Week 3 | “Why is This So Hard?”

I'm a licensed professional clinical counselor. And relationships are wonderful. And they can also be hard at times. And a few areas that I see relationships struggle is one, sometimes we're not making known our emotional needs. Secondly, sometimes we don't focus and prioritize their relationship above other things. And the third thing is sometimes we don't even really know how to do a repair. We want to come back together, but we don't know what to do. So my hope is that we can all stay curious about relationships and keep working and keep thinking about it so that we can have better relationships going forward. - All right, good morning, great to have everybody here. We're gonna welcome all of our Willow locations. Big shout out to those who are joining us online. And as always, a big welcome to our brothers who join us at the Jefferson City Correctional Center. Great to have you guys with us. Hope we're all doing well. Some of you know, last week I ran a race in Park City, Utah, and I'm back. Maybe I survived it. We found the finish line, it was great. And we'll tell you a lot more about that in weeks to come. But really excited to be here with you this morning as we wrap up the series we've been in

that we've been calling, it's complicated. It's a series on relationships. And here's why we did this series on relationships. Is I'm really convinced there's a direct correlation between the quality of your relationships and the quality of your life. In other words, show me somebody whose relational world is relatively healthy. Their marriage or the relationship with their significant others going pretty well. They've got good relationships with their co-workers, friends, extended family, neighbors. The relational world is for the most part is pretty whole. Show me that person. They've got a pretty high quality of life. And then show me another person whose relational world is really struggling. Their marriage feels broken. They've got all kinds of distance between their co-workers. They're disconnected from friendships and so on and so on world. If somebody's relational world is shattered, it's actually somebody who will have a lower quality of life as well. And so it's because of that and because of that truth throughout this series, we've been leaning into God's word and we say if we lean into God, his power, and lean into his word and his principles, if we can apply his wisdom of relational principles to our lives, as much as our quality of relationships

improve, it also improves our quality of life. But it's complicated, isn't it? I'm only gonna think about our relational worlds and they can be quite complicated. Today we're specifically gonna look at the art of repair because every relationship that matters to us at all is gonna require moments of repair. I think about it this way. I think about a large dam like the Hoover Dam that would hold up an entire body of water. Now you think about that dam, if it gets a small crack, almost insignificant, almost you could not even recognize that it's there. And if you do nothing with it, what will happen in time is water will get into that crack and the water will eventually expand that crack. And if you still do nothing about it, eventually more water will get in that crack, it'll get a little bit larger. If it happens too much over time, eventually it compromises the dam and it actually can come down. The same is true in our relational lives. That sometimes the fracturing of the relationship almost feels somewhat insignificant, almost like you could pass by. Maybe think about it this way. Think about a relationship in your life that has grown distant. One that was once pretty close,

that's grown distant over time. Can you remember what started that distance? Now for some of us, we can name it. I think for a lot of us, we actually can't name when it started, that we got a lot of data point sense that we can talk about the distance that's been created, but we don't even know why it started. Because oftentimes it starts with something that feels so insignificant, it feels like not to be bothered with. But if we're not careful that crack or fracture in the relationship, it can grow and if unaddressed, it can grow a little bit more, it eventually becomes so significant that it compromises the entire relationship and can take it down. As that's why repair becomes such an important relational skill, if we don't repair well, we don't live in healthy relationships long-term. There's a fantastic relational psychologist, his name is John Godham. He's probably done some of the most premier research work on relationships. And he could say with like 95% prediction, And what he's looking for is how they deal with conflict, how they actually manage conflict. And he acknowledges that every relationship is going to have some forms of conflict. Now, God says this in this way. He says if you enter into any long-term relationship thinking that the hallmark of his success is a lack of conflict, you're setting yourself up for disappointment failure. In other words, a healthy relationship is not the absence of conflict.

A healthy relationship is learning how to deal with conflict well. And so how do I learn how to deal with it? Conflict inevitable. You're going to find conflict in a marriage and in a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship. You're going to find conflict at work. There'll be conflict with your neighbor, especially when he messes with the fence line. You know, there's all kinds of conflict that will come up. And a healthy relationship is not the absence of the conflict. It's how do we deal with the conflict when it comes up? I want to take us to this powerful chapter in the Bible. Book of Ephesians chapter 4. So if you've got a Bible with you, I would encourage you to go to the Book of Ephesians chapter 4. If you'd like to pull it up on the Bible app, the U version Bible app, I would encourage you to do that. Now, let me give you a little bit of context for the Book of Ephesians. Paul wrote the Book of Ephesians. It was actually a letter that he wrote while he was in prison to the Church of Ephesus. Now, the Church of Ephesus, Paul knew even though he was geographically not close to Ephesus at the time of the writing, he knew that there was some relational turmoil in this young church. It was pretty significant turmoil. And so if you read the front part of the Book of Ephesians, you find out about the Jew and Gentile controversy. Here was the controversy. Really, for centuries and centuries, the Jewish people saw themselves as the people of God, because they were the chosen people of God to bring the Messiah into the world. But through Jesus, Jesus not only brought salvation to the Jewish people, Jesus brought salvation to all people, to even those Gentile people. And so they were wrestling with this theology of, do we as God's people fully embrace the Gentiles who are once Godless people? And do we embrace them as fully functioning members of the family of God? Now, that sounds maybe not like a major conflict, but you need to understand how much conflict and turmoil and tension in the ancient world that was between the Jewish people and the Gentile people. I mean, the Jewish people at the time, they thought that the Gentiles, they were like half breeds.

They weren't even like real human types of people. And so to embrace them as fully functioning members of God's family was a very difficult hurdle to overcome. And so Paul spends the first three chapters of the book of Ephesians giving them the theology behind the why. And then he spends the next three chapters, chapters four, five, and six, talking like practically how you live it out. Here's the fancy theological words for that. It's orthodoxy and orthoproxy. In other words, it's right thinking and right living. And so Paul spends the first three chapters theologically convincing them the Gentiles are fully functioning members of God's family. And in light of that truth, here's how you need to live out that tension. And how you need to repair things so that the relationship can't come together. So chapter four is very, very relationally practical and was so applicable in the first century. But the principles that Paul teaches that early church are just as applicable and powerful for us today if we're willing to lean in. So here's what Paul says, kicking off the chapter, Ephesians chapter four, help me out when I get to the underlying words. Here we go. Paul writes, "As a prisoner for the Lord then," again, because he wrote this in prison. He says, "I urge you to live a life that's worthy of the calling that you have received." He says, "Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient bearing with one another in love." And then he says, "Make every effort to keep unity of the spirit through the bond of peace." Now, as Paul goes into the orthoproxity, like the right living, like how do we live this out? Notice he doesn't just launch into key communication skills. He actually talks about your character and who you are. It's going to be actually grounded in something that matters. And so Paul implores us, he says, "Be humble, be gentle, be patient, because who you are is the foundation for what you will ultimately do." And then he says, "You've got to make every effort." Here's the truth in relationships. You cannot control what they do. You cannot control with how they react. You cannot control how they respond.

What you can control is what's in your control. "make every effort to bring this unity together "through the spirit, through the bond of peace." I think that maybe what Paul's gonna be getting at, and you'll see this a little bit later in the chapter, is really the art of repair and how to do repair work really well. Gottman a little bit later, he goes on and he says these words, Gottman would say this, he says, "Repair attempts "are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples." I mean, I love that, secret weapon. I kinda like secret weapons, right? And so I kinda like the thought of repair attempts are the secret weapon, and Gottman would say, "Repair attempts can be all kinds of different things." A kind word in a heated moment. A hand on somebody's knee. Now I'm referring to your spouse and not your coworker with that illustration. A moment of humor when things get tense. Repair attempts, they are the secret weapons as it related to emotionally intelligent, I wouldn't say couples, I would say emotionally intelligent people. And so how do we begin to think through how to do this wisely? I'm gonna take us from the first part of the book of Ephesus, and I'm gonna fast forward to the end of the same chapter of chapter four, and I wanna pull out three different principles

that Paul gets at that if we apply these things will be tactics and practical pieces that we can repair well, thus, increasing the quality of our relationships and thus the quality of our lives. You ready for this? All right, here's principle one. We gotta be people who tell the truth. But maybe that's rocket science, Sean, I know. We gotta be people who tell the truth. Here's how Paul gets at this, verse 25, he says this, "Therefore help me out with the underlying words, "therefore each of you should put off falsehood "and speak truthfully to your neighbor "for we are all members of one body." So Paul calls it out, we've gotta be people. If we're gonna repair well, we've gotta speak truthfully. Now what he's not just saying is stop lying. What he's saying is we gotta be careful not to avoid. Meaning when you feel some tension in a relationship if you've ever been in a scenario where you go, how are you doing? And they say, I'm fine, they're not actually fine. They actually just don't wanna deal with whatever it is that's going on in the moment. And the challenge of avoidance in moments of tension is again, it's the crack that starts filling with water and it begins to grow and expand until it ultimately can compromise the relationship. Now oftentimes we avoid for all kinds of reasons,

but I would say this, avoidance is not peace. Avoidance is just postponed pain with interest. The longer hurt goes unprepared, the more expensive the repair becomes. You and I know this, for example, if you don't deal with it when it's a cavity, eventually you have to get a root canal. If you don't respond when the check engine light comes on, it's possible that you'll eventually have to replace the whole engine. I think about it this way in my own life. I have this storage room in our basement. You have one of these? It's kind of the place you put stuff when there's no other place to put the stuff. Is this where the holiday decorations go? It's where the tools go, it's where the ladders go. It's where the stuff goes where there's no other place to put stuff. It's kind of the collect all. Now, a couple of years ago, I decided I was going to be really organized. So I built these metal shelves. I got these bins. The bins fit really nicely and neatly in these shelves. I labeled all the bins so we knew exactly where things go in whichever bin. I got done with this and I was thinking, this is amazing. My storage room, I could have eaten food

off the floor of my storage room is pretty amazing. Now, over the course of time, there were moments I didn't quite get items back into the correct bin. Instead, I just set them on the floor next to the bin. So Christmas was over. I got the tree back in, but then the tree was kind of blocking the bin. I didn't really want to move the tree out of the way. So I just set the wreath in front of the thing, right? And so it just kind of happened. And it slowly but surely things just kind of started collecting and kind of building up a little bit. Now, I noticed this a long time ago. Did I deal with it? No, I did not. When I noticed the problem, it probably would have taken me 20 to 30 minutes to figure it all out, get it all reorganized and that was fine. But I didn't deal with it when it was a small problem. And now, there's so much stuff in the room that I can't even get to the bins if I even wanted to, and I don't want to deal with it right now, so I just continue to throw stuff in the door. And so, it got so bad that this summer, Lindsey and I said, we're gonna carve out a half day, 'cause that's what it's gonna take now. And we're gonna pull everything out of this closet, we're gonna reorganize everything,

and we're gonna put it all back in. Do you know how long it took us to do that? I have no idea, 'cause I'm so overwhelmed, I still haven't done it. We talked about it for two weeks, then we were gonna do this thing. We still have it, I was in the closet yesterday, 'cause I had to find something. I could barely open the door to the closet because of what it is. Because it's now this overwhelming mess, because I didn't deal with it when it was actually relatively small. The same is true relationally, avoidance is not peace. It is just postpone pain with interest. The longer hurt goes unrepaired, the more expensive the repair becomes. That's why Paul says we got to speak the truth. And we gotta deal with things when they're smaller problems before they become much larger problems. But here's what we also need to be on the same page about when it comes to truth. Truth has to serve the relationship and not destroy the relationship. Because a lot of truth has been spoken and justified as true things that are spoken, but been spoken in a very damaging way. We're gonna talk about that more in just a little bit. So when I talk about speaking truth into a situation,

it is acknowledging whatever happened and acknowledging in a very clear, truthful type of way, but it's meant to serve the relationship, not destroy the relationship. Let me give you maybe a template on how to think about this. I'm gonna put this on the screen. Some of you need to take a picture of this, or maybe write it down. This will be helpful as you think about presenting truth in a moment of conflict. And so kind of here's the template for us, that we communicate like when blank happened, I felt this way and what I need you to understand is this. And so what we find with a template like this is it's not attacking, it doesn't put somebody on defense, it just addresses the need and it addresses it very directly. So let me fill in a couple blanks with some examples. So for example, somebody might say, when you checked your phone during our conversation, I felt invisible. What I need you to understand is that your attention is one of the ways that I feel loved. Makes sense? Very direct, very clear, not an attack. Here's another example. When you made that decision without talking to me first, I felt dismissed. What I need you to understand is that being included matters more to me than what we actually decide.

Very clear, very direct, not weaponizing truth in any way. Here's the last example. When you brought up that old argument in front of our friends, I felt humiliated. What I need you to understand is that I can handle hard conversations, but not when I'm feeling ambushed in front of others. Very direct, very clear, not weaponizing in any way. Truth is meant to serve the relationship never to destroy it. There's a couple of things to keep in mind as we think about communicating truth in conflict-oriented seasons. I would encourage this all to say this. Avoid name calling. We never call somebody else's name. We never say anything demeaning toward them. I would also say, don't bring up the past. In other words, there might be a moment that you're a little hysterical. Don't ever get historical. Because the moment I start bringing up what happened last week and what happened the month before, what happened the year before that, all of a sudden I'm not just dealing with what's here, I'm dealing with all of it. And it becomes this overwhelmingly filled storage closet that I don't even know what to deal with. And so I get defensive and I back away and not to do anything. We can't get historical.

Maybe here's one other kind of insight, particularly for those of you who are married. Outlaw the D-word in your relationship. Lindsay and I did this early on. We said we will never use the word divorce, ever. It's not a word that we will ever say out loud. Not in the conversation, not in argument. It's not a manipulative tool. It's not a threatening kind of way. And so Paul says speak truth, but the truth has to serve the relationship, never destroy the relationship. Here's principle two. Principle two is this. You gotta look below the surface. This is a good one. This is gonna challenge both me and you. Look below the surface. Here we get the next verse. Paul says in your anger, do not sin. And then he says this, help me with the underlying words. Do not let the sun go down while you're still angry. And do not give the devil a, man, there's some good language here. Now a couple of things around anger. Now notice Paul doesn't call anger a sin. He basically warns us, be careful in your dysregulated emotional state don't sin. So I would say this about anger. Anger is not a sin.

Help me with the next slide. Anger is not a sin. It's always a signal. Anger in of itself is not sinful. But it's always a signal that there's something going on, something going on underneath. There's a word that Paul uses a little bit earlier in Ephesians chapter four. It's this word patience and it's interesting if you look at the ancient language behind it. It's actually a combination of two words. It's a combination of anger, but also the word that is a phrase like for a long time. In other words, the ability to feel really deeply, but not detonate quickly. In Paul says we've got to be those kinds of people because if we're those kinds of people, it actually allows us to pause and ask a couple questions. Question one, why am I angry? In other words, like what happened? The second question is, what am I actually feeling? Because anger is often a secondary emotion. That usually there's something else that I'm really feeling. I'm feeling afraid. I'm feeling disrespected. I'm feeling offended. I'm feeling pain. I'm feeling something.

And so what am I feeling? And the third question is, what's actually beneath that? As Paul gives this permission to feel deeply without detonating quickly. Because if I can understand what's actually happening below the surface, I actually have a better chance at trying to repair what's going on. Now, if your lives are anything like mine, I've got a lot of relationships that have that really, really long fuse. The relationships that have had more conflict, that fuse got shorter and shorter and shorter, right? And if it gets, if I've got a really, really short fuse, it is this indicator that there's something more going on. I need to kind of take a deep look within. Because Paul gives this this warning in Ephesians chapter four, he says, don't let the devil get a foothold. What does he mean by that? Because you and I both know if we don't resolve the anger, if we don't resolve the bitterness, whatever's going on in the relationship, it actually gets a hold of us. I don't hold on to the anger. It actually held on to me, that the image is almost like a bear trap. Have you ever seen these bear traps? Somebody is like this like Jaws thing. I can't make my arms go all the way down. You're with me.

They like go all the way down. And then it's hidden in the brush. And if a bear steps on it, it just claps on their foot. And the bear cannot get out of it. It's got a hold of it. And that's the image that Paul's given us, that the anger, that bitterness, that frustration in a relationship, it can just, it can just get a hold of you. And if you don't deal with whatever it is that's beneath the surface, it isn't gonna let you go. Now this is a little gruesome, but bear hunters will tell you that a bear that gets trapped, bears are actually known to be willing to not off their own leg in order to free themselves from the trap. I know it's a gruesome image, but I think in highly applicable, because when anger's a part of our journey and it just turns and turns and it has a hold of us, it's amazing how self-destructing that can become and how relationally destructive that can become. And so Paul says like don't let it, don't let it get a hold of you, don't let it get a foothold in your life. Because here's what I know, if you just look at the trajectory of people's lives, have you known some people who are maybe of an older generation?

I will say there's some people I know in the older generation, they were the kindest, most compassionate, loving, generous, fun, joy-filled people you will ever be around. It's amazing. I've also been around some people of an older generation that are the most cranky, cynical, angry, bitter people that you've ever been around. and bitterness to take root. Just continue to work, clean out their own heart, clean out the relationship, continue to repair it, continue to do the work. And because of that, they experience so much freedom. The person who becomes bitter and cynical and angry as they get old is the person who never did that kind of work. I mean, I had somebody tell me one time they're like, "Man, old people are angry." I'm like, "No, old people are not angry. Angry people just got old." You feel the difference? That doesn't have to be your trajectory. But it requires that you do the work. You got to do the hard work. Let's go into the third principle that Paul gives us. The principle I think that Paul would say this, he says, "I want you to be people who build with your words. Build with your words. Help me out with the underlying words." Here's what it says, "Do not let any and wholesome talk come out of your mouths. But only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs." That's a really important part, according to their needs, that it would benefit those who listen. And then he skips down to another verse later, he says, "Get rid of all bitterness and rage and anger and brawling and slander along with every kind of malice." I want to focus on how he comes out. He says, "Don't let any and wholesome talk come out of your mouth." The image behind this in the ancient language is fascinating, the unwholesome word. It kind of gives you the image of rotting fruit or like putrid fish. You know that smell? And so Paul says, "You know the kind of words that think the moment they hit the air? Stay away from that." Some of you know that my oldest son, he loves to fish. It's more than a hobby for

him is a passion. He loves it and he's ridiculously good at it. So sometimes Levi will have a good day out fishing and he will bring home some of his fish. And I'm always excited because he cleans the fish. He's the best cook in our house and so we'll cook it up and it's amazing to eat and take part of. But Levi and I have a rule that if you fillet the fish while you're out on your boat, you throw the guts the fish out and the seagulls come and they sweep and take it away. They're happy, we're happy. But if you bring the fish home and you fillet it in my driveway, there are no seagulls to take it away. And so we have this feel that if you fillet my driveway, that's cool, but the guts have to somehow disappear. They have to make their way bagged up somewhere, somewhere, some dumpster far, far away. They can't be here. And so Levi is on the same page about, well in the summer is one of those really hot days when it was like, you know, 120 degrees, you know, heat index type thing. And we keep our garbage cans inside the garage and there was one morning I was coming to work and I stepped out of the house into the garage and the stitch almost knocked me completely off my feet. And I thought, Levi! So I fizzed that I went and talked to him like, buddy, we had a deal. Fish guts cannot stay here. And he said, well dad, I triple bagged it. Come to find out, three jewel bags is not enough defense against the putrid smell of this fish. I mean, it was horrendous, flies everywhere, larvae, I mean, it was, it was, he was awful. It was awful. And that's the image that Paul says, like, don't let that ever be the kind of words that come out of our mouths, especially in a tense moment, especially when emotions are high. It's very easy to be flippant with our words. It's what Paul's getting at is not just what we say matters, but how we say it also matters. Notice he says how we say it has to be the building up of others according to their needs, like what they need. So I would say this, truth asks what needs to be said. Love asks how does it need to be said. And so the thought is simply this, is that even in moments where there's some conflict intention, for those who repair well, they not just think about like, what's the truthful thing that I have to say it, they think through how do I package it in such a way that is actually according to the needs of the other person. I mean,

think about it like those who are master gift wrappers. I've got a few of those in my family. I can't wrap a gift to save my life. It looks like a third so crisp and clean, they put the nice ribbon around it, the perfect bow on it, it's a sight to behold how they package the gift. It's almost like Paul saying, "I want you to pay that much attention to how you deliver the words that you deliver. It has to be truthful what you say matters. But how you say it, like how you package it, also matters, and I would argue maybe even matters more." There's a difference between describing behavior and attacking identity. So let me give you kind of two different ways that we can't speak words to somebody. In other words, if I'm in a repair type of situation, it's one thing to say when you interrupted me, I felt dismissed, it's another thing to say, "You are so disrespectful." Feel the difference? It's all in its packaging. It's one thing to say, "I felt rejected when you didn't call me." It's another thing to say, "You don't even care about me." Feel the difference? It's one thing to say, "That decision hurt me." It's another thing to say, "You always ruin everything." So the question is, "Am I trying to win or am I trying to repair?" I had a wise friend tell me one time about marriage that he said, "Guys, you will either be right or you will be happy, but you will never be both." And if you try to win the argument, you can win the argument and still lose relationally. And so it's not just what we say, it's how we say it that also matters. Paul concludes with this thought. He says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another." He says, "Forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." In other words, that becomes the foundation. If we're going to be the kind of people who have healthy relationships long term, it gets

anchored in this kind of thought that we're kind and compassionate to one another, that we choose to forgive each other, we choose to repair, we choose to deal with the things because if we repair well, it increases the quality of our relationships and it increases the quality of our lives. But here's what I love about what Paul does. He connects to what we do to what God has already done for us. And here's the beautiful thing, it's not like Paul saying, "Just get it together." Would you just figure it out? He's saying, "No, I want you to be reminded of a God whom you were once distant from. I want you to be reminded of a God that once you had a conflict that you couldn't overcome the obstacle relationally that took place. And what did God do? God went first. God took a step in your direction. God dealt with the truth. God had a very long fuse. He spoke life-giving words. He sent his son to the world. He went to a cross. He paid the penalty so that you and I could be free. That you and I experienced relational repair with God because of what God has been willing to do on our behalf. And so Paul's not saying, "Just muster it up and figure it out." He's saying, "No, recognize what God has done for you is what you can extend to others." And it's a beautiful opportunity for us to live out the gospel of what God has done in our life. And so I would encourage you, take a step this week. For some of you, there's something that you've been avoiding. Don't avoid anymore. Take a step.

For some of you, you need to think through like, "How do I package whatever I need to say in a way that would actually build somebody else up?" It's actually according to their needs. It might benefit somebody who's listening. For some of us, we need to extend forgiveness or ask to be forgiven. You don't have to fix it all in one conversation, but you have to take the step. My encouragement is to think about one relationship and think about one step and take it this week. Before you do, would you go to God and ask that God even begins to work on your behalf, they would soften the other person's heart, that they would give you wisdom. They would help you package it, that God would do for you what's needed in that situation. I think it's impossible to do this kind of stuff before we receive it from the Almighty God. And so for some of you, you've never said yes to the gift of forgiveness that's offered to you in Jesus, and I'm going to give you that opportunity. If you felt something stern in you and you want to give your life to follow Jesus, I'm going to just say a simple prayer and invite you to say this simple prayer with me. If you just bow your head and let's pray together. God thank you for loving me. I believe you died on the cross for my sin. I believe you rose again. God forgive me for my sin. Give me the gift of eternal life. Give me overcome the challenges I'm up against. God thank you for taking the first step toward me. I surrender my life to you in Christ's name, amen. If you're somebody who made that decision, whether you're at one of our willow locations joining us in line, JCCC in this room, if you made that decision, she's like, I want to be a follower of Jesus. Would you communicate that decision just placing your hand in the air?

It's like God I'm giving my life to follow you. As arms go up around this room and around our campuses, let me just say a prayer for those who made a spiritual decision today. God, as hands are reaching out to you, would they feel that you're reaching right back to them? God, help us be known, help us be loved, help us be embraced by the radical nature of your love. God, give us the ability to do for others what you've already done for us. We pray that in Jesus' name. Amen