Intimacy: Developing Authentic Relationships

We're working through the book. My assignment today is chapter two, and so we're gonna jump in there. If you were here last week, or if you haven't heard Pastor Dan's sermon last week, that was our lead pastor, Pastor Dan McCarthy, you need to go online and listen to that sermon. Don't listen while you're driving or doing something else. Get a pad and a pen, sit down, pause it, write down things that are important, think about them, pray over them, soak in. He said some really good stuff last week. Make sure you listen. Today, so we're in chapter two today, and so we wanna talk today about developing genuine, intimate, authentic relationships among ourselves, and especially, of course, in our marriage or romantic relationships. So we're gonna talk about that today. There's a verse of scripture in chapter two, verse seven. It says this, it says, "'Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, "'not to awaken love until the time is right.'" In other words, what's he saying? Don't jump in too quick, baby. Are you with me? You need to give some thought. Gazelles and deers, they were gentle creatures. They weren't quick to jump in, okay? That's the point of this.

If you look around the room this morning, what you're gonna discover is we are a diverse congregation. Can I get an amen? Lots of different cultures, personalities, generations. I love, love, love it. We're a reflection of heaven. But the reality is that there are some common needs and common desires that every single human being has, regardless of their culture, their nation, their ethnic group, whatever it may be, you and I share some of the same desires. And one of those desires, which is also a need in us, is the need to be fully known and yet fully and completely loved and accepted. Can I get an amen? I not only wanna be known, I wanna know for who I really am, but I am a little careful to share who I really am because you may not treat me right. That was where you say amen. All right, so the point is intimacy has to do with being fully known and yet fully loved and accepted whatever wrinkles or problems we may have. And so the reality is that we not only need that, but God himself has made it possible for us to have it. By becoming human and coming into the world and living a perfect life, Jesus, the son of God, took all of your shame, all of your regret, all of your guilt, all of your sin, all of your punishment, so that when you trust Christ,

the Bible says that God sees you as if you're hidden in him and he says of you what he says of Jesus. This is my son, my daughter in whom I am well pleased. God is well pleased with you if you're a follower of Christ, not because you did everything right this week, not because you promised to next week, but because you've been dressed in the righteous goodness of Jesus and he sees you like that. Are you thankful for that? So in other words, you have nothing to prove and nothing to lose. You are valued by the most important person in the universe. That most important person not only knows you fully, he loves you completely as a father who loves you, knows you, and is working in your life every single day. You cannot escape his presence or his love. He is always with you. He will never leave you or forsake you and he's working for your good. Come on, somebody. Aren't you glad for that? What that means is then we can meet the next need in our life, which is a God-given need, and that is the need for an authentic, genuine relationships with other people. You see, I'm grateful for the Lord. I am grateful that he never leaves me. I'm grateful that I am secure in him. I have nothing to prove or lose,

but God wired me to be interdependently connected with other people. God has designed us so that we have authentic relationships and friendships and, of course, romantic relationships into marriage that are genuinely authentic, genuinely intimate, not falsely intimate or deceptively half intimate. And so we wanna know, okay, great. Well, how do I develop that intimacy? This book kind of helps us with this. What it basically tells us is that while this book has been interpreted all over the place, the truth is at the end of the day, it's just a book about human love and sexuality, romance, and marriage. That's what it's about. And so it teaches us some important things. And one of the things it teaches us is that we should be careful because we cannot be intimate with everyone. It's impossible for two reasons. Everyone will not and cannot accept. it nor will they respond right and so you can't be intimate with everyone and so that's why he says hey don't awaken love too quick don't jump in too quick baby just because you're super attracted you get gist bumps and you think they're just the most sexy thing on the planet that's not a good reason to jump into an intimate relationship with them it's got to be way way more than that and so what do I do what are the steps I need to take before I jump into intimate relationships and I want to talk to you not just about intimacy in terms of romance or marriage but how many of you know that we need to have some intimate

friendships men need to have an intimate friendship or two with another man has nothing to do with sexuality women with women we need close friendships in which there's no sexual connotation whatsoever but there's genuinely intimacy that is an intimacy of the sharing of heart and purpose and reason and we're able to share and we create safe space for each other to say what's really going on inside of us and we accept each other we know each other and we love each other despite all of our problems and sins can I get an amen that's what church is supposed to be I got to get back to my notes we're in trouble already boy oh boy here we go well let me talk about three things real fast what is intimacy what are some steps before I try to be intimate and then how do I develop it so real quick what is intimacy well intimacy genuinely is simply a meaningful deep fulfilling connection with another individual individuals which encompasses not only the intellectual part of our life it is intellectual it is emotional it encompasses experiential and spiritual and physical areas of life it's a connection with others that meets both individuals needs and both individuals desires for being loved and fulfilled in a relationship both known and accepted and if you combine all those areas together so the physical the the spiritual the intellectual here's what we're saying genuine intimacy is when we have created the space would you say that with me created the space you have to work at this forget Hollywood's idea of it just happens that's baloney you got to work at it and so we create the space what where each person in the relationship feels safe enough to express their feelings their thoughts their values their beliefs with the other person they can express their hopes their fears their hurts their desires their opinions even on politics and know they're going to be just accepted even though we may disagree yet there is a safe space which we're accepted we don't fear judgment or rejection or moderate mockery or ridicule because we truly have developed the ability to be intimate friends that's why you can't do that with everyone and if you try you're going to create all kinds of heartache in your life it's just never going to happen some of you

want everybody to make you special and you want to be invited to everything and all that get over it you're not going to be you're not going to get invited everything that was a very loving rebuke there get over it sounded like a old grumpy man which I am so there you go and listen intimacy does not necessarily have anything whatsoever to do with sex you can have sex and not have any intimacy whatsoever or you can have genuine authentic intimacy with someone else that has absolutely nothing to do with sex that is an intimate relationship where you are supporters and lovers of one another in romantic relationships of course it does in the marriage include sexuality and by the way sex was God's idea there's nothing wrong impure or evil about sex as long as it's within God's designed parameters of one woman and one man who are committed each other for a lifelong marriage because the intent of sexuality wasn't just to have kids it was to bond one man and woman together in a genuinely intimate relationship that would last throughout their whole life and that bond would be strong but listen to me if you engage in check sex before marriage you are likely to be hurting your ability to actually develop genuinely intimacy in marriage In fact, the more relationships you have sexually, the harder it's gonna be to you to bond to one person. You're gonna be tempted to jump and jump and jump. And that's why God says, hang on to that, reserve that. It's so special, don't give away what God has made for your benefit. And so he speaks to our heart and says, listen, if you've already been there, listen, okay, repent, ask the Lord to heal you and he will heal your heart and you'll be able to go forward, but start doing it now. Are you with me? All right, that was a little stronger than I meant it to be,

but anyway, there you go. So what I wanna try to emphasize here is that intimacy is about relationship, not necessarily sexuality. And if you want a really good romantic relationship, let it begin with genuine intimacy before it goes anywhere else. Are you following me? So what are the steps I take? What steps should I take before I try to develop intimacy with someone else? I'm gonna fill these blanks in and summarize because I don't have time. I wish I had time to teach it, I don't. So number one, pray. Number two, grow. Number three, evaluate. Boy, I wish I had time to teach this. Number four, test. Number five, restrain. And number six, wait. Now let me summarize quickly. When Solomon became king, what did God tell him? He says, I'm gonna give you anything you ask for, and what did Solomon ask for? He didn't ask for success, money, fame, he asked for wisdom. Listen, you wanna develop intimate relationship, you can't develop with everybody, you need wisdom. You need discernment to know who you should and should not try to develop an intimate friendship

or romantic relationship with. You need insight and leading from the Lord. So pray and then grow. Do your best to grow up as a Christian. Try to grow in the image of God, try to go in character, try to become, listen, don't look for the right person, become the right person. Because here's how it works. You're gonna attract people at the level where you're at. So you want somebody good? You want a good, faithful, loving, kind, generous person that'll accept you? Come on somebody, then be that person, and you'll begin to attract that individual to you. Are you with me? You will attract what you are. Grow up, give effort to it, and then evaluate. What I mean by that is you've gotta pay attention over time and listen, what is it you're evaluating? Their character, their attitudes, their behaviors. What are they really like? You see, you may be super attracted to them. You may say, well, baby, you're so sexy. You turn me on. You can't build intimacy on that. Because you may have sex and not have any intimacy. What are they like as a person? What do they value? How do they treat other people?

How do they act in difficult situations? You can't find that out overnight. That takes time. You gotta watch and pay attention. You gotta begin to evaluate who they really are. Do you actually like them? It's easier to say I love you because love is sacrificial than to just say I like you. I like who you are. I like your values. I like how you speak to people. I like how you act when you get upset. I like how you communicate. I just simply like being with you. Man, if you can't say that, I don't care how sexy they are. Run, baby, run. You gotta evaluate. Use some wisdom. You don't fall into genuine love. You grow into it through developing thoughtful communication skills and being wise. It says in Proverbs that as water reflects the face of a man, so, I'm sorry, as water reflects the face, so a man reflects, a man's heart reflects the man. I'm sorry, I'm trying to hurry. A man's heart reflects the man. The problem is people can wear masks. And if you don't take time, if you awaken love too quick because you're so super attracted,

you're infatuated with them, then you're gonna miss the boat and you're gonna be really hurt. Let me say it like this. If you can't actually Say specifically, I think I'm jumping ahead in my notes. If you can't say specifically what you actually love about their character, their attitude and their behavior, you don't genuinely love them. You're just infatuated or attracted. Now, intimacy is built on who they are and who you are as you're sharing your lives together. You with me so far? All right. I got like, got to hurry. So don't awaken love. So what I'm saying is two things, this is on your notes. Genuine authentic intimacy takes time and intentional effort to develop. Intentional effort, you got to think about it. And the more you work at it, the more it'll work for you. The more you work at your relationships, they'll work for you. If you stop working at your relationship, it'll stop working for you. Forget what Hallmark says, it's baloney. And intimacy grows and diminishes based on the effort that you put into it. So with that, let me quickly give you seven ways to intentionally develop intimacy. And the first one is simply this, express verbal praise and appreciation for who the other person is. Not just that they're beautiful or handsome or great at whatever, no. I am, I love how you are, I just love how you speak to other people. You know what, I am so thankful the Lord put you in my life. You help me understand the value of how to use money better. I'm so grateful for how thoughtful you are, that you really think things through.

I need more of that. I'm so grateful that you're so extemporaneous. I love how you are, and boy, I'd love some more of that. Are you following me? Learn to, listen, let me just speak to the men for a minute. Get over your pride and open your mouth and say, I. I think, I feel, I want, I like, I don't like. What are you thinking? Nothing. Now, what's going on, babe? Nothing, just tired. Liar, liar, pants on fire. Open your mouth and communicate. If Jesus can say, the Godliest man, the manliest man that ever walked a planet, who sacrificed himself for you, if he can say, my soul's overwhelmed to the point of sorrow, I feel like I'm going to die, you and I can be honest with the person we're married to or related with. Are you with me? Learn to talk, learn to verbally praise, learn to open up and say it. It's okay to ignore. I know for me personally, it took me a while to actually just identify what I was feeling. Maybe some of the men in the room can relate to this and probably some of the ladies too. I was like, what exactly am I feeling? Let me just pause for a minute and figure it out and then I can tell you. You may need to do that and that's okay. And so, you got to learn, you can see this in the text. I don't have time to show you all the verses. You can read the verses and figure it out. Here we go. The point is that they did that.

Do other people that you love know that you value them because you express it to them what you appreciate about them. If you can't name specific things you love about the other person's character, attitudes, behaviors, you don't truly love them. You need to like them before you love them, et cetera, et cetera. Number two, ask questions and listen to understand. Do not listen to respond. Don't listen to rebut. Don't listen to debate. Don't listen to, you know, reprimand. Don't listen to try to change them. You can't change another person. Listen to understand and identify what they are saying and feeling. I can't tell you how many times over the years couples would come in and they were having trouble and I would ask one, well, tell me what you're thinking. And then I would say to this one, tell me what you just heard them say. They couldn't tell me a thing they just heard because they want to just tell me what they're thinking. Pay attention, listen. Listen to understand. You may not agree at the end of the day, that's okay. But create the space where they can tell you how they feel and what they're thinking without being criticized for it or God forbid fixed by you to see it your way. Let them have their own perspective. I'm getting a lot of amens, but that's okay. This is good preaching. So I don't care. Proverbs 18, 13 to answer before listening, that's just foolish and shameful and so intentionally work at creating that safe space so that your friend or your lover can share

themselves with you without having any criticism coming up from you. Having said that doesn't mean you always agree and it takes effort. Number three, reveal yourself honestly. Having listened now you can reveal yourself honestly and vulnerably in this in chapter one, the, the, the lady says, you know, she talks about her insecurity in Jerusalem. She was a working girl out in the, out in the fields and she got a suntan darkened and all the girls in Jerusalem were, you know, uh, just Lily wide and she felt insecure about it. And her lover says, Oh no, baby, you don't get it. Uh, you're, you're beautiful. He tells her how he feels. She says in chapter two, verse one, I'm the spring crocus blooming on the Sharon plane, the Lily of the Valley. Now she's improved her self image a little bit, but she's still saying this. Those are just common flowers. What she's saying is I'm just a common flower. I'm just a flower like everybody else. And he responds. He says, Oh no, baby, you're the flower among, among thistles. You're among thorns. You're the flower. And I think that of you. And so he's building her up. He's sharing what he thinks she's sharing. She feels safe to share her insecurities. Men, particularly husbands.

Can I ask you this question? Can your wife share her fears and feelings with you without you shutting them down? I thought that might get quiet right there. She not asking you to fix it, dude. She's asking you to listen. Let her share what she's thinking. Let her share what she's feeling and say, and then you say, Oh, baby, I'm so sorry, period. And shut up. Oh, baby, I feel that way sometimes. Oh, baby, I feel that way. Sometimes to tell me more, any women in the room say, man, sometimes it works the other way around. Sometimes men are in relationships where the lady needs to learn how to do this. Come on, somebody. It's not always gender specific. It's called being considerate and compassionate. Jesus is compassionate. I mean, even though Jesus lets us pour out our heart to him, we can tell him everything we're thinking and feeling, and he never just out and out rebukes us. Aren't you glad? He just loves on us. He will correct and direct us, but aren't you glad he let you talk about it first? Amen. Amen. Number four, invest time in doing things together. In verse 10, she says, my lover said to me, rise up, my darling, come away with me. Hey, let's go out and do something. Come on.

You've been cooking every, every week, honey. Let's, let's go out. Let's go get something. Let's do something together. And, and, and so men, when, when she says, honey, would you take me shopping? And you go, shoot me now. No, you say I'm a hunter gatherer. Bless God. I'm going to be a shopper with you. I'm going to help you look. I know you have no idea what you're looking for. You just want to look, but I'm going to help you look. I'm going to find what you're looking for, man. I'm going to be there with you and right beside you helping you find that sweater. Hallelujah. Woo baby. And I'm going to say, Oh, I like that one. Yeah, babe. Well, that one looks good on you, hon. Yeah. You might want to know, do that one. I'm just saying. Hey honey, would you go play some golf with me? Hey, watch the football game with me. Would you? Hey, watch the golf tournament with me on TV. Oh, shoot me now, honey. What exactly is a birdie anyway? Come on. It means being considerate, doing things together.

Look for things you both enjoy and then talk about it. What are you experiencing? What are you seeing? You talk in those times of spending time together because it's, listen, it's the effective communication. Say that with me. Effective communication. Say that again. Effective. Effective communication, not just communication, effective communication of listening to understand and identify and then sharing my own heart and thoughts and I terms that builds genuine intimacy so that you can grow together. Are you with me? So where was I? That was number what, number four. Number five, display non-sexual physical affection. Well, gotta quit. It says in chapter two, verse four, he escorts me to the banquet hall. It's obvious how much he loves me. In public, we're not making out or having sex, but everybody can see how much he loves me or she loves me. He doesn't pull in the driveway and honk the horn and wait for me to come out. No, he comes to the door. He knocks on the door. Hey, how are you doing? So good to see you, I've been looking forward to today.

He escorts me to the car. He doesn't walk 10 steps in front of me. He opens the door for me. She pays attention to what's going on in my life to try to maybe serve or help me in some way. It's called being attentive, displaying publicly that you actually care for the other individual. And you can do that through physical expressions would have absolutely nothing to do with sex. Putting an arm around in church, fist bumps, touches on the arm. If you watch football, you know that they display physical affection all the time for one another. How dumb is that? Come on, you get a concussion, come on, give me a break. In my day, they used to slap each other on the butt. That was even worse, come on, somebody. How dumb. No, it's not dumb, you know why? Because they're expressing I love you, I appreciate you. You did a great job. And it's nothing to do with sex. It has to do with caring for people, are you with me? And number six, learn and practice their love language. You know the five love languages, words of affection, spending time together, physical touch, serving in some way, or giving gifts. Which of those is your friend or your lovers, which of those makes them feel the most loved? Not which one makes you feel most loved.

We say, well, how would I know that? Ask them. I wanna love you better. What makes you feel most loved? Am I doing anything that you don't like? You know, when I call you baby or honey, does that, are you okay, do you like that or does that offend you? Are you listening to me? Have a conversation. That's what makes relationships work. And then number seven, work at catching the little foxes that annoy or destroy. In chapter two, verse 15, she says to him, listen men, she says, catch all the foxes, those little foxes before they ruin the vineyard of love for the grape vines are blossoming. Foxes would get in and eat the grapes and mess up the vineyards. And what she's saying is, deal with, let's deal with all these little things that annoy us about each other. Let's fix those so we don't ruin our relationship. So baby, I know it drives you crazy when I leave the doors and drawers open. So I'm gonna do my best to shut those back. I know you hate it when I leave my clothes all over the place. I'm gonna make a conscious, intentional effort to make sure I pick up my clothes and put them away

because I know that's what you want. I know that you hate it when I burp out loud. And especially when I, you know, I'm gonna walk out of the room, I'm not gonna blow my nose with you when you're eating. I'm not gonna eat off your plate because I know that just drives you nuts. Don't make it all about you. Give and it'll be given unto you. You with me? Amen. I would love to have said more. I've already said too much. So come on, stand with me. We got to get out of here. We got to get you out so we can get some in. Come on, somebody. Get in, get happy, get out. Here we go. So bow your head with me. So Lord, we just thank you today for your mercy and love toward us. And we thank you for the relationships and the potential. That we have To have some genuine fulfilling intimate relationships in friendship and in romance And I pray that blessing over this congregation today, and I'm wondering if there's anyone here this morning. You've not yet trusted Jesus You haven't accepted his sacrifice for you and you would like to give your life to Jesus today and experience His forgiveness and his love that fills your heart so that you can be secure And you have nothing to prove and nothing to lose

And you know that Father God accepts you completely and you're on your way To a whole brand new life if that's you this morning I'm going to count to three when I hit three just shoot a hand up real quick, and you can put it right back down But you're saying I want to trust Jesus today. If that's you one two three go ahead shoot it up. Yeah Thank you. God bless you guys. God bless you and back left God bless you anyone else Oh, yeah, I see you guys over here. God bless you. God bless you today. Would you pray something like this repeated after me dear God? Thank you for sending Jesus Jesus thank you for coming Thank you for taking all of my sin and shame all of my punishment I want to give my life to you today fill me with the Holy Spirit Make me all you want me to be I choose to surrender to you today in Jesus name. Amen