The Most Misunderstood Love Language | Love Languages: Physical Touch | Pastor Ted Cunningham

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Good morning, church. Welcome to everyone here across all the campuses. Glad you're here. I hope you have been enjoying the Love Languages series and learning a lot. Josiah and John did a phenomenal job with the first two Love Languages, and when they asked me, I think it was last year, they said, which one do you want? I said, give me physical touch, and here's why. It is my foreign love language. It's my foreign love language, and in this series, we're learning not just to know how to receive love, but we want to give it as well, and so let me start with my foreign love language, and by the way, it's my wife's foreign love language as well. My love language is words of affirmation. My wife has two primary love languages. She has acts of service and quality time, which means I serve her for long periods of time.

That's what these two coming together mean. My children, they have the primary. They both have a primary love language of receiving gifts, and the dialects have been so important. Last year, in the summer, Dr. Chapman invited me to be a part of the Five Love Languages teaching team. He's almost 90 years old, and he's trying to steward the message that God gave him 35 years ago. Well, it's been, Five Love Languages has been published in 60 different languages, and it's published and been sold over 20 million copies, and I dove into it, studying the love languages, knowing there were always five, but it was last summer that I learned of the 22 dialects underneath it, and my daughter, her love language is receiving gifts with a dialect of heartfelt, sentimental, and simple, and I wish I would have known this and more when she was young, because I didn't know how important it was when I would return home from a trip and give her a magnet from the state I was just in, how much she held onto that. How many of you would say you're sentimental and simple in receiving gifts? Those are our hoarders. Look around at them right now. They're raising their hand. All right, they don't let anything go, but my son is functional under receiving gifts and extravagant, and right now, he's into watches, and I have told him to think Timex, not Rolex.

That's where he's at in his young life. Those are our primary love languages, but physical touch, this is my foreign love language, and let me just see. How many of you right now, if I said, everybody stand up and hug somebody you don't know, how many would love that? Raise your hand. Let me just see. Look around. Avoid these people at all costs is what I say. How many of you would hate that? How many of you would rather be punched in the face? Would you just raise your hand? Okay, that's been true. It's about a third, a third, and a third. So this is what we're gonna do today. We're gonna embrace the awkward, and I am so glad I get to be here at the end of July because I don't think I was in a good emotional place in June. I gotta tell you, it's been an emotional summer for me. This is my family. My son graduated from Liberty University in May. My daughter and her husband graduated from Missouri State, and two weeks after my son graduated, he got married. And a few months before his wedding, I bought a Bible with journals in the columns, and I wanted to sit down and spend a little time every day sharing with him everything I've learned,

everything I've taught, everything I've ever studied on marriage and family. And I just wrote that, and I gifted it to him in a Bible. And I had this blessing prepared for his rehearsal dinner, and I gotta tell you, I just wasn't prepared for the emotions that were gonna hit me. And my wife is not a communicator. If you were to ask her to stand on a stage or ask her to speak in any way, she would stop talking to you. She would never speak to you again. But she stood next to me at the rehearsal, and I started to speak this blessing over my son, and I lost all emotion. I couldn't control myself. I had my napkin up and my hand and napkin in my face, and I'm not exaggerating when I say I was sobbing. And my precious wife took over. She took over, and... and finished the blessing and prayed. And she is now the senior pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church. And so I've been learning about the love languages and I've had my church even last year, I asked him to take the love languages assessment and the one that dials in the dialects. And we had over 1000 people take this and I asked him to bring, I have a stack on my desk. I remember our student pastor brought me his and he goes, I don't even wanna give this to you. Because his primary love language is physical touch.

And I was like, come here, buddy, it's okay, right? And I gave him a warm embrace, but it started to make sense for me. I always knew Amy's love language was acts of service, but I never knew her dialect. When I get home and I see these boxes on our front porch, I used to think receiving gifts is her love language. That has to be part of it, right? Because, but it isn't because we sit on the couch at night and Amy's on her phone and she'll look over at me and she'll say, thank you. And I'll go, for what? She goes, you just got me something real nice. In our marriage, we cut out the middleman, that's what we do. We cut out the middleman and so I used to think, man, this must be her love language. She wants something every day, but it wasn't until last summer when I learned, I know her love language is acts of service, but her dialect is not convey care, is not alleviate stress, it's saving time. Anything she can do, anything I can do, anything her family and friends can do to save her time, that fills her up. And so, we've been working through this and people would ask, okay, so was I born with this? Is this something I developed over time? Is this part of my family of origin and the nurture side? Well, here's how we put it.

Like your personality, your primary love language tends to stick with you for life. But there are circumstances and seasons of life that can draw out secondary or foreign love languages. So there may be a mom in here that your primary love language is physical touch, but you have a three, a five, and a seven-year-old. And half the time, you're saying, get off of me. You're just in a different season or stage of life. A lot of times, people will say to me, my love language is leave me alone. Like, well, that's not a love language. Anytime somebody tells me that, I almost guarantee you their love language is acts of service. And anything a family member or a friend can do to give them time by themselves is what fills them up. So yes, you may have a primary love language, but boy, there are seasons and stages of life that we go through that draw out the secondary or foreign love language. If you grew up in a loving home with all five love languages and love was just poured out on you, you receive all of these as expressions of love. And so you just, you take them all. And so when you take an assessment, or we're talking about this over five weeks, and you're like, I don't know, I want them all. That's okay, because the goal here

isn't just to dial in what your love language is. The goal is for us to become fluent in all five, to better love one another. Now, the same is true if you grew up in an unloving home. Now, I've not found a better way to say this, so please take this from the heart of a pastor who loves you. If you grew up in an unloving home absent of the love languages, meaning there was no expression of love in any way, shape, or form in your home, you will take what you can get. You crave it, and you will lean in for it. So we've been in John 13, 34, and 35, and it's a real simple outline. Jesus commands it, he modeled it, and this is what points other people to Jesus. And a lot of times, when we start with a new command I give you, love one another, we're focused on the love part, and we forget about this part right here, the one another. Because thriving relationships exist because people are giving and receiving. Now, if you've ever been to a lunch that just drained the life out of you, and you get back, and you're like, why am I so tired? It's probably because you were giving and receiving nothing. The other person didn't bring anything to the conversation or the table. On Monday, I got a call, a buddy of mine, wanted to go golfing with me.

I've known this guy for 25 years, he lives in Texas now, we don't get together that often, we don't see each other that often, and he called and said, you wanna golf? And I had some things I needed to do, but as soon as my wife heard who it was, she said, you drop everything, and you go spend five hours on a golf cart with that guy. I said, yes, ma'am. And so I went golfing, and it is, he is the most life-giving friend I have. And I got back home, and Amy goes, is that refreshing? And I go, I can't even tell you. And we started to figure out, why am I so refreshed? And I love the term life-giving. Why am I so refreshed every time I'm around him? He's life-giving because, number one, he asks a lot of questions. He's wanting to get to know you and instead of hijacking your question or your story with one of his own, the second thing he does is he asks follow-up questions. He wants to get to know you. And he doesn't want anything from me, he just wants to pour into me. And I hear this all the time with people in church, especially, they're like, I'm probably gonna go to another church or this church really isn't doing it for me anymore. I'm here to tell you that if all you ever do is attend a church to receive, you will never understand

what it means to be life-giving. Like until you join a church, become part of a church where you are giving and receiving, this is true of the church, this is true of marriage, this is true of any life-giving relationship. It's the one another. We train our small group leaders with this. Because I said, you gotta be real careful because you can have one person that gets into the group and they hijack the group. And everything is about them and their needs and pretty soon people start drifting away and you're down to just you and that person. What does it mean to love one another? The Bible's clear, we're to bear with one another. We're to pray for one another. We're to confess sins to one another. Forgiving one another. This is what Jesus commands. And by the way, it says, as I have loved you, so you must love one another. Jesus showed us how to love each other. He showed us how to care for one another. And when you and I are doing this well, guess what? It's evident at this church right now. How many people I saw in our first service, how many people are here right now. When you truly love one another, what does it say? People will know that you are my disciples. But here's a caution, I have to give you this caution.

Because when we talk about giving and receiving in relationships, the worst relationship on planet Earth, the worst marriage on planet Earth, is a husband and wife connected to each other as the source of life. Or two people connected to each other as the source of life. The best relationship on the planet's a husband and wife, or two individuals firing each other as the source of life, plugging into the true and only source of life, and spending their days giving each other the overflow. That's a great relationship. And that's why we get this caution. And I know Dr. Chapman talks about the love tank in five love languages, and that when you're in a relationship where someone is loving you according to your love language and your dialect, it fills your love tank. You have to be careful, even with that language, you don't mistake that for that person becoming your source. People, places, things, not your source of life. Jesus is your source of life. And the Bible says it clear in 1 John 4, 16. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. He is the source, period, in all of this. And he gives you everything you need to pour into others. He gives you everything you need to love others. He gives you everything you need, we read in Ephesians 4, right, to forgive others.

He is the source, God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in them. So a little bit more about the love language. If you don't like what you're getting out of a relationship right now, maybe this church, maybe work, a marriage with a parent or with a child, I'm gonna encourage you to take the first step and change what you put into it. Change your serve and how you show up, not the other person. So here's a question that you can ask, and I hope you ask it of one another when you leave here today. What are some new ways I can show up for you? I see young people in here with parents. I think it'd be fantastic if you walked into the kitchen this afternoon and said, Mom, what are some new ways I can show up around here for you? And then as you pick your mother up off the floor and stand her back up. Ask your spouse, what's some new ways I can show up for you because that's what you're learning in this five-week series. These 22 dialects, they're gonna be things for you to grab hold of. I've memorized them. I've taken them into my life because when I learn about someone, I wanna pour in, and these are all new expressions for me,

and I know for you as well, of loving one another, loving people better. So what are some new ways that I can show up? It's not about trying harder. It's about how love lands. I work with couples. I do a lot of counseling and coaching, and they'll sit there, and things are not working in the marriage, and he'll be like, I do so much. I try so hard. I've done this, this, this, this, and this, and she responds with, yeah, but you know what I don't get? And he's like, oh, I just need credit. I need credit for this. I can't believe. Let me give you an example. A guy says goodbye to his wife in the morning, kisses her goodbye, knows that she has a day full of meetings. She's not just gonna be in meetings. She's leading the meetings. She's leading the meetings. She's gonna be talking all day, so he gets home before her, and he knows acts of service is her love language. So he prepares a beautiful gourmet meal. He puts a white tablecloth on the dining room table. He lights candles. She walks in the door with her bag and looks at the table, and he's basically like, voila. And she stands at the door like this.

Because you know what she doesn't want in that moment? Is to sit down and have lengthy conversation over dinner. She's looking at those candles going, you should have put those around the tub. Because he was conveying care, which is a dialect of acts of service. But she was looking to alleviate stress. And so yeah, the effort's put in, but boy, when we understand the love languages and the dialects, it's truly how love lands that matters and really begins to change relationships. So our deepest emotional need is to feel loved. What does it mean to feel loved? You feel seen. You feel heard. You feel cared for. Not only does this person think of me, this person knows me. But why we're learning this and why this is so challenging and in a room this big and the relationships represented in this room, we all feel loved in different ways. The five love languages as our example. So my primary love language, words of affirmation for Amy, acts of service and quality time, is how I best receive and feel loved. But I wanna become fluent in all five love languages to better love others. And that's why Dr. Chapman says

his biggest regret with the book is that people read it to learn their own love language rather than become fluent in all five. So we wanna become fluent in all five. Jesus was fluent in all five. And I hope at the end of this series as you read the Gospels you start to point it out and go, oh, look at that, yeah. He's acts of service as we looked at it. Washing the feet of the disciples, that's acts of service. And you can even call it physical touch, right? He's engaged in this. Receiving love through your primary love language is a feeling, feeling seen, heard, cared for, loved. But giving love through your foreign love language is a decision. And we have to embrace the awkward when it's not our love language but we know it's the other person's love language to give this expression of it. I have already at Battle Creek today been hugged way more than I need. Had two women over the age of 70, I have to really make that clear, already kissed me on the cheek. So I have reached my quota. The rest of this morning is for you, people, all right? You go out and do this because loving someone with your foreign love language

is truly the greater expression of love, right? It's easy to love, easy to love people and it's easy to love people with the way we like to be loved. But we're talking about stretching ourselves, taking the awkward moments and embracing them. And that's why when I think about our marriage for Amy and I, foreign love language is so important for both of us but we watch movies where couples cuddle and I'm here to tell you, we ain't cuddlers. We don't cuddle. But every now and then I'm like, we should probably do this. It's what loving couples do. She'd get after it and she's like, get over here, buddy, let's give it a shot. And I'll get on the couch and we'll try to snuggle but both of us after like 30 seconds are like, get off of me, I'm hot. This is not comfortable at all. My arm's asleep, right? So some of this is only in the movies. You know that, right? You understand that it's only in the movies and on TV. And so I love the Song of Solomon because Song of Songs gives us so many expressions of physical touch. But this is one of my favorite from chapter two. It's the duet between Solomon and the Shulamite woman.

Solomon and the Shulamite woman, they're dating or courting in chapters one and two. They get married in chapter three. They go on the honeymoon in chapter four. There's a lot of physical touch in this book but I love this description right here. His left arm is under my head and his right arm embraces me. I love to go into the kitchen when Amy least expects it. I just take my hand and pop it right up there behind her head. I bring her down to here. I wrap my right arm around her and that's exactly what the Bible teaches us right there. That's the word picture. That's the physical touch that we're looking for. Let's really dive into it. This is the definition of physical touch. Receiving love through meaningful touch when words fail. And the reason the dialects are so important, if you're unfamiliar with dialects, I was with the church yesterday from Louisiana. They got a dialect. I go to a church in Minnesota, very different dialect. I was in England a couple years ago with my family and I walked up to a cashier and I asked, hey, where's your nearest restroom? And she asked me, what do you prefer? I said, male. I would like a male restroom.

And we both stood there in awkward silence. Things were getting lost in translation. If you're getting lost in translation in your most important relationships right now, I can almost guarantee you it's because of the dialects. What she thought I asked was, where's your nearest restaurant? Okay, but, or, she heard restroom, but I asked restaurant. So we were, I don't know if you know this about England, we were both speaking English. But I needed a restroom, she heard restaurant. And so you may be real dialed in and real close, but for me, for Amy, with acts of service, like if I bring Amy breakfast in bed, she would hate that, even though that's an act of service, conveying care dialect. She needs something to save her time, and guess what? Breakfast in bed is taking her time. She's got stuff to do. When words fail, I always love to start the dialects with the one dialect that we, all Christians need to learn better, and I think about a funeral for this first one. The first dialect of comforting, reassurance, and presence. If you've ever been to a funeral and you just didn't know what to say, physical touch and this dialect are perfect. You don't need to say anything. Just go stand next to the person. Put your arm around the person.

Give a hug to the person who is grieving. That is the dialect of comforting. Affectionate dialect, this is warmth and fondness. Gary Smalley, my mentor, taught that this is one of the best ways to determine whether someone has truly forgiven you or not. Three of the hardest things you'll ever say in life, I'm sorry, I was wrong, and Worcestershire sauce. Those three things are very challenging to say. But in this whole idea of one another, forgiving one another is part of it. We need to get good at saying I'm sorry, but we tend to drop it right there and we don't draw the net. How do you draw the net on an apology? After you say I'm sorry, ask the other person, will you forgive me? Always ask for forgiveness, never demand it. Physical touch, affectionate touch, is one of the fastest ways to know if someone truly has forgiven you. You've probably walked into the kitchen, it may be with a child or with a spouse, that you put a hand on the shoulder, and if you get kind of one of these, you know they're not there yet. And they need more time. Playful touch. There are some of you in here, I'm not gonna ask you to raise your hand,

but you like to be tickled, okay? I've told Amy, when you tickle me, that's hate, not love. She's being mean. But some of you right now, you're like, I want a pillow fight, right? I want that playful touch and the tapping each other as we walk through the kitchen. There's romantic touch, and this dialect is what most people think of when they think physical touch. But physical touch is far more than sex, and you know that. But this can be non-sexual touching, sexual touching, desire and intimacy. I wanna be with you, and when we are open to one another, it's when I feel the closest to you. There's protective touch. This is care and sacrifice. This is walking on the street side of the sidewalk while you keep your family over there. It's taking your child by the hand and guiding them through a crowd. Last year, I was in the lobby talking to a lady from our church, and we were having a conversation, and I noticed a spider crawling through her hair. Okay, what would you do? I need to do a TV, what would you do? I started to think, I've been studying all this. It was right in the middle of all this,

and I'm like, I gotta do something. I'm not gonna tell her, don't be alarmed, but there's a spider in your hair. I said, I'm gonna take care of business. Protective touch right here. So I'm just gonna swat it away enough to get it to the ground, and then I'll stomp it. That was what was going on in my head. And I'm right-handed, so this is what made it awkward. So this is all anybody sees in the lobby. Me going, whap, whap, and it hits, and she goes back a couple feet, holding her head. She goes, what are you doing? I said, there was a spider in your hair. And she goes, Ted, that is the clip that holds on my hair extension. So I didn't touch people for a while after that. If you got a spider crawling through your hair, deal with it, all right? How many of you would have swatted the spider? Can I see your hands? Okay, thank you. All right, that's protective touch. Expressive touch. I'm so glad I learned this about our student pastor, because that's his dialect right there. A high five after an event that he puts on screams love to him. Walking into a staff meeting and seeing him sitting there and just taking my fist and kind of tapping him

on the shoulder as I walked by says I'm seen. He knows I'm here. It says care, and then there's restorative touch. How many of you like massages? Oh, I hate them, absolutely hate them. A foot massage, I'd rather be stabbed in the neck with a fork. Don't do it. I've only had one massage in my life. It was in California, which was probably part of the problem. But we were at a church and they. gave us a couple's massage at this resort we were at. And I immediately told Amy, and I've done this a lot over 30 years, I go, oh, call down to the spa and have this traded in for two treatments for yourself. And she goes, no, you need to do this for me. And I'm like, I don't. Listen, I had no knots going into that massage. I've never been more tense in my life than what I felt leaving that massage. I remember when the massage was over, we had two beds next to each other, we were getting worked on by two people. And I was just kind of sitting there in my robe in the fetal position, feeling all sorts of violated. Amy comes over and puts her arm around me, and I'm like, give me a second. I don't want it, I don't want it. But this right here has been one of the best tools

that your church created this, and I've sent it on to the Five Love Languages team. I can't wait to see all five love languages built out on this. Because when you and I are walking in the spirit, these expressions of love, given and received, means something completely different than when we are acting with selfish ambition, vain conceit when we're walking in the flesh. And so how does it pertain to physical touch? Well, receiving it in the spirit, you are grateful the other person knows you and makes the effort. You acknowledge that, and I just wanna encourage you, I'm not here to tell you to get points for trying, but get good at receiving something when you know the other person is stretching. When you know the other person feels awkward, but they're trying, they're making the effort to make sure love lands well. But in the flesh, we'll reject it when it feels unnatural coming from the other person. We have to get good at receiving it. When we give it, so this is me, I overcome awkward moments to care for the other person. I can't tell you, and I've been with grieving people who head and shoulder for minutes sobbing. And some of you, like you could stay there for a long time. For me, this is a decision right now. This is also, but you have to overcome that,

realizing it's not about you. And on the same side, coming from the rejection, often we can withhold it or limit it to express hurt and frustration. I'm not receiving this from you until you learn your lesson or until you change your behavior, until you say I'm sorry again. So I go back to all of this. I go back 30 years to my ordination service. I was ordained in South Georgia. And again, when they told me, you're gonna go through the process and we have a service for you before the church. And then the elders and the ordination council is gonna gather around you to lay hands on you. And they all lay hands on you at once. So it's a crowded thing. And you're just sitting there going, whew, okay, here we go, let's do this. And when Paul says to children, and when Paul says to Timothy, do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you, I always come back to this text. And I go back 30 years to my ordination. Because even though it's not my primary love language, those hands on me from brother Bud, from brother Doug, from Austin, from Chris,

I can still, this three decades later, remember every single word they said to me. I can remember every prayer they prayed for me. The power of touch. Yes, it's meaningful touch when words fail. But when you combine this with now, I have words of affirmation and this touch, that was a moment for me. And I don't want us to leave this series unchanged by this, thinking, well, I know who I am more. No, no, I wanna learn about the people in my life, the people in my church, what they need and how they feel loved so I can better love them. Going back to John 13, but Jesus modeled it for us. He showed us how meaningful touch loves and blesses others. Remember when the disciples rebuked the children who were coming to Jesus? And the Bible says that Jesus grew indignant. And the word indignant there means just very angry. And we read in that account that Jesus uses physical touch. He took the children in his arms, placed his hands on their heads, and he blessed them. Blessed them. Maybe you've been in a Christian bookstore where you see a picture of Jesus sitting on a rock with children like this. I think a better version of that would be him sitting there with the children, looking over at the disciples over his shoulder.

Why? Because in that day, childhood was an insignificant season of life, right? Jesus came to break barriers and to break down walls. And he's saying, you guys better pay attention and learn. And by placing his, he was making a big statement when he placed his hands on them and blessed them. You know, we have lunch and dinner and stuff with our kids. I still, when I pray with my kids in their 20s now and married and out of the house, there's just, There's just something about going and putting my hand on their head when I see them and when I pray over them. Or I'll put my hand on their cheek as I hug them goodbye and I say, hey, have a great week. There's just something about those moments. Jesus was others-centered and mission-focused. No one could take Jesus off of his mission. And Jesus went after and spent time with, we haven't gotten to quality time yet and we'll get there and see how he spent his time, but Jesus gave himself to the marginalized, to the outcast, to the people many of us would step away from, Jesus went toward. And physical touch, you read this throughout all the gospels, but here's one example. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean. Jesus reached out his hand and he touched the man.

I am willing, he said, be clean. Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy. We have this conversation about the love languages. We can't move on from the idea. And the question we do get asked often is, what is God's love language? What is God's love language? And I think it's just so simple to sum up in the name of Jesus. Jesus is God's love language. Jesus is how God gives and receives love. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. You know how God receives love? He receives love through his son. And if you're new to the church, or if you're a new believer and you think, well, I have placed faith alone in Christ alone. I've been born again. I'm a new creation in Christ Jesus. And you might still think, because of religion and all of that, that now it's a bunch of rules you have to follow and it's just gonna be a bunch, you know, God's a cosmic killjoy in some areas. No, no, no, no. When you truly follow the Lord, his law, his word, his precepts, they become joy to you. They're delight. When a believer reads the word of God and is convicted,

that wells up in delight for us. Why? Because he loves us. He's forgiven us. He cares for us. Jesus said it this way. Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. So if you're wondering, how do I show Jesus that I love him? You say you're a follower of Jesus. Follow his commands. Do what Jesus said. You may have the bracelet that says, what would Jesus do? But I wanna tell you, get another one that just says, do what Jesus did. Do what Jesus said. Follow him. And guess what? You're expressing love to him. And watch what he continues to say. The one who loves me will be loved by my father. This is how it works. Giving and receiving. Giving and receiving here. Giving and receiving here. And I too will love them and show myself to them. And for some of you, this idea of a life-giving relationship, today's the first time maybe you've ever thought it through this way,

or maybe it's your first time in church in a long time, that I pray that today would be the day you would receive the gift, the free gift of salvation. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus, our Lord, that today you would repent of your sins, confess with your mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that he's been raised from the dead, that you would be saved. Would you pray with me? Father, your word brings joy to us. What Jesus taught and how we lived is how we choose to live. We embrace it as we express our love to you. I pray for the one who's never placed faith in Jesus, that today would be the day of their salvation, that they would confess with their mouth, Jesus is Lord, believe in their heart he's been raised from the dead, that they would be born again, that that would be the day. And today and the moment is now. Thank you for what you're doing through Battle Creek. As we learn to love one another better, as we learn to bear with one another and pray for one another and forgive one another and confess our sins to one another, that this church and this community, as I know it's known this way across the country,

is known as a life-giving church. Let that be true and let that be lived out in each member. And we pray all of this in the authority of the name of Jesus, amen.