Jesus on Relationships [Singleness] Week 3 | Doug Sauder and Dr. Juli Slattery

word, that there's not wisdom for us to live in a new kind of way. And it's so easy to be conformed to the way that the world thinks, but you give us a wisdom that comes from on high because you made us, and you know us, and you love us, and you want like any parent what is best for your kids. And so, Father, speak to us today. Jesus, remind us of your great love for us, Holy Spirit, bring conviction and comfort and peace and direction, because we need you, we need to hear your voice, we need to experience your presence. And so we pray, speak, work, in Jesus' name, amen. So when I say singleness, hey, we're going to talk about singleness, some people get a little nervous. Some people actually get excited, so I'm just going to dive right in. If you're single, raise your hand. Sorry, this is a trick question. No, no, let's think about it and answer the tension, right? So when we talk about singleness, in our world today, there's this huge, huge weight that's placed on relational status. Are you single? Are you married? Are you divorced? I want to level set this for a second, so I'm going to ask this question. Not how many of you are single, but how many of you were one single? You see, all of us have the journey of singleness in common. All of us, we're single. We are single, or for those of you who are widowed or divorced, you know that maybe one day you'll be single, again, and in heaven, Jesus says you're not married or given in marriage, so when it turned thee, well, this marriage thing is a temporary symbol of God's covenant love for us, and maybe you've never thought about that, but singleness is our past and in some ways will be our future. When we think about it that way, then the way we interact with each other will have a

whole different framework. I mean, I want to show you just what's happening in the trance of the United States of America. The number of percentage of adults that are single in the 1960s, it was like 28%, but over the last several decades, the number of single adults in America has risen to about half of the population. I mean, half of the people you're around are either never married or they were divorced or widowed in some way, and so this is a huge part of our world and our church and our last church survey. 44% of our church identified as single adults, and so sometimes when we think about singleness we're like, well, I don't know how I think or feel about it. Sometimes a single can feel like, well, I'm less than in some way or sometimes a single can feel invisible in a church like this. I don't know if we married couples, there's these different events. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to think. I was once married, and now I got divorced. I don't know where I belong or I lost my spouse, and I'm trying to find my way in this family. Well, today I want to talk about Jesus' vision for singleness. So Jesus has a way to cut against the culture, no matter what culture you live, no matter how people view marriage or singleness, no matter how they view race or gender, Jesus has a way to be in conflict with the message of the culture, no matter when you live or where you live, because Jesus is not shy to jump into any conversation and speak the truth and love. And so when we think about the way some people view singleness, I want to talk to you for a moment about traditional cultures. Traditional cultures. Eastern Asian cultures, maybe small town American cultures like people who grew up in the Midwest or the South, traditional cultures like the Jewish culture that Jesus lived in. If you weren't married back in those days, you were missing your purpose.

Something's wrong if you're in America, because the ultimate goal in those small town traditional cultures is that you get married, that you have kids. That's what life is all about. So if you're single in those cultures, you feel constantly like, is there something wrong? But there's also a modern culture, South Florida is a modern culture. Think New York, think L.A., think in back of the day, Rome and Greece, where singleness was exalted, where you don't have to be married to have sex. You can have sex whenever and with whoever you want, and you live free, unfettered. You don't make commitments. You don't make covenants. You live your best life. It's all about fulfillment. If you get married and it doesn't work out, well, marriage is a disposable asset, you just move on to the next person. In South Florida, some of us have grown up in both these cultures at the same time, and we're like, "Well, how do we understand singleness in marriage in light of the gospel?" because Jesus answers this question. In Matthew chapter 19, there is a controversy. And there's a pressure, because they're gonna ask Jesus a question about marriage, but they pose the question like, how do we get out of marriage? Like, we're married, but we don't wanna be married. What are the ways out of marriage? And Jesus says to the people, there's no easy way out of marriage, because it's a covenant that was, in the very beginning, the picture of God's love, first people, the two people, one man and one woman could become one flesh together,

a covenant that should not be broken. And when the disciples hear this, they say, this, Matthew 19, 10, if this is the situation between a husband and a wife, it's better not to marry. In other words, if I'm stuck with this person for the rest of my life, no matter what, maybe it's better if we don't get married at all. And now Jesus is gonna use this as a volleyball lob to talk about singleness. Here's how Jesus responds. Jesus replied, not everyone can accept this word. In other words, not everyone's going to be married, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, there are eunuchs who've been made eunuchs by others, and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven, the one who can accept this should accept it. All right, so first of all, how like, okay, so first of all, what's a eunuch? And what's Jesus talking about? So let's break this down. First he says, this idea of marriage of a covenant where two people are in union forever. There's no easy way out. She said marriage is not for everyone. He says, there are some people who are single or eunuch by birth, by biology, born without maybe the anatomy

or the desire to have children. Maybe there's a disability, maybe there's a challenge. Jesus says, there's some people that just won't be married and won't have kids because they were born that way. It's part of their biology. And then he says, there are some people who are gonna be single because they were made that way. Back in the day, a eunuch was a teenage boy who was castrated before he hit puberty. Why would someone do that to a teenage boy? Well, because if you are a king or you're running a harem, you don't want any competitors. You don't want anyone who's gonna have a child and challenge your right to the kingdom. So if I can neutralize any threats, any opposition, I'm gonna castrate all these boys so they can serve me but not be a threat to me. It was a way that people in power controlled the people around them. And Jesus was commenting on a very common practice back in the day we'd scratch our head and say, this is barbaric. And Jesus said, some people, they're, because of their environment, because of the way they grew up, because of physical or emotional factors, a marriage is not an available option to them. So some people are born this way, Jesus says, some people are made this way, and then Jesus says this. And some people choose to be or live the life

of a eunuch, a celibate person, because of the kingdom of God. Out of devotion for God, they say, I'm gonna take my desire to be married and I'm gonna set it aside because I want my devotion to be completely focused on God and his kingdom. And Jesus elevates this as a vision for singleness. And this vision for singleness was prophesied by Isaiah. Hundreds of years earlier. See, in the traditional cultures, if you're a eunuch, if you can't be married and have kids, you're less than. But Isaiah says, when Messiah comes, he's gonna take a barren woman, a woman who has no kids. She's gonna rejoice in her legacy. He's gonna be greater than you can imagine. He's gonna take a eunuch, someone who looks and is described as a dry tree, someone who can't reproduce. And he's gonna do something remarkable in and through that person. Here's that vision for Isaiah. Or this is what the Lord says to the eunuchs who keep my Sabbath, who choose what pleases me and hold fast to the covenant to them, I will give within my temple and its walls a memorial and a name better than sons and daughters. I will give them an everlasting name that will endure forever. What is Jesus saying? Well, in Isaiah's time, if you were a eunuch

or a barren woman, there was no legacy. There was nothing to celebrate, nothing that lived past you. And Jesus is saying, when Isaiah has talked about that idea, there is an eternal thing that's going on that God's gonna do in and through single people in the future and Christianity was the first religion, the first movement of his time that exalted singleness as a paradigm for life. Not just as an option or a lesser option, but an equally powerful option to live out. And as Christianity went from a traditional Jewish culture, where everything was centered around family and marriage and legacy, and went to the Roman Greek culture, the modern culture, where sex is now separated from covenant, you have sex with whoever you want, the Corinthians and the Greek culture would say having sex is like eating food or drinking water, it's just something you do with your body. It's not connected to a spiritual thing or an emotional thing, it's just a physical action, and now the gospel penetrates that culture. And now Paul says very similar things to Jesus about how marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman, how a husband leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife and this one fleshness is a mystery of the gospel. It shows covenant love for people. There can be a faithful love no matter what pressures of life happen, and so when people see a married couple who love each other and serve each other for 10, 20, 30, 40 years, it's a picture of the faithful love of Jesus toward us. And then he says, "And there is a role, and not a lesser role, but actually an elevated role for single Christians." Here's how Paul describes the Corinthians in 1 Corinthians chapter 7. He says, "I would like you to be free from concern, the concern of marriage, an unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs and how he can please the Lord, but a married man is concerned about the affairs of the world and how he can please his wife and his

interests are divided." Paul says, "Actually, I would rather Christians be single than married." Paul is a single man saying, "If I had a preferred state, it would be singleness because a married man's got to care for his wife and her spiritual and emotional needs and they've got to care for kids and they've got to focus so much energy in their family." And that's good and beautiful, but an unmarried Christian, wow. All this time and energy and passion to focus on Christ and his kingdom. And I want you to be free from concern. Your relational status, married or single is not the most important thing about you. And then he goes on to say this, "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs. Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit, but a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world and how she can please her husband. I'm saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion." Again, Paul says this opportunity to look at your singleness as a gift. He describes it as a gift, not that you don't have a desire for a relationship, that nothing you don't have a sexual desire to connect, not that you don't want a relationship, but that this gift is the gift of time and what he calls devotion in body and spirit to God, undivided devotion to Jesus. And what does that look like in our world, in our modern world, the swipe, write, culture, I'm going to connect with the next person, I'm going to live my life. We Christians, we're in this world where these sexual temptations say, "I don't want to honor God with my body or my spirit, those temptations are strong, they're pervasive, they're all around us." And if you live in a different way, you're going to stand out. And by standing out, single person, you're going to show the picture, this beautiful picture of the sufficiency of Christ in your life that he is in them. I remember being saved, starting a relationship between high school and college, and I came from a lot of sexual brokenness and pornography and all the things.

And I walk on to a college campus full of temptations and I have a choice. Do I honor God with my body? Am I devoted to him? Or do I believe in Jesus on the weekends and live my life on Friday night? Every Christian has this choice. And the choices you make, they tell a story. So people around me and college are like, "Doug, you going to this party? Hey, you're going to hang up with that girl?" No, what's wrong with you? I want to tell you, I used to live that life and it was fun on Friday night. But there was an emptiness that grew deeper and deeper and deeper as I satisfied my own desires. And when I found Jesus, I found a peace I'd never had, a purpose I'd never had. And so I want to tell you, he's worth it. And if you gave him a chance, he could change your life on the inside as well, right? There's something powerful, and Jesus, and Paul is saying, if you live with this type of undivided devotion, in body and spirit to Jesus, you will stand out in a culture that is living in this obsession of self-fulfillment and self-expression. I call it an act of defiance, like a defiant joy. Every single Christian in this room that walks in sexual purity and integrity before God, you are living in a culture in the way that you are living with a defiant. the name of Jesus. And anyone who asks you, you can tell them a testimony of someone who loves your soul more than any human being could ever love your soul. And so I want to just encourage you, continue to live in that world, even though temptations are great. So Paul says, "I wish everyone was like I was, this focused sense of devotion." And I love our church because I see so many single people living out their purpose for God in a powerful way. Last night, as I was teaching, I was skiing in the room, and I saw single parents who

were foster parents. I saw people who were missionaries. I saw people who had started ministries, single Christians who were loving Jesus. And so when we look at this vision for singleness, and next weekend for marriage, we see that in a church, single people need married people to show them the picture of Christ's covenant, Christ's unconditional love, but married people need single people to show us what undivided devotion looks like, what the fact that Jesus is always going to be enough and more than enough. Even your marriage partner can't meet those needs, and you all need Jesus can. And the beautiful thing about a church where singles and married interact in this beautiful way is that we both need each other, and that's what a family is. A family doesn't divide based on age, grandpa's in that room, the kids are in this room, mom and dad are in that room, the women are in this room, the men are in this room, well maybe sometimes that happens. But you know, the idea is like this whole family interacts. And so as Jesus gives us this vision for singleness, the most important thing is not your relational status. It's am I honoring God in my relational status. And so three things I want you to know. Three myths about singleness. First one is singleness is not incompleteness. I call this Jerry McGuire theology. You complete me. It's rom-com theology, Disney theology that says, if you are not married, you are incomplete. I want you to know that the most complete human being who ever lived was a single man. His name was Jesus. There was nothing incomplete about him, fully God, fully man. And we need to embrace that theology, that the reality that single people are not incomplete, no matter what Hollywood tells us, you can live a full life. You can experience the call of God, the mission of God, the community of God in powerful ways,

in some ways greater than married couples because of the amount of time you have. You are in Christ. If you're in Christ, then you are complete in Christ. Number two, singleness is not loneliness. Jesus was not lonely. Jesus had this beautiful relationship with the father, this deep connection with his disciples. He pursued these relationships. You see it on every page of his life. Jesus was not lonely and you look at Paul's life. You see the same thing. The men and women he's around all the time. He's constantly with people. In Romans chapter 16, we get a list of 36 people he did ministry with, most of which are single people. And so, we see this beautiful picture of life together, this modeling of relationship. I have a friend who's single and she's in her 30s and sometimes people will say, "Well, you know, Calvin, there's not enough things for singles and people can like, "Well, I'm waiting for an event for me because I feel a sense of loneliness." And so, she's like, "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to start something." So, she started a Bible study. Eight girls showed up and now a year later, they're deeply connected with each other because she did not wait for someone else to start something. She built a community because she deeply believes that Christians are not called to be lonely. Christians are called to engage deeply in their communities. So, if you're single and you feel that sense of loneliness, then begin to pray, "God, how might you use me to create a space for other people so that I can be a contributor to this family?" And then, the last sort of myth is, singleness is not purposelessness. The person of greatest purpose, of greatest mission, who ever lived was Jesus Christ himself.

And again, we see this through the disciples' life. We see this through the lives of so many people in these pages that are single. Just go through Jesus' life and the gospels. John the Baptist. He was single. And the prophets who held Jesus up in the temple. She was single. Mary Magdalene. Most of the disciples. They were single. Most of Paul's, again, partners were single. I think in modern terms, 75% of missionaries globally all across the world are single women. You start thinking about like, "Whoa, there's something here." And again, part of our church, foster parents, ministry leaders, small group leaders, people who are directing and starting ministries. Single people have given their lives fully to glorify God. I know there are some unique challenges in living out singleness. was to invite Dr. Julie Slattery to come and just share with us some of the ins and outs of singleness. And so would you please welcome Dr. Julie Slattery as she comes, we are so glad you're here. Julie's a founder of a ministry called Authentic Intimacy and she has a special passion for the virgin of psychology as a therapist and theology as a deep lover of God's word and she has been a guest here and she, we consider her part of our family. So let's welcome her one more time as she comes. (audience applauding) Julie.

- Yeah. - Welcome, tell us a little bit about you. - Well, I live in Akron, Ohio. So it's nice to be here in South Florida with you all. I love the Calvary family. It's been a joy to be sort of an outside partner of your family and to be able to visit very often. My background is I'm a clinical psychologist that, as you mentioned, really has a passion for integrating God's word into the real things of life like relationships and conflict and family and dating and marriage and singleness and for the last probably 15 years of my ministry, it's been particularly focused on issues around sexuality and intimacy. So, yeah. - So you have a lot of conversations with single people. - I do. - So what is single people saying to you? Like, hey, I wish people knew this. Like, what are they saying? - Yeah, well, when we say single people, I mean, that's a broad swath of individuals. You have everything from people who have never been married, maybe desire marriage, maybe not. You have people who have been married and are divorced or widowed. And so it's hard to speak for everyone. But a few of the things that I would say is that singles often feel particularly

within Christian culture, like maybe they're misunderstood or they don't know where they fit in. So for example, you think about a young adult who's single. And they're going through life, maybe university, they're starting jobs, they have their friend group, and one by one, people start getting married. And so they start going to weddings and celebrating with other people. And now all their friends are starting to have babies. And they start to lose that community or that sense of, I belong here. Or you even think about somebody who's been married before and a lot of their friendship and community is built around couples and families. And then there's a divorce or there's a death. And they no longer get the same invitations to that small group of couples. And so again, they can kind of feel like they're on the outskirts, people really don't value them or understand their life or even value the maturity that they might bring to a Christian community. - So in those moments where maybe married couples or people in the church are ignorant of that, feeling that sense, they might often want to step in and say something. And sometimes what married couples might say to single people might make it worse. Like what are the dumb things that we might say or that we should avoid saying, like talk to us? - Yeah, I think sometimes singles

or married people will say to singles things like, man, you are so awesome, I can't believe nobody snatched you up. And that's really sort of a backhanded compliment of, yeah, you know, like you didn't quite write there. So, or it can be something like, hey, just if you're content in the Lord and you stop thinking about getting married, God's just gonna drop a spouse. And so they're like, all right, that's not helpful. And you know, it's that kind of thing or even like just wait, like your turn is coming. And one of the difficulties of that kind of statement, it's just saying like, we have something that you don't, you're missing out. And as you've been teaching, that's not at all what the scripture actually says that married people have something special that singles are missing out on. - So talk to me about the single who's like, I'm loving Jesus, I'm trying to do what's right, but I have a desire to be married. How do I know when that desire becomes too much of an obsession, like? - Yeah, yeah, so first of all, the scripture says, if you desire a wife, that's a good thing. And that would go for a desire and a husband as well. Like it's not a bad thing to desire marriage.

As a matter of fact, our desire for marriage, our desire for that kind of intimacy is a reflection of our spiritual desire to be united with Christ. And so there's purpose in that on earth and there's also purpose of that beyond the earth. But when does it actually become something that is going to interfere with your spiritual formation, with your development in the Lord? And I would say there's a few things you would ask. First of all, am I coveting? So coveting is when we look at someone else's life and we're like, they are so lucky, like if only my life could be like that. And sure we've all had fleeting thoughts like that of, oh, I wish I had that person's relationship or job or whatever it might be. - It's perfect on social media. I mean, it's amazing, look how amazing that is. - Yes. - I want that. - But that's a thought of the flesh. And so when we nurture that and we sit in it, it becomes very dangerous. And so that's the first thing. Second thing I would say, Doug, is, that they're willing to say, "I know this isn't God's way for me to go about dating, but I need this." Like, you know, the person I'm with does not want to get married, they want to live together, and I don't want to lose them, so I'm going to do it, or I'm going to sleep with them." Or so that compromising, I've heard singles often say, "I know God doesn't want me with this person, but." And in the Christian life, as soon as we have

that sort of attitude, that means that there's an idol in our heart that God wants us to lay down. And then the last thing I would say is, "Is your life on hold?" You know, I think sometimes for singles it can be, "When I get married, if I get married, I'm waiting for that day," and sometimes we're so invested in the life that we want, that we miss the life that we have, the people that are right in front of us. Yeah, I remember in my college days, the beautiful thing about being singles, you have plenty of time. Stay out late, you know, go to a park feed, homeless people, give your summer away. I remember friends of mine, they were like, "Let's go to the Amazon and cut down a, you know, trees to create a landing strip for missionaries." I'm like, "Sure, let's go, why not?" It's a beautiful thing to have that freedom and not live life on hold. So, let me, so talk to me about the Christian man or woman who begins to date and wants to do this in a healthy way in community. What are some of the red flags maybe where something's not right? How do we know where we're getting off? Yeah, so one of the things I would say that I've really learned is that dating culture today is pretty messed up. Can I get a name then? It's crazy, yeah. I mean, the dating apps, even if you're looking for someone who faithfully wants to serve the Lord, you meet somebody who says, "Hey, I'm a believer," but they have a very different sexual ethic than what the Bible says. And so, there's a lot of heartbreak, there's a lot of fear, and there's a lot of people walking around with wounds around dating. And so, I would say, first of all, we want to be really prayerful. And I know it sounds weird. It sounds cliche, but God has stoned the business of saying, "Hey, I see you. I see your longing." He's stoned the business of matchmaking, you know? And so, if there's nothing wrong with praying, "God, I have this longing," if this is your will, would you bring someone into my life? The second thing I would say is, you know, be wise. Take your time, go slow, and get to know someone. Don't be afraid to run away from something that has a lot of red flags. And another thing I would say is be in community. Like, the fact that in our culture, we date so one-on-one. You meet someone online. You know, you get together with them one-on-one. That's just not a healthy way to get to know someone. It's not even a safe way to get to know someone in a lot of places. Okay, so talk about that. You're dating. In the world, we grew up in now. It's like just you and your phone and the conversation and the person.

What you're suggesting is open that relationship up to the community, family, friends. How does a person go about doing that? How do you get married couples and singles to interact over these issues? Yeah. I think, first of all, we got to realize that we are primarily brothers and sisters in Christ. Okay, so when God looks at us, yes, he instituted a husband and wife, but the primary relationship that we have in the family of God is brother and sister. And so even if you're married, the person you're married to is primarily your brother and sister, and in heaven will not be your husband or wife, but will be your brother and sister. And so it's sort of a level setting of what we need each other as brother and sister. And then I think it takes intentionality. If you're dating someone, don't make it at this exclusive relationship where all the time you spend is going out together, but say, "Hey, I want you to meet the people in my small group. I want you to meet my family. I want you to hang out with my friends, and I want to get to know yours." And that provides accountability, but it also provides insight. People are seeing things that you can't see, because when you're in a new relationship, there's all kinds of neurochemicals that kind of make us blind. And we will often justify or we're crossover things that really should be concerning. Yeah, we often say love makes you stupid. Your brain just shuts off, and you need people to see what you can't see. I remember a couple that was getting ready to get married, and I'm like, "What are your parents like? They're against it. What are your parents like? They're against it. What are your friends like? They're against it." And is there anyone in your life that's for this relationship? And they're like, "No, we're like Romeo and Juliet." And I'm like, "Do you know how that story ends? It's not good. Not good. All right, so let's talk about the person who's gotten divorced or someone who's widowed." So this is a completely different type of situation, but they're single. So what are the specific dynamics there, and how does the church come around and someone not? So the person who's widowed or divorced has experienced some kind of a death. And I say that because divorce is a death of some sort. And divorce can be as painful as because there can be a sense of shame attached to it. Even so-so-reachers will call divorce like a living death because that person's still alive. And so you have the complications sometimes of co-parenting children, and so often,

people who are widowed are divorced. Again, often we're talking about people older in life, and so when we think of singles, sometimes we think of people in their 20s and 30s. But what about the singles that are in their 40s and 50s and 60s? Is there a community for me? But not only that, are there people there with me that see my pain? Because when you go through a divorce, or you go through a death for a couple weeks, people can be really compassionate. Can I bring you a meal? How are you doing? Are you lonely? But the research would show that actually some of the deepest grief comes a year, or two years after that loss. And you can feel very isolated and unseen in that loss, which I'm so grateful that you have divorce care and grief share and programs like that that really help people in that grieving process and acknowledge that this is not something that's just easy to rebound from. - Yeah, so talk again about this vision for why it's important to have married couples interacting with people who have been divorced, or widows, or young single people. Like what about that builds the entire family? - Yeah, so you mentioned this so well and taught it well

a few minutes ago, but we're all working towards the same story. And the story is that God created us for covenant love with him. We are the bride of Christ. And so married couples, we are working out a little version of that story. And it's hard work, as Paul said. And we can be so busy working out the conflict in marriage and the frustration of marriage and the busyness of parenting that singles and those who are widowed and divorced, they need to remind us like, "Hey, look up," because this little picture is supposed to point to a big picture. And you can be so invested in what's happening right in front of you that you don't see that God didn't create us primarily for a marriage here on earth. He created us primarily to be the bride of Christ who is gonna be married to him. - That's good. Yeah, one of the highlights of my week with my wife and I is a group we host in a house of single like 20-somethings. And it's so amazed just to hear that life. 'Cause it's like, we used to be those 20-somethings and now we're watching them so much time, so much ability to serve and care for people and go on great adventures. And it creates this beautiful connection

and really inspiration from our wife and go, "Our life is not just about our family, our kids. "It's about something so much more." And those 20-somethings remind us of that. - Right. You mentioned this idea of a gift of singleness that the Scripture talks about. A lot of singles don't like that language, all right? They're like, "This isn't a gift I want." And I think this kind of speaks to that. When we think in Western culture of getting a gift, it's a gift for me, right? But when we read in Scripture, it's a gift. It's a gift for the whole body. - That's good. - It's not for us. And so if we have the gift of marriage, it's not primarily so that I can be happy and I can find the love of my life. It's a gift to testify to the whole body that God loves us with covenant. And this is why it's so important for us to have a biblical view of marriage if we want a biblical view of singleness. And that I'm so thankful that God doesn't love me with a, "I'm gonna try you out," kind of love. He loves us with a love that won't fail. And in a similar way, that gift of singleness is a gift to testify to the whole body that we belong to Him.

- That's good. - And so it's a reframe that we're reminding each other of the ultimate of what that gift is pointing to. - All right, so let's talk about the gift of sexuality. God gives sexuality to all people single and married. And we know for married people, it's fidelity, faithfulness with one person in that covenant for life. But what about a single person? What do they do with their sexuality? - Yeah, here's the truth. Singles are still sexual people. It's not like you automatically become sexual when you get married. Our sexuality is more than what we do with our bodies. It's the fact that we're male and female and that we are created with drives and desire that draw us into marriage and have that fullest expression physically within marriage. And so a single, a part of it is understanding that you bring your sexuality wherever you go because you are an embodied male or female. And that is in every room, regardless of what you're doing with that body. - So you described this dynamic of what happens when a guy walks into a room. Just give us this, it's a great picture. - Yeah, so let's say we're at Men's Huddle on Friday night. All right, you got all the men here, all the testosterone. - Yeah.

- It's a very, very different gathering than even if one woman is on top. Or you even think about the gathering that happened a few weeks ago. Like it was all the estrogen and all the women and the tears and all of it. It really changes when you guys come into the room. And that boy, that's true of any room. Like if you're even just talking about a small group of women, it's very different than a small group of women with one man. And so we're bringing an essence of what male and femaleness is. But I think also when it comes to singleness and understanding sexuality, your sexuality is not just about a physical urge. Often we reduce it to that. But when a kid goes through adolescence, and all of a sudden they go from being 8 to 9 to 10, 11, 12, puberty kicks in, it's not just that they have new physical desires, it's that there's an awakening of, I don't want to be alone. Like I have a desire of longing to be known. And what we know, Doug, is that people can live very full lives without marriage and without ever having sex. But they can't live full lives without intimacy, without having connection with other individuals, where they really feel seen or known and belong. And so your sexuality as a single is reminding you

that you were not made to do life alone. - So how has this complicated that? Like this desire for intimacy, face to face, life on life. And there's so many artificial ways that happens here, especially as our young people are being formed. It's a counterfeit. What happens to the mind, the heart, the soul, of someone who gets, who tries to find intimacy here? - Yeah, so I think you cannot have intimacy with a phone. You can't. I mean, and this is one of the complicating factors here. It's particularly when we look at the younger generation, they equate sex with intimacy. So I might go speak to a bunch of college students and use the word intimacy, and they immediately think I'm speaking about sex. And so the culture that we lives in really sabotages deep intimacy. We're moving all the time, we're distracted, and we're told to just move on to relationships that are unfulfilling, and so it's sabotaging intimacy, and it's serving up sex as a replacement. And so phones, things like that, even the ways we might use artificial intelligence, certainly pornography, is telling you over and over again, like I know you're lonely, but this will help. This will help you feel seen. But anyone who is caught in that will say it doesn't work. It works for a minute. Those hookups, they feel good for a minute.

And that sexual expression feels good for a short period of time. But at the end of the day, there's a deep loneliness in searching because it's sabotaging your ability to really connect with another human being. - That's good. Yeah, Dr. Julie and I had about a 45 minute conversation about this on a podcast that you can find on the QR codes. If you want more on this particular topic, we could talk for an hour just on this and how our Christian culture is being shaped by the culture in maybe ways that aren't healthy. So I wanna close with a vision for our married couples and a vision for singleness. Jesus cast this broad vision for all of us. So what would you say to the married couples in the room? What would you say to the single people on the room? - Yeah, so to my married friends in the room, what I would say is be very careful that you're not defining your marriage based on what the world tells you marriage is. We use the same word for marriage as the culture does. So what God calls us to is very, very different. It is not for me, it is not to make me happier to find my soulmate or to have all my needs met. It is first and foremost a lifelong covenant that's gonna be difficult to work out that we promise to and that Christ is forming in us what it looks like to love another human being like he has loved us.

And boy, that's a challenge for marriage. Some of the loneliest people I know are married, because marriage doesn't solve that problem ultimately. It calls us to work it out in a way that points to the gospel. So that would be my vision for the married. And then for the single brothers and sisters, I would say please don't think of singleness as the absence of something. Because in our culture, we often define singleness as oh, you don't have a spouse. We don't see the word singleness in the scripture. It's defined different ways. Singleness is not the absence of something. It is the declaration to the whole body of Christ that we are the bride waiting for a bridegroom who is coming and he's coming soon. And he's the one who is and was and is to come. And that's a vision we all need to be reminded of. - That is so good, that is so good. Can we give Dr. Julie Handy? (audience applauding) Thank you, grateful for your ministry. And so I want you to take a moment. I want us to take a moment. I want to pray overall of the single people in this room. And I'm going to ask if you're not single, that you would think of that person in your family, in your life who needs prayer. And we're going to pray for the particular opportunities

you have as a single person. We're going to pray for the particular challenges you might have as a single person, that you would live out the gospel. And so if you can just, in your seat, open your hands. Let's take a moment to pray. Father, we know the most important thing about us is not our relational status. It's not our age, our gender, our race, our language, our origin. It's not about how much money we make or what neighborhood we live in, our most important relationship is our relationship with you. And so now we pray for our single brothers and sisters who have unique opportunities to live out their lives in this world and show undivided devotion. God, I pray that every single person here would sense that opportunity of time and investment. That it all doesn't have to be used on them as the world would tell them, but it could be used on others. God, there are single people here who have a calling in their life and even right now we pray you would call them out their gifts, their experiences, their divine purpose that you'd begin to show them. They are not missing something. They have all they need in you, Jesus. God, I pray for the unique challenges. How do I honor Jesus with my body in a world that says, you can do whatever you want with your body? God, I pray for a purity, a sexual integrity

that what we say on Sundays, we would live out on Mondays and Tuesdays. What we read in your word on the weekends, we'd live out on the weekends. Father, I pray for protection. God, I pray for comfort over those who are divorced and widows still grieving those losses that you bring deep healing in this community. God, I pray that we would not be a congregation that's just segmented where the married couples go in one space and the singles go in another space, but you would make us one beautiful, holy, a family being built up together in Jesus. And so, Jesus, we pray your blessing. Over every one of our relationships, we commit our future path to you. And we pray this in Christ name, amen. Hey, before we dismiss today, I wanna give one final opportunity. I said it already, but I wanna say it again, the most important relational status you have is not whether you're single or married. It's whether you're in relationship with God, or not. Most important relationships, am I lost or am I found? Am I an enemy of God or am I a friend of God? Son or daughter of God? And if you're new to Christianity or new to the church, you're like, well, how does that happen? I've heard we're all God's children.

And that's something that people will often say, but the Bible tells us pretty clearly that God only has one son, Jesus. We are his creation, but to become God's children, we have to go through this process of adoption. And here's the beautiful thing. God invites every human being who's ever lived to join his family. This is the open invitation. Whoever would come, whoever would call on his name, whoever, as Jesus would say, would receive me, could become a son or daughter of God, not by a natural birth, but by being born again, into the family of God. And every human being who's ever lived has had this invitation, this choice. Do I say yes to God? Do I submit my life to him and honor him as my father and follow his lead? Or do I do it my own way? And you're surrounded by people who for much of their life did it their own way, but at some point they came to that aha moment, that moment where clarity provided the opportunity to make a decision that changed their life. And this is why we say a relationship with Jesus changes everything. The most important thing is not that you join a church, you come to church every weekend. The most important thing is that you have a relationship

with the living God. And here at Calvary, we always love to end our service. So we're gonna play a song and we're gonna invite you. If you wanna start a relationship with God, if you want your sins to be forgiven, then we're gonna ask you to stand up as we play the song and walk forward to this altar. And here's what you're doing by staying at this altar. You're declaring that you are a sinner and that you need to save you. You're declaring that you believe that God sent his one and only son to die in your place, to pay the debt for your sin that you could not pay. And that as you took your place, now you are forgiven and free, the great exchange, your sin for his perfection, your shame for his glory. And this is why Jesus came. This is his great love for you. And so if you know that's you today, as we begin this song, I'm gonna ask you to demonstrate what we call 20 seconds of insane courage to stand up in front of all these people and to walk forward and to make the most important decision you could ever make your whole life. And we're praying for you and we'll celebrate you as you come. So now's the time. If you're ready, stand and walk this way and we will celebrate with all of heaven as you come. Come now. ♪ And I was a rich ♪

♪ I remember who I was ♪ ♪ I was lost ♪ ♪ I was blind ♪ ♪ I was running out of time ♪ ♪ The sin separated ♪ ♪ The breach was far too high ♪ ♪ From the far side of the castle ♪ ♪ You held me in your side ♪ ♪ Thank you, Jesus, for the blood and the blood ♪ ♪ Thank you, Jesus, it has washed me while ♪ ♪ Thank you, Jesus, you have saved my life ♪ ♪ And brought me from the darkness ♪ ♪ Into glorious love ♪ (audience applauding) - We are so glad that you're here. And these tears, this moment, is God's lavish love in your life. Here's the crazy thing. God knew you before you were ever born. God knew every path he would take. He watched you walk away from him. He watched you do all those things. And he patiently, kindly, waited for you to come back to him in this moment. And he, today, wants to embrace you as a father. He was waited for his daughter son to come home. He wants to forgive you of all your sins, not just the guilt of your sins, but the shame, that shame that you carry, that sense of regret, that deep regret.

He wants to wash all that away and say, "Now you belong to me. "And now I'm gonna do this work of new creation to you. "I'm gonna adopt you as a son, as a daughter. "And now begins the greatest adventure of your life. "You belong to a family. "He's given you a name. "And you get to walk that out today. "And so I'm just gonna invite you to say a simple prayer "to God. "He's watching you right now. "And his countenance, his face, his smile is over you. "There's a celebration happening right now in heaven "that we can't see. "But right now I'm gonna ask you just to say these words, "the most important words that will ever come out of your mouth "is you make your declaration of faith "in all of heaven and all of earth witness this. "Save this to God. "He's listening. "Lord God, I open my heart and I invite you inside. "Forgive my sin. "Today I repent. "Now fill me with your spirit and I will walk with you "all the days of my life. "I pray this in Jesus' name. "Amen." Amen, amen. So honored to be part of this important moment in your life and so I'm gonna ask you,

if you could give us five more minutes, you just made that most important decision. We wanna help you process. We'd love to give you a Bible. So if you can follow me and this group over to the open door, you'll be back with your friends in five minutes. Can we give them a hand as they go to this way church and let's stand together and let's respond to our God with worship. He is worthy of our praise. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) Come on, church with faithfulness. Let's declare for you, you are never gonna. You're never gonna, you're never gonna let me down Yes we see it, you're never gonna, you're never gonna You're never gonna let me down, yes he's fake You're never gonna, you're never gonna Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah You're never gonna live, you're never gonna live me down at your horse of days You're never gonna live, you're never gonna live me down, oh no no no no no You're never gonna live, you're never gonna live me down You're never gonna live, you're never gonna live me down 'Cause you are good, you're good, oh you are good, you're good, oh you are good, you're good You're never gonna live, you're never gonna live me down You're never gonna live, you're never gonna live me down, oh no no no no You're never gonna live, you're never gonna live me down You're never gonna live, you're never gonna live me down Before you go, if you're in need of prayer, please come forward We have a prayer team that's gonna be right up here, ready to pray with you And we want to just remind you about our Wednesday night service

We'll meet in here together If we don't see you on Wednesday, we'll see you again next weekend Enjoy your Labor Day [Music]