The Anatomy of Shame | Kyle Idleman

- Well, hey, Pando family, welcome to November. We are so grateful that of all the places, of all the churches you could have clicked on on your Pando tablet, on the app to watch and worship today that you chose to be with us here at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky. My name is Derek. I'm our online campus pastor for Southeast Online. And again, so grateful that you specifically are here with us today. And no matter where you are in the country, we would love to invite you to take a next step of writing us and letting us know how we can be praying for you. One of the ways that we can come alongside you in this season of life is to be praying about the things that you have going on, not only circumstantially in your life, but also what's going on in your heart and in your mind and thought process and how we can be praying, about all of those things for you. We'd love to do that. To find the address to our church, all you have to do is click on this video and find it in the description of this worship service. But also, we would hope that you would take another next step to actually subscribe to our Southeast Christian Church channel. If you didn't know, there's over 36,000 of you that worship with us every single week,

either worship with us, watch our podcasts, do a Bible study with us, and we do all of these things for the simple reason, actually for two reasons. Number one, we love you. We wanna see you grow in your relationship with Christ. And number two, we want to help you learn more about scripture and know how you can specifically follow Jesus each and every day of your life. Which is why I'm really excited about today's message. It's a brand new sermon series, Pastor Kyle. We'll be bringing to us is from Genesis chapter three. It's called No Shame November. And he's gonna be talking about the anatomy of shame, where for a lot of us, we tend to think about the things that we have done and the guilt that's come from that. And we've just kind of taken on the identity of being a bad person, feeling that no one loves us, no one likes us, no one wants to be around us. But what Jesus tells us is that he's forgiven us, he's paid the penalty for our sin and our mistakes. And he wants us to walk in newness of life. So I really do think this is gonna be an impactful message for you today, I know it was for me. So y'all, prepare your hearts as we go and worship together. (upbeat music) - Does anyone come to worship Jesus today? Does anybody thinkful for the blood of Jesus today?

Come on, let's celebrate, put your hands together. (upbeat music) ♪ Whoa, we pick you for your body ♪ ♪ Can we pick you for your body ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ I'm free ♪ ♪ Sam would've stayed on me ♪ ♪ But shame was running deep ♪ ♪ The love was built on Calvary ♪ ♪ Oh, Hallelujah, I'm free ♪ ♪ God, how can it be ♪ ♪ I'm raspomed and redeemed ♪ ♪ I'm standing in your victory ♪ ♪ Oh, Hallelujah, I've been washed in the water ♪ ♪ Washed in the blood, I'm as good as me ♪ ♪ Oh, Hallelujah, I've been washed in the water ♪ ♪ Washed in the blood, oh, because of you ♪ ♪ I think I'm clean of you ♪ ♪ It's not what I have done ♪ ♪ But what you've done for me ♪ ♪ You've made it all up on the tree ♪ ♪ Oh, Hallelujah, I'm clean ♪ ♪ Your love has overcome ♪ ♪ You may see it's the dream ♪ ♪ I'm standing in your victory ♪ ♪ I've been washed in the water ♪ ♪ Washed in the blood, I'm as good as me ♪ ♪ Oh, Hallelujah, I've been washed in the water ♪ ♪ Washed in the blood, oh, because of you ♪

♪ I've seen it again, I've been washed in the water ♪ ♪ Washed in the blood, I think oh, Hallelujah, I've been washed in the water ♪ ♪ Washed in, oh, because of you ♪ ♪ Oh, Hallelujah, come on, you see ♪ ♪ 'Cause you took away my shit ♪ ♪ And hanging there to the cross ♪ ♪ You got me running out the grave ♪ ♪ Oh, Hallelujah, you took it away ♪ ♪ Because you took away my shit ♪ ♪ And hanging there to the cross ♪ ♪ You got me running out the grave ♪ ♪ Oh, Hallelujah, you took it away ♪ ♪ And you're mad at 'til that old road get cold ♪ ♪ Got me running out the tree ♪ ♪ See, hardly a year ago ♪ ♪ 'Cause you took away ♪ ♪ Get mad at 'til the crawl ♪ ♪ Got me running, got me running, got me running ♪ ♪ Only a year ago ♪ ♪ Only a year ago ♪ ♪ Only a year ago ♪ ♪ Only a year ago ♪ ♪ Only a year ago ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪ ♪ Hey, hey ♪ ♪ Beat you for your pain ♪ ♪ Beat you for your pain ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪ ♪ Only a year ago ♪ ♪ Only a year ago ♪

♪ Only a year ago ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Hey, thank you, Jesus ♪ ♪ I'm shaking off the heaviness ♪ ♪ I'm dancing out of my regrets ♪ ♪ I'm throwing caution to the wind ♪ ♪ No, I am not ashamed to praise like this ♪ ♪ Someone saying it's foolishness ♪ ♪ But I say it's worth the risk ♪ ♪ I can't forget what Jesus did ♪ ♪ No, I am not ashamed to praise like this ♪ ♪ Where are those shapes that was healthy ♪ ♪ I'm free, I'm free, I'm free, I'm free ♪ ♪ My sin is gone, how can it be ♪ ♪ I'm free, I'm free, I'm free, I'm free ♪ ♪ And looking what the Lord has done ♪ ♪ I'm never going back to the way I was ♪ ♪ I'm seeing all this 'cause I believe ♪ ♪ I'm free, I'm free, thank God I'm free ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ I found a friend that never quits ♪ ♪ No one loves as good as this ♪ ♪ If I don't care what anyone says ♪ ♪ I'll never be ashamed to praise like this ♪ ♪ Where are those shapes that was healthy ♪ ♪ I'm free, I'm free, I'm free ♪ ♪ My sin is gone, how can it be ♪ ♪ I'm free, I'm free ♪

♪ And looking what the Lord has done ♪ ♪ I'm never going back to the way I was ♪ ♪ I'm seeing all this 'cause I believe ♪ ♪ I'm free, I'm free, thank God I'm free ♪ ♪ You took the cross and you broke your body ♪ ♪ You said you're blind, now the sinner can't see ♪ ♪ My dad was played in my record in school ♪ ♪ I couldn't do it so you did it for me ♪ ♪ You took the cross and you broke your body ♪ ♪ You said you're blind, now the sinner can't see ♪ ♪ My dad is paid in my record in school ♪ ♪ I couldn't do it, you took the cross ♪ ♪ You said you're blind, my dad is blind ♪ ♪ I couldn't do it ♪ ♪ Oh my God, I can't do it ♪ ♪ Oh my God, I can't do it ♪ ♪ Oh my God, I can't do it ♪ ♪ Oh my God, I can't do it ♪ ♪ Oh my God, I can't do it ♪ ♪ Where are those chains that was held me ♪ ♪ I'm free, I'm free, I'm free ♪ ♪ My sin is gone, how can it be ♪ ♪ I'm free, I'm free, I'm free ♪ ♪ They're looking what the Lord has done ♪ ♪ I'm never going back to the way I was ♪ ♪ I'll sing all day as good as I believe ♪ ♪ I'm free, I'm free, thank God ♪ ♪ You took the cross and you broke your body ♪ My dad is paid and my red dirt is cool I couldn't do it, you've got the proof

You shed your blood My dad is pain I couldn't do it Only got control And come to me, Jesus Only got control Only got control Only got control Amen, Amen We are so thankful for the freedom that we have in Jesus, amen? Amen, why don't you take a seat? Amen, amen On December 3, my wife and I will celebrate nine years being married I'm just really grateful I remembered that date right now You know, I remember when I bought my wife's engagement ring And I was in a really small apartment And I took that little box and I just shoved it in the top of my closet I don't know who I was hiding it from But every morning, I would get up I'd go pull away all the clothes and I'd pull out that ring And I'd just look at it One week, turn into two weeks, turn into two months And I'd just every morning, like that was my ritual And if you were on the outside looking in, you'd probably think, like, this is odd Like, why is this grown man just looking at this piece of metal And a not very expensive rock And the reality was, like, if you thought I was just looking at the ring Like, that would be a little odd But the reality is, is that I wasn't looking at the ring

I was looking at the relationship Like, I was looking forward to the day where two people would become one Like, where a covenant relationship would be formed And where I would be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I loved I promise you, I was not infatuated with that ring I was thinking about the relationship that would come I think in a much greater way Like, that's the beauty of communion Every week here at Southeast, we slow down and as a part of our worship We take these elements They're symbolic These elements are a little cracker that represents Christ's body that was broken for us And the juice that represents Christ's blood that was poured out for us And I think if you're on the outside looking in, I think the temptation would be to believe that we're just Worshiping these elements And let me assure you Like, we are not worshiping these elements, we're worshiping the relationship That these elements represent How there was a good God The creator of the universe who humbled himself And he came to this earth He lived a sinless life He died a sinner's death The Bible says that he was dead for three days But he didn't stay in the grave But he rose again and when he rose He gave the opportunity for you to have eternal life And so for those of us who have trusted in Jesus For those of us who have been baptized into him We get to experience the greatest relationship ever

We get to experience eternal life With a God who loves us I love what 1 Corinthians 11 says This is the Lord Jesus on the night When he was betrayed took bread When he had given thanks He broke it and said this is my body which is for you Do this in remembrance of me In the same way also he took the cup After supper saying this cup is the new covenant in my blood Do this as often as you drink it in remembrance of me For as often as you eat this bread And drink the cup you proclaim the Lord's death Until he comes And so today If you're a follower of Jesus If you've said yes to a relationship with him And have been baptized I want to encourage you Would you worship with me as we take communion together Let's remember Jesus Big no mistake We are not worshipping the elements We're worshiping Jesus. Let's take communion together. (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music)

(soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) (soft piano music) And all the reasons why to paint my senses Raises the light up, we think you're gone All the reasons why to paint my senses

Hand raises the light up from the dead We think you're gone Oh, my, oh, oh It's my testimony, God How you saved my life and you set me free, God Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh So Jesus painted on You're no two in my own Sin, I'd left the crimson stain He walked in a whitest song, listened together So Jesus painted on Oh, oh, oh Sin, I'd left the crimson stain He walked in a whitest song So sin had left the crimson stain He walked in a whitest song God, we, on this day, praise you Because you paid it off through Jesus But even as we sing those words, the truth is Some of us are still trying to pay for some things ourselves Some of us are carrying some things that you've already carried to the cross So God, as we begin this series on shame, we pray that you, by your power, would set us free from sin and shame And Jesus, today, on this International Day of Prayer, we come to you On behalf of our brothers and sisters around the world who are suffering because they're persecuted And we confess that sometimes we forget these siblings of ours And we get caught up in our own lives and our own problems and our own comforts And we forget that there are Christians gathering in secret today There are believers who've lost their jobs and they've been rejected by families And they've been imprisoned and beaten and killed because they refuse to deny your name

And so, Lord, we pray for this persecuted church, for the pastor who's preaching today Knowing he could be arrested for what he says, give him courage God, for the mother and father who are trying to raise their children to follow Jesus In a place where following Jesus is going to bring their child's suffering, give them strength And God, we pray for the young believer whose family has rejected them because of their faith Remind them that they have been adopted into your family God, we pray for those sitting in prisons right now, not because of what they've done They didn't do anything wrong, they just refused to stop doing what was right And worshiping you, Lord, would you let them know that you see them, that they have not been forgotten? And God, we pray that you would protect them, and we pray that you would open prison doors And you would change the hearts of those in power Lord, would you allow those brothers and sisters to remain faithful to give them courage? God, please, give them courage to love those who hate them To forgive those who hurt them, to proclaim the name of you Jesus, even when it costs them everything And God, we pray for those who persecute them That the very people who are trying to silence the gospel would be transformed by its power And God, we pray for this persecuted church, and we pray for our church God, don't let us just admire their courage, but let it help us examine our own commitment We don't want to just celebrate their faithfulness while being casual about our own God, when we're tempted to stay silent because following you might cost us someone's approval Would you remind us of our brothers and sisters who follow you at the cost of their own freedom, their own lives? And God, when we're tempted to compromise because obedience is costly Would you just remind us that there are many who obey even when it's dangerous And so make us bold and make us grateful and make us faithful. who is with those who suffer, and will one day put an end to suffering once and for all. We pray in His name, amen, amen. May be seated. Before we jump into the sermon, I do wanna remind you that today is the International Day

of Prayer for the persecuted church. Next year, 70% of our international missions budget will go to the least reached and most persecuted places on the planet. So just know that as a church, you are on the front lines of loving and caring for our brothers and sisters and persecuted countries around the world that with your giving and with your generosity, that we are showing the love of Jesus to the persecuted church in very tangible ways and let it just be a time for us to be humble in our own convictions. Like, I mean, I wanna call anybody out. But I know there are probably some of you who fight in traffic on the way in here. We're like, this just isn't worth it. And they may be on this day of remembering the persecuted international church. It would just be good for us to be reminded of sacrifices that get made by believers around the world so that they can gather together in basements, knowing that their lives are threatened. And so we wanna pray for them and we wanna learn from them as well. And as we pray for them, I also wanted to remind us not to take our own freedoms for granted. This Tuesday is election day. I just wanna encourage you to vote. Like we live in a country where we have the freedom to worship and the freedom to speak,

the freedom to participate in choosing our own leaders. And those are extraordinary privileges. And so as believers, we recognize that Jesus is Lord of our lives, every area. And that includes how we vote. So we don't separate faith from politics anymore than we separate faith from finances. And so vote in a way that aligns with biblical convictions and truth this week. Like as followers of Jesus pray for the persecuted church, vote and be grateful that you get to have these freedoms and then be mindful of those around the world who don't have those kinds of freedoms. This week, we're starting a new series called No Shame November. Which, look, I'm aware is one letter away from something some of you participate in every year. No shave November. My heart goes out to the guys who participate in No Shave November. Nobody notices, I'm sorry, that's hard. Like you've been doing No Shave November since the 90s and nobody's noticed. But here's the connection. No shave November is a change on the outside. And it takes a while for people to notice it. But eventually, like it changes how you see yourself and it changes how people around you see you. No shame November is a change on the inside. And at first, people don't notice, but after a while,

it changes how you see yourself and it changes how other people see you. But not everybody's gonna love it when you say no to shame in your life. Because listen, the person who carries shame in some ways is more controllable, more compliant, less likely to push back, less likely to ask for anything, less likely to have their own voice. And some of you know it. 'Cause you grew up in a home where shame was the management system. It wasn't yelling. It was this constant disappointment in criticism. Or maybe it's in your marriage where one of you has learned that shame is like a currency. And if they can keep something you did on a ledger, they can win every argument for it even starts. And so it's constant criticism and comparison and always bringing up the past. Or maybe, and I hate to say this, but maybe it was a church. Because shame is one of the most effective short-term motivators on the planet. And for some of you, this has been your arrangement with church. I'll come, you make me feel bad about myself. I'll tell you it was great sermon. Come back next week, you make me feel even worse. And so, what we don't always recognize about shame and what we'll discover in this series is it's just behind so much. It's behind our anger and addictions.

It's behind our perfectionism and people pleasing. It's behind our defensiveness and resentment, our anxieties, our fears, shame. And so the question I want you to wrestle with this month is what would your life look like if you spend 30 days without shame? The truth is most of us really have no idea what we would look like because we don't realize to what degree shame is driving our lives. But we're gonna learn that together. We're gonna start off by just understanding shame a little better. The title of this message is The Anatomy of Shame. If you went to an anatomy class and you opened up a textbook, you would discover there's a lot more to your body than like this thing we walk around in. Like it's complicated, it's way more complicated 60,000 miles of blood vessels, tens of trillions of cells. But when you look at a person, you don't really see any of it. All you see is skin. And that's the challenge with anatomy. Surface doesn't really tell you much about what's happening underneath. And so for centuries, people didn't understand anatomy of the body, and so they practiced things like bloodletting, right? Like for everything, from a fever to a headache to a stomach bug, they just drained some blood.

They didn't understand anatomy, so they tried to treat it, but actually would just make things worse. Shame is like that when we don't understand it. In December of 1799, George Washington developed a severe throat illness, and his physicians treated him with repeated bloodletting. They took lots of blood from the seriously ill 67 year old man, and he died the following night. They're not positive what caused the death, but that didn't help, right? Like, they just didn't understand the anatomy of it, so they didn't know how to treat it, and they were actually making it worse. And when it comes to shame, most of us don't understand how it works, and so when we treat it, we don't treat it the right way, we sometimes treat shame with shame, feeling shameful about your shame, and it just makes things worse. Most people would define shame by reaching for the near synonym. They would think of it as embarrassment, or guilt, or regret, or feeling bad about themselves. But that's kind of like being asked about the human anatomy and saying, "Skin, well, there's a lot more to it than that." And we'll unpack it together. I want us to start by looking at the first account of human shame in Genesis chapter three. We went through Genesis at the beginning of the year. You could spend a whole year in this one chapter of Genesis three.

If you're not familiar with the story, by this time God has created Adam and Eve, placed them in the garden, and their relationship with God and with each other is free of shame. Genesis two ends by saying they were both naked, but they felt no shame. And that is the last time in the Bible a human being is described that way, where there's no hiding and there's no managing and there's no performing. And then the serpent enters the picture and questions God's goodness, attempts them to disobey the one command God had given them. And Eve eats from the tree. She ends the fruit to Adam. And then the very next thing the Bible tells us is that something happened inside of them. Like something changes inside of them. Shame enters the picture and it changes how they see themselves and how they see each other. Chapter three verse seven. Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they realized that they were naked. And so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. So notice what happens. They do something. It's behavior related. They disobey and they eat the fruit. But how do they deal with that?

They deal with it by covering themselves. So they're treating the behavior by trying to hide their identity. The problem was with what they did, but then they respond by covering who they are. And this is where guilt turns into shame. And if you want to understand shame, you have to know the difference between the two. We'll spend a fair amount of time on it next week, but let me just touch on it. Like guilt is about behavior. I did something wrong. And guilt can be good because it can lead you to conviction. It can lead you towards change. I feel guilt. I'm convicted. And so I apologize or I repair or I confess. I do something different. But shame is different. Shame's about identity. Guilt says, I did something wrong. Shame says I am wrong. I am something wrong. Like guilt is convicting. Shame is condemning. Guilt says you made a mistake. Shame says you are a mistake. And if you try to treat shame like guilt, it's like bloodletting doesn't help. It just makes things worse. So how do we know it's shame?

Well, Genesis 3 tells us what shame does to us first. Shame makes us cover up. Like before sin entered the picture, they were naked and unashamed, but now their first instinct is to cover up. Covering up is managing what people see. It's presenting this version of yourself that people will accept. It's making sure people see your strengths, but not your insecurities. That they see your successes, that they don't see your failures. And some of us have been covering up for so long. Like we don't even know we're doing it. It's the only way of life we've ever lived is to constantly cover up. And so think about some of the fig leaves that we cover up with these days. Your career can be a fig leaf. Well, that's how you hide. Your house can be a fig leaf. A version of you that shows up a church can be a fig leaf. You're carefully curated image on social media. Like you put up a picture that presents this version of yourself, but your marriage is hanging on by a thread, and you're secretly battling this addiction, but you're keeping covered in fig leaves. Got a lot of fig leaves. Look what happens next in verse eight of Genesis three.

It says, "Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord. They hid among the trees of the garden." Second thing about shame is shame makes us hide. Now at first, when you see this, like this sounds a lot like covering up. That covering up, you're willing to be seen as long as you decide what people see, but when you hide, you don't want to be seen at all. So covering up says, "Yeah, how am I gonna control what you see, but it won't be the real me." Hiding says, "I'm not gonna let you get close enough to see me at all." So you might have a hundred friends, but nobody really sees you, you're always hiding. I don't really know you. Maybe you lead a small group, but you never tell them what you're struggling with. Maybe you've been married for 20 years and there's parts of you that you've just never let your spouse see. And here's the tragedy of dealing with shame this way is that you end up oftentimes spending your whole life wanting to be loved while making it almost impossible for anybody to know you. Because shame tells you if people knew you, they wouldn't love you. And so you never let them know you and then you wonder why you don't feel loved.

My wife has this thing that she likes to do when we're with some of our couple friends and she calls it checking in. And checking in is when we sit in this circle and we go around and everybody has to tell what they're feeling. And I can tell you how the men feel about checking in. But we participate and she has this thing called a feeling wheel. So Charlie was like 900 emotions on it. And you can be sad and angry and anxious and overwhelmed and vulnerable and insecure and abandoned and grateful. Like the list goes on hundreds of ways to feel. But here's what I've discovered. There's one feeling that's not on the feeling wheel. It's my favorite feeling, fine. It's not on there. Like I've looked. It's my favorite way to feel. And apparently, fine's not a feeling. I've been feeling that way for 50 years. But here's what's interesting. We say we're fine because we don't necessarily know what we're feeling. But sometimes we say we're fine because we know what we're feeling. We just don't want anybody else to know. And that's shame telling you to hide behind your fine. If I tell you I'm insecure, I'm gonna feel even more insecure.

If I tell you I'm afraid I've given you something you can use against me. If I tell you I'm ashamed then I feel ashamed of my shame. I feel exposed. So how are you feeling? I'm fine. I wanna hide behind my fine. And then we wonder why what we actually feel so oftentimes is just alone. It's all connected. And verse 10, God calls out to Adam and Eve and he says, "Where are you?" And Adam answers. And Adam says, "I heard you in the garden "and I was afraid because I was naked and so I hid." Well, we know in verse seven he was wearing fig leaves. So it wasn't really naked. But the fig leaf works about as well as bloodletting. It's not really dealing with his shame. It's covering him up. He still feels shame. And so notice what else Adam says here. He says, "I was afraid." And that's the third thing shame does. It's shame, shame makes us afraid. Up to this point, Adam hasn't, I don't think been afraid in life. It's not afraid of God. He walks with God in the cool of the day, the Bible says.

But now he hears the footsteps of God coming and his heart starts pounding. And this is what shame does. It changes how you hear God's footsteps. Makes you think God is coming not to pursue you, but to punish you. It's like when a police car pulls in behind you. You haven't done anything, only as you know of. But you assume there's something. And so all of a sudden, like you're driving, like it's a driver's test and your hands are dead in two, full stop of the stop sign. Like you're using your blinker at two minutes ahead of time. Like you don't know what you did. But you know, the cop knows. And so this is how a lot of people relate to God. It's not rebellion, it's just this constant anxiety that he's about to pull him over. It's shame, it changes the way we relate. And I know some of you learned to relate to God this way in church. Because you grew up hearing maybe a lot about what was wrong with you or what you weren't doing enough of or how disappointed God must be in you. And I'm not saying churches shouldn't confront sin. Of course we should. Like again, conviction is not bad. Conviction is good. But there's a difference between conviction and condemnation.

And some of you learned, like you learned in church Church taught you that. And so I just wanna take a moment as a pastor and acknowledge that and to say, I am sorry if that is true for you. Like you grew up in a church where you learned a lot more about how disappointed God is in you than how much he loves you. And I'm sorry if you were taught to be more afraid of making a mistake than you were to be excited about following Jesus. I'm sorry if you confessed a struggle and instead of being met with compassion and help, you were met with humiliation and judgment. I'm sorry if you were taught that being a good Christian meant that you had to look like you had it all together. And so you learned to hide things you needed help with. If the church was never supposed to be a place where you learned to run from God, it was a place where you should've learned to run to God, but shame got used, it got weaponized, and it taught us to live with this fear of God and others seeing who we really are and what we really struggled with and this fear that they were gonna leave us or reject us or judge us. And this is why some of the most shame-filled people in this room are sometimes the best behaved people. Like this is how you deal with your shame. You follow the rules and you work hard

and you're responsible and you're successful and you serve a church. But underneath all of it isn't love, it's shame. It's this fear. And some people don't hide behind failures, they hide behind achievements. That's still shame. Can I tell you how it's played out for me? Because of shame, I have sometimes struggled with the fear of failure. For a long time, I thought it was because I was maybe driven or ambitious or I wanted to do things well, but the more I learned, the more I recognized it was shame. Like my identity was connected to success and failure. It was not just about messing up, it was about who I was gonna become, all things didn't work out. My identity was attached to it. And one of the places I see this most clearly that's hard, I see it in hindsight, is in my parenting. Like I look back on the years, my kids were growing up and I just recognized these moments where I responded to them out of that fear and shame. Like at the time, I would have told you I was afraid for them and I wanted them to make good decisions and to love Jesus and become responsible adults. But if I look back on it and if I'm honest, I can see that sometimes there was another fear underneath all of that, this shame. I wasn't just afraid of them failing,

I was afraid of what their failures would say about me as a dad. And sometimes that meant I reacted with more intensity than a situation required. And sometimes I made something a bigger deal than it needed to be. And sometimes I tried to control them in ways where I'm trying to control how they think or feel or because their mistakes felt like my identity and without realizing it, you end up putting the way to your insecurity and shame on their shoulders. And that's not their security. And so I just wanna say something to the parents in this room. Some of you are parenting out of fear and shame, you don't even realize it. You're afraid your child is gonna embarrass you, they won't make the team, they won't get the grades, they're gonna make some kind of decision, people will judge you, your identity's wrapped up in them. But sometimes like what we're really afraid of isn't them, it's what people think of us. And because you're afraid, you become maybe controlling or critical or constantly correcting, and it's doing the exact opposite of what you think it's doing. And so the danger is this, that your kids begin to believe that your love is connected to how well they perform. When they succeed, you're proud of them and when they fail, you're ashamed of them. That their mistakes don't just disappoint you, but their mistakes make them a disappointment.

And some of you know exactly what I'm talking about because it's how you grew up. Like you learned that when you succeed, you got attention and when you performed, you got approval, but when you failed, it's distance and disappointment and it's silence. And now without even realizing it, you're parenting your kids the same way. Your child needs a parent that can tell them the truth about their behavior without making them question their worth. Like they need to know that you can be disappointed in a decision they made without their identity being a disappointment. They need to know that when they fail, they don't have to hide from you. And so some of us need to go home and have a conversation with our kids, not about what they need to change, but about what we need to own. And I can just tell you, I've had a lot of those conversations in more recent years. They're all in their 20s now and they've all heard me give different versions of a talk that begins, "Hey, I've been thinking about what I wish "I would have done differently as a dad." And here's what I've said to them. I'm gonna tell you in a minute what I said to them. some of you in this room need to hear it from a parent. You might be 60 and you need to hear it.

Some of you are listening to this. And so what I've owned with my kids, like your mom or dad might need to own with you, but maybe they never will. Maybe they're gone, maybe they're not capable of acknowledging what they did, maybe every time you try to have a kind of conversation with them about this that get defensive. But I want you to hear what I say to my kids and receive it because you're never supposed to carry the responsibility of making your parents feel successful. Like their disappointments doesn't determine your worth. Their inability to affirm you doesn't mean there was nothing to affirm. And you don't have to spend the rest of your life trying to become someone they'll finally be proud of. You can be free of that. You can stop auditioning for approval that was never meant to be conditional. So here's what I've said to my kids and maybe what some of you need to hear. There were times I put pressure on you that you didn't deserve. Times I reacted out of fear instead of love. And sometimes that fear showed up as anger and sometimes it's overreacting. Sometimes it's trying to control what you did and what you thought or how you felt. And there were times I made your mistakes about me when they should have been opportunities for me to help you grow, and I'm sorry. You were never responsible for making me look like a good dad, and you were never supposed to carry the weight of my fear of being a bad one. I wish I'd been quicker to listen and slower to lecture. I wish I'd asked more questions before jumping to conclusions. I wish I'd spent less time trying to control your decisions and more time teaching you how to make them. I wish I'd spent less time trying to raise kids who wouldn't embarrass me and more time raising kids that knew they could come to me when they were embarrassed. And I wish I understood sooner that sometimes what you needed most from me was not another correction or a criticism.

It was the reassurance that there's nothing that you could do that would make me stop loving you. And I want you to know, like you never had to earn my love by getting good grades or making the right decisions, being successful. You didn't have to make me proud of you to make me glad that you're just mine. And when you messed up, I wish I'd done a better job of reminding you that you could always come to me. You didn't have to hide your failures or pretend that you had everything together, because I never wanted you to grow up believing that my approval was something that you had to spend your life chasing. And if I could go back, I'd spend less time worrying about how you were going to turn out. I'd spend more time trusting God with who you're becoming. And I am especially sorry if the way I responded to you ever confused you about the way your Heavenly Father feels about you. Like if my disappointment made you think God was disappointed in you, if my anger made you think God was angry with you, if my approval felt conditional and you started to believe that his was too, I am sorry, because I want you to know this about your Heavenly Father. He doesn't love you more if you succeed or less when you fail. He's not embarrassed to call you his son or daughter. And when you mess up, you don't have to hide from him. He doesn't just love you when you're at your best. He actually loves you when you're at your worst. There's no shame, and that leads to another truth about shame. They don't have to do something shameful to experience shame. Like sometimes it's something people put on you. Sometimes it's from what you've done, but sometimes it's from what somebody else has said to you, and we're going to talk more about this as the series goes on, but somewhere along the way, some of you stopped asking, "Why did this happen to me?" And you started asking, "What's wrong with me?"

And that is the voice of shame in your life. It's taking something that happened to you and convinces you it's who you are. It's your identity. And some of you've been living with this verdict about yourself that somebody has no business declaring over you. Like they said you were stupid and you believed it. They said you were ugly and you believed it. They left, and you decided it must have been because you weren't worth staying for. And maybe that person has been gone for decades and out of your life, but you can still hear the voice in your head, and Jesus wants you to be free from that. One of the most interesting questions God asks in Genesis 3, verse 11. He says, "Who told you that you were naked? Where'd you hear that lie? Who told you that? Think back to when you started believing in it. Where did you hear that your worth was determined by your appearance or your performance or your paycheck or your past? Who lied to you about that?" Because some of you have carried a sentence for 40 years as somebody else said in four seconds. that they remember receiving as a child that's carried with them. Have a surprise at how specific some of the answers were? There's one guy said to me, seventh grade. It was the gym, Westport Middle. The coach is handing out the team list, and he got to me, and he said, maybe try band. He had a gray Adidas windbreaker on. I'm 48 years old, and I still remember that Adidas jacket he was wearing. Someone else said, I was 9, and I was in the kitchen.

I was holding a report card. It had to be on it. My mom looked at it, said it on the counter, and said, well, I guess we know your sister got the brains in this family, and she went back to doing the dishes. And she says she doesn't remember saying it, but I think about it almost every day of my life. My grandpa's dining room on Thanksgiving. I was maybe 12 years old, someone said. I was reaching for a second roll, and my uncle said, you sure you need an extra roll, big boy? And everybody laughs. And every time I'm at a restaurant and they serve a bowl of rolls, I think about that. I'm asking you, who told you? Where'd you hear that lie? It's because some of us need some time to really think about where our shame comes from, because we have allowed a voice to speak something over us, to speak identity over us, and only God gets to do that. He gets to do that. Verse 12, the story gets a little bit ugly. Adam blames the woman, the woman you put here with me, she gave me some fruit, I ate it. So he blames his wife, and he blames God. And then Eve turns around and points to the serpent, blames the serpent. Four thing about shame is that shame makes us blame. See, if you think the problem is who you are, then admitting you did something wrong

is a threat to your identity, until you get super sensitive and defensive and you justify yourself. And I would just say it's probably a lot of conflict, especially in marriage as a shame response. Like, you think you're fighting about money or in-laws, but really, it's this shame that you're responding to. Like, shame can make me turn a perfectly innocent question from my wife into this full-fledged character assassination, and she said, "Hey, did you take out the trash?" And what I hear is you've never contributed to anything in this family ever. And now, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go back to the 90s and tell you everything I've done for you and for this family. And that's a shame response. It takes a question about what you did, and it turns it into a trial about who you are. And that's a miserable person to live with. One of the ways shame shows up is it makes you take things personally that might not be personal at all. So somebody makes a comment, and you hear criticism. Somebody doesn't invite you to something, and you think it's because of who you are. Like, there's something wrong with you. Like, somebody doesn't respond to your text in a timely way, and you just take it personal. Somebody posts something and you think,

"Oh, that's about me." That's, listen, that's shame speaking. You're reacting to something, and you're not really reacting to what someone said. What you're reacting is how you see yourself. It's a shame response. It's making you a main character in a story that's not about you, and it's turning you into the victim of the story. And one of the ways you know shame is losing its grip on your life is you stop making things about you all the time. A comment can be a comment somebody can disagree, and it's not personal. And this is just one of the things I'm learning. I don't have to defend myself every time I'm corrected. Like, one of the ways I know shame is losing its grip on my life is I can just say, "Oh, you're right, I was wrong, I'm sorry." 'Cause my identity's not attached to the behavior. And so at the end of no shame November, I hope we're easier to live with because we're not defensive, and we don't take things personally, and we're not easily upset because our identity's not attached to those things. Think of it this way, shame causes us to blame because it confuses correction with rejection. And the test for this in your life is when like a small comment gets a big reaction.

That's how you know shame is in the room. Like someone's response to you or your response to someone is disproportionate about what was said or a perceived offense. It's often because of shame. And Jesus wants to set you free from that. And when your identity is in Christ, it just makes you a really difficult person to offend. It allows you to own mistakes with humility, to confess sin, to apologize, and not get your identity wrapped up in that. It allows you to be wrong without feeling like, oh, this is who I am. It's not connected to my identity. So look, we've spent some time today dissecting shame. and then sending you home ashamed of your shame, shaming you about shame. So I want you to notice one more thing before we're done in Genesis 3. Adam and Eve sinned and they cover themselves, they hide, they sow some fig leaves, they blame each other, but what does God do? Well, he comes looking for them. Like they were hiding from him, but God wasn't hiding from them, and when he found them, he confronted their sin, and there were consequences, and there were relationship fractures there, the garden wouldn't be the same. But the story doesn't end with Adam and Eve standing there in their fig leaves. Look at verse 21, it says, "The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife, and he clothed them, garments of skin." I just think about that. Skin doesn't come from nowhere, which means that for God to cover their shame, it would seem something had to die. The first time shame shows up in the Bible, God covers it, but blood had to be shed, and it's a picture of what was coming. The thousands of years later, outside the walls of Jerusalem, Jesus would deal with our shame by being stripped of his clothes. And crucifixion was designed to be the most shameful death

the Roman world could devise, and Jesus hung there, exposed in front of everyone, crucified naked on a cross, and he was uncovered so that your shame could be covered, and he shed his blood to cover your shame. And so the Bible says that those who belong to Christ have been covered have been clothed with Christ. And that means that some of you who've carried shame for a long time can set it down. Because you're not what happened to you, and you're not the worst thing that you ever done, and you're not what somebody called you, and you're not the person who was abandoned, you're not the addiction, you're not your divorce, you're not your failure, and you're not beyond the reach of God's grace. You've been covered. The most important thing about you is not what you've done, or what's been done to you, or what somebody said about you is what Jesus has done for you. And so the first question God asks in the garden was, "Where are you?" Like he knew where they were. This isn't a request for information. It was an invitation. An invitation to stop hiding, and maybe you've spent years hiding God's calling for you, and the good news of the gospel that you don't have to hide. He knows where you are. He just wants you to know you're invited, and that you can come home. When you come to him, you don't have to come with big fig leaves. You can come as you are. He's got you covered. So we're going to do something a little different as we close at all of our campuses in just a moment. I'm going to ask some of our elders and their spouses, some of our ministry staff and their spouses to come down front, and we're just going to take some time to pray for you. And I want to invite you to come, and to let somebody pray over you. Like maybe you've identified some shame in your life. There's nothing more powerful you can do than speak it out loud. It will break shame's grip. Shame thrives in secret. It dies in the light. And maybe you've been carrying some shame because of something you've done, something you regret, something you wish you could change, but you can't. Maybe you're carrying some shame because of something that wasn't your fault, but somehow you've spent your whole life feeling like it was, and you just need to say that out loud. Maybe there's a lie that you believe in about yourself. You've believed it so long you don't even remember when you first started believing it. Maybe you've been hiding behind your failures, or maybe your success, your religion. And I just want to invite you to freedom. I want to invite you to come and to be prayed for, and you don't need to tell someone your whole story, and you don't have to explain what happened. You don't have to find the right words

if you want to. You can just walk up and say, "I've been carrying some shame and I need somebody to pray for me." And if I could, for some of you what shame is whispering to you right now is, you can't do that. Like, what if somebody sees you? What are people going to think? What if somebody asks you? Why did you go forward for prayer? Like, if you're here in that, that is the voice of shame. That's what that is. And the more you hear it, the more you need to do it, to break free from it. So we invite you to come to come just as you are. Let me pray for us. God, I thank you that because of Jesus we've been covered, and we don't have to hide, and we don't have to cover up, and we don't have to be afraid, and we don't have to keep blaming others that we can find freedom in you. God, in the next few weeks, would you show us what it looks like to live with no shame? Would you let us experience freedom, Jesus, in you, that you came to set us free from sin and from shame? I pray, Jesus, that we would find that in you, that we don't have to keep living under this weight. I pray against the voice of the accuser that some are hearing right now that's trying to shame them and to ask, shame them against asking for prayer for the shame they're carrying. I pray against that, to pray that you would give each person courage and humility and that as things get brought into the light that freedom would be found. We love you. It's in Jesus' name. Amen. So we're going to do that in just a moment. Just want to let you know that if you're ready to step across the line, put your faith in Jesus, let him be the one who covers your sin and your shame. I would love to talk to you about that decision. You can go to our next step room over here on the first floor, or we'd love to have you as part of our church family, or together we gather, we celebrate, we encourage each other as we live in the freedom of Christ. Again, you can step into the next step room over here. For others of you, if we can pray for you, we'd be honored to do that. You're welcome to make your way down front so we can pray over you that let's stand and let's worship.

I am an instrument of exultation. I was born to lift your name above all names. You hear the melody of all creation, but there's a song of praise that only I can pray. Who else is worthy, who else is worthy? There is no one, only your Jesus, who else is worthy, we say, who else is worthy. You are the Internet, God of the Ages, yet you chose to make my eyes your dwelling place. You healed my brokenness, showed me your glory. I have songs of things, not even angels, like who else is worthy, who else is worthy. There is no one, only our Jesus, who else is worthy, who else is worthy. There is no one, only your Jesus, who else is worthy, oh who else is worthy, there's no one, only Jesus, who else is worthy, who else is worthy. There is no one, only your Jesus, who else is worthy, who else is worthy, who else is worthy. You see it on the throne above, holy, holy the righteous one, who shed his blood. You prove to us the Father's love, Jesus Christ, we lived here, holy, holy the Lamb of God, anointed one who was and is and is to come, he's seated on the throne, we call him holy, holy the righteous one, who shed his blood, you prove to us the Father's love, Jesus Christ, me leader, holy, holy the Lamb of God, who was and is and is to come, he's seated on the throne above, ♪ He's worried, worried ♪ ♪ He proved the love of God ♪ ♪ Oh Jesus Christ be lifted up ♪ ♪ Who else is worthy ♪ ♪ Who else is worthy ♪ ♪ It's no less ♪ ♪ Only if Jesus ♪ ♪ Who else is worthy ♪ ♪ Thank you for your sacrifice, Lord ♪ ♪ No more guilt, no more shame ♪ ♪ Only you, Jesus ♪ ♪ There is no one ♪ ♪ Only you, Jesus ♪

♪ There is no one ♪ ♪ Only you, Jesus ♪ ♪ Who else is worthy ♪ ♪ Who else is worthy ♪ ♪ There is no one ♪ ♪ Only you, Jesus ♪ ♪ Who else is worthy ♪ ♪ Who else is worthy ♪ ♪ There is no one ♪ ♪ Only you, Jesus ♪ ♪ There is no one ♪ ♪ Only you, Jesus ♪ ♪ There is no one ♪ ♪ Only you, Jesus ♪ ♪ In my whole life ♪ ♪ For you've grown in my whole world ♪ ♪ For you won't be everything ♪ ♪ For the honor of your name ♪ ♪ And if my days tell a story that it be ♪ ♪ Of you only everything ♪ ♪ For the honor of your name ♪ ♪ In my whole life ♪ ♪ For your glory my whole world ♪ ♪ For you only everything ♪ ♪ For the honor of your name ♪ ♪ And if my days tell a story that it be ♪ ♪ Of you only everything ♪ ♪ For the honor of your name ♪ ♪ In my whole life ♪ ♪ For your glory my whole world ♪

♪ For you only everything ♪ ♪ For the honor of your name ♪ ♪ And if my days tell a story that it be ♪ ♪ Of you only everything ♪ ♪ For the honor of your name ♪ ♪ Oh how I love you ♪ ♪ Without your love ♪ ♪ Oh how I love you ♪ ♪ Jesus I love you ♪ ♪ Oh how I love you ♪ ♪ Give the wrong to your love ♪ ♪ Oh how I love you ♪ ♪ Jesus I love you ♪ (audience applauds) (gentle guitar music) ♪ Oh how guilty ♪ ♪ Sin high made me ♪ ♪ How I wish I could take it all back ♪ ♪ Oh how perfect ♪ ♪ The life of Jesus ♪ ♪ How He joined it ♪ ♪ Laying it down ♪ ♪ His death my death ♪ ♪ His life my life ♪ ♪ That I'd be born again ♪ ♪ His cross my cross ♪ ♪ His grave my grave ♪ ♪ So I will rise with him ♪ ♪ Thank you Jesus ♪ ♪ I'm not alone ♪

♪ You drop off those chains ♪ ♪ The world is over there ♪ ♪ My sins been erased ♪ ♪ Thank you Jesus for my integrity ♪ ♪ Oh, how many ♪ ♪ Shame I can be ♪ ♪ How I went sharp ♪ ♪ We could be high ♪ ♪ One more freedom ♪ ♪ To walk with Jesus ♪ ♪ Don't turn it back ♪ ♪ Don't turn it back ♪ ♪ Thank you Jesus ♪ ♪ You got in my place ♪ ♪ I'm not alone ♪ ♪ 'Cause you drop off those chains ♪ ♪ No, I don't deserve it ♪ ♪ Oh, my sins been erased ♪ ♪ Oh thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus ♪ ♪ Thank You Jesus, thank You for my empty breath ♪ ♪ Thank You Jesus, thank You for my empty breath ♪ ♪ Thank You for my empty breath ♪ ♪ Thank You for my empty breath ♪ ♪ Thank You Jesus, thank You for my empty breath ♪ ♪ Thank You for my empty breath ♪ ♪ Thank You Jesus, thank You for my empty breath ♪ ♪ Thank You Jesus, thank You for my empty breath ♪ ♪ Thank You Jesus, thank You for my empty breath ♪ ♪ Thank You Jesus, thank You Jesus ♪ Well, Pando family, I don't know about you, but that was a message that my heart needed to hear today.

I think there have been so many times in my life, probably more than I even want to imagine and count remember of times where shame has caused me much like Adam and Eve in the garden to hide from God. But for me, it wasn't even just hiding from God, it was like literally turning out and running out of the garden because I didn't believe that God would still love me after what I had just done. I didn't believe that the people around me would care about me or love me or want to be with me. And so I ran, right, ran from God, ran from the church, and I've done that in several different ways at several different points in my life. And I know for so many of you, even as I hear that, are probably sitting in a place where you're like, "Oh dude, if you only knew how much this message connects with me." Well, if that's you saying that, I believe you, right? I believe you because we do take time on our team to read the letters that y'all send every single week, and I know that this topic of shame can be a silent killer in so many of y'all's hearts and minds, and I don't want you to live there, I don't want you to stay there guys, because what Scripture tells us is that all of us, all of us have fallen short of the glory of God, right? But Jesus came, lived the life we couldn't live, died the death we deserve, and was raised to life on the third day so we could have eternal life. But our identity has never been, has never been about what we've done, good or bad. No matter how much we want to make it like that, no matter how much the world makes it like that, our identity is not in what we've done or what we have done. Our identity, if we are in Christ, is fully formed in what Jesus has done for us on the cross. And so this week if you find yourself having us here at Southeast. We'll be faithful to respond to your questions. We'll be faithful to pray for you as you go out, you know, throughout the rest of your week. Y'all, but we have a new Bible study that's been on the Pando app over the last several weeks. We would love for you to check out, be a part of. It is called Chasing the Vapor, Walking Through the Book in the Old Testament of Ecclesiastes. It's dropped every Wednesday with love for you to be a part of it. There's videos, there's a PDF document that you can go through with the different scriptures and discussion questions that just help you think through some of the content that we're talking about and through the book of Ecclesiastes. So we hope that you check that out too. But we also hope that every week that if you're a returning viewer or listener of our Pando exclusive podcast that typically drops on Thursdays, we hope that you enjoy it. Again, it's one of those things we do not just for fun, although

we enjoy it. One of those things we do specifically to take the sermon from the weekend and try to apply it not only to our life but to your life as well so that we can be the best disciples of Jesus trying to follow Him with all of our heart and all of our strength that we can possibly be. Y'all, but before we head out, I would love to just pray for you, especially after a message like this, I would love to be able to bow our heads and pray together. Later in heaven, I specifically ask you to break the strongholds of shame in the people's lives that are listening to this right now. And I know that there are many areas of shame in my life that I try to keep hidden. But those moments where you have helped me drag those into the light, God, I have experienced healing. And I ask that for my friends and my family who are watching this right now on the Pando app that they would feel comfortable enough to drag that out into the light, even if it's for the first step of doing it with you. God, give them the courage. Give us the faith to do that as we pray this in your name. Amen. Guys, we love you. We're grateful for you. Thanks for tuning in with us and we'll see you next time. [BLANK_AUDIO] [BLANK_AUDIO]