Escaping Violence & Finding Jesus | You Are Loved

My name is Misty and I am a grateful believer in Jesus. I celebrate recovery from childhood, sexual, physical, mental abuse, domestic violence, pill addiction, addiction to drugs, alcoholism. I struggled with sexual integrity and homelessness and I now celebrate recovery from public speaking. (laughs) - Thank you for joining us today. - Thanks for having me. - And I know you, this is not the first time. Like you said, you got to publicly share your story recently, but I'm grateful that you're willing to share it with us today. - Thank you. - So tell me a little bit of your story. - Well, my story starts out like, you know, most people in most addicts do. Started out with my childhood. I was sexually abused from the time I could remember and this abuse lasted for many years. What that caused was, what it taught me was how to put on a mask, how to hide, how to isolate. And with my innocence taking so long, it took away my self-worth. It started depression and I started self-harming. This lasted, you know, up through until I was an adult. - Wow. Wow. Tell me about some of your most challenging years.

- My most challenging years, I believe, was after I became an adult, 'cause I had a lot of unhealed trauma. And I tried to mask that pain and tried to feel that void that I had by, you know, partying. It started off easy, you know, like most people, alcohol. A lot of people like to say it's a gateway drug and people argue that, but I am one of the people who do believe that because it did start out with alcohol. And from that point, you know, I was introduced to marijuana, like a lot of people, you know, will start going down that hill. And then the next thing you know, I mean, you know, I'm going to clubs and things and I start meeting people who start introducing me to harder stuff, like, you know, ecstasy, cocaine, that sort of stuff. I end up meeting a man who introduces me to meth. And this is my first go-around with it. And from that point, I ended up in a pretty hard addiction and that was the first time in my life that I lost everything. The first time that I became homeless, first time I lost my job and I was under the age of 21. So that was my first experience with it. Of course, at that point, I realized that, and that was also the first time I ever experienced domestic violence. When I saw how bad it broke my dad's heart,

that was the first time that I was like, you know what, I can't do this. You know, I can't hurt my family like that. So at that point is when I, you know, decided to stop with the hard stuff. I still drank, but I laid down that part of my love. And then that's when I'm at my oldest son's father. And unfortunately, you know, from my childhood, I had a problem with seeking validation in man. So, you know, when he came along, I thought things were great. And I ended up getting pregnant with my son pretty soon after we got together. And at that point, you know, it was probably the first time in my adult life that I decided, you know what, I'm not gonna do anything 'cause I don't wanna bring my baby through that. So I stopped everything and focused on, you know, my baby. And we fought a lot because of it, you know, 'cause he still wanted to live that lifestyle, but I didn't. And since that happened, the fods started getting more and more until the point that it got physical. And at one point, we, while I was, because we thought we had lost my son over one of the physical altercations. And when my son was about six months old, I decided, well, I found a job that I really wanted. You know, it was a good job.

I hadn't had one of those before. So I wanted to go for this job. And I knew it would make a big difference for me and my son. But unfortunately, the day before the interview, I got beat up. So I wasn't able to go to the interview because, you know, I had bruises on me. And of course I didn't tell the job that, but they were so nice and they were like, you know what, just come back next week. And that's what I did. But also at that point is when I said, hi, I'm not doing this, I'm not bringing my son up in this, you know, so I left him. I started that job and I got my life together. It's great. Now from that point, once I started the job, you know, I was there for several years. I met a gentleman who was an amazing person, who was good to me, good to my kids, or good to my kid at the time. We ended up buying a house. Well, I did. You know, I worked really hard and bought my first house. And things couldn't be any better. But when you live in dysfunction for so long and you have something that is good that happens,

you know, the enemy likes to get in your head. The enemy likes to tell you you're not good enough for that, that you don't deserve that. And I still had that void in my heart. I didn't know that void was because I needed God. You know, I thought it was because I needed another man. So I left him. And that's when I got with my ex-husband. Now, again, seeking validation, you know, and it was wonderful. We, on the outside, we had the most perfect marriage. Everybody knew it as being perfect. We fought some, but it wasn't drastic. It wasn't until I got pregnant. But you see, seems to be a trend. I got pregnant six months after we got together. And I, that's when the abuse started. But this time, this time was different because I didn't want to have another son that didn't have a dad. So this time I stuck it out because I thought, "Things are going to change. Things will get better." But things didn't get better. Actually, because of all the trauma I was going through, this is where my addiction to pills really started. And I was pregnant. You know, I just was trying to escape. I wasn't really realizing what it was doing. And I didn't realize that my son was also getting abused. And it wasn't until, you know, we ended up losing my house.

I left my job that I had been at for ten years to, you know, pursue my dream, which is photography. And we ended up moving to a cabin, pretty much in the middle of nowhere. And then that's where the abuse really started. And that's also when I finally seen it happening to my son. So after that happened, you know, I walked out because I had heard my son scream. And I walked out to check on him. And I had seen that my husband had him. I suspended in the air, base throat. So as a mama, I went in to save him. And he also got me. Well, I ended up, you know, I left him. But of course, you know, things will change. Everything's great. You know, and you really want to believe that. You really want to believe when someone who abuses you tells you, you know, I'm sorry, I want things to change. And you want to believe that's going to happen because you see the good in people. So I gave it another chance. And at this point I was working at a cause center, a medical center. past time of the day while I was working and it was this one that played and it was about a lady who was getting abused by her husband and her kids are the one that had a call 9-1-1 and at the time you know I say this a lot you know I don't believe in coincidence anymore I've leave in divine appointments and I felt like God put that across there for me at that moment because I needed to hear that I needed to hear what could happen if I don't get away so I met with an

advocate down at the courthouse and we talked and I decided to make a plan to get me and my kids out of there so I ended up leaving him on our anniversary which is probably not the best time to pick to leave somebody but I left and I never looked back this time I was ready for it to be done I knew I deserved better than that but you know with several several years of abuse and trauma and the pain you know I wanted to make sure my kids were taking care of so I put them into therapy but what I didn't do was put myself into therapy I needed it too but I was so concerned about my kids I wanted to make sure they were okay and they were getting professional help so what I did instead was I started trying to feel that void myself trying to escape the pain myself I started you know chasing what I say toxic relationships because that's all I knew you know I was trying to escape this is where I started getting into drugs again and I had been clean off of drugs the hard drugs at this point for about 15 years I was still you know doing I was still taking pills but from the hard drugs I stepped away for a long long time never thought I'd ever go back to something like that but when you go through that kind of trauma sometimes you know you know all it takes is one person to say hey you know let's let's escape for a little while and sometimes all it takes is just that one time for things to get started and so for you know several well it wasn't too long it was like you know several months I guess you could say I was I was chasing this lifestyle I was selling everything I had you know to feed my addiction I sold you know all my outdoor equipment and I was a big cave explorer sold all my cave equipment I sold my photography equipment I lied to my family saying that I needed help when I really didn't you know because I'd spit my money on drugs I had the money to do it because I was still working full-time a lot of people didn't know how I was because I was what you call I guess a closet addict I can a functioning addict I could still go and work a full-time job but behind closed doors I was a different person and you know I would still go out and do things with my kids we'd go kayaking I mean we'd go and to museums and we would have the most normal life during the day once we got home at night

it was a totally different story and at this point is we end up again for the second time I end up losing our house the cabin we was living in to be honest with you it was mainly because I wouldn't I was too worried about paying for my addiction then I was paying for my bills so that was the second time we became homeless and I had a friend who you know took us under her wing she didn't know you know because like I said I was good at putting on a mask I've been putting on my whole life so why not just keep that mask on and you know I mean honestly I say manipulation because you know that's that's how the devil had me and he is a master manipulator yes yes and you know one I get another job, which is a really good job. And then I run into, you know, had some traumatic things happen again, where my roommate had passed away. That was living with us before we lost a cabin. So we, this is when I got reintroduced to meth. - Okay. - So during this time period, my ex, the amazing one that I had, you know, we reunited somehow. And he gets us into this beautiful five bedroom home in severe form. This thing is massive, it's nice. I've never lived in a home like this. And I thought things were perfect again, you know, like they used to be, but now I've got two kids. But I've got, you know, someone who's gonna help me. But what I didn't realize is that he was one of the biggest dope dealers in the county. So this five bedroom house that we just got turned into being a trap house.

And that's where, you know, I started getting extremely addicted to meth at this point because you don't have to pay for it anymore. It's there and plenty, you know? But the difference is this time is my kids are living there. You know, and they're watching this and they're watching me and they're watching, you know, we're getting our doors kicked in. You know, we're getting shotguns pulled. I mean, anything that you can think of, my kids are seeing this. And then I like to say, this was my first real encounter with God. Hmm, sorry, it's hard to talk about sometimes. I overdosed. I'm not even sure how much we did that night, but I was told by the guy I was with that he had done it on purpose 'cause he wanted to open my eyes 'cause he knew me before and he didn't want to see me going down that road. So while I'm, you know, overdosing, I see a bright lot. I know that's kind of cliche to some people, but I really saw it. And I heard God in an audible voice that day and it's probably the only term I've heard it that loud and he told me, speak louder. And I was talking to him and he just kept saying, speak louder, I can't hear you. And I never really understood it until now, you know, when I'm clean and I'm getting to tell my testimony

that, you know, that even though the enemy had me down, what the enemy meant for evil God was gonna turn around for his good one day, but I didn't know it at that time, you know? So here I am, I'm in what I call a drug induced coma. I'm laying there and I can't move. And he brings my son, my oldest son in, who's 11? In the fear on my son's face, like, mom, you've got to wake up, mom, you've got to come out of it. I think that happened for a reason. I feel like God wanted that to happen in a sense because he knew my love for my kids. So a lot of times people like to think addicts don't love their kids because of the things that they do, but it's not that they don't love their kids. It's just that the addiction is so strong and so hard to break sometimes that they don't realize what they're doing to their kids. And so that day I decided, you know, hey, I'm not doing this to my kids no more. I'm not living this life. I can't let them live like this. And, you know, I got on Facebook and, you know, I tell people there was a video that came across my screen. I've played it for everybody and it's called "Your Life Is Not Over" by Trent Shelton. And the words that he said in there resonated with me so strong that I decided, you know, I played that thing on repeat while living in a trap house. I'm like, you know what? I know where I'm at,

but I know someone who's more powerful than a stroke. I know someone who can bring me out of this. And there's one part in there that resonates with me more than anything and it's sad. Which, you know, Romans 8 1 says there's no condemnation for those of you who are in Christ Jesus. - Yep. - You know, so that ended up being like my go-to, anytime that, you know, 'cause I was still living in that trap house for a few months until we got evicted. I can't tell you how many DCS cases I had opened up against me all through these times of my addiction, where I feel like it was supposed to be a wake-up call, but went listening. So, you know, we ended up losing that house. They came in and told us, right before Mother's Day, you have seven days to move. And, you know, we didn't, we didn't have the money to move right at that time. You know, a lot of people, if you get told, "Hey, you only got seven days to get out of here." You don't have the money saved up for that. So, I ended up by an attempt, and the boys at this point have been transferred from school to school to school, and I didn't want them to have to go through that again. So, it was pretty weather, and I didn't really want them to know that we were homeless. See, they're, I didn't want to scare 'em,

because those four kids have seen enough. So, we ended up by an attempt in going to living in Pissata Creek for a couple of weeks. It was on somebody's property, which we had to bathe in at Creek too, you know, before we went to school, before I went to work, I was working at a corporate office, working like my dream job. And again, they had no clue either, you know, that I was just recovering from death. And during this time, when, you know, we're going back and forth, I remember that I had went to a church, which Rio Revolution, everybody knows me, knows that that's where my heart's at. I love that place, but I remember, you know, we had went there before I had got on drugs real bad, and I remember them talking about a program called Family Promise. So, I called 'em and said, "Hey, you know, there's," I didn't tell them, unfortunately, you know, I didn't tell them everything, like, "Hey, you know, "I'm just getting off of drugs," but I did say, "Hey, you know, we are homeless, "we don't have nowhere to go." I burned so many bridges at this point, I couldn't just, you know, call my family up. So, we lived in a tent for a few weeks, and then they had a place open for us. So, we went into Family Promise.

The first day I walked through the door, there was a Bible verse that went all across the, the building on the inside, and that was the first time I ever seen Jeremiah 29.11. You know, "I know the plans that I have for you," says the Lord plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope in the future. And that was the first time I had ever seen that, and from this point forward, I'm telling you, this first popped up everywhere, and that became my life verse. That is the verse I live by. I have that everywhere. That is the one that gave me the inspiration to be where I'm at today. Tell us about where you're at today. Well, I ended up, you know, I ended up graduating that program. I was in there for a year. I went from, you know, when I was there, I had a chance to, I worked a couple of jobs in my life. I worked a couple of jobs and ended up paying everything off of my credit. Ended up raising my credit to the point of where I could buy house. It didn't necessarily happen at that point, though, because, you know, everything is on God's timing, you know? And we did end up moving into apartment at this point. Which I lived in for three years.

During this time, I had an old co-worker reach out and say, hey, you know, what do you think about going back to your old job? And then it was a job that I regretted leaving, I regretted leaving this job for many years, but I just didn't know how to go back, you know? Especially after I had been through, which they didn't know either, you know, what I had been through. But I fell out of an application and went in for an interview and then they ended up hiring me back. And it wasn't long after they hired me back. You know, I started working, like I said, several jobs again. And everybody knows that Celebrate Recovery is my family. And I had started going to Celebrate Recovery when I was in the homeless program. That's when I was first introduced to them. But I had tried so hard to get a house. I put so many bids in and it just kept falling through. And I went to Celebrate Recovery that night. And I was upset and I'm like, "I give up, I ain't doing this again." And then Ms. Sharon made me at the door and she's like, "Yes, you are." She said, "You're going to try one." She is great. She said, "You're going to try one more time." And I went home that night and I found a house. I tried the next day and they accepted my offer. Wow.

So now, you know, when he says that he will restore the years lost, you know, now I've got my job back. So now I've, you know, off and on, I've been there for 14 years. I'm making a lot more than what I made the first time around. I'm a homeowner and you know, I have peace. I have my photography job back or my photography business back. You know, I was able to get equipment. But this time, what's different from the last time that, you know, I started over, because at this point, I had been homeless three times. But this time, you know, I have that security of having a home. This time, I have my Celebrate Recovery family who support me and is always there for me. And they have went above and beyond to help me. It holds you accountable. And hold me accountable. Boy, do they do that. It's important. It is very important. Now I just went through 12 steps last year. Awesome. To be honest with you, I was a little upset with myself because I wished I would have done it sooner. But you did it. But I did it. You know, I'd, like I said, I'd been going to Celebrate Recovery for a long time, but I didn't realize the importance of going through 12 steps and of getting a sponsor and of getting, you know, getting the accountability team, you know, by being able to be in a share group and taking off your mask, you know, the mask I was so good at hiding behind, you know, and being vulnerable with people and confessing your sins to people. And you know, James 516 says, you know, confess your sins one to another, you know, because sometimes you have to confess it to heal it if you want to really get that healing.

So you, you've said several times you've talked about the mask. Yes. And I think that's a, that's a common problem is we put this fake mask on that just we want the world to think everything's perfect and everything's good when inside we're broken. Agreed. And so my question would be there's going to be people watching this video hearing your story thinking about their own mask and this own pretense that they put on because they want everyone to think that they're okay. But they're not. What would you, what would you say to them? One of my favorite things to say is something I got from that video and it's okay to not be okay, you know. He says, you know, broken crowns still color the same and it's, it's true. You know, everybody's broken in some way, you know, and God still loves us where we are. He loves the broken. That's the people that he uses, you know, he, he doesn't expect you to be perfect. You know, he wants you to come as you are. Yes. And I mean, he don't want to leave you there, but he wants you to come to him as you are. So, you know, it's, I personally think if you keep that mask up and you just make everybody think, you know, you're okay and everything's great, you know, you're, you're not going to get the healing that you need because if you tell someone and you've put that mask down and you're, you're vulnerable about it saying, Hey, you know, I've got a problem or I've got problems. I need help. I need somebody to pray for me. You know, that's, that's how you can, that's how you get your healing. That's awesome. I love. I love, I don't love that, that you were homeless three times, but I love that now you

have overcome that, you have put all of that behind you and you're doing so well. And that is awesome. One of the other things that you said was you were seeking validation. I think it was the word that you, you, you were, you were, it sounds like you just - Yes. - Right. - You just wanted to feel loved and it's shocking when I go into the jails and when I go into programs and stuff, how often I hear people say I just wish I was loved. We have a natural instinct to desire to be loved, right? But we look for that love in the world, right? And that's very unsatisfying. But I like to talk about love because I think these people who are desiring love often don't know what real love looks like. So they're looking in the wrong places because they don't know what real love is. So can you just talk for a minute about what you thought love was and what you were searching for? But compare that to now that you know what real genuine love is, how it's different. The way that I used to be loved. Was seeking someone's approval. What someone thought of me. You know, that's really how I base my worth. So I thought love was, you know, what someone could give me. How much attention they showed me. You know, and I looked in all the wrong places for that.

You know, and when I say validations because that's, you know, that's where I thought that my worth was based on is who loved me, you know, who, what I could give them to make them like me more. You know, anything that I could do to seek that approval from man. And I don't mean just men, I mean, man in general. You know, going, you know, trying to go above and beyond just to get somebody's approval. I mean, in all honesty, the whole town, all I needed was God's approval, which I already had, but I didn't realize that at the time. And now the way that I look at real genuine love, you know, like God's love, it's not what I can get from somebody else. Now it's what I can do for somebody else so that they can see the love of Jesus, you know. It's, you know, helping your neighbor. It's helping those that are not as fortunate as you are. It's, you know, going beside those that are, that are struggling and giving them an encouraging word, you know, it's praying over them, you know. It's supporting them. And I look at, you know, love from what my CR family has showed me, you know, being by their side at their darkest moments because, you know, when I first went in there, I was broken. I mean, broken. And they came along beside me, you know, and just put their arm around me and just lifted me up.

They spoke life over me. That's, you know, and that's how, that's what love is. Love is, you know, someone that shows up for you unconditionally, no matter what you can do for them, you know. Love is also learning to forgive, learning to, you know, forgive others because when you hold onto that unforgiveness, you know, it just, it pulls into you. But the most important one is learning how to forgive yourself and to truly love yourself. To look at yourself like God sees you. - Yes. - And sometimes, you know, from someone who has been through addiction, someone who has been abused, you know, they, it's harder for them to see. But once they can see, you know, how much God loves them, you know, it changes everything. - Yeah, that's beautiful. I sometimes tell women, if Jesus can forgive you, what makes your opinion of yourself higher than his, right? - Eggman, that's good, that is good. - Yeah, wow, well, your story is amazing. I know that's not easy to open up and share about the things that you went through and the choices that you made and the hard times. So we appreciate you being willing to open up and be vulnerable because I know there's people out there who are feeling lost, who are feeling broken, who are in difficult situation that need to hear that you are, you have found that love Thank you for having me. Yeah