Jesus kept chasing me and HE WON! | You Are Loved

- Well, my name's Tanya Merriman, and I've had three or four other names in this Blunt County area. I originally was born in Georgia, but my daddy was a truck driver. So we come to Merriville when I was like two weeks old. So I enjoy telling people during football season, especially that I was born in Georgia, because I like to root for the Georgia Bulldogs along with the Tennessee volunteers, but it doesn't really qualify. I was only down there for two weeks. So I'm a Tennessee native, and I graduated William Blunt High School here local. And have always been kind of well known by my personality, my loudness, my mouth. I was voted most talkative and biggest comedian in high school. So sometimes I'd think that that wasn't a good thing, but other times I'd realized that it was okay. But I had a wonderful, wonderful childhood. My parents are not living anymore, but they were some of the best. And I was pretty much raised as an only child. We lived in the Blunt County area my entire life. And my dad worked at TVA and mom didn't really work. She had a lot of nervous issues. She had some abuse in her past. And she had a lot of mental illness. And honestly, back then,

I didn't really think mental illness was real. I thought that she was just playing at the card, to get sympathy and stuff. And her and I didn't have a really, really good relationship. I did not have a good mother-daughter, best friend kind of relationship. I tolerated her and she worshipped the ground I walked on. And I was a little spoiled. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. So growing up, I just had a, I lived by the seed of your pants kind of life. I just did everything, played a lot of sports. Loved softball. Softball was one of my most favorite things that I ever did. And devoted a lot of time to eat. I never really had a whole lot of boyfriends. Probably the most fun that I had in my life was playing ball because I was part of a team. And I felt, you know, looking back now, I felt like I had purpose when I was playing softball. And never really wanted to be a mom. That was the weird thing. Never really wanted to be a mom. I was self-indulged, for sure. Now that I look back and think about it, very selfish person, but I was spoiled. And I think now that I have kids of my own, I think that's kind of what caused it. Mom and Dad didn't realize, even though they were giving me everything I wanted,

they were probably hurting me in the same aspect because I was very selfish. But I did come to know Jesus early in my life. I was 12 and I got baptized. I was saved and I attended a little small tiny church. We barely had 35, 38 members and went to church every single Sunday and Wednesday, sometimes not by choice, but I was a teenager. So Mom and Dad was like, you're gonna go to church. And the weird thing about it was, is Mom and Dad never were in church themselves until I started wanting to go with a girlfriend. And I fell in love with, you know, just the atmosphere. And I felt like a team, kind of like with the softball deal, I guess, you know, I had a lot of friends there. And I just want, I kept saying, Mom, Dad, you need to come to church, you need to come to church. And they finally did. And when they did, they were hooked. And I didn't realize back then why they were hooked. I do now, but, so we were part of a Baptist church for, I wanna say about 10 years off and on. And during that time, I saved, I was baptized. And I truly, I truly know that I was saved. I mean, I remember the day, it was a Sunday. And I always had this little voice in my head that told me what was right and wrong. So I do know that I was saved back then, but I was selfish. I never, ever let go of the selfishness.

So with that, I got out of high school. I started drinking a little bit, going to the bars. I loved that environment. I was, I had a big personality. I've always had a big personality. So going to the bars in the nightlife, really resonated with me. And I just loved it, absolutely loved it. I thrived at the bars. But I didn't understand the evil that was part of that until I had spent quite a few years bar hopping. I don't know that I had an addiction other than cigarettes in my life because I could pick anything up and let it go other than the cigarettes. I started smoking at 14, smoked my entire life, even while I was playing softball. And the decisions that I made were mainly because I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel the center of attention. And I made a lot of bad decisions with men because of that, I had a lot of boyfriends. Even though I didn't have any through school when I got out, it was kind of like I got addicted. I won't as much say I had a sex addiction as I just had. And I let it define me as being somebody that never could be alone. And my mom would even tell me sometimes. She said, "Tanya, do you ever realize that you've never spent any time without either a boyfriend or a husband?" And looking back, I'm thinking, "No? No, I didn't really realize that." But during that time, I was always away from God, obviously. And

I heard the little voice in my head that would say, "Don't do that." Some of the decisions that I would make, if I would make a decision to spend the night with somebody that I didn't know that long or one night stands for God help us. Looking back, there was a lot of times that I probably could have ended up dead with some kind of horrible disease, something like that by decisions that I was making. And God was always with me. And I know he was. I mean, I definitely know he was looking back now, but I didn't choose him. I wouldn't choose him at all. That's not the way to be. But I had a wonderful life. I've always had a wonderful life. But like I said, the addiction into things was really just nicotine. And I was able to give up nicotine later on in my life when I began a relationship with Jesus. But I never thought I would ever quit smoking. I loved smoking. So I can understand where people come from sometimes when they've been addicted to different substances or even alcoholism because if it's something that gives you comfort and like I said, I was always sort of the life of the party. And if I didn't have the life of the party, it was like I was anxious. It was like I was my mom called it hypertension. She said I always had hypertension. I'm assuming now looking back that it was anxiety that I was always dealing with. I had to be busy doing something. And that's where the not life come into play because I'd get off work. I never had a problem working, started working early in my life. Daddy taught me, you know, you're going to have to have some money if you want to have some fun. Mom would say you have champagne taste with a beer pocketbook. So you need to work extra so that you can get money. I guess what motivates the world. But I was just so lost and I didn't realize how lost I was. You know, back then when I was making those kind of decisions and going by the seat of my pants. So how did you discover that you were lost? What changed to stop that lifestyle and get you to the one you have today? My mom died. My dad had cancer. And we knew he had cancer. And he suffered for two or three years. But when he passed away, even though I was away from the Lord, I knew he was with the Lord. So it gave me comfort. I continued doing my life. I was, I had my mom to deal with all by myself. And like I told you before, we didn't have a great relationship. But the last thing my dad said on his death bed was you got to take care of your mama. And I said, I will daddy. So I wasn't going to let that excuse me. Sorry. I wasn't going to let that get in the way. It may not like her in a sense or not believe in that she had a mental disorder. I wasn't going to let

that get in the way. I was going to take care of her. So she lived 13 more years. And it was a tumultuous 13 years. Very tumultuous. She would call me at two o'clock in the morning sometimes and I'd have to calm her down just because she had depression, manic depression. And when daddy passed away, it got even worse. But I remember the phone call. I got it work. I've worked at Bevco my entire life, not a shout out for Bevco. It's just Bevco actually has done a lot in my life as well because the man that owns it has been like a second dad to me. He's always sort of been there when I needed something financially. And when I thought that that's what it took to make the world go around. But I got the phone call at work and they couldn't wake my mom up. She had a man that was staying with her and he couldn't wake her up. And I figured it was just like, you know, normal. She took too much mad. She was droopy or something. I went rushing down there and sure enough she was dead in her bed on her face. I never went through anything like that. I lost a child when I was 18 years old. I got pregnant by accident. And I lost to Peyton when she was three months old. So I had went through death in a rough way. But I had my mom dad with me at that time. So to me, it was just like an everyday experience of I didn't deserve this child. You know, I was living in a worldly life. I got pregnant with her. I didn't necessarily want her. So God took her away. I'll never forget saying those words. God took her away. And later on in life, I've realized something different about that. But when mom died, I got into a depression. Actually, it's so crazy how things work. Looking back because the Lord, I guess, knew what he was doing when well, he I actually felt what my mom felt all that time, you know? And I thought, wow. And I wasn't compassionate to her whatsoever. You know, I was mean, actually. So I went, I got depressed. And during those three, four months of depression, my husband, my wonderful husband, we've been married 16 years in February. And he is husband number five. I got married quite a few times, you know,

making bad decisions back then. And none of them really stuck. You know, I got, I got pregnant here and there. So I thought I was supposed to get married and I wasn't in love. I didn't know what love was. But Brian, my husband has been wonderful and he got diagnosed with melanoma stage four. And I was facing losing him. And I'm thinking, wow, Tanya, you know, you've known the Lord your entire life, but you need to wake the heck up. You're going to have to figure something out, you know? So I actually reached out to an ex-husband that went to Revolution Church. And I had heard about Revolution Church from Gina Brewer. We played softball together with our girls. And I knew about that, you know, knew the heparleys and stuff and knew what they stood for, that they were phenomenal people. And so I reached out to Charlie and I said, you know, Brian's dying evidently with stage four melanoma. They're going to do some surgery and it's in his lymph nodes. And they're going to try to get it all. But, you know, I would just appreciate prayers and Charlie. I don't feel worthy of prayers. You know, God's not going to listen to me. I've turned my back on him all these years and I hadn't worried about him. So will you pray for it? And Charlie actually called me back a year, a week later.

And he said, I went up, you know, at the church meeting and had the elders. I don't want me with all. They laid their hands on me and I stood in Brian's place while we prayed for healing. And there was one of the elders that has the gift of healing. So you let me know, you know how everything goes. I thought that man was crazy. I'm like, what is he talking about? And I'd never heard of that in the Baptist church. You know, they talked about healing, but not laying hands on you or anything. Well, we went to the appointment. I think it was about four or five weeks after that. The surgery was over and we went back for the follow up and everything that they took out of Brian's arm and his lymph nodes and everything underneath here where the melanoma was, all been on. You can't tell me, sitting here today, you can't tell me that God didn't say, okay, Tonya, I'm gonna give you another shot, you know, and that's kind of what I was thinking in my mind. I'm like, you know, I know him and I've always tried to do what's right, but that wasn't good enough. So April 21st, 2019, it was Easter Sunday. I told Charlie the night before I said, I owe you big time for helping my husband and we're gonna come to church tomorrow. I said, angels wanting to come, my daughter,

my son that I had with Charlie, we're all coming to church tomorrow, you know? And a little did I know that the Lord had a different plan. I thought I was thinking Charlie for praying over my husband. God knew what he was doing because that day I came to church, my daughter was saved. Angel was saved in the service that morning and pastry didn't know me from Adam and I went up there and pulled him off the stage. I said, my daughter wants to be saved, you know, and I'd been what I, you know, at that time, thought was a bad mom, I hadn't took her to church or anything, I had never introduced her to God and we have a responsibility to do that and I had not done that. So for her to get saved that day was nothing short of a miracle. So I knew then I had to come back to church, you know? I was obligated, I had to, it wasn't a decision that I could make lightly. So we left there today, I was on that day, I was on cloud nine. Me and Brian talked, I'm like, I guess probably need to go back, you know? And so even at that point, you know, all those wonderful things that God was doing in my life, I still running from him, still running from him. I didn't want to commit, I didn't want to give up my lifestyle, we were going to, we were going to karaoke on Friday nights, having a good time, we'd have a few beers,

you know, and enjoy ourselves and then we were going to go to church on Sunday morning. And what was so crazy is Tim Jarvis, we went through Connect and Tim Jarvis said, I got somebody y'all on to me. He said, we've got a guy that does a motorcycle ministry, you know, small group, small group, what are you talking about? And I've never heard of small groups and I said, what's small group mean anyway? And he said, well, he said, you know, this is a big church and I said, tell me about it. I said, this church is too big for me, I have always went to a small church, I am not comfortable here. And I'm in the middle of Connect and I mean, I'm being devil's advocate and I'm telling them, you know, I appreciate what's going on here, I love the people, but this is just not for me. I don't think that I'm, you know, we're going to make this a long, long thing. And so he introduced me to what I call now my mentor because I have been in his small group for five years. And that small group changed my life, it really did. I went in there on a Friday. drinking Friday night. Of course it was. And so me and Brian are sitting there and we're, we talk after we leave the small group and he's like, I don't really want to quit going up there. You know, and I'm like, I don't either. But this is the only small group they've got. And I mean, I don't know, something's just telling me we ought to give it our all and see what can happen. And it was just so

crazy. Each Friday night, how many chains would break off of everything. The first discipleship book that we did was called living in freedom every day. And I did not know what freedom I was missing. I had no idea until and I'm, it's sad to say that I was saved and baptized and went to church for 10 years and only burst. I could quote was John 3 16 because my daddy sang it in a, in a song that they sang. I had no ideas about scripture. I had no ideas about stories in the Bible. I mean, it's sad. I went to vacation Bible school and I didn't learn anything other than the crafts. It was something that I just wasn't interested in, I guess. And, but I've always been his. I've always been chosen from the very beginning. I just ran and ran and ran until finally that night. August, let's see it. August, April 21st is when we went to revolution on Easter, August 19th, 2019, which is six months later, sitting at Corky's table. He looked at me and he said, how does a person know that they're, that they're, they have a need to be saved if they don't know that they're lost? And that kind of stuck to me because even though I didn't in a sense feel as though I was lost because I'd always known Jesus, but I was running from Jesus. And, and, and I know anything about a relationship. I always was raised in Hellfire and Brimstone. You know, you do this, this and this, you're dying and going to Hell. And they taught us what saved, always saved. So part of me kind of felt like when I got saved, I was good. You know, I don't have to worry about anything. I pray to pay. I remember actually sitting here talking to you, it comes to me. I used to say, I got a lot of stuff to pay for when I get there, but I know I'm going to have that. Mm-hmm. Boy, I tell you what I'd like to go back and slap myself in time right now by saying that. But yeah, sitting there at Corky's table that night, I said, you know what? I said, tonight's the night. That's it. I'm done. I'm absolutely done. I am going to follow you. I'm going to stay right beside you. If you will forgive me for telling you all these years that I could do it on my own and I figured it out on my own, I promise you, I'll never leave you again. And I've kept that promise and I promise to keep that promise from now on. But the things that God has done in my life since that point at that table has been nothing short of a miracle. I have stopped

smoking for years, January 1st, which is unbelievable because like I told you, the selfish me wanted to smoke. I loved to smoke. Everybody that knows me would tell you, Todd, he was never going to quit smoking. You know, my mom and dad smoked. It was, it was just, and I even have friends now that are part of my, you know, small group that we do discipleship with the pastor's book now. There's, they struggle with, with nicotine addiction. And they ask me all the time, you know, how in the world did you, you know, do that? And I said, I'd love to give you an explanation, but I can't really give you an explanation. Other than I said to God, I'm ready. I, I think a lot of people say to the Lord, will you take it from me? They don't realize that they need to give it to him. They need to overcome it in his name, you know, glorify him and what they're doing. And I never understood that. I was one of those people that had no clue. I had no clue about mental illness. I had no clue about depression. I didn't, you know, I thought I had it all figured out. I was the life of the party, but I was dying inside and did not even realize that I was dying inside until the Lord said, you know, you are mine and I can do so much through you. And to be chosen to, to do the things that I'm doing today, um, you know, full circle back. I've been at Revolution Church now six years this next April. Um, the ministries I started out in is not what I'm doing anymore because I chose them from a selfish place. God is who actually chose the jail ministry. God chose special needs. Um, it's changed my life. It's absolutely and completely changed my life. Um, and I have, I have a piece that I can't explain where before I would lay down at night and, um, I'd feel guilty. I would think, you know, you, you did this or you did that. And, and, and I always kind of felt like, you know, I didn't do enough to be seen that day. You know, I didn't do enough to, to glorify Tonya that off of me to show me that it never was about Tanya, this whole thing has never been about us. It's all about him. And when he gives us an opportunity to do that,

and just the way that I feel every day, I can't explain it. I mean, I could wake up tomorrow with no house, with no job, with no car. And I know that I am blessed. Oh my gosh, I am blessed beyond measure. But I could wake up without all that, just me and Brian, and be homeless, and honestly feel like one of the richest people in the world, because I know what I have in here now is completely different. Now do I want that? No, no, I don't want that at all. I do enjoy being blessed, because I like to-- - And it's that piece. - Yeah, and I like to share with others. That's the other thing that, when we did that book, "Living in Freedom" every day, the freedom that came with that, my exes that I had, you know, animosity towards, my husband's exes that he had animosity towards, we look at them now how Jesus sees them. They're not bad people, you know? And I want so bad for them to be in heaven with us, even though I don't like them that well, you know, for what they've done to me. I've forgiven them, and I love them, and I want them to have what I have. It is so, it's just supernatural. - So if you could speak to someone like that,

or someone that doesn't understand the relationship, like you were seeking relationships here on earth, because you didn't understand that your heavenly Father wanted an even deeper and more beautiful relationship with you. So what could you say to somebody that maybe would encourage them, or something maybe you would have liked to have heard when you were in those situations that could have maybe brought you to this a little bit sooner, or a little bit less painfully? - Yeah, I wish it could have. If I could say something to anyone that was going through what I was, it would be, you know, surrender. Be obedient. When that little still small voice is in your head saying, "You know, I love you. "I want you to be, you know, prosperous in my name." You know, the other thing, I guess, is the relationship part was never explained to me. Like I was, it was more of you do this, or you're gonna die and go to hell. And then, you know, if you choose me, you don't get all the fun that you have here on the earth. And I would like to be able to tell that young lady that this is so much more fun. It's a fun that is wholesome. It's, the way that I would encourage them is just strictly by telling them what I went through,

and please don't wait that long, because I'm 50 years old now, and I have had a relationship with Christ now nearly six years, but all the years before that, I can't even remember them sometimes now because there was just so much sadness. And I was raised in a beautiful home, given everything that I could have ever imagined have wanted. I was popular. People thought I was a nut, you know, they always, but it was in a worldly way. And now it's even better, because other Christ-like people think that I'm amazing, and that comes from a place of wholesomeness. When you know that somebody is following the Lord, there's something about the way they treat others. And I learned how to treat people. If my mama would have been able to see this version of me, but I know she knows. I know she's waiting on me, and I'm gonna see her in him both. And I have to thank both of them, because even though I pulled them into church, they transformed. They transformed by Christ, and they raised me in a life that, you know, a lot of people don't get, and I'm so thankful for that. But I would love to tell somebody that is in my shoes when they were 25 years old,

going to the bars, smoking the cigarette, sleeping with the men, thinking that other people defined them, I would love to tell them that the only definition that they need is Christ Jesus, and a hand-in-hand relationship with him, because you look at the entire world differently. You look at your enemy differently. You don't see somebody that has hurt you. Let me tell you, there's been some people that have hurt me. That's one of the things I went to jail over, was fighting. There's been a lot of people that has hurt me, and I look at them now with pity, with empathy, and I want so bad. I mean, scripture tells us, you know, you have to dust your feet and move on. I'd love to go back and just grab ahold of them and pull them into church, even feel worthy of praying to God for my husband that was going to die with melanoma that God had given to me. He tried to give me my husband when I was 18 years old and I wouldn't listen because that's when I first met him. But he circled back around after his divorce and we got together then and to watch him through the eyes of Christ has been nothing sort of a miracle because Brian was, he was troubled, you know, too. And that young couple that's sitting at the restaurant listening to the karaoke and drinking their few beers that doesn't want to go to a small group, I'd like to tell them just try it. Just try it. Let the Holy Spirit take control and you'll be surprised what the reward is because the reward is here. I guess a lot of people say, you know, lay up my treasures in heaven. God wants us to have a prosperous life here and that's something that I never understood either. I thought, like I said, you have to give up, you know, the worldly lifestyle if you want to walk with Christ. No, you don't. The worldly lifestyle is wonderful here because he wants us to have exceedingly abundantly more than we could ever ask, think, or imagine. And I am

living proof of that. Romans 12 to change my life, be not conformed to this world, but transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you are aware of God's good, acceptable, perfect will. Sorry, I probably translated that last part a little bit different, but that would change my life. It did. And I found that at the small group. It was at that table that I found out Romans 12 to one of the very first things that the lady said to me was, have you ever read Romans 12 to? No, didn't know anything in the Bible other than John 3 16, but that's enough. I mean, it really truly is enough. But I've learned so much more. That's awesome. So one question I really love to ask, and I'm especially hearing your story. I think that you're going to have such a good take on this, but we live in this world and we have this one word for love, right? And love, we think we can define love and what love looks like and what love sounds like and how we give love and receive love. But then you experience the radical love of Jesus Christ and it completely changes your definition and understanding. And so I just wondered if you could just talk for a second on what you thought love was, but now how you would define love compared to back then. Love. That's a big one. You know, all the kids back in the day, they don't want to tell another person they love each other because it's so big. But what I thought love was back then was men relationships that if I didn't have somebody that told me they loved me, whether they did or not, that I wasn't doing any good, I thought I thought that I learned love when I gave birth to my children because that is a love that you will never ever, you know, be able to explain. But the agape love that I was taught at the table at my small group, which I never knew what agape was either. And it's so crazy that our special needs ministry is agape. That love is something that wraps around your entire body. It keeps you warm when you're cold. It keeps you happy when you're sad. You can see you can see the good and bad things. I mean, if I have to park at the end of the parking lot at Walmart and walk and I do not like to exercise that much, I can see the good in it because if I parked up front, somebody might have hit my car, you know, and I'm thinking, okay, Lord, you put me all the way back there in the back to keep me from, you know, getting hit up front. But back then in the world, love was just an emotion. And I think with God, with Jesus Christ, that love is so much more than emotion. It's a way of life. It's a way that you get up in the morning and you decide if you're going to, you know, go with the demons or you're going to go with the angels. And when you have that love that you realize what Jesus did for us on the cross,

what he went through, and you think, you know, could you do that for another person when you get to that point where you can actually answer that and say, God help us. I hope nobody has to go through what Jesus went through. But if I would lay my life down for another person, I would. And that is what true love is all about. And that's what Jesus did for us. And that's what God did for me because he kept chasing after me even when I didn't want him. He knew there was good in me and he seemed good in me that I didn't see that anybody else didn't see in this world besides probably my mother. And I didn't give her the benefit of the doubt, but everything happens for a reason. And I don't think that I would be, I don't think I'd be who I am today, sitting here, had I not went through all these experiences. Now, you know, we all make poor choices and I do tell even some of the ladies in the gym. It's kind of cool being on the other side and I get to say, you know Hey, I had all this resentment and I had all this hate and this anger and it actually got me put in here You know for drinking for fighting I was in here. I made bad decisions but since then, you know, I have this enormous peace and love from our father in heaven and He waited for me patiently to come back to him and he's using me and he can use you too No matter what you've went through because your nobody tells your story like you do and even though I I've always kind of felt like, you know I watch I watch some podcasts and then some things of addiction and recovery stories And I'm just I'm watching them with admiration because the only addiction I overcame was nicotine But I didn't overcome that addiction God helped me overcome that and he let me see and it's a struggle It's a struggle every addiction that you might you know deal with is a struggle, but As far as the love part I think the way that he loves us and the way that I know that I feel like I'm loved now is Definitely the way that that I get up every day and operate and I didn't do that before because it was so Artificial just not real. It's not real, but it's it's real now. It's it's real now Tiny I'm so grateful that you came and shared that and just opened up your heart and was vulnerable about your past and your Decisions and the emotions that you went through because I'm I know There's a lot of people out there that are hurting and broken and in that very spot and I have no doubt that your story It's gonna bring them hope and encouragement as they see who you are today And the way that you're living for the Lord and the fun that your hands. Oh yeah, no, it's a blast

I'm still crazy. I mean, we just we just had our women's thing though. They're not now. Oh goodness gracious. I'm still in that I told him I said, you know, I used to sing karaoke and he used to all these crazy things with my loud mouth If I was gonna use it for the world, I'm gonna use it for the Lord. That's right But yeah, I know it's um if I've always told everybody even though I didn't have this this perfect recovery kind of Situation. I know that I'm I've been recovered. I've been redeemed I've been restored to what I was always supposed to be and if it helps one person to know that you don't You're never too far gone. I mean you might have had like I said five marriages You might have had you know all these these horrible notches in your past and people know because when you live in Blunt County Blunt County is a small county and a lot of people know my reputation and That's one of the things that I really am grateful for if I have the chance to see anybody from my past and be able to tell them now What God has done in my life since August of 2019 I Hope they see the miracle. I hope they do because he definitely does miracles And they will they can't help but thank you. I thank you for asking me to do this I never would have thought I'd have got through it, but thanks for asking me. Well, thank you and you did amazing - Oh.