Julia's Testimony

A trusted friend and counselor told me recently that trauma is less about the event that happened to us and more to do with the fact that the people who were supposed to show up for us during that event did not. That rings so true through my whole story. Hi, I'm a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I celebrate recovery over a sexual addiction and I still struggle with lust, body image issues, and codependency. And my name is Julia. I grew up in a Christian home in Orlando, Florida with an older brother and sister. I was the baby. There was one thing that I knew growing up. My dad loved me. He was so gentle and kind. He was my safe place in a confusing world. However, I didn't realize it at the time, but he was also emotionally distant. He numbed his emotions as a survival technique due to his own childhood trauma. Unfortunately, this meant as loving as he was, he dealt with my emotions in a very analytical way and taught me to do the same. I didn't see the damage this did until I was much older. One of the earliest memories I have is sitting across from my mom, trying to learn the alphabet. While my mom was unsuccessfully hit her disappointment in me. I wasn't learning quick enough. My mom was a stay at home mom and she did the best she could with the tools that were given to her. But there were many times I felt not good enough for her. These two character defects of my parents left me in a strange place as a kid. I didn't have a truly safe place, which doesn't seem like a big deal, but when something happened to me as a kid, I had no safe person to confide in. A lifelong isolation and shame cycle set in. I can see how a lord designed parents to be a safe place to guard the innocence of children. But when an aspect of my innocence was stolen from me, I had no one to turn to, so I isolated

and hid myself for 16 years. When I was 6 years old, I was introduced to self-gratification from a childhood friend, who, no doubt, was also just as confused as I was about it. Since no one touched me, it took me until about a year ago to realize this is still considered abuse. I was suddenly thrust into this sexual world that I did not understand and was not designed to be introduced to at such a young age. This resulted in a new, confusing sexual addiction to try to battle on my own, alone, at 6 years old. Looking back on this now, I see how devastating this was. This was an addiction that most grown adults can't overcome when I was 6 years old. I did not let my parents into it, because at this point, I had already internalized the fact that they were not safe people for me, so I suffered and struggled alone. About a year later, I was lying in bed listening to worship music, as we often did, and the song, Above All, by Michael W. Smith came on the radio. For some reason, the lyrics of that song painted the perfect imagery to explain to the 7-year-old me the truth of what Jesus had done for me when he died on that cross. I think in that moment, the Lord used my sexual addiction to help me understand the truth that I lacked the ability to do anything good on my own and how much I needed God, a lot like Principle 1, realize I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. But I also took in, in that moment, the truth of what Jesus did for me, the sacrifice he made. The lyrics describe what Jesus did, saying, Crucified, laid behind the stone, he lived to die, rejected and alone, like a rose trampled on the ground, he took the fall and thought of me, above all. Those few words spoke more truth to me than I had ever experienced before, because it was in that moment that the saving grace of God was explained to a 7-year-old. I believe that was the moment that I accepted Christ. I understood my hopeless condition as a human and believed that Jesus took it all upon himself and died so that I could live.

I was able to weep, my sister went to get my parents, and I could hardly explain to them why I was crying. If you ask my family, they all still remember that moment today. Looking back, I believe the Lord used my sexual addiction to help me find him at such a young age and begin my relationship with him, which is incredibly gracious of him. He gave me a part of himself when I had no one. Thinking about that moment now, I can see the Holy Spirit's work in my heart. He developed in me a high level of conviction and discernment that a lot of my friends around me did not have. This coupled with a learning disability and a hidden sexual addiction left me feeling isolated and different from other kids. At church I was taught I was supposed to feel different because I am Christian, and Christian are supposed to live differently than everyone else. So in a lot of ways, I ignored this feeling of isolation, which I think made it worse. I began judging other people for being different because I thought that we were the ones-I began judging other people for being different because I thought that they were the ones who didn't have it figured out. This judgment only grew as I got older, which only served to isolate me from others even more. I had a hard time loving people well because I didn't have any love or compassion towards myself. Even though I had accepted Christ, my sexual addiction was still very much present. For me, battling this addiction in a Christian world looked like never talking about it or bringing anyone into it, swinging from indulgence to shame, still very confused. Growing up, I truly thought that the Christian battle was trying as hard as I could for as long as I could, knowing that I would inevitably fall back into it at some point. I didn't think that true freedom or sobriety was even possible. If I didn't feel alone and isolated enough, the fact that I was a female

struggling with sexual addiction made it even worse. You see, I went to a private Christian high school where we would frequently separate into male and female assemblies where the guys were taught not to watch pornography, and the girls were taught not to be the reason why guys wanted to watch pornography. There was never any explanation to the women about lust, porn, or self gratification. Just shame if we weren't living up to the female Christian standards that were explained for us. Apparently, girls don't struggle with sexual temptation, only guys, so I must be uniquely broken and alone. The disgust that I had for myself was overpowering. I experienced so much pain and shame that I would actually find myself asking God to take these sexual desires away from me. I didn't understand that my sexual desires weren't the enemy. I didn't understand that they were a gift from God. They were supposed to point me towards deep need for emotional intimacy from loved ones. I can now see that the lack of emotional intimacy from my parents exacerbated my sexual addiction. The emotional neglect I experienced from my parents left me feeling like I wasn't good enough, like I had to earn love. The only sense of relief that I found from this was fantasizing about a future person who would one day find me irresistible. I didn't realize it at the time, but a compulsion set in. A counselor told me once that compulsions are just a logical brain trying to do the work of the heart level needs. In my heart, I needed someone to show me unconditional love. But when my logical brain tried to fill that need, it manifested itself an obsession with finding the right person to be obsessed with me. Many, many movies, books and rom-coms fueled this indulgence for me. This was almost the acceptable Christian way of playing into my sexual

addiction. I now know why professional psychologists classify sexual addiction as an intimacy disorder. Entering college, I threw off this acceptable Christian way of doing things as I realized that people found value in me and enjoyed being around me. This was news to me. I clung to that acceptance with everything that I had in me. Again, my logical brain trying to do the work of the heart level need. I began drinking every weekend and smoking marijuana because that's what I thought would earn me love. I continued in this codependent lifestyle until I was date-raped my freshman year of college by a senior. I'd like to say this was rock bottom for me, a turning point, but it wasn't. I stuffed down this trauma and carried on. It took returning home from the summer of my freshman to sophomore year of college for the Lord to gently convince me that His way of doing things was better than the cycle of insanity that I was living in. As I returned to school for my sophomore year of college, I had experienced some relief from my destructive choices, which left me terrified that I would fall back into the same patterns with the same friends that I had before. I knew I needed to take steps to find new friends. That's when I joined college ministry at Fellowship Bible Church in Northwest Arkansas. And my friend Andy asked me to run sound for him at this thing called The Landing that happened on Friday nights. If you don't know, The Landing is Celebrate Recovery student ministry. Little did I know just what I was signing up for. Shortly after I began running sound for The Landing, I wanted to become a landing small group leader. I was shocked to find out how much students are going through and processing at 11 and 12 years old. I'll never forget the time I heard a young girl in seventh

grade say she finally realized that her parents divorce was not her fault. That was so powerful. I felt so privileged to be a part of the healing that the Lord was doing in these students' lives. I quickly remembered how old I was when my sexual addiction started. I was six. That's first grade. I wondered how much pain it would have saved me to have a safe place like the landing to talk about what I was struggling with. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone. Maybe groups of women would have been a safe place of healing rather than a place of shame. It didn't take long after leading student open share small groups for the Lord to press into my heart to join a 12 step recovery group. And that's when my life changed. I was halfway through my first step study still battling self-gratification until February 14 2017. I was sitting across from Andy, my boyfriend at the time who would later become my husband. You remember that ministry leader from the landing who asked me to run sound for him? Yep, that's who I married. He brought me into running sound and then being a landing leader and ultimately marriage. Young men take note. That's how they do it. Andy was battling his own sexual addiction, which I knew. But he told me that day that he had been free from act antelope lust for almost a year. From his perspective, he was ashamed of how little time he felt it was. But I was overwhelmed by a different truth. There was freedom, complete freedom. Finally, the truth came out revealing the lie that I was believing. That was the moment I realized that real freedom was even possible. I realized I didn't have to struggle with it anymore. I didn't have to return to it ever again. And I've been sober for acting out in less now

for almost eight years. As I got married and continue working my recovery, I discovered how much 16 years of training my brain to experience false intimacy would, would affect how I approach sexuality in my marriage. This was the moment that I realized physical intimacy starts with emotional intimacy. And since I did not have someone to model true emotional intimacy, I had no context to understand true physical intimacy. And let me tell you jumping over emotional intimacy to get to physical intimacy does not work. It's not real. It's not how God designed it. It's cheap, and it's fake. There's a quote that says to be loved, but not known is comforting, but superficial. That's what I was experiencing growing up. The quote continues, adding to be known and loved is our greatest fear. And that's what I was operating out of my whole life. But then the quote ends, but to be fully known and truly loved is well, a lot like being loved by God. That's the image of biblical intimacy. That is what the Lord wants for all of us. I didn't realize that I had a fear of intimacy, a fear of being vulnerable and known because I had never equated sexuality with vulnerability and intimate connection. My sexual addiction led me to live in hiding, which is ironic because God's design for sexuality flows from true vulnerability. It took a while to begin healing and retrain my brain to experience intimacy, the way God designed it. Yes, from a spouse, but just intimacy that comes through relationships of any context, friends, siblings, parents and loved ones. And then I experienced a new level of healing of intimacy through relationships when I had my kids. Candy and I have two kids, Harper, who's almost four, and Hudson, who's two and a half. Experiencing the innocence of a child in context to be a parent has shed a whole new light on

how I view my childhood. The Lord has shown me another level of his grace and mercy in this. Before this year, I thought that I had simply stumbled into self gratification. But the Lord taught me that it's not my fault. Someone introduced this to me. I'm not responsible for what happens to me, only my response. I lived 16 years of my life shaming myself for a struggle that I didn't understand. I weighed myself down burdened with my own crushing expectation of myself. I learned to do this from a young age from internalizing the lie that I needed to have my actions be worthy to get love from my parents. No one communicated to me that who I was was already enough. The Lord revealed this truth to me one day after looking into my daughter's eyes and seeing how much she has to offer the world just by existing. She's not producing anything for any human for society. Actually, she's largely just a consumer right now. But how much she has to offer by waking up every day and just being her is infinite. This is when I realized that's me. That's how God looks at me. I have so much to offer just between me. And just because no one told me that growing up and even communicated the opposite doesn't mean that's not true. God has always taught, God has always thought that I'm enough. And he was with me the whole time, ready to take my burdens of my childhood neglect, abuse, low self-esteem off my shoulders. But I kept it on me allowing it to crush me. I could not move forward with that kind of weight on me and neither can you. He's not mad at you. He loves you. He has more grace and compassion for you than you have for yourself. God sees our struggles in the light of our story, the way that no one else does, not even ourselves. The enemy wants to keep us blind to it. Don't shut

the door on the Lord. He's here to help. Matthew 11 28-30 says come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. For I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. The Lord wants to show us how to live a life of freedom by walking with him and learning from him, like an ox being yoked to an older, stronger ox and learning how to do the hard work of plowing a field together. When I realized that God sees me with compassion because he sees me as that little girl crying out for love and affection, it changed my walk with the Lord. He sees me in context to my story, my abuse, my shame, my fear, my trauma. He's not mad at me. He's broken hearted for me. I often forget that Romans 2-4 says that it's God's kindness, which leads to repentance. So now the Lord has ignited in me a passion to show others the same kindness, to lead others to find the same healing and compassion towards themselves that I found from the Lord. He's the hero of my story. He used Celebrate Recovery to unpack and make sense of my trauma. From understanding my story and why I have a proclivity to run to the harmful habits, I'm now able to help others make sense of their story and view of their struggles in context to their trauma. If trauma stems from people who are supposed to be there for you, not showing up for you, and shaming you, give us a chance to be part of the healing, healing those wounds by showing up for you. Let me tell you, let me be the first to tell you your choices, your mistakes, your shame, it all makes sense in context to your story. There is no, there's more hope here in the Lord than you can imagine. There's more healing here than you can imagine. You must first believe that it's possible and

just keep coming back. You're too important not to invest this kind of time and kindness to yourselves. You're worth it. Keep showing up. Thank you for letting me share.