Engagement: Before You Say I Do, Keep Your Wits About You

Song of Solomon, chapter 2. In the movie Braveheart, at the end of the movie, there's this scene where William Wallace is just about to be executed. He's sitting in his prison cell, and the queen comes in, who loves him, and is pleading with him to not go through with this. Like, there has to be another way. Surrender. Recant. Whatever. And he's not having any of that. So she finally pulls out this little vial with a serum in it and says, take this. It will dull the pain of this execution. And he says, his answer is, no. It will numb my wits, and I must have them all. So she knew she wasn't going to have him not die, so she's like, well, please, just take this. This will help you. This will dull the pain. And so he finally takes it, puts it in his mouth. Then she leaves the prison cell, and he spits it out. He wanted to have his wits about him, and he wanted them all. This phrase tends to mean to be alert, to be attentive, to be composed, to be aware, to be able to think clearly, to have your wits about you, mentally focused. And that's what we're going to be talking about today. Welcome to week three of this collection of messages that we've called Love is in the Air.

And we're talking about relationships. We've been looking at how our Christianity intersects with our sexuality, and that they are not mutually exclusive. You don't have to choose between a good sex life and the Christian life. In fact, the way to have the fullest and most satisfying sex life is by following God's plan for it. Sex was God-given, so it should be God-governed. And in these weeks, we've looked at, what does it look like when you like someone? A crush, that was week one. Week two last week was, what dating looks like? And I encourage you, if you missed those messages, you should go back. It's so helpful. Whether you're in the season or you're not, there's always someone in your life you could encourage. Or you may not be there yet, but you might be, and maybe sooner than you think. But this week, we're going to be honing in on engagement. Engagement, and this is the period of time between the question being asked, will you marry me, to the moment at the altar where the bride and the groom commit to each other in front of a group of people, I do. And my title this weekend is Engagement. Before you say I do, keep your wits about you. Engagement, before you say I do, keep your wits about you. I've had you turn to the book of the Song of Solomon, which we have been studying, where we're

learning about the subject. And it's so beautiful to see. We're in chapter 2 today, and we're going to start in verse 8. The voice of my beloved, behold, he comes leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, he stands behind our wall. He is looking through the windows, gazing through the lattice. My beloved spoke and said to me, rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is past. The rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth. The time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtle dove is heard in our land. The fig tree puts forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grapes--" we'll talk about that later, give a good smell. Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. And Father, we thank you for your word. We thank you that we're here. We've gathered. We're here to hear from you. So Lord, would you speak? Would you open our eyes, open our ears, open our hearts? Would our hearts be soft to you speaking to us, that the seeds of your truth would go down deep

into our hearts, changing us from the inside out? And we're expectant today for what you have for us. And we love you, Lord. In Jesus' name. Amen. Amen. OK, good. Just making sure you're still awake. This couple, I love this passage. This couple is giddy. They love each other. They are each blossoming. Over the past couple weeks, we've seen them grow individually, but their relationship is blooming and growing together. She's lighting up at the sound of his voice, and he's running to her and speaking tenderly to her. And as we look at what a godly engagement looks like, we see that their relationship has, number one, maturity. For those of you taking notes, maturity. This is the maturing of a relationship that has taken place over the passing of time. It's a maturing friendship that hasn't been rushed into. But now, they're ready to take it to the next level. They're going to the chapel, and they're going to get married. It's beautiful. And as they're growing, their relationship is growing. And it's so interesting, because there can be engagement extremes. On one hand, they've just been engaged forever.

There's no end in sight. On the other side of the spectrum, it's we just met, and we're getting married. We've only known each other for a few weeks, and we're getting married. There's two extremes. Our goal as believers is to not be on one end or the other, but to wisely, with godly counsel, be in the middle of that, where we're not engaged forever or engaged for not ever, where one side, it's impossible to stay sexually pure. On the other side, we're not doing any of the work that our relationship actually needs. And this couple, we find, hasn't fallen into either extreme. Their friendship, their relationship is blooming and blossoming. It says the winter is gone. The rain is gone. Flowers and singing and fruit in abundance. Springtime has sprung, and the hills are alive with the sound of music. There's beauty in these verses, and there's beauty in their relationship. They're excited. They're in love. Love is in the air. And this is such a sweet time in a friendship, a sweet time in a relationship. And if that's you, if you're engaged today, be engaged. Have fun.

Be Twitterpated. You're never going to be, if you get married, you're never going to have this period of time again where you're together, but you're not married yet. And you're committed to each other, but you're not married yet. It's so sweet. There's maturity in their friendship. Number two, let's look at verse 14 first. Oh, my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your face. Let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. We see in verse, the second aspect of a godly engagement is vulnerability. We see a ramping up of communication, of transparency, of them just wanting to know each other and spend time with each other and learn more about each other. There's the marketing that happens when you're first dating, and like, this is who I am. But then, like, the true colors start coming out. It's this idea of, if I'm going to marry you, and I'm going to commit my life till death do us part to you, then who are you exactly? Who are you? Who am I? Who are we together? This idea of vulnerability is going deeper with each other. It's sharing dreams and goals and desires.

It's letting them see it all, whether it's hard to reveal or not. It's revealing the baggage. We all have baggage. Some of us have loads and loads. Some of us have maybe somewhat smaller bags, but they might just be a little heavier. You know what I mean? Like, maybe the bigger ones, it's a lighter load. But the little ones, you watch out for the people with little baggage. It's heavier. But being willing to ask hard questions, reaching those levels of discomfort in a conversation where it's like, I don't know if we should go here. But entering into the uncomfortable conversations and moments and being willing to listen and talk through it. This is so important in this season. You might be asking, well, what if they can't get past the thing that I did in my past? Tell them still. What if they won't choose to forgive me? Tell them still. Better to find out now if the person that you're wanting to marry is a forgiver or not, or is the kind of person that comes clean, or is the kind of person that hides until they're found out. This is an opportunity to forgive and to go deeper in your relationship. Opening up emotionally causes intimacy

and allows the relationship to go through something hard and as a result, deepen and mature. That vulnerability is so important. And in order to do this, you need your wits about you. In order to have hard, difficult conversations, in order to ask, be curious, who are you? What is this? What was this like in your childhood? Who are you? You need your wits about you. I love how he says, let me hear your voice. Let me see your face, for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely. I just imagine them sitting at a little bistro table and just looking into each other's eyes and saying, hey, tell me more. Tell me more about that. Tell me more about that. I wanna know. I'm curious as to who my love is. And pro tip, guys, this is gold. This is such gold. So take notes. Let me hear your voice. Every girl wants to know that their voice wants to be heard. Every girl wants to know that their face wants to be seen. And I think on the reverse side too, I think men want to be heard, want to be seen, want to be known. Isn't that the cry of every human heart,

that we would be known by God, but also known by each other? When Levi leans in, and I know that he's not thinking about, because he's, I mean, you know him, he's thinking about all the things that needs to be done. But when he's focused in on me and he's asking me, what do you think about this? He's saying to me, your voice is sweet. And he's looking into my eyes. He's saying, my face is lovely. And that's the sexiest thing ever. By the way, Levi puts the man in romance and I'm Levi Lusko, you're bride or die. But I love this, this idea of vulnerability, listening, asking questions, being curious, leaning in this engagement period, leaning into this season of vulnerability. The potential of this season is powerful. And when you get there, what are you gonna do about it? And it's not even necessarily, when I get to be engaged, then I'll do this. There's so much happening in our hearts now, before we're dating, as we're single, before we're engaged, where we can be preparing the soil of our heart for the relationship that God has for us. Next, in verse 15, it says, catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes. My beloved is mine, and I am his. He feeds his flock among the lilies.

Until the day breaks and the shadows flee away, turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or a young stag upon the mountains of Beth-Air. The third thing that I see, the third and final thing I see is security. In this time of engagement, security, protection is important. Great buds on a vine, which first of all, I love the imagery of Song of Solomon. There's so much imagery of vineyards, of vines, of growth, of beauty. And I don't know if you've ever spent time at a vineyard, but even just sitting down at one and looking out, you just feel your heart rate going down and just like the calmness, the peace, the beauty of just looking out. There's nothing except vines growing. And maybe here and there, there's someone like trimming or watering or whatever, but it's just so calming. And I love that that imagery with relationships, this is the heart, this is the goal. But great buds are tiny, like a mustard seed, tiny, seemingly insignificant, nothing to look at. I brought a picture of some, and you can barely even see them. They're green, they're tiny, nothing to look at, but they're vulnerable. especially if they're not protected. In that day, it was the foxes. The little foxes would come into the vineyard

and eat these little grapes. And if the little tiny buds, and if the vines weren't protected, that these foxes could ruin vineyards, ruin the production of grapes. Today, apparently, rabbits are the culprits. And rabbits will come in, and they love the nibbling on these little tender grape buds. But the point is that these little buds need protection for what they need to grow into. And I took a picture years ago. It's me and Levi. We're in front of a vineyard, and you can barely see it. But these grapes on the side, these are full and ready to be harvested. We were there in September years ago. And as you can maybe tell by my swide-swooping hair and Levi's change of hair. Anyways, but we were there in September, which is harvest time. And the vines were just heavy with these luscious, full grapes. They had had time to grow and to mature. And they were protected, so they were able to grow and fulfill what their purpose was, to be grown, harvested, pressed, and turned into wine. I read that the most effective way to protect vines from these little creatures, whether it's a fox or a rabbit, which in my mind, I was like, oh, a rabbit? Oh, just let them be.

They're so sweet. But the lady that I was talking to, she was like, oh, it's actually jack rabbits. And so I was like, oh, yeah, get those guys out of there. They just can't trust them. Get them out of there. The most effective way to protect the vines is called physical exclusion. And this keeps the rabbits physically away. Because you can put dust things on the vines, on the grapes to deter them. So that you don't have to put anything on the grapes themselves, the best way is physical exclusion. So basically, like a little fence keeping them out. One of these foxes in relationships that can destroy the vineyard of a growing relationship is sexual behavior before the wedding. Chasing this type of fox takes work, proactivity, intentionality, focused boundaries. The list that I said earlier about having your wits about you, you have to be alert. You have to be attentive. You have to be aware. You have to be able to think clearly. You have to be mentally focused to get these little foxes out of the vineyard. By not adding sexual elements to the connection in this friendship, the fiancés are able to objectively make decisions

about their relationship. They're not clouded by what sex can do in a relationship. These fiancés can have their wits about them. They can see clearly and understand and see what's happening. And I think this is super helpful. Before you say, I do, sex is the only thing you want to do. But it's the only thing that won't help you. Before you say, I do, sex is the only thing you want to do. But it's the only thing that won't help you. Sex is blinding and binding, and it was designed to be that way. It blinds you in a married relationship. It blinds you to each other's faults. It binds you together in your commitment to each other. It gives off the feel-good hormones and makes you forget the fight and move forward. This was meant to be the cherry on top of a relationship, a marriage relationship that is deep, beautiful, blooming. So you have to fight to keep your wits about you. You have to fight to keep your wits about you in engagement. Sex will numb your wits, and you must have them all in engagement. So the idea here, the goal here, is that you're fighting to protect your marriage before it even starts. And I love that last week Levi went through this within dating relationships. And if you missed it, you need to go back and listen to it. But something that we do as a church for engaged couples is called SIMBAS.

And it stands for Saving Your Marriage. before it starts. And it's incredible. You take this test where you fill in what things that you struggle with, or things that you're not even aware of, but maybe your family of origin, or what you grew up with. And it makes it so that the mediator, or the pastor, or the small group leader can see so clearly, like, oh, there's a spot. There's a spot. There's a spot. Those are going to be the landmines in marriage. So those should really be the things that we focus on in this period of time of premarital counseling. And if you're engaged, and you're not thinking about premarital counseling, you need to. Well, save your marriage before it even starts. It's so important. And part of fighting to protect your marriage before it starts is this idea of restraint. And Levi went over it last week. When you're respecting the person that you love, regarding the person you love, you're going to have to practice restraint, because you're just going to want to make out all the time and have sex. So remember, it's not no. It's just not now. Sex is not bad.

Sex is a gift from God, and it's good in the place that God has it to be. I also find that it's interesting that the last word in this chapter is bether, B-E-T-H-E-R, bether. And this means separation, separation. It's interesting, because it kind of feels like at the end, like they're hanging out. They're telling each other, don't let the foxes in. But then it's almost like, hey, let's keep hanging out. And when it says turn, it's like, turn towards me. But what I was reading, it tends towards the opposite, turning away. If they say they're going to have sex, so she's like, OK, now you need to turn around, and you need to flee. You need to go, because it's not going in the direction that we want it to right now. And it says, be like a gazelle. Run. Be like a stag. Go. And upon the mountains of bether, separation. It's like, OK, you've got to be on one mountain, and the other one needs to be on the other mountain. You've just got to be drastic with temptation sometimes. Bether, there has to be a reminder to stay separated sexually until marriage, so that there will be less opportunity for the enemy to separate you in marriage. Fight to be set apart, focusing on the things

in your relationship that you need to focus on. You need to focus on integrity. You need to focus on getting to know each other. You need to focus on those things. So the energy that you would be using for that, pour it into this, because it will help you in your marriage. And I like how bether sounds like be there. Be there. And I'm sure it doesn't mean that. It says separation. But where are you today? Are you dating? Has God called you to this relationship? Be there. Where are you? Are you engaged? Are you engaged to someone who you feel like God has called you to be with, engaged right now? Be there. Are you married? Be there. Are you single? Be there. Be there. God has set you apart to be all there where He has you. And God will take you next where you need to be. You don't have to worry, is this person? Is this person? I need to find the person.

Be the person. Be there. Wait on Him. Paul, at the end of 1 Corinthians, he's ending his letter. And he's saying, hey, say hi to this person, this person. Do this. And don't forget this. And in verse 13 and 14, he says, watch. Stand fast in the faith. Be brave. Be strong. Let all that you do be done with love. And this sounds like keeping your wits about you. Keeping your wits about you in the Christian life. We're meant to have a stance. We're meant to watch, to be aware, to watch and pray, to watch and see what is God doing right here and right now and how can I be a part of it. Keep your wits about you. I also love the security. in their love for each other. In verse 16, she says, my beloved is mine, and I am his. My beloved is mine, and I am his. There's security in that. There's safety. There's security. There's strength in their relationship. Another threat to vineyards is disease. Disease can take out a whole entire vineyard.

And if you've ever been to one, you've seen that there are rose bushes all around. And I noticed this the first time I was ever at a vineyard. I noticed all these beautiful, different colored roses just everywhere. And I remember asking a friend that we were with, and they were saying that they are strategically placed at each vine in a vineyard because roses act as a natural warning system for grapevines. There's a picture here that I brought of a rosebush at the end of a vineyard. And first of all, it's just beautiful, and it smells wonderful. But the rosebush has a very specific role. Well, first of all, I want to show another photo that I think you just would love to see because it's your pastor and his wife dancing near a rosebush in a vineyard. It's great. OK. So the vine owners can see the effect of this disease first in the rosebush because the rosebush takes on whatever serious thing it is that could take out the whole vineyard. It hits the roses before it hits the vines. So then the vineyard caretaker, vintner, can take care of that. And he knows exactly what to do. And he starts to see it in the little roses. It's like, oh, OK. Into action. This is what we've got to do.

The roses take the hit. And I want to end with, I'm sure you're seeing where this is headed, but I want to end with the rose of all roses, Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. He took what was meant for us, death, shame, regret, heartache, and He took it on Himself. Earlier in these chapters in the Song of Solomon, it talks about the lovers talk to each other. And one says, you're the rose of Sharon. And what that means is you're the rose. You're the rose of all the roses. I'm looking out at the rose field of all the rosebushes, and you are the rose of all. Jesus is the rose. He is the human of all humans. He is the King of all kings. He is the Lord of all lords. He died and rose again from the dead so that we could be raised to life. He took the disease of sin on Him. And it's interesting to me because Jesus Himself refused to dull the pain while He was on the cross. He chose to feel every bit of it. In those days, Roman soldiers would customarily give a narcotic drink. It would be sour wine laced with bitter gall or myrrh to dull the pain of crucifixion. And in Mark 15, 23, it says, then they,

those who were crucifying Him, gave Him wine mingled with myrrh to drink, but He did not take it. Jesus, our Savior, had His wits about Him as He suffered and died for us. As He gave His life as a ransom for many, He chose to feel every bit of the pain. And He took it on Himself so that we could be brought near to God. God's love in that moment was raised up in the air for you and for me. Thank you, God. We thank you, Lord. We thank you that you sent your son to die on the cross for us, as us. You give us life. You give us fresh life. You give us real life. And that's what we want. That's what we need. I thank you, God. Thank you that you are like the rosebush taking on what could have taken us out. And you saved us. You saved us. And I just want to take a moment and just wait on the Lord. And really, I know that this topic just always brings up hard stuff, because it's a hard subject. It's a difficult thing. Relationships are hard. Even the best of them, they're hard.

And I love that every week Levi has so intentionally said that we're not speaking to your shame. We're not speaking to your past. We're not speaking to what you have done. We're speaking to your future. We're speaking to fight for your future. I'm just so grateful that we serve a God of second chances, third chances, of all the chances. But we also serve a God of the fresh start. And so I just want to take a moment and, with your eyes closed, believing that there may be some here today who have been wrecked by relationships, who have been hurt. I mean, you can just maybe feel it even now in your chest. It's just like, oh, yeah, I feel that. I feel that heartache. I feel that pain. I feel that rejection. I feel that pain. And maybe it's a fresh pain, or maybe it's from years and years ago. And I want to give you a moment, if that's you, to sit, maybe even just reach your hands out, just right in front of you. Releasing to God the shame that so quickly builds up in our hearts, the shame that can be so sedentary that it can stay for years and years and decades and decades. And I want to give you space to release that to the Lord. Release that to the Lord, the heartache, the betrayal. And yes, there's always counseling that's needed

or community and confiding in someone. But right now, between you and the Lord, just saying, I give it to you, God. I can't bear this weight. And you can't bear this weight because you weren't meant to. And God takes it. And I want you to think of, imagine God just putting His hands under yours. And maybe with shame in your eyes, you just feel that, and you're looking down at. Just imagine Him lifting your head up and looking into your eyes and saying, your face is lovely. Your voice is sweet. Look into my eyes. I love you. And receive His love for you today. He gives us His grace for shame. He gives us His peace. Receive it. Lord, I pray that these would leave these doors with a renewed sense of your presence in their lives, and that they can walk forward into the marriage that they're already in, or the future marriage that they will be in, or the relationships with their kids and their brothers and sisters, that they can approach further relationships knowing that you are the God who redeems and refreshes and restores and can take a past full of pain and hurt and heartache and move forward. And I also just want to take a moment,

and if there's anyone here who has never just surrendered their life to Jesus, today is the day. Now is the moment. And I love that you can pray out loud. You could pray in your heart. You could just raise your hand and say, yes, Jesus, I choose you. I want you. And if that's you, you can literally just say in your heart, Jesus, I need you. I've tried to live my life without you. I've tried to live my life the way culture says I should. But I trust you. I choose you. Change me, Lord, from the inside out. We love you, Lord. We trust you. We need you. Thank you for giving us purpose and peace and life. We love you, Lord.