Are You Getting THIS Wrong About Intimacy?

I cut my sermon in half and it's still 50 minutes. So if you want a TED talk, come at nine o'clock. I take stuff out, but we're going to throw it all in. Have a Bible with you or a Bible app with you. We're going to start in Matthew 19 here in a minute. But we are in part two of our Mary series where we're looking at these truths that must be present, must be pursued for us to experience the kind of marriage that not only just makes it but actually flourishes and gets stronger over time. And the best time to learn and hold on to these truths is not after you get married, right? But you've worked out at least the big ones before you get married, like here's the big ones, like identity in Christ, like who you are, where your worth comes from, right? What's most important in your life? Because marriage will only be as good as the kind of man or the kind of woman that shows up at that ceremony. And a ring won't change that, right? So this series is important to those of us who aren't married or aren't married yet, right? Because I'm telling you this is going to save you so much grief and so much counseling and so many lawyers if you just lean in, okay? So if you're already married though and maybe you've held on to some things that you're looking back at when I think I believe the lie, I think they're not true. And now it's coming out sideways like on our marriage

and on one another, let me remind you of this. It's the only review I'll do from last week, I'll do it every week, okay? No one is, no story is, no marriage is too bad, too far gone or too broken for God if you were to invite God back into your marriage. And what might seem impossible from where you're sitting right now can become possible when God gets involved. No matter where you are in your life, this is where you are, right? Marriage or single, a solid marriage or a shaky marriage, hang on to this, when God gets involved, I should get an amen there, right? When God gets involved in your life, we call it a God factor around here, impossible things become possible. If you're willing to trust him and submit to his word and do whatever it is that he's telling you to do, I'm telling you, no matter where you are right now, it's rough maybe, all right? I'm gonna say this every time. Jesus is the way back. He's the way he needs the truth and he's the life and he will lead you back towards what God the Father has for you if you'll trust him and then do whatever he tells you to do, old him, trust in obey, takes both. All right, let's dive in, okay? Are you fine matching your 19 yet? We'll be there in a minute, right?

So starting in January, just jumping ahead, I'm gonna be building much of the teaching in the first part of the year around this idea, this concept of living a life on mission, okay? What would it mean? What would it mean to be a church that's on mission? What would it be to me, a man or a woman on mission? What would be true of this church or you individually if we were all like living a life on mission? So before we, it's January, I'm gonna kind of steal it today. I wanna take that on mission idea and I wanna apply it to marriage. What would it mean, what would it look like, what would be present and what would not be present if you were actually part of a marriage that was on mission? One of my favorite quotes around this concept that I kind of stole it from is, it's credited Douglas MacArthur, military general in charge of the Pacific theater in World War II. He had a mission, all right? To work his way through all the Pacific islands until eventually he would get to Japan and bring it into the war. His most repeated question, he filtered everything through was this, doesn't get us to Japan. If it does, let's do it more. If it doesn't, let's dump it, discard it, or create something better, that will get us to Japan. Now I want you to hold onto that concept and I wanna expand it.

See, in order for someone, anyone, a military general, you, her, a man, woman, really anybody, but certainly when it comes to marriage, all right? In order to live a marriage on mission, it will always contain these three elements. All right, I got them from Dallas, Willard, write these down or take a picture, right? First thing is you gotta have vision. Well, where are we going? Like when you look into the future, what do you hope is true then that may or may not be true now? Like what's the destination? Where are we going with this marriage? And when you get there, what do you envision or hope to be true about your marriage when you get there? The second word would be this, intent. This is basically a question. Do you really want that? Do you, what are you willing to do to see that vision in your head or in your heart, right, become an actually lived-out reality in your life? What are you willing? What level of sacrifice are you willing to give? Because together, you might have to let go of some things, either because there's just not enough time to do everything well. Are you willing to prioritize this vision, right, over anything that might want to compete with it or distract you from it or derail the vision from becoming your lived-out reality and experience it?

So vision, what do you want, intent, how bad do you want it? And as awesome as your vision might be, no matter how much you say you want it, vision and intent don't change anything. I mean, they drive everything, but nothing changes. What are we gonna do? What are the things we need to learn or add or start? What are the things that, you know, we're looking at our marriage like we gotta get rid of that, we gotta change that, we gotta dump that, we gotta discard that. So last week, I said that marriage isn't a game, it's more than a game, all right? If you stick with it, does it get us to Japan, metaphor like going to war strategy, where the mission is we gotta get to this destination, I think it actually lines up better, as long as we know that our spouse isn't the enemy and the primary attacks aren't gonna come from him or her, they're gonna come from the spiritual realm around us and inside of us. Now if you wanna know more about that, you should've been here last week, go back in and listen to it, okay? So we're on, Rob and I, we're on the same side and we share the same vision. So I'm gonna throw out a vision for marriage and by show of hands, I wanna see if anybody wants to go there, right? So how about this? We wanna experience a marriage where the two of us

are actually one. Husband, wife, Holy Spirit joined together, naked and unashamed, fully known, no shame, no insecurities, no fear of old secrets being discovered. The Hebrew word is a cobb, we'll talk about it later, oneness, partnership, wholeness, loving, respectful, honoring, serving one another, holding on to one another, supporting one another, it's exclusive, it's intimate, both emotionally and sexually, and it gets better and closer and stronger over time, be that when we're young, beautiful and healthy, or that old, real sitting in a waiting room for surgery number five, that's my wife's life, by the way, all right, so. So as time passes, here's our vision. We wanna experience more joy and more love and more patience and more kindness. We're married to our biggest cheerleader, our biggest fan, the most important pastor in our life we're married to, I'm married to my best friend from first apartment to nursing home, till death do us part, still in love with a love that reminds us of love and grace and mercy that Jesus has shown me. She reminds me of that, he reminds me of that, that kind of love, does anybody wanna go for that? Okay, it sounds good, right? It may be a sign for that, right? So you want it, yeah, I really want it, great, that's your intent, that's your intent, all right?

Let's see, all right? That only, so that vision becomes reality, if you want it, we'll see, because it's easy to say, because that's what God has in mind for you, but it's not gonna happen by accident. I don't know how we just stumbled into it. So what's your current strategy, I'm talking to married people here right now, or people aren't married yet, what are you thinking your marriage needs to be like? What's your strategy to get there? Or do you even have one? 'Cause if you're going, I don't know, that means here's your strategy, we're just making it up as we go. We'll figure it out, whatever happens, happens, and we'll just deal with it when we get there. And we think that'll get us to, no, it won't, it won't happen, good, healthy, lifelong marriages that thrive and get stronger over time, that get stronger, not when you avoid storms, they actually get stronger when storms hit your life. That doesn't happen by chance, or we accidentally got there, or a roll of the dice luck, they require and agree, both you have to agree on this vision, both of you are all in, and then you have to build an intentional strategy to get there. So I've got some homework for you.

I challenge you to have a conversation between the two of you about what the current strategy is based on your life right now, based on your pace right now, based on your calendar right now, and then what needs to intentionally be adjusted or initiated or dumped and discarded. My goal for today, a marriage or single, is for you to identify and to begin to build an intentional strategy for the vision of your marriage to become not just a pipe dream, but a lived out experience of your life. Now you're not gonna be able to identify everything tonight, or fix everything by Tuesday, but you have to start today, and you have to start from where you are. Well, if it's different, it's not different, this is it. You have to start today. You know why? Country song last week, 'cause you don't know what tomorrow holds. So I really recommend you take pictures or notes, okay? Every strategy has two parts. This is pretty deep, right? Part number one goes this. It always involves always do this, and second, never do that. Okay, our strategy is we always do this, we never do that.

And then you have to have them both. They both have to be present, because if you're only focused on we always do this, then you're naive to think that things and situations and circumstances aren't gonna happen that you never even saw coming. So if you don't also have a, but we'll never do that, if you don't have that, you're gonna get ambushed, because you didn't proactively put up the defenses for the weak moments that didn't see that coming moments. But if you're only focused on that, we never do that. Then you're playing not to lose. You're married and somebody's gonna like that. Your marriage will be a list of all the things that you don't do or can't do, right? And no marriage can thrive when all you're focused on or throwing at one another or weaponizing or threatening one another with is this. You better not be doing that. What a lovely evening with you, right? Today we're gonna focus on one area. Again, I cut this sermon in half, we'll get to the other. One area, we'll always do that, this. And then next week we're gonna look at, never do that. And we're also gonna look at what happens when one or both of you find yourself, I never thought I would do that, but I did it or she did it. He did it. So we're gonna talk about forgiveness next week.

We're not coming, so for the rest of our time, and I can throw out a whole bunch of areas of life that you need to, like together as a couple, need to pay attention to, but I wanna spend our time addressing one area of life that in my 42 years of being a pastor, yes, I'm that old, all right? It seems to be like the most common line or reason that it's pointed to whenever a marriage hits a rough stretch of road and it's splitting up and getting divorced, it seems like this is the only thing to do, I wanna talk about what we must have to do in order to experience a joyful life and have your wants and hopes and needs fulfilled. Here's what I wanna talk about. I wanna talk about covenantal intimacy. Say that with me, covenantal intimacy. I'm gonna break it down, covenant, covenantal. It's more than a legal contractual agreement with the state of Colorado. It's actually a sacred promise to God first, and then to one another, and the only way out of a covenant is one of you has to die. Somebody going, well, someday, all right, but the death of one of the members, right? And intimacy comes from the same word that we get, that it's a math term, integer. It's a whole number, it's not a fraction, it's whole, right? So by definition, covenantal intimacy is a lifelong spiritual promise to God and to one another from this point on, we're one, right?

I promise God, I promise you. And we're gonna pack this in a few minutes, but here's where we go, we're gonna talk about this, right? When you hear intimacy, the two shall become one flesh. The first thing a lot of us, you meet sex. And I'm not simply talking about, I'm gonna talk about sex later, so if you have kids in the room, you don't wanna hear that, they should go to kids' ministry, all right? But, let me get so many emails later, but anyway, all right, so it is possible to have sex and not experience intimacy. I think it's called prostitution. It's also possible to experience intimacy where sex isn't the primary activity that you would point to. Matthew 19, when Jesus was asked in Matthew 19 about, hey, Jesus, what are the reasons that a marriage can move toward divorce? The people asking the question wanted him to say, for any and every reason that you can come up with, so you can go do what you wanna do anyway. That's what they wanted him to say. But Jesus didn't answer their question with an answer. He answered it with another question. He's so smart, right? He answered it by pointing to Genesis 2, reminding them of the way that God created man, woman, husband, wife, marriage. Again, God invented it, he gets to define it,

make up the rules, okay? So Jesus, when can we break this up, all right? So Matthew 19, verse four, this is Jesus. He said, have you not read, and they had read, they memorized it. Have you not read that he, God, who created them from the beginning made them male and female? And then God said, therefore, because how he created them, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast, underline that if you have your Bible, hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What, therefore, God, covenant has joined together, let not man separate. Now let's break that down, underline, hold fast. Hold fast to his wife, and by implication, the wife has to hold fast to her husband. And if you do a word study on that phrase, which you didn't do, but that's what you paid me for, right? It means this, to join to unite, to cling to. In other words, to hold fast means you no longer consider yourself as two separate individuals who are on their own. No, the command is from God. And when you choose to enter into a marriage, time out, you don't have to get married. But here's what God's saying, if you choose to enter into a covenantal, intimate marriage, this is what God commands you to do. It's in the imperative.

It's not a, hey, kids, you might wanna think about this. It's a mandatory command that God says you have to hold fast to if this marriage is gonna image what is intended to image, and for you to experience what God intended for you to experience. Let me dumb out all the way down. Stop thinking to, start thinking one, right? Now let me clear something up and save some more emails, okay? When you get married, you don't abandon your unique individuality, I guess I have to abandon who God created into me. No, but look at this. But you must abandon and let go of, don't hold fast through this, the idea of living your life in isolation from your spouse. Independent, I'm unique, but I'm not isolated. Pursuing any part of your life apart from or in isolation to your spouse, thinking, well, this has nothing to do with them. This is me, that's them. I'm wrong. Everything that you do is connected. This is us, that's us too. There's not me, he, she, it's just we, it's just us. We're one, the Hebrew word is a cod. Same word to describe God. The Lord our God is one, a cod, he's whole, he's complete. We're imaging that in marriage. We are one flesh, one unit, one things.

We used to be two different things, but then God united us, glued us together into this one thing. So I'm gonna tell some stories about Robin and me, not because like you should be like us, but here's why. 'Cause we've done so many things wrong. We've learned a couple things. So I'm not the hero of this story at all, right? So Robin and I, I can say this, so we're one. What do you mean? We have one last name. We're not into that hip hyphenated two last names, all right? That's called holding fast and still clinging onto the time. And we were two different families, but Robin and I are two different families. We're one family, so we have one last name. We sleep in one bed, together. We worship one God, we have one faith. We call on one name, Jesus, to be saved. We attend one church. We submit to one authority, the word of God. We have one banking account, one retirement account. Our will says that we own everything together and we don't have a prenup for her stuff and my stuff. It's all our stuff. We just have one, everything. One plan and we're on the same one page. Why? Because we're one in every part of our life. And we don't have a, well, just in case backup plan. We don't have one.

If this doesn't work out, I guess we lose everything. We're all in. Robin and I say this to us all, all the time. Hey babe, it's just you and me. Now, like I mentioned earlier, usually when you hear or read, the two shall become one slash. We primarily apply it to sexuality. And we're gonna talk about that here in a few minutes, right? When the two separate physical bodies come together to have sex, they literally merge together. This is good, if you have elementary kids in here, I can't wait for your van right home, okay? They merge together as one. They become, well, I don't know where I stop it and she starts. And I get it. It's a great, it's a great metaphor. It's a description of what's happening. I mean, it's a good one. Like, it's awesome. And it's so much fun. And it's one of my favorite things. Anyway, okay, so, but I can get an amen out there from someone. Yeah, it's okay. All right, so that, but that one flesh, it's gets worse. I mean, you might wanna leave now, but that one flesh command comes in Genesis chapter two. Having sex isn't missing until chapter four. Now, I'm pretty sure, I'm going on a limb here,

that Adam and Eve had sex shortly after God brought naked Eve and if there's introduced her to naked Adam, which after Adam says that the Adam and God looked at all of creation and there was nothing suitable for him, again, it's kind of weird. I'm playing this out in my head, right, right? When God walk in and goes, hey, Adam, I have a surprise for you, right? Come on out, Eve, it's like, ta-da. I think that was like, so much better than the kangaroos. I mean, all right, right? And like, thank you, like, what's happening? I don't know, all right, sorry. You don't know how bad I wanna keep going down this trail and, but I'm, I'm, I'm maturing, okay? But see me after and I'll tell you the rest of jokes. Anyway, but, now the next verse back in Genesis two that Jesus quoted from, but the next verse he didn't get to, the next verse is the famous and they were both naked and unashamed and don't just jump to, they didn't have any clothes on. When you read that phrase thing, naked and ashamed, not hiding anything from the other one. Fully being seen and fully being known. No fear of the other one finding out about some secret or some shame. There's nothing that's gonna happen here that would cause us to be embarrassed. No insecurity, nothing held back.

They were one flesh, one body, one entity. I don't know where I start up and she start, right? They were holding fast to one another and nothing else. That's intimacy. Sex came after intimacy was established. Sex was a celebration of intimacy. It works best in the context of intimacy. Lifelong covenantal intimacy. Now here's the problem. This is the only time you heard that this week. See, in our culture, in America, but including Christians, we confuse and even exchange sex as the same way. See, here's the reality of what we're facing. I have never, I've never had a couple come to me for counseling as a pastor, and look at me and say, hey, I'm breaking up with my wife because the sex is bad at home, or I don't get enough. I've had people come to me and complain about it, got a frustration, but nobody has ever pointed to bad sex at home as the true reason for why we're getting divorced, and here's why. 'Cause why we might point at or blame sexual frustration as our biggest felt issue, that isn't the real issue being played out, it's a symptom of something else. See, here's the most common reason I have ever heard for somebody pursuing divorce, and it goes like this. We just grew apart, and the room went silent. Wait, I don't know, we just grew apart. It's like we were living separate lives. It's like we were so focused on other things,

and they seemed important, like our kids. I mean, we're busy, our careers, it was important. Taking care of somebody, my mom, she was sick. Our busy lives, a pace of life. And then I woke up one day, here's the trigger, after the kids left, and the nest was empty, and it's just the two of us staring at each other, and I realized, I don't even know who you are anymore. I'm married to a stranger. You're right, the two became one, and then the one, over time, became two, for a bunch of different things that you can blame and point to, here's why, right? But in the crazy, I'm gonna say some really offensive, right, buckle up. But in the craziness of life and the tyranny of the urgent, at some point, you made a choice. You made a choice to let go of one another, intimacy and oneness, and you made a choice to take hold of something else. Don't play the victim here. Nobody makes us do anything. We made a choice. And you probably told yourself, this is just temporary, it's just a season, I really don't even have a choice. And by the way, this is not all my fault, all right? It wasn't just me, they gave up on this thing too. Like, who could blame me for what I had to do? Or how about we tell ourselves this, at least at the beginning, as we're drifting apart,

and trying to justify why we're not pursuing intimacy? We say stuff like that. No, we're fine. She gets it, he understands, we'll be fine. I mean, she knows, they know I love her, right? I hope, so you drift it apart. For the record, nobody drifts back together towards oneness. It will take a strategy, intentional strategy. Something must change, story time, okay? So one of my huge learnings I took away from a sabbatical, I had about seven years ago, where God forced me to look at my life and my relationship, my career, my priorities, my health, everything, right? The big three takeaways, I've shared this before, but it goes like this, my job, my career, and this church is not who I am, it's not my identity. Second, I am not in control, and when I try to control everything or anything, I'm actually trying to manage outcomes and manage to keep pain away, which is an illusion. There's very little in this world that you or I can actually control. But here's the big takeaway I want to talk about, and I would say it's the most impactful one, the most important one to me, right? It goes like this, the most important relationships in my life are Jesus and Robin, because in the end, they will be the only two still with me. And that's not a bad thing, everybody else is supposed to leave,

your kids are supposed to leave and go pursue their God-given purpose. But the follow-up to that aha moment was Jesus was so important, here's the follow-up. Jesus and Robin are the two relationships that I neglect the most, because I tell myself, they'll understand, they know they're important, they know I love them, and I'll get to them as soon as I take care of this other thing that has to be taken care of right now, right? No, not right. What is it? Foolishness. See, this is gonna offend some of you, but I don't care, see, when all these lights and cameras go well, and I'm no longer Pastor Jim, a flat-arms community church, you all will move on to the next pastor, which is good and right, and that's what needs to happen, all right? So please know, I love you, I know you love me, all right? And you're important to me, and I'll serve you to the best of my ability to the day I walk out of this else building. But I gotta tell ya, I have somebody else who's more important to me than you, because in the end, it's me and Jesus and Robin, sitting in a rocking chair, probably wiping Drew off my chin. So I came out of sabbatical with a new strategy. Another story, I'm gonna tell ya how I weighed it into this new strategy.

So the first event after sabbatical was our staff Christmas party, all right? My first time being back with all of the staff in the same room, honestly, I still felt like people were like, still, I was on trial for some people. Not every bit, so I'm all right. So Robin and I, we get there to the party and it went pretty well, right? Hey, good to see ya, so glad you're back. Way, way, way to go, blah, blah, blah, right. So about 30 minutes into the party, Robin looks at me and goes, "Hey, babe, I'm getting a migraine." And I'm like, "You okay? "Can you make it?" She said, "I'll try." Then a little bit later, she says, "Jim, I'm gonna throw up "and I'm thinking, I have to make a speech." Like, it's my first comeback speech after coming back from Jesus' jail. I mean, it's my first time up at bat and I slipped that in there. And I thought, I thought, "Hey, babe, can you hold on?" I actually said this, "Maybe if you went out "and waited in the car, it's cooler out there." And did you say, "Oh my gosh, did you really say that?" Really, okay, all right? I thought this was a safe place. All right, so, but then I thought, then I thought, no. My wife is in pain and the last thing she wants to do and I wanna put her through is vomit

in the middle of the Christmas party. So I went to one of my leadership staff and I said, "I gotta take Robin home, can you cover my speech?" And he said, "Yeah, no problem," and I took her home. On Monday, I'm in my office, Jesse comes into my office and I ask him, "Hey, me taking Robin home, "how did that go over, did people understand?" And he said, "Yeah, most people did, but for some people, "it cost ya." And here's what I said. "Hey, Jesse, my eyes probably narrowed. "I have wrongly chosen this church in my career "and everybody else's wants and needs and expectations. "I have wrongly chosen this church over Robin. "If ever once in a while, I wrongly choose Robin "over this church, I'm okay with it "and I really don't care if he really cares. "I don't." Now, thank you. (audience applauds) Now, don't put me in the husband of the year category. (audience laughs) For most of our marriage, that's not how I operate it. For most of my marriage, I didn't know how to work through conflict or fights. I have no idea, I still don't have any idea how you fix bipolar. And I felt, most days I can't make her happy, but I did know how to do my career. So I've never cheated on Robin with a person,

but I have had an affair with my job, the church. And the more I did it, the more my job told me I was awesome. She's a sweet mistress. Told me I was enough, I was successful. And Robin was too tired and too weak and too overwhelmed to fight back. I mean, how was she supposed to compete with Jesus and people becoming Christians and not going to hell? So she just took it. She pulled the covers over her head and surrendered to loneliness by myself. We're not one, what'd you say? 'Cause I was gone and I got raises for it. And that went on for years and because God is good and He's more concerned about me and Robin thriving than me and my job thriving. Even if my job is supposed to be about Jesus, because of God, according to Jesus quoting his father, Robin and me being one and united, intimately connected, trumps me in anything else I might do in this life, including my career, even if my career is ministry and it took me almost losing everything before either I or God pulled my head out of my butt to open my eyes and see what's going on. Now here's what I wanna do with what I've just said. I want you to hold up God's word that we just read and the story I just told you because the Bible says that God's word is like a mirror that reflects back what He wants us to see and learn and change in ourselves. Does any of what you've read or heard feel familiar

and maybe doesn't explain why intimacy and connection and oneness have left a building or are fading and drifting away in your marriage? I'll own it, nobody forced me to do anything that I did. I chose it. I'm not a victim of the pace of my life or my job. No, out of my own brokenness and selfishness and insecurity, I can't fail, I gotta prove something, right? I made a choice, I chose not Robin. So I also chose to make a change. The Bible word is repent. I rethought how I think about Robin and the secondary priority that I had placed her in in my life compared to a bunch of other things. I had to rethink what I was gonna choose from now on. I had to get a new strategy, regardless liked it or understood it. I don't care. And I started choosing Robin first. And then after a while, and I was not in charge of the pace or how quickly it happened. But over time, healing began. Next week, we're gonna talk about forgiveness. Please come. No one has demonstrated the kind of grace and forgiveness that reminds me what Jesus has done in my direction, more than Robin. Next week, we're gonna get to the never do that, but what are the always do this strategies

to not only experience intimacy, but to stay intimate and unified, fully known in no room for isolation, shame, secrets, and get in here? And your Bible flipped to the right to Ephesians chapter five, okay? It's gonna be here on the screens, but there are some underliners in here, okay? Paul's gonna give two commands, always do this. Do you think if one for husbands, always do this toward your wife, and one for wives, always do this toward your husband? And if the word of God commands us to do something, that means that our response can't be based on emotions, our response can't be based on conditional, depending upon what's going on in my life. If God commands you or I to do something, then he knows that it is within your ability with the power of his Holy Spirit in your life to do it, or he wouldn't tell you to do it. So it's not, I don't know if I can do that. See, when God commands something, the question is, will I do it or not? Will I obey him or not? It's all you got. And the only reason that you would choose to obey God when he tells you to do something that's hard, which we're gonna look at here in a minute, is because you actually are convinced that God is good, and God wants good for you.

And God knows that what he is doing, even when, or if you can't see or understand it because you haven't ever been there before. But how about this? You believe that God is smarter than you. That God knows things that you don't know, and God could do things that you haven't thought about yet. I like this phrase, especially when God commands you to do or not do something towards another person in their life. And I've had to apply this many, many times, but it's especially applied to marriage. Look at this. God is doing something in the other person's life, your husband, your wife, right? That you know nothing about. Oh, I know everything. See, God's doing something in his life or her life, and you don't know, right? If you do what God tells you to do towards a person, in this case, your spouse, you are partnering with God in what God is doing in the other person's life so we can get better faster. And if you tell God, no, I won't do that. I can't do that. That's not fair for you to expect me to do that. God's still gonna work in that other person's life, but you will make it harder for God to do what he's going to do because you're supposed to be working with God for this person, but when you refuse, you actually become the blockage.

God's still gonna do it. You're just kinda in the way. So here are the commands from God through Paul, first spouses to always do this, all right? It's gonna be long and then we'll break it down. Okay, here we go, all right? If he's in five, verse 25, husbands love your wives, that's an underliner, men, right? As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her so that he, Christ, might sanctify her. Time out. So this is like love your wife like Christ loved the church. So anytime you see Christ in this metaphor, think husband, and every time you see church, reference, think wife, okay? 'Cause it's a mystery, we'll look at this, all right? So sanctify her, having cleansed her, the bride, the wife, the children, by the washing of the water with the word so that he, Christ husband, might present the church, bride, wife, right, to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish. Same way, so here's an illustration, in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies, he who loves his wife loves himself for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes, provides protection. Just as Christ does the church because we are members of his body,

therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, there is again, and the two shall become one flesh. This is, this mystery is profound. Let me go on, this blows my mind, yeah, I know. And I'm saying that it refers to Christ in the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, here's, and let the wife, underline it, ladies, let the wife see that she respects her husband. We'll get to that, okay? So here's a long time from now. Here's the one. and Paul gives two pictures of what the purpose of that one command is. Man, you should be writing this down, okay? Hey, husbands, always do this. One A, husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. With the goal of his bride, your bride, the church, in this case, your wife, standing one day in front of God, having become everything that God had in mind for her, knowing that Jesus would have to sacrificially give himself up to make that possible for it to be a reality in the church's life. Here's part two, husbands love your wives as your own body, and then Paul quotes Jesus quoting Moses, quoting God, and he introduces chapter two. Love them as your own body, like they are your body, because you are one body. The two will become one flesh. So love your wife as yourself because the two of you are yourself. If you would approach her and think of her,

not as her over there, but we right here, you'll be able to provide and protect your wife better than ever, because I don't even think about my life as any way connected from her. One flesh, weird illustration. When I get in my truck to drive to the office, I don't stop and pause and go, am I gonna take my arms to work today? Am I gonna leave one of my legs and I kind of hurt, and I'll just leave it at home today? No, I take all of me with me without even thinking about it. Paul says the same thing with your wife. Wherever you go, you should go with the perspective of, she's right here, she's part of me. Paul says, love her that way so that you never even have a thought that you are anything other than one thing in this thing together. Jesus loved the church and to provide for us to have everything that we need to be with God. It involved a huge sacrifice on his part, but Jesus made a decision. He counted it worth what it was gonna cost him so you and I could have what we need. That's the model. I'm not saying you're dying across for your wife, but that's the model. So I got some really intrusive questions that probably gonna cause interesting conversations tonight. Let me talk to the husbands, right? What are you doing at a sacrificial level

in order for your wife to experience the thing that she loves, even though it means that you aren't gonna be able to do everything you want to do? And I'm not talking about, I put a roof on her head and I put food on a table and I work hard and I know men that don't do that. Great, you're better than them. I mean, I got bivalrous to not provide for the needs of your family according to First Timothy puts you in the category of worse than an unbeliever. So in that area, right, you're doing okay. But that's not what Paul is talking about. Paul's not talking about what's the bare minimum of expectations before you're considered a bad husband. He's comparing you to the kind of sacrifice that Jesus was willing and happy to provide for us, not just to get us out of hell. That's just a bare minimum. Jesus didn't come going, I came to bail you out of hell. He said, he came that we might have life and experience life and he didn't say just any life, at least you're not dead kind of life. That's not what he said. I came that you might have life and have an abundant life, like overflowing full life. So here's the question, right? Husbands, what is it in your wife's life that you know gives her joint happiness? And when you see how's that going on, she just comes alive.

I mean, her eyes get brighter, like she's in her like happy place, right? And I'm not talking about it, it's a one time event. It's not something you can order off Amazon a couple of times a year and that'll do it. No, it's so important to her and therefore it's so important to you that you make sure, even it's sacrificially, you're gonna do everything within your power to make sure she experiences abundant life. And the reason that it feels abundant is because she knows, she feels, she senses. This lines up with how God created her and it's part of his plan and purpose for her life. Now I gotta follow up question, man. It's like, no, stop. Okay. When I just ask, what is it in your wife's life that gives her joint happiness? What came to your mind first? And if you don't know what that is, I promise you, you aren't sacrificially providing it for her. So I'm gonna give you another story just to kind of get you started. Robin and me on display, okay? All right, so, so Robin and I, we're team us. I already said that. And we know how important it is for us to be like unified together with one another and with Jesus above and before anything else.

That's number one, okay? But for Robin, just under that, sometimes it bumps in. All right? Robin's primary calling and passion of her life has always been, I wanna be a mom and a nana. [BLANK_AUDIO] of migraines, her one goal some days was, I just want to be out of bed so I can be a good mom and they get home. So now, all right, like she's doing all right, she loves taking, she's in charge of everybody's birthdays. She buys all the Christmas presents. Christmas morning, the kids'll go pop up, thank you. I'm like, yes, surprise to me too, I don't know, all right? She's the one that texts all the kids, it reminds me to do that, but bigger, bigger than that, Robin's greatest desire is not a president or a partner, right, her biggest desire is she wants to have a home, a place where our kids and our grandkids want to come back and visit, not drugs there, like, oh, no, not that, right? They want to run home to our house. It doesn't have to be a big fancy house, or bigger expensive, hang on to that, all right? It just has to be a place where our family can come together and joy being together. So last, early fall, right, everybody's over the house, all right? And my daughter, Ali, said, hey dad, the kids want me to ask you a question, hey, they want to know, hey, pop up, will you put in a pool in the backyard?

It's like, huh? But I looked over there, and I saw Robin also heard that, and I looked at Robin and Robin looked at me, and I knew we're putting in a pool. [LAUGHTER] And so we did. For tax purposes, it's a backyard baptistry. [LAUGHTER] All right, all right. And I have baptized people in it, all right? But I did remind Robin that we are making a substantial commitment to the be free campaign, which she had already told me it's not enough and needs to be more, to which I wanted to say, one of us has a job, and one of us doesn't. I didn't say that. I didn't. I would never say that out loud. [LAUGHTER] Actually, the reason I would never say it is because it's not true. I'm not going to bring some of the paycheck, but we are one. And it's not our money, it's God's money. And he has entrusted it to us, which means that we will leverage it for God's purposes first, which includes seeing Robin thrive. Husbands love your wife, and that has nothing you're going to go, do I have to put in a pool? I had to wait until I was 64, OK? Loving your wife has nothing to do with money or how much it costs, although what we spend our money on does reveal what's the most important thing going on in our heart.

That's what Jesus said. But here's the question. Seeing the two of you as one body, what are you joyfully providing for your wife, even at a sacrificial level, so that she experiences the kind of life that lines up with the way God created her and fills her with peace and joy and significance. And gentlemen, if you don't know the answer to what would give her joy, find out the answer. What are you saying? Ask her. I want to talk to the wives. Ladies, if tonight he asks you, don't get mad and say, you should know this by now. I'm married to one of you, OK? He should know. He doesn't know. We're very simple creatures. We'll get to that, right? But he's asking husbands, if you want to build or rebuild intimacy, love her that way. Serve her that start there, OK? Next, tomorrow this will not be water, all right? Because Robin will be here. So anyway, it's up. Here's the one command to wives regarding their husbands. And men-- OK, men-- look at Mary, OK? If you don't normally-- if you're not normally one of those amen people, now's not their time to start, OK? Let me just look straight ahead, OK?

Because here he is, he feeds in chapter 5, 33. You have all these verses on love, love, love, love, love. And this says this, and let the wife sees that she respects her husband. Now here's what just happened, OK? Some of the wives earlier who were sitting in this room are campuses, right? Here's what you were thinking. You would love to be loved like that. If I believed that he would sacrifice whatever it took to see my hopes and my dreams of the field, if I was convinced that I was so important to him that he would do whatever was in his power-- some things aren't in his power-- but he would do everything in his power to make sure I was taken care of, I was protected. If I knew I was a higher priority than his job, his buddies, and his hobbies, then I think maybe intimacy and oneness could become a reality in our marriage. So you were all on board, ladies in. And that same woman just heard the wife see to it that she respects her husband. And you started grinding your teeth, your jaw got stiff, your forehead wrinkled up, and you had a stifle out there, whatever. Maybe I would if he was worth respecting. I might be able to if he was worth respecting, not true. If God, not Jim, if God is telling you to do it, then you can choose what we're about to unpack together, starting now. But before we get, here's the thing, most of us as husbands and wife, we're caught in

a vicious, no-win circle cycle, right? Here's what the wife is saying. She's saying this, "Maybe I'd respect him if he loved me better." At least that makes sense on a certain level. It's hard to respect someone who isn't showing you the love that you want or cares about you, what's important to you, because it's hard to trust him. You want me to respect him? Here's what he's saying, "Maybe I'd love her better if she gave me some respect." Again, it makes sense on a certain level. It's really hard to show love to someone who rarely notices or mentions anything that you do right, but has made it her personal mission to point out everything that you do wrong, where you're failing or where you're not good enough. Who doesn't want to come home to that every night? Look straight ahead. We're stuck. It's a love respect standoff. At some point, because God commands it and knows that your marriage will only thrive if both love and respect are present. Because of that, one of you has to make a choice to take a risk, not knowing what the response or the return will be from the other one. One of you, we say all the time, "Has to go first. Here are your options. All of her better than I've been demonstrating it, or I'll respect him better than I've been demonstrating it," and we'll see what that looks like. The option is, "I'll go first, and I'll call a lawyer because I don't have to put up with this anymore." Again, I know what's happening. Some of you are always thinking, "I shouldn't have to do that, and what you're describing, I shouldn't have to do that." Why not?

Because it's not fair. Of course not. Write this down. Fair ended out the cross. Not fair. It was love. Fair or not. What needs to change on your part, draw a circle, work on that? What needs to change in you, if you have any intent of seeing the vision of your marriage come back together? What are you willing to do? Are you willing to do what God says to you, for you, because he knows what needs to change, and he's going to point it out? So wise, let's talk about God's command to you, to see to it that you respect your husband. What does that even mean? Is it, "Yes, sir, whatever you want, your majesty, you're the boss, I'm just the handmaiden?" No. It kind of cools something about that. No. I'll get so many letters. That's not what respect means. Respect is almost in the Bible. It's probably one of the most mystifying and misapplied words by Christians. The same way that whole submit words or fireworks go off. See, the umbrella verse that nobody ever quotes is, it's right up above it, "Submit to one another," which means this. We both, like in a covenant, right? We both submit our own personal agendas, we put those under the greater agenda of pursuing what's good and best for us, not just one of us, because we're one. Respect, let's get in this.

Respect literally comes from the same word that we get the word fear, phobos, like phobia. And it doesn't mean, ladies, be scared to death of your husband. No, it's not that kind of fear. God tells us, commands us, do not be afraid. I'm not giving you a fear, but of love and peace, right? The other place that we see this command apply that we are to respect and fear is toward the Lord. Fear the Lord. Respect the Lord, which means this, see if this explains anything better, right? When you are told to fear and respect the Lord, but in this context, your husband, it means this, you look at him, you regard him. I see something strong and powerful in you, and I'm not talking biceps, I'm talking character, I'm talking consistency, I'm talking everything that you hope for. I see that, right? You're so strong, you're so smart, you can out-talking. If you use that strength against me, it would crush me, it would be harmful and dangerous and scary, but when I look at you and I experience you, I see strength, but I feel safe and protected under your strength as opposed to one to run away from your strength and protect myself. So this is me, this is where I have landed and you don't have to agree with me, but this This is for me, right? but I would rather believe that Robin respects me over loving me. Take a breath. Well, how can you say that? If she doesn't respect me and she loves me, I'm her project. I'm her, bless your heart, you're kind of dumb, but I'll take care of it. I just don't wanna be a part of that. I want both.

So, all right, ladies, buckle up, wise, be honest. If you were to compile a list of everything you've told your husband in the last year, the last 24 hours about what he is good at, what he has and is doing right, where you've told him out loud, I'm proud of you, that you believe in him. When was the last time you caught him doing something right and you whispered in his ear, I love it when you do that? When was the last time you told him that you feel safe under his leadership and protection? Compare that to the list that you have waiting for him when he walks in the room, pointing out, once again, he's not cutting it, he's let you down again, and you let him know that you're disappointed in what he's done or not done, right? Hey ladies, I wanna tell you something you might like, but you probably won't, but regardless of what's going on in your relationship, you're still the most important human voice in his life. And if you tell him something enough times, he'll start believing it and he will start living out of that good or bad, 'cause you told him that's what he was. And I am not making any excuses for his mistakes or bad behaviors, I bet he's a turd sometimes, all right? And there are times when you have to call things out, that's wrong, that's sinful. But maybe the reason that, well, we just don't talk anymore, and anytime you suggest, like, can we talk, it feels like being called to the principal's office,

that's never good, and when you say can we talk, I'm gonna try to shut that stuff down and find a door, because inevitably, let's talk turns into a list of, once again, you're doing it wrong. You cannot nag or criticize your husband into becoming a strong worthy of respect, man, husband, and father, no more than you can yell at him, hoping he'll love you better. No man stepped into being the spiritual leader of his home because his wife shamed him into being a better Christian. It doesn't work, so stop. Well, what will work? See, to respect him. He knows what's wrong, all right? Tell him that you believe in him, that you see strength in him, and then say, well, why do you say it? Give him examples of why you believe it, and see it, catch him doing something right, and tell him every day, write this down. This compliment him 10 times over what he did right compared to criticizing about what he didn't do. Tell him you're still happy you married him, and if you had a choice, you'd do it all again. All right, let's get right. Blow his mind and initiate sex instead of waiting for him to bring it up, and then give him an excuse, listen, excuse why it's not gonna happen right now, or sign, and you're agreeing to take one for the team,

let's get it over with. (audience laughing) I know there's kids in the room. Now listen, I know, some of you wives are getting pretty mad at me right now. I know, I got security right down here, right? Here's what you're thinking. He doesn't do that for me. Why should I be expected to do that for him? Because while he is a strong man who is capable of loving and providing and protecting you, and his family, he's also a fallen, broken, insecure child of God, just like you, who has baggage and memories and scars and wounds and voices, you know nothing about constantly telling him, you're not enough, and he never will be. And God has placed you in his life as the closest, most important human being in his life, and has given you this command. See to it that you build him up, that you respect him. Breathe life and courage and faith and grace into him. Help him believe what God says is true about him, is still true, 'cause if you don't tell him, he'll eventually start believing the other voices he hears all day long. Ladies, we're not that complicated. (audience laughs) You overthink, you overthink, you think men are like you, and then we're not. I'm gonna be a little crass here.

I heard one female comedian say this, women overthink everything. That's why, here we go. That's why women rarely have sex streams. Let me explain. See if a woman has a sex stream and looks over to this Brad Pitt in her bed, her first response, how's you get here? I haven't brushed my teeth and I didn't take a shower today. (audience laughs) If a man has a sex stream, the only thing he's thinking (congregation laughing) Hey, before we do this, did you brush your teeth? No. She could've eaten corn on the cob and chased it with a brownie. He doesn't care, right? I can't believe you haven't figured this out yet. We're very simple. All right, here's some homework. (congregation laughing) Ah, you can email me. I like to find a dessert. It's an experiment, and you don't have to do this, but I'll just, laser. When your husband comes in the door, just telling me he's great at something, feeding some noodles, and then touches, hm-hmm. More often, than should be necessary. And that man will go fight a war for you.

(congregation laughing) Some of you ladies go like, well, how often? Whatever number you have in your head, put a zero after it, all right? (congregation laughing) You know what? So I'm not gonna do that. Okay, don't. But why not? And if it works, do not email me. Jim, we did what you said, and I don't wanna know. All right, it's time for breakfast. Let me land the plane here. We're gonna pick it up next week. If you wanna experience, you wish you'd left over there, a marriage on a mission that is whole, unified, intimately, mutually fulfilling. It's strong over time, doesn't drift apart. A marriage that you would describe, to anybody who would ask you, be married to her, be married to him. Think about this. It's the place I feel happiest. It's safest, most complete, even especially in the worst times and seasons. If I could pick any place to be with anyone on the planet, if you were to be asked where's your favorite place to be, you wouldn't have to think about it. It's home with my husband, it's home with my wife. That's the vision. And if you want that vision, then that's the intent.

Then you need a strategy which will start with this. You're gonna have to repent. You gotta rethink how you've been seeing things and thinking about things, how you've thought about what marriage is gonna be like. It's like this. You're gonna have to think about how you're actually, not what you, in my heart. How you're actually relating to them, how you're actually treating them, how the words are coming out. And why, how did it get like that? And then if the future's gonna be different by that, I mean better, then you're gonna have to start doing different things. It starts it, you gotta draw a circle around yourself and work on that. But here's the goal, here's the mission, that that circle and her circle, his or, they move closer to one another. Now as you do that, once you work through all that, you worked there, but you know what he did? I don't know, it's probably horrible. You know what she doesn't do? I've been very disappointed. Eventually, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna have an aha moment that involves a conversation that goes like this, hey, I need to talk to you. Just let me say it.

I now, I now realize what it must feel like to be on the other side of me. The receiving end of me and how I have been coming out on you. And I'm sorry, and I ask for your forgiveness. And then you'll bid a crossroads, 'cause the rest of your life depends on the choice you're about to make.