behind every harsh criticism is sometimes a deeper hurt. And I think that's true for, let's, let's talk about, uh, maybe the workplace and then perhaps the home too. Okay. So like in the workplace, you may get an email or you're sitting in a conversation with, uh, somebody, uh, on your team and you're trying to help accomplish something and they're just a jerk. Yeah. Okay.

What I've learned the hard way is, and, and this is not going to be, you know, every one of you have probably heard this before, but hurt people, hurt people. Yeah. Okay. And, and I think, um, the Bible says in Matthew chapter 15, Jesus talks about but what comes out of a, of a, of a person's mouth comes from the heart. And so the truth is there are people who have the overflow of the mouth who have a ton going on in their life. So let me ask you this. That's not to excuse people who are jerks, right? But if we love Jesus and if we want to grow, perhaps that's another lens we can put on when we get criticism that maybe the issue is not the issue that they've got something going on in their life. Let me ask you this. What do you guys think is the proper response for a man who wants to grow that can kind of put on, let's, if you're going to pretend like they're like goggles you put on and you're starting to see what's really going on in people's life, how do you handle that when you're being criticized, when you're being criticized and you're able to see that maybe in this moment, the issue is not the issue something's going on in their life, they've got a relationship that's hard, uh, they're going through a divorce. Their kid is, is, is there's a sickness. You know what I'm saying? Does that make sense? Yeah. Well, how would you, how would you respond to that? Um, well, I think we have to acknowledge that 10% of the criticism I get in ministry or outside of ministry is just by people who are mean and, and I've just learned not to get into a mud throwing fight. You just get dirty and nothing gets resolved.

And in fact, some people, they criticize as a way your response to their criticism gives them validation. That's really what they want. And as I've learned not to go there, but I think you're right, Landon. I would say the great majority of people that criticize me, they're not looking to be mean. It's either number one, they misunderstand. And part of our role as leaders is to give people a better understanding. They may not agree, but I think as a leader, I have an agenda. I don't apologize for having an agenda. I apologize if I didn't make my agenda clear. Okay. Can you talk more about that? Well, just for example, maybe you're changing the rules at your home about how to use a phone, or maybe in your business, you're changing the policy on how much time you have to spend at office or at home. Or maybe in your church, you've always been a Bible school church and now you're going to become a small group church. I think you owe it to people to keep going back to the why. That you don't just give the rule and say, because I say so. And you're inviting criticism then. I think as a leader, part of our responsibility is to go back and constantly give people the why and give them clarity, because if we don't give them clarity, then they're just going to imagine for themselves what your reasons are, and typically they're going to accrue to you poor motivation. So that's part of it. Some people just, they don't know. They need more understanding. They need enlightenment. They need an insight.

But then there are some people, and you catch it well, Lyndon, a lot of people that criticize you, the issue is often not the issue, right? And I'm actually this Sunday going to share with my church this story. In my many years of ministry, without question, the harshest email I ever got was from a woman who completely misunderstood my sermon, who attacked my character. who was rude and obnoxious and young Rick would have just theologically decapitated her. I would have challenged her at every level. I would have given her argument after argument. I would have, and more mature Rick, asked the question, where's that coming from? Yeah. And it was coming from 18 years of sexual abuse. That's my numbers for her family. And so here she is now, she's in her late 20s, and here I am, a male in an authority position. She's gonna have trouble ever hearing me with an objective. Her defenses are up. Her defenses are up. Everything is through that filter because I know that's where it's coming from. You ask her, how do you do? This is what I did, right or wrong, this is what I did. First, I thanked her for the courage to reach out to me. Second, I told her I was genuinely sorry that anything I said could have hurt her. I did not say, I'm sorry for what I said. I said, I'm really sorry that what I said. And there's a big difference in that.

Yes. Just because you get criticism doesn't mean you have to cave. And then the last thing I did was say, I love you and I'm going to pray for you. And now, I don't know that it changed her world, but what I do know is I feel like I responded with integrity and instead of returning anger for anger, I returned blessing for anger. I think that's exactly what Jesus tells us to do. I guarantee you, when she read that email, I guarantee you her defenses began to lower as she heard the encouragement and the gentleness of his response. Look, this is an issue that all of us have to face. Everyone has to face criticism. Jesus told us in John 15, look, if the world hates you, keep in mind it hated me first. I mean, you have to expect criticism. It's going to happen. But what I have learned, Landon, and what makes me so hopeful, that if we can learn how to not let criticism crush us, if we can learn how to deal with criticism, so often the footprints of progress are marked by the scars of criticism. We learn a ton by it. And that's what I'm hopeful for for our guys. Let me add something else. Yeah, let me add.

Like Drew, as a younger preacher, I often felt like I needed to vigorously defend myself to establish my credibility. Now I realize my character is what gives me credibility, not my ability to argue. And so older Rick, I remember specifically about 25 years ago, because I grew up with a dad that had a temper and he was a spewer. If he got angry, he just let it out. And then he would say, I feel better now. Of course, the verbal vomit's all over me. And you didn't feel better. And I didn't feel better. But now my response then, I too had an anger problem. My response was to be a steward, not a spewer. I would just take it in, internalize the anger and hold onto it for days and days. And it was hurting my ministry, because you can't lead a family, you can't lead a business, you can't lead a church and not have people out there that bring back memories of times they hurt you. And I know this sounds crazy. I was already been a preacher for 20 years. I decided maybe the Sermon on the Mount wasn't something just to memorize, maybe it was to be put into practice. Maybe we were supposed to actually do it. And I focused in on one thing especially,

and I made a decision. I am gonna bless instead of curse. That's how I'm gonna respond. I have seen over and over, like Drew said, it turns down the heat and people are, their defenses are lowered. But I've also learned this, even if it doesn't change them, it changes me. It allows me to go home not carrying something that's just gonna poison me when I get around my kids or my grandkids. This happened two weeks ago. I'm on one of our crowded highways here in DFW. It's around rush hour. So everyone's in bumper to bumper. It's a 183. I think the speed limit is 70, but no one can drive 70. I'm driving maybe 65. That wasn't good enough for the guy in the big pickup behind me. He's honking and he's honking. And finally, he recklessly changes lanes, continues to honk, and he rolls down his window and sticks out his arm and lets me know that I'm number one. Okay? He extended the finger of fellowship. Yes. The universal sign for you're number one. Young Rick would have stood. for five miles, and in my mind, I'd have thought

all the ways to pray imprecatory prayers against him, okay? Which, by the way, for imprecatory prayers, for the normal, for everybody listening, if you're in the Psalms, there's imprecatory Psalms from David, where, let's just say, he asked God to intervene on behalf of his enemies. Yeah. Open up a can. Young Rick would have prayed smite him. Oh, mighty smiter. But here I am, he does that, and older, more mature Rick, I hope, just took it to the Lord, and in my spirit, I heard the Holy Spirit say, pray for his family. I thought, what? And then it dawned on me, if this is how he reacts to bad traffic, To you, a guy he doesn't even know. To a guy he doesn't even know, what is his spirit gonna be like when he goes home? And I just began to pray for his family, that he would calm down before he got home, and that he wouldn't have an atmosphere at home where his kids were scared for daddy to drive up. And let me tell you, the resentment and the anger completely disappeared, and I didn't drive the next five miles angry at anybody. So, guess what I'm saying is,

what Jesus said works. We should try it. Guys, we should try it. That's a novel idea to actually listen to Jesus. Okay. I hope he didn't have a compass bumper sticker on his truck. No, but I'm sure he was a Philadelphia Eagle fan. I'm sure of it. You know, I think something that I think you guys have said, and I wanna agree with, is how you respond to criticism actually reveals your health. Yes, it may come from a deeper place, from the person spewing the hate or the criticism, but the reality is, is we always have to own our part. We've talked about that. And how you respond to criticism reveals your health. Look, again, I've got less experience than you guys, and it's funny when you were talking about how younger Rick or younger Drew would have responded. Well, I'm kind of in that right now. And, you know, as a- But you're smarter and more mature than I was, for sure. As a youth pastor or whatever, you got mad parents, and man, leading out in prison ministry stuff. I mean, gosh, we get a ton of criticism from folks who, hey, those guys don't deserve it.

They, you know, they made their choice. I mean, there's always gonna be haters, but man, you know one thing like I've learned, and this is, even if you can't directly relate to this, we'll get to a place where I just, I wanna highlight something. As a pastor, every time there's a major global event, I don't know if this was like this before 2020, but I feel like COVID made that a thing, where all of a sudden we gotta respond, and we gotta take a stand. And now everyone in your church is expecting you to take a stand. And if you don't, you're a coward. And where I had my first real, I guess, test case or opportunity was a couple of months ago when Charlie Kirk was assassinated. Yeah, Landon was preaching that weekend. And I was preaching that weekend. And so I text him, I think it's on Wednesday, and says, hey man, like we gotta talk about this. Not because we're PR people, that's not our job. Our job is to be shepherds. And you have to shepherd people through, yes, the stuff that happens in their individual life, but also these global moments. And I said something in the piece of the sermon that addressed it, where I said, some of you are gonna think I said too much,

and some of you are gonna think I didn't say enough. And that was true. And there were a lot of people that were very appreciative and in support. And then there were other folks who didn't, and were upset, and made decisions, and decided to go elsewhere. Here's what I learned from that. I was sitting on my couch reading Instagram comments, and as much as I would like to say, it doesn't bother me. It bothered you? It bothered me. And there's been many examples like that through the years. This is just the most recent one, right? And instead of, I found myself getting mad at them, and going, well, you don't understand, and you don't understand what I was trying to say, or you're wrong, right? There's also that. But what I learned is, no, no, no, Landon, what does this say about you? Like what check engine light is this highlighting in your spirit right now? And what I realized is that I was allowing them to speak into my identity. And here's what I believe. There's no one on this planet that can rob me of my true identity in Christ. No one, okay?

No one. and especially people who are haters, especially. But it is an absolute conscious decision, conscious decision to allow God to work on your heart and pray that prayer that David prays in Psalm 139. Search me, oh God, and know my heart. See if there've been any grievous ways in me, right? Because what we want to do is, when we see the haters and we immediately want to stiff arm them, they're stupid, they don't know them. You become just like them. In those moments, it's going before the Lord and going, all right, God, what do I need to examine in myself? And he's gonna tell you, he will answer that prayer. And then you'll be able to have the criticism, but not let it crush you. Rick, do you ever remember a time? I mean, I guess since COVID up to this point, five or six year span where it's been like this, where the expectations, as soon as something happens in the world, we're expected to say the exact right words and the perfect words. No, no, it was not like this. Younger ministers, like Landon, like I said, this is all they've known. This was not the world, the first 25 years that I preached. I wasn't expected to weigh in on every political or social crisis that the world was facing.

And now, Landon, what you found, every pastor in America would say, they experienced, and that is, no matter what I said, it was too much and it was not enough. And I think, again, what I've learned is that that reaction of people wants me to, because here's the thing about us in ministry, especially, but I think it would be true of coaches. I think it would be true of a lot of people leading 501s. We do these things because we like people, but the shadow side is we like to be liked by people. And finding out people didn't like me, used to crush me, but it was a light on the dashboard. It was search my heart. It was Lord saying, are you finding your blessing from people or from me? In fact, I tell young men today, the single greatest lesson I've learned about life, whether you're a pastor or a businessman or a father, you can decide you're gonna live out of your blessing or you can decide you're gonna live for a blessing. If you live out of your blessing of who God has said you are, you can love people no matter how they treat you because you're not loving them to get something from them. But if you live for a blessing, you are constantly trying to keep people happy, their praise will inflate your ego and their criticism will crush yourself.

Well, if, yeah, I mean, that's a thousand percent right. And you know, if you crave the approval of others, you'll be crushed under their criticism. Crushed under their criticism. Dad, what were you thinking? I just think that the answer to almost all of this is the power of words when you're responding to criticism. And I don't mean to jump ahead. No, no, no. And I actually, after this, I wanna talk about feedback that is helpful. Yeah. Because the power of those words can change your life too. I just think just for the average guy watching or listening to this podcast, whether you're in your car right now and you're headed to work and, or maybe you're a business owner and you've got people that you're leading, you're providing leadership for them, man, you're gonna be under criticism at some point. The power of words are everything. And I'm always gonna start in the scripture, Rick, but Proverbs 15, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. So true. Absolutely. It's unbelievable. I can't tell you the number of times

I've responded to criticism early on in a harsh way and I always regretted it. Always regretted it. Well, you know, there's something about words that reveals the condition of our heart. And Proverbs says that words, you know, they bring the power of life and death. Okay, so we've established that criticism is inevitable, being crushed by it's optional. Yes. We're gonna get it. We can anticipate it. I think that's the best way to do it is not to be blindsided by it. Like we've all seen, you know, the quarterback or whatever, the most important position in football, if you've got a right-handed quarterback as a left tackle, because it's guarding his blind side. So we don't ever wanna be blindsided by criticism because we can expect it. There is, however, and I think the danger is if we just say, well, man, haters are gonna hate and every word I get is, I'm just gonna go ahead and throw it away. You could even disguise it in like Christianese language. I'm not gonna let it affect my identity. You know, my identity is in Christ.

The reality is though, people can't speak the truth in love and they can be right about something that, A, B, you need to shift or you need to grow in. So Rick, I've heard you frame it in, and I love this terminology, like welcoming feedback from investors. And I want to talk about that and then talk about like when we get criticism in the home, because obviously those are, at least at one time, people that care about us and love us. So talk to me about welcoming feedback from investors and how not all critics are created equal. Well, that's a good way to put it, is that there are some people out there, as I said, they just have a negative spirit. They get validation from criticizing and letting you respond to them. I don't want to spend time there. But the reality is that sometimes our critics are right. And you see this in scripture. You see Jethro saying to Moses, the way you're leading these people is not healthy for you. And he gives them this plan about delegating leadership. You see, in a more, I think, confrontive way, Paul says to Peter, hey, when you don't eat with Gentiles, when Jews are around, you're communicating they are less than. Both those times, God used another person's critical voice, but it came from a spirit of love

for the person they were speaking to. And you guys out there that like football, you can appreciate this matter. For the way I describe it is you're the quarterback and you're out there and you're playing the game. And it's a tough game. There's always the guy up in the stands who thinks he knows how to play it better than you, who's screaming this or screaming that. You don't listen to that guy. But if that tackle comes up to you covered in mud and blood, laying it on the line to keep you standing, and he says that play's not working, you listen to him. Because he's in the game with you. And he's wanting to go the same place you're wanting to go. In fact, he's wanting to see you succeed. Listen to that guy and learn and become better. And so I do think, Dad, have you created a climate in your home where your wife or your kids can have an honest conversation with you saying, I'm the dad, be quiet? That's right. Have you created a climate in your business, not that you don't lead, that you don't have the final say, but where your employees who want success as much as you can come to you and say, have we thought about this? Or are they afraid to approach you? Have you created a climate in your church? So many of the scandals that we have seen that have rocked churches

were because there were cultures there where it was out of bounds to question the leadership or they're so insulated, nothing actually real could ever get to them. I think that's so good, Rick, because how you respond to criticism is often a leading indicator of your personal health and your emotional health and your spiritual maturity. You can't always control what other people say, but you can control how you live and how you respond. One of the things that, because I was a people pleaser, that hurt my marriage in the early days was that I often received the feedback from my wife as a diminishing of my gifting. I needed her to tell me every single Sunday, that was the greatest sermon I've ever heard. And you're the greatest leader I've ever seen. And it was because of my own insecurity. When in fact, I have learned that no one loves me more than my wife, Jamie. And when she has a word for me that says, maybe you should rethink or maybe, I need to listen to that word. God speaks to me through my wife. Guys, I really wanna encourage you to be intentional about the kind of marriage where your wife and where your children can confront you in love and not worry about how you're gonna respond to them. So, I mean, welcoming feedback from investors,

okay, to use that terminology. Your family are investors. Yeah. You've certainly invested in them. And I've been married 10 years and my wife, Mackenzie, she's a powerful leader in her own right. And one of our biggest hurdles, learning opportunities in our marriage, and this is true for each one of us, is man, criticism from her hurts worse than anybody else. So much worse. Hurts worse than anybody else. Because she cares. And I bet there are guys listening that can relate to that. The opposite of that is also true. That a kind word from her, an encouraging word from her, oh man, I mean, it can change not my day, but my entire month. Yeah, and let's turn this around. What does it mean then when our wives or our kids get critical words from us? Even though we may think we're speaking in love, is that what they're hearing? Or are they hearing we're disappointed and you're letting me down? So I think as leaders in the home, through Your Soul Right, we've got to be especially. intentional about the words we use in our family. So one of my favorite verses, Proverbs 25,

like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken at the right time. I preached on that a few months ago, and I get up like 6.30 a.m., and the first thing I do when I get up every morning is I make coffee. I'm just a better person if I have coffee. You don't do coffee, do you, Rick? No, I'm a diet cocai. Rick's a diet cocai. Now, wait a minute, time out. You don't drink coffee? He doesn't drink coffee. I do not drink coffee. Was that a conscious decision years ago? It doesn't like the taste of it, do you? Yeah, I just don't like bitter taste. Yeah. And by the way, most of you don't drink coffee either. You go to Starbucks and you buy liquid pie, $7 a cup. Time out, time out. I drink black coffee. I'm the one of those weird, I respect that. I get up, and look, I've got an object lesson. Oh, I've been wondering when you were gonna be able to do this. So I get up, I get up here, can you guys see this? And I'm drinking my coffee, and I look up apples of gold and settings of silver. And I said, what is this? She goes, I just wanted to remind you

of what you preached yesterday. So I thought every morning when you got up, when you made your coffee, you'd look up at that and go, okay, the power of my words are gonna weigh heavy on many people today. So like apples of gold and settings of silver. There it is, guys. That's how important that is. You married a wise woman. I did. Yeah, my mom's smart. Okay, hey, I wanna try to get real practical here because I have a feeling that is probably the most relevant thing we've talked about so far is how to create that culture in your home. Okay, so whether it be words from our family or the people we care about the most to us or our words to them, what are some ways that you guys have learned over the years, and I've got an answer for this too, how to walk this line really well of how to be honest with one another? Because I would imagine there's probably some people listening right now that are part of families where it's like, they don't talk about hard things. And it's, how was your day? Good. How was your day? Good. All the while they can be suffering internally

and nobody's talking about it. And then there are those families who, I mean, it is a war zone all the time. So how can you be honest, but also do everything we've talked about so far, which is be encouraging, like speak what is true. Like we're embodying like the fruits of the spirit as we navigate our home together. What do you guys think that looks like? Well, Drew will have something wise to add in just a second, but the first thing I would say, Lennon, is have you established a culture of encouragement and affirmation in your home or a culture of criticism? And so in other words, if my children know that 98% of the time the words out of my mouth are gonna be affirming and loving and encouraging and seem good in them and believing the best about them and celebrating their wins, then when I do say something that might be corrective, they can listen and I think hear it so much better because they know the climate of the home is this is a safe place. Dad's words are gonna build me up. So I do think that if you're that dad that doesn't have too much time, if you're that dad that answers most questions with two words, fine, good, okay. If you're that dad who is known to blow up if you say the wrong thing, then you have not created a culture

where criticism can be received or given. And your criticism is gonna come across not as constructive, but as disappointment. That's an amazing answer. And I was gonna answer something very similar to it. Words of affirmation, encouragement. I was gonna talk about having an attitude of gratitude I think is huge when there's criticism. I think it's a key to not letting it crush you. Well, that phrase, creating a climate is something that I think is probably the, it's sticking out to me the most cause I'm just a visual learner. And we talked a couple episodes ago, the difference between a thermometer and a thermostat. A thermostat sets the temperature of the room. A thermometer reads the room wherever it is. So you can take a thermometer out and put it in one room and it's gonna tell you it's 78 degrees. You're gonna take a thermometer out and put another, it's gonna tell you it's 82 degrees. A thermostat has the ability that when it's hot, can make it cold. When it's cold, can make it hot. Every man listening to this has the opportunity to set, to be the thermostat in their home. To set that culture of encouragement. And I wanna encourage you, if you feel like your home is a war zone, and as you're listening,

Listen to us talk, you're going, gosh, guys, I would love to get there, but my house for so long has been a place where the first thing that comes out of our mouth is criticism or a complaint or what's not right. You get to be the leader and one moment at a time, change that thermostat to one that is encouraging, that builds people up. That's not an, uh, we're not going to avoid conflict, but, but has created a culture where your wife and your kids or whoever you're around, and you really care about their opinion, knows that you care about them. And when there's moments of correction, it's done in love. And then you have to be ready for that to be done to you as well. I cannot, uh, emphasize enough how important it is as a dad. Your kids are watching how you handle criticism. And I think that is true as a leader too. Church is watching us, how we handle criticism and that's so important. You know, one of my, one of my mentors used to say, uh, when emotions are high, wisdom is low. Yeah. When emotions are high, wisdom is low. And so Mackenzie and I, honestly, in our house, a lot of times, if we ever have a big disagreement, if we just give it a little bit of time, uh, it, it usually gets better, it usually gets better. Just giving us some time. All right. So look, I think this has been a helpful conversation and, uh, man, I really think it's, it's going to be, uh, super, super, um, impactful and helpful for everyone that's, that's listening. As we finish up, I think, I think it'd be, it'd be smart to talk about this. Um, you know, I think a lot of criticism and the key to it, and I don't say this in a pompous way, is to rise above it, is to rise above it. You know, and I think about two like biblical examples.

Um, one like in, um, in, in Isaiah, you know, there's that, I think it's Isaiah it talks about like soaring on wings, like eagles. And I heard somebody talk the other day and my kids always watch these like national geographic, like animal shows or whatever. And what I learned about eagles is eagles soar at a higher altitude than any other bird. And they don't feel the need to stoop down to the levels of other birds. And what I would call every guy to listen to this is, man, you need to be an eagle. And I'm not trying to be cheesy about it. I'm serious. Like, like sometimes you don't have to stoop down to the level of every other bird, not every unfair criticism demands a response, those that are helpful investors and that care for you. Well, you do. And if you start flying like an eagle, when you're criticized, uh, you'll respond gently. That's a good word. Because I do believe that Satan often uses criticism as a way to distract, to get us off mission. You know, Nehemiah is that they're on the wall and they're saying, come down here. Rick, I was about to say this. And he's saying, Hey, I'm on the wall and I'm doing a good thing. And I'm not going to get distracted. Like I said, uh, some people, they want to be validated and they get you off mission, fighting battles at the end of the day, weren't worth it. This is a piece of wisdom. Someone gave me that I've valued. That is never take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from. I love it. Think about that. I've, I, Drew's had this experience.

I've had this experience of preachers who split two churches, who completely failed to build a thriving church. And then they want to write me an email about what I'm doing wrong. Never take criticism from somebody you wouldn't take advice from. Rise above it is a good word. Be an eagle. You talked about Isaiah. You talked about Nehemiah. I think, you know, if you think about when Jesus was criticized and insulted, he, he either, he would usually do one of two things. He either would ask a question or he just wouldn't respond. He just didn't always defend himself. I love first Peter two 23. And this is in the, I actually love, I don't use it that often, Rick, but the message says they called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things straight. I love that. Well, and yeah, not every criticism deserves a response and, and I've had to learn that. Right. I talked earlier about all this stuff that, uh, you know, as a, as a leader you get when you don't say enough or say too much and, uh, dad, I thought it was hilarious. One of the first episodes we did, we talked about dishes and, uh, we learned a lot about criticism. Because I made a comment about how my dad does not do the dishes very routinely. Thanks a lot, by the way, for that. Well, man, I'm just speaking the truth. This thing went viral, Rick.

Listen, I'm an investor in your life. You need to welcome feedback from me and from my mother. So anyway, we put it on Instagram. We put it on Instagram, and there was like 250,000 views in like 24 hours. Yeah, there was. And it was hilarious to see the people in the comments that, to your point very earlier, Rick, sometimes people just want to make a comment. And they're fine with giving all of the energy in that moment, which is just crazy to me, to that one comment section. It doesn't add anything to their life. And here's what's hilarious. It was done in the context of taking responsibility for your life. And there is no one, no one that actually knows you as a human being and as a husband that would say you don't do that. But for the internet trolls, they didn't care. Well, I just wanted the record to show that I'm improving in this area. I did some dishes the other night. I did a couple of dishes. So I'm growing. I'm growing. Well, guys, look, I think this has been a helpful conversation. And man, I really appreciate y'all's time. Let me just ask one, is there anything else

that you feel like would be helpful to anybody listening to this right now? They're dealing with criticism in their home. It's in their workplace. Any avenue, is there anything that you haven't said yet that you just want to give them one final? Well, I would just say for a moment, I just want to flip the script. We've talked about how to handle criticism. But maybe as you've been listening to this, men, you realize, gosh, I'm kind of a critical person. And man, I would just encourage you to flip that script and realize that being a critical person, it's exhausting. I like that quote, David Goggins. He's a big old professional tough guy, former Navy SEAL. You know where I'm headed with this. He said, you will never meet a hater doing better than you. And I just want to encourage you, don't be a critic. And that would be it. Rick, last word. My last word would be back to what I said about the Sermon on the Mount. It's to be lived and not just memorized. And I think there's great wisdom in praying the Lord's Prayer regularly. And think about this, give us today our daily bread and forgive our debts as we forgive those or who sinned or who voted us. Here's the truth, guys. Every single day, somebody's gonna bump into your happy.

I don't care where you do or how you live, somebody's gonna bump into your handy. If you started the morning praying that prayer, you've pre-decided to forgive. I like that. What if you started your day deciding, I'm gonna be a forgiver today. And so the critic comes and some fool bumps into your happy, you've already decided, I'm gonna forgive the fool. And it's a beautiful thing to start each day saying, you know what, I'm not mad at anybody. Yeah, I love that. Man, that's brilliant. Rick, thank you so much. Love this, guys. Thank you so much for being on the podcast today. I was gonna criticize a little bit of how Landon leads a podcast, but I think, Drew, you can coach him and he'll get better. He'll get better. He's crushing it. Well, guys, thank you so much for listening to another episode of the Gaining Ground Podcast. As always, feel free to check out the website, gaininggroundmen.com. We'd love for you to like and subscribe on this episode as well. If you're in the Dallas-Fort Worth area and you're looking for a great church,

the Hills is a fantastic opportunity. Amazing church. If you don't have a church home, Rick has been there for years, leading faithfully and as a servant. And man, it was awesome to see what God did in this episode, and we'll be back soon with another one. All right. Thanks, y'all. See y'all.