BetterMan Core: Lesson 3

Well, men, welcome back to week three of Better Man Quorum, and I am praying that you've already had some time to sit with the men that you're walking through this journey and to share your story. If you haven't yet and you still have time to do that, I want to encourage you, don't skip that step in this journey. You're going to need some time with men to unpack where you've come from, what those moments look like in your past and moving into the future, because we've got a lot to learn together. But let me help us understand sort of the journey we're on. Let me outline our better man journey. One understanding the present was session one, really sound the alarm. This is the state of manhood in America, factually, like where we are in this moment, reviewing the times that we live in. What we're going to look at in sessions five through 10 is envisioning the future by defining a life giving manhood, offering some specific personal how to's for living it out in this 21st century, man. So listen, sessions five through 10, we're going to get us a definition that we can hold on to and live out the rest of our life where we are currently now is addressing the past. Sessions two through four. We started that last week. We're going to lean into it a little bit more this week in session three, and then we're going to start to bridge out of it in session four. Addressing parts of our past can feel difficult. And I'm telling you, I know you might be feeling that churning within. There's a part of us that's even overwhelming to men. But addressing the past is essential to building a better, more stable manhood. So don't back down from the challenge. I've found men, when rightly called in a life giving way, will rise to the challenge. So men, rise up to this moment and help come to understand yourself better so we'll be better prepared when we get the definition to live into the future.

So let me give you two action steps for addressing the past. One, looking back, examining our past. Take the time to tell our stories to each other. Hopefully you did that last week. If not, it's not too late to set a time to help connect the dots between the past and the present, making better sense of why we are the way that we are. Now today I want to talk about, listen, B here, unpacking, engaging our trouble spots. Engaging our trouble spots. We must intentionally look for trouble spots from our past that are alive and active in our lives today. Let me give you a definition. A trouble spot, any unresolved issue from the past where the lack of closure adversely impacts and shapes the direction and dynamics of a man's life right now. Guys, we got to courageously step into any trouble spot we find and seek to resolve it. It's going to take courage to walk right at it, to move right toward those trouble spots. In some cases, it's going to take some counsel. It's going to take the help and the support of others. If manhood is a journey and better man is a map, which I believe that it is, you still need a guide. Say that again. If manhood is a journey and better man is a map, saying like, here's where the journey lies based off God's word, here's where you need to go, you still need a guide. It may be someone that can just help you for a season through your trouble spot, fellas. It may not be someone that you're sitting in that circle with even now. It's not running from it anymore. It's not ignoring it, but engaging it. Don't let the past define your future anymore. Let's do something with it. If you've ever moved, we just got through doing this not long ago, if you've ever moved, you realize maybe a couple of things when you get to that moving moment from one house

to another, whatever situation that might be, maybe you get up in the attic and you find stuff and you're thinking, why has this not been a part of our lives? Like for dude, you're a man, like why did we put this up here? I need this now. It's like finding treasure. The other side of it is when you move, you look around and you go, why do we still have this? You know that it has served no practical purpose in your life right now, nor will it ever in the future. Well, man, unpacking our soul is much like that. If you could get way down deep inside, you'll find things that linger there. that doesn't need to be alive anymore. That needs to be rightly dealt with. So let me give you some common trouble spots that undercut our manhood. Common trouble spots. Going back to this again, we keep hammering on it because it's so true. One is the dad wound. That's a common trouble spot. It's impossible to overstate the impact of a dad on a son's life. Whatever your dad was like, whatever your dad was like, know this, that when you grew up, when you left home, you didn't leave your dad behind. He went with you as feelings and impressions that you now carry within yourself. Some of us had a dad that set us up really well for life, launched you into a life that had emotional and directional stability. Good for you. Good for you and good for your dad. Please don't take that for granted. Express some gratitude to your dad today. Some of us, though, didn't have what we truly needed. It could have come in many forms. Maybe the form of abandonment. Maybe major disappointment. Maybe conflict or rejection. Maybe over-controlling in a way that took life from you. Maybe you felt like he never quite measured up or maybe there was just an overall lack of connection. You never felt maybe like he was proud of you, loved you. Some here have had buckets of shame showered on you, even by your dad. Fellas, listen. If you had a dad like that, I got a promise for you. Unless you've dealt with it, it's most likely troubling your life. A lot of hurt in

men's lives today comes from an absent dad. Everclear, a pretty famous band back in the day, literally wrote this lyric in a song called Father of Mine. Hear this. It's pretty radical, but hear the soul cry of this band leader. It says, Daddy gave me a name and then he walked away. I'll never be safe. I'll never be sane. I'll always be weird inside. I'll always be lame. Daddy gave me a name, then he walked away. Daddy gave me a name, then he walked away. Beyond all the noise and the musical lyrics and hitting everything right, you got to hear the soul cry of this songwriter. That every one of us long for things that were meant to be given by dad. Absent dads often bring about trouble spots. One of them might be too much mom. This can lead sons in two different directions. When a mom's having to fill the void of a dad's presence in her life, that meant that oftentimes sons will become either overly dependent on women, one response, or overly dominant towards women. A mom trying to fill the void or trying to shape a young man can lead to some significant confusion. So there's that. There's the dad wound. Another trouble spot is a lack of a clear manhood vision. I know we're coming back to this over and over again, but we're setting the landscape. Manhood is not something you just know. Manhood is not something that just happens. Without a vision for manhood, it will affect how we walk into marriage. Without a vision for it, without clarity how you're gonna walk into marriage, how you're gonna raise your sons, how you're gonna raise your daughters, how you're gonna raise your children. Without a clear vision for a man's role in work, we don't know what's the end goal here. Is it just make more money or is there something more? And there is something more. Many of us are in trouble and don't know it. We're gonna spend three weeks speaking to all those areas in our life. Here's the truth. Real manhood is taught. It's a learned lifestyle. You see it modeled in men. Like real manhood, you see it modeled. You see a man and you go, wait a second. There's something that's right about there. There's something that's noble. There's something that's life-giving about that. Real manhood is talked about by real men. It's received through skills and practice that you learn from other men. If you've missed some specific

instructions and part of these things for men, it can easily become a trouble spot. No man becomes a better man without other men. We were made to live in this thing together. to sharpen each other, to encourage each other, to call each other up and push each other out to more. Another common trouble spot is unprocessed trauma. In wartime, we know this, we've heard of these studies before, in wartime soldiers often come home and they might struggle with PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, but in life, in general, there's oftentimes significant trauma that's not really addressed in the heart of a man. Many men that are watching this even now, maybe you've had the significant loss of a loved one and it left a mark. Maybe you lost a parent, maybe you lost a sibling, maybe you lost a family member, maybe it was a trauma of another type, maybe you lost inside of the marriage dynamic, your mom and dad, you lost one of your parents because someone was unfaithful, maybe someone left, maybe you lost a friend, maybe you had the trauma, hear me now, of growing up in poverty, maybe you grew up in some level of shame, maybe your life got turned upside down in some season and you never really got your bearings again, maybe it awakened in you some questions, why me? Maybe it awakened in you, where is God? And all these things. Trauma breeds in a man fear, it breeds in a man religious cynicism, it breeds in a man dark feelings of insecurity and mistrust, anxiety, loneliness, and more. Ongoing negative feelings from trauma usually need the help of others to resolve what's really going on in my inner world. Now one of my favorite movies is Tombstone, all the dudes out there, come on now, right? I mean if you haven't watched that yet and I strongly encourage that great western movie, but in Tombstone there's a moment where White Earp's soon to face Johnny Ringo and Doc Holliday's laid up in the bed sort of sick in that moment and he knows he's going to have to face him and White Earp walks into the room where Doc Holliday's laying down and he asks you a question, he goes, what makes a man like Johnny Ringo? What makes him do what he does? What does he really want? And he says something, Doc Holliday says something about Johnny Ringo, says there's a great big hole right through the middle of him, he can never inflict enough pain to fill it. White Earp says what does he want? And Doc Holliday says he wants revenge. Revenge for what? For being born. That Johnny Ringo was living out what he's trying to articulate, out of some pain of living on this planet, he was living out this horrendous life. So I know that's pretty dramatic, and I'm not saying any man that's watching this is

Johnny Ringo per se, but guys we will respond to in our life trauma that's experienced at any level of life and we need it. It can harden a man. It breeds insecurity, fear, the need for control, or a myriad of other responses. A lot of us have had real trauma and because of that we have real trust issues, maybe with people, maybe with God. Instead of addressing that broken place, we let it shape our beliefs. It's a trouble spot. Let me give you another trouble spot. Addictive habits. That's a trouble spot. The big three, alcohol, drugs, pornography. This trouble often starts early. Hear me now. Often starts early in life, then it stays late. Starts early, stays late. Maybe it starts in middle school or high school. Maybe it's something you looked at on a computer screen one time. Maybe it's a pill you popped from a medicine drawer. Maybe it's alcohol you had someone buy. Habits that aren't dealt with don't go away. They grow. They don't go away. They don't get better. They get bigger. The habit starts to tell the person what to do. It will demand more and more attention. All of us have experienced this in one way or another, I believe. Here's the truth. Every man needs freedom from something. What is those areas in your life? What could be a possible trouble spot? If you're nursing a secret habit that was born in the past, but is controlling you in the present. Hear me. It's a trouble spot. It's a real trouble spot. 90% of adults that are addicts started using their addictive substance before age 18. Proverbs 25, 28 says, Like a city that is broken into without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit. This trouble spot comes with a big lie. Man, I can handle it. I can handle it. And then it grows, and it becomes a ticking time bomb. Guys, hear me. Let some others into that trouble spot. Another trouble spot is the fact that you might not have close friends. That's a trouble spot. No close friends. Isolation is at best unhealthy and at worst deadly. The guy that mentored me said, and it stuck with me early, that the enemy wants to isolate you, to assassinate you. If you find yourself living life all alone, you're in big trouble. Because truth is, real manhood is a team sport. Real manhood takes other men. That's why Ecclesiastes 4 verses 9 and 10 says, Two are better than one, for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the man who falls when there's not another to lift him up. Every man needs at least one close friend. Proverbs 18, 24, there's a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Listen, I wouldn't be standing here if it wasn't for friends that were there for me when I needed them. And there's few things that are a greater privilege than to be able to be the kind of friend just

with others. I said this before. I'll say it again. Every branch of our military has a buddy system because no one should go to war alone. And you're living in a war zone. You're living in a world that is at war. And that war is spiritual. And that war is real. And you need brothers to go on the journey with you. Another trouble spot is that you're spiritually stuck. A pursuit of a spiritual life is the biggest part of a better manhood. Listen to me. You were made for more. You were made for a relationship with God. And so men, I'm telling you, we're going to move toward this in deeper levels in the weeks ahead. But I want to just say to you, eyeball to eyeball right now, heart to heart in this moment. Listen to me. Many men have a huge trouble spot that they're spiritually stuck, that they've never listened to me, took the next right step in their spiritual journey. It's time to take it. It's time to see where you are and to move forward in your relationship with God. To some men, a spiritual life is at best boring. At worst, it's a trouble spot. You might ask questions. Why would a loving God let this happen? Why have believers betrayed me? Maybe you've had a hard season spiritually or a bad church experience. Maybe you said you trusted God, but it didn't work. Or maybe your parents, hear me, were spiritual fakes. They put on a good facade, but when the door shut, man, they're a whole different kind of people. Maybe you struggle with doubts about God. Maybe religion ruined some things for you. Listen to me, men. If that's your mindset, that's a trouble spot. And the enemy wants to use it, listen to me, to destroy your life. So how do you engage these trouble spots? I just gave them to you. I hope you marked any of those, man, maybe indicated, hey, this is something I need to think about some more. So let me give you a few ways to address your trouble spots. One is you got to name it. You cannot defeat an enemy that you will not name. If you won't, listen, if you won't define what that enemy, what that trouble spot is, you can't overcome it. I hope to see some men courageously call out these trouble spots that in your group, man, you get courageous. Let me tell you about this area. I think it's a real trouble spot in my own soul. It starts by naming it. And listen, men, it starts right now when you get serious about it during this session, during this time with your small group. You name it, and then you got to share it. There's something powerful about sharing it. I know there's a huge measure of breakthrough that comes by merely saying, hey, guys, I think that this is a trouble spot. I think that this is a place that is a pain for me. It's something that I can't seem to find freedom from. It's something that I'm carrying. It's something

that I'm feeling. On the other side of our confession is great compassion. On the other side of our willingness to say we need help is help. I love what Proverbs 11, 14, says in the abundance of counselors what? Their safety. Their safety. Proverbs 13 20 says, He who walks with the wise will be wise. James 5 16 says, Confess your sins to one another. Pray for one another that you may be healed. That confession met by prayer brings about healing. That if you will say it, let others pray for you in it. That God is saying I will move through it. If you are open and transparent with others, you have the opportunity to become the best version of yourself. Last way that you address a trouble spot is to engage it. Because now that you've named it, now that you've shared it, it's time to engage it. To get a plan together with trusted family members and friends that are willing to support you. To take action. To courageously address that trouble spot as planned. To call on God for help. Now you say, listen, now we just don't want to say it. And then have to come back the next week and say it again. And come back the next week. No, no. Now that we said it, man, you know what? I got a dad wound here I need to deal with. I got an addictive habit right here that I need to deal with. I don't have a clarity in a manhood vision. Well, how are we going to engage that trouble spot? Maybe we'll go seek some help. Maybe we're going to go express forgiveness. We'll get into some of those things. Maybe we're going to bring about confession and change some habits. Maybe we're going to shut the computer and put it away. Maybe we're going to break some cycles here. Get with some other men to help build a plan, a war strategy. Then not just say it, man. Remember, we're going to do something with it. Psalm 46.1 says, God is our refuge and strength. He's a very present help in time of trouble to refuse to run from what's hard. Legendary coach Nick Saban said, if you can't overcome hard, you're never going to have any great victories in your life. That hard things come, guys. We don't get to choose. Some of those things happen to us. Some of those things happen because of decisions that we made. The question is, what are we going to do with those areas? Will we aggressively, courageously name it, share it, and engage in it? I want to encourage you now, if

you'll take some time with those that you're in this small group with to identify those trouble spots with each other and share it. Then start to build a plan and how to engage it. Take time with your better man question. You're building something week after week, week after week. We're in this season right here that we're finding freedom from our past, but our future is quickly coming. Go all the way in. I can't wait to meet with you again next week for our next session.