BetterMan Core: Lesson 10

FELLAS, WELCOME TO WEEK TEN, AND I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU FIRST, IT'S BEEN AN ABSOLUTE PRIVILEGE TO GO ON THIS JOURNEY WITH YOU, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE, WHERE YOU'RE WATCHING IT, WHO YOU'RE WITH. I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU TODAY, AND I'M THINKING ABOUT WHAT GOD HAS STARTED IN YOUR LIFE, AND I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU, YOU'RE AT THE BEGINNING OF SOMETHING, NOT THE END OF SOMETHING. WE'VE GOT ONE MORE WEEK NEXT WEEK, BUT WE'RE REALLY WALKING THROUGH OUR BETTER MAN JOURNEY TOGETHER AND BRINGING SOME THINGS, CRYSTALLIZING, SORT OF WRAPPING THIS UP IN ONE SENSE TODAY. SO WHAT I WANT TO ENCOURAGE YOU FIRST IS, REPRODUCE THESE TRUTHS, THE THINGS THAT WE'VE LEARNED, THIS LIFE-GIVING, THE FOUR RESPONSIBILITIES OF A LIFE-GIVING MANHOOD, DON'T LET IT STOP WITH YOU. SOME OF YOU NEED TO TAKE THIS TO YOUR WORKPLACE, MAN, OR TAKE IT TO YOUR CHURCH, OR START ANOTHER SMALL GROUP, MAN, OR LOOK INTO THE EYES OF YOUR SONS AND WALK THEM THROUGH THESE TRUTHS. WHAT YOU'VE RECEIVED, REPRODUCE IT. AND TODAY I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT ONE OF THE GREATEST PRIVILEGES WE CAN HAVE AS A MAN, SPECIFICALLY GOING TO END WITH WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A DAD. SO FOR THOSE THAT ARE, MAN, MAYBE YOU ARE A DAD OF ADULT KIDS, YOU CAN STILL APPLY THESE THINGS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO THEM, GRANDKIDS, THOSE THAT ASPIRE TO ONE DAY BE A DAD. LET'S TALK ABOUT A MAN AND HIS CHILDREN. GOD'S FIRST RECORDED COMMAND TO A MAN IN THE BIBLE WAS THIS, BE A DAD. WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? THE FIRST RECORDED COMMAND TO A MAN WAS BE A DAD. YOU SEE THAT IN GENESIS 1, 28, GOD SAID TO THE MAN AND THE WOMAN, BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY, FILL THE EARTH AND SUBDUE IT. GOD KNEW THAT THE BEST TITLE A MAN COULD EVER CARRY, LISTEN TO ME, NOT CEO, NOT COACH, NOT PASTOR, THE GREATEST TITLE A MAN COULD EVER HAVE WOULD BE DAD. THAT ONE OF THE GREATEST CONTRIBUTIONS THAT WE WILL MAKE TO THE WORLD IS FULFILLING THE FIRST COMMANDMENT TO GO AND LITERALLY FILL THE EARTH WITH MORE WORSHIPERS OF JESUS CHRIST, TO RAISE UP SONS AND DAUGHTERS. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU CREATE, WHAT YOU PROVIDE, OR WHAT YOU ACHIEVE IN THE WORLD, YOU'LL

NEVER MAKE MORE OF A DIFFERENCE THAN BEING A DAD. AND I HOPE YOU'LL COME TO BELIEVE THAT, FEEL THAT, THAT YOU'RE HAVING THE PRIVILEGE OF RAISING A HUMAN BEING THAT CAN COME AND RESPOND TO THE GOSPEL OF CHRIST AND LITERALLY MAKE AN IMPACT IN THE WORLD. CHILDREN ARE GIVEN BY GOD TO ENRICH A MAN'S LIFE IN A MULTITUDE OF WAYS, TO ENRICH A MAN'S LIFE. 1 Corinthians 1.27.3 SAYS, BEHOLD, CHILDREN ARE A GIFT OF THE LORD, THE FRUIT OF A WOMB IS A REWARD. CHILDREN ARE OFTENTIMES UNFORTUNATELY SEEN AS A BURDEN IN TODAY'S WORLD, NOT AS A BLESSING. THEY SEEM AS SOMETHING THAT'S RESTRICTIVE, NOT THE REWARD OF GOD IN OUR LIVES. SOME OF THE GREATEST GIFTS YOU CAN EVER RECEIVE FROM GOD OUTSIDE OF YOUR SALVATION AND YOUR SPOUSE IS YOUR CHILDREN. I love what Teddy Roosevelt, man, he was a dude's dude. He was a man's man. He said, for unflagging interest and enjoyment, a household of children certainly makes all forms of success and achievement lose their importance by comparison. You're talking about a guy, President of the United States, I mean world class like wilderness man. And he's saying of all those things, one of the greatest interests and joys in life is children. Children give a dad a way to make some of his most significant and enduring contributions to bettering the world. I love what the author Neil Postman said, children are living messages we send to a time we will not see. Most likely and by God's grace, our kids and grandkids will outlive us and what they are are messages we're sending into the future about what truly matters. Guys, there's nothing, there's no greater joy or responsibility that God has given us and we got to believe this, than the privilege of being a dad. The challenge every dad faces is how to raise up and launch well adjusted, difference making children into the next generation.

As we learned in session four, go back and remember that I pray you even print that piece of paper, the smart dad plan, it requires some intentional effort. This requires being a smart dad. I want to tell you man, listen, there's no fail proof plan to raising great kids, but there are some intentional investments. You can't control all the outcomes, but you can control in the sense, the investments you make that promises to pay off with some long term dividends, but you got to do it. So what your children, let me give you some things that will help you, this helped me big time when I learned this what your children would say they need most from you as a dad what a study tell us that our kids would say that they truly need most from us they'd say this dad I need you and mom to be there for me in my early years I need for you to be there for me in my early years studies have shown that a strong nurturing environment in the opening years of a child's life with a lot of face-to-face interaction with mom and dad is essential to healthy brain and personality development it's what psychiatrist Paul Meyer says one of the things that I've learned in my psychiatric training is that approximately 85 percent of a person's ultimate personality think about that 85 percent of a person's ultimate personality is formed by the time he or she is six years old those first six years are obviously the most crucial that there's something about that window of time when they're a child being able to look into the face of a loving father and mother and their personality and their security is being formed studies have shown that young children with limited physical or emotional attention from busy or absent parents will struggle later on dads far more than moms wound their children for a lifetime by being out of touch in those early years dad's absence is specifically damaging to sons one child psychiatrist said this no one outgrows his feelings of childhood for better or worse the child lives on in the adult as it pertains to our kids let it be for better for better because we give we make intentional investments here another thing that our children if they knew how to articulate it this is what they would say dad I need your discipline and instruction to be balanced with love you'll see a grid in your workbook right there that shows you a spectrum from high love to low love shows you from low discipline and instruction to high discipline and instruction children raised in the authoritative homes are most likely to flourish and thrive it gives you different perspectives you see in a high love but in low discipline

instruction that's the permissive parent and listen to me the world doesn't need more permissive parents not merely just love love is the start but they also need discipline and instruction you'll see in the lower core quadrant of it that those that are low low love and low instruction and discipline that's a neglectful parent that's the kind of parent that doesn't care and the kind of parent that doesn't teach that doesn't instruct you keep moving over you see the low love but yet high discipline that's authoritarian that's the one that loves to yell loves to tell but doesn't love to love doesn't help a child feel but then what we're shooting for guys is the authoritative parent the one that's high in love but also high instruction and discipline that that child knows their love but the child also knows the right way to go and when they don't that they get the right kind of discipline children raised in authoritative homes are most likely going to adopt the values of their family children that are raised in a right authority structure are going to respond to authority figures best in life and listen to me if there's an epidemic in our age is kids no longer know how to rightly view authorities and establishing that in the home will help establish that that for them in the world children that are raised in our high love and also high instruction and discipline possess a high sense of personal well-being be the kind of dad that shows up with love but also shows up to teach and then shows up to draw the lines and when lines are crossed in a right way disciplines their child if your kids could say this if our kids could say this they'd say dad i need you to know my personality and honor it there is no one size fits all i got five kids and every one of my kids are different and disciplined and even the way that they receive love is different and you need to get to know your kids the smart dad will adjust his parenting efforts to each of his children's unique personalities that's a lot of work it's just worth it the sooner a dad gets to know his child's unique personality the better this insight will help you as a better dad connect and interact with every one of your children and spend the time there's resources out there for you. Places for you to learn how to learn your kid, how to shepherd your own child's heart. And I would encourage you, man, to go on the journey as a dad. Don't wait for mom to help you do the next thing to help you become a better parent. Lead out in that. Your child or kids will tell us this, Dad, I need you to discover my bent and actively support it. Don't push your

children to be what you want them to be. Help your child come to know and understand who God made them to be. Their bent is their natural abilities and passions, things that come up out of them. And so Proverbs 22, 6 says, train up the child according to his bent, according to his bent. And even when he is old, he will not depart from it. Do you know your kid's natural abilities, personalities, passion? In the teenage years, the smart dad might find some aptitude testing. I would encourage that man might find some ways to help their child really come to understand what things help them come alive, what things are natural to them, things like AIMS testing, there's all kinds of resources out there. Be, listen to me, be aggressive in that on behalf of your child, help them with those things. Your excitement and support as a dad over your child's abilities, over your child's passions is a huge factor in him or her developing a healthy self mute. How they see themselves is that they see your affirmation of the ways God made them to work, the way they think, all those things. Your kid would want you to know, dad, I need you to know too much is too much. Meaning ready guys, too much control over your child's life crushes the spirit and excites rebellion, crushes. You got to know, listen, and I got to know this rustle through when's too much is too much, when's too much talk, when's too much helicopter, when's too much discipline. When there's the time to say, you know, I got to let them fail. I got to let them make some mistakes. I don't need to hover every second. Guys, you need to know too much. Listen to me, too much money in your child's life will spoil them and steal their will to succeed. Man, do you give your kids just too much? I mean, in our day, listen to me guys. If you have, it's like, we're trying to make more

money so we can have more things. And if we give our kids too many things, they'll never learn how to earn. And our kids need to learn these things for themselves. Another thing, too high of an expectation for your child wounds and embitters them. If you set a standard that no one can fulfill, or when they fail, if you pounce every time, listen to me, don't set an expectation that you wouldn't want to live by. I can't tell you how many times in discipling my own children, I hear the voice of our Heavenly Father say, would you want me to respond this way to you? Because we all know that we're a hot mess, right? We all fail in life. So don't set an expectation that it is unrealistic for your kid that will embitter and even promote rebellion in their heart. Fathers, this is a verse I have in my mind and with my relationship with my kids all the time, Colossians 321, fathers do not exasperate your children so that they will not lose heart. Ask yourself this question, in the way I'm interacting with my kid, am I exasperating? Are they losing heart in this moment? Our kids would want us to know, Dad, I need you to show me what to believe by living it. Don't don't talk it. I need to see you walk it. This is what James 217 speaks, faith, if it has no works, is dead, being by itself. Research shows over and over again that children are more inclined to embrace the faith of their parents if they've witnessed dad and mom actually applying their beliefs to real life situations. Dads, they need to see you when circumstances happen that you stop and you pray, that you gather the family. They need to see that you have a heart for God. They need to see you lead your family toward gatherings of God's people on Sundays and that it's it's something in pen

on your calendar, man. They need to see these things. They need to see that not just you talk it or not just you go to it but you actually walk these things. They need to see you serve somebody. They need to see you share the good news of Jesus with somebody. They need to see you give not merely receive. Bottom line, we will leave in your children what we've lived out in your home. We will leave with our children what we've lived out in our home and I love this. Dad, they would say this. I need you to bless me. I need you to bless me. I just almost stop for a second and just look at you guys. Dads, God has given us an authority and a responsibility to bless our children. Life and death is on the power of the tongue and you need to bless your child with I love you. You need to bless your child with I'm proud of you. You need to bless your child with a you're really good at. Several years ago man I had a moment with a friend that helped me see this in a way. He was raising two great sons that are athletes and they travel a lot to do ball and different things and he's really came alive in his faith and he was wanting to really impart these things that God's putting in him into his wife and his kids and they're all in a fresh faith journey and they were traveling one Saturday and they had like a couple hour drive there and a couple hour drive back. Normally they just jump in the car. Kids get on tablets or whatever listening to radio and on their way back that day he looked at his wife said let's let's let's just bless our kids. So they turned the radio off and he asked the kids to turn off the tablets pay attention. He goes kids I just I want to your mom and I want to share some things with you that we see in you that you're good at. Some ways God's made you and so for a few minutes he just spoke life into both of his sons in specific ways. Son I see that you're you got this and you have a passion for this. I think that God's given you son a compassion in this way and I can see these things awakening in you. Just for a few minutes he and his wife shared those things and the kids respond as kids do. They go okay and went right back

to the tablets. He's like well what was that? The next week they were driving on Saturday to go play a ballgame and coming back that afternoon and his teenage son leaned forward and said said to his dad hey dad can you speak some of those words again? You know why? Because longing in the heart of a son and a daughter is the blessing of a father. So I just want you to know you can never underestimate what those words of life into your children from you will mean. God the Father spoke it over his own son when he was baptized. Matthew 17 5 behold a voice out of the clouds said this is my beloved son with whom I am well pleased listen to him. The father said to Jesus that's my boy and I'm proud of him. You need to listen to him. Speak a blessing over your children. If your kids could say this to us they'd say dad I need you to adjust your leadership style to me as I grow. As your kids progress from ages 1 to 13 you need to be your child's coach man coaching them up no yes this way that way. From ages 13 to 18 you need to change and be your kids cheerleader. You got to let them make some mistakes going like ah hold on now I'm here for you but listen I go for it but watch out a little. And from ages 18 and up guys it changes again and we become a consultant because they're adults and they're gonna come for some consulting. If you do the other stages right they'll come back for some wisdom from us. So just know you got to change your leadership style over time. Another thing kids would say to us dad I need you to make some great I need to make some great memories with you. There's often a direct correlation between memories we keep from childhood and the lives that we live as adult. Every child can be strengthened for life or by some special moments with dad. A smart dad works to create personal life-giving memories and moments with their kid. My oldest son will never forget when he turned 10 because when he turned 10 I picked him up from school and we drove to Atlanta Georgia to go to Atlanta Braves. I actually checked him out he checked him out and I told him it's pretty funny I told him at first we were going to the dentist which which kid like likes that thought until we got to the interstate and he thought what we doing I said no son for your 10th birthday just me and you man we're going

to a Braves game. We drove a couple hours from where we live to go because just to have a moment it's the moment just him and dad and I just want to say to you man make time don't wait for it make time to make some memories have some conversations with your kids. Dad I need you it's what our kids will say dad I need you to talk to me about God and share his word with me. Luke 18 16 Jesus called them saying permit the children to come me do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Men our kids are way more apt towards spiritual things than we can imagine or fathom. So have some conversation, pray some prayers, open some passages of scripture, share it with them, and ultimately, one of the greatest privileges you'll ever have as a dad is looking into eyes of your sons and daughters and say to them, Jesus died for you. He lived the life you couldn't live, died the death you deserve, defeated death in his resurrection, and when you come to believe that, you can be made new, made alive. So do it. Lead spiritually. Here's some final thoughts. Children are God's gift to us. We feel that gifting most in two wow moments. Two wow moments. The first is the day that they are born. I bet if you're a dad right now, or you'll be a dad soon, or you've been a dad for a long time, you remember that or you long for that day

when your child is born. You'll never forget it, man. You'll never forget what was happening around it because a new life just came into the world and they're now yours to hold and have. And the day that they stand before you as mature, honorable adults. I got a vision. In my, as I said several times now, my wife and I have five kiddos. This is the day they're born, I'll never forget, but this is the day I long for. I got, I just, I can see this in my spirit. I long for the day that my five adult kids sit around our table, mature in the Lord Jesus Christ, and listen to me, and have found a godly spouse. I just, I long for that. I'm believing for that day. And in that day, I'm gonna turn my head heavenward and thank our Father in heaven. Man, get you a vision for what your children will be and what you long to see happen. Children are our best long-term opportunity to better God's world. It's the most significant investment we can make on this planet. Psalm 127, verse four says, like arrows in the hands of a warrior,

so are the children of one's youth. We're gonna shoot them into the world and when they make impact, if God has allowed us by His grace and the power of His spirit to make investments in them, listen to me, there'll be a ripple effect. That there'll be a downline, a legacy that can come through. Arrows that can change the world. Children are ours to love and guide into becoming healthy, productive, God-glorifying adults. Such a responsibility will humble the smart dad. He knows how inadequate he is for such a task. He knows that he needs God to succeed and that that reality will drive him to constantly call on God for his wisdom and help. I love General Douglas MacArthur's prayer. I want you to hear this. General Douglas MacArthur said about his son, build me a son, oh Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat and humble and gentle in victory. Build me a son, oh Lord, who wishes will not take the place of deeds, a son who will know Thee

and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge. Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and the spur of difficulties and challenge. Here, let him learn and stand up in the storm. Here, let him learn compassion for those who fail. Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goals will be high, a son who will master himself before he seeks to master others, who will reach into the future yet not forget the past. And after all these things, I add and pray enough of a sense of humor so that he will always be serious yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, and the meekness of true strength. Then I, his father, will dare to whisper, I have not lived my life in vain. That's the prayer that every one of us should desire. To send out sons and daughters that would flourish in such a way that would glorify God, be good for this world, you'll make no greater contribution in your lifetime on this planet. So give yourself to being that kind of better man. Take time with your group now to discuss and make adjustments. One more week. I'll see you back here next week.