How to Fight Without Falling Apart

All right, well, we are continuing in our series called The Naked Truth, which is a verse-by-verse study through the book of Song of Solomon. And I've been really enjoying this series. Have you been enjoying this series? It's been so fun to just dive into this a little bit more and to talk about great relationships. Song of Solomon, this is the best of the best writing that he has. And of course, it ends up in our scriptures in the Holy Bible, because it gives us God's view of human love and relationships. And basically, the goal of this series is actually found in some of the opening verses of Song of Solomon chapter one. And it actually tells us in the beginning of this book that there's three people that are mentioned in this text that's written. Now, you need to know this about this book if you're new joining us, that this book is poetic metaphor. It's a large portion of the book is allegory, and it's kind of confusing. And there's three characters in this book. There's Solomon himself, he's the man in the story. Then there's the Shulamite maiden, that's the female in the story. And then there's what the Bible calls the chorus of friends. These are the Instagram followers. This is everybody that's watching

and just cheering them along and commenting on the relationship. And it's a little confusing, again, because some translations don't even tell you exactly when the person speaking changes. And so hopefully I can do a little of that hard work and make it clear for you today. But basically, now it's the woman speaking. Starting off this book, she starts off, no surprise, Song of Solomon chapter one, and she says these words, let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth. And then she makes this proclamation. And I would challenge you that this would be the goal, that the way that you love, the way that you love me, she's saying, is more delightful than wine. Like you figured it out. And this lady is praising her husband. She's praising Solomon for being an expert in relationships. Now, I don't think that there's anybody in the room today or online or in a correctional facility, including the person that's on stage preaching today, that would classify themselves as an expert in relationships. But I think that that would be a great goal for all of us to say, you know what? The more that I get to know Jesus and the more that I love God, then the overflow of my life is God is transforming me, so I'm getting better and better in my relationships. Come on, I'm a better husband than I used to be.

I'm a better father than I used to be. I'm a better boss than I used to be. I'm a better friend than I used to be. And God continues to transform us from the inside out. Come on, if that's your prayer, say amen. Now, verse three, she says these words, pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes. And I love this. She says your name, like that's your reputation. So in other words, when people think of you in whatever role you play in life, husbands, dad, father, boss, friends, neighbor, whatever role you have, and if I were to ask them, how are they doing in that role? What would they say about you? Like, what's your reputation? And I say that at the front of this message to kind of convict us today. I think all of us need to realize that we all have some growing to do in our relationships. And some of you guys said, no, no, no, not me. You've already resigned yourself to say, it's just my personality. That's just how the Enneagram test came back about me. It just says that's my strength and that's my weakness. This is just who I am. And I would tell you the whole essence of the gospel is that Jesus died on a cross so that your sin could be forgiven and so that you could go to heaven

and so that you could have relationship with him, but also so he could change you from the inside out. Can I hear a good amen, someone? And so I want you to open up your heart today in this message, I really do. I want you to say, Lord, I want to be this example. I want to be this model person who knows how to not only love God, but knows how to love people well. Song of Solomon has eight chapters. We already covered four of them in the first three weeks. The next two, chapter five and six are what we're covering today. Two chapters devoted, this couple has just gotten back from the honeymoon and they're already in a fight. So 25% of this book, 25% of the book of Song of Solomon is about conflict. And I say that to encourage you today. In this world, if you are in relationship with someone, you are going to have conflict. Aren't you so glad you're in church today? In fact, I heard this not too long ago. They said, marriage is like a deck of cards. It begins with two hearts and a diamond. And by the end, you're looking for a club and a spade. Come on, I practiced that joke all week. Laugh a little bit harder on that one, all right? And by the way, if you think that my wife, Kyla and I have a perfect marriage, we don't.

In fact, we most definitely fight, I will say that. It's not all the time or that often, but we do fight. A couple of weeks ago, we had a fight and I had Kyla crawling on her hands and knees, everybody. As she looked underneath the bed and she said, get out and fight like a man, why don't you? I worked on that one all week, can't you tell? Come on, the joy of the Lord is my strength. Laugh a little bit today. It's about to get serious in church. And I say that all to say to encourage you for any person that's walked into this service today and said, it's too far gone, it's over. We messed up way too much. I don't even know the person who I married. Who did I marry? What? I got myself into this. Or we fell out of love. It's just not there anymore. And I just wanna encourage you today, that's a cycle that every person goes through in a relationship with someone. It starts off as what's called the honeymoon phase. By the way, do you know where the word honeymoon came from? Honey is sweet and moon phase is 29 days. So it literally means sweet month. And that's about how long love lasts after you get married. Come on, someone say amen.

And so be encouraged, be encouraged. Your marriage wasn't ever supposed to be maintained just on emotions and just on date nights and just on chocolates and just on flowers. You also have to deal with some things and figure some stuff out together. And so after the honeymoon phase, you're gonna get to what's called disillusionment. And that's really like, you're not who I thought you were. Oof, that's what you look like without makeup on? I won't go any further with that one, all right? Look, look, I had no idea you acted this way. I had no idea that you got so upset when you were that hungry. I had no idea that anger was that much of a thing for you. And there's this disillusionment phase. This is where you now have a decision to make. And if you can make this decision, if you can stick it out, you get to something that is way beyond romance and it's called commitments. And commitment has emotion all of its own that is so satisfying and it's so real. And I want you to help you get to that place today because the ones that can stick it out, the ones that can endure, the ones that can work it out will last in your relationships. And so today I wanna talk about how to have healthy conflicts.

I wanna talk about how to fight right. I wanna talk about how to fight fair because you're gonna fight. You just need to know how to fight right, all right? Turn to your neighbor and say, let's get ready to rumble. All right, here we go. Song of Solomon, we're in chapter five now verses two through six. Watch what happens, okay? So she's in bed. She says, I slept, but my heart was awake. Now he's late in coming home. He didn't tell her. First problem right there. Didn't come home on time, didn't tell her. And I don't know if it's out playing sports or if it's working late or he was at the restaurant with friends. It doesn't say, but he didn't come home on time and he didn't let her know and she's not happy about it. So she's in bed, but she's not asleep. And she says, all of a sudden he's knocking on the door because he forgot his keys. He's like, hey, I'm back home. And I left my keys in the house. Would you let me in? And he says to her, open to me. And when he's saying open to me, that open to me is not just open up the door. He's coming home for some loving too.

You know what I'm saying? He's late, but he's looking for some loving. And he says to her, he says, open to me. And then he names her all of his pet names for her. My sister, my darling, my daughter, my dove, my flawless one. I mean, he's making an advance and she just puts the stiff arm out and she's like, whoa. And he says, my head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night. In other words, I'm out here stuck outside. Please let me in. Let me in the door. And she says, no way. Nope, not happening. I've already taken off my robe. Must I put it on again? Now he's coming home. He's trying to get in the door. He's also looking for some loving. And she says, no, I already took my robe off. Must I put it on again? That's Hebrew for I got a headache. It ain't happening. You know what I'm saying? She says, I've washed my feet. Must I soil again? I'm not getting up. And it makes him really mad. And this is where Solomon kind of blows it.

I'll just let you know, he blows it. And he puts his hand through the door. He puts a hole in the door. And she says, my heart began to pound and that wasn't a good kind. That wasn't a ooh, I'm fluttering with joy and I'm so excited. This was, I'm afraid right now. And so she finally figures out it's probably best to go ahead and open up the door. And so she arose to open the door for the lover. And she goes and says, and my hands then were dripped with myrrh. Myrrh is a sweet spice. And so she was basically coming through the door going, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And my fingers were dripped with myrrh on the handles of the lock. But when she opened it, he had already left. He took off. Okay, so they're having their first fight. Are you all encouraged by God's word today? I mean, this is the Bible, everyone. He's gone and says, and my heart sank at his departure. I looked for him, but I did not find him. I called, but he did not answer. And so what I'm gonna show you is that they had a bad fight and they both are wrong in this story. They both are wrong for different reasons. And what they did to resolve it.

is what I'm gonna show you next, because now they make some great decisions. They made some bad decisions that led them up to this point, but now they're gonna make some great decisions. I wanna show it to you. Chapter six, verses one through three. And now the friends, so this is the chorus of friends, this is the Instagram followers, they say, where has he gone? Where is he? Most beautiful of woman, which way did your lover turn? That we may look, so we're gonna help you find him. And she says, he went down to the garden, and again, remember, it's poetry, it's allegory, and that is huge because the garden symbolizes his prayer place. So what Solomon does right in this story is he knows how to cool off. And he not just cools off naturally, but he spent time with God spiritually. Some of you need to hear that today. You not only need to cool off naturally in the middle of a fight, you need to spend time with God spiritually in that moment and renew your love, not only for your spouse, but renew your love for God in that moment. And it's a missing ingredient in fights. It's where we don't just say, it's her fault. It's all his fault.

No, it's where we go before the Lord and we actually search my heart, oh God. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there's any offensive way within me and then lead me in the way that's everlasting. And every time we pray that prayer, I promise you, if there's an area that's wrong in your heart, an area of sin, the Holy Spirit will reveal it to you and you go, oh God, it's me too. It's my fault. James chapter four, first three verses says, what causes fights and quarrels and troubles amongst you? Don't they come from the conflicts that battle within you? You kill and you covet, you have not because you don't ask God. In other words, you ought to go to God in that moment and that's what Solomon does right in this text. He goes to the bed of spices to browse in the garden, to gather lilies and he says, I am my lover. So now he's reaffirming, man, I know why I love her. I know I'm mad right now. I know we had a fight right now. I both know that we did some things that were wrong, but I am my lover's lover and my lover is mine. And so I wanna give you three things from this text today on how to fight fair. And I want you to write these down because if you can actually implement these three things in your life,

it will change your life and your relationship because you're gonna have conflicts, you're gonna have fights, you're gonna have issues. The question is this, how do you deal with it? How do you fight rights? And number one is this, if you're taking notes and I sure hope you are. Number one is this, I'm going to respond with wisdom. I'm not going to react with emotion. I'm gonna respond with wisdom. I'm not gonna react with emotion. Now, newsflash, in case you didn't know, I'm a pretty emotional person. How I wear my emotions on my sleeve. You can see when I'm happy. You can also see when I'm upset. You can see when I'm excited about something. You can also see when I'm mad about something. My face continually gets more redder and redder and redder every time. But I also can get over something really fast. Like if I just say something to someone, I just address the issue in that moment, we're good after that. I'm like, let's go get pizza. Like, let's go hang out. I'm just like, let's deal with it and let's move on. And I know who I am and I'm an emotional person. And what God is calling Dan McCarthy to do and what I'm calling you to do

is that when I start to feel those emotions start to well up within me to reenact what's happening. You know what reenacting means, right? You're reenacting what has happened and you're reacting to the situation and you're playing it over and over in your mind again and again and again and again. So then it just keeps bottling and building up and then you just explode on that person instead of reenacting and reacting to what happened. Instead, I have to determine as a follower of Jesus, I'm gonna respond with wisdom. See wisdom's different than knowledge. Knowledge is knowing what to do. Wisdom is the actual ability to do it. And Solomon went to God and I'm begging you, I'm begging you guys in the middle of fights, in the middle of conflicts, I'm begging you guys to take a couple moments and break for a moment and go to God, especially those that are hot tempered in the family, in the relationship. You know, usually in a conflict there's one that wants to fight it out and there's one that wants to flight it out. And I'm begging, especially that one that will well up and wants to address it and talk about it right away to say, hey, can we take a couple moments and just go to God on this before we talk through this together?

Now, Jesus, the one that we've sworn our lives to, he modeled this for us. 1 Peter 2.23 says, when they hurled insults at him, he did not retaliate. Notice that. And he was right and they were wrong. And when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, watch this beautiful line. Instead, he entrusted himself to God. When he felt like saying it, telling them off, exposing them, threatening them, ratcheting things up, whatever remarks Jesus could have made to those against him, he said, no, no, no, God helped me right here. And he did not respond. Some of you, you need to let go and let God into your situation. And if you'll let him into your situation and not just say the first thing that comes to your mouth, the Lord will direct you in your conversation, say amen right there. So you need to do this. You're gonna have fights. You're gonna have issues. And I would encourage you in the middle of your fights, in the middle of your issues, in the middle of your struggles, to know that you've already gotten together and gotten on the same page with what I call a pre-fight list.

A pre-fight list. The pre-fight list is the ground rules that you made when things are good, so that when you get into the fight and you're having a fight, you actually know how to have a healthy fight. Okay, so here's the first one. Here's the first one. The first one is this. I was just talking about it, but I'll say it now for you. Never put things off. Never put things off. Again, when you're in a relationship, in the middle of conflict, one person's gonna wanna fight and one person's gonna wanna run. And I'm not saying you have to deal with it right now in that moment. You'd actually be better to say, hey, let's take 30 minutes, or let's take an hour and let's go pray and let's get alone with God and let's take a couple moments. But if it's 6.30 p.m. right now, by seven o'clock or by 7.30, we're meeting back together and we're gonna talk it out. We're gonna get on the same page. Number one, never put it off. Second one is this.

You never call names. Never call names. Like, you gotta get out of this mindset of you're an idiot. You are so dumb. You are the stupidest person that I've ever met. Like, you can't call each other names. By the way, parents, that goes for you as well. Never call your kids names because people tend to become what the most important people in their life say that they will become. Instead, speak things about them. Speak life into them, even if you're not seeing what you're saying. Take my daughter to school every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. And on the way to school every morning, we listen to goodness of God together and we sing it at the top of our lungs together. And then we always pray together. And then I always tell her every single day, I say, Andy Rose, you're beautiful. And I've been saying it to her so much that she now recites back to me. Yeah, dad, I am beautiful. You know why? Because I've been speaking that over her for months and months and months, and now she believes it, right?

Say, Andy Rose, you're a champion today. Andy Rose, you're a leader, not a follower. Andy Rose, you're gonna change the world. You're gonna grow up to love Jesus. What am I doing? I'm speaking things over her, even if she's not doing those things right now. You gotta speak life instead of just speaking hate. The next one is this. Never, ever, ever raise your voice. Please, people, the Bible is very clear. Proverbs 15 for you note takers. A harsh word actually stirs up anger all the more, but a gentle answer turns away wrath. Even if you're gonna say it, and I'm not just speaking to husband and wife in this moment, I'm talking to bosses in this moment. You need to be hard on your employees. You need to hold the line. You need to be accountable. I'm talking to coworkers and friends. You need to hold one another accountable. You need to speak the truth in love. If somebody's in an area of sin in the Bible, and you have a relationship with that person, I'm not saying that you go soft and just want, oh, I'm not gonna say anything. Just gonna let it go. But even if you're telling a hard truth to someone, there's a way that you can say it that is gentle and soft

and never yelling or never demeaning. Here's the next one. We never get historical. I didn't say hysterical, I said historical. This is for all the women in the room, all right? Ladies, I'm gonna pick on you for one moment, okay? You ladies have the most unbelievable memories in the world, unbelievable, unreal. My wife was mad at me a couple weeks ago about something. I said, Kyla, what's wrong, what's going on? And she said, I'm just replaying and rehearsing what you said to me back in 2016 when you said this, this, and this. And I was like, I don't even remember saying that. And she's like, I remember when you said that. You had that jacket on and that color shirt on and those pants on and these color shoes on. I'm like, baby, I don't even remember what I preached in last Sunday. How am I gonna remember what I was wearing back in 2016? And I'm telling you, I'm telling you, if Jesus has forgiven us of all of our sins and removed them, he remembers them no more as far as the East is from the West. You gotta let each other off the hook. You gotta let the past be the past, why? Because scripture says, love keeps no records of wrongs. And here's the last one, the last one is this, never, never, ever, ever threaten divorce. Never threaten divorce.

Never say, if you do this again, I'm gone. Why? Because you're then placing on this person this mindset to live in fear if they ever do something wrong again, that you're leaving that person. I actually think if you're gonna have healthy fights and fights need to be a part of any relationship, if you're gonna have healthy fights and healthy disagreements, you can actually fight with confidence knowing that person is with you no matter what and they're not going anywhere. Now, now, it might kill you, but you'll never divorce that person, okay, all right? Till death do us part, all right? I'll give you one more, here's a bonus one. Here's a bonus one for you today. This one is just extra for you, okay? Here's a tip for you. In the middle of a fight, please, please, please, never, ever quote your pastor, okay? You leave me out of this. You just fight it out, the two of you, leave me out of it. If you say my name, just say something good about me. You don't have to quote me, okay, in that moment, all right? Number one, I will respond with wisdom, not react with emotion, okay? Back to the text. Chapter six, verses four and then nine to point number two.

I don't have time to show you all of it, but at the end of chapter five, she spends verse after verse after verse after this fight, listing his qualities and praising his qualities. And so he starts and says, you're beautiful. Now, the emotions are all stirred up. They're all riled up. They're still mad about whatever happened. But look at what he says. He says, you're beautiful, my darling, as tears are lovely as Jerusalem, majestic as troops with banners. This is the same language. He says the same thing on the honeymoon night. And he says this, I don't want you to miss this. He says, my dove, and then he says, my perfect one. Now, question for you today, gotta respond. Was she perfect? The answer is no. But again, he decided to focus on what was good about her, not just all of the things that made him mad in that moment. And that's true of every single person in this room today, because listen, you're in that relationship with that person for some reason right now, right? You got married to that person for some reason. There had to be a list of good. There had to be a list of things that you appreciated about that person.

There had to be a list of qualities or characteristics that you loved about that person. And instead of focusing on all of the negative in that conflict, we have to decide, I'm gonna focus on what's right, not just what's wrong in that moment. Second thing is this, if we're gonna do conflict right, I have to focus on what is right and not just what is wrong. And I'm gonna realize that the list of things that I love about my wife and I appreciate about my wife and I respect about my wife is so much longer than the couple things that we're having a fight over right now, okay? So men and women in the room that are married, you probably know this, that you and your wife have some things that you are distinctly different on. And my wife and I, we're same at heart and same in values, but we are polar opposite on some things, okay? Anytime I'm hot, she's always cold, okay? We wanna watch a movie, I say, hey, let's watch a movie. Can we watch this chick flick? Can we watch this action movie? She's like, can we watch this historical documentary about the Titanic crashing and falling and sinking? Can we watch about 9-11? Can we watch about plane crash documentaries? I'm like, I would not wanna watch any of that ever, ever, ever, we're polar opposites. Some of the things that she says on this platform here

every time she says it, I'm like, ah, I have to walk into that green room for a moment. Makes me cringe a little bit. But if I just focus on all of the negative, all of the things that I don't like about her, how many know I will not be able to have a marriage to move forward if I'm just focusing on the negative? When there's this whole list of items of things that God has made about her that she's beautiful and that she's unique and that she's funny and God made her for such a time as this to support me in this role in this season as being the lead pastor, as somebody who helps take care of so much in our family, in our house. And I just say, God, I'm so grateful that you gave me my wife, Kyla, because I'm gonna focus on what is good instead of just what I see in this moment right here that's bad, are you with me? We do this all the time at a football game, right? Your favorite football team, the team that wins the championship has a whole bunch of different players. You only need five people on the offensive line that weigh about 350 pounds. You only need one guy that's got a good head on his shoulder and is kind of tall and is smart, makes good decisions and throws the ball downfield.

You need one that can run the ball and is really fast to get it into the end zone. And then you need about two or three that can catch the ball and get it into the end zone. And it's the differences that make that team a winning team. And the best team is not the team where all the players look the same and act the same, but they're all on the same page, they're all running the same play, just with differences that make them a championship winning football team. If you start looking at relationships like that, like, man, she's this and I'm that, and it's so different, but that's why we're good together. Well, I'm telling you, that's a recipe for success in your relationships. Billy Graham's wife, Ruth Graham, was once interviewed by a reporter who asked her about the 17 straight weeks that Billy Graham went off to do evangelism crusades. And they said to her, baiting her like the media always does. Don't you despise his ministry schedule? Don't you think that's such a bad thing that he's in ministry and he's away from his family for so long? And her response was this, I love her response. Five months with Billy is better than 12 months with any other man. Now, what was she doing?

I'm sure she missed her husband. I'm sure she wanted her husband more. She just said, you know what? I'm gonna focus on what's right, not just what's wrong. Can I hear a good amen right there? And that's why the Bible says these words, Philippians 4, 8, whatever is true, whatever's noble, whatever's right, whatever's lovely, whatever's pure, whatever's admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy. To discipline your mind to think on these things. And once you've disciplined your mind to think on these things, send an email or a message to your mouth to close your mouth and say only that which is pure and lovely and acceptable. Because as Proverbs 18 21 says, the power to life and death is found in the tongue. And those who love it will eat its fruit. Notice the next verse. This verse is by no accident. Verse 22, he who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. He who finds a wife finds what is good. And I would translate, I would interpret that verse this way. He who finds a wife is intentional about finding what is good about her. In other words, I'm going to find the good in my lady. Let's continue in the text. Point number three, I'll close with this. Number three, if we're going to be people that do conflict well, if we're going to be people that fight fair, number three is this, I will fight for us, not for me.

I will fight for us, not for me. Song of Solomon chapter six, verse 11. I went down to the grove of the nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley to see if the vines had budded. So the vines have budded. That means it's springtime. That means they made it through winter. They made it through the difficult season. They made it through the fight. They made it through the storm. They made it through where everything was dead or cold or brown. Man, I love spring. I love the season that we're in right now, where the weather's warming up and things are getting better and fresh life. That's what they're saying. That's the principle. Verse 12, before I realized it, my desire sent me amongst the royal chariots of my people. I don't have time to get into this, but what they said in this culture is if you invited someone back into your chariot, that means you reconciled your differences. You made things right. So he's invited her back into the chariot. That means they dealt with the issue and they worked it out together. So he says to her in verse 13, friends, come back, come back, O Shulamite. Come back that we may gaze on you. In other words, what he's saying is,

baby, I'm sorry. I never should have put my hand through that door. I never should have had anger in that manner. I know I shouldn't have gotten upset. I'm sorry. Let's make this right. Why would you gaze on the Shulamite as you dance on the Manningham? What they're saying is, let's throw a party. The chorus of friends are speaking. They're like, because they're not fighting anymore. It's all good. Forgiveness has been extended here. And that's number three. Number three, you got to determine if you're going to have a healthy marriage. If you're going to have a marriage that works together, I will fight for us, not just for me. I'll fight for us to win, not just my need to be right. And I'll tell you, the beauty of something staying together is greater than the personal victory you may ever have of winning a fight just to prove them wrong. And then you end up all alone. You end up all alone. And listen, I'll just challenge you with just this thought today as we close. Listen, everybody is so thankful for the grace and the mercy of God who forgives us of all of our sins. Why are we not called then to extend the same grace and the same mercy to others when they fall short of us? As the Bible says, forgive and you will not be forgiven. But one of the scariest verses in the Bible says,

if you do not forgive, God will not forgive you. And if you got about 15 minutes today after this message, at some point this afternoon, spend some time in Matthew 18. Open up your Bible and read that whole chapter. But in it, you'll see a parable about a man that owed a debt of over a million dollars and was forgiven completely of it. But then he found one of his servants who owed him two dollars and he got him thrown in jail because of that debt. And God says, no, no, no, I don't like that. That ain't right. That's messed up. The Bible says, actually, if your enemy is hungry, feed them. If he's thirsty, give him something to drink. You don't have to tell them what they deserve and what they don't deserve. Give them what they need. Do not overcome evil with evil, but overcome evil with good. You got to remember God's grace to you has readily been available for giving you of all of your sin, all of your past, all of your shame. We need to extend that same grace to lost and dying worlds and especially to our relationships that we're in today. Come on, if you're here today, maybe you just feel this in your heart, soul, mind. You just need some healing. You need some work in your relationship. So you just close your eyes just in this moment. Just lift your hands. Just kind of open them up right before the Lord, right here before him. He sees you right now in the middle of your struggle. He sees you in the middle of your pain. He sees you in the middle of your valley.

He sees you in the middle of your hurt. Father, you see every person that's here right now and you love them. God, your grace is readily available for them today. You're not looking at them angry with the laundry list of things that they've done wrong. You see the good in them, that you call them your children and you love them. And I pray today, Lord, just for every battle, every struggle. Maybe it's not just a marriage, God. Maybe it's in work, God. Maybe it's in a family member, extended family member. God, I pray healing. Pray your blessing. I pray the grace and the capacity to forgive as we've been forgiven. I thank you for these things. In Jesus name. Every head bowed, every eye closed. Just one more minute. Keep them.