Palesa's Testimony

but I'm gaining victory in depression and walking in truth, and my name is Palesa. Hello. So I was born in Guyana, South America, where most of my family is from. I came to the U.S. when I was six months old. Guyana is a third world country nestled between Venezuela, Suriname, and Brazil. 80% of the land is tropical rainforest with a Caribbean culture heavily influenced by African, indigenous, Indian, and Chinese cultures. I've only visited once and desire to go back, but I honestly don't know if I should feel proud of this country where my enslaved ancestors were brought from West Africa centuries ago. Is this truly my homeland? However, due to the beautiful blend of cultures, one thing I can say is the food is really good. My mom, dad, older sister, and I eventually moved to Tallahassee, Florida, where my dad had family. All right, Tallahasians. My dad's infidelity caused my mom to leave him when I was about four, and my mom, sister, and I moved to Brooklyn with my grandparents. Brooklyn's in the house, all right? This broke my dad and caused him to surrender his life to Christ. He led me to Christ when I was eight years old, but it wasn't until I came to celebrate recovery 30 years later that I really began to understand what it meant for a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I was a daddy's girl, and leaving him was painful. I don't remember talking to anyone about it, and it wasn't until a few years ago that God enabled me to get in touch with my younger self and grieve this loss. Jesus has always seen that hurt and desired for me to name it and grieve it as well. My older sister was athletic, pretty, and popular. I was compared to her, especially by boys, and I always fell short. Academics is where I excelled, and most of the praise I received as a child was for being smart. This is when I felt most visible, but I also felt I needed to work hard to maintain that praise, and every mistake affirmed how unworthy I was of any praise. My mom wasn't attentive to my emotional needs. This was never demonstrated in her family of origin. Anger was an acceptable emotion, and adults in my family had the right to yell, tear down, and give the silent treatment when we didn't meet expectations. My mom's family was hyper-focused on appearances and frequently criticized and gossiped about others. It created a weird dichotomy in me, wanting to be noticed and loved while also wanting to go unseen to avoid criticism. I escaped through fantasy and fictional worlds. Escaping became a coping mechanism I later used through TV, the internet, and social media. My first experience with anxiety occurred in the fourth grade. The homework and concept just seemed too advanced, and I couldn't keep up. I remember looking around the classroom in desperation to see if anyone else was struggling,

but they all seemed fine. It never occurred to me to tell a friend, teacher, or my mom. I felt insecure, alone, and less than. I dealt with it the best way I could. I lied about being sick to stay home from school, which didn't solve the problem. We had family friends on the block who were also from Guyana, and they had the life I thought I wanted. There was a two-parent home. The mom was a nurse. The dad was an entrepreneur, and their home had all the latest technology, which at the time meant a VHS player in cable TV. One night while my sister and I were staying there, the older daughter whom I idolized had me perform a sexual act with her sister. That incident fractured my identity and caused so much confusion in my sexual instincts. Feelings of guilt, shame, and that it was my fault prevented me from telling anyone. It was also in this home where I was exposed to pornography for the first time. Out of this came a lifetime of compulsive self-gratification and a pornography addiction. The shame has been overwhelming. My dad was the legalistic Christian, so visiting him in Florida for the summer was like entering a completely different world from life with my mom We went to church, Sunday school and Bible studies. While I have fond memories of these activities, I believe God had a lot of requirements that I could never live up to. The concepts of grace, mercy, and unconditional love didn't jive with the long list of Christian do's and don'ts. What would my dad think about the sexual abuse I experienced? And since God was so holy, surely he was disgusted by me and disappointed as well. At a certain point in elementary school, food became my drug of choice to provide comfort. I put on a lot of weight and was teased and bullied through my teens for my looks, skin tone, and weight. I can still remember the moment of sad resolve in the ninth grade that this was my lot in life. To be ugly, fat, and too dark to be valued or loved. When I was 17, the bad boy of the school pursued me. My self-esteem was so low,

I was thrilled and surprised anyone would be attracted to me. I wanted the status and popularity of being his girlfriend. Finally, I could have value and some sense of worth. One afternoon, things went too far. I told him to stop and tried to make him stop, but he wouldn't. And this is how my daughter was conceived. I felt I had let God and my dad down. I didn't tell anyone exactly what happened. I shut down completely, and the relationship ended. It was my senior year in high school. I hid my pregnancy because I did not want to shatter my family's perception of me or face their disappointment. I went to prom and graduated as if nothing was happening. My mom was recovering from a car accident and baggy clothes were in style, so she never noticed my growing belly. I started college in Tallahassee, Florida, the same city where my dad and other relatives lived, still holding on to my secret. I decided I would give the baby up for adoption so I could complete college and my family would never have to know. However, three weeks before she was born, my family found out, and after lots of tears and prayer, encouraged me to keep her and offered their help. But my heart was still filled with anger at her dad. I did not put his name on her birth certificate, and I gave her my last name. On paper, it was like he never existed. I lived with my dad and stepmom so they could help me care for my daughter while I attended college full-time. The older I get, the more I realize how much of a sacrifice this was. My dad and stepmom had only been married three months before inviting this teen mom and newborn to live with them.

It was not an easy road for any of us, but being around my dad's family provided my daughter with a strong foundation of love that I could never give on my own. Although God had done so much for me, I longed for the life I thought I was supposed to have. Entering adulthood, I was jealous and resentful of others. I couldn't be happy for their weddings, promotions, and successful lives. For the next several years, I excelled in my career moving to Iowa, Virginia, back to Florida, and eventually Connecticut. In May 2016, I called the police to my home to have my daughter removed after an eruption of anger on both our parts. As four white police officers arrived, I was absolutely terrified. What if things escalated further? I would never be able to forgive myself if she got arrested or an altercation happened and she ended up being killed. But by God's grace, the police came with peacemaking tactics and brokered a deal where my daughter could stay the night if she agreed to go with me to see our pastor of care the next day. I felt broken, powerless, and like a complete failure. This pastor was the third person to recommend celebrate recovery to me. Yeah. Amen. And this time, I recognized I had to get help. I attended my first CR meeting in June 2016. Praise God. I have to confess, part of my motive in coming to CR was to figure out how to fix my daughter. (audience laughs) I thought, "God, if you fix her." I was in complete denial, but I kept coming back and listening. Jesus began to speak to me through what others shared, the lessons, and the testimonies. I learned this was a safe place where I could process my feelings without being fixed, judged, or gossiped about.

As I began to share in a group, I also began to understand that I could talk to Jesus about my pain. Within six to seven weeks of attending CR, God got to the root of the biggest wound in my life. I confessed the details of my daughter's conception to a close friend in CR, and she helped me acknowledge that I was date raped. Bearing the secret poisoned my heart and infected every part of my life, especially my relationship with my daughter. Jesus revealed that my daughter's anger issues didn't come from her dad. They were a result of me parenting her out of my own deep, unhealed wounds. Step four will always hold a special place in my heart. We made a searching and fearless, honest inventory of ourselves. And God walked me through the five parts of a spiritual inventory, showing me the person, the cause, the effect, and the damage before I even knew what an inventory was. I confessed this revelation to my pastor, and he advised me to write in a men's letter to my daughter. After she read the letter, I could tell through the look on her face and the tears in her eyes that it acknowledged so much of her pain. She had quietly wondered if I loved her, because of the way I treated her. My unhealed wounds, frustration, and disappointment consumed me. I was too blind to consider her emotions or her needs. My heart still breaks, thinking about how painful this must have been for her. I told her my prayer was that Jesus would remove the walls between us so we could have a renewed and refreshed relationship. This is the beauty of Jesus Christ being in the center of this program. He knows our story and brings revelation in order to heal. In the healing journey with my daughter, I had to continue to own the thought patterns, behaviors, and actions that influenced the way I parented. I had to keep bringing that brokenness to Jesus and confess that I needed His help and power to change.

Jesus taught me when to engage and when to give space rather than react defensively, and how to stop matching anger with anger. I had to learn to apologize a lot. I made a lot of mistakes, but I'm grateful for my sponsor who walked closely with me and prayed diligently. Jesus' show be my daughter was not my enemy. Satan had exploited both our pain and wounds to make us square up and fight each other. Jesus kept me focused on 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient and kind. It does not demand its own way. It keeps no record of being wronged, never gives up and endures through every circumstance. Living out these verses is humanly impossible without Jesus' help. After about two years of working the program, God didn't just restore my relationship with my daughter. He made it brand new. I pray that one day she will also participate in CR and we can give a family testimony. In 2021, I wrote in a men's letter to my daughter's father but sat on it for four years. By God's grace, I was able to send it along with a copy of life-sailing choices in December 2025. I am leaving the outcome in God's hands and I'm grateful to be freed from the bondage of anger and unforgiveness towards Him. I invited my mom to live with us five years ago out of obedience to God. She has been extremely difficult because I have no emotional connection with her and my walls automatically go up in her presence. Jesus has shown me that I need to bring my critical judgmental thoughts about my mom to Him and continue to work my recovery in this relationship the same way I did with my daughter. My prayer is for God to soften my heart of stone so the relationship becomes what He would have it to be. I am celebrating ten years in Celebrate Recovery.

[Applause] life has been spent thinking I could do things in my own power. In 2024, our company announced major restructuring. I just knew this would be the moment God would release me and move me to the organization and position I was really made for. For the last 11 years, I hated every job I had and was overwhelmed with stress. I dreaded every Sunday night and Monday morning. In the meeting with HR, I was told my role was being eliminated. Instead of a generous severance package, I was given the exact role I told God, my boss, and anybody who would listen that I did not want. I was crushed and disappointed. I called my sponsor in tears. The next morning, I had to surrender and confess that I really didn't know what God's plan was for my career, that I desperately needed his help and his perspective. During this time, I also started walking incident by incident through my sexual brokenness inventory with my therapist, unburdening things I have carried for so long. During one session, she told me Jesus always believed in my innocence. I was floored. Innocent is not a word I would ever use to describe myself. Her empathetic witness helped me see how my experiences ignited compulsions and self-soothing behaviors in me. You see, my shame had become my identity. I was dirty and damaged. I couldn't fathom that a holy God could ever truly love me. So the promises in Scripture were beautiful words and applicable for you, but not for me. Isaiah 1 18 says, "Come now, let's settle this as the Lord." Though your sins are like scarlet, I won't make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool. The deepest part of my heart asked, "Lord, is this possible for me?" Through this process, I came to understand that so much of what I believed about myself, about my life, and about God, were lies. Amazingly, this brought healing and a truthful perspective about my work. It enabled me to have more realistic expectations of myself. I'm more accepting of the fact that I don't and won't have all the answers. God continues to remind me, "This is what it means in principle one to realize I am not God." Remembering that God is with me helps coax me out of being frozen in fear. When I face perceived giants and

reflexively want to run away, his goodness draws me in. God reminds me there is no bigger giant than him, and no one who loves me more than him. One of the scriptures I hold on to is James 1-5, "And if anyone longs to be wise, ask God for wisdom, and he will give it. He won't see your lack of wisdom as an opportunity to scold you over your failures, but he will overwhelm your failures with his generous grace." God has given me clarity that my professional role is to be myself. Bring organization to chaos and acknowledge the beauty displayed in his image bearers he ordained me to work with. Despite the lies I believe, this is the place I belong and the place God desires me to be for my good and his glory. I believe this now. In John 15 5, Jesus tells us he is divine and we are the branches. And the last part says, "Apart from me, you can do nothing." And I used to think, "I can do some things on my own, but whose voice was that?" The truth is, I'm a mess apart from him, operating in my own power negatively affects me, those around me, my work, and ministry. I can only be transformed and bear lasting fruit by abiding in Jesus. Jesus is right, #truth, and I repent from thinking otherwise. I'm learning that negative self-talk blocks out God's voice and obscures truth. Satan is a liar and the father of lies. I refuse to agree with these lies that cause me to question God's motives, God's goodness, and his unconditional love for me. Amen. It's now easier to turn to Him even when I'm overwhelmed with shame over my mistakes. God has helped me gain victory over my TV addiction. In October 2024, I gave away the TV in my room after two decades of not being able to sleep without the TV on. In January 2025, I experienced depression that was so much darker than it had been in the past. I felt suffocated by work deadlines and my CR responsibilities. I wrestled with the lives of the enemy as he whispered there was only one way out of this darkness. I am thankful for my sister, CR family, sponsor, and therapist who took my pain seriously and refused to let me struggle in my own strength.

I began taking anti-depressant medication and opened up about my struggles without feeling shame. God has brought support through so many in my CR family who share their own struggles vulnerably and break the stigma around mental illness. Although God has moved mountains in my life, I still struggle with using food to deal with anxiety and discouragement, scrolling on my phone to escape overspending procrastination, perfectionism, and stinking thinking. But you know what? I'm not giving up. Giving and victory will come, and I will be a part of CR until God calls me home. We say we get to see miracles every day in CR. You see, I know how stiff necked I am and how much I like to do things my way, yet God still heals, redeems, softens stone hearts and brings dreams through the desert. I get to see that in my life and in your life. It's just such a blessing. I don't know much else that's better than this on earth. Fried chicken may be a close second, but all glory to you, Jesus. Step 12 states having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs. With all the grace God continues to pour on my life, I am thrilled to practice step 12, serving as co-ministry leader at Walnut Hill Community Church in Bethel, Connecticut, and as New England team lead. I get to work alongside phenomenal brothers and sisters in Christ as we set the table and invite communities into a safe healing place where the love of Christ is on full display. In August 2025, with the financial support of Walnut Hill's church in action, cultural communities, and the prayers, resources, and time for many of you, we conducted the first ever Celebrate Recovery Conference on the continent of Africa. Amen. Amen.

Amen. Amen. Amen. Okay. This 3-day conference in Nairobi, Kenya, presented the foundation of Celebrate Recovery and included presentations, panel discussions, amazing worship, and live testimonies. We had 690 attendees from over 70 churches. Amen. Amen. Amen. And an army of 25 leaders from 7 states in the U.S. including 7 us from Connecticut and my daughter. We were thrilled to have CR Global Leaders Johnny Baker, Roger Stanton, and Richard Cobb with us. Yes. The suitcases of resources that you donated are being used in new step studies and church churches, launching Celebrate Recovery. This experience was exceedingly and abundantly above all that we could ask or imagine. It was a blessing to encourage our brothers and sisters, share our brokenness, and remind them that Jesus knows their stories, sees their broken hearts, and is inviting them forward to heal, learn, and walk in freedom. If you're new, I encourage you to give Celebrate Recovery a try. You don't have to hide anything about your life to be welcomed or accepted because you exist. into freedom step by step together. I can't promise your circumstances will change but there is a masterpiece being written with your name on it and I promise you will get a glimpse of it in this ministry if you work it. Thank you Thank you for letting me share. (cheering)