The Art of the Fight- Pastor Chris Lindberg

Good morning, men and women. Good to be able to speak into your life again this morning from Life Fellowship Church here in McKinney, Texas on the Pando app. What an amazing blessing that just technology is and to be able to have tablets there in the prisons where we can speak into your life and bring you content that can build you up and edify you. It's amazing. My name is Logan Williams. My TDC number is 1490218. I did not have a tablet when I was in prison. I was left to just try to figure it out, try to fill the time with positivity. I know it's really difficult in that environment to remain positive. I know some places are better than others, but what a blessing it can be to just return to your bunk in the midst of the madness and just put on some worship music or put on a teaching or even just listen to the Bible being read. What a blessing. We're so thankful for that. Hey, I want to remind you that you can have your friends and family download the same Pando app that you get there on your tablets. We can get it on our phone and you can watch the same messages and the same teachings. You can look at the same videos and you can talk about it and bounce ideas off each other. Hey, would the Holy Spirit speak to you through that message? Hey, what did you think about that new song that that worship team put out? Just positive conversations you can have with your family and your kids. Positive spiritual-based conversations that you can have. So yeah, I encourage them to do that. And I just want to say, man, to some of you that we here at Life Fellowship, we have a team of people that respond to letters, letters that you may write and ask about biblical questions. If you just want a positive mentor slash pen pal that can speak life into you, pray over

you, answer your questions, do this spiritual walk with you. Now if you're a man, it's going to be a man that writes you back. And if you're a female, it's going to be a female that writes you back. Our policy, we don't allow men to write females. So if you are a male and you're writing one of the worship singers or the guitar player or some female in this building, they're not even getting it. So don't even waste your time. We do want you to have positivity in your life, but we're not going to be a matchmaking company. We're not going to, and it just gets real goofy and some really funky stuff has happened. You guys know what I'm talking about. So we just made it a policy that, you know, if you're a dude and you write a chick in this facility, it goes straight in the trash can. We don't even read it. So don't even bother wasting time with that. We want to walk with you. We want to answer your mail, but it's got to be, you know, godly. It's got to be stuff that's going to build you up and edify you. We're not going to go try to find your baby mama that hasn't called you or hasn't answered the phone in six months. We're not going to go try to find your mom and call her and tell her to put money on your books. We don't do any of that. We're not even allowed to do that and be TDCJ certified. We're not allowed to establish that type of relationship with you guys. So I just want to put that out there so you don't waste time. We're getting a lot of letters from men to various women here in the church. So yeah, that's our policy. But please, if you have questions, if you want to have someone walk with you, man, we got a team that responds to those letters.

But make sure we can read your name, we can spell it properly, and we have your number. Because if any of that is wrong, if you just slop it down and we can't accurately put your name or the number, it comes back to us, it says non-deliverable. And then you say, oh, Life Fellowship didn't write me back. Yeah, well, we tried, but we couldn't read your writing. So I want to read you guys, man, we're in the middle of an amazing series on the book of Galatians. And I just love the way that both pastors, Pastor Chris here... here at the McKinney campus and Pastor John at the Anna campus and they've actually flipped and preached at the opposite places but how they've taken this series and really made it practical, it's really awesome. So I've got another practical thing for you. I have, I'm gonna read you guys a group of scriptures and I want you to look for the similarities. Look for the common denominator in each of these. The first one is 2 Corinthians 3, 17. Now the Lord is the spirit and where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord are being changed into his likeness, one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the spirit. The next one is Philippians 4, 8. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

That's Philippians 4, 8. The next one is 2 Corinthians 4, 18. So we fix our eyes, not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. The next one's Hebrews 3, 1. Therefore holy brothers who share in the heavenly calling, we fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess. Hebrews 12, 2 and 3 says, let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men that you will not grow weary and lose heart. And the last one is Psalm 25, 15. My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. It's talking about what are we focusing on? What are we fixing our eyes on? What are we fixing our thoughts on? And I know especially, you know, it's not just in facilities like you guys are in. In the world, man, like there's so much negativity. There's so much stuff that we can fix our eyes on and fix our thoughts on that cause us to worry, be anxious, be in fear, be in doubt.

I mean, there is plenty. And so we're gonna have to take this energy and put this effort into thinking about what we focus our mind on. Like, what is your mind set on? It says in the scriptures that the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the spirit is life and peace. What is a mind set on the flesh looks like? It's gonna worry about, am I gonna lose something that I already have? Am I gonna not get something that I already want? Am I gonna make this parole or not make this next parole? Am I gonna get that job? Am I gonna get that whatever, that girl? You know, all these things that many times we don't have any control whatsoever over the outcome of that. You can worry your butt off, okay? Some of you I know are not in Texas, but I can just speak for parole in Texas, okay? There is no rhyme or reason to parole in Texas. It literally seems like a coin flip. I don't even know if they have time to read all the, it doesn't seem like it. So you can worry all you want about if you're gonna make this parole and let me go get my parole letters and let me make sure I have my parole packet and it's all presented in this way

and this is my license and this is what I'm gonna do when I get out and I gotta make sure it's all, you know, we can worry about that, but we really have no control over it. It doesn't seem like anyone does. That was the most frustrating thing about parole in Texas. It just seemed like it was random. Same thing with, you know, the job. Same thing with all the stuff that we worry about. There's plenty in there to worry about and there's plenty out here to worry about. Maybe you're sitting in county jail and you're worried about your court date. You're worried about if they're gonna come off that 10-year sentence that they offered you. You're worried about whether you're gonna even get to court in the next three months, six months, nine months. And how long am I gonna be stuck here? None of those things you have any control over, but they used to consume me and I used to get so angry, you know, at my lawyer and I would get so angry at the court system and I would get so angry like, man, this whole system's is jacked and I would blame them and blame, and I'm the one that put me there. You know, I'm the one that was driving around selling dope and got pulled over with a big bag of dope.

I'm the one that did that. They didn't do that. I'm the one that did that. And so now that I'm here, now that you're in the position that you're in, it doesn't do any good to do all that blaming and do all that, man, if I would've only done this or man, if I would've only done that and take this time and not waste it, but to fix your eyes on Jesus, to fix your eyes on what is true and what is noble and what is right and whatever is pure and lovely and admirable and excellent and praiseworthy, to fix our eyes on the unseen, the spiritual realm and not the seen realm. Like all this that we see, this is all temporary. It's not even real. It's not even gonna last. It's gonna burn up. And so we have an opportunity when we get incarcerated, right, to start putting these things into practice. Like God, if you're watching this video, God is knocking on the door of your heart. God is trying to draw you to him. He's trying to entice you. He wants you to choose, though. He doesn't want a robot that's just gonna automatically go to him. He wants you to choose, okay?

And then he's gonna bless you, man, when you say yes. And saying yes means I'm gonna try my hardest to fix my eyes on what the Bible says to fix my eyes and my thoughts on and not the same old things I've been doing and thinking about and looking at and worrying about my entire life. And it's hard because we're in this pattern of thinking and watching and tripping on all this stuff. And now we gotta do it a new way. But you know, you're in the situation that you're in. Some of you are gonna be there for a while. Now's a good time to put that into practice because that's the only way, man, we're gonna change is by the removing of our mind. That's the only way that things are gonna be different. I had four long, well, I call it long, long, it depends on what you consider long, stints in incarcerated of about two and a half years. And every time, every time I got out, I never took any action while I was there. I never tried to put any of this stuff into practice. I just said, well, I'll know what to do when I get out because I don't wanna come back. And that never worked, that never worked. So I wanna just encourage you guys. I'll just the scriptures again, 2 Corinthians 3.17, Philippians 4.8, 2 Corinthians 4.18, Hebrews 3.1, Hebrews 12, two and three, and Psalm 25.15. Man, go over those.

If you got a journal, write them down, meditate on it. See what God has to say about it and ask him to help you because that's how we renew our mind. So Father, in the name of Jesus, I thank you for all these men and all these women that you've drawn to yourself, that you have put in their heart to watch this video today. It's just amazing, God, that how you've put all this technology together and we're able to record a message today and put it on the Pando app that hundreds of thousands of inmates can watch and be edified. And God, we just wanna say thank you. We just wanna say thank you for that blessing. God, I just ask, man, that this message that they're about to watch falls on fertile ground, God, that you would prepare their hearts, that it would be good soil that these seeds fall in. God, I pray that you would just do everything you can to let these men and women know that you are after them, that you love them, that you have a plan and a purpose for their life that they can't even fathom or imagine, and that all you're looking for is their yes. And just like the prodigal son, man, if he just takes a few steps outside of the pigpen, man, you'll see them from a long ways away and you'll come running to them.

And I thank you that you're a God who loves us that much. So God, we just invite you in, man, to do what only you can do and we just give you all the praise and glory in Jesus' name, amen, amen. All right, guys, whose house? God's house, let's give Him some praise. ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Good morning church, we're so glad to see you all. Let's say the glory of God and let's get together. ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Now let us rejoice. This is a day of blessing. So our joy is everywhere, it's our joy is everywhere. This is where I believe That You are more than enough, more than enough So wonderful to hear Your promise You are stronger than I can be When I'm standing in Your presence I have everything I need The joy of the Lord, the joy of the Lord is my strength The joy of the Lord, the joy of the Lord is my strength Oh my soul, oh my soul, bless this day All that is within me say The joy of the Lord, the joy of the Lord is my strength Jesus, come what may You are worthy, You are worthy of all my praise So wonderful to hear Your promise

You are stronger than I can be When I'm standing in Your presence I have everything I need The joy of the Lord, the joy of the Lord is my strength The joy of the Lord, the joy of the Lord is my strength Oh my soul, oh my soul, bless this day All that is within me say The joy of the Lord, the joy of the Lord is my strength The joy of the Lord is my strength Let it rise up like a river Overflowing Holy Spirit Let it pour out with all in it Overflowing Holy Spirit Let it rise up like a river Overflowing Holy Spirit Let it pour out with all in it Overflowing Holy Spirit The joy of the Lord is my strength The joy of the Lord The joy of the Lord The joy of the Lord, the joy of the Lord is my strength The joy of the Lord, the joy of the Lord is my strength Oh my soul, oh my soul, bless His name All that is within me stays Oh my soul, bless His name All that is within me stays Oh my soul, bless His name All that is within me stays The joy of the Lord, the joy of the Lord is my strength The joy of the Lord is my strength

We give everything to You this morning, Jesus We lay down our crowns to You this morning Jesus has my heart, my will, my soul Jesus has my hope, my dreams, my world With joy I lay it down With joy I cast my crown Jesus has my heart To you I bring my praise, my lips, my song Living sacrifice as one Reborn, my life is now my own Your will is what I'm on Jesus have it all Jesus have it all, Jesus have it all To you belong the Lord, praise above Jesus have it all, Jesus have it all My blessing and all honor, my majesty and all Jesus have it all, Jesus have it all To you belong the Lord, praise above Jesus have it all, Jesus have it all My blessing and all honor, my majesty and all Jesus have it all Jesus have your church, your love, your pride Joyful ways to freely gain Your light radiant and bright Watch that you're alive Jesus has us all Come on say Jesus have your worth Jesus have your worth, your due, your sum The praise of every nation, tribe, and tongue Let all that has been made glorify your name Jesus have it all Jesus have it all, Jesus have it all To you belong the Lord, praise above Jesus have it all, Jesus have it all My blessing and all honor, my majesty and all Jesus have it all, Jesus have it all To you belong the Lord, praise above Jesus have it all, Jesus have it all My blessing and all honor, my majesty and all Jesus have it all Jesus have it all Jesus have it all You can have it all Jesus have it all Oh I give it all to you Lord, I give you everything Have it all In all my days, all my life Have it all

In all my days, all my life Have it all All my life, and all my days, all my life, and how did it go? And all my days, all my life, and how did it go? Oh, you can have it all, baby. Oh, I can't tell my friends here today. Oh, you can have it all. Oh, you can have it all. Oh, you can have it all. And all my days, all my life, and how did it go? Oh, you can have it all. And all my days, and all my life, and how did it go? Jesus, have it all. To give you all the glory. Praise the Lord. Jesus, have it all. Jesus, have it all. Blessing it all. Majesty it all. Jesus, have it all. Jesus, have it all. To give you all the glory. Praise the Lord. Jesus, have it all. Jesus, have it all. Blessing it all. Majesty it all. Jesus, have it all. All across the room, can we all just close our eyes and just look down right into your eyes? I just want us to take the next couple moments and let's just think about the words that we're singing and who we are singing to. Right now, just lift up your voice, start praying, start talking to the Lord. Sing your own song right here, right now. This is the time to sing to the Lord as one body, as one church. So I want to hear everybody's voice right now. Just pray. Just talk to the Lord. Sing your own song. Jesus, how we love to sing to you, Lord. How we love to sing about you, Jesus. Oh, may we never get tired of singing about you, Lord. How we love you, Lord. How we love you, Lord.

And up above the heaven singing, and down below it's echoing. The anthem of eternity. We let it rise, let it rise, let it rise. Jesus, we behold you now. We lift our hands, we lay our crowns. The highest praise we bring to you. Lord, we let it rise, let it rise, let it rise. We let it rise, let it rise, let it rise. Come on, every voice we sing. How worthy, how worthy is the Lord God almighty. So worthy, so worthy. We praise the Father, the Spirit, Son, and we let it rise, let it rise, let it rise. Let it rise. Come on, we sing it again. And every nation strive and stand. Oh, we'll bow before the throne of the wise. We praise the Father, the Spirit, Son, and we let it rise, let it rise, let it rise. Oh, let your praise rise, let it rise, let it rise. How holy, how holy is the Lord God Almighty. He's so worthy, He's so worthy to be praised. How holy, how holy is the Lord God Almighty. He's so worthy, He's so worthy to be praised. Come on, right here, let your praise rise to Jesus. Come on, I don't know what it has to take. You've got to lift your voice, you've got to raise your hands. Come on, we're singing to Jesus. We are singing to the Lamb, the Lamb who was slain for each one of us. Come on, I don't know what it's going to take. Lift up your hands, lift up your voice as we sing. Oh, He is the first, the last, the Alpha and Omega, the One who was.

Come on, let's sing it out. Sing it with your mind. He's the Lion of Judah, He's the Lamb who was slain, the Risen King, the Living One. Let's sing it to the same God. He's the first, the last, the Alpha and Omega, He's the One who was and is to come. He is the Lion of Judah, the Lamb who was slain, the Risen King, the Living One. Come on, sing it again. He's the first, the last, the Alpha and Omega, He's the One who was and is to come. He's the Lion of Judah, the Lamb who was slain, the Risen King, the Living One. How lowly, how lowly is the Lord God Almighty. How lowly, how lowly is the Lord God Almighty. How lowly, how lowly is the Lord God Almighty. How lowly, how lowly is the Lord God Almighty. How lowly, how lowly is the Lord God Almighty. How lowly, how lowly is the Lord God Almighty. How lowly, how lowly is the Lord God Almighty. Time and time again you've proved you're so worthy, so worthy to be praised. Oh, he is worthy to be praised. Oh, he is worthy to be praised. Come on, if you believe that, lift your voice. He is worthy to be praised. Oh, when I'm in my pain, Lord, you're worthy to be praised. When I don't know what's coming next, Lord, be praised. Oh, when I don't know what to do, Lord, be praised. Lord, you are worthy to be praised. Sing how holy one more time. How holy one more time. Is the Lord God Almighty so worthy, so worthy to be praised? Jesus, you are so worthy to be praised. Lord, may we never get tired of singing about you, Lord, and praising you, Jesus.

Let us never get used to this, God. Jesus, we're singing the truth, Lord, that you are holy, you are worthy, God. You are the Alpha and the Omega. Lord, you are the first, you are the last, Lord. You're the risen king, you are the living one, Lord. You're the one we love to sing about, Jesus. Lord, thank you for this time, Lord. God, we love you, we praise you, and us as one body, we all say amen. Amen. He is worthy. He's worthy to be praised. Amen. As you guys are finding your seats, I just wanted to come up and offer you a word of welcome. We're so excited that you're here. We're honored, actually, that you've chosen to spend part of your Sunday with us. If you're new here and you'd love to learn more about who we are or what we believe, I've got two great options for you. First, you can text the word new to 51010. We'd love to meet you, to greet you digitally or even in person before or after service. The second way that you can learn more about us is to text the word growth to 51010. And that will get you more information and get you signed up for our growth track class where you can learn more about our history, how we are led by our staff, by our elders, our mission and vision for the church. It's a lot of great info, and it's a great way to meet new people as well. So those are some two action steps for you. But if we've never had the chance to meet, my name is Matt Ferguson. I have the pleasure of being the next-gen pastor here, which is just a fun way of saying I get to hang out with all the cool kids, even though I'm old. So I get to oversee the leaders that run our kids' ministries, our student ministries, and our young adult ministries. And let me just tell you, we talk about how holy and how worthy God is. But let me tell you how his spirit is moving in this generation. Throughout the week, we have hundreds of kids, students, and young adults who are coming to worship God on Thursday nights. This room is full of 100-plus 20-year-olds on their face before the Lord seeking him. The same thing on Wednesday nights, 150 kids chasing after the Lord with all that they have.

It's an incredible thing to see. If you've dropped off kiddos lately, man, on average, we've got about 250 kids a weekend who are hearing that God loves them, God has a plan for them, and there's a spirit that lives within them that is empowering them to make change in their world. And the way we're seeing this happen is we're seeing tons of opportunities where our young adults are literally going out and evangelizing in public spaces. Our students are going back to their high schools and starting these movements. There's not another word for it. There's the Melissa movement. There's the All In in Allen. There's Anchored in Emerson. There's all sorts of things happening in Anna. It is the spirit of the Lord drawing this generation to him in ways like we've never seen before. And I've given my whole life to this cause because I truly believe it. that these kids are gonna be the one that raise up or grow up and raise us up out of this mess that we're in they are worth it and scripture reminds us in Psalm 127 that children are a heritage of the Lord and so I tell you all of that today selfishly because I want you to know what God is doing in this generation it's something to be celebrated secondly I want to ask you for a couple of things I want to ask you if you would consider praying for us if you would just add our next-gen ministries to your prayer list or possibly even being willing to step into a team to serve to connect with a student to connect with a kid we do all the heavy lifting and finally when you give I want you to know that when you give you're not just giving to a building or a campaign or an event you're giving fuel to what the Lord is doing in this generation and so we thank you for that the ways to give her on the screen but as we get ready to receive the offering as we get ready to move into today's message I just wanted to pray a prayer over us today as we get ready to receive can we pray together God we thank you we thank you for who you are and what you're doing in and through not just us but the generations to come so God continue to grow our hearts continue to call us to the men and women you've called and created us to be take what's given today so that we multiply its impact for here into eternity we pray this because of Jesus

amen amen it's gonna be a great message so you want to take lots of notes so let's turn our attention to the screen just for a second we are super excited that we get to do this together today we are on week 4 of the steamy series called kiss and tell and I want to take a second now and just welcome those of you who are watching online to all of the men and women who are in our Department of Corrections all across America can you guys give it up for them help them feel welcome yeah so glad you guys are joining us so if I've never met you before I am Tatum's husband and we're really glad that you guys are here today and for those of you that were here last week that you came back we had it was a fun message last week and so today we are going to be talking about conflict in marriage conflict in relationships the reality is that all marriages fight every one of them now I've got some good news for you the good news is is that there are good couples that fight fair and they seek to have resolution between the two of them bad news is is that there's a whole lot of other couples that they don't fight fair they fight dirty and their whole goal is to win Tatum and I I'll be honest Tatum and I we occasionally we fight we don't call them fights we call them intense moments of fellowship last fight that we had Tatum came crawling back to me on her hands and knees she looked underneath that bed she said Chris you get out from underneath there and you come fight like a man and could you just see her doing that no but listen every relationship goes through through conflict married or not so I mean that could include with parents with kids with family members with a spouse so it's a part of every single one of us and so the the thing that we need to understand is how do you actually how do you fight how do you fight fair and so what we're gonna do today is we are going to look at what scripture says to give us some foundation of how do you emotionally navigate through those conflicts in fact I want to begin today by giving you a verse that gentlemen you are more than welcome to amen me as I read this it says in Proverbs don't do it a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on her Rainy day and all the men said

You're dead meat Now ladies ladies, I'm not leaving you out I'm gonna give you an opportunity to in fact the Bible says in 2nd Chris Chapter 2 and chapter 4 verse 2 it is better to have raging hemorrhoids Than to live with a husband who behaves like a jerk and all my ladies in the house. Come on say Yeah Now if you're new to the Christian faith, that is not an actual Bible verse. I Made that one up So let's let's kind of recap where we've been in these previous weeks week. Number one. We talked about This couple that they fell in love with each other. They built the relationship on godly Standards a godly foundation week two. We talked about the fact they started courting each other last week we went into their honeymoon chamber and We got to see them basically having great sex Today though, they're married and they have their first fight. There is trouble in paradise Like come on everybody. Let's get ready to rumble. I mean, that's what's gonna happen So I want you to see here She's in her bed and look at what she says verse number two She said I slept but my heart was awake. So in other words, she's just tossing and turning she's restless Listen, my lover he's knocking So the guy comes and he's making his move and he is like he is making these sexual advances on her Like he is buttering her up I mean he's given her all of his favorite little pet names for her and here's what he says open to me my sister my Darling my dove my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew my hair with the dampness of night so she has been waiting up all night long and He didn't come home Now we don't know where he's at, I mean he could have been out late playing pickleball with the boys He he might have been you know working late the Bible doesn't give us the details as to where he's at All we know is that he's not there. She's kind of upset. He comes home thinking that he has roamed me. Oh

Thinking he's gonna seduce Juliet and she ain't having it. She's like not tonight. I'm tired And honestly in in my home This happens all the stinking time. I Mean it just wears me it wears me out Tatum comes home every day. Just wanting me And I just tell her I'm like, honey, I am NOT a piece of meat I Have feelings I You know, there's emotions in here believe it or not, you know and so Right, huh, not true, but I'll wait for my turn to go so I Want us to rehearse a little bit of some of the names that the Shulamite woman that she refers to her husband She calls him her stag She says you are like a gazelle that just leaps and bounds over the mountains last week we heard her say that you You are welcome to come into my garden and blow on my garden But now they're in a fight and I want you to see how her words change check this out verse number three Here's what she said. I've taken off my robe Must I put it on again? I have washed my feet must I soil them again? So like here he is he's knocking on the door. He's trying to make his move and she's not having it She's like no, you're just not gonna and all of a sudden this massive fight ensues between the two of them Which kind of leads us up to where we're going today and that is that every couple is going to fight and So because every couple is going to fight the goal of today isn't to try to Teach us how to not have fights because you're gonna have them They're coming and get ready for it The goal of today is to teach you how to fight right in the middle of it so that you walk out unified better stronger

Together that's the goal of this So what we're gonna do is I'm gonna give you three Principles that come out of this story be out of this couple here that we're gonna to see kind of play out in their relationship. Yeah, and I'm gonna talk about the first one. The first one is that most fights aren't about the issue, they're about unmet expectations. And the reason we have unmet expectations is often we don't clearly communicate, right? So for Chris and I, one of our first big challenges came when we became parents. So we had our daughter one year after we were married, we actually brought her home on our one year anniversary. And so we were still newlyweds, we were very young and we had not gotten great yet at communicating our expectations. And I sort of had this idea about the type of dad that Chris was gonna be and it was probably a little fairy tale-ish. I imagined that it was gonna be very natural for him as he became a father that he would probably wake up with her in the night and he was gonna be so hands-on, he was gonna rock her every night and just be so involved and- Cook you breakfast every morning. I mean, yeah, that'd be a dream, right? All of these expectations that we never talked about, I just had them. And let's just say it didn't really play out like that.

That was not how it went. Now, he was not a bad dad, that's not what I'm saying, but he definitely leaned more into the fact that I was comfortable with babies. I had always like grown up with babies, had experience, I was confident in being a new mom and he wasn't. And he really just thought like, you're doing such a great job, she's got this. And I was completely exhausted. I was not communicating these expectations and that became a really devastating for me to have these high, high hopes. And I expected a lot more out of him and he wasn't doing it. Unmet expectations, these are some of the biggest causes for conflict. And I think that there might be some of you in the room today who have these unmet expectations and you especially are thinking about your marriage. Like I thought that our marriage was gonna be different than it is. I thought that when we got married, you were gonna keep pursuing me or you would plan these romantic dates like you did when we were dating, but you don't. Maybe you're thinking, I thought you were gonna be more tender or I thought you would be a better leader. I thought you would be more submissive. Whatever your expectation was deep down, I think some of you might be feeling about your marriage.

This is not what I was expecting it to be. Yeah, this is one of the biggest points of contention when there is unmet expectation. So one of the things when I used to do premarital counseling here in the church, I would sit down with a newlywed couple and I would try to help them to anticipate and voice their expectations so that we can all be on the same page. So I remember I had this one couple, I was so proud of them. They were both virgins. And I asked them this question. I said, how many times a week do you two anticipate making love after you get married? And so I looked at her and I said, hey, why don't you answer this first? And when I asked her, man, her mind just started, I mean, it was like a calculator. She was just intense. She was just thinking through all this. I'm thinking, okay, this is gonna be good. And then so she said, wait, wait, you said every week? I said, yeah, every week. She said 20 times. So in my mind, I'm thinking that's never, no, then no. No, but her fiance stood up and like, yeah. So I jumped up in my enthusiasm. I'm high-fiving the dude. And then I got my pastoral composure back

and I sat back down and I walked through all kinds of other issues that I thought that they might be having in their marriage. And so I bumped into him about three months after they got married. So I said, hey, dude, 20? Said, nah, not even close. Listen, unmet expectations, it'll take you out. That's why you gotta be very vocal, but very clear upfront about what they are. Here's the second cause. When me gets bigger than we. selfishness explodes into conflict. And so here's this woman that in the first couple chapters, we see her just so giving herself to her husband, to her fiance, when they were dating and courting, but now it becomes all about her. And in verse three, she says this again, I want you to see this, I have taken off my robe, must I put it on again? I've washed my feet, must I soil them again? Yeah, we can see this verse is actually about pride, right? She's saying like, I'm already in bed, I'm comfortable, I washed my feet, do I really have to get up again? And what she doesn't recognize is actually that her comfort is costing her connection, right? Because connection always costs something. Your connection might cost your sleep, it might cost your ego, connection might cost you being right, it costs something.

But if I always protect my comfort instead of our connection that's gonna create a distance between us. It's gonna interfere with our intimacy if I'm just choosing what's comfortable for me, but you'll see in a minute by the time she finally gets up and she goes to open the door, he's gone. Not because he stopped loving her, but because the moment passed and she missed that moment. And in marriage, there are always these moments, there are these small invitations throughout the day, they might look like a conversation, it might look like a touch, it might be a, hey, like, can we talk? And when we hesitate or when we delay in responding, that's where there can become a gap and the intimacy kind of cools off. And this, I'm not just talking about physical intimacy, this happens emotionally all the time, right? When you come home from work, maybe your spouse is wanting to connect with you, they reach for you, they make, like the start of a conversation, they need to decompress or maybe they wanna just have your reassurance about something. And inwardly, you can be feeling super tired and just like resistant. And those are the washed feet moments. They seem really small, but they matter. And when me gets bigger than we, that's when selfishness can turn into conflict.

Yeah, I think selfishness is one of the biggest creators of contention, conflict in a marriage. And so we've gotta be selfless as we serve the other person. And men, the Bible says that we are to love our wives as Christ loves the church. And when I think about Christ, I mean, he serves, I mean, he gave to his hurt. I mean, he allowed himself to be sacrificed on a tree for us. And so we ought to go out of our way, men, to be able to serve, protect our wives. Here's the third thing, and that's this, pride would rather win the argument than win the person. So here's a little statement that Tatum and I, we've made to ourselves. Oh, I don't know how many, probably hundreds of times, we've said this throughout the years. Would you rather be one or the one that won? And if you're the one that won, you both lost. But when we seek to be one. So pride comes along and thinks, I am always right, and they are always wrong. That's pride. And God resists the proud and he gives grace to the humble. When you have a hard time apologizing, when you have a hard time saying, I'm sorry, it's pride, pride. In fact, one of the ways that you know that you're in pride is if you're listening to this message today and you start thinking, boy, my spouse better be listening

to this thing and taking notes. Because this is, I mean, you're thinking, man, I'm gonna send this to them after the service is done. They need to pay attention to this. It's pride. In fact, we're gonna see Solomon, this king, he was wise, but he had this pride and we're gonna see it kind of flare up in him. Now, in all transparency, this verse that we're about to read is actually a very difficult verse to understand. In fact, the whole book of Song of Solomon is tough. You would be shocked. how many scholars and theologians debate over what is written in this book so the debate really is two sides and you're going to be able to read into this as you see this some people debate that hey uh she she's locked the door she's not letting him in and solomon's on the outside saying hey would you would you please like it's jerry springer in front of everybody you know what i'm saying uh other people say other theologians say that he is um making this bold sexual advance at this his wife is the shulamite woman honestly it doesn't really matter because when she finally does open the door he's gone he left his pride got bruised and so why don't you read this this let's look what she says she says my lover thrust his hand through the latch opening my heart began to pound for him i arose to open for my lover and my hands dripped with my fingers with flowing myrrh on the handles of the lock now watch her she's gonna do the right thing i opened the door for my lover but here you're gonna see pride come in my lover had left he was gone and then she says these these really painful words she says my heart sank at his departure i looked for him but did not find him i called him but he did not answer there are some of you in the room today that your heart has sank maybe you have experienced the pain of divorce and although that's not something that i personally have walked through so many of my close friends and my family have and my heart truly breaks for you there are others of you who are listening to this today and the the check engine light of your marriage is flashing

and you know it is maybe your lover hasn't physically left but emotionally there's this wall in between you two you've lost intimacy or there's brokenness or maybe you're hearing this and you are just resisting any idea any chance that there's hope for your marriage because it's just really that bad and you're listening to chris and i talk and you think yeah easy for you guys to say because you don't you don't know how really bad it is and you just have no hope that anything could ever change and i want you to hear me today if any of those categories are you i know that your pain is real i am not arguing or diminishing that the anger that you have or the betrayal that you feel the frustration or the doubt that you have about your relationship i came to remind you today that we serve a god of miracles we serve a god who does miracles he can soften hardened hearts he can restore things that are completely broken that's what god does he can bring health and healing into your family into your marriage you you may need to take some steps and i want to encourage you do what you've got to do to get the help that you need find a counselor that's godly but whatever you do don't stop praying don't give up on your marriage yeah if i could just speak in when she's saying that don't give up what happens is is it's easy to hope the first time it's hard to hope a second time and some of you feel that right now and there's there's division and you feel like man i don't even even think this could ever be something uh beautiful again or maybe your heart has been so crushed and you think i don't ever think that i could love again and i would say like put that in the hands of god so anybody can call it as they see it anybody can look at a bad situation and just call it out a bad situation oh that's bad that's never going to get good my heart's always going to be destroyed my my uh this marriage is never going to work out like she's never going to be this and he's never going to act like that and anybody can just look at something and just define what they see but it takes a man or a woman of god to look at that same situation and speak it out in faith not denying what's happening but looking at it and saying you know what it doesn't look good it looks tough but we're going to take this and we're going to put this in the hands of a faithful god and i know that the lord himself he is going to reach on in we're going to put the right people around us the right relational connections and god is going to heal our marriage and so i would just challenge you today hope again don't give up because there's great life on the other side of it all and so as tatum and i were kind of writing this this out you know i kind of was looking at this and i i was thinking you know

this message seems a little bit surfacey to me like i i prayed i said lord is there a way that we can we can go a little deeper on things and the lord really showed me these three things that i want to give you today that will if you apply these to your life to your marriage that relationship i promise you they are going to transform they're going to transform things and so the way that i would introduce this to you is is like this that after you say i do these are three more i do promises that i'm going to challenge you to make and here's the first one i promise to act not react in fact scripture teaches us in romans 12 verse 21 do not over do not be overcome by what look at that word don't be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good let's be honest we all have flesh when somebody speaks bad about me when somebody tries to hurt me i'm just like you i'm gonna fire back that's what i want to do i'm thinking you i'm not going to be your doormat like eye for an eye tooth for a tooth you just you bow up what is that that's your flesh um when when if you look at christ christ is our example do you ever see him ever doing that i don't uh instead we need to follow what god's word says we need to rise up in the spirit of god and be doers of the word of god and that's not always easy so like for tatum and i uh typically when when we fight so i'll say two things interesting enough a lot of our fights actually happen on our sabbath that's the day of the week that you just don't work you work not to work that's where most of our biggest areas of contention why are you smiling at me honey because we have time off and we're like together a lot yeah so it happens when we're not distracted with work it just happens yeah it's on those days because that's when you're finally just detoxing from all the pressures and everything and then you start talking about things and then that's when and then uh the other thing is that we're typically too busy throughout the day to fight so a lot of our fights usually happen at night okay now this hasn't happened in a long time a long long long time but when we were younger uh tate would say something to me and it would upset me so we would go to bed fighting back to back you know what that is where you're on one side of the bed and she's on the complete other side of the bed and what's crazy is is that there's all these rules about fighting back to back that nobody ever teaches you but everybody knows them so like uh one of the rules is that the first person to touch the other one you lose so when we were laying in bed if my foot ever happened to drift just over just enough to touch her man i would rank that thing over as fast as i could i'm looking at her i'm like you ain't getting no toe from me tonight baby none of that so you just lay there thinking if i speak first

i lose but this is the old chris i'll say but if she speaks first i win and i am much more driven and competitive i can wait this thing out and so you lay there in absolute silence only thing that you ever do is you got you got to get one of those big deep heavy sighs just so that the other person knows that you're you're you haven't fallen asleep and you know what that is it's called immature it really it's childish and unfortunately i did this to tatum too often in our early years i say that uh the silent treatment is actually torture it really is it's torture um the thing i think that changed for us is that there was a day that i finally realized you know what god has called me to be the priest and the pastor of my home and and i'll say this guys you know your wife doesn't want dominance she does want leadership she wants you to lead the family lead strong like you make decisions together but you lead and so when we would have these moments i in my immaturity i would you know go through these little manipulative games or what have you and and i finally realized you know what i need to ask you let's go sit down together and let's we're gonna we need to talk and one of the things that i would i started saying to her that you're more than welcome to borrow uh make it your own and some of you are already doing this i would look at her and i would say hey baby i probably didn't say baby at that point i just said hey hey honey um we're gonna eventually have to be friends so why don't we just start now and when and you did not smile at that all the time there but it does sort of diffuse the situation if you approach it like that eventually we're gonna have to so why drag this out why be angry at each other why do this stupid manipulation all this other these little tactics and things let's talk this out and be on the same page because like like for us like we've just made a decision that divorce is not an option so what happens is is sometimes couples when they are debating each other they're in these conflict moments uh they'll use that term divorce to elicit some kind of emotional response from their partner so from your spouse and um and it works the first time but it seeds this thought into your heart and before you know it it starts germinating and now you say it three four five six seven times and now it becomes well if that's going to be the case then man let's just go down that direction and i'm not saying that we're perfect we've we we have our issues but one of the things that we have been very adamant about is that we have just we've have we we've never used that that word with each other in

all of those years of fighting that sounds bad but in in any of the the moments of fighting that we've that we've never said that no it's just not a that's not a fair fight don't go there don't use that exactly all right let's go to the second okay let me talk about the second promise after you say i do that you want to make this commitment i promise to celebrate the good instead of criticizing the bad philippians 4 8 says this whatever is pure whatever is lovely if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about these things and yet so many times instead of celebrating the good the thing that we love about our spouse or the the reasons we fell in love with them instead we criticize the bad you know before i came on staff to work here at life fellowship i used to work in a doctor's office with a lot of a lot of great ladies but many of them would come to work and would not say great things about their husbands it just became this uh constant uh conversation of just hearing complaints what they what they never do or what they always do and i would just say to to you ladies if that's been a way that you've expressed your frustration it doesn't it's not going to help that doesn't help your marriage in fact it actually is destructive to your marriage because the word teaches us that that we have life and death in the power of our tongues and the things that we say about one another they matter they matter you know one of the greatest godly examples of this was billy graham's wife ruth she was once asked by a reporter what's it like to be married to a man who is gone seven months out of the year don't you resent that and her answer was awesome because ruth said being married to billy for having him for five months out of the year is better than 12 months with any other man and i love that response because she could have easily criticized what she didn't like i'm sure it was not easy for her to not have her husband for most of the year but instead she chose to celebrate the good and the thing that she loved and because of that their marriage it became an example for the whole country. So here's the truth. When you're dating, opposites attract. When you're married, a lot of times opposites attack, right? So the very thing that attracted the two of you together when you were dating is the very thing that begins to make you be repelled from each other. In fact, if you've gotten to know me a little bit, I am driven. I'm passionate. I'm focused. I am punctual, punctual. Tatum, on the other hand, she is just free. Just this free spirit, just relax, relax. Now, I'm really glad for it because when we were dating, she really helped me to unwind. Because had you not been in my life, I think I would have been

like this little stress ball and just blowing up one day. But I started thinking about this. After we've been married, I don't think I've ever been anywhere now on time. And I can either criticize the fact that we are typically late now, and I have, or I can celebrate the fact that being with this woman right here and late and enjoying life and having meaning in life is better than being with any other woman on the planet and being punctual. Amen. Right? So I want you to think about this. When you see the good, speak the good. What would happen in our marriages, our relationships? Instead of us criticizing the things that we don't like, you actually start complimenting the things that you do like, the things that are good. Look for the good and you'll find the good. Begin to seek those things out and watch how God begins to create great fresh love in your relationships. And let me, can I just say one more thing? When you are in those moments, it's very important to realize that when you are talking back and forth to each other, like how you frame things, it sets the table for that conversation. So I'll say it like this. Anything that I say to Tatum, I need to say it to her with the bedrock of security. Because the number one need of a woman is security. And the number one need of a man is respect. So if I speak to her, I could be saying 100% right things. It's all correct. It's all right. But if I'm communicating to her in a way where it's, she doesn't feel cared for, valued, like I'm here for you, like I ain't going anywhere, I'm providing security. All she hears is just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And if she speaks to me in such a way, and she could be 100% right, but if she is undermining me, if she is disrespecting me, even in her tone. So I'll say it like this. A picture paints a thousand words, but your tone is the frame that that picture sits in. That's good. And so how we speak to each other is massively important because it opens up our hearts to be able to communicate in a way that we actually see some things resolved. That's so good. Yes. Okay. Point number three is that I promise to talk it out and not walk out. Listen guys, couples, we have got to get together and communicate. Got to turn the phone off, turn the Netflix off. You've got to talk. You've got to communicate. You've got to open up. You've got to be vulnerable. You've got to be honest. Ephesians 4, 26 and 27 says this, do not let the sun go down while you're still angry. You have to keep talking and do not give the devil a foothold. Some of you are here today and you have not talked about the issue for weeks, maybe for months.

Listen, when you, when you have a fight and you go to bed and you just don't talk about it, that's giving the devil a foothold. And when you go weeks and you let days and days and days pass by and you had an argument, but you never, you never talk. You never work to find resolution. You might as well invite the enemy to just move in. You cannot let resentment. We cannot let unforgiveness. not let bitterness into our marriage. We have to talk about it and not walk out. And I would just come back and I would remind you that the two of you fell in love. Like there was this moment that the two of you, like your hearts were entwined with each other and you felt God's blessing and his touch and this romance and all of the tingly-winglies and all of that. Fight for one another. You know, guys, be stupid for her again. Just stupid. I mean, open the car door, compliment her, go out of your way just to make her feel like the most special girl in the world. Like fight for your marriage. Fight for that relationship. And that's what this couple did. And they resolved their issue. And it says this in verse number 11. It says that Solomon here, he says, I went down to the grove of the nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley. So they reconciled. And I want you to notice,

he wasn't going down to look for what's wrong. He was going to look for what's right. He wasn't looking for the dead things. He was looking for the new growth. And I just wanna say that again, it's so easy to find the negative. It's so easy to be critical. Don't focus in on that. Find what's pure, what's right, what's lovely, what's good and focus. Speak about those things. He says, before I realized it, my desire set me among the royal chariots of my people. And now he's all full of this passion again. He says, come back, come back, O Shulamite. Come back, come back. Hey, let's just get real for a second. All couples are gonna fight. All couples are gonna go through winter seasons. It's in the winter season that your roots actually grow down deeper. Great relationships, great marriages. They're not formed because they're perfect. They're formed because they persevere. You persevere. You're gonna have to persevere through some winters. You're gonna have to persevere through some heartaches and through some disappointments. People say, well, hey, isn't what they did grounds for divorce or what have you?

Yeah, it probably also grounds for forgiveness. And I would just challenge you to fight for each other. Interesting enough and then we're gonna pray. Interesting enough and then we're gonna pray. The devil never attacked Adam when he was by himself. He waited until Eve was created. And when the two of them were in the garden together, that's when the enemy showed up. You need to know that the attack on your marriage is bigger than you ever even realized. So many of us, we think too small minded. We just think it's just between the two of us and it's not just the two of us. Like if the enemy can divide us, man, he can get our finances. He can get our joy. A lot of times he gets into the middle of our kids. It can begin to disrupt generational trees. And so I would just challenge you today, fight for your marriage. And for those of you that you've been through the difficulty of divorce, again, like Tatum was saying, my heart is your pastor. He goes out to you. And I believe that God can take what the enemy has used to try to destroy you. He can turn it around for the good and he can give you a bright future. In Jesus' name.

So do me a favor, I want you to grab your spouse's hand. And if you're dating, I want you to grab hands. If you're engaged, do the same. Let me just pray for you. Father, in the name of Jesus, I thank you for every couple that's here. I ask you, Lord, that you would strengthen the bonds that hold us together. Holy Spirit, I pray that your grace, your forgiveness, the humility of the Savior would be present in our marriages. I ask, Lord, that the enemy himself would not be able to penetrate. And bring such pain and division, which is his job, which is his goal. Instead, Lord, I pray that every marriage, every relationship would be surrounded by the angels of the Lord. Jesus' mighty name. I pray, God, that you turn us from what is worthless, from seeing what is so temporal. I Pray God that our eyes would be fixed on what is eternal If you're here today and away from the Lord, let me just pray for you for you It's time for you to go all in with him. And so come on. Why don't you pray this prayer with me just Just ask him the best of you know, how just say Jesus. I give you myself. I give you my life. I Give you my sin My regrets My disappointments I'm all yours

Change my life in Jesus strong name. I pray And everybody come on in the house says a man and a man a man a man god bless you guys A Man, thank you. Chris. Thank you. Tatum I'm so incredibly grateful for two leaders two pastors who are willing to get up and lead us through God's Word as you are Here today. I want to encourage you Wherever you find yourself in your spiritual journey, whether you're just coming back Or maybe you're you're responding for the first time in that prayer that could just Chris just let us in I want to encourage you to text the word Jesus to 510 10. You are not designed to do life alone So let us partner with you. Let us walk alongside you You will want help in this journey and we are honored to walk alongside you as you guys are standing to your feet I want to remind you that March 1st is our next pursuit night So pursuit night is when we gather in here on a Sunday evening and we just let the Lord lead us the spirit leads us Through worship through prayer. It's an incredible time just to come and soak and reflect and it's an amazing event that you'll want to be at So be here next Sunday. Our prayer team is coming down front if you need prayer today But as we go, let me pray a prayer over a prayer of blessing over here as we dismiss today God, thank you for these men and women God as you grow us into the men and women You've called and created to be may you continue to bless them keep them the Lord shine Shine his face upon you and be gracious to you and may the Lord turn his face towards you and give you peace. Amen You guys be blessed and we'll see you next week