Home Work Pt. 9

This may be the most important message so far in this series It's about communication and you all know we have difficulty communicating with those who are closest to us Those who live with us, but I've got a word from God today. It's gonna bless your life. It's called can we talk? We're about to go into sanctuary right now. Don't forget to like comment share and subscribe and I'll see you right after the service Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh All right, if you can stand without harm to yourself let's stand for the reading of the word This is part nine of our series homework. That's two words as we work on things in our home and Build a better family life now before we get into this word today I want everybody at Zion will bridge as I am for Washington and Zion land over here Zion green belt I'll tell you what to do online in a moment I want you to do me a favor and I know it may be awkward. Just tell two or three people I'm glad you made it to church today say that for me Two or three people you may have to reach around I'm glad you made it to church today put it in the chat Glad you made it to church today, I'm glad you made it Glad you made it. Hey, man Hey, man There's a lot of stuff you can be grateful for that you made it. Yeah, you made it You made it Think about you made it You made it You made it Yeah Some people wouldn't have made it through what you made it through, but you made it I think sometimes we're fate

We're so focused on what's in front of us that every now and then you need to peek back in what he already brought you through And he's the same God yesterday the day in forever Amen, I want to focus on two verses today for the time that we have in James chapter 1 Versus 19 and 20. I'm going to read from the amplify Bible it says understand this my beloved brothers and sisters Let everyone be quick to hear Be a careful thoughtful listener slow to speak a Speaker of carefully chosen words and slow to anger patient reflective forgive it For the resentful deep-seated anger of a man does not produce the righteousness of God You can't be so angry that your anger turns into God's purpose That standard of behavior which he requires from us Now I'm to go back to verse 19 and read it again, and I want to focus on three phrases. He wants us to be quick to hear slow to speak slow to anger Let's do that together say quick to hear Let's try one more time because I want us to be in unison everywhere. Repeat after me quick to hear slow to speak slow to anger I Want to talk today about? Communication work in our home and my subject today is can we talk? You may be seated It is almost impossible To say that subject can we talk Without addressing the elephant in the room How can you say that without thinking about the classic R&B song? Hey, y'all know I can call we assign music right back out here, and they will hit it like just like that But the truth is I didn't pick that title to be trendy or cool I'm damn serious Can we talk? Because this may be the most important part of this series so far

Because of the inability in so many of our homes To be able to have conversations that are healthy that are peaceful that are reasonable and productive and it is representative in our families. Those three words can we talk are so intimidating because we don't talk well and our conversations escalate. I'll be honest with you ladies when a man hears those three words where's my phone anyway when a man hears those three words from his wife or his significant other if a man he could be sitting he could be in his man okay he can be watching the gang chilling relaxing if his wife comes in there whatever the mood was she coming they say can we talk it's let me tell you something his heart is on the floor stress level when way up here he started thinking and about 700 miles an hour is where this brain is going oh what is it what is it what what jesus help shadrak me shadk benderko adam eve jeswap you don't know what what did i do at least that's just this is all in one second all these thoughts that i leave this dishes in the same cover i must have left dirty clothes ah left the toilet seat up what is it did she check did she check my internet history did she go through my phone somebody here ain't laughing right now he goes through all of those iterations in his head trying to figure out what it is and she just said can we talk and then he cuts the game off and says sure and she says there's one of the kids and you like that's what i'm talking want me to beat him man it is stressful it is a stress those three words are stressful to you he could be in one his friend's house watching the game like like they over there watching the game eating chips and and eating wings and and and games going on they're having a good time and she texts him in the game and he gets a text can we talk and he see that text and he like so he gets up and he just say hey look here man i'm out man i see hey no no i was wrong no no i got i got i got stuff i got to do something in the morning man y'all go ahead what's up dog now how many of y'all know i'm telling the truth it's a whole different energy ain't no man gonna lay his hand but it is stressful right now what i'm saying is it's not just a problem with a husband and wife we have problems talking siblings don't get along in families we have problems with kids and parents having healthy conversations it's not just husbands and wives we got a problem throughout the house where there's this inability

to have this this lack of skill and ability to have peaceful successful productive conversations and if you live in a house and so many do where there's tension around conversations where people kirk out but they still say that crash out and go to 10 if you live in a situation like that where the conversations go to 10 and people crash out let me just say this to you it's going to require a better version of you to help rectify that and you're like well i got to always be me and i'm saying it's going to have to be a better version of you because you the only one i'm talking to right now i know you y'all just let me tell you how you mess up in church you mess up in church when you hear a message and you always saying they need to hear that no you need to hear you need to hear because you might be the one that crashes out or you might be the target of a crash out but everybody needs to get better because if you have skills the Bible says a soft answer turns away wrath so you can learn how to diffuse things too when your skills are better and by the way when somebody crashes out and they go to 10 usually it's not the event that did it it's the the events that are under the events that this this that just toppled over into this event and when people go hysterical it's usually something historical connected to it please you're preaching good at pastor when something hysterical is happening it's also because This ain't the first time we had to deal with this. It doesn't make it right, I'm just trying to explain it. So we need the skills to deal with it, and I'm so glad that James has given it to us. I believe James, after one verse 19, all by itself, is a master class in communication. I just need to find my little, where do my pencil? I just, I'm gonna use my fingers then, all right? Here's what I wanna do, I wanna go through this slow enough for us to be able to practice it in our lives. He starts off by saying, understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. So that ain't gonna work.

(audience laughs) No, that ain't gonna work. We, you ain't see what I did with my little thing. I'm gonna find it, check my pockets. Who say you check your pockets? Okay, so I know we got another one. Anyway, so Jesus, where's Jesus? Come on, Jesus, don't he look like Jesus? Jesus, I don't know where the thing is, Jesus. Help me, Jesus. You said, call him, look at this, look at this, look at this. (audience laughs) He's a miracle worker. My Lord. Hey, we better get a backup though, Jesus, amen. (audience laughs) That man look like Jesus to me, I'll say it. Every time I see him, I just go like this, amen. (audience laughs) My beloved brothers and sisters, you know what James is saying right up front, he wants you to know, I'm talking to believers. Don't you try this if you ain't saved? You're gonna need the Lord for this one. My brothers and sisters, here's practicum number one, let everyone be quick to hear. Isn't it interesting that when James gives us through the Word of God, the master class on how to have healthy communication,

he does not start with our mouth, he starts with our ears. Everybody say, listen, now here's the problem, here's why we have communication challenges in our homes, because even though we were taught to talk, even as babies, we're taught to speak, even though they can walk, he said that, that, that. You won't even make no sense, that, that, that, that. (audience laughs) My daughter, you say bad, the bad, the bad, the bad. And we just interpreted it, have a nice day, that's what we call it. And telling the truth, Jesus says, thank you, you band, Dan, say, you welcome. (audience laughs) Stop telling them children they really talking, they ain't saying nothing, they ain't saying nothing. She meant that, okay? We teach them how to read while they're kids, all the way through school. Teach them how to talk, teach them how to write. What class, at any level of education, are we taught how to listen? And James says, it's the most important part. We're missing a skill, that, that's why we argue, you know why? 'Cause we just take turns, now listen to each other. You know what we say? You finished? (audience laughs)

'Cause I don't know what the rest you say, I already locked in on a lie that you say it, 'cause I'm going back to the lie. So we talk like we're in the courtroom, not in our own house. (audience laughs) (audience applauds) They said we gotta start with listening, and he says, he says, and be, watch this, be a careful, thoughtful listener. That means you listen beyond the words, and what are you trying to tell, what are you feeling? What was that like to be you in that situation? You know who gets this to worse? People will say it's there in their marriage, I'm gonna tell you who I believe in your home, or in most homes, who experience not being heard the most in his children. - Say it again, Pastor. - It's children, it is. You know why? 'Cause we don't, you know, we grew up in a town when they said it's don't be heard, seen, but don't be heard. And so we asked a question, they said, 'cause I said so. It's like, it's like, every child just get on, you know your child feel like their name is, you get on my nerves. So every conversation is interrupted,

and their lack of intelligence and lack of wisdom is dismissed, as you don't know what you're talking about, they keep getting shut down and shut down and shut down. So I wonder how many children represented in this service, 9.45 a.m. Eastern time across all of our campuses. I wonder how many of our children would say, "You know what, I grew up in a house where I felt heard. "I felt listened to and my words of value. "I wonder how many children would say that." Now we call them the church say they won't talk to me well Who wants to talk to somebody whose opinion is not valued? And there's a way you can value the opinion of a child without judging it You can first of all first thing you want to do is try to understand them You need three things these ain't gonna come on the screen write them down if they're important to you You need three things to be able to listen to a particularly a trial One is you got to have you got to have curiosity Like I'm interested in you Not nosyness. I'm just interested in you. You got to have you got to have concern. I really care about you And you got to have compassion his compassion. I used to be young, too We act like when we're in our 40s and 50s and 60s We expect our children to have the same level of intelligence and prudence that we have at this age So when they don't have it at their age, we don't treat them. We act like we had it when we raised. No, you didn't And I'm saying when they come to us we should be willing to be curious Concerned and compassionate that's an inviting environment and when you listen to them try to tell them what you heard That's where you start. How about this the first two words in the verse says understand this The most important thing you can do is show that I understand you you don't even have to agree with it. Do you understand it? Do I understand what you're trying to say is I get it? So watch this before you make your point make their point That was so good

Before you try to make your point make their point for them. This is what I think you're trying to say here Say it better than them Communicate it as if you're representing them in the court of law Not you're they're not they're a defendant and you're a plaintiff. No, I'm here with you I want to speak what you're trying to speak. I want to put your pain in the words and before I reply I want to repeat what I heard Not just middle-e that's how it starts. I Promise you that's a rare thing in a home First of all, we don't have time. I want to hear that but I say what I say No Now When when somebody in your family comes to talk to you and they open up themselves listen be curious Ask them these three questions. Here's three questions. You can ask them number one is When they tell you and you've taken time to put in your own words, but they said yes and these three questions number one Would you like any advice or feedback from me? Why should you ask that? Oh, I forgot to do this remind me at that point this whole subject is so important I'm gonna finish that point. I'm gonna finish that point come back to this remind me to come back here come back here pastor BH that means come back here That's how I made it at school that my mind already come back here The reason why you should ask them do you want my advice or feedback is because when you give unsolicited feedback? It seems condescending Well, you know you should do and I just try and tell you what's going on Here's question number two. Did you just want me to be a sounding board or listening here? And you want to handle it on your own? I'm honored that you would include me on your committee on your board of directors to be a just a listening ear to you. I Trust you're gonna handle this right. I'm here if you need me. Here's question number three Do you want me to be a helping hand in any way? Is there anything that you're hoping that I will do to help you in this situation? I may not because I reserve the right to say no, but is there something you want me to do that way? You get clarity of the context are y'all listening to me? Now let me come back. I meant to break this subject down because can we talk is layered is deep

See if I just emphasize it we can break down just we could just do a breakdown of the topic. How about this? Can if I emphasize can Can we talk? Can we that's that's do I have permission to talk to you? See, I think one of the things you should respect in your home is everybody's personal space You're just going to walk in there and say we already talk That's what's wrong. That's that's Geisten even if it's a child. Can we talk? Is this a good time when would be a good time for us to talk you understand what I'm saying? That's asking permission. That's respect How about can we talk and also mean this can we talk also speaks to capacity? Dr. Evans like do we have the skills and the spiritual maturity to have a healthy conversation are we even capable? How about focusing on the body? everybody church about us. You're talking to your sisters about us. You're talking to your frat brothers about us. How can can we have a conversation about this? Maybe not because it always escalates. How about the third word? Can we can we talk? Can we stop killing each other with silence in this house and address the elephant in the room. Can we talk? I know it. Amen. I just love that by the way. Amen. Some of y'all really want to say that, but in no life that you would live. If you lived eight times, you would never do it. It's just something you just ain't gonna do it. But it's in you. It's in you saying the same thing. She's just speaking for you. Everybody say you want it passed. Did y'all say that at Woodbridge? I'm running out of time. Let me see how we're going to do this. I'm on time. Be quick to hear. Be a careful, thoughtful listener. Be a careful, thoughtful listener. That means you don't cut people off. You don't give disrespectful, disengaged body language. Somebody say, can I talk to you? Go ahead. I'm here. That's that immaturity. Somebody right now said, did you call him? No, I'm asking you. Did you call him? They don't have my

number. They ain't like that. A thoughtful listener. I statements instead of you statements. I said to saying, it's saying, you just respect me. That's accusatory. Just say, I just don't always feel respected by you. It is being considered, thoughtful. Then here's what James says. I'm going to move on to the next thing. He says, don't just be quick to hear. Be slow to speak. He doesn't say you can't speak. Slow. Slow down your response. You know what slowing down your speech does? It turns it from a competition to a conversation. Competitions, competition talking happens quick. Fire. Fire. I know you ain't say that. Go ahead. You finish. When you compete with a person when you're talking to them, you want to win. You want them to lose. When you have a loving conversation, how could we both come away from this winning? In fact, I'm willing to, I'm willing to first understand Stephen R. Covey says, I'm willing to first understand you and then be understood. And those two things happen in the same conversation. You may have to understand them now and they may get around to understand you later. But somebody's got to take the lead and say, I just want to understand what it was like to be you. You don't have to agree with it. Do you understand it? Be slow to speak. Slow down your speech. And here's how the speech should sound because let me get a couple of other verses. That's what I'll do. Listen to this. You should take a picture of this verse. Let people finish speaking before you try to answer them. That way you will not embarrass yourself and look foolish. Bam. Go ahead and get a screenshot of that one. Put that in your phone. See, when you're familiar with a family member, you already think you know what they're gonna say so you never,

you don't come with fresh ears. You be like, here we go. Cut them off. They're trying to ask you a question. Yes. Here's another one. Screens out this one. Do you see a conceited man who speaks quickly offering his opinions or answering without thinking? Hey, answering without thinking. There's more hope of a thick headed food than for him. There's another one. Good work. You see, the goal is, is to make sure that your speaking fits what you heard. Let me do it like this. I'll go here for a second. Let me go to this thing. There's really a pattern here that you see in this passage. Listen, think, then speak. Listen, listen carefully and thoughtfully, think, and then speak. The Bible says, well, I said speak using carefully chosen words. We'll put it back up again. Listen, think, speak. Because if you flip this, you're going to be speaking. And whenever you speak without thinking, you always talk in reckless. And because you have to, and you don't use carefully chosen words, you know why you have to use carefully chosen words? 'Cause words are powerful. Words sting and they stick. You can say something in a moment of emotions that will stay long beyond the emotions. And years later, you ain't even mad at the person no more, but they still felt what you said. And you know what's deep because it went into their long-term memory. Things you emotionally respond to, you go into a part of your brain that is there forever.

And this is what's deep about it. The person that said it may not remember it, but the person that heard it may not ever forget it. That's why sometimes it's better to just be quiet. Well, sometimes if you got to say something, you know what, sometimes you need to write it down so you can read it. And say, "Ah, nah, that got too many." "Ah, let me rewrite that." I didn't have to say all that. I didn't say 'bout your mother and all that. Your mother ain't even, "Nah, ain't even 'bout your mother." Let me rewrite that. And then, "Ah, too many exclamation points." "Ah, let me just put a period." You have to sometimes edit your stuff so that it lands right. 'Cause you ain't gonna get to take it back. I say, "You're not gonna get to take it back." And some of us just, we just, we treat the people in our house like that. Like it's just like, we don't care. And then we say, "Well, I can't, I couldn't help it." Yes, you can. You can help it. That's why we're doing this. That's why we're having this conversation. So you can choose your words carefully. 'Cause one of the things that has to happen, one of the things that has to happen,

I think this is very important. Let me go to this thing, is the Bible says fools vent their anger, fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back. You know what that says? Fools and wise people get angry. You know the wise people do it anger? They quietly hold it back. They say less. The more angry you are, the less you should be talking. If your mouth is open, when you angry, we got problems. And just 'cause it came to your mind don't mean it's supposed to come out your mouth. Stop being 10 toes down on everything and keeping it above, and you don't want to hit 100. Don't call me. That's your problem. You got a reputation of speaking your mind and telling it like it is. And you're proud of that. And I'm saying, that is not godly. Shut your mouth. You waited to you. I mean, this is the truth. When we were young, we couldn't say some words. We waited 'til we got old enough to say 'em. Then you got saved, you're not supposed to say 'em. Amen. Amen. Shut up, just 'cause you grown

and you get to say it and it's legal. Just 'cause it's legal don't mean it's godly. Just 'cause it's legal don't mean it's godly. Look at this. An angry person causes arguments. Don't we know that? And when he's angry, he causes many sins to happen. An angry person going to rampage with it. They're like an arsonist. They sent everybody on fire. 'Cause when you're dealing with a person who talks angrily, who talks like they in the courtroom, it's easy to get in that flow with 'em. But you have to resist that. And one of the toughest things in a family, one of the toughest things in a family is to reverse a pattern of fleshly carnal talking to one another. It's hard to break it 'cause you've been talking to each other like that for years. And when you've been talking to each other like that for years and God interrupts that and says, "I'm sending you a word." Don't you know when you, I told you all this before. If you stop jumping around from place to place, if you sit under a ministry long enough, God will send you a word that you need. Amen. You will always give what you need, but you gotta learn how to sit somewhere where God can speak to you.

And then God comes and speaks to you and disrupts your normal. It starts talking to you. And this is the problem. He's trying to set you free and bring some miracles 'cause if we get this right, if we get the communication thing right, there's no telling what can happen in our families because of the level of healing and the level of unity and the level of apologies. But what happens is we hear the truth and then we default back to the way we always talk to each other. Who understands what I'm saying? You understand what I'm saying? So what happened? We go to our default. We were just in church, 'Cause that's the default. So what you have to do is you're gonna have to go through a period of silence where you're gonna say nothing. Rather than speak to the default until you get so trained by God to control your mouth and speak only which is helpful, you're gonna have a season in your life where you say less, say less till you can say better. All right, you understand what I'm saying? It's better to be quiet and understand it. I'm not trying to be mean. I just don't want us to, I don't want us to relapse.

And sometimes when you feel it going into relapse, you gotta stop it and say, you know what? I don't think we should talk right now. This is not going the way we should go. I think we should stop this. I think we should pray. I think, no, I don't wanna pray. I think we should, I'm around to stop right now. I don't want us to say something that's gonna be harmful. I'd rather us go get some rest and pick this up another time. Maybe we can get somebody, maybe we get Pastor Larry to come over our house and spend a week with us, just sleeping in the house with us till we get it right. And then he can stay another week after that to get us on the right track and then Pastor Monica can stay over. But don't call Pastor Battle 'cause he ain't coming over here. Like I just think, you gotta stop it. Stop it. Just 'cause the train is out of control, don't mean you need to stay on it. Let's stop this before we say something we can't recover from. Well, I'm out of here. I'm leaving. Just go downstairs and sit down. That's your word, that's the word, that's the word right now.

I need everybody to go downstairs and sit down. That's what you do, that's your word. Go downstairs and sit down. All right, I got one more thing. How y'all doing? You know we over time. This is, this is, this is, this is the deal. Angry, what James is getting at is the whole issue is around anger. And what he says in this verse is it's what it's called, you say, it's right here, anger. Be slow to anger, slow to anger. How do you get slow to anger? One of the ways is you forgive. And sometimes you gotta forgive a person before they even ask for it. And sometimes you gotta forgive a person who will never ask for it. Well, why would I do that? Why would I forgive somebody that ain't even asking me to forgive and don't even acknowledge what they did wrong? Here's why, I know you mad at me now. I ain't forgive it. Here's why you forgive. Because it may be the only way you can get free. Because that anger they spewed in you is now in you. And anger is hard on a body. It's hard on us physiologically. Anger will eat up your peace. It'll eat up your joy.

It'll eat up your hope. It'll eat up your vision. And sometimes you gotta forgive a person just so you can be free. And you know why else you gotta forgive a person? Because some people will say, you know what? No, I can't help it. I can't control my anger. And when I go to 10, I go to 10. Y'all push the button. Y'all push the button. That's a myth, that's a lie. Anybody to walk around and say they can't control their anger, they're lying. Every human being can control their anger. I'll prove it to you. People, you ever seen a kid, particularly a son, and he going off on his mother and he having a tantrum? And his father walking the room? Boy, what you doing? (audience laughs) He mad, but he ain't dumb. (audience laughs) People that act crazy, act crazy in front of people, they won't stop them. Who is so good? This is so good. I said, people that act crazy, only act crazy. Okay, I shouldn't say this, but I'm gonna say it.

2004, the malice in the palace. Ron Artes, ridiculously, decided to hard foul. Big Ben was his name, Wallace. Ron Artes, supposed to be a thug. He had been Wallace and Ben Wallace walked up to him and pushed his head away from his body. His body was on his feet was on the floor, his head was at the scorers' table. That's how hard Ben pushed his soul out of him. And Ron had an amazing amount of self-control. (audience laughs) He never responded. Ben was chasing him and taggingizing him, took his headband off, throwing stuff at him. Lay down on the scores table. I ain't about no fight man, I'm a peaceful man with Big Ben. Somebody in the stands threw a drink on him and all that self-control came out, but not on Big Ben. And all his teammates that went in the stands, not one of them put their hands on, Big Ben, but they were swinging them on them fans, it's controlled. I'm telling you, people, you're out of the act to the police show up, they'll be like, I wasn't like what me? If you couldn't control your anger, God wouldn't say to do it. And this is what I'm saying. Too many people are living in a house with somebody who knows they won't be held accountable for acting crazy with you. And then there's that, I'm sorry, I just was on ten, I'm sorry, I just cooked up, I'm just sorry, I crashed out, no, no, no, no, no, don't minimize it. Because here's the deal, you have to understand when it comes to anger, that deep seated anger is something that's been building for a long time, it's been building, it's been ticking

like a bomb. And not all anger is wrong, God, I need to finish this, not all anger is wrong. Jesus was angry throughout the Bible, never sinned. Marked out to three verse five, he walks up on the man who needs healing. He's about to heal the man, but the religious leaders are so into rituals that they don't care about the pain of this man. Jesus was angry with them and healed the man. Matthew chapter 21, Jesus comes into the temple and sees that they had turned the house of prayer into a den of thieves. And he ran everybody out of the temple, he was angry, but he did not sinned. John chapter 11, Jesus shows up at Lazarus' grave site. And the Bible says when he saw the condition of the family and knew Lazarus' situation, he was angry, he told him, "Roll away the stone, raise Lazarus from the dead." Here's what I'm telling you, Jesus was angry time after time. He didn't use his anger to sin, he used his anger to change a situation. And sometimes you got to be mad enough about the wrong thing to do the right thing about it. So not all anger is wrong, it's how you manage it. How do you know if you're supposed to be angry? Is this something God would be angry about? Or is this your reputation or your immaturity that's got you angry? How about Cain in the Bible, Genesis chapter 4? He was angry, what is he angry about? God says you better be careful, that anger is crouching at your door. What was he angry about? He's jealous of Abel and Abel's favor with God. The jealousy will make you angry. And not only does he have the wrong anger past the blossom, he has the wrong expression of it, he turned it into violence and killed his own brother. Wrong, wrong, wrong type of anger and the wrong expression of anger.

Now let me say this, you can be angry at the right thing and handle it the wrong way. And you're still wrong. You got to be right, you got to be mad at the right thing and respond the right way. Amen. Now you know why we end up having deep seated anger? Anger that just lingers is because we don't obey this verse in Proverbs and Ephesians chapter 4 and I'm going to close with this. When the Bible says be angry but do not sin, don't let the sun go down before you have dealt with the cause of your angry. You know what it's saying? Stop going to be a man every night, every night, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, every night going to be a man, not addressing it. Can we talk? And before you know it, you explode. It's because when you allow anger to fester and smolder, you will paint a narrative about the person you're angry with and all of their actions will feed the narrative. Hey y'all, I trust you enjoyed that word. I trust it challenge you just like it challenged me. And here's what I'm praying for, the God will heal families that heal sibling relationships, parent-child relationships, husbands and wives that he would cause us to be more concerned when we talk to each other, more curious, more compassionate and that he will heal less in ways that only he can. And we'll see you back here next week right here at Zion Church. (upbeat music)