Soulmates Don't Exist. Here's What Makes a Marriage Last. | Aggressive Life with Brian Tome

been married for a while, you realize, I mean, this is hard work. And in fact, it's still hard work. If I put the same amount of work into another relationship, it probably would have worked out. So what I used to say was what I do say, and I started saying over 30 years ago is, I could be married to any number of people who have had a good marriage, a whole bunch of people had a good marriage. And then now I say, and Libby could have been married to even more people that I could have married to and had a better, better marriage. Nobody has a soulmate. There was a book I wrote called Five Marks of Man, one of the positions in the book is that, if you're going to be a man, you got to take a minority position. So I'm standing up, the minority going, no, no, you don't have a soulmate. Hi, Windex. Wow, it's right hard in the paint, right from there. All right, exactly. That is a minority position that is, that's standing out taking a stand and having a hot take that a lot of people don't, right? So first of all, tell me about minority position. Why a minority position? What's the difference between a man and a boy when it comes to that? Yeah, well, there's five things that separate men from boys, and I don't want to get all of them. But one of them is, boys always have to be in the majority. Boys, boys have to feel like their beliefs are in step with all their friends' beliefs, that they're going in step with culture. They need that affirmation where a man goes, you know, I know I believe this and I'm okay being in the minority. I know that no one's going to do the things that I'm doing, and that's okay, because I know what I need to do. So you only, you only have a level of, a man has to have a level of self-confidence, and if you don't have that self-confidence, it'll never be in the minority. Yeah. So I think, this is the kind of thing people will say, like, I've got to find my soulmate. Right. And I think they, I've heard that, and I think people will say that because they've heard it before. Right. But really, I mean, the first question I have is like, what even is a soulmate? What do you think the definition of soulmate is? I interact with a lot of young dudes, and young women. And what is meant by that is that there is a person, a person that I could be married to. There is a person who is going to, to complete me. There is a person who I am 100% compatible. And so when I, when I think about these things, I've been thinking about this for a while. You know, I got married when I was 22 years old in 1988. Today, the average age for getting married is five years later than it was. I was kind of average then, we're getting later and later. And there's a lot of societal and economic factors for that, or economic beliefs, actually, I should say. But one of the things is, I don't, I'm not feeling somebody who's doing

it for me. There's no one who's kind of dropping off. And if you look at sort of the shifts and what we expect about marriage, there is, there is what I would call first one is a be the right person versus find the right person. Soulmate says, I just have to find that person. Well, what I'm saying is, no, you be the right person and you're going to attract a number of right people who you get married with. The second thing is build your life with this person versus this person completing your life. Yeah. The soul, yeah, the soulmate thing means to find this person. Yeah. And then they make me feel warm and cuddly. I would love her and hold her and squeeze her. Oh, it's a soulmate. What cartoons? I mean, it's Looney Tunes. It's the big like Sasquatch looking guy. Yeah. But he hung out like father. Little buddy, love him and hold him. Yeah. He'd like grab us money and he's like stroke. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of that Looney Tunes stuff doesn't hold up. No, no, it does. Pretty rough. No, it doesn't. So, you know, when you, when you get married, you're looking for someone you can build your life with. It's a team, which is another, another one of the marks a man is men are team players, boys got to be M.V.B's. Yeah. So, you're looking for somebody who, who really compliments you because that's what you need for a team versus somebody who completes you. So, that's a whole different thing. And then finally, there's an attitude you have towards life that I want to have a growth belief. I'm going to be with this person and we're going to grow with each other versus a destiny belief that says this person is my destiny. So, these, these are the many of us may get married and self-fulfilling because we expect this person to to complete us, to be our destiny, to be a soulmate so they're easy to get along with, there's no tension. And it just doesn't work. So yeah, so do you think people in your interactions with young people who are asking this question, do you think they think that out of fear? Like, I don't want to mess up. I don't want to ruin it. Or do they do it out of like, I don't know, selfishness or laziness or like, I'm just going to find the right person. And then it's all going to click. I'm not going to work for it. I think the other number of things is happening. I don't think any young person is intentionally trying to get married later. I think what's happening is there being sort of bill of goods that you've got to be in a minority position to look through it. So you're being sold a good bill of goods of you need to be financially stable before you get married. No, you don't. The way you'll get financially stable is if you're married. Because you're going to be part of a team and you're going to complement one another. I mean, that's right

there. Like, why do people live together? Because they realize it makes financial sense. And since this is very clear, if you live together before you're married, you will get divorced at a much higher percentage than if you get married. But the reason we're drawn to that is because there's economic benefits. So that's a real problem that we've a fallacy that we've got to see through another problem that we're having when you're younger is dating in the workplace is discouraged. You're afraid if I'm a manager, I start dating somebody. Is that a ding on me? Yeah, if you're CEO, you shouldn't be dating anybody. It's going to be abusive and people are going to be stuck up to power perhaps. But you know, good friends, my actually been on the podcast before Dale Tesman, him and his wife Fran met in corporate America. And they both said, neither one of them were really attractive to each other at all. But you start work with someone over time. Your taste changed. Like, oh, you see something and somebody you hadn't seen before. But we're not dating in the workplace or we're not even around the workplace because we're working remotely to actually be around women or men. And that's a problem. Yeah. How long have you been married? 38 years. So 38 years in, how does Libby's heard you say this before? How does she, how does she feel about that? She grew with you. She, she was a little hurt the first time she heard me say it 30 years ago. But she's not now. She's had a wilder. Yeah, because I said do I said 30 over 30 years ago. It doesn't take you long to be married. You know, here's your thing. The people who believe in soulmate haven't been married. Because what happens is as soon as you've been married for a while, you realize, man, this is hard work. And in fact, it's still hard work. If I put the same amount of work into another relationship, it probably would have worked out. So what I used to say was, was what I do say, and I started saying over 30 years ago is I could be married to any number of people who have had a good marriage. A whole bunch of people had a good marriage. And then I, now I say, and Libby could have been married to even more people I could have married to and had a better, better marriage. I'm actually harder to be married to than Libby's for sure. But yeah, we both understand that. Great marriages happen because of work. Now here's where the soulmate thing is true. I think what people, the kernel that I want to preserve is there are better people to get married to and worse people to get married to. So yes, you could make a choice that's really going to set you up for pain. And you can make a choice going to make your marriage much, much easier. Right. As I've said many times, I didn't stand first. Someone told me this years ago,

and I just owned it because it's totally true. The person you decide to marry is either going to double your impact or cut your impact in half. Yeah. So I'm not, I'm not demeaning that at all. But what I do see is we get so locked into, is this the right one that we can't make a decision? Right. It's not just this one person, but you can marry a sale or an anchor. There you go. What's that? You find it. I think the soulmate thing is an interesting thing because everyone looks at it forward, but I don't know, maybe you have a different phrase for it, but would you call Libby your soulmate now after 38 years? Like are your souls aligned somewhere? You know, I mean, I would, well, yeah, our souls are aligned. The biblical idea, and I'm going to give you a biblical example for this soulmate, this anti-soulmate theology I have just a moment, but yeah. Well, she more than my soulmate, the Bible defines us as being the same person. You know, when I marry somebody and if they want to have a unity, The way to do a unity candle is you both bring your Candles and you'd like the candle in the middle and then this is very key very progressive pastors and ministers don't like this You blow out your individual candle Because marriage is about dropping your individuality and you become one so she's really not my soul mate She's she's my soul as God looks at us. We're one of the same. This is the imagery for the church Yeah, when God looks at the church Which is anybody who's received Christ. He actually sees Jesus. We're we're we're unmistakable So yeah, as you grow in a marriage. Yes, you become that we're not not become that as far as it's easy And we see eye to eye and everything always lines up, but yeah What do you know you start bending to the other person desires serving the other person sacrifice the other person? Yeah, you know what you actually become one and things become easier Right, right. I I was thinking about it because I someone else said this is not related to relationships But just the friendships or team dynamics and I like it's really hard to break into this crew or whatever because all these people have done things You know, they're just really close and everything. I was like, you know how you get close Yeah, you do like a thousand hard projects together. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's like the same thing with this you know how you get a soul mate You'd be married for 30 years and you go through all kinds of crap together and next thing You know, like you wouldn't trust anybody else because you because you've been side-by-side the whole time So it's like a I don't know I think about it as like you earn you earn soul mate

You don't just go out and be given it to well, whatever you and how do you earn it? You earn it with a great work ethic. Yeah, maybe I'll maybe I'll end here on this part that we can talk about anything anything you want I think the define first of all. Yeah, we ask these questions minority position I'm gonna be always in the minority because I'm actually one of these weird people who reads the Bible believes it and does it yeah all three I Read it. I believe it and I do it. So anybody who does that you're always Going to be in the minority So here's a key a key story where this really clicked for me God comes to Abraham who's Going to be the father of a new nation He tells me you're gonna have so many descendants. They're gonna outnumber the stars in the sky. It's gonna be Genesis 12 to through you all people will be blessed This is the dream Abraham hasn't had a child at this point. He only has a child much much later in life It's Isaac an ancient Middle Eastern culture and actually today still in Middle Eastern culture and Regrettably so perhaps even in American culture and many corners of it. Anyway, people want a boy They want the boy. They want the boy. They want the boy and girls are Lessened unfortunately So he gets a boy. It's Isaac. It's awesome to have a boy But it only means something if Isaac is going to reproduce and have a lot of kids and start the start the vision going of descendants to outnumber the stars, right? Right. Right. So Abraham is a massive wealth he has he has a servant of his certain of his goes looking for a mate and Actually, I took a little screenshot of this. Let me let me actually read it for you Here here's what happens is Isaac goes looking for a mate for him Because this is that this is the dream. Hope is dream. Here's it says He says behold, I'm standing by a spring of water and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water He's praying to God People people the daughters are coming to draw water. How will I and he's trying to figure out how will I know? who the one is

The God has called for Isaac to carry on the dream and here's how he's gonna find out Let the young women to whom I shall say please let down your jar that I may drink and who shall say Drink and I will water your camels let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac How is he gonna find out the one? The one who's got the work ethic. Hmm. That's how that's how it is. He's got 10 camels each camel When they're thirsty can drink 20 to 30 gallons of water If she carries like three gallons of water a time pulling it up You're you're talking about sixty seven to a hundred trips to get water. Wow How does he know which was one? Because the one who's willing to work for it and then and then it goes on and it says this by this I shall know that you have you have shown steadfast love by master before you do Behold, Rebecca, who was born to, whatever, whatever, whatever, came out with her water jar on her shoulder. The young woman was very attractive in appearance. A maiden whom no one had known. So he notices, he notices the looks. And you have to have, when you're dating somebody, or when you want to marry somebody, there has to be something about their physical properties or how they carry themselves that turns you on sexually. There's got to be a level of that, even there. Guys who haven't, and I'm just speaking with guys here, maybe this case with women. I don't know a lot about women, I know more about guys. Even there, guys tend to have an attraction to a specific type of woman. - Everybody's got a type. - Yeah, a type.

- Yeah. - And what I've seen again and again and again and again, is you put a guy around someone who's not the preferred type previously, and you start them seeing different things about that woman that they really appreciate, they'll start getting turned on by things that they wouldn't have been their type before. - You see the whole person, not just your stereotype or whatever. You do see the whole person, but actually the person becomes attractive to them, very, very attractive, when they wouldn't have day one, and nothing's changed about them. - At all, but they find those qualities, I'm talking about your physical qualities, that actually turns them on. There's a change that happens because they've seen something else. So what I'm saying here is just this. The soulmate belief keeps us from finding all women attractive. 'Cause we never get to know any of them, - You miss out, you're saying you miss out. - We don't see them serving, and this is why I say with Lib, this is why she would have way more men to choose from than I would because she's more of a server than I am. And anybody who's married to somebody who serves,

who, that is sexy. I mean, seriously sexy. And that's actually the key to why there's so many divorces, is there's so few people who serve one another. - Right, so that's why I'm, this soulmate thing bothered me. This soulmate assumes it's gonna be easy, I just roll out of bed, it's an easy marriage, no, no, you gotta serve them. The more you believe in the soulmate, probably the less you're gonna serve. - Right, there's an inherent expectation or entitlement kind of in that statement than like, I'm gonna find somebody that's worth working hard for, worth serving, all that kind of thing. - I made the wrong decision 'cause my relationship is hard. - Right. You might have made a bad decision, some people do make bad decisions, but it goes back to the be the right person instead of find the right person. You be the right person and you start serving and you find out how that person starts serving and your marriage goes a new place. - Sorry, I'll have to say with that. - That's good, you know, great. I do have some lightning round here. If we're talking about minority positions,

we might have some other hot takes, some other stuff that might, you know, piss people off. - All right, well I'm all about that, what do you got? Let's say that's good, go quickly here. When's the earliest acceptable date to listen to Christmas music? - Oh my gosh, this is so easy. If you don't agree with me, you are a freaking idiot. It's the day after Thanksgiving. - May be Thanksgiving evening. Maybe then, hey, let's enjoy all the holidays. - All right, here's what I'd say is enjoy Halloween. If you enjoy Halloween, let's enjoy Thanksgiving. And then let's enjoy Christmas. - I think it's the day after Halloween. - Oh my gosh. - 'Cause you know why? - No, listen, here was why. What's your favorite Thanksgiving song? - Exactly. - You have no Thanksgiving songs. Might as well start listening to them. Listen to that Vince Garaldi, Charlie Brown's Christmas. I can listen. - Okay, okay, okay, hold on, okay, hold on. All right, so I guess that was your question. Was Christmas music? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Okay, that's a good point. I might be able to bend to that, but I'm talking, I don't wanna see Christmas crap

until the day after Thanksgiving. - Absolutely. - Okay, all right, all right. - So Christmas ornaments, I'm saying like December 15th. You don't have time to put that up. - Look at you pushing on me making me better. If you put them up that early, you need like a new hobby. All right, I will have an amendment just for Christmas music. - Yeah, yeah, that's legit. - All right, is it rude to recline your seat on an airplane? - It is not rude to recline your seat in the airplane. Otherwise, they wouldn't make the seats to recline. Anna bothered you that much, spending out of $35 and do upgrade to economy plus. - Okay, is it rude to tap when they have the screens on the back? Are you sensitive? Are you sensitive to like making sure you're not smacking on because I think about that. - Yeah, I am, I think that's rude. - Yes. - Next one, this is an easy one. Is pickleball a real sport? - Yeah, it is, yes, yes it is, yes it is. There's scoring. I think it's, I think it just says a lot that people get injured playing pickleball. - I know some of them broke his hand playing pickleball.

- Yeah, okay, so you might have wanted to have some basic workout regimen before you play pickleball. - It's not the only sport. - Go do something else. - Yeah, walk around. Are dogs better than cats? - Yes, dogs think about other people. Cats do not think about other people. You know, I think about this whole make question, like, is there just one dog for me? I don't think it's true, but I think I did pick the wrong dog. Like my dog won't listen to this podcast 'cause it's, first of all, 'cause she's a dog for a second 'cause she's a complete idiot. Just a, just a turd of a dog. - Well, you had a hard time house-breaking her and stuff, didn't you? - Well, she's, she's pretty smart. You know what she does? - What? - She is completely house-broken, but every now and again, like every two months, she will go into me and Cindy's bed, which she's not allowed in that room, but somebody leaves the door open and she pees in our bed. - And you do what when she pees in her bed? - I pull her out, I rub her in it, and I pull it all out, and I'm like, "You're bad!"

And she knows she's bad for like two days. - You physically dominate and rub her face. - Yeah, she knows it, but it's, I don't know. She's, she's a crappy dog. - Whoa, what? You don't care, they're just more dirt and grime from her. She probably don't even know this. - I will tell you this. There's maybe been a night or two when I'm laying there. I don't even realize it's happened. I'm laying there. I'm like, "Am I still wet for a shower or whatever?" And then I'm like, "No, I don't even think that." - No, and then I just, I'm like, I'm just gonna roll over a little further. I'm gonna deal with it in the morning, so yeah. Next question, is hunting a sport if the animal doesn't know what's playing? - It is, and let me tell you why. Let me tell you why. This is a good one. I used to think hunting wasn't a sport because there's no ball and scoring involved, so it can't be a sport, but it is a sport in that there are rules that you have to follow to define whether or not you win or lose. And if you're not a hunter, you don't know this. There's specific times you can hunt. You can't hunt a dark with a light with deer, for instance,

'cause you're gonna blind them and they're just gonna be frozen. You can kill them easily. There's a specific season. There's a specific type of weapon you can use. You can't use an automatic weapon. Shoot, you can't even, for the most part, you use a semi-auto weapon. There's cartridges in Ohio you can't use, so there's a bunch of rules, so there's quote unquote fair chase. You can't use a drone. You can't take a drone up and find out where the drone is, where the animals are and do XYZ on my Alaska hunt. I can't go over to Alaska. And all of us have our own walkie-talkies and go all over the place and tell people where we're seeing animals and call people in. So there's a lot of strict rules that you have to follow to give quote unquote fair chase. Even though the animal may not know it's a fair chase, they smell you, they're aware, they're gone. So that's why it's known as a sport. - All right, one last one. This lightning round, we're pretty chatty on this lightning round. - Yeah, it was, that was a long answer, sorry. - Is camping still camping if you're sleeping in an RV?

- No. - Disagree. Have you ever had an RV? - No, 'cause I'm a red blooded man. I'm a red blooded man who's still not a senior citizen. - I have children who are young children and we bought a camper trailer a couple of years ago. I gotta tell you, an RV is just as much set up work if not more than actual camping. - I'm not saying it isn't fun. I'm not saying it isn't meaningful. But if you're sitting down on a white thing and pooping, it's not camping. Yeah, but it's a disgusting bathroom and it stinks it's actually more work. - Your bathroom at home is a disgusting bathroom. We've already established it. - You're playing the home is a disgusting bathroom. - I clean it every couple of months whether it needs it or not. - Yeah, okay, that's it. We'll save some of these lightning rounds for the next episode. - These are pretty great. Those are some strong minority opinions. I'm glad to hear them. It's helpful. - Yeah. - So, hey, we're here to help people. And if that hot take that goes against

the cultural milieu or context we're in helps you which is why we're doing it. We're not trying to just kind of rattle cages. It won't help you. So we're here to help you in the aggressive life. We'll see you next time on the aggressive life. (upbeat music) Thanks for joining us on this journey toward aggressive living. Find more resources, articles, past episodes, and more at brontome.com. My new book, A 60 Day Devotional Called, The Five Marks for Man, 60 Days to a Powerful Life, along with all the other books in the Five Marks library are open right now on Amazon. Be sure to leave us a rating and review wherever you listen to your podcast. Then send an email to dirt. That's [email protected] to get a free aggressive life sticker. Find more on Instagram @brontome. The aggressive life is a production of Crossroads Church Cincinnati, Ohio. (upbeat music) [MUSIC PLAYING]