You Are Loved | Raw Forgiveness Through Jesus Christ

Welcome to the series, You Are Loved. My goal is to share people's incredible stories in the hopes of encouraging you to keep going, no matter how hard it is, and to show you how loved you are by your heavenly father. This week, I have the honor of sharing with you Faye's story. When Faye's mom passed away, everything inside of her burst open. All of the lies, abuse, brokenness, insecurities that she had tried so hard to push away began to surface. She started having suicidal thoughts and realized that she needed help processing the trauma from her past. Watch to see where she went for help and how she was able to overcome. So tell me a little bit about yourself. Well, I was born and raised in Florida and married too young. And that marriage didn't work. But after we had moved up here, and after that marriage fell apart, I met my current husband, Jack, and it was like instantly knowing that that was the one that was for me. And so he brought two children to our marriage and I brought one and I put mine right in the middle. I'm sorry, boys, you know, but it's, it was just, yeah, there's been so much I could sit here all day and tell you all those stories, but yeah, that's good. Well, good. Well, I know you have notes in front of you and you recently dealt with a brain injury that the enemy's trying to get you to forget your story, right? Which is why it's so important that we share it because why is he fighting so hard for you to forget the things that happened to you? So let's share that story with people so that they can heal. And so we can tell the enemy what we think about his plans, right? There you go. Sorry, dude. So, Faye, why don't you tell me a little bit about your life? Oh, okay.

All right. I hope you're ready. Seatbelts on, right? All right. You know, my mom passed away in 2015. When she did, it was kind of like everything broke in me. It was like all this stuff from my past just welled up. And that was when I got together with a friend that I knew was involved in Celebrate Recovery. And so I started going. I had no clue what was going on with me. I thought it was just grief over my mom, but found out it was so much more, which literally had taken me to the brink of suicide. I had thought about it and planned it. And each day I would ask God, don't let me do it. Bring something to me that says, you don't need to do this. And he was so faithful. And then he brought me together with Pam, who got me to go to Celebrate Recovery. And I found out that I really do have a reason to live. And so blessed. And that was nine years ago. It seems like it was just that little bit of time, but it seems like such a long time. But as a result of looking at the notes and the stuff that I had come up with, I recognized all the different things that had been brought against me. And as I think about it today, I realized that God had put something big in me. And the enemy has been working since I was a baby to stop it. There's been things that I have shut down and stuffed down. And I mean, I tell people it's kind of like, oh, this came along and I pushed it down. And this came along and I pushed it down. And then this came along and I just kept pushing and pushing and pushing. And then when my mom passed away, it just kind of went all over everybody and even Jack.

But, you know, he loves me. So he handled it. He prayed a lot for me. That's a wonderful husband. Yes, he is. My parents, as children, they had received trauma and they did not know how to deal with it. We didn't have CR back then. You know, so they just handled it the best that they could for my mom and dad. That included moving well away from family, having nothing to do with them and drinking. And oh, mercy, that even continued into my childhood. Well, I was maybe a month old when my dad took me to the local bar, you know, and so all through elementary school, we spent weekends. It's like every time. you know, that I was off from school. We were at the bar. And of course I did, I did have a singing career there. These boots are made for walking. And that's just, anyway. And I'm going to just gloss, not gloss, but I'm going to go through some of these quick because there's a lot. When I was in second grade, this boy on the replacement bus that I was on showed me his middle finger. I had no clue what that was. I didn't think it was a howdy, but you know, I was like, okay, but everybody's laughing. So I'm like, okay, I can do that too. And I held up my middle finger. No, no, no. I got sent to the principal's office. Bubba went home. I got to go. And my parents were called. They came down to the office and neither one of them would believe me that I had not known what that meant. And so I just felt, I mean, I felt like I was not known. And so there was that. There was a time in Kissimmee when we went fishing. After a day of my parents and their two friends drowning beer one after another, we went out on the lake in a boat. And I was petrified because the lake had been drawn down. And as we would go various places, the motor would get into the mud and we couldn't go anywhere. And I'm freaking out. Nobody notices. None of the adults noticed or cared, whatever. So, you know, I just sat on the very back seat and prayed. My dad would get out to try to move the boat off of a sandbar and he'd fall. And I was terrified that he was going to drown.

When I was 12, we went to the pool party that some friends of mom and dad's had. And, you know, I had on my bathing suit. I had my towel. I was so excited. I couldn't stand it. And we get there and the lady of the house came out and she was like, you know, it's like, I'm here. Mom and dad are right here. And I could hear her. And she's like, she's not invited. And so mom and dad were like, well, what are we going to do with her? And so she said, well, we have a little TV in the garage. She can watch that. And I'm like, you could have taken me home, you know, but we didn't do that. And as a result of me being there, I was touched in inappropriate ways. And, you know, I had thought about how they had reacted to the word that I did not know, but said, and I was like, they won't believe me about this either. So I didn't tell them. I hid that all of my life. Oh, and then there was that bully on the school bus. When we first moved to Kissimmee, jerk of the highest order called me everything but a girl. One of the favorite ones that he used was if I had a dog that looked like you, I'd shave his backside and make him walk backwards. You know, what do you do with that as a fifth grader? You had a lot of, you felt very unloved. Very much unseen. Very much or seen and not liked. Right. At 15, I learned that my dad had lied to mom and me all of our lives, you know, throughout their entire relationship through my childhood. He had told us that he had been married or he had told us that he had grown up in North Florida. He didn't say anything about having kids, you know, none of that. But we found out that he had been married to a woman to actually two women, that he had a son from the first marriage. And he had was born and raised in Iowa, not North Florida. You know, so it's like this person that I'm supposed to be able to trust. Right. You don't know who to trust. Right. You know, it's like my whole world was shattered at that point. Well, there was that time on a New Year's Eve that I was invited to a party. I was so excited.

I was accepted. It was going to be awesome. Except when I got there, the only person there was me, which set me up for a rape. And, you know, I left. I was so ashamed. I mean, yeah, we won't go into that deeply. There was that time then when I was 21. I was hanging out at mom and dad's house. Phone rang and I answered it. And. The lady on the other end was like, is this Roberta? And I said, well, it's her daughter. And she said, well, I just wanted to let you know that their marriage certificate. And I said, their what? She's like, oh, well, you know, they got married this morning. And I was like, no, I didn't know. Well, I'm thinking in my head, no, I didn't know that. I was like, oh, okay. And she said, well, yeah, we'll just send their marriage certificate to them because so they don't have to drive back over here. It was like a 30 minute drive. And, you know, it hit me. My parents had not been married when I was born. And all my life, my dad had talked about all these people that just shack up. And I'm like, that's what you've been doing for 25 years.

You know, and it yet again, shocked me. Right. Yeah. It's kind of like all this, the other stuff had healed some. Right. And then this. Right. That lack of trust again. Absolutely. My first husband, it was maybe a week after we'd gotten married. And he looked me in the eye and he said, if you ever get as fat as your mama, I'll divorce you in a heartbeat. Well, that was a good way to start a marriage, you know? And apparently something had happened because he had two different girlfriends that I know of. Might've been more. I don't know. And throughout the 12 years we were married, there was all sorts of verbal abuse. At the end, there was physical abuse that happens. You know, it progresses. So it's a cycle of not being loved, not being able to trust the person that you should trust. It's happening over and over again. It sounds like. Yeah, completely. Completely.

So, and those are highlights. There's also the point where our youngest son became an addict. He's still living in that addiction. We've tried time and time again. And then we've done the thing now where we've just let go and we just pray. Yeah. Just pray. Like that's the lowest thing you can do, right? We just pray. My mother had developed Alzheimer's disease and we lived through that. There's other things, but that's like the highlights. So at what point did something change? I would have to say that it was the point where I decided to go to Celebrate Recovery and to hand all of that stuff over to the Lord. I think there's also the point where at 12, I had accepted Christ, but I had accepted Christ as this, what was it? He was a taskmaster. That was what I saw when I was 12 years old. Then when I hit the brokenness with all of this stuff, I realized that He wasn't requiring anything of me other than to share with Him what was breaking my heart. And when I did that, I found out that He just enveloped me with His love and He just kept loving me and kept loving me.

And I was like, well, I should be. And He's like, hang on, I got you. So, yeah. That's beautiful. That was nine years ago. How's your life different today now that you've discovered the real character of God? I have a voice that He gave me to give to others. I learned that He gifted me to see the difference between truth and lie. He has given me the ability to speak truth. We're still working on that when we're not supposed to speak it out. But, you know, and He did show me, you know, that it's not a matter of, I'm supposed to call you out. I'm supposed to see when there's an opportunity to speak truth into your life. You know, and that's for anybody. It's interesting that the enemy attacked you with trusting people and feeling unloved. And now the Lord is using you to speak truth in love, right? Like the very thing that he attacked growing up is how the Lord is using your voice today. Yeah, that's really cool. Yeah. Preparation, you know, and it's like, it was a long schooling. Apparently, I didn't learn it very quickly. Wow. Well, that's, that's amazing. So there's a lot of people who are broken, a lot of people who've been through abuse, a lot of people who are surrounded by people that they can't

trust. But I think even more than that, there's so many people feeling unloved and unwanted, right? So you've been there and you've now been shown how wanted and loved you are. So what could you say to these people? What advice could you give them that would help them recognize that same thing? Ask Him. Ask Him to show you. I mean, and just be blatant, be brazen about it. It's like, Lord, I'm not sure that you love me. Show me. And if you don't see it that day, ask for it again. Keep asking, keep asking because when you keep asking, He's going to show you. He's going to give you that which you're asking for. But that would be the biggest thing. Taking this inventory, this look back and seeing where each of these things happened, you know, and what you felt, you know, it's basically step four. I was just going to explain that like that at Celebrate Recovery, you take inventory, but there's two pieces to that, right? Or more, but looking at all the trials that you went through, but then also looking at all the blessings too is really important. And you know, when I did my inventory, I looked at, you know, this happened with mom and dad and this is what I felt. And, you know, the ultimate in all of that is to be able to speak to them. Well, mom and dad had already passed by, you know, but well, mom had passed, dad was still alive. And I asked my mentors, should I share this with dad? And they're like, is he able to hear it? You know, he was 93, 92, 93 at the time, and he had just lost his wife. And I'm like, probably not. And so they said, well, let's figure out a different way. You just keep loving him. And so there was him and there was the guy at the pool party and the guy from the bus had already died. And, you know, there were these different ones. And what I did was I wrote letters to them. And I mean, I ripped it out. It's like, this is what you did. This is how it felt to me. And then at the very end, I said, I forgive you. And Jack built a fire in our chimney out on the front port. And I would read through all of that. And I mean, heartfelt, heartfelt. And I'd get to that end and I'd say, I forgive you. And I took that piece of paper and I put it in the fire. And I waited because I'm like, I'm watching that thing burn up, twist up. And then the smoke is just rising. And I'm like, okay, that one's done. You know, and then I took the next one and I did the same thing. And I have to tell you today where I'm at. I have to have notes because I don't remember it. I don't remember all of the feelings and stuff that I had. Yes. Because that's what God does when he heals. Yes. Right. You know, I love being able to tell my story because

I know it will connect with people, but I have to have notes. That's one of those ways that the enemy meant for evil and God turned it for good. The enemy is trying to steal your memory, but God says, well, what I'm going to allow him to take away is the memory of how painful that was. That's beautiful. Yeah. That's beautiful. So that's really, really good advice to the write it down, get it out and then let it go. Like that's part of that healing process. So that's really good. We've talked a lot today about love and feeling unloved and the cycle that you were in, but then experiencing the love of God for the first time and knowing what true love looks like. So I think today in society, we throw that word love around and we don't fully grasp what true love is. So can you talk for a minute about what love used to look like to you or what you thought love was? And then now that you know, true love, what it, what it actually is, right. You know, in the, the original languages that are in the Bible, we hear of three base, three differences of love. One of those is the physical sexual love. One is the friendship love. And the other is the unrelenting love that is like God. And the sexual stuff, I got that, the aberration of it from a very young age. Then the, you know, you love your friends, you care about your parents, you know, all of that. And, you know, so that was there. But until I, until I was much older, I did not understand. I had heard it, you know, the acape, love of God. I'd heard about it. I was like, man, that would be so cool. And never experienced it until I went through this, never. So what does that look like? Let me read what I wrote. Love doesn't hurt. Love doesn't lie. Love doesn't cover up wrongs. It helps you deal with them. Love warns others to avoid these traps.

So like when I share this, I can help people see, oh, okay, that's not, let's do this instead. You know, shows a different way. Love sees wrongs happening and works to stop them. That was something, yeah, that's a big thing to learn. And first Corinthians 13, four through seven says, love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. And I want to speak this too. When I burned up those letters, I thought that I would never forget what had happened to me. I would never forget those feelings or whatever. But now, you know, it's like the forgiveness meant that I didn't have to keep up with what happened. You know, it's like I erased it off the board. It was gone. And so I didn't have to hold on to the crap in my brain. And I began to forget. And at first it was the pain that went away. And then as the years have gone on, the pain, period, went away. And the memories of that pain went away. And now I love saying this. I'm free. Yes. Amen. I am free. That's amazing. Yeah.

You know, when I look back at it, I'm like, well, it's only been nine years, but that nine years has been so amazing. Nine years of walking with the Lord. Yeah. He healed you in an instant. Yes. What took a lifetime of pain, he can heal in a moment. Right. It's just amazing. Yeah. Wow. Faye, I'm so grateful for you. I know this wasn't the easiest for you, but it's such a blessing that you're able to write all that down and share that with us and share your story because I know that there's a lot of people out there who are going to see where you were and feel like that was them and then see how you've overcome. And now they're going to have the hope that they can overcome. I love that. Yeah. So thank you for sharing your story. Absolutely. You're such a blessing. Thank you. Wasn't that a beautiful story? Do you know what it feels like to be seen but not liked? I want you to know that you are not only liked, but you are loved by your heavenly father. If you deal with bitterness or unforgiveness towards someone, take Faye's advice and find a way to forgive them and move past the situation for your own freedom. The place you might be able to do that could be Celebrate Recovery like it was for her. Celebrate Recovery is a fantastic program that is not just for those who struggle with

drugs and alcohol. It's for anyone who deals with fear, anxiety, codependency, divorce, pride, guilt, insecurity, abuse, grief, and so much more. The people you meet there will become your support group and will walk with you through your pain. Join us next week to hear another encouraging story and be sure to subscribe or follow so you never miss an episode. Most importantly, I pray you know that no matter how far you or someone you love have run from God, it is never too late. There is always hope because you are loved.