Which Primal Question Is Secretly Driving You? | More Than A Game | Week 4

- Morning. It is great to be in Colorado. It's great to be at Flatirons. My name is Mike Foster. I live on the left coast. I hope that's okay. From San Diego. But I know this is a great place. I know this is a church that welcomes everybody. So it's good to be with you this morning. God wants to show you something this morning about yourself that you probably don't know right now. That's what we're gonna talk about. That's what we're gonna dive into. There's been some interesting research around how self-aware human beings are. And apparently, we aren't very self-aware. They did an attractiveness study and in order to kind of determine how self-aware people are. And they took two groups of people. They took men and they took women and they separated them. And they asked them a simple question. They asked them to rate themselves on their attractiveness on a scale of one to 10. 10 meaning you're super hot. One meaning, well, you're not, okay? You get the point. And so what they found was that women tended to rate themselves lower on the attractiveness scale than they really were.

A man on the other hand. No big surprise, right? Men tended to rate themselves higher on the attractiveness scale than they really were. And so I know some of you men in the room right now are going, man, I'm a nine, I'm a 10. My wife is so lucky to have me. And bro, you are a five, all right? Let's just own that. It's the self-awareness knowing who we are and why we show up the way we show up and being on to ourselves is such an important factor to living a flourishing Christian life, to honoring God, we actually have to know ourselves and know how God created us, know what God says about us, and understand some of the things deep within us. King David says this in Psalms 26, too. He says, "Test me, Lord, and try me. "Examine my heart and my mind." David is calling out to God. He says, "Look at me, show me things "that I don't see right now. "Show me things that I don't understand about who I am "because I want to know. "I want to know why I do what I do." And so this morning I want to share with you a concept, a framework, to help you understand a core fundamental need about who you are and what drives you. Now we all have a spiritual need

that only God can answer to and meet within us, but we also have a deep emotional need that we've been carrying our entire lives. And God has something to say about that and wants to meet that also, but if we don't see this need within us, this deep human need, this emotional need, that need is going to run the show. I grew up in Southern California, and my mom and dad used to take me and my sister to Disneyland every year. We'd make an annual pilgrimage, and my favorite ride at Disneyland was the motorboat cruise. And the motorboat cruise was this little boat ride where a kid, eight-year-old little Mike could get in the boat and he'd get behind the wheel and he could drive all around fantasy land lagoon. It was awesome. It turned the boat and controlled the speed of the boat and I'm navigating through rocks and around other boats and under the pylons of the monorail and I pull up to the dock to let the next kid get in the boat and I pull up to the dock and every time I pull up to the dock I wouldn't stick the landing. I'd be like just an inch away from the dock but not crash into the dock. And I just thought, "Man, I'm pretty good at this." 'Cause I got a little wiser and older as a 10-year-old. I realized that when I got into the motorboat cruise

and I started driving my boat, yeah, I would be able to kind of turn left and right but the boat would sort of self-correct back to a particular path. You see what 10-year-old Mike understood that eight-year-old Mike didn't understand was that there was a track underneath the water. You see, Walt Disney and his team of lawyers was not going to allow little kids just to drive boats all around Fantasyland Lagoon wherever they wanted to. The liability there is horrible, right? So there's a track underneath the water. I didn't know about that as an eight-year-old. I thought I was the captain of my own ship. In fact, I was just moments away from signing up for the United States Navy. I thought I was so good at this, right? So you and I have a track. And it's called a primal question. And that primal question represents your deepest need, your deepest emotional need as a human being. And so, as we think about this track, this track impacts so many different aspects of our life. It impacts our marriage. It impacts our relationships. It impacts our relationship with God. It impacts how we parent. It impacts our gifts and our strengths. And it all comes back to this particular track.

And if you and I don't see it, we live at a massive disadvantage. And so I want to share with you this framework called the seven primal questions. And these seven primal questions represent a core human need, powerful need. And one of these questions is driving your life. One of these needs is your track. And here's what it looks like. Here's kind of the framework. And by the way, friends, this is seven years of research, 6,000 hours of 101 interviews, 200,000 assessments, 22 group labs to come up with this. And you're like, Mike, you've been wasting your life, okay? But here it is. It's very simple, but very profound. It has a lot of horsepower and influence behind it. And so here's how it works. You and I in our early childhood are imprinted with a primal question. A need, a deep need that went unmet or was confusing to us in our early childhood. As kids, we're asking 250 questions a day 'cause we're just trying to figure out how the world works. And so we're asking these questions to our caretakers and to our family system. And we're getting these answers back. And some of these answers for you when it comes to your core deep need as a human being came back with a really harsh no.

It came back really confusing. It came back really harsh. And so it imprints a question upon your heart. And now you carry that question into your adult life and subconsciously underneath the water, you keep asking that question. You keep asking for others to answer that question with a yes to meet that deepest need of yours. And so when you get a yes to your primal question, life is good. But when you get a no or a maybe to your primal question, when that need goes unmet, you go into what I call the scramble. And the scramble is all the things that we have figured out to try to force the answer back to yes, try to force our way to have that need met in our life. It looks like people pleasing and perfectionism and workaholicism, overgiving, over responsibility, self abandonment. That's what the scramble looks like. And the scramble is responsible for all of the anxiety and exhaustion and fear in your life. 'Cause you're just trying to get this need met. And so what I wanna do is I wanna walk through all seven questions with you this morning. And as I walk through those questions, I want you to see if one of those questions might be your track, might be the question that's controlling your life right now. That's controlling how you show up,

controlling your triggers and your activators, and controlling how you see the world, it's the lens of how you might see everything, see if you could find your track. 'Cause God wants to reveal that to us this morning. 'Cause God has something to say about that question. God has something to say about that need, that deep need within you that you've been carrying. And so the first question, first primal question is the question, am I safe? And this is just the need for physical and emotional safety. And every question comes with what I call kryptonite, the thing that will instantly send you into your scramble. So when you don't feel safe, you enter into the scramble and you have figured out strategies to try to make yourself safe. So what's the kryptonite here? The thing that will instantly send you into this scramble is confusion, surprises, and unpredictability. Usually inference of this question, you grew up in a home where maybe there was a lot of neglect or abuse or instability, nothing was predictable. You were forced as a child to sort of predict or prevent things from happening from you being hurt, from you being yelled at, whatever it might be. This is actually my primal question, and here's my story. So when I was young, my parents used to have taken me over when they would go away. And the problem is this so-called trusted friend, family friend, was not to be trusted

because every time I went over there, that person would abuse me. And this went on for over a year. And I finally mustered up the courage to share with my mom and dad what was going on. And I told them, and we never talked about it again. And so here I am as a little kid asking a question, am I safe? I have one adult who's hurting me, and two adults who seem to be doing nothing about it. Now I don't blame my parents for that. In fact, my parents did take steps to protect me, but I just didn't know. And so what happened in that moment, there's a decision that a child made, and that child made this decision, I will figure out ways to make sure that that need for safety is met. And so that question is imprinted a little Mike's heart. And he carries that now into his adult life, and he asks this question over and over again, am I safe? And he creates safety through his own scramble when he doesn't feel safe. And it looks like hyper-vigilance. It looks like hyper-control. I believe that if I can know everything, then I can prevent bad things from happening to me. And so I live in this place of anxiousness and fear, and I'm trying to control all the variables so that I can be safe. Does this feel true of you today? Does this resonate that perhaps that's the way

you've been operating your life? It shows up in all different ways. At my house, I have 29 lights. Why? Because I don't like the dark. I don't like not being able to see. When I go to a restaurant, I sit down and I think about where the exits are in case somebody comes in with a gun. When I go skiing with, snow skiing with my wife who's a really good skier, guess who's on the bunny slopes? This guy, OK? Safety is the calculation that I use. And that's the power of the primal question. And yet God wants to meet me in that question this morning. He wants to meet you in your primal question. And he wants to answer it with a yes. I got you, Mike. I got you. See, our problem is, is when we don't trust God with our deepest need, we seek other sources and we take out the control ourselves or we look to other people to make us feel safe or to meet that need. But here's what I want to say to you. If this is your primal question, don't outsource your peace to a world that's committed to chaos. You are not going to find a yes out there. You simply are not. But when you trust God with your safety,

here's what God's word says in Psalm 18, too. It says, the Lord is my protector. He is my strong fortress. My God is my protection. And with him, I am what? Safe. He protects me like a shield. He defends me and keeps me safe. See, that's the promise of God. When we bring the question in my safe, he wants to say a thousand yeses to it. Primal question number two is the question am I secure? And this is simply the need for financial security and connection. And the cryptonite here is financial instability. So perhaps you grew up in a home. Again, the early childhood imprint is, maybe you grew up in a home where money was tight or there wasn't a lot or there was a scarcity mindset or maybe mom and dad were always arguing about the bills. There's just this sense of like, there just wasn't enough. And you tuned into that. And maybe when you asked your parents or your family ecosystem, are we secure? Do we have enough? And you've got to know back. And so that question is now imprinted on your heart. And all of a sudden now money and resource becomes the driving force of your life.

It becomes your track. It's how you think about everything. Do I have enough? And God has something to say about this. He wants to answer this question for you. In Philippians 4.19, it says this, and my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. See as Christ followers, we know the person who owns everything. God's got the checkbook. And he can write a check. He can provide the resource. Whatever abundance you might need in your life, he holds it, okay? And so here we are out in our scramble trying to secure ourselves, trying to make enough money, check in our stocks every day. so that we compare bills and we live in this scramble and it's exhausting and it is not the faith journey that God is inviting you into. He says, "Trust me, I've got it." Question number three, primal question number three is the question, am I loved? And this is simply the need to feel seen, heard, and known. For somebody to lean in with you, to be present with you, this means so much to you. It's the thing that you are wanting in relationships and the kryptonite here is indifference.

Maybe you were the middle child and you were just sort of overlooked. Maybe you just always felt like, man, nobody really paid much attention to you. And you're just confused and going, "M, I love, does anybody really wanna know me?" And so, you know, this particular question, one of the downsides of this question is that people who have this primal question often settle for sloppy seconds and romantic relationships. You know why? Because they'll just take whatever they can get when it comes to love. They lower their standards just so they can get a cheap yes. And so, if this is your question, you gotta stand in the truth of God's love for you and not be seeking out through your scramble to try to get cheap love or sloppy seconds love. That's not how we need to show up. In fact, in 1 John 3.1, it says this. See what great love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God and that is what we are. You are loved by God. And so, I wanna challenge you this morning. I wanna ask you and I want you to think about this question, who gets to answer the deepest question of your life? Who gets to answer your primal question this morning?

Your wound or your God? Because some of us are still carrying around the scars and the brokenness of our early childhood or our story and we're being defined by this wound and the scar. We're allowing that to define whether we are loved or not. And God says, I get to define that. In fact, the enemy of your life wants you to debate what God has already decided. Do you wanna live in the question? You wanna keep asking God, how could you even possibly love me? He goes, don't you get it? You are my great possession. You are my child. You are my beloved. I desire a relationship with you. Let God answer the question, am I loved with a thousand yeses? Question number four is the question, am I wanted? And that's simply the need to feel accepted and to be pursued and to belong. And the kryptonite here, the thing that would send you into your scramble is rejection of a friend named Bob Goff. He's a New York Times bestselling author and Bob and I do a lot of stuff together and he wrote a book called Love Does. And Bob is just an amazing man, just a unique guy and his primal question is, am I wanted? Because he faced a lot of rejection early on in his childhood.

His mom and dad basically thought he was weird and strange. They didn't like his faith, they didn't like his personality. They thought he was weird and he felt that. And that message got put in him over and over again that Bob, we don't really necessarily want you. And so that question got imprinted on Little Bobby's heart and Bob is one of the most inclusive people I have ever met. In fact, one of the things that Bob did was that Bob put his cell phone number in the back of his book and books. He's written many, but the book Love Does, two million copies, two million people have Bob's cell phone number and it's actually his cell phone number. Why does Bob do that? Well, Bob does that because number one, every time somebody calls him, guess what? He gets a yes to his primal question I might want to say. Sometimes this stuff plays out very quietly underneath the surface of why we do what we do. But here's the more important thing about Bob. See, the research shows that we take our primal question, whatever it might be, and we place it over everybody else. And we assume that everybody else is asking the same question that we are. And so what we have learned to do is we've become experts at answering our own primal question. You may be an expert at helping people feel loved. Bob is an expert at helping people feel wanted because the thing that you need most

is the thing that you most want to give away. See, this is the grace and mercy of God. He takes our brokenness, he takes that pain, he takes that wound, and he turns it into a purpose. He gives you a gift that comes through that hurt. And so Bob puts his phone number in the back of the book, yes, because he gets a yes when you call, but he also wants you to know that you're wanted. Only friends give out their phone numbers, okay? Bob looks at all of us and he sees us as friends. I don't do that. My primal question is, am I safe? I'm gonna help you feel safe, but I ain't giving you my phone number, okay? But that's Bob's gift. And so whatever your primal question is, see that the need is not a problem. The scramble is the problem. The need is just something that you have that needs to be leveraged for the kingdom of God. See, your scars can tell the story of what happened to you or they can tell the story of what God did with it, okay? Question number five, am I successful? And this is simply the need to feel appreciated for your contributions and your wins. And the crypto night here is failure. Some of you in this room right now are being driven by this question, by this need to succeed. And it's all you think about,

it's how you organize your day and your life and your relationships. And when you feel like you're failing, you start getting into your scramble. See, these are our Tom Brady's and our Serena Williams and our Tiger was, the people are just driven to win. Because there's something that happened in your early childhood that said, "In order for me to matter, "in order for me to be good, "in order for me to have a relationship "with people as I gotta be a winner." And so you spend your days and your nights and your weeks trying to prove that you are. And here's the thing, you can spend your whole life proving yourself and actually never really knowing who you are, how God sees you. What would it look like for you if this is your question, am I successful? There's a lot of men in this room that have this question, by the way. What would it look like for you if you started showing up to your day and your life and your story, not asking the question anymore? And you show up in what I write about in the book, The Primal Truth, where you show up in the statement, "I am successful." How might that shift your life and your relationships, your choices, your priorities? If you showed up in the statement versus the question,

and this is true for all the questions, what would it look like for you to actually show up instead of asking the question, am I loved? You show up in the statement, I am loved. For me to show up in the, not the question, am I safe? I am safe. This is a new way of seeing life, and because God is answering our questions with a thousand yeses, it seems to me that we, that is sort of our posture in the world. I don't have to worry about my safety. You don't have to worry about being loved. You don't have to worry about being successful. You don't have to worry about being secure. You don't have to be worried about wanting, because it's already been decided. Now, why don't you start living like it? Question number six, am I good enough? This is just the need to feel valued and affirmed for who you are, and the cryptonite here is criticism, and I love what the artist did with this, this little drawing here, because some of us in the room feel like broccoli surrounded by two ice cream cones, and you're just like, I will never measure up. I will never be good enough. The early childhood imprint here looks like just a lot of criticism from your parents, perhaps, a lot of nitpicking. Perhaps there's some religious shame in the system, and you just feel like, oh my gosh,

I am a flawed, horrible human being, and I'm just gonna spend every day of my life trying to prove that I'm good, that I have the right to be here, that my life matters, and you're captured by this track of unworthiness instead of stepping in to who you really are. When I was in junior high high school, I was a big, big nerd, and I know that's hard to believe. But I was a skinny kid at Acne, I wore braces for like almost five years. That's a long time. My two front teeth were broken out because of a bike accident. My parents didn't want to fix my teeth until my braces came off. And I was just like a physical mess. I was insecure, I didn't have a lot of friends, I was an introvert, kind of a loner. And top all that off, I played the French horn in the band, okay? So you get the picture. There wasn't a lot of worth happening here in my early teenage years. But there was this really beautiful thing that happened every day when I went to school. You see my dad would put together a lunch for me, sandwich and some chips and he'd write on the little yellow note and he'd put all of that into a brown paper bag, stuff it into my backpack and send me out to school and I was lucky I had a dad that loved me, I had a dad who did this. I know that's not true for all of us, but this was important because when I lunchtime at school, I'd head to the library because that's where all the nerds hung out. And I'd eat my lunch there and then I'd pull out this little yellow note and this little yellow note was my lifeline. It was the thing that I needed to hear and it wasn't poetic, it was basically the same thing every day. It just said, "Dear Mike, I hope you have a great day at school.

I love you, dad." And to know that my dad loved me, cared about me, was interested in me. And I can only imagine the reality of the situation, like maybe my dad wished I played for the football team instead of the French horn and maybe my dad wished I would have brought home more girlfriends because I brought home absolutely none, okay? But that didn't change our relationship, he loved his son, you know, sometimes friends, we need the voice of the father to become louder than the voice of our fears. Maybe this morning you're asking the question, "Am I good enough?" And God just wants to say, "Do you not understand? I've been sending you little yellow notes every single day of your life. You're good enough. I want you. You matter to me. I'm pursuing you. Maybe that's what you need to hear this morning from God, a big resounding yes to that question of, "Am I good enough?" Final question is a question to have purpose and this is simply the need to live a life of impact, meaning, and significance. And the Kryptonite here is pointless work. It's sort of like a peloton that's been turned into a clothes rack. Some of you are really struggling with this right now because maybe you grew up in the church and the research shows that a lot of people who grew up in church have this as their primal question of the thing. The defining need of their life is to have a purpose, to have impact. And maybe right now you're feeling like your life doesn't matter that much. You're feeling like you're not having the impact that you thought you would have. You're maybe questioning God. It's like, "God, I thought I was supposed to save the world and now I'm doing Excel spreadsheets Monday through Friday." I'm like, "What happened?

Did I miss the on-ramp to your great purpose for my life?" Some of you are struggling with what I call calling angst and you're in your scramble. Let me remind you this, maybe. Maybe you don't need a bigger assignment. Maybe you need to stop believing your life only matters when you do something important. Let me share something about purpose that's really important because I think a lot of concepts and ideas about purpose have been defined by the world, that it's got to be big, it's got to be front page news, it's got to be celebrated. That's true purpose, that's true impact, but that's the world's standards, that's not God's standards. See the way God looks at it? If you are in Rwanda digging wells to create clean water, to bring clean water to a village or whether you're today making a sandwich, a peanut butter chili sandwich for your five-year-old, all of it has purpose. All of it is meaningful to God. Don't get that twisted just because it's not celebrated or in the lights, it's somehow your life doesn't have impact. [BLANK_AUDIO] Word and I love this verse because I don't know what your question is this morning but you have one and God wants to say something to you about it and this is what he wants to say for all the promises of God in him or what yes and in him a man to the glory of God through us you see God has said there isn't a need that you could carry into this room that he can't meet there isn't a question that you could carry into this room today that he can't answer yet we are living our lives in the scramble we're doubting something that's already been decided so maybe we need to step out in faith and say God here's my deepest need my primal question and God I hand it over to you and I'm gonna allow you to answer that with a yes and I am going to show up in a new way I'm not just gonna sing about how you're my fortress and my protector and that you can make me safe I'm gonna start living that way I'm not just gonna read Bible verses about

how much you love me or how how amazing your grace is and not show up in the world knowing that that's true do you see the disconnect there it's like we either believe it's a yes we're gonna continue to ask the question and live in our scramble the implications are huge friends that one that will side note one the most impactful things in terms of your primal question is how you parent how many of you have kids right now yeah do you know that you parents through your primal question so you take your primal question you put it over your kids okay and typically what we do as parents is we tend to over index on that question on that need so I was a overly protective father because I wanted my kids to be safe you know I'm the guy running the FBI background checked when my kids going to spend the night at somebody's house that's not healthy parenting see we need to understand the track we need to be self-aware we need to see what's underneath the water by the way good parenting is answering all seven questions for our kids with yes that's good parenting being clear with our children meet those needs in a very clear way having conversations with them about it so God wants us to trust him but we got a we got a name what is true of us we got a name what is real we gotta be like King Dave and say test me show me Lord what I need to do next show me the things that I do not see show me the things underneath the water so that I can finally be free I want to give you an opportunity to take two two steps number one we're gonna put up a QR code on the screen and if you want to take the primal question assessment it's a free assessment takes about five minutes and will help you identify your primal question if you don't know it already by the way if you're not taking out your phone I'm assuming you do not want to grow okay that's all I'm saying just kidding but if you want to take the assessment you can click on that QR code link and it will take you ask you about 20 questions and it will give you a result of what your deepest need is second option second they want to encourage you do is get a copy of the book in the lobby by the way I went out there and I saw that my book was next to the Bible those are the only two books on the table this morning I'm like this is a choice isn't that we're gonna make

do you go with God's word or do you go with Mike's ideas okay but if you already have a Bible I encourage you pick one up it's $15 I'm actually gonna be out in the the lobby area I would love to say hi to you $15 at the resource by the way men there's a lot of pictures in this book I've kept it very simple for you okay it's very easy if you're in a relationship right now read this together share with your kids maybe you know somebody's like I'll somebody need to hear this message this morning they need they have a primal question that they don't know about pick it up and give it to a friend $15 in the lobby let me just close in prayer and say a blessing over you God thank you so much for who you are for your love for your goodness God I thank you for meeting our deepest need God help us to trust you God, let us understand that the whole relationship that you are wanting to have with us is saying yes to our primal question, for us to trust you, to have faith, and not to debate what's already been decided, God, by you, through your son, Jesus, who gave his life on the cross so that we can have a relationship with you. We love you, we thank you, and it's in your son's name that we pray, and all of God's children said, amen. [applause]