Family and Finances: Episode 10, Part 3

- So Chuck, suppose that I wanna come clean. Okay, I'm scared. I've had this hidden debt for a while, but the Lord's convicted me and I wanna come clean. What should I do? - Well, I've actually seen an example of that that was so remarkable that it made national news and Russ and Candy Hildebrandt became friends of mine through that experience, but one day she asked her husband, "What's wrong with you?" And she had never seen him so depressed and down and she knew something was wrong with him and he didn't wanna talk about it, but she said, "Look, I know something is wrong and it's time you can tell me whatever it is." And she set the stage of love and acceptance, which is so important in any relationship to hear what he had to say. And he said, "Well, Candy, I have $60,000 in debt that you don't know about." And that was equivalent to 100% of their income. And she nearly passed out. But she remembers her next words, okay? "Let's work together, resolve that." And he could not believe it. He thought if he ever told her that the marriage would be over because he had deceived her for so long and had tried so hard. And what was interesting is his motivation

was to help the family. He was trying to make money through some investments that had gone south. And he just didn't wanna tell her how much he had lost. So he kept doubling down, doubling down, doubling down. And she said there was a Holy Spirit moment when everything in her felt betrayed, everything. But God gave her the presence of mind to not one time criticize or condemn him for it or scream or yell or walk out the door. And that moment turned the whole situation around. He was now transparent and free from the hidden life he had and they were now working together. Their worst nightmare became their greatest victory. And I think sometimes we forget that's an opportunity that God gives us. You know, when we were talking earlier about respect, she showed him respect. But he also responded back to her in gratitude for her love. And he loved her in return and said thank you. And let's start working together. The interesting story at the rest of that story is they paid off all of that debt without getting any debt forgiveness, without forgoing any interest payments. They never stopped tithing during that time. And they had a surprise baby along the way and got it all paid back, an amazing story. - Well, just thinking about Russ, I mean, guilt is magnified by our accuser too.

And when we feel guilty, we will do all kinds of things that are not right to try to cover that. And Satan will do what he can to make us feel even worse. - Well, you know, infections grow in the dark and they're cleansed in the sunshine. And when we get things out in the light, that's when the healing begins. But it's so frightening. It takes a great deal of humility. I think setting the stage for vulnerability is setting the stage for acceptance. And if you give a signal to your spouse, I will accept whatever I hear from you. Then we can be vulnerable with each other. But if we know we're gonna get attacked or condemned, we're gonna hold that inside. And we're gonna wait for an opportunity for the healing to begin. - So can you address community property? We've got several states that have those community property laws. - Well, I think when we marry, everything should be considered community property, meaning what's mine is yours and yours is mine. I think that's what the Bible means when two become one. And I've seen people try to do it differently and I've seen them do prenuptial agreements. I've seen them try to keep everything totally separate. And in reality, if you never go all in and say what's mine is yours and yours is mine, then you haven't built the trust

that the marriage needs to survive long-term. And so it doesn't help you to try to keep the property separate. I've known couples who've done that. I've seen them go at it for a long, long time. But ultimately, you need to trust each other. The Bible says in Colossians 2-8, do not be careful not to be deceived by a philosophy that depends upon the traditions of the world. And I've seen couples say, well, we'll just live together. We'll be better off financially. And that's actually proven statistically wrong. You're better off financially to be married and to live together. And couples who do unify make far greater progress financially than couples who never unify their finances. One thing that I have seen is very important is that husbands and wives know the passwords, know all the banking information, because I've had several people who have lost spouses suddenly. And the ones left behind didn't know where anything was. Some of these women didn't have a clue how much money they even had. Well, people listening could make the argument, well, we've never melded our accounts together and it works fine for them. That's true. The mechanics can work OK if you have totally separate accounts. Usually, you have to be pretty good with your budgeting and your tracking. But in every case, I think you should exchange passwords

and have complete transparency so that not only in the event of death, but in the event that somebody just needs access. There are times when I'll go into our accounts and look at them just to see where we are and you do the same thing. Well, and in today's COVID world, people get sick. Somebody's got to pay the bills or make sure that there's money in the account to cover the bills. Right, and so it's important. Yeah, we keep our passwords known in known locations where both of us can find them. So Chuck, you mentioned that we have become more like-minded, the longer we've been married. And I think that's because the more we're in the word, the more that we have been taught by the Lord, the closer we've grown together, the closer we get to Christ, the closer we come together. Well, I think that's true, Anne. I look at marriage like-- I think the illustration is my favorite-- is looking at marriage like tea being seeped into water. And when that tea bag goes, it's totally different than the water. But when it's seeped in the water, then the water becomes what the content of the tea bag is. And it's inseparable. And I look at our lives as two very different flavors of tea, and we were trying to bring it together. And then God brought us into unity through His word.

And now those flavors are blended into a unique flavor. Two have become one. We're now God's unique creation as man and wife. And we are-- we're similar in so many ways. We like the same things. We enjoy each other more. And it's sort of miraculous when we look back on how God did that. But I agree with you, apart from the word that would not have happened. We still would have been sort of externally trying to become alike on the surface. But it's been more internal now. And I would say to the couple who's struggling, and they're not there, and they want to be there, really spend time discussing your philosophies. Really look for ways that you can agree on finances outside your own opinion. What does God say about them? Can we agree on a standard other than our own that is our guideline in all things? That way, when there's a dispute, we can go back to the guidelines. And then I think third, go ahead and trust each other fully. And there's a trust in God when you say that. That in my marriage, I'm going to be completely vulnerable. Emotionally, I'm going to be vulnerable financially. I'm going to trust God to work this all out. And that trust is what builds the glue. And I think Anne, it's what adds so much joy. I trust you today with everything.

And that's comforting to me. It ends any idea that I'm in the world alone. I'm not alone anymore. I have you, and we have each other. And that brings such great joy. That's why to me it's It's getting down to the very core of an intimate marriage where everything is fully transparent and there's absolute trust. - And I would add Chuck that we pray together in the morning and in the evening. So couples need to invite the Lord into their marriage and to seek his wisdom and his counsel. As well as a wise mentor, if they really need help, don't be afraid to ask someone else to help them. - Well, thank you, Anne. It's been a great journey. We started out telling about all of our failures as honestly as we could. And I hope today people sense that there's a deep joy and satisfaction of being united as one. - Mm-hmm, it's been wonderful. - Thank you, Anne. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) [MUSIC PLAYING]