John's Testimony

Hello, Forever Family. Hey, if no one has told you today, I want you to know that I love you. Amen. Amen, there you go. That's what I wanted to hear, hallelujah. Well, I'm a grateful believer in my Lord Jesus Christ, who has overcome drug and alcohol addiction, but currently struggles with codependency. Hi, my name is John. As far back as I can remember, I've always needed people to like me and accept me. I would do anything for others' approval. I did not realize this when I was growing up, but it was revealed to me when I did my first step study in Celebrate Recovery. I had lived my entire life in bondage to what I perceived that people thought of me. If they smiled at me, or shook my hand, or gave me a high five, I was good. But if I thought that there was even an ounce of disapproval, I was a mess. It had gotten so bad that I would even try to get out front before people could even develop an opinion, and I would try to create the reaction that I wanted to receive from them. I was the baby in the family, and had two older brothers. My parents had me while they were in their 40s. They were hoping for a girl, but they got me instead. You never would have known it, though,

because they treated me like their little prince. They gave me everything I wanted, and everything that I asked for. My parents loved putting me on their pedestal. This would eventually become a problem, though, because when I was away from home, I wanted to be treated the same way that I was, the same way that I was treated at home. I wanted everyone to put me on their pedestal like my parents did, but the world was not willing to cooperate. Growing up as a kid in my neighborhood was a little tough. The other kids were all older than me, and I was picked on a lot. One kid who everyone looked up to took me under his wing. He protected me from all of the abuse. He was only a year or so older than me, but he was a lot bigger than me. Because of his size, everyone seemed to listen to what he had to say. We played sports a lot, and because I was his friend, he made sure that I got picked, because he was a good friend to me. One day, my friend and I were walking in our neighborhood when we saw an abandoned house. The door was open in the back, so we went in because we were curious. We looked around for a little while, and my friend had an idea. He asked if he could touch me,

and in turn, he asked if I would touch him. I was only about eight years old, and I really didn't understand what was going on. I didn't want to tell him no, because I was afraid that he wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. I couldn't risk alienating him, so I did it, and I allowed it to happen several times after that. I didn't realize it, but I was being sexually abused. I didn't think that it was a big deal, wrong, or illegal, and I didn't think about the long-term consequences of what was happening. Little did I know that this was the pattern of the codependent behavior that I was now learning to live. My middle school and high school years were difficult. Not only did I have the kids, I needed the kids to like and approve of me, but then I had the teachers, too. I was never comfortable in school. I was always trying to be accepted by whoever I was with. When I was with the smart kids, I tried to be a nerd. When I was with the football players, I tried to be a jock. I was always putting on a different mask, trying to be accepted by whatever group I was with. The only thing that I enjoyed in high school was playing football. I wasn't a superstar or anything. I was okay. What I really enjoyed was being called a football player. Football players stood out in the crowd,

and they drew attention. Everyone looked at them differently. We wore varsity's letterman's jackets with all kinds of patches on them. I would walk down the hall with my jacket on, with my chest pumped out, and I basked in the perceived attention I was receiving. To be honest, I may have made all that up in my mind, but at least it made me feel better at the moment. One day after football practice, I asked a teammate for a ride home. He said that he could, but that he was waiting on some other guys because they were gonna go hang out. When his friends arrived, off we were. On the way, they made a stop at a local convenience store. One of the guys with us looked a lot older than the rest of us, and he went in to buy a beer. They asked me if I wanted a beer, and they started laughing at me. So me, trying to protect myself, immediately said, of course I do. I had drunk before, but it was kind of like wine coolers. I had never drank anything stronger than that. So we got the beer and drove off. And after my first drink, I can remember thinking that that was the most disgusting thing that I'd ever tasted in my life. Everyone kept looking in the backseat and laughing at me. The more I drank the more I got drunk and after several beers that night all I can remember was waking up on someone's floor

Lying on newspaper that had been laid out for me. I had been puking everywhere and they were letting me sleep it off That was the worst thing that it could have possibly happened, right? Well the following day I showed up to school still hungover and I just knew that everyone would be laughing at me But to my amazement all my friends started giving me high-fives All of my friends were talking about how I had partied with the cool guys Mmm, this is weird. They were thinking that I was cool because I hung out with those guys and I got drunk Mmm, this is interesting. I'm getting all kinds of attention because of drinking. It didn't even matter that I puked everywhere But not long after that I found out that my not only did my newfound friends drink but they were also doing drugs and I had come too far now to turn back so I started to experiment with drugs a Couple of years later. My new friends and I were out drinking and we stopped at a Taco Bell to get something to eat There were about six of us riding in two cars and we were Celebrating because my best friend at the time had just come back from boot camp. He was a Marine We went into the restaurant and we started to order when we noticed some guys at another table being really loud and obnoxious My friend felt that he was being Disrespected but I think at the moment he just wanted to show how big and bad he was after all he was now a Marine He went over all by himself and he asked the guys politely if they were lower their voices in my mind I was like, wow, he went over there all by himself Well, they refused and we all ran over to back my friend up We were all football players and we were a lot bigger than them Of course, they backed down and retreated and we told them it was time for them to leave and we escorted them outside We came back inside and we were celebrating our victory when I noticed that they had backed up their truck to the door and they started taunting us I Saw this as an opportunity to get some of the glory that my friend had just gotten I was thinking I'll run outside All by myself I'll confront them and my friends will back me up right just like before Well, I ran outside and one of the guys on the back of the truck he stood up and he began firing a gun I Was shot three times Thankfully, it was a small caliber gun. I didn't even realize that I'd been shot probably because I had been drinking so much Everyone ran and asked me if I was okay And for some reason I told them that they were shooting a BB gun and the bullets were bouncing off of me Well, we went back inside and they were all saying how crazy I was

But being crazy with this group was actually something good. It meant that you were big and you were bad Being shot should have opened my eyes, but it didn't I was happy that I got shot because of all of the attention I was getting Ended up going to college where the party life was now elevated College was a place to meet up so that we could start off our day drinking and drugging While I was there I ended up getting a job working at UPS part-time and this eventually led to a full-time employment as a driver Yes, I drove the brown truck and wore the brown uniform, can you sign here as a phrase I will never forget I Quit college at this point because I now had a great paying job You would have thought that this career type job would have shaken some sense into me, but it didn't UPS had more people that partied than college did Every day a bunch of us drivers would get off work Would meet at the liquor store and we would start to drink get high and complain about our job We did this every day It was here that I was introduced to the drug that would change my life forever cocaine This drug did something that nothing else could it made me stop caring about what others thought about me When I did cocaine there was nothing I cared about except getting the next hit When people looked at me with disapproval, I just shrugged it off and I kept on going I didn't care if anyone liked me I didn't care if they accepted me only had one thing that I cared about and that was the drug. I Always had its approval. It always accepted me and cocaine became my best friend I would get paid on Friday take my entire check to my drug dealer to buy more drugs Well, my paycheck couldn't keep up with the habit I had to start selling drugs to fill in the gap Cocaine took me places and had me doing things that I never imagined I would ever do. I didn't realize it until But I was now a drug addict I was 18 This brought me to my breaking point all of the friends that I wanted to impress and get attention from they couldn't stand me anymore I Had to quit my job I

The only reason I had friends was because I always had drugs When the drugs were gone, or I got out of control, they just left Pretty soon. I found myself always being alone My friends were saying things like man. John's a lost cause man. John's too far gone Just about everyone had given up on me and The funny thing was that they were right My behavior was so bad that they were justified and saying on saying those things The only people that were still there for me at that time were my parents But by this time they were afraid they were terrified of me It was at this point that I admitted that I needed to do something But I couldn't go to rehab. How would that look a a that's for losers and quitters? A Real smart guy here So I decided to make a half-hearted attempt at suicide I Made a deal with myself. I'm gonna buy as much drugs as I can and if they don't kill me, I'll go to rehab I went in a I went on a week-long binge of drugs and perversion and I miraculously survived I was awakened at the end of the week laying on a bed in a seedy motel room I thank God that I didn't die. Why because God had different plans for me Jeremiah 29 11 says for I know the plans that I have for you says the Lord Thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope Well, I made good on my promise and I entered rehab I didn't fully apply myself to what was being taught though and the day that I was released. I was back at it again Entered rehab a few weeks later and I was able to stay clean and sober for 47 days But after I asked someone to be my sponsor and he declined I felt that burn of rejection and I was back at it again There seemed like there was no hope it looked like things would never change I ended up losing my job at UPS and having my truck repossessed, but the shame of these things wouldn't deter me Just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse. I got arrested for a DWI This wasn't my first time going to jail, but it was my first serious charge I ended up getting probation only to have revoked when I got my second DWI and this time I got more probation and a shiny new ankle monitor and

I had all of this revoked when I failed multiple drug tests Now I'm sitting in jail and my lawyer told me that I wouldn't be going home anytime soon And while sitting there waiting on my court date, I started thinking what happened to my life How in the world that things ever get so messed up? I Looked up to the ceiling as if looking up to God and I shook my head There's no way in the world that God would listen to a person like me. You see I never went to church I never read the Bible. I never prayed I was totally against God because he was totally against everything that I was doing I would go I would even go as far as telling people that I was an atheist But what did I have to lose if he didn't answer me? I wouldn't be any any worse off So I prayed as best I knew how I didn't even know if I was doing it, right? But I prayed and I didn't try to make any fancy promises like God if you do this, then I'll do this It was from my heart. I told God that I was in bad shape and that I was messed up and that I needed help Not to get amen Not to get out of jail But with my life, I said God I have an addiction that is tearing me up and there's nothing that I can do about it Please help me then. I told him this I said God My lawyer told me that I can that the judge can give me more probation and I can get out tomorrow Or he can throw the book at me and I could get the maximum sentence I said God if you think that I need the maximum sentence, then that's okay with me But please change me so that when I get out, I never have to come back I don't know if I said amen, and I certainly didn't say in Jesus name And without realizing if the realizing it at the time I was invoking principle one Realizing I am NOT God I admitted my that I was powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life was unmanageable Then suddenly the cell door opened and everyone looked at the door Then an old man with an orange jumpsuit came in, pushing a cart. And this is what he said, "'Bibles, does anybody want a Bible?''

I looked around, shaking my head, this can't be. I just prayed to God for the very first time and suddenly a Bible is offered to me? No, that had to be a coincidence. Somebody must have been listening to me. Then I thought for a second, maybe somebody was listening to me. So I ran and grabbed one and I came back and I jumped in my bunk and I placed it by my side. And then I looked at the closed book for a while and I mustered up enough nerve to open it. And it was like the biggest book that I've ever seen in my life. I turned to the last page and I saw 1,600 pages. I said, there's no way in the world I can read 1,600 pages. Then I looked at the front and it said that it was a prison Bible and it had instructions. It said that if you've never read the Bible before, then you need to start in the book of Matthew and read one or two chapters a day. Just make a commitment that you'll do it no matter what. Well, I immediately turned to see how long the chapters were. And they weren't very long, so I agreed to start reading two chapters. The very next day I went to court and I got another book thrown at me. And I got the maximum sentence allowed. I wasn't deterred though.

I made good on my promise and I kept reading. I eventually, I even started going to church and not long after that, I confessed that I was a sinner and I gave my life to Christ. And I did that all while incarcerated. And this reminds me of the scripture that says, but as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good. Genesis 50, verse 20. Once my sentence was complete and I was released, I went home a changed man. That didn't mean that I didn't have challenges. I had lots of those, but I didn't have to deal with them alone anymore. Now God was with me. I eventually found a church that was comfortable with and accepted people like me and I planted myself there. I read my Bible, prayed and attended church like my life depended on it. Why? Because it did. Now I had to find a new career because most driving jobs, they don't like DWIs on your record. I didn't know what I was going to do. I ended up applying and being accepted to a union electrical apprenticeship program. It was a five-year program where you work during the day and you go to school at night.

With the help of God, I graduated number two in my class. And upon my graduation, I became a licensed journeyman electrician and I started working at NASA at the Johnson Space Center in the facilities maintenance department. Hallelujah. Philippians 4.13 tells me I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. During this time, God introduced me to the most beautiful woman in the world, Shirley Thompson. I hear her. I can't get that voice out of my head. She would eventually become my wife. We were ministry partners at first. We would love going to different venues to preach, teach and hear the word of God. We both had a passion for God. Nothing was off limits. If God was involved, we were there. Then one day God placed it on my heart to hold a meeting in San Antonio, Texas for my entire family. That's where they're all from. Shirley and I rented out a hotel meeting room and we did a church service just for them. I preached on the righteousness of God and at the conclusion, I gave an altar call and everyone in my family stood up and received Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. My entire family gave their hearts to the Lord that day.

It was funny though, because on the outside, it appeared to everyone that I had made it. It looked like I had overcome. It seemed like I was. success story. On the inside though, I was still a mess. I couldn't figure out why I was always afraid. Fear was always with me. I was afraid to talk to people. I was afraid to go places where I knew that there would be new people like all y'all. I heard a minister say one time, if you're afraid, then do it afraid. And I did it, but it sure was tough. I would go to Christian bookstores and buy books, tapes, and CDs on overcoming fear. I read and listened to them all, but I couldn't shake it. Then one day, a pastor at my new church asked if I was willing to help him start a new program at the church called Celebrate Recovery. I had never heard of it before, but he gave me a starter kit and he told me to get back with him. I looked at all of the materials and thought that that was a perfect fit for me. I could help people that struggled just like I had. I told him that he could count me in. Well, we started a Celebrate Recovery there and it flourished. People were coming, sharing, and they were getting helped. Then I was asked to lead a step study group. We started off with a group with about 25 men, which eventually dwindled down to about 10. I love those guys and I look forward to meeting with them every week. It was a safe place where we could share our past experiences, our strengths, and our hopes. It was in this step study group that God revealed to me the root of codependency that was producing the root of fear in my life and that I was a people pleaser. That's not something you want to hear. It was tough, but as I took an honest look at my life, I could see where everything that I ever did had codependency at its root. I was so ashamed and embarrassed at myself. I never allowed anyone to see the real me. I put on a mask so that they could see someone that I hoped that they would approve of. God showed me that this was the root of the fear that I was now experiencing. I was so afraid of being around people because of the fear of them not accepting me or liking me. Well, that revelation blew me away. It just wasn't my past. It was now a current struggle that I was still dealing with. After I completed this step study, I looked at the motivation for everything that I did. I had to come to Jesus meeting with myself and I decided that I was no longer going to live my life like that anymore. If my actions were dependent on people accepting me, I'd check myself before I wreck myself. But I could not have done this without the help of God.

Psalms 46.1 says, God is a refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble. I must admit that this same codependent desire is still with me. It's always lurking. It hasn't gone anywhere. But I apply the tools that I learned in Celebrate Recovery, which are based on the word of God. Principle two, consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control. Happy are the meek, Matthew 5.5. In 2007, my wife and I were asked to start doing Celebrate Recovery inside a local prison. This eventually transitioned to several prisons because the need was so great. Seeing the men and women at these units being changed is my new drug of choice. Several of the team members in our ministry now are former participants from doing CR inside. We got to bring them in as satisfied customers, having been through the program themselves. I eventually was asked to become a CR inside State Rep for Texas, which I served faithfully up until this year. I had to step down from that position because my wife and I were asked to become the new national directors for Celebrate Recovery inside, which we are immensely grateful for. God has been so faithful to me all these years. He has been with me through the peaks and the valleys. He is always doing a new thing in my life. He has blessed me with a beautiful wife, great kids to serve the Lord, and two grandchildren that I adore. I have even moved up to becoming a supervisor over facilities maintenance at the NASA Johnson Space Center. Back when I was in my active addiction, I could never have fathomed being the person and doing the things that I'm doing today. And it's all because of Jesus. Amen. I don't know where God has taken me from this point forward, but I trust in him, and I'm sure that it'll be an exciting journey. Thank you Jesus for saving my life and thank you all for letting me share