Denial Lesson

A couple of years ago, I learned a really valuable lesson that hiding never leads to healing. It was a couple of years ago, my wife and I were expecting our first child, and one of the things my wife's care provider suggested is that she pursue some chiropractic care to kind of help with some of the pain that she was feeling. And as my wife and I tried to find a place for her, she suggested, hey, Andy, why don't you try and do this as well, because I think it would help you. The six months or so leading up to that, I'd actually been dealing with a lot of knee and hip pain, and so I said, all right, okay, fine, I'll do it. And so I went to the chiropractor, and one of the things that the doctor did was that they took x-rays of my body, and the next time I met with them, we went over those x-rays. And I got to tell you, I was shocked with what I saw on those x-rays. I saw that my spine was nearing scoliosis, that I had some degeneration going on in the discs within my neck, and my hips were so far out of alignment that the doctor was surprised I wasn't in an extraordinary amount of pain, much less that I could walk in there. And I honestly couldn't believe that those x-rays showed the reality of what was going on inside of my body, because I didn't feel the pain that I probably should've been feeling. And I learned something through that experience, that our bodies actually have a really unique way of compensating for weakened and injured areas of our body in a way that it kind of hides some of the pain from our brain. Our muscles and our bones will actually start to operate outside of ways that they were intended just so that we can keep on moving, avoid pain, and keep moving through this life, which when I think about it is both fascinating and tragic, because the more the pain is avoided, the more we compensate and operate other than we were intended, and the greater the problem ultimately becomes. And when I thought about that, I was shocked at how ridiculous that was, because it doesn't fix anything, the way that our bodies do that. But as I gave it more thought, I started to realize that I think it's more than just my body that operates that way. I think my mind and my heart actually operate in much the same way, especially as I think

about my life in the midst of my addictive cycles and dysfunctional behaviors in my life. You see, I've heard it said that addiction is how the mind hides itself from itself. When we live in denial of the issues in our life, we develop this ability to tell ourselves lies and then we start to believe it. And in the midst of my addictions and dependencies with pornography, alcohol, the way I was addicted to the opinions of others, the way that I found myself just using bitterness and anger to cope and make myself feel better and protect myself from the pain, I realized that all of those things were actually my attempts at hiding the pain in my life from myself. And the more that I tried to hide and numb the pain, the greater the problem became and the greater the pain grew. You see, hiding will never lead to healing. The more I ignore the pain, the more pain I create and the more I operate outside of the way that God intended me to. But just like when I looked at those x-rays of my body and I honestly acknowledged the problem, when I stop hiding and denying the problem and pain, when I honestly admit that I need healing, that is when change can happen. And that's where God can start bringing the hope and the healing that we desire. By the way, let me introduce myself. I am a grateful believer in Jesus. I struggle with anxiety and depression, sexual addiction and grief. And my name is Andy. And tonight we're going to talk about this first starting point, this starting point, this first step into this process of recovery. And it's marked by principle one in step one of the Celebrate Recovery process. Principle one of Celebrate Recovery, it says this, it says, realize I'm not God. I admit that I'm powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. And that rests on the spiritual truth that Jesus gives us in Matthew chapter five, verse three, that happy, blessed are those who know that they are spiritually poor. And then step one goes right along with that.

It says this, we admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors that our lives had become unmanageable. And Romans 7, 18 goes right along with step one there. And it says this, I love this verse. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is in my sinful nature, for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. And that verse there in Romans 7 can seem pretty hopeless the first time we read it. I know it was for me that nothing good lives in me, that even though I know the right thing to do, I can't do it. Awesome, great, who wants to live in that space? But when we pause and when we look at that reality and that verse, it really does carry with it hope and opportunity for change. You see a heart that can resonate with that verse and can honestly acknowledge and not seek to hide and deny the way that we miss the mark. And we know that we can't carry out the things that we need to do. A heart like that is willing and ready to do anything it takes to change. But you know, sometimes it takes a while for us to get to that point. And we may be wrestling with something called denial when it comes to the things that we struggle with. And that's a lot of this starting point of Celebrate Recovery is learning to address denial within our life. Now, simply defined, denial is this. It's the state we find ourselves in when we refuse to acknowledge that there are areas in our lives that can use growth and change. And, you know, the denial of present issues will always prevent us from stepping forward and growing the way that God intends us to. And, you know, there's a lot of good reasons, though, that we might find ourselves living in this state of hiding called denial. The first one could be just simple pride. We may think that it's a sign of weakness to acknowledge

that we're struggling in some way or that we should be able to deal with these things on our own. We may have tried to open up to people before and they've just dropped us in this place. And so now we put our walls up to protect ourselves and we don't want to let anybody else in. Maybe we feel like that nobody could relate to our struggles. Like I believe for so long in my story, especially in my struggle with pornography, that I am uniquely alone and uniquely broken in this place. Or maybe, like me, you've believed the lie that other people can change. But all of my best efforts to change have done nothing but fall flat. I've been there, I've done that. Maybe God can change other people, but he can't change me. And so we just decide not to acknowledge what's going on in our life. And I want you to know that if that describes you, if any of those describe you, I want you to know it makes sense. Oftentimes, denial can be thrown around as a label to try and shame us, but we shouldn't shame ourselves for the fact that we find ourselves hiding or denying or numbing the pain in our life because that can be a really normal response. You see, acknowledging that we're in denial is actually a good thing. It's literally the starting point of the Celebrate Recovery process. The problem isn't finding out that we're in denial. The problem is choosing to stay in denial. Proverbs chapter 14, verse 8, it echoes this idea, but it also shows us a way forward. Proverbs 14, 8, it says, The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.

Living in denial is a life lived in deception, but giving thought to our ways allows us to live a life of integrity and truth, and truth allows us to find freedom and hope. Healing can actually happen when we recognize that hiding and denying, it doesn't work. And we can start to walk in the way that God intends for us. And if you're wondering, how might I recognize that I might be living in this state of hiding called denial? Well, there's some side effects. There's symptoms that crop up in our life. Our mind and body give us signals to tell us that something is wrong, that we're compensating somehow, that we're hiding some sort of pain. And so let's talk about a few of those things that might be indicators of denial in our life. The first one is that denial disables our feelings. 2 Peter 2, 19, it says, They promise them freedom while they themselves are slaves of destructive habits. For we are all slaves of anything that has mastered us. You know, denial keeps us from experiencing what our heart is feeling. It freezes our emotions and we end up stuffing or ignoring what we should be feeling. than covering those things up with harmful coping mechanisms. And that keeps us from moving forward always. I remember early on within my recovery, I was having a conversation with my sponsor after I had a series of relapses and my pornography addiction, and he asked me a very simple question. He said, hey, what were you feeling right before the last time you acted out? And I didn't have an answer for him.

I just simply said, I don't know, I think I just wanted to act out. And I think about that now and I laugh because there was absolutely something going on. There's always something going on underneath the surface. And in my denial, I refused to feel what was going on in my heart and I ran to my coping mechanisms instead. But I realized that as I got into this recovery process, that learning to develop understanding and allowing myself to feel my emotions rather than hiding them is one of the first steps to healing. One of the second symptoms that we can see of denial in our life is that our energy is lost. You know, faking it, it takes a whole lot of work. The lie of denial, it says that nobody can see or recognize the dysfunction in my life because if they do, and even if they do, I can't truly acknowledge it. It takes so much effort to cover up what's happening in my life, whether it's deleting my internet history, whether it's forging expense reports, whether it's telling only the parts of the stories that make me look good, driving out of the way to a liquor store where nobody will recognize me, hiding credit card statements, or even just grabbing fast food on the way home

and throwing the trash out before I walk inside. It's exhausting just thinking about all of that because I've lived in those cycles before. It's unsustainable, it doesn't work because living in hiding creates burdens that we were never designed to bear. Our denial, it ends up causing anxiety in our life because we live with this fear of being found out, trying to protect the image that we made because the consequences are so heavy if the facade gets broken. It locks us in a self-imposed prison that says this, if people really knew me, I'm done. They'll want nothing to do with me. But here's the hope. We don't have to live in that prison anymore. God promises us, in Psalm 146, verses seven and eight, it says he frees the prisoners. He lifts the burdens from those bent down beneath their loads. We find freedom when we decide to bring what we're carrying into the light and ask God into that place. Another symptom of denial can be that it negates our growth. And this one's pretty simple. If we never acknowledge the wound, if we never acknowledge the effect that it's had on us, we will never, never, never heal. If we wanna step forward, we have to acknowledge what's holding us back.

Living in denial will always keep us from growing in maturity and health, but we get a really cool promise from God when we acknowledge the troubles that we carry and we cover up. Psalm 107, verses 13 and 14, it says this, then they cried to the Lord in their troubles and he rescued them. He led them from the darkness and shadow of death and snapped their chains. Man, such good news there. And, you know, denial also has symptoms that crop up in our relationships as well. One of those is that it isolates us from God. First off, let's look at 1 John 1, verses five through seven. It says this, God is light. In him, there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another. In the blood of Jesus, his son purifies us from all sin. I wanna be perfectly clear on this. God is always there for us and he is always chasing after us. And so whenever I feel disconnected from God, I have to know it's never because of him. Our denial causes us to avoid deep and meaningful relationships

and prevents us from truly accepting and walking in God's love for us. Our denial can make us defensive, like it's done for me in my life, and I can choose to shut God out, but he's always there inviting us back to him whenever we're ready to step out of the darkness and walk in the light with him. Denial also impacts our relationships with others in a similar way. It alienates us from our relationships with others. It's chapter four, verse 25, it pleads with us. Stop lying to each other. Tell the truth, for we are all parts of each other, and when we lie to each other, we are hurting ourselves. Again, a life lived in denial is a life lived in deception. It's a life where we set up a false image of ourself in front of others, and I can end up wearing this mask, and I try to tailor this mask to exactly what I think everybody wants to see, but people end up loving the mask rather than me, and I'm starved of the love and the connection that I've been longing for, and the only way to find what I've been looking for in my relationships with others is to allow myself to be known flaws and all. You see, it's through vulnerability that healing can happen, and that is so important because we can't do this alone. We need each other. We need to push each other so that we can move

in the right direction together as we walk this road of recovery, and then one of the final symptoms of denial that we see in our life is that it lengthens the pain. One of the things we say here at Celebrate Recovery a lot is that we're only as sick as our secrets. Living in denial and allowing our fear of being found out keeps us in hiding, and it lengthens the pain and never allows us to find the healing that we need. I lived in that cycle for a long time, particularly in my struggle with pornography and alcohol. I was too scared to open up, too scared to honestly admit that I had an issue, and I lived in a world of rationalization and hiding, and I don't know how many times over the course of those 13 years of my addiction that I was offered help, and then I refused that help, and each time I did, it only worked to deepen the pain and to strengthen my cycle of addiction in my life. And with that, another thing that we hear a lot here at Celebrate Recovery is that we won't change until our pain exceeds our fear of change. I couldn't change until I got to the point that I honestly admitted the pain that my harmful cycles were leading to in my life, and that it would never lead to the life God intended for me. But when I was willing to allow myself to be at my rock bottom, to let my level of pain be enough,

and admit that I needed help, I was able to start this healing process and change. When we step out of hiding, when we become willing to address our denial and allow God and others into our weaknesses, we start to experience the promise that God gives us in Jeremiah 30, 17, where it says God's promise, I will give you back your health again and heal your wounds. You see, hiding will never lead to healing. And we can talk about that all day long, but you know, knowing that doesn't always make it any easier to step out of denial. I know for me in my journey, I had to ask the question, what kind of God am I stepping towards as I step out of my denial? Some of us have stayed stuck for so long because we've learned that people will fail us. And if we expose our areas of weakness, they're just gonna drop us in that place. And we might be wondering, is God gonna do the same thing to us? Will he really meet me where I'm at? Will he catch me in that place? I wanna tell you the beautiful truth is that yes, he will. He is willing and he's able to catch us. In fact, he not only accepts us where we're at, he invites us to run to him. He knows and sees the burdens that we're carrying. And he says, come to me.

Jesus gives us this beautiful invitation in Matthew chapter 11. Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Jesus invites you and I to bring our burdens to him. And he promises us rest as we walk with him. But we have to be willing to bring those things to him. And so tonight, I simply wanna ask you this. What areas of your life are you living in hiding and denial? And are you willing to take the beautiful step of asking God into that place of your life? Thanks for letting me share.