BetterMan Core: Lesson 4

Well, men, welcome to session four, The Dad Factor. I am so honored to be on this journey with you, and I pray that week by week, man, that God is moving in your heart and in your mind, and you're starting to connect some dots. You've been addressing some issues and some trouble spots in your past. We're not just trying to get through the curriculum. We're trying to see our lives changed, trying to see God raise up men that can make a mark on this world, and you are those kind of men. I want to encourage you. There is a movement happening among men in our country right now. I know that we shared some bad news on the front side, but our king is on the move in a miraculous way in our day, and now you're a part of that. One of the things that we need to really understand is the role of dad. You might be thinking, dude, I am tired of you talking about dad by now. This is a change of gear today. Today's not as much about the role that dad had on us, but the opportunity that many of us will have to be a dad. Today we're going to see the importance of being a dad personally, most likely that the majority of the men that are watching this will get the privilege of carrying the greatest title you'll ever carry, dad. And honestly to me, the thought of what could happen during the course of this journey here, and what you might rightly begin to believe about your role as a dad, could have the greatest impact on this world that you can ever have. Why is dad so important? On the cover of Newsweek now, on the cover of a Newsweek magazine not long ago, was this statement. Think about this. On the front of it was this statement, dad is destiny. Dad is destiny. Inside of it, it says, science shows, science shows that a dad's chromosomes determine the sex of every baby boy or girl.

But far more important is the modern research that shows that a man's presence, that a man's presence in his family is the main factor in determining whether his little boy will have masculine traits, and his little girl, healthy feminine ones. Dad is destiny. That dad, his presence, helps bring about clarity for every son and daughter, more than just biology, but what they actually believe about themselves. Dad's chromosomes determine gender, dad's presence and instruction help determine traits for little boys and girls. Dads don't underestimate your role for a second. President Barack Obama said, upon all the rocks on which we build our lives, family is the most important, and we are called to recognize and honor how critical every father is to that foundation. The positive presence of a dad in a family shapes, in many ways, a healthy masculinity in his sons, and a healthy femininity in his daughters. As a father, this David Blankenhort statement, now I want you to hear this powerful quote, as a father, the good family man is not perfect. Anybody say amen? You're not perfect. There ain't a perfect man watching this. There's not a perfect man teaching this. But the good family man is not perfect, but he is good enough to be irreplaceable. He is good enough to be irreplaceable. He is the father on the premises. He knows that nothing, guys, hear me, nothing can substitute for him, nothing. He would never consider himself not important to his children. He is in fact, and if you are a dad, or one day will be a dad, he is in fact essential. That the power of presence, here I stand as your dad, in itself brings about a security for your children that we could never underestimate. Now the Old Testament, and surprisingly, with an important word about dads, I want you just to feel this.

If you've ever read the Bible, I'd encourage you to. We're going to talk more about that in a few weeks. If you've read the Old Testament specifically, you know it's a compilation of books that share God's story and a lot about His relationship with the Jews. Also talks about God's dealing with sin, promises to His people, ultimate desire for all mankind. Yet the Old Testament, in a very profound way, ends with a very specific promise. 39 books now. Hundreds of pages. And you get to some final words in Malachi. And you would expect, now if I was writing, you would expect it would say, Our God is God over all. Or maybe it would end with another Messianic promise. Another promise of the coming cross. But the last statement now is a statement about dads. And here's what it says in Malachi 4.6. Let me ask you a question. Do you think God wastes words? Do you think God, in writing one book He would give to all humanity as His love letter to say how much He loves and cares and desires to have a relationship, do you think God was wasting words in the way that He ended and closed the Old Testament? No. He knows, listen, a curse comes when dads don't fulfill their God-giving roles. But He also knows this, that families and societies can flourish when a dad fulfills their part. In a supernatural kind of way, the prophet is telling us in this moment, dads, you are essential to human flourishing on every level. And if dads can connect the dots for their families, we can see things happen and be what God intended. And if they don't, if they don't, the land feels cursed. The family feels cursed. Cursed in family breakdowns and breakups and problematic, troubled kids that become problematic, troubled adults. The Old Testament ends with a warning. And here's the warning. It's really clear. It's either good dads or bad society. That's it. It's either good dads or it's bad society. This is the way that life works. This is the law of God. At the foundation of every society is a father.

Society says it, listen to me, science says it, but the enduring wisdom of the Bible has always said it. So the Bible would agree with what Newsweek put on the front of their magazine. Dad is destiny. We're going to talk a lot about that today and one more time in our 11-week journey. Now, let's make the impact of dad personal. I want to give you some time to do this even right now. I want you to answer a question just right. Maybe one or two words or a phrase down that comes to mind. What one word, what one phrase comes to mind when you think about your dad? Write it down right now. We're going to share this later. What one word, one phrase comes to mind when you think about your dad? Now, second question. What words do you want to come to your children's mind when they have to answer that same question, let's say, 20 years from now about you? What one word or one phrase do you want them to write down about you? I know many of you are already dads that are on this journey. Many of you will one day be dads. And every man that I've ever met that is a dad desires to be a good dad. I don't know that I've ever heard of a man that held their child for the first time and thought, man, I really want to screw up this kid's life. Nobody does that. Everyone that's held their child has felt the responsibility. But the truth is there's three different types of dads. And we need to sort of understand which one we are, which ones we don't want to be, and which ones we're longing to live to be. There's three types of dads. One, there's the problematic dad. The problematic dad. Our society has had an increasing number of these kind of men that are clueless about fatherhood.

And what children really need from their dad. A problematic dad doesn't know how important he really is. He doesn't understand the framework of family. He doesn't believe that dad is truly destiny. The problematic dad underestimates his influence, man, or he limits his influence to maybe merely provision. But he doesn't understand he's much more than that. Their absence, their neglect, their irresponsibility, maybe their parenting ignorance, unleash pain, unleash dysfunctional and hurtful behaviors. And the long-lasting psychological wounds that a problematic dad brings to their children has changed our country. Over half of the fathers in America today, based off social science and studies, would be labeled as problematic. That's the first category, type of dad. The second is the good dad. Many dads want the best for their children, like they genuinely do. They seek to give it, meaning they might strive to provide or they want to at least give opportunities to their kids, but there is so much more to parenting than merely provision, opportunities, merely care. That's a great base to build from and a responsibility that the husband and the father does hold, but there's much more intentionality that is needed than that. Sometimes a good dad's efforts fail to give good results because they lack understanding around what it means to be a dad, that his words and actions, however sincere, may still fail to connect rightly with his child's heart, his emotions, his kid's critical needs in terms of affirmation, direction. Maybe the good dad doesn't know that he needs to help his children even understand things like gender and spiritual insight and life skills. As much as he tries to be a good dad, he can miss the mark and unintentionally hurt his kid.

The good dad needs more than merely good effort. Listen, he needs smart effort. So here's the third type, and this is the type we're calling you to be, the type of dad, the smart dad. The smart dad. Three things that the smart dads do that the problematic dad doesn't do and that the good dad doesn't do. One, the smart dad, he has acquired from various sources sound understanding of what his children need from him as a dad. Maybe that's books or maybe that's biblical resources, maybe that's seminars, maybe that's in his church family, he's went through specific equipping that he's put in the effort, that the smart dad has put in the effort to prepare to be the parent, that he's exerted some effort as dad to be a dad, that he has developed, it's so important now, he has developed an intentional dad plan for meeting those needs, that he actually has a plan. He's got an approach, a big picture plan of how he's going to cover the years he'll have his kids in his home with specific moments. It's a plan with practical specifics, it's key dates, with some measurable results. It's a plan, listen guys, that is practically written out and periodically reviewed. For dads in the house, listen to me, don't get intimidated by this. For those that are past maybe some of those prime parenting years, this can still be applied and modified in ways that can assure your role as a granddad maybe, or maybe for the men that you'll disciple and mentor as they become a dad. Things that someone special, listen, plus I want us to think about this now. For those of you that maybe have that special someone, you're not quite married yet, that you can look to them and say, I'm preparing to be a dad before I'm even a husband. That's going to make you a superhero dog. If you're looking to the eyes of your future spouse and say that you're preparing to be a dad even before you are one, it makes you unusual in this world and you should long to be that. So we're going to give you, man, and Better Man has provided something for you that is

absolute gold as it pertains to being a dad and you'll find it in your workbook. It's the Smart Dad Plan. It gives you some things. So I want you to look at it and let's really study it and then you're going to learn how to apply it. The smart dad knows some things about his son and daughter. He knows they have four primary needs. Here they are. That the smart dad knows that his son or daughter needs to see certain things in his dad, needs to receive some special things from his dad, needs to experience some memory making moments with dad, and needs to hear some heartfelt things from dad. That's what you have listed right there in front of you with a couple breakouts under each one. Across the top, I'm explaining this little grid that we've given you there, across the top you see 1-21 years of age because that's the primary years a parent has a certain kind of influence in their children's life. You'll see some stars and some circles and certain years that represent the special opportunities that you can have to have significant impact in the lives of your children. That's the plan, guys. On one sheet of paper is a plan for you to intentionally engage as a dad your sons and daughters. What I love about it, hear me, it's doable. It actually gives you a plan to win in parenting your child. So the plan has two key features. It's got the four needs. It's got the years to give some important attention to those moments. So let's walk through it a little bit. Let me help you get a grasp and feel it. One, to see. To see, the smart dad knows that his kids are watching and learning from his character. Not what dad said, but what dad did. Your kids need to see some things in you. Dad, you're a real-time movie that your children are watching. What they see in dad is what they'll leave home with. What they see in dad is what they'll leave home with. Proverbs says that the man that walks in integrity, how blessed is his sons after him. That the man who walks in integrity, how blessed is his son. Because you blazed a trail. It doesn't mean you have to be perfect. It means that you're good at repentance. You're good at saying to your children that you're also in need of grace and that you make mistakes, but that you're

moving toward things of the kingdom and you're striving to live a life that would be rightly reproducible. Second thing the smart dad knows is that his children needs to see him love his wife. 75% of good parenting is a good marriage. 75% of good parenting is a good marriage. Everything else is helpful, but how you first love and protect, communicate, resolve problems with your wife is some of the best parenting you'll ever do. Never, hear me men, never stop investing in your marriage because your children need to see that. To continually upgrade your marriage and to keep moving, they need to know you love their mom and it is awakening them in a desire for themselves one day in a spouse. So to see. Second thing they need to receive. To receive. A smart dad is an encourager. Man he's a life giver. He's not a life taker. He shows up on the scene of his children's life and he pours into them life, cheering them on instead of being critical every time. I see this in myself. I see this. I'm a dad of five kiddos from three to eleven at this stage when we videoed this and I can find that I can easily exasperate my kids, but what I long for is to be a life-giving fountain for my children. For my kid to know from me that I believe in them. For a child especially in the teenage years facing insecurity, your voice needs to be the voice of affirmation. What you see good in them, not just every fault, not to nitpick them, but what you see that is beautiful. That's the design of God. That is the nature of God being displayed in their makeup and who they are. They need some manhood instruction. If you have sons, you need to help bring some clarity to know listen if you're raising sons, they need to know the world of girls from you, not from this world. They need you to lean in and to be the voice that carries authority in that area of their life. They need to receive from you how to walk with God. They need to receive with you what it looks like for you to walk with God. I know our spiritual journey is very personal and intimate, but it needs to be shared. No shame no matter where you are in your spiritual journey. They could watch the progress of your walk with God from here to there over the next years and you, listen to me, you could blaze a trail for them into the presence of God. One of the greatest privileges in life, the ability to share the gospel with your kids. They need to receive the gospel from others, they need to receive it from you. So you might have to do the hard work of how you can rightly articulate the finished work of Jesus Christ to your sons and daughters. Do it. It's worth it. So they need to see, they need to receive, they need to experience, to have some one-on-one memories with your kids.

Now, when I tell stories, and I'm a storyteller by nature, when I tell stories to my kids at night, you know what they want to hear? Not just the mythical or the made up, we do that too, but they want to hear stories from my childhood. They want to hear stories of hunting trips and fishing trips and moments. You know what we're starting to have? Stories for ourselves, stories, moments with me and them. And each one of your children needs to experience some moments with you. Robert Lewis, actually the writer of this Better Man Core material, wrote a book called Raising a Modern Day Knight. It's an old book that's still got timeless truth that helped men understand these ceremonies, these moments that sons need to have with their dad. Listen to me, the same is true that daughters need to have with dad. They need to hear, so they need to receive. They need to experience, they need to hear. Jesus heard, I want you to think about this, Jesus, after his baptism, heard his father's voice here on earth, this is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased. If God the Father knew that the son needed to hear that, how much more so does our sons and daughters need to hear across the whole of their lives that they are loved, that they are treasured, that they are valued? They need to hear it from your heart to them over and over again. So here it is, guys, here's the plan. Here's the plan. It's things that they need to see, things that they need to receive, things that they need to experience, things that they need to hear, and a smart dad, he has committed himself to the dad plan follow through. Dad plan follow through. He knows that follow through best happens with other dads. He knows while this plan can't guarantee the results of how his children will turn out, he knows that it significantly increases the possibility of them to be flourishing human

beings. He regularly calls on God to help him be the best dad he can be, but when he fails, and he will, he asks God for grace and for his kids to forgive him, and his kids will learn through that. Healthy, well-adjusted sons and daughters don't just happen. Smart dads joined to God make it happen by God's power. So let me give you some helpful advice for fathers with parenting challenges because there's different dynamics out there watching this right now. There's all kinds of different scenarios and situations. Let me give you some helpful advice as we wrap up here. If you're a dad disconnected personally or emotionally from your son or daughter, just know this. If you're a dad, maybe there's been some things that happened, there's some water under the bridge. Know this. It is never too late. It is never too late to close the gap no matter how old they are. Maybe you need to be courageous when your kids are grown and you need to request a meeting. Maybe you need to be bold and declare your love to express some genuine sorrow over separation, to ask forgiveness where necessary, and to explore ways to move forward. I've watched older men with adult children see reconciliation in the latter parts of life, and it becomes a beautiful healing balm for that whole family. Reconnecting may require a series of meetings. Be open to that. Resist pressing for immediate reconciliation. Things were not broken in a moment. They're not always fixed in a moment. Be willing to go the long road to see true restoration with your son or daughter. Some more helpful advice, if you're a single dad through divorce or death or a dad with a blended family, I would encourage you, don't guess at your situation.

Instead, seek some outside help and wisdom to build a sound parenting strategy going forward. Know what it looks like for you to fulfill Deuteronomy 6.4, to raise your children, to walk with them along the way, all those things. Learn from some others that have lived through a similar situation. Find some godly people that can mentor you in the middle of your current situation. Maybe read some helpful books. Maybe talk to some successful single dads or blended family dads. Humble yourself. Ask for help. Let me give you some helpful advice to some sons that have a dad wound, that are watching this. Maybe it's time for you to approach Coach, we impact a lot of this in session two and three. Maybe it's time for you to approach your dad wound responsibly. Maybe it's time for you to sit down and find out your dad's story. Often, coming to know your dad's story helps you understand why he wounded you. Hurt people, hurt people. Maybe that's part that will give you a measure of grace for your dad. Maybe it's time that you admit the truth of your wound, admit to your dad, hey man, that season hurt. Those things hurt. But also what you feel like you lost as a son because he wasn't the dad that you hoped he would be. I wanna encourage you to approach your dad responsibly and choose, ready, to forgive him. Choose to forgive your dad. Choose to release your dad to God.

When I came across at 19 years old, outside of the call of salvation, the first thing I felt the Spirit of God say to me was, Kyle, forgive your dad. And I thought, man, that's too soon, too much in this relationship of ours. But over time, I decided to do that very thing, picked up the phone, called my dad at 19 years old, said, hey, I know we've covered some ground here in the last couple years, but I want you to know that Jesus has changed my life and I forgive you of our past. I forgive you of what's happened. Now, it wasn't immediate reconciliation. It started a two-decade journey to some ultimate reconciliation between him and God and us as well. But what God knew is this, you ready? Forgiving him was freedom for me. Forgiving him was freedom and it was a choice and it was one of the best choices I ever made. So would you be willing to do that and then release him to God? Say, God, now would you work in his life? Take the initiative with your dad. Don't wait for him to come to you. Instead, courageously step forward and seek reconciliation with him while you can. Ask your dad to bless you. If you've never heard him say, I love you

or I'm proud of you, would you go to him courageously? I mean this now, courageously and ask him for that blessing. Ask him, say, dad, I don't ever remember you saying these things. I need to hear them from you. He may need your help to unlock that in him. Reclaim the relationship you missed with your dad by becoming a smart dad that blesses your children. Break the cycle. Break the cycle and be the kind of dad that you know that you long to have and that you now get a chance to be. If you know a man who never knew his dad or a man who was rejected by his dad, I wanna encourage you with this. Considering asking some men, he admires to join you in coming together and speaking a special blessing of affirmation and admiration over his life. Every man needs to be blessed by other men. I wanna encourage you. Some of you men can be spiritual fathers that raise up future men that change the world. If you'd be willing to step into that and listen to me, by the power of the spirit, bless men with genuine admiration, genuine affection. Let them know what you see in them. Men, I wanna encourage you. Lean in with your time with them.

Answer these questions. Continue to take your better man question that's building for us something for the future. And I look forward to seeing you back here next week.