The Hidden Cost of Being a High-Achieving Man | Aggressive Life with Brian Tome

Is there a very common one that cuts across demographics? What do you think it is? I think most men, especially achievers, like here's my experience with every high-capacity leader I've met, whether business world or ministry world. They got thrown in the deepen of the pool, young, and they survived it. But in order to survive it, most men have detached their head from their heart. They have no sense of who they actually are. They've got this, what psychology would call false self that they're always projecting. And so most men I know would know that a moment is sad, but they don't feel sad anymore. They would know that this is a great moment, but they don't feel necessarily a level of joy. They feel alone, emotionally stunted, and out of touch with their heart. And so they can't bring their best self to bear, because they have no idea who they even are, nor the gifts that God's put in them to use for his kingdom and their joy. That's 90% of the men that I walk with that tend to be high achievers, because that tends to be who I spend most of my time with. Right. Yeah, that is true. So you think that's a high achiever thing, mostly, which I think you're right. Yeah, and it could be, if my circle got two circles bigger, there might be some pressure put on that idea. But right now, I do these two retreats right now that are all business guys, like 30 year old, 40 year old, super successful, C suite, entrepreneur guys. And that has been a universally true thread through those men's lives, that their marriage issues almost always come back to, oh man, I have no sense of who I am. And I'm not emotionally available because I had to kill that to build this company, to build this church, to build this you fill in the blank. And so now, if I'm, I don't know that a mid level managers feeling that in the same way or experiencing that in the same way, but in my kind of smaller circles of men, so 25 to eight, when we do kind of what I would call below the line work, they have all detached from their heart and have no sense of who they actually are. Yeah. And is there any pattern? And as far as finding out who they are, like what kind of things they find out? Yeah, well, I think a lot of men begin to see that the front edge of their blade is actually the back edge of their blade, where like what makes me so good at this, create some issues, and I need to do work in the area of that if you think golden shadow, I need to do some shadow work here. Yeah, I need to understand. So I hate the modern therapy that have you go back and blame in your dad. I mean, good God, that man did the best he could. He probably felt the same things you were feeling. And well, not Ann, but so I'm not going back to blame Steve Chandler, but I do need to go back

to understand myself. And so maybe you've heard me say this before, but a lie that I am prone to believe at a fun, like a soul level, it's not prefrontal cortex stuff. It's that I'm useful, but not necessarily lovable. Now, what that produced is high pain tolerance and crazy work ethic. I can endure more than most, and I can work harder than most. What sucks for me is that everybody celebrates those things that they don't. But for me, it was rotting me from the inside out and causing undue hurt in my marriage that for seven years before I started kind of digging around in there by the grace of God and trying to figure out why am I built like this? Why does that bother me the way it bothers me? Why do I power up in a situation like that rather than staying steady? Why do I have a low key panic attack every time I get sick? What's driving me underneath the surface? And then when you can do a little bit, oh, I understand what's happening. Once you can name it, it's like it doesn't have as much power because I can spot it. And I did this work with my wife, so she can spot it and she can call me back to who I really am and who God's really made me. And now I'm heart. And that means I also feel when things are incredible, I feel those at such a greater clip. And so I'd like to think at 52 after a couple decades of doing this work, I feel whole hearted. I feel present when I'm with someone and not already moving on to the next thing. But I can see and feel and get a sense of the person who's in front of me. And I think most men can't do that.