Week 2 | "Why Doesn't Love Last"

I'm excited to be with you today. It's great to see you all. I want to give a shout out to all of our other campuses who are watching. Can we welcome every campus into the room today? (audience applauding) Friends God. And I also want to give a shout out to a special group of folks, our friends at JCCC, the Jefferson City Correctional Facility. Like can we just give them a round of applause as well? We're so glad they're here. And to everybody watching online as well, we are so glad that you are here today. We're gonna continue in a series that we've been in for just one week now. And it's all about the idea that relationships are complicated. And if you've ever been in a relationship before, you know that they can be pretty complicated at times. Like they can be real challenges. And so we're gonna continue that journey today. And we're gonna do it mostly by asking and answering a question that probably every one of us has asked at some point. Why doesn't love last? And this is a tough question. Because I think that like when we get into these moments where we are trying to be in a relationship that is loving, the challenge is that oftentimes we are not on the same page

about the idea of what the word love means. Because at the center of that question is the word love. And if we're gonna understand it then man, we at least need to be on the same page when we say love. You know, I can tell you like there's a lot of different ideas when it comes to this idea of love. And if you have ever heard it said, you know that it means sometimes different things to different people. Let me explain what I mean. We have a class here at Willow Creek that we call Discover Willow. And if you've never been to that class, let me just invite you to go to it. It's a phenomenal opportunity for you to connect with leaders from all around the church and at every single one of our campuses over the next two weeks, we're gonna have an opportunity for you participate in Willow, welcome to Willow. It's a great class. You can sign up by going to willowcreek.org/nextsteps. And in the class, we try to answer two primary questions. The first one is this. How do we help you to take the first step of faith or the next step of faith in following Jesus? And we get down into all of those kinds of steps, serving, connecting, worshiping together. Everything that you can do to take a step of faith, right? And then the second question that we always try to answer

is what we mean when we say church. What does it mean to be a part of this expression of God's church? What are we asking you to do? What do we see in scripture that we try to live out as a church? Because we know that it's important for all of us to be on the same page when it comes to that word church. Amen? But if you're like me, I have had a discover willow class, but I never got to discover love class. I didn't get a definition of what love actually meant. And so I began to piece and parcel it together, mostly by my experiences or by my feelings. I started this journey of trying to define love by what I felt in the moment, and that became what love was actually all about for me. Like do you remember the first time that somebody actually said to you the words I love you? And the feelings it created on the other side. You know, I remember my first time. I was probably about seven or eight years old. And there was a girl in my neighborhood that I was interested in. My mother thought I was being fast, but I was interested. And so I put together a note to share with her, and it said on the page like, do you love me yes or no? And I sent it through my cousin, 'cause I was too scared to go down there and ask him myself. And he went down the street and shared a note,

and he shared it with her, and she checked yes. And she sent it back through my cousin, 'cause she was too scared to come talk to me. And now you couldn't tell us that we weren't gonna be in a relationship for the rest of our lives. You couldn't tell us we weren't gonna be on some magazine together as being connected in love for the rest of our days. The truth is church, I don't even remember that girl's last name. I don't remember the house she lives in. I don't remember her mama name. None of it, but I do remember the feeling. I remember the idea of love for the first time. I remember it made me feel this warmth, this idea of affection, a little bit of butterflies, maybe even a little excitement. And so I began to define love by those feelings. And here's the problem. This has always been the issue when we start defining love by our feelings, what actually happens when the feelings change? you know that the feelings that you first feel will probably change. The butterflies will fly away, the excitement will subside, the affection will become challenging, and all of a sudden you find yourself at that same place, again, asking the question, why doesn't love last?

And eventually this happens in every single relationship. And I think at the core of trying to answer this question, there is a problem. And I don't think the problem is that love doesn't last. So I want to core with the question just a bit. I think the actual problem is that we have misunderstood and at often times misdefined what love is actually all about. We've made love about feelings instead of faith, about what we receive rather than what we give. And we've tried to love in our own strength instead of being transformed by the one who actually shows us how to love and allowing him to do that. And instead of allowing God to teach us how to love, we've redefined love and in the process, maybe we've lost what love is actually all about. I think we've misdefined it, but there's good news. We didn't actually have to create a definition of love on our own because God has already given us one. You know, Jesus all throughout scripture said an example of what love looks like in action. And if we actually want to define love, it's interesting. All you got to do is go to the scriptures because the Bible actually doesn't describe love as a feeling primarily. Scripture actually weighs and shows love as this way of living life. It's the day to day decision where we choose to be loving. And if we want to discover a love that lasts,

it will always start with God and his word. You know, let me just read something to you, a passage from God's word. And you have probably seen this passage before somewhere. So it'll probably feel pretty familiar. It starts in 1 Corinthians chapter 13, verse four through seven, let me just read it out for you. It says these words, love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered and it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but it rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always perseveres. Now you have probably more than likely heard this passage and it's probably been at a wedding, as a keynote scripture somewhere or you've seen it in Hobby Lobby on a pillow or on my mom's favorite social media site, Facebook. You've seen it somewhere and I'm not sure if we always understand when we hear that, whether there's a context to it or not, but there is a deep context to it because this is not primarily a scripture that Paul is writing because he wants the romantic feelings to be a part of love. He's actually writing to a church and he's solving a problem that is much different than that. Paul is correcting their definition of love and he's reminding them of what it means to follow Jesus

because the church that Paul is talking to, they have lost their way. They have forgotten how to love. And Paul knows that if they are gonna be the church that God called the church to be, then they gotta get back to some kind of a semblance of love and the only way that they can do that he knows is if they look to God to understand what love is all about. And let me just make a declaration right from the beginning of our time that love doesn't exist apart from God because God is the source of love. Now right there, you should have put an amen, right there. That was where they go. And if we wanna know what real love actually looks like, we don't start with the culture, we don't start with our feelings, we don't create our own definition, we start with God. Because he's the one who actually shows us how to love. Let me show you what I mean. In John chapter four verse eight, the Bible tells us very clearly that God is love. It's actually fundamental because God is love. And if God is love, then God becomes the foundation of how we understand love. And that's not an occasional activity of God. It's his very nature. It's who he is at his core. It's his character. And that means that we don't get to define love

by whatever we want. Certainly not by our feelings. If we want to understand what love is actually all about, we need but do one thing. We look at God because he shows us what love is actually all about. He shows us both in his deeds and in his word. When Paul is unpacking love, the love that he's unpacking isn't about feelings. It's the love of God. So when you get to verse four, and this is where we're going to hang out for most of our time today, right in this passage, we're going to answer the question, why doesn't love last? And I think there's a problem with the question. But as we get to verse four, Paul begins to unpack what a real love is supposed to actually look like when we live it and we practice it. And it's the love that lasts. In the beginning of verse four, Paul says these words. He says, love is patient and love is kind. Can I just say like, if you are in any kind of relationship, you need to hear this, your patience and your kindness will be tested, especially if you have teenagers. Oh, they will test your patience. They will test your kindness. Now you said amen there, but you didn't say amen before. What's happening here, y'all? Come on. You know, I remember when this became real for me.

We lived overseas for a number of years. I don't know how much you know about my story, but let me share just a little bit of it with you. I am a retired United States Marine. I had the privilege of serving my country, praise God. Yeah. And we lived overseas for a long time. We did two years is when I was in the Marine Corps, I retired there, and then we stayed as missionaries, so military to missionary, and then I became a minister, a family ministry pastor at a church. And so my family got to live in Japan for eight years, eight full years. My kids grew up there all the way through their middle school and high school years. It was such a blessing. But there was one small thing that nobody told us about. You see, you can't actually drive a car in Japan until you're 18 years old, which meant that mom and dad were permanent chauffeurs for our children. And it was all cool. As long as they were going to something that they wanted to do, they would be ready to go. But when it was something that I needed them to do, or my wife needed them to do, they weren't as ready. And so in the Calvin House, it kind of went like this. Dad would call upstairs and say, hey, it's time to go. Are y'all ready? And this is about the 30-minute mark. So I'm giving them plenty of time.

And they would yell down and say, I'm almost ready. The truth is, they hadn't done anything. They weren't almost ready. So then at about the 15-minute mark, I would call back up the stairs and say, all right, we got to go. It's time, and we're going to be late. If you guys don't come on, and then the crisis would begin, they would call downstairs and say, dad, I don't have anything to wear. Translation, you got 47 shirts, go pick one. And then about five minutes after that, I call back up the stairs. Y'all, it's time to go. And this is when my children will begin to get philosophical on me. Because they would come downstairs and say, dad, is it really important that we go to this event? Is there a command or executive decision that we're going to have to make in the room? Can we question the idea of actually going on this trip? And I would say, no, we can't. Go back upstairs. It's time to go. And they would go back upstairs, and they would finally come back down when it was time to go wearing the same hoodie and crocs that they'd been wearing all week. My patience and my kindness was being tested church. And in those moments, we got to decide what we want to do. Because I could have been right or I could choose to be loving.

And I had to choose to be loving. You see, patience and kindness isn't tested when everybody's doing exactly what you want them to do. It's tested when they're not. And the truth is, love isn't just about what we get. It's oftentimes about what we give. Love isn't what we feel towards someone. It's what we choose to give them, especially when things are difficult. When your patience and kindness is tested, it's an opportunity to be loving. what love is, and at the intersection of love will always be these two ideas of patience and kindness. If you wanna practice love, a good place to start is the idea of patience and kindness. Because it's foundational to love. So Paul doesn't stop there. He tells us what love is, but then he goes a little bit further to tell us what love is not. In the second part of verse four, Paul says these words. He talks about what love is not. He says it does not envy, it does not boast, and it is not proud. Love doesn't compete. It doesn't need to be better than everybody else. Love doesn't celebrate when somebody's failing, it actually celebrates the opposite when someone is doing well. And it certainly doesn't feel threatened when someone is thriving, because it doesn't envy,

it doesn't boast. But then that last part, I wanna zone in on it. It is not proud. And I wanna zone in, because if there is an area that we struggle with when it comes down to loving relationships, I think it's this word. It's pride. Our pride gets in the way of a lot of things. Because pride is almost the opposite behavior of what love actually looks like. You see, when you are in a relationship that is loving, you will always try to consider the other person. You will even consider them at times better than what you consider yourself. You will put them first, but pride is the opposite, because pride makes it all about me when in truth is supposed to be all about God. It takes me and puts it at the center of every conversation. And all of a sudden, I become the hero of every story, or I need to win every disagreement instead of working through it together. Pride prevents me from being vulnerable, so I protect myself instead of actually opening up. Pride turns differences into threats. And if you are a right, then that must mean that I am wrong. And it sets up this adversarial relationship. And pride ultimately asks the wrong questions. It asks things like, how does this affect me? When love asks, how do I serve you? Pride protects my relationship

in the ways that it shouldn't protect it, because it always seeks to protect me first, but love, love protects the whole of the relationship. It looks at every aspect of it. You know, our pride, it can keep us from things like apologizing or forgiving or putting someone else first. And if we want healthy relationships, we gotta deal with the issue of pride. And maybe you've never actually dealt with this before. And you can start dealing with pride even today by just asking a simple question. You can start by asking, how can I grow in God? And how can God change me? And so it sounds like this, not instead of the idea of how can they change, we ask the question, what is God trying to change in me? Because you can spend your whole time in a prideful way, trying to change the other person, instead of allowing God to change you. You know, if we're gonna have the healthy relationships that God wants us to have, Paul knows, pride doesn't look like love. And certainly not a love that lasts. And so he begins to get really practical into some behaviors and attitudes that are shaped by that kind of pride. And he begins to talk about what things should never exist in the way that we do love. And here's what he says in verse five. He goes on to say, love does not dishonor.

It doesn't dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. And it keeps no records of right nor wrongs. Love doesn't celebrate the things that destroy another person. It doesn't dishonor people. It isn't selfish in the way that it approaches the way that we love. But then there's this last part that he talks about. It keeps no records of wrongs. This is a tough one. Clearly, I'm the only one struggling with this, right? It's the... Everything is fine in our relationship as long as we got gas in the tank and money in the bank and everything is going great. But you can let something shake loose in our lives. You let some conflict begin to arise. And when we once were able to just communicate clearly, now all of a sudden the largest Wrigley Field scoreboard comes out. And I remember things that you did from seven years ago and quickly began to interject them to the argument. Anybody ever experienced that? Hey, man, don't look at the person who did it. (audience laughs) Don't do it. We can go to the scoreboard really quickly. And all of a sudden something that was a simple conflict

becomes a history lesson and all the stuff that you did a long time ago. You know, there's an illustration that really shows this in action. I have a drawer at my house and you probably have a similar drawer. We actually have named it our junk drawer. Like our junk has a drawer in our houses. It's crazy. Life in America, right? And so in that junk drawer, there are all kinds of things that I have never actually fully dealt with, right? I've got a screwdriver in the drawer. I've got a packet of ketchup in the drawer. I've got a menu for a Mexican restaurant in the drawer. I've got all kinds of stuff. I've got a flashlight with no batteries and then I got different batteries right next to the flashlight. All of this is in my junk drawer because I wasn't sure what to put it or what to do with it. And so I just put it all in the drawer. And I think that this is what happens in relationships. I think we got a junk drawer of all the things that people have done to us. And we pile them up in the drawer because we've never actually dealt with them. When an argument comes, we go back to that drawer. We pull out the thing that you said six years ago or the thing that you did six months ago

and we try to apply it to what's actually happening today but that stuff was meant to be dealt with a long time ago but we still got this drawer and we keep going back to it and back to it and back to it and all of a sudden we find ourselves in this place where we are doing exactly the opposite of what Paul is encouraging us to do. We've begun to keep a record of wrongs. It's an interesting thing because we're, conflict says, keep a record of right or wrongs. Jesus does the opposite. You know, one of the things I'm always encouraged about when I think about this idea of the junk drawer is that I had a lot of junk in my drawer but Jesus through his grace has taken the drawer, turned it upside down and where that junk was, he has replaced it with grace. (audience applauding) He's covered it with his blood. And if Jesus could do that for you and I, then why is it so hard to do it for others? Because if we want love to last, we don't need to weaponize our people's past. We need to choose grace. We need to choose forgiveness. Can I just say like forgiveness is that place where we let someone out of the prison that we've placed them in? But can I just tell you like a little bit about forgiveness?

Forgiveness is not the same as trust. Forgiveness unlocks the door to trust and then trust begins to be developed by someone choosing to be trustworthy. But it starts with forgiveness. And maybe just maybe the reason why love hasn't lasted is because we don't know how to forgive. And I want to encourage you today. Maybe the day is the day that you make the phone call. Maybe the day is the day that you need to move and forgiveness. As Paul continues on this journey of defining what love is all about, we get to verse six. And Paul begins to show some really positive attributes of what love does. Here's what he says. He says love does not delight in evil, but instead it rejoices in the truth. Love celebrates the truth. And love won't celebrate things that destroy you. Love celebrates the things that make you better. Real love can speak hard truth with compassion. It can confront without condemnation. And it's not loving to tell someone the evil that they're doing if you can't tell them that in love. And when love seeks to help someone change, bolstered by this deep sense of love. And this is where all the attributes begin to show up. It's bolstered by the patience and the kindness that comes with real,

lasting love. It's bolstered by all of the things that Paul was mentioning. And when we get to this place, we have to realize that while love celebrates the truth, it also celebrates how we present the truth. You know, you can't package truth in a package that is full of evil. Truth has to be packaged with a heart, an approach, of love. Where does that love come from? Where does the love that last comes from? Paul begins to lay out this idea as we move through the text. He finishes laying out what he was talking about in the beginning by saying these words. He talks about love and he says that love is always something that protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It always perseveres. Now, I want you to note that word always. He says it always does these things. Not some of the time, but always. Not when it's easy, but always. Not when everything makes sense, but always. Not just when you feel like it. Always. It always does this. Because there will be moments where you don't feel like being patient and kind. There will be moments where you don't feel like being forgiving. There are moments where you don't feel like being loving. And when everything inside of you is saying, I'm done rather than I want to be loving, right? Anybody ever been there? And those are the moments where your love is actually tested where we get a chance to live into what love was always supposed to be.

Because biblical love says I may not feel like loving you right now, but I've decided to love. It's not about my feelings. It's a decision. That's the difference between love as a feeling and love as a way of living. Because anybody can say I love you when everything is new or when everything is fresh. But when things start to be tested, that's when we begin to understand what love is actually all about. Because love becomes visible when it's tested. That's when you actually begin to see what love is actually all about. You know, this week we had an amazing event here in our South Barrington campus where all of our campuses, children, and families came together. It was called One Night. Can we just celebrate that there were over 1,200 people at One Night? Praise God. And that is strengthening the core of families. And that's a big part of what we do here at Willow Creek. It's been a blessing to be a part of a ministry that just values kids in that way. I am a former family ministry pastor when I was in Japan. That was the job that I had. And so I see kids and families and I'm like, come on, go Jesus, do what you're doing. I was excited. And I got a chance to serve as a part of the event. So they put me at this table where there were bridges and kids got to build bridges. And then they got to test the strength of the bridges. And to see the light bulb come on in these kids' faces when they built something that actually lasted. It was beautiful to see. I mean, they would step back and they would smile and they would get so encouraged and so excited.

I was like, go, do it, this is great. So this is what happens in our relationships. You know, when you look at the picture of a bridge, you can see the strength of it. You can see that it'll probably stand up against the wind in the rain. You can see that it'll probably be able to carry the weight of the cars that will cross it. But unless it's tested, you don't know what it can actually do. And our love, just like the bridge, becomes tested when the wind and the rain comes. When the weight is placed on it, that's when we actually experience what love is all about. And the love that lasts is a love that stands and tests the time. See, this was never meant to be about our feelings. It was meant to be about a choice towards faith. You have to choose love. The reason why we choose love is because God has loved us. You may be asking the question, like, how do I actually do this? How do I grow in this idea of love? Well, let me just take you back to one of the statements that we made very, very early on in our conversation, and it's that love doesn't exist apart from God because God is actually the source of love. And the answer isn't to try harder when we come to these places. The answer is to look to the one who has actually shown us how to love. Let me show you what I mean with an illustration. When you look at the attributes that Paul puts in the text, he begins by saying, "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not boast. Love is not proud. Love keeps no records of wrongs. Love always protects.

It always perseveres." And when you put God right next to it, what you find is that God is patient. He's been so patient towards you and I, would you agree? God is kind. He always demonstrates his loving kindness and how he loves us. God does not envy. He doesn't envy. As a matter of fact, he wants us to be the very best version of ourselves. God is not proud. You're right. He's not proud. And he doesn't teach us how to be proud. God keeps no record of right nor wrongs. God always protects. He always perseveres. And if you want to grow in love, it starts with an honest assessment of us looking at how we're being formed in the image of God and whether or not we're living up to that reality. So when you remove the name of God and you begin to put in this name, you ask the question, "If God is patient, is Dwayne patient?" If God is kind, is Dwayne kind, or is Derek kind, or Emily, or Eric, or Tasha, or Terrell? Do they represent that kind of love in the way that they love? Because that's a love that lasts. If you want to measure your capacity to love and where you are in the moment, you can measure your growth in Christ by the way that you actually grow in love. How do we get better at this? How do we become the kind of people who don't focus on the feelings but who focus on God for our capacity to love? How do we become the kind of people that live lives of lasting love, a love that doesn't quit, a love that always keeps showing up, a love that protects and trusts and hopes and

perseveres, maybe the question is different. Instead of us asking the question, "Why does that love last?" Maybe we need to ask a better question. Here's the better question. What kind of love am I building my life on? Because if it's a love that's based on feelings, it will eventually fade. But if it's a love that is based on God, it will endure into eternity. What kind of love are you building? Maybe you've been at Willow Creek for a while, and even when you looked at the list of attributes, you know that you are a Christ follower. Maybe you came from another church and you're a Christ follower, but we're glad that you're here. But maybe as you looked at that list of love, you find yourself in the same place that the Corinthian church found themselves in, and Paul had to remind him of what it meant to love. That's the only reason I'm here today, church, is to look at the Word of God and to remind us what it means to be a loving church in not just our romantic relationships, but every single relationship that we're a part of. Maybe as you looked at that list, you saw some gaps. You saw some areas where you were once deep in the kind of love that God gives us and shows us, but maybe the day you have strayed off course. But can I give you some encouragement, there is hope for your heart and love today. You don't have to stay there. You can grow in the love of Christ, and it begins by looking to God, by sharing with and applying it to how we actually live our lives. And our love will grow. Maybe some of us just need to get back on course. And let me just tell you what that might look like. You might need to make a phone call. You might need to repent, turn away

from whatever it is that is pulling you away from this kind of love with God and others towards God. You might need to make some decisions. Maybe you need to go back and apologize and maybe that's not even in your workplace or outside your home. Maybe that's right in your own house because I've found over my lifetime of ministry that some of the places we can be the most unloving are actually in our own homes. Maybe it's just me. (gentle music) So maybe we need to go back. We need to rediscover what it means, love. Love like God because that's a love that lasts. Or maybe you're here today and you are new to church and you are trying to discover what this is all about. Maybe you have never experienced love like the love that I just talked about. You've never experienced the love of God. Well, can I just say that we are glad that you're here. Willow Creek, can you let them know that we're glad that they're here. Praise God, I'm so glad you're here. You know, I love the love that God gives. And one of the most amazing acts of love that he could ever give us was God sending Jesus to die on the cross on our behalf. It was a rescue mission for you and I. And all throughout the moments on the cross,

Jesus was loving, right? I remember him even heaping love on the people who were persecuting him and him saying in that moment, "Father forgive them, they know not what they do." That was a loving response. I told you about the jump drawer earlier. All of the things that we have done to separate ourselves from God, but he chooses to take that drawer, to empty it out and to cover it with his grace. That's love. If you've never experienced that kind of love, maybe the reason why love hasn't lasted in your relationships is because you've never connected yourself to the source of love. And you can do that today. You can accept his free gift of grace that is salvation. You can say yes to Jesus and you can begin a journey of taking steps of faith towards being the kind of loving person that God always wanted us to be. So in just a moment, we're gonna pray to get. And I want us to prepare our hearts and minds for this moment because this is the moment where we can say yes to the love of God. And in saying yes to the love of God, his love will begin to permeate every other relationship that we're in. Maybe today is that day for you. So let's take a moment and let's pray together.

Father, we thank you for your grace. We thank you for your mercy. We thank you for your love. Father, as we spend this time together today, we know that there are some who are in this room who just need to grow in the way that they love you and love others. And these are folks who have connected themselves to you by faith. But maybe they just need to revisit what it means to be a loving person in the midst of a relationship. Father, by your spirit, would you strengthen them? Would you help them to grow in that kind of love? Would you help them to make the necessary decisions to be faithful followers of you when it comes to love? And we'll continue to pray and walk on this journey with them. And then Father, we know that there is some who are in this room right now who don't know you at all. And so we take this moment to pray with them to you that they might receive your free gift of salvation. If you are someone who is in here right now and you would like to do that, you can simply pray this prayer with me. Father God, I know that I have separated myself from you. [MUSIC PLAYING] that you would have me to be. But in this moment, I wanna place my faith, my trust, and my hope in you.

Would you be my Lord and Savior? Would you fill me with your spirit? Would you teach me how to love? Would you show me what your love is all about? Father, I thank you for saving me. In Jesus' name, amen. Come on y'all, let's give God some praise. (clapping)