BetterMan Core: Lesson 8

Well, men, welcome to session eight, A Real Man Loves and Protects God's Woman. And I hope that you've enjoyed the journey thus far. And I know to give this much time, this many weeks is a true investment of literally your own self, your own time and energy and all those things. And I just want to tell you, way to go, way to go, but we're entering the last leg and nobody quits in the last leg. So don't back up now. Keep believing. And the truth I'm telling you today has the ability to shape not only your future, but your family more than anything else. A real man loves and protects God's woman. But before we do that, let me remind you, because we're memorizing this still part of our 30 day challenge here, the four life giving responsibilities of a timeless manhood. So working this in week after week, a real man courageously follows God's word, loves and protects God's woman, excels at God's work and betters God's world. Today I know that we'll likely watching this have single men, maybe even some single again men. We'll have married men that are watching this. And I want to encourage each of us to learn these things regardless of where you are. So then some can put it into practice, but others can hold the rest of us that are married accountable and that we can teach others the truths that God has about a relationship between a man and a woman. Let's be honest. The journey with a woman, we're all men, right, talking here, can be a difficult one. Many times it's filled with interruptions, misunderstanding, and just plain confusion. What we want to do is help today. We want to help remember what it means to be in a relationship with a woman. It reminds me of a joke. I don't know if you got time for a joke, and I'm going to give you one, right? There was a guy that there were a couple of young men, they're all newly married, and

they were sitting in a coffee shop and they were all sort of bickering about troubles with their wife. And this older man came over and he said, I don't know what you young men have to complain about. So I've been married 45 years, and my wife and I have only ever had one argument. And they all sort of look each other scoffed and said, we don't believe that. That's impossible. You've been married to the same woman for 45 years, and you've only had one fight. And they said, let me tell you how that's possible. He begins to tell a story that they didn't know each other very long before they decided to get married. And they decided for their honeymoon that they would go to this ranch in Wyoming, this horse ranch place, and would be able to go on these trails riding horses. And it seemed like a romantic thing that they decided to do. So they get married. And remember, they don't really know each other that well. They go to this ranch and sure enough, they get on horse mount the next morning and they strike on the little trail and right off the bat, the horse sort of pulls back on and sort of bucks a little bit. And the woman, his new wife, reaches and grabs the horse by the hair of the mane and slaps the horse with her hand. She says, that's one. Well, the new husband just sort of takes note of that thing. That's pretty interesting. I've never seen her act that way. So sure enough, they're on the trail a little bit further down the road and they go through this little narrow patch of woods and they're maneuvering through trees on the trail. That horse veers off the trail and he actually gets the woman's leg trapped against a tree. Sure enough, she reaches up again, slaps the horse and says, that's two. They get to an opening once they get through that and they open up in this beautiful valley

and the horse just takes off galloping and bucking and throws her from the horse and woman calmly gets up and grabs the horse and pulls the horse by the reins in close and pulls a pistol that no one knew she had and she shoots the horse, kills it. So that's three. The husband looks at his new wife said, you have lost your mind, woman. What is wrong with you? You got to be crazy. And she calmly looks up at her new husband and said, that's one. And he said, that's the last argument we ever had. That's funny. I don't care what you say. Right. So there's a lot of misunderstanding and there's a lot of differences between a man and a woman, but it's worth. To me, it's worth the work. So let me give you the winning with your wife, a husband scale on the two sides of the scale. You've got the lost husband, and then on the other side of the scale, you have the life giving husband, the lost husband. That's not meaning spiritually. It's talking about relationally. It can be spiritual. But it's not like he's lost in knowing how to love and protect his wife. He's operating off of instincts Maybe he's operating off of upbringing What he watched is what he is living For the long haul it just doesn't work the lost husband thinks he knows women. He's arrogant man. I know women I know how to do this and he guesses about how to live with this wife Guessing in marriage will only make matters worse You might hit the target every once in a while, but you'll leave casualties Everywhere Proverbs 14 12 says is there's a way that seems right to a man. But the end is the way of Death, that's the lost husband on the other end. You've got the life giving husband

He knows this is what his confession is he knows that he doesn't know women He knows and lives with this awareness that motivates him to seek out some wisdom. I don't understand her I need some help to understand and how to love her best He knows he needs some wisdom and practical help to live well with his wife He knows that he needs help from enduring wisdom and he knows he needs help from other better men first Peter 3 7 says Husbands live with your wives in an understanding way live with your wives according to knowledge Since she is a woman husbands live with your wife's according to knowledge Since she is a woman Peter is saying that we need knowledge to really know our wife Because men she's not like you Though, you know her You you will know your wife when you get married to some measure She is still a mystery There's more to her than you know yet, and we all need real knowledge about how she thinks You need to crawl in and understand the way that she processes life how she feels you need some help to understand the desires That we don't instinctively have We're gonna have to gain knowledge We're gonna need to make some adjustments men if we want to truly desire to have a happily ever after Dr. Phil McGraw says this there's a big difference between really living and just Existing huge difference between really living just existing is this thing operates on guesswork and on instinct Really living on the other hand comes through the exercise of certain learned skills That you have acquired and you've honed. This is what moves us from being a lost husband to a life-giving husband knowledge acquired life skills honed Somewhere on the husband scale you ready from lost husband to life-giving husband is you It'd be good to stop and identify today where you find yourself on that scale Let me help you a little bit as we're coming to know our wives what your wife Needs most I don't think that he I've heard this anywhere more clearly than through this better man study That explains to us what our wife really needs eyes for a second you ready she needs

to feel your heart your wife needs to feel your heart Paul says in Ephesians 5 25 husbands love your wife's just as Christ also Love the church. Listen to me. She doesn't just need to know what you feel She needs to feel what you know She needs to feel that you love her guys. She needs to not just hear it She needs to feel it Don't assume that she knows it just because you've once said it or you even try to repeatedly say it the priority number one For every husband is to make sure that his wife feels loved Social research has confirmed that emotional engagement with her husband is far away far away Secret stuff right here the single most important factor in a woman's happiness in marriage This is a call guys. Not something most of us are naturally. This is a call to emotionally connect with your wife men to love our wife like cross loves a church is to Emotionally connect with her think about what Jesus did for us Jesus loved the church by meeting our greatest need to connect with God to have intimacy with God, that he paid the ultimate price, the ultimate sacrifice, so that we can have intimacy again, that we might feel loved by God. The gospel declares to us, you are loved. And what our role inside of the marriage as the cross figure is to help our wives feel loved, to feel connected to you. Not merely that you're married on a tax statement, but on an emotional experience. You ever wondered why women don't get so connected to some of the most strange things to us? Maybe it's a romantic novel, maybe it's like a bachelor-like show, and you're thinking, why in the world do they read or watch or are they engrossed or entertained by those things? Because they're wanting to feel love. They want

the connection. They long for you. Even a cheap substitute will give them some kind of momentary glimpse of what their heart is ultimately longing for. Man, here's some gold for you to know. Your wife, or for those that are not married, your potential wife has this nagging insecurity. You want to hear it? The nagging insecurity. No matter what previous seasons of your marriage have been like, this nagging insecurity is, does he still love me? And you might think, that is crazy. I work hard, I provide all these different things, I sacrifice. Well, listen, she needs that deposit to be made every season into her soul. Let me give you three practical ways. I'm just trying to help you man-to-man talking here in this moment. Three practical ways for you to stir up meaningful heart-to-heart connections with your wife. One, regularly reassure your wife. Regularly reassure your wife. Man, if your wife doesn't feel love today, it's the same as if she is not loved. I know that don't make any sense, but I'm not talking in a sense of what makes sense to us. We're talking about what makes sense to them. In our logical mind, we don't get that, but they're not speaking from logic. They're speaking from the heart. With the words of affection, you can reassure her. Men, husbands, one-day husbands, you can never look into your bride's eyes enough, hold her hands, pull her close, and say, I love you enough. She needs to hear it. Not just blanket, not just trot, not just throwing it out there. She can never hear enough from you words of praise, like you're the best. You're really beautiful. You're still my best friend. You make life fun. You bring me joy. Warm touches, like tender moments that you're not merely trying to get a sexual encounter out of it, but because you're just trying to make a heart connection. Statements of commitment. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you. I'm yours forever. You're the only one for me. Your wife is panting for that. You may have been in a tough season. Those springs and those streams may have dried up in your marriage. I want you to believe for the water to roll again, for life to come again to your marriage. It's going to start with you being brave to say the things that need to be said. Again, you go, Kyle, I'm not a big verbal person. I get it, but you are a husband. You're called to help her connect on a heart level. Second,

pursue your wife. I'd bet money if I had a cup of coffee with you and could talk about your marriage. Every man that finds himself married has learned how to pursue a woman, at least to the point where she decided to marry you. That you got into this marriage out of pursuit of her, and your marriage will flourish as you continue to pursue her. Can I just give you some practical? This is just us dudes talk. I'm trying to help you win in your marriage. Why not leave your wife a note tomorrow? Listen, she would be awed if she woke up in the morning, maybe to the note, just say, hey, baby, I love you, or hey, I sure appreciate this about you. Maybe surprise her with a gift that's not associated to a birthday or Christmas or Valentine's. I'm not talking about break the bank. I'm talking about something that's just meaningful, like that you're just trying to express to her love. Maybe in the middle of the day, that you just send a text, say, how's your day going? I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, man, what if she responds to that? me bad. I can't do it. But just to be thoughtful enough to say, hey, I'm thinking about you today. Listen, you found yourself moving toward a wedding and a marriage because you learned how to pursue her. Don't stop in any season of your marriage. Keep pursuing her. My wife and I, I mean, listen, we've got five kids. We've walked through different seasons, and I've had to remind myself of the priority of my marriage over and over again. And one season I found myself especially busy. And so I was preaching a lot, and then she was caring for kids and just felt like we were missing each other. And so I wanted to leave her a little gift and a card. She was leaving out the next morning to actually go to a sale to buy some clothes for kids. And I just got in late that night. And so I decided to leave her a little note. And I just wrote Katie on the outside of it and just said some things for me to her that's personal. And you say, well, what'd you say? Ain't none of your business. That was between me and her. Well, what I didn't know is I was leaving out early that next morning as well to go to another thing I was preaching at, and she had somebody come over to the house that was going to watch her kids while she was at that sale. And her name was also Katie. And I just tell you, it got real awkward when the wrong Katie read that note. So just a little bit of a heads up. Make sure that your wife actually gets the note you leave for you. That's funny. I don't care what you say. You need to hear that. Guys,

listen, little touches make a big difference. Little moments can, listen to me, can save your marriage. And I just say this to you guys, heart to heart moment. If you stop pursuing her, don't be surprised if some other dude starts pursuing her or she tries to find or the enemy places somebody in earshot of your bride. You say, how dare you say that? Well, I'd rather warn you now than you wake up to a nightmare. So you get after your wife and passionate pursuit again. It's one of the things that you can learn that can help you is to speak your wife's love language. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote that book years ago that's helpful. It's a great, simple book to read and to learn the way that your wife feels love. It really helped me to learn that my wife acts of service is a way of showing her love, that I'm willing to show up and serve in this specific way. Maybe your wife's receiving gifts like little things over time or quality time together, physical touch or affirming words. For me, I'm going to act a word's affirmation. If my wife tells me that she thinks I'm killing it on something, I feel like Superman. But we've had to learn those things about each other. You lead by learning how to love your wife. There's nothing greater to a wife than to feel her husband's heart for her intangible ways. Such moments are life giving. She needs to feel your heart. She needs to have that connection. But she also needs to hear me, guys. See your faith. One of the greatest gifts that you can give your wife is a sight line into your spiritual life. There is a security that comes to a bride when she believes that her husband is in pursuit of God. That as he's learning to lead her and love her, that he is following him. I know it's an intimidating thing to think about spiritually leading in your home, but it's one of the ways that you can, listen, literally save your marriage and purify it. That's what Paul references in Ephesians 5 verses 26 and 27. Husband, keep your wives holy and blame us through the washing of the water with the word. What this is, to simplify, this is a call to spiritually initiate with your wife. This is the spot where Adam failed, where he backed up, and listen to me, he was spiritually passive. Instead of moving toward his bride when the serpent came slithering in and stand up and spiritually initiate, going, we ought to pray about this or know what does God's word say about this, that he went spiritually invisible when she needed a strong man to stand. Adam should have stepped up and showed his faith. He should have rejected spiritual passivity and been the man of God that she needed in that moment. Let me give you three ways that you can show faith to your wife. Three ways. You ready? One, initiate times of spiritual togetherness.

One of the ways is initiate time to pray with her. Men, make a spiritual rhythm in your home. Pray with your bride in the morning. Pray with your bride at night. Pray with your kids in moments. Initiate spiritually. Engage her in spiritual conversations. Ask her about what God is doing in her life, her devotional time. share with her what God is doing in yours. Men, lead your family and your wife into God's presence in His church. Don't be the one that lets your wife make the decision about being in a gathering. You be the one saying, listen, Sundays are special, babe. I'm going to drive us there. I'm going to get us there. There's any way I can help you get the kids ready. Wives who attend church with their husbands on a weekly basis are happier in their marriages than the other women. That's a statistical fact. Uphold biblical values in a number of practical areas, meaning be the kind of man that keeps His word. Be the kind of man that resolves conflict. Be the kind of man that gives time to his family. Be the kind of man that is a giver, not a taker, that avoids debt, that is first to forgive. Be the kind of man that sets the convictions of their home based off of God's word. Build the kind of friendships with other godly men that brings a security to your wife, knowing that you've got great accountability. She needs spiritual togetherness. Also, men, you ready? She needs the freedom to choose. I'm about to say something that is completely countercultural. What I'm about to tell you is absolutely true, but would be scrutinized in our culture in our day. Ephesians 5, 28, 29 says, Husband, provide and care for your wives. What Paul is saying is the husband has been called to be the financial provider in his home. If you would have said that 50 years ago, everyone would have nodded and we'd move on. But today, culture will bristle at such a statement. It sounds restrictive to the world, but in reality, it's what is needed and intended to liberate your wife. This is a call to financially liberate your wife. It's giving your wife, listen to me, the freedom to choose. That she can choose to work if she feels called to, or she has giftings and desires to, but she can also choose to stay home with kids during that season and that age because you're committed to her as the spiritual leader and provider in your home that I will do what it takes to make that adjustment. It might mean forsaking things in this world. It might mean the adjustments of where you live, what you drive, all those things. Wouldn't it be worth it for the sake

of the flourishing of your wife? Might be a simple question that you would ask your wife today, would you like to work a little less or not at all? If she says no, then you got your answer. If she says yes, would you be willing to do whatever is possible to do it, to build a plan toward it? In the happiest homes in America, women have that freedom. That's statistically proven. They want the freedom to choose. One of my goals, you could say this, is to give you the freedom to work when you want to. And when you don't, you don't have to, especially when we have children. According to the General Social Survey, every year since 1972, women's reported happiness has declined. Much of it, by the way, has to do with women's struggle in balancing work with children and homes. Husbands, hear me now, you are the difference maker. Husbands are the difference maker when it comes to a wife's life balance. You help them navigate those water. The husband who can financially support his wife, at least at a basic living level, provides his wife with expanded life options. So don't go back home and say, hey, Kyle said that you can't work. I didn't say that. Or Better Man didn't say that. It's saying give them the choice. The Bible puts the mantle on men to be a provider. And listen, that's not something to crush. That's something that makes us even more dependent on God. According to the Pew Research Center, in 2012, 67% of mothers said their ideal was either part-time work or no work at all outside of the home. According to the National Survey of Families and Households, when a husband is a good breadwinner, his wife is afforded more freedom and more life options which contribute to her happiness. Wives today, as wives always have, long for husbands who will financially free them up. That will get the counsel, get the help, get the financial understanding of what they'll need. need to make those things happen, if she wants to, give your wife the freedom to choose her. It is again, the life-giving husband, in summary, is an emotional connector. The life-giving husband, in summary, is an emotional connector. His wife feels loved. She knows it, and she feels it. As a spiritual initiator, his wife feels protected. As a financial liberator, his wife feels free. Allie Stuckey said this, there's a secret every woman knows, women want real men.

Men that they can count on and look up to. I don't know any woman, at any age, who's attracted to a passive man, who looks to her to be his protector, provider, and leader. Every woman wants a strong, responsible man. Men, be that kind of man, that helps your wife feel loved, feel protected, and feel free. I want to encourage you, even now, to start having those conversations with brothers in your circle, around how you can take some steps to be that kind of life-giving husband. Make some adjustments this week. Do some simple things to help your wife feel those things on a deeper level. Listen to me, happy wife, happy life. It will bless you, it will glorify God, and it will be good for your whole family. It's been a privilege walking this journey with you so far. We got a few more weeks. Don't miss now. If you had some guys that's jumped off the journey, call them back to it and help them catch back up. I look forward to seeing you next week.