Comedy Night with Ed Wiley || Victory Church

Your first comedian for the night is great. All right, he is somebody, you've probably seen him on the Grand Ole Opry, Circle Network. Maybe some of you have seen him on the Grand Ole Opry, maybe not a lot of the audience, but he also has a lot of very viral Facebook videos. You might have even heard him on Sirius XM Radio. He performs at churches, at clubs, at venues across the country from South Georgia. Guys, do me a favor, give a big round of applause for Mr. Ed Wiley. How we doing everybody? All right, thank you guys so much for coming out, I'm delighted to be here, to be a part of laughs for life, without parole. Little bit more on that, we're ready to start, we ready? Okay, so little bit about me, I'm married with six kids. I live on a farm, and I'm not a Civil War re-enactor, anymore, dodge that bullet. Y'all, it's a real thing, we have 13 cats on the farm. Yeah, right, yeah, they all just wandered up, and what we do when a cat wanders up, we catch it, we take it to the vet, and we get it fixed. And my wife's friends are like, that is so sweet, that you are rescuing those babies. You are saving those sweet babies. But that's not it at all, we're trying to send a message. Do not come here, we will change your life forever.

It's not working. Just, this is true, just a couple weeks ago, we had one wander up with a bad eye, like an injured eye. So we caught him, we took him to the vet, and the vet's like, this is really common with strays. So what we're gonna do, is we're gonna put him under, we're gonna fix his eye, and while we're doing that, we'll fix him. He'll be fine, and he was, but can you imagine thinking you were going in for eye surgery? And waking up to all of that? Like, you know he's gotta be warning all the newcomers. Dude, listen, you don't wanna know. No, I'm not winking at you, just tell him you can see. And y'all, this is not political at all, I don't do political comedy, I don't get into that stuff, but in my dumb comedy brain, the lead cat, like back at cat headquarters, wherever that is, he talks in the Trump voice. Well you're never gonna believe what they did to Jack, you're never gonna believe it. You're never gonna believe it. He was just walking up the driveway, so innocently, with his little paws, tiny paws, adorable paws, the most adorable paws, and they got him, and they did things to him that were so terrible, but it never would have happened if I was president. If I were president, he would still be in tack Jack. He'd be put together, he'd be put together. Jack was a killer, he'd come to me and say, sir,

and I'd say, Jack, go get you a mouse. And he'd get two, he's a tough guy, tough guy. But this family that did this to him, they're such hypocrites, because they have all of these children, you've never seen so many children in your life, but they don't want you to have your kittens, can you believe that? Well we're gonna make sure that you can have your kittens, and they're gonna grow up into big, beautiful cats, so strongly, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Thank you. Are we good? You never know. When I'm in more of a red state, people tighten up, they're like, is he messing with my Trump? And then when I'm in more of a blue state, people tighten up, because they hear his voice. So, everybody's mad. They renamed that body of water. Oh, come on, y'all, that's just funny. Well, they told us, you can't rename, you can't rename, but we may not have to, because what we're going to do is dredge. In it, we're going to drain the Gulf of Mexico. And what they're not telling you, sir, is that when you drain it, it's just more America. Just gets bigger, can you believe it? Our seniors in Florida will be able to drive their golf carts all the way to the Yucatan.

Except they won't be seniors anymore, they'll be senors. Oh man, we good? Y'all sure we're good? Never know where to go after that. You have six kids, five still at home, three are teenagers, and they eat constantly. It's just wall-to-wall eating. 24, 7, 365, like, this is true, I walked into our kitchen at 2 a.m., all the lights are on, music is playing, my sons were fighting, and they were cooking eggs. I basically live at Waffle House. I looked outside, my wife is smoking. I'm like, when did you start smoking? She's like, I'm on break. These customers are killing me. No, my wife's very sweet, she does not sound like that. She sounds more like Ed. The dryer's broken again. I'm like, I'm on break. What are we trying to run, a laundromat in this Waffle House? We're a big family, a bunch of kids. I've heard all the big, rude, big family comments. I've heard all of them. Are you Mormon? Are you Catholic? Do you homeschool? Do you know what causes that?

But the one I hate the most is, are y'all done yet? I really hate that one, you know? I've just started telling people, we're going to keep having kids until we have one we like. Still can't stand any of them. I don't know, y'all. Parenting is hard. It's hard. When the kids were all little, one time we were in Chick-fil-A, and the baby was having a meltdown. The rest of them were fighting over a toy. Somebody touched somebody else's nuggets. And this lady walks by, and she goes, don't worry. Older lady, don't worry. It gets easier. And now, with hindsight, I can clearly see, she was lying. It does not get easier. It gets different. It gets different. Our kids don't fight over a fast food toy anymore, but they do run over a McDonald's bag that apparently was a giant rock. That happened. I'd rather change a diaper than change an undercarriage. It's just cheaper. That's what I'm saying. You know? When kids are little, you know, they're, I don't know, they tire you out. You're tired.

If you're a young parent, you're tired all the time. Mama's really tired. But then they get older, and you're like, remember when we were tired but had hope? That was fun. Another time, we were out as a family, all eight of us. And it's a lot to put on people. You see that, and you want to say something. Most people control themselves. But all eight of us were walking into a grocery store. And there's a lady in the grocery store, and she starts counting us out loud. She's like, one, two, three. I'm like, first of all, rude. Don't do that. We're not math. Like, you wouldn't do that to somebody who's single. You'd just be like, one. It's sad. She was really happy with herself. You know, she finishes counting. And no judgment to this lady, but she had, like, a lot of tattoos. So I leaned down to one of the kids, and I'm like, hey, why don't you go over there and just count all of her permanent decisions? She didn't do it. I guess, what you get for raising them right. To be fair, though, we do homeschool. That's a stereotype, Fitz.

When we first started homeschooling, it was a long time ago. We got a lot of questions from friends and family, you know? Like, they're just inquisitive, you know? I think that, like one time, a buddy of mine and his wife were coming over for dinner. They didn't have kids yet. And my buddy starts asking our kids questions just to see what kind of job we were doing. He's like, hey kid, three is the square root of what number? I'm like, dude, she is three. Lay off. So I started asking his wife questions just to see what kind of job he was doing at life. I'm like, hey, Sarah, if car A is headed eastbound at 40 miles an hour, and car B is headed westbound at 60 miles an hour, how many months has Brad been out of work? Now, Brad thought this was hilarious. And my wife is like, Ed, and Sarah did not like word problems. That ruined a relationship. I have a teenage son who, he's very cool. He's very gifted in, my oldest teenage son, he's gifted in what's it called? Psychological manipulation. He's very gifted. I got said, hey son, can you put a few pieces of toilet paper in the bathroom?

Now I meant rolls, but I went in there later and he had taped three pieces of paper to the wall. This same kid hid a Bluetooth speaker in my bathroom, waited until I was comfortably about my business, unable to move, and started blaring Sweet Caroline. You know how many times you have to listen to Sweet Caroline to finish your business? It's three, it's three times. He's very funny. He has no interest in doing comedy, he's very funny. We have this thing that we do where we try to out-Southern each other's accents. So I'll be like, hey buddy, hey buddy, we need to move that firewood. And he'll be like, hey buddy, we need to move that firewood. And then we'll both be like, hey, firewood. Firewood. We will do this in public. We'll like be out at Lowe's, I'll be like, hey buddy, I'm gonna be over on the PVC aisle. And he'll be like, hey buddy, I'm gonna be over on the PVC aisle. And then we'll both be like, hey, PVC aisle, eepie jeepie. People are staring, nobody understands us unless we're at Dollar General. They get it, they get it so good. That's how they want you to ask for stuff at Dollar General, you know?

Hey, eepie jeepie, foot drowns, eepie jeepie. Oh baby, those are on aisle four. You ever set foot in a Dollar General and just for a second feel like you might've missed the rapture? Nobody's in there. It's a wreck. Looks like they started filming a left behind movie. And just went home. You ever look into the eyes of another person when you're in Dollar General? You can't judge them, you're in there too. In the eyes of every person inside a Dollar General is a look of desperation that they're still gonna have to drive all the way to Walmart. You gotta be careful what you wear to Dollar General. One time I wore a collared shirt, everybody thought I was from corporate. I just sent everybody home. Y'all are doing great. A good buddy of mine, he doesn't like Dollar General because he's really passionate about his hate for it. He's like, there's too much going on in the aisles. Dollar General has too much going on in the aisles. I'm like, dude, you are Pentecostal. I've been to your church. Y'all have a lot going on in the aisles. This should be your store. Y'all ever notice how the further out

into the country you go, like away from town, the nicer the Dollar Generals get? Like we live so far out, our Dollar General has a home decor section. Smells like Target in there. A buddy of mine in Alabama, he lives so far out, he said his Dollar General has valet parking. I'm like, dude, Dollar General does not have valet parking. Somebody was trying to steal your car. So Dollar Tree. You ever walk into a Dollar Tree and just start praying for it? Like Dollar Tree, where's the stuff? There's no stuff, it looks like it was robbed by a Dollar General. I was texting with a good friend of mine, one of my best friends, just recently. And what I was trying, we were having kind of a serious conversation about things. And what I was trying to say was political idolatry. Political idolatry. But I used voice to text, and it came across as party at Dollar Tree. He replied immediately, didn't you mean Dollar General? What I'm saying is, you gotta get you a friend who knows what level of dollar store you are. And I'm DG. Hey guys, my name is Ed Wiley. Thank you so much for having me out. You guys have been unbelievable.

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