Moral Lesson

Hi, my name is Jenny and I'm a grateful believer and I struggle with codependency and I'm an adult child of family dysfunction. I'm really excited to be with you all tonight to talk about the moral lesson and this lesson goes along with principle four and step four so let's read those together now. Principle four says, openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. Happy are the pure in heart, Matthew 5 8. And step four says we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Let us examine our ways and test them and let us return to the Lord, Lamentations 340. So we get to start talking about inventory tonight and the moral lesson gives us the road map that we need to step into that process. Now I want to pause here for a moment and talk to anyone who might be here for the first time. I want to say welcome. We are so glad that you're here. And second, I want to encourage you that this step that we're going to be talking about tonight, this moral inventory, this is not where you're going to start. This is not your starting place. If you're here for the first time and maybe the idea of doing a moral inventory is overwhelming and you're like, yeah, I don't really want to do that. That's okay because this is not where you're going to start. This is the fourth step in a process and the steps and the principles, they're set up in a particular way on purpose. And as you walk through the first three steps, they will prepare you to eventually step into this fourth step. But if you're here for the first time, I hope that tonight's lesson encourages you that even if it feels overwhelming now, that you'll walk away encouraged that by the time you get to this step, you will have the tools that you need to do this. When I first got into recovery 10 years ago, my husband, Johnny, had already been in recovery for about 10 years.

And so I was familiar with the program because I'd heard a lot about it and I'd even heard a little bit about the fourth step. But I still had a lot of fear when I got into recovery. I remember when I walked in, I was stepping into a world that I previously wasn't a part of. They had a language that I wasn't familiar with. They had a way of doing things that I wasn't familiar with. And I remember feeling a little bit like an outsider when I first came in. And it also didn't help that when I got into recovery, I had this fear that I would do it wrong. See, I struggle with perfectionism. So this was a natural fear for me. And I have this thing where if I can't do something right, then I really don't want to do it at all. I do not like struggling to learn things. And all of these fears, they compounded when I stepped into the fourth step, when I started to do my inventory. But now I had this new fear that stepped in. I had this fear that looking back at all the pain in my life and reengaging with those emotions would be too much and it would be too hard. I didn't know if that I would be strong enough to face it all and then to write it all down. But the thing about the inventory is it is not meant to be done all at once. It's meant to be broken down. And like I said tonight, tonight's lesson is going to give us that roadmap of how to step into that, how to begin. It breaks the inventory process down a little bit because just like our recovery, our inventories are meant to be done one step at a time. Principle four and step four, these were pivotal for me in my recovery process. It was during this process of doing my moral inventory that I began to see how much of my past that I hadn't dealt with yet, that I hadn't been able to grieve.

And it was through this moral inventory that I finally began to understand how much the pain of my past was directly affecting my choices and my behaviors in the present. And I began to understand and see the why behind the choices that I was making. This fourth step is where I was really able to be completely honest for the first time about the past, about my past and also the reality of my present. In the inventory, it ended up being my favorite step in this recovery process. I truly would not have the freedom that I have today without this fourth step process. Now I'm sure all of you have probably heard this saying that you can't heal a wound that you don't know is there, that you don't acknowledge. Or you can't heal what you're not willing to feel. The fourth step, it helped me to become aware of my wounds and be able to acknowledge those wounds so that I could begin to feel them, feel my emotions, so that I could begin to heal. But like I said, we do this process one step at a time. So let's get into our acrostic for tonight. The acrostic is moral so that we can learn how to step into doing our inventories. So the first letter in moral is M and that stands for make time. The first step that we want to do when we're getting into our inventories is make time. We want to schedule time to do our inventories. We want to schedule it and stick with it. And we also want to set aside a place where we can do our inventory that is free of distractions. This is so important that it's free of distractions. And this will look different for everyone. Everybody, there is not a right or a wrong way to do this. Remember, perfection is not the goal here. It's never the goal. And if you wait for the perfect time or the perfect place to start your inventory, you'll never get started because that just doesn't exist. And actually, it might take a little bit of trial and error

for you to find the right time and place to do your inventory. I know that it did for me. I remember when I was doing my inventory for the first time, I was a stay-at-home mom, and my kids were in school full-time. So I thought, great, I'm gonna have all the time in the world to work on my inventory, and I can do it at home when they're at school. And I thought, I'll just wait for inspiration to strike. It's gonna be great. But here's the thing. Oddly enough, inspiration never struck. And I found that whenever I waited to do my inventory, when I felt like it, not surprisingly, I never felt like doing my inventory. I never just felt like it. And also, I found that doing it at home presented a lot of distractions for me. I would sit down to do it, and I'd go, oh, look, I should probably do those dishes over there first, or I should deal with that laundry. I just found that that didn't work well for me. And so I knew I had to change my plans. So oddly enough, what ended up working for me was doing my inventory in my car. Like I said, I was a stay-at-home mom, so dropping kids off and picking them up was a big part of that stage of life for me. So I kept my books and my inventory

in the car with me at all times. And I would intentionally schedule time that when I had a pickup, I would get there an hour early, and I would work on my inventory then. And I found that this ended up working really, really well for me. Sometimes, I would work the whole hour. Sometimes, I would work 15 minutes. Sometimes, it would only be five minutes that I could emotionally give to this process, because the Holy Spirit would reveal something to me, sometimes really big things, and I would need to take the rest of that time just to process through it emotionally and allow myself to feel what I was feeling, or maybe even reach out to an accountability partner or two just so I could process through that. And that is okay. This is just what worked for me. It's gonna look different for a lot of different people. There are as many different ways and places to schedule working on your inventory as there are people who are going to be working on their inventory. Again, there is no right or wrong way. The most important thing is that you find a time and a place that works for you, and you stick with it, and you schedule it in. So once you have picked out your time and your place, you can begin.

And that takes us to the next letter in our acrostic, which is O, and that stands for open. In Participant Guide 2, Pastor John writes, open your heart and your mind to allow the feelings that the pain of the past has blocked or caused you to deny. I'm gonna read that again, because I think it's so good. Open your heart and your mind to allow the feelings that the pain of the past has blocked or caused you to deny. If you are at this fourth step in your recovery, you are ready for this step. When you worked through those first three steps, you worked on stepping out of denial, and now you're ready to step into the truth of your past. But being ready doesn't always mean that it's easy. And many people, like me, grew up in a home where it was not safe to express how you were feeling or to talk about what was going on. Maybe you were taught to deny things. I know in my home, we were masters at denial. So this resulted in me growing up into an adult who was not very aware of how I was feeling. And even worse, I had no idea how to share with other people how I was feeling. But here's the thing. Celebrate Recovery has given me a safe place to learn how to acknowledge my feelings, how to process them, feel them, and then also how to share them with others.

While I was working through the first three steps, both in an OpenShare group and in my Step Study, I had time to learn how to acknowledge how I was feeling and then share it in a safe environment where no one tried to fix me, nobody told me that I was wrong for feeling what I was feeling or that I shouldn't feel that way at all. In Job 7-11, Job tells his friends, "'Let me express my anguish. "'Let me be free to speak out of the bitterness of my soul.'" In the Amplified Version, it says it this way, "'Therefore, I will not restrain my mouth. "'I will speak in the anguish of my spirit. "'I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.'" And I love this version, the Amplified Version, because in this, it sounds like Job is making a decision here. He says, "'Therefore, I will.'" And he says, "'I will speak this way.'" Two more times, he is making a conscious decision to be honest and to not deny how he was feeling no matter how raw and ugly and uncomfortable it may have been for him. So as we begin our inventories, we need to be open to the feelings and the emotions and the memories that maybe before we have denied or rejected or maybe we were taught to deny or reject those or maybe they're too painful or we weren't allowed to express them.

And so here are some questions that you can ask yourself as a place to start to maybe help wake up some of those feelings or those memories or emotions. So, number one, you can ask yourself, how have I been hurt? What do I resent? Who do I resent? It is so important to start with asking ourselves about the pain from our past, especially the pain from our childhood. So much of the time, the pain in our life is the why behind our habits and our behaviors and our addictions or our struggles. Our hurts, which is how we feel, lead to our hang-ups, which is what we believe about ourselves or others, and then that affects and drives our habits. So it starts in our hearts, how we feel, and then it goes to our head, how we think, and then it comes out in our habits, how we behave. All starts with the hurt. So a second question you can ask yourself is, what do I feel guilty about? Whatever comes to your mind when you ask yourself that, write it down and then maybe work through that on your inventory. A third question is, what are my fears? Fear can prevent us from being honest with ourselves and open, so start there and ask yourself, am I afraid? Is there something I'm afraid of here? And then a fourth question you can ask yourself is, am I stuck in dishonest thinking? These are just some questions that you can begin with. Like I said, it's a great way to start to open up your heart and your mind in this process. But remember that we are not doing this on our own. The Bible says, with man, things are impossible, they're impossible, but with God, all things are possible. And you know what? We can't do this on our own, but the good news is we don't have to, which takes us to

the next letter in our acrostic, which is R, and that stands for rely. We need to rely on Jesus, who is our higher power, throughout this entire process. We need to rely on Jesus to give us the courage and the strength that this step requires. We need to rely on him in very practical ways to lead us through this whole process. And once again, like I keep saying, these first three steps that we've already done, they have prepared us to take this fourth step. In principle two, we declare that we earnestly believe that God exists, that we matter to him, and that he has the power to help us recover. So not only do we believe that he exists and that we matter to him, but we earnestly and wholeheartedly declare that he does have the power to help us recover. And step four, it requires us to take that faith in Jesus and put it into action to move forward in this step. We truly need to believe that Jesus has the power to help us recover, and then we need to lean on that power with everything that we've got in us, because it's his power that's going to get us through this step. And actually, even more than just getting us through this step, he's going to take us through it and get us to healing, which is what we're all after in the first place, and we need that healing from God, so we need to rely on him. Psalm 31, 23-24 says, O love the Lord, all you his godly ones! The Lord preserves the faithful and fully repays the arrogant. Be strong and let your hearts take courage. All you who wait for and confidently expect the Lord. I love how at the end it says, Be strong and let your hearts take courage. All you who wait for and are confidently expectant in the Lord. This verse was key for me in this process. There were so many times where I was really overwhelmed by how much I knew that I needed to address in my inventory. I didn't know where to start, what relationship to start with, or what hurt to address first.

But this verse, it encouraged me, and it assured me that the strength and the courage that I needed to really address my past, it comes from God, and that I could confidently expect that he would lead me through this entire process, revealing to me what I needed to work on first, and then continuing to lead me through the process. The very best place to start in your recovery is with prayer. If like me, maybe you're like me, maybe you don't know where to start, pray and ask God to reveal to you what he wants you to work on, where he wants you to start. And maybe, maybe you struggle with remembering a lot from your childhood. If that's the case, that's okay, pray. Pray and ask him to help remind you of the things in your life that he wants you to work on. Ask him to bring to your mind any memories or any hurts in your past that you need to work through. You guys, God is faithful, I promise. He is faithful, and he will come through for you. He will work alongside you and reveal to you what you need to work on. He wants to be a part of this process with us. We just need to pray and invite him in and rely on his power to lead us in this and heal us through the whole process. So the next letter on our acrostic is A, and that stands for Analyze. We need to analyze our pasts honestly. Proverbs 20, 27 says, The Lord gave us mind and conscience, and we cannot hide from ourselves. This step, this fourth step, requires that we use that mind and that conscience that God gave us to address. stress our past so that we can get to the root issues of our hang-ups and our habits. So Johnny, my husband and I were recently talking about our first inventories, and we learned something really interesting, that we each approached these very, very differently.

So when Johnny got into recovery as an adult, he got in for struggling with alcohol. And so he came in very aware of his behaviors, and so when he approached his inventory for the first time, he approached it from the whole standpoint of what he did. His inventory was heavy on what he did and how he hurt others, and not so much on how he himself was hurt. Now I, on the other hand, when I came into recovery, I came in for codependency in a dysfunctional childhood, and so I approached my whole inventory with the mindset of what was done to me and how I was hurt. So again, I came to the table with how I was hurting, and so I was more aware of, my inventory was heavy on what was done to me. Johnny came in heavily aware of his behaviors and a huge sense of guilt and shame, so his inventory was heavy on what he did. Those are two very different places to start on an inventory. So when I asked Johnny, I said, why did you approach it that way? And he said at the time, as an addict, that he felt his inventory, the whole point of the inventory was for him to make amends for all that he had done, almost like a penance. He focused on what he had done and the pain that he had caused, and while that is important, and please hear me, that is so important,

it is also equally important for him to remember that pain was caused to him too, that people hurt him as well. He is not the only one who caused pain, that he was hurt also in his life. Addressing the pain that we have endured is such an important part of the inventory process, especially the pain from our childhood. There is always a reason why behind the behavior, the habit, or the addiction, and that why can be traced back to the belief systems that we learned about the world or ourselves as children, which we developed directly out of the pain and the wounds of our past. And without healing the pain, then we can't begin to address these belief systems that drive our adult behaviors. And then for me, vice versa, as a codependent, I needed to make sure that when I do my inventories, I am paying attention to how I've hurt others as well, realizing that I have a part, being willing to see behaviors and habits that I need to work on and change, that I have developed out of the pain of my life as well. When we work on our inventories, it is so necessary to focus on both the pain that we have caused, how we have hurt others, and also the pain that has been caused to us, the ways that we have been hurt as well. And remember, we're not doing this on our own.

God will guide us and carry us through this whole process. So once we begin to analyze our past, we can move into that last step in starting our inventory, which leads us to our last letter in the acrostic, which is L, and the L stands for list. The inventory is essentially a list of the good and the bad in our lives, what we have done to others and what they have done to us, how we have been hurt and how we have hurt others. And this is the step where we start to list and write things out. Lamentations 340 says, "'Let us examine our ways and test them, "'and let us return to the Lord.'" It is extremely important to keep your inventory balanced with both the good and the bad. And I think it can be really easy to get stuck in the bad when we do our inventories. I know that that was the case for me. But please remind yourself that good things have been done to you and you have done good things. I'll say that again. Please remind yourself that you have done good things and good things have been done to you. So please remember to include those in your inventory as well. When I started my inventory, I sat down and I wrote a list of all the people who had hurt me and all the people that I knew that I had hurt,

which was basically every major relationship in my life. And also I wrote out any traumatic or big events that took place in my life. Anything that came to my mind, I just wrote it down on that list. And then I prayed and I asked God, where he wanted me to start. And if there was anything else that he wanted me to add to that list. And then I just started. Remember, this fourth step is a process and it is not meant to be done all at once. And again, tonight's lesson gives us a little bit of that roadmap so we can begin to start stepping into this fourth step process. But I do wanna give you a word of caution here. Please do not begin this process without a strong accountability team. Now, your accountability team, it may include a sponsor, it may not include a sponsor. And I just wanna say here, if you don't have a sponsor yet, if you are struggling to find a sponsor, please focus on building your accountability team. Look for accountability partners instead. Don't let not having a sponsor keep you from continuing to work your steps of recovery. Focus on that accountability team. They will be pivotal for you in this process.

I know that I relied heavily on my accountability team when I was working through my inventory. They were able to pray for me, encourage me, and listen to me when I just was struggling. They were there for me. So rely on that accountability team. Breaking cycles and habits of addiction can be hard and it can be painful, but no less hard and painful than being stuck in those same cycles and habits and addictions. But here's the good news. When we're stuck between, when we're here in the middle between staying stuck in these cycles or choosing that pain of working through them, we get to choose which pain we want to do. We want to stay stuck where that pain can potentially last forever, or we want to choose the pain of growth that won't last forever. And we get to choose. Recovery can be tough, but when we choose to do that hard work of recovery, it is so worth it. And doing our fourth step inventory, that is us choosing the pain of growth. Let's pray. Dear God, thank you so much for who you are. Thank you that you are right here with us in this whole entire process. Thank you that we don't have to do this alone, Father. Thank you for anybody who might be here for the first time. Thank you for the courage that they had to walk through the doors for the first time tonight. I pray that they come back, Father. And I pray for anybody who is at this point in their recovery that they're going to begin starting their inventories. I pray that they rely on you for the entire process, Father. And I thank you in advance for all that you are going to do. In your name we pray, amen. Amen.