Dysfunctional Communication

Church, let's stand together all across this room today. If you're joining us online today, welcome. We are so glad that you're here. This morning, we're gonna lift up the praises of the Lord in this place. There is nothing He can't do, amen. All right, let's sing this together today, come on. ♪ Just one word, you calm a storm that surrounds me ♪ ♪ You calm a storm that surrounds me ♪ ♪ Just one word, the darkness has to retreat ♪ Amen, come on, we believe that's true today. ♪ Just one touch, I feel the presence of heaven ♪ ♪ Just one touch, my eyes were opened to see ♪ ♪ My heart can't help but move, sing it out ♪ ♪ There's nothing that our God can't do ♪ ♪ There's not a mountain that He can't move ♪ ♪ Oh, praise the name that makes a way ♪ ♪ There's nothing that our God can't do ♪ ♪ Just one word, you heal what's broken inside me ♪ ♪ Just one word, and you revive and treat me ♪ ♪ Oh, you revive and heal me ♪ ♪ Just one touch, I feel the power of Him ♪ ♪ Just one touch, my eyes were opened to see ♪ ♪ My heart can't help but believe it ♪ ♪ There's nothing that our God can't do ♪ ♪ There's not a mountain that He can't move ♪ ♪ Oh, praise the name that makes a way ♪ ♪ There's nothing that our God can't do, we believe it ♪ ♪ There's nothing that our God can't do ♪ ♪ There's not a prison wall He can't break through ♪

♪ Oh, praise the name that makes a way ♪ ♪ There's nothing that our God can't do, we believe it ♪ In Matthew 17, Jesus said, if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can speak to this mountain and it will move. So this morning, let's let our faith rise as we sing this out, come on. ♪ I will believe for greater things ♪ ♪ There's no power like the power of Jesus ♪ Let faith arise, you sing it. ♪ There's no power like the power of Jesus ♪ So I will believe, come on. ♪ For greater things, there's no power like the power of Jesus ♪ Let faith arise, let it all agree. ♪ There's no power like the power of Jesus ♪ So I will believe, for greater things. ♪ There's no power like the power of Jesus ♪ Let faith arise, let it all agree. ♪ There's no power like His power, there's nothing that our God can't do ♪ ♪ There's not a mountain that He can't move ♪ Oh, praise the name that makes a way. ♪ There's nothing that our God can't do ♪ ♪ There's nothing that our God can't do ♪ ♪ There's not a prison wall He can't break through ♪ Oh, praise the name that makes a way. ♪ There's nothing that our God can't do ♪ I will. ♪ I will believe, for greater things ♪ ♪ There's no power like the power of Jesus ♪ Let faith arise, let it all agree.

♪ There's no power like the power of Jesus ♪ Come on, let's praise His name this morning. Let's praise. ♪ There's nothing that our God can't do ♪ Let faith arise, let it all agree. Oh, praise the name that makes a way. There's nothing that our God can't do. There's nothing that our God can't do. Come on, let's praise His name. in the same direction, and same heart, same mission. One little element of that is we always talk about Growth Track. Those of you who are members here, you're like, oh my gosh, another announcement about Growth Track. This is the first step of people coming into our church. It's where they join the church, start serving, get in a small group, and so two Sunday nights ago, we had 267 people who took their first step with our church, and we share the gospel on these nights. We talk about small groups, serving, all that kind of stuff. We had 33 people on that night make a profession of faith in Jesus, which is incredible, and in one night, saw 184 people join our church. So praise God for that. It's incredible, but I hope that gives you just a little snippet of how God is moving, and we're like, okay, we need to, let's keep moving in the same direction here, and stay on the same page, and so we're just overwhelmed at what God's doing, and so thankful for you wherever you're at.

Here's the one thing I'm confident at. God, through his word, wants to speak to you, and it's not about me or where I'm at. It's about the word of God, about you, and about what God wants to say to you, so as we heard just a moment ago, let's turn to Genesis chapter 31 together. If you are new, welcome. I'll be out at the first-time guest area after this service. Would love to say hey to you, but we are really walking through the book of Genesis really for the majority of the fall and spring. We're doing this through five unique series. We are on series number four in the book of Genesis, so we're taking a lot of time this year in the book of Genesis. We are in a series called One Big Happy Family, and it's a play on words. This thing is anything but one big happy family. It's one dysfunctional pile of mess, all right? That's the real title right there, and this is all about Isaac and Rebekah and their two sons, Jacob and Esau. We've kind of dealt with Isaac and Rebekah and Esau. Now we're moving to Jacob. We'll come back to Esau here in a few weeks, but really this is one big dysfunctional family that we're talking about, and as we dive into this passage today,

I wanna apologize as I get started. I don't know that today's message applies to you because I think everybody's an expert at what I'm about to talk about, all right? Can you tell I'm joking already? Maybe this is for a friend or for another family member, but today we're gonna talk about dysfunctional communication, all right? I think hearing me say that, you're like, okay, that is a joke. We're obviously, we all need help in that. Here's what I would tell you is that godly open communication is not normal. It's just not. So to do things in the right way, to be a follower of Christ that handles communication in the right way often doesn't happen, and so what I would just tell you is that most of your friendships, work associates, family relationships have at least some little elements of dysfunction. You say, well, I don't know if that's true. Well, what would you like to say if you could say it? That shows dysfunction right there, and so we could go through your whole life and every relationship there. You say, well, Nick, why is communication that way? Why is it so much of it dysfunctional? And I don't know any other way to say it.

Man, it's just hard. It's hard, especially when it's in the middle of conflict. What do you say? What do you not say? What do you hold back? What's the right tone? And all of that is affected by the home you grew up in and how you saw communication modeled in a healthy way or in a very unhealthy way, and then you get in a relationship with somebody else, whether that's a spouse, whether that's a friendship, whether that's somebody you work with, somebody you go to school with, and then the mess just begins, all right? Really, the way I would tell you to view this message is this is kind of like a continuation of the marriage conference, all right? We had the marriage conference last Sunday night, and what I would say is we touched on communication a little bit but didn't cover it as a whole, and this is one of the major issues in marriage, but here's the difference in it. It doesn't really fit into marriage conference. It fits at church because it's true in every relationship that you have. It's true between siblings, between friendships, and so on, including marriage. I shared a little about this at the marriage conference. I'll say it for those of you who weren't there. I was raised with just my parents and one brother.

I grew up playing sports. I was a football player. I know you could tell. Tell me something you don't know, right? And so I was used to dudes in locker rooms, and then God brought me a wife, this beautiful young woman named Meredith who was at the last service here, and I had no idea how to speak to her or how to communicate with her, and so over the years, she would say things to me like, you can't talk to me that way. Like, I'm fine, China. Like, I break. Talk to me gently. All the women are like, yeah, that's right. You tell him, Meredith. And I'm used to dudes in locker rooms like I played football. You know, football is leather, you can spike it, you can do whatever you want to, doesn't hurt it. That's dudes, okay? And then you get in a marriage with a woman who, you know, it's like other women who just says, hey, listen, you gotta talk to me different. I am not a dude, okay? That's a great message for every husband here today. Your wife is not a dude, okay? That'll take you so far in your life and in your relationship.

So I will say that I've not, we're almost 21 years of marriage in May. I wouldn't say I've learned. I would say I'm still learning. There are still times, even within the past few weeks, where I'll say something and I'll be like, ah, that didn't come out right. And I'll say, hey, that came out rougher than I intended. Or just to have to apologize. And by the way, guys, a marriage tip. If you just own it, you get by it a lot quicker, all right? If you try to skirt around it, take it from me, it doesn't work very well, okay? So I would say I'm learning. And what I would tell you is that to be a follower of Jesus who handles things biblically in communication, to be a functional, godly communicator, it's just something you've got to learn, all right? So that's what we're gonna talk about today. And I'm gonna talk to you about dysfunctional communication that ruins relationships. How does that sound for a title, right? It sounds so heartwarming. But really what I'm gonna talk about for the next little bit is I'm gonna talk to you about eight patterns in your life of dysfunctional communication. Did you realize that you can look at what other people do wrong, and you can look at it and say, I don't want to do that.

I don't want to be that. Some of you had that relationship with your parents. You're like, I don't wanna be my mom. I don't wanna be my dad. I wanna do this in the right way. And so this is a harsh look at one family in the Bible who exhibited all eight of these patterns, did not help them. And I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt today as we get started. And here's the benefit of the doubt. My benefit of the doubt to you is that you do not want to do communication wrong, but you wanna do it right. All right, everybody, you agree with that? And so what I would tell you is there's not a one of you who as you wrote out your goals for 2026, you're like, you know what, I wanna lose weight. And I would like to ruin every relationship I have by being a bad communicator. There's not a person in here who has that desire, okay? You have a desire, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, that man, I wanna be a godly man, I wanna be a godly woman who handles communication well, who handles people well. And here's what I would just say. This is why it is so essential for you to walk intimately with Jesus Christ as a father of him. If you are living according to the spirit, to use New Testament language,

you will exhibit the opposite of what I'm about to talk about. And if you are living in the flesh, like in other words, you're saved, but man, I just kinda feel pulled back to who I used to be, then these eight patterns are gonna be true in your life. And at the bottom of the spiral of these eight patterns are broken relationships. So some of these I'm gonna fly through, others of them I'll park a little bit. So here are the eight patterns of dysfunctional communication. Write these down if you're taking notes. Pattern number one, it's deception that erodes trust. Deception that erodes trust. This is really the two prior chapters. I'll give you some background here before we get into chapter 31. This is the story of Laban, the father-in-law of Jacob, who is a deceiver and a manipulator. Do you have anybody in your family who is a deceiver or a manipulator? If you're like, dude, I totally have those people in my family. Here's what I would tell you. Do you trust them, yes or no? You don't trust those people. This is what's going on here in the Bible, okay? This father-in-law Laban deceived Jacob

into marrying his older daughter Leah, then made him work to marry his other daughter Rachel. Yes, that's polygamy. Yes, it's sinful. Yes, it's dysfunctional. And you see that all throughout these stories right here in the book of Genesis. This deception not only caused tension between Jacob and Laban, but also between the two sisters. We studied that last week. But chapter 30, right before you get to our passage today, you have Laban continuing in his deceptive ways. You may have heard this story before. Laban, basically he's told by Jacob, hey, I wanna go home. It's time for me to leave your house and go back to my country. And Laban's like, no, no, no, no, stay, stay, stay, stay. I'll give you some of my flocks. And what does he do? He gives him the worst of his flocks, expecting to harm him. Well, God does like a Jesus Juke kind of thing and like flips it upside down and prospers him where his flocks become very numerous and successful. Okay, so that's the background of this today. Anybody like to cook? Anybody like pasta people where you gotta boil pasta? You know you gotta boil the water first of all.

And have you ever, every guy has done this before. Have you ever poured in the pasta too fast and it just boils over? This is that story. There's been a relationship of tension just boiling for several chapters. And now it's about to explode, all right? Heard a pastor say it this way one time. This is this chapter. He said, anytime you lose trust, you assume the worst about that person from that point forward. Anybody seen that before? You got messed over by someone in the office and the next day you're at the coffee pot and you're like, oh my goodness. Can you believe what they did? I mean, you're just boiling and the next time you're put on that team for that project with that person, you're like, I don't trust her at all. Don't trust him at all. Or have you ever had this happen in your family where somebody's hurt you and for every Thanksgiving since then, you've kind of kept them at a distance of like, that's great, great to see you, amen. Let's have a seat on the other side of the table. I don't wanna be with you. That is that kind of principle lived out.

Remember this, trust takes a long time to build up and a very short time to lose. We've all had experiences in that, both in positive and negative. So that's pattern one. Here's pattern two where we'll dive into our passage. It's choosing silence instead of honest conversation. Choosing silence instead of honest conversation. Look at the passage, chapter 31, right here in verse one. It says, now Jacob heard that the sons of Laban were saying, Jacob has taken all that was our father's and from what was our father's, he has gained all this wealth. And Jacob saw that Laban did not regard him with favor as before. Then the Lord said to Jacob, return to the land of your fathers and to your kindred and I will be with you. So remember I told you, gives him the worst of the flocks. God prospers those flocks. And then Laban's sons are like, dad, dad, look at what he's done. He's stolen from you and he's all of your wealth. He's taken away in certain ways. And so he begins to notice, Jacob that is, that man, okay, I'm falling out of favor with that entire side of the family and I need to go. Now, if you're like me, just doing a simple reading of the passage, here's the question that's coming in your mind.

Why does Jacob just not go to Laban and to his sons and say, listen, y'all think that I've stolen here. This is a miracle of God. This is what happened with the flocks and this is how it turned out. We see that nowhere in the passage. Why not? I don't know that we're told. But instead Jacob chooses silence over honest conversation. My best guess is the relationship's too far gone. Have you ever gotten to the point where you're like, I don't care what they think about me. I don't care what they say about me. I'm done. You ever been there with somebody? I think that's where Jacob's at right now, okay. I read a book last year called Atomic Habits. Anybody read Atomic Habits? Famous personal growth sort of business book kind of. And it's all about how to implement new things in your life and start new habits, stuff like that. But he has a principle in there that he calls habit stacking. In other words, when you decide to do a new thing that's a good thing, you stack a habit on top of it. In other words, when I do this, I will also do this. Let me play it out. If you are someone who says, well, Nick, I want to brush my teeth more in 2026. Like good breath, clean teeth.

It's a great goal for everybody, by the way. They say, well, every time I brush my teeth in 2026, I'm also going to read a chapter of the Bible. He calls that habit stacking, okay. Now, in a weird way, this is what's going on, but in a different way. Dysfunction is breeding dysfunction in this family. And it is what I'll just call dysfunction stacking, where Laban mistreats him. Now Jacob's about to mistreat him. Now they go on more dysfunction and they just stack on top of one another, dysfunction after dysfunction after dysfunction. You've got a deceptive father-in-law who has mistreated his son-in-law and now it's about to just go crazy. Here's what I tell you. When silence rules a relationship of any kind, dysfunction's gonna follow. If one person doesn't feel like they can speak, dysfunction's going to follow, okay. That's pattern number two. Here's number three. Surely nobody in here has ever done this one. How about talking to people instead of talking to the person? Talking to people instead of talking to the person. Keep reading, look at verse four. It says, so Jacob sent and called Rachel and Leah into the field where his flock was and said to them,

I see that your father does not regard me with favor as he did before, but the God of my father has been with me. You know that I've served your father with all my strength, yet this father has cheated me and changed my wages 10 times, but God did not permit him to harm me. He gathers his two wives at this point and he's like, listen, I've been faithful to your dad. Your dad's messed me over again and again and again. It's time to go and what do the wives do? Okay, I agree, it's time to go. Now, I'm not saying it's wrong for Jacob to bring in his wife to the conversation, no doubt he needed to do that, but they weren't the ones who could fix the problem. What it really shows us is that he really should've been having this conversation to Laban's face, year after year after year after year, and yet there seems to just be an avoidance of all that, and he is talking to people instead of talking to the person who could make it right, okay? Here's what I found in my own life. Probably true in yours as well. When we get frustrated, we just become a little bit more loose-lipped, right? Like you get to that same coffee maker in the office, and how are you, well, I'm fine, but Sheila did this, or I'm fine, but Joe, you know what he did to me yesterday? And then we're just pouring that coffee, we're just all over the cup, wouldn't even know.

We're so angry, we just get loose-lipped, and we talk to people instead of talking to the person. Here's a good way to think about it. Anybody ever complained about your boss, but not to your boss? Anybody ever gone out on a girl's night or a guy's night, and you complained about your spouse, but not to your spouse? This is where unmet expectations often come in, of how in the world are you supposed to hit the mark if you don't know what the target is? This can happen, guy or girl, okay, in a relationship, can happen between friends, can happen at work, whatever the setting, but here's, well, let me give you a little, can I speak to all the wives for a second? And I'll say this with all genuineness. I speak for mankind, okay? We don't know. We just don't know. We don't know what you're thinking, we don't know what you want, just tell us. If you'll just tell us, we'll do it, amen, guys? Just, we'll do it, and likewise, your wife could amen as well, all right? Meredith and I just finished premarital counseling with a couple that we know, a young couple that's about to get married, and the last session, because they were having just communication problems, I looked at the young girl, and I said,

hey, you just gotta tell him, you just gotta tell him. I said, we don't know, and I've been married almost 21 years, like I told you, I don't know, I just need Meredith to tell me, and I'll do much better, and we're laughing about men and women on that way, I think we could reverse it as well, and all the wives in the room would say the same thing to their husbands, honey, if you'll just tell me, at least I know them. Hard to hit a target you don't know about. It's true in every relationship in your life, not just marriage, and so don't choose silence over communication, don't talk to other people, and you could talk to the person, right? Here's number four, how about this, not communicating intentions, not communicating intentions. Here's what you're gonna find in this passage. Jacob packs up his family, and he waits for a day when Laban has gone a few days into the pasture to shear sheep, and here's the picture. Everybody look up here, he's like, okay. Okay, okay, let's go, go, go, go, go, go, go, get on the camel, and you're throwing people up there, getting all the kids, and all the wives, and all that stuff, and they're leaving town, okay? Unhealthy to the max, look at verse 20. It says, and Jacob tricked Laban, I want you to underline or circle the word tricked. By not telling him that he intended to flee.

He fled with all that he had, and arose, and crossed the Euphrates, and set his face towards the hill country of Gilead. The word tricked here that I had you circle, here's what it means, it is the word for theft in the Bible. It means to carry off by deception. Literally, in the Hebrew, it means Jacob stole the heart of Laban, it's a Hebrew idiom talking about his intention to deceive. He was intentionally doing it when the father-in-law was away. Like, he is deceiving him in this moment. So, on the one hand, anybody blame Jacob for this? Like, his father-in-law has messed him over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. So, you kind of understand it, Laban's been deceptive, and yet, now you've got Jacob also being deceptive, and here's what I say, Jacob doesn't respond to unhealth with health, or function, you know, with relation to his own dysfunction of Laban's, but he responds unhealth with unhealth, dysfunction with dysfunction, stacks just like we talked about a moment ago, okay? Pattern number five is this, this is gonna hit some of you close. How about playing the victim instead of owning the past? Playing the victim instead of owning the past. Laban gets word that Jacob and his daughters have left, and he pursues them, listen to this, for seven days. He chases Jacob and his daughters.

Kind of a crazy scenario. Verse 27, he finally gets to them and here's what he says to Jacob. Why did you flee secretly and trick me and did not tell me so that I might have sent you away with mirth and songs and tambourine and lyre? He's basically saying, I could have thrown a celebration, could have had a going away party. Verse 28, and why did you not permit me to kiss my sons and my daughters farewell? Now you have done foolishly. You gotta imagine Jacob sitting there listening to his father-in-law and he's like, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Like if you're just like zooming in today, fresh into our church and you just see chapter 31, you have this picture of like an old grandpa on a cane and be like, why did you take my grandkids away? That's not the picture here. You've got a dysfunctional man who has manipulated his son-in-law and his daughters for years and now he thinks that they're the problem. This is a guy who is playing the victim card. Again, like I said, some of you, this is gonna hit you very, very close. Anybody got, don't raise your hand because they may be next to you. Anybody got somebody in your family

who always plays the victim card? Always makes you feel bad. You always end up having to apologize. You're like, listen, I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm sorry for, but I'm sorry. That's a person who plays the victim card. This is by Laban, a complete ignoring of a years-long pattern of deception. And so now, you ever heard the term blame shifting? Blame shifting is this, everybody look up at me, okay? It is when I should accept the blame, but I am shifting it. Okay, so like I'm at fault, but I want you to feel like you're at fault. That's a person who plays the victim card. And for some of you, you're like, okay, this is not really true in my own life. I don't have anybody like this in my family. Others of you, if you got a victim in your family, you're like, bro, I need counseling just for this pattern right here. Here's what I tell you. Godly people who know Jesus Christ personally and are walking intimately with him, we don't do that. We don't play the victim. We don't blame shift, own up to mistakes. Because guess what? Every one of us, including the preacher, we're all gonna make mistakes in communication, make mistakes in our life. We gotta own up to our sin, repent,

make it right with other people. I often say it this way. You gotta make it right with God vertically, make it right with other people horizontally. Does that make sense? That's pattern number five. Pattern number six, won't spend a lot of time on, it's lying to avoid consequences, okay? Lying to avoid consequences. There's a story that's told through a couple of verses. Basically, Rachel, when they are in a hurry to leave, she steals Laban's household gods. We believe these were like probably little figurines that Laban would worship. And we're not even told why she takes them. Was it just like to stick it to her dad? Was she planning on worshiping these little gods? You know, we don't know. But then her dad's freaking out like, somebody stole my gods. And she's like, I don't know. Just lying to avoid consequences, okay? That's all you need to know about that, all right? Pattern number seven. Man, this is a big one. How about outburst of anger? Outburst of anger. Jacob is that boiling pot of water, like I told you. And he finally boils over. And the Bible says that he berates Laban here.

Look at verse 41. It says, when he gets in front of him, he says, these 20 years I've been in your house, I've served you 14 years for your two daughters and six years for your flock, and you have changed my wages 10 times. He's had so much pent up stuff over so many years, and it's finally like a volcano all coming out. I'm not saying he's not right in what he's saying. I'm not saying he's not been wrong. He's just doing it in the wrong way. Here's what I've learned in my own life, okay? Anytime that I have waited and waited and waited and let an offense or a hurt fester, it has never gone well. In other words, when I get frustrated with somebody and over a period of weeks or months or maybe even years, and you just kind of take it and take it, take it, and then you're like, boom, you know, you just kind of explode, that's never good. Anger never produces intimacy in any relationship. It never brings closeness in any relationship whatsoever. Think about the pattern here, okay? Let me like give you something just to write down. When honesty is delayed, anger often erupts. So when you erupt, I think it's a form of blame shifting, actually, where you think they're the problem and so you just let them have it and it feels good for 16 seconds

and then you start to feel bad, right? It's a blame shifting in the yes, they did wrong and yes, you deserve this, but man, there's a way that I could have been honest that would have solved all this. So can I just like point it to your own heart? Who in your family do you need to be honest with today? Maybe it's a friend, maybe it's a work associate. Who in a spirit of gentleness do you need to confront and say, listen, hey, I feel like we need to talk. You've hurt me here. I don't know if you knew that you hurt me, but what you did in X, Y, Z, that hurt my feelings or it hurt me for a long time and I don't want there to be anything between us and so I just need to bring it up to you and you may even need to say, I'm asking you to forgive me because I've had some resentment against you. I talk about tear down the walls of somebody else. Who do you need to be honest with today? There is a right way to confront and part of the reason we often don't confront is we do it wrong in anger or we expect anger in response and what God's word would push us to is in a spirit of gentleness, you go to the person in honesty. You're not fudging the truth. In honesty, sharing what they've done. Matthew 18 right here.

Sharing with them the offense and trying to move towards reconciliation, okay? Let's get into the last one because we'll talk a little bit more on that. Pattern number eight, last one, choosing distance over reconciliation. Choosing distance over reconciliation. Here's the end of chapter 31. You can read it on your own today. Jacob and Laban essentially agree on a covenant or almost like a treaty together and they have like a boundary line. I'm like, hey, you stay over there and I'm gonna stay over there and you're not gonna come over here to harm me. I'm not gonna go over there to harm you and this covenant served as a boundary line between the family. Now, just a little biblical side note here. If you look at this story and you place it within the history of Israel, God used this covenant right here between these two men that was dysfunctional in nature to move forward his plans with his chosen people. You say, God worked in even that? Yes, and here's the great side note for your own life. It doesn't matter how dysfunctional your relationships are. It doesn't matter how dysfunctional the circumstances are. God can still work through them and here's what I'm telling you.

God still is working through them. It's a sovereign thread of his sovereignty through all the pain in your life, through all the dysfunction in your life and if there's one thing that this story wraps up with, it's like God saying this, all right, I'm still moving. Like you think about your own life and you're like, dude, I don't know how God's moving. I don't know where God is and here's what God's saying to you. Hey, still moving. Even when you can't see it, he's working. So we're singing with Waymaker while Wade was singing. You know I call Wade the Wade maker? Today you had the Wade maker singing the Wade maker. How great is Sunday is that, right? Let me, can I give you a word on boundaries here? As we're talking, I don't want you to hear what I just said and think, well, boundaries are bad. Let me give you three quick words on this. Again, for some of you, this is put it in your back pocket for a later time. For others of you, you're like, oh my gosh, tell me right now. I got something weird right now. Okay, word number one here. Boundaries are appropriate when reconciliation has not happened. Boundaries are appropriate when reconciliation has not happened.

You say, what do you mean when you say it has not happened? When repentance is absent, when blame shifting is present, and you know, in all the ways that you could imagine there. When those two things are going on, I would say boundaries can be a helpful guide for troubled relationships, all right? So some of you, you need to leave church today and you've got some dysfunctional relationships that you need to draw a boundary with somebody, okay? Point number two is this. Sometimes boundaries are still appropriate even after reconciliation has happened. Here's the problem with me saying just these general statements today. There are thousands of you and one of me. I don't know your story. I don't know the intricacies of your family. I don't know what they did in the past. I don't know what you did in the past. I don't know any of that, okay? But I do believe this is that you gotta make sure people are safe and protected. And here's what I would tell you. Some of you need to keep the boundaries you put into place even after reconciliation has taken place, all right? Others of you, when that repentance is on the other side of that equation and they're not blame shifting,

but they're saying, man, I own what I've done. I apologize. I was wrong. I was in sin, will you forgive me? For some of you, the boundary needs to be wiped away at that point, and reconciliation totally can happen. Here's a third one, you're not gonna like this one, okay? Boundaries are not a substitute for reconciliation. Boundaries are not a substitute for reconciliation. I think sometimes we say, he's dysfunctional, she's crazy, and so I'm gonna draw a boundary, and we don't do the heart work of forgiveness, and we just rely on the boundary, well, I've just had to create a boundary. You can create a boundary and still be reconciled so much as it depends on you according to the Bible. And so here's what I would tell you, this is why if a person comes to you and they are repentant, and they are not shifting the blame, but they are owning their sin, they're longing for reconciliation, here's my word to you, you need to reconcile if that's the case. This is why you need trusted counselors around you, this is why you need pastors around you, this is why you need to be in a small group with other godly people who can advise you, hey, I think you're good to lose that boundary, but I think this boundary, I would probably still keep in place. Again, I can't advise you in that way

in this kind of setting, but you have people in your life that can. Reconciliation is as much of a heart thing as it is an in-person thing. So I can be totally right with God and with somebody else, even if a boundary remains in place, does that make sense? But I am never to use a boundary as an excuse to not reconcile with somebody and to withhold forgiveness from them and to just live in resentment. Everybody clear on that so far? Now, here's what I would tell you, we'll wrap this up. What I want you to recognize is that these eight patterns are really not communication problems. Now, I've framed them that way because that's kind of what we often deal with in families, but these eight communication problems are not communication at its root. They are heart problems. And again, if you're a follower of Jesus who's not walking intimately with Jesus, you will slide back into the flesh. You will slide back into the old man who's living inside of you. But on the flip side of that, if you are walking intimately with Christ, you will be convicted about doing the opposite of these eight things. Jesus said it this way. He said, for out of the over, excuse me,

out of the abundance of the heart or the overflow of the heart, his mouth speaks. What that means is what is inside will eventually come out. We see that over and over again. A heart that has never been changed by Jesus will do every one of these eight things without a doubt. Your heart will be ruled by anger. You'll be a person who draws lines of division. Why? Because that's very natural to me. It's very natural to you. We're not born perfect. We're born in sin. This is why Jesus Christ had to come and give his life for us for changes like this. And have you ever had your heart changed by Christ? I think one of the ways, and this is just like one of the evidences of scripture, and there's a million of them. But how do you know if you've been saved? Well, in the issues that we've talked about today, you'll be convicted to do the opposite. I call this the contrasting life of the believer. It's too much for you to write down. We'll throw it up here on the screen for you, but you can take a picture of it and write it in your notes later. I'm gonna just read through it really quickly. So as a follower of Christ, we're not deceitful, but we're forthright.

We're not silent, but we're honest. We're not gossiping, but we are confronting in love. We're not hiding intentions, but we're clear communicators. We're not blaming other people, but we are owning our mistakes and our sin. We're not liars, but we tell people the truth. We're not lashing out in anger, but responding in gentleness. We're not drawing lines, but truly reconciling. How do you know if you've been saved? I mean, it's just like one evidence. It's not the only by any means. But if you know Jesus Christ personally, you'll be drawn way more to do these things than the opposite. And you'll find yourself growing in these. If you were to say, well, Nick, you know, I don't really, I don't know how to deal with any of these. I know Jesus, but I don't think any of these eight patterns are not a problem in my life. Okay, whichever one the liar thing was on, that's the one you need to focus on, all right? This is every single one of us who struggles with these eight, okay? Again, why you gotta walk intently with Jesus. Today, if you're here and you'd say, man, Nick, I don't know that I've ever truly given my life to Christ. And as weird as it may sound, a message on how to be a dysfunctional communicator

could enlighten your own heart to your need for Christ. We've had that happen. By the way, at church, where you could hear that God loves you in such a way that you don't have to stay who you are. You don't have to stay in the middle of your sin, but God can forgive you and God can change you. It's the best news ever. That's why we call it the good news of Jesus. And today, if you've never trusted Christ, today that can happen in your life. In just a moment, our staff's gonna make their way to the front, all you gotta do, walk to the guy or girl closest to you from our staff and take them by the hand and say, I need to give my life to Jesus and we'll lead you to faith in Christ today. Maybe you're here today and you say, Nick, I'm definitely struggling with at least one of those, maybe all eight of those. Like I know I'm a Christian, but man, I just got a problem with anger or I got a problem staying silent when I should be honest or any of those others and you just say, I know that I need God to change me. I'm just gonna ask you just to come to the altar and just ask God for help. That's a very normal relationship with Jesus kind of thing. Lord, I'm struggling in this, would you help me? It's like we talked about last week.

You want your own power or do you want God's power? Willpower, Holy Spirit power. Maybe you're here today and you're here with, maybe it's a friend, maybe it's a marriage, like you're here with your spouse. And if you're honest with yourselves, you're like, man, we don't really do that great in this every now and then, we need to grow together. Man, I'm just gonna encourage you just to come and make your way to the altar, get on your knees. Here's what I'd tell you, there's real power. I mean, just in a weird God type way, there's real power when a married couple gets on their knees and prays together, asking God for help in any situation. And I wonder who just here needs to do that. He said, well, all these people, what will they think? Who cares what they think? They don't know what you're praying about. Maybe you're here today and you would say, Nick, I'm on the other side of this dysfunction. Like I really am walking in godliness and healthiness, but I've got people in my life that really cause me pain. And I don't know what's right on boundaries. I don't know what's right in the relationship. But man, I've just got some family stuff or work stuff or friendship stuff that man, I just need to give to the Lord. And why don't you just come, okay? You could be here and you're burdened about something

completely outside of all that we've talked about today, but you need one of our staff to pray with you. We'd love to pray with you. You wanna get on your knees before the Lord? You come and get on your knees for the Lord. But as we do every single Sunday, we build time in the service for this moment right here, that before you head out into the hustle and bustle of the day, I'm just gonna encourage you to do business with the Lord. Just ask him for help, whatever you need. Let's bow our head and close our eyes together. Our staff's gonna make their way right now. If you're here and you need Christ, in a moment, we're about to sing a song. And what you need to know is this is the time, like this is the moment that I'm just gonna encourage you to just say excuse me to the people next to you on your row, they'll let you out. And just to walk the aisle and just to take the hand of one of these people and just say, hey, I need to give my life to Jesus. And today, we'll lead you to faith in Christ. If you've been in any of those other categories of, Nick, I'm a Christian, but man, I need prayer, you know, about this, I'd love for one of the staff to pray for me or man, I just need to get on my knees for the Lord. This is the moment right here where we're just gonna end the service by dealing with what God has told us.

And whatever it looks like today, would you take a step forward in obedience? Maybe it's nothing in this room. Maybe you need to leave this room and make a phone call, set up a meeting for later this week. What does obedience look like for you today? Lord, we trust in you that you are speaking to your people and that you have convicted them about one of the eight patterns or maybe all of them or their need for Christ. Lord, whatever it is, pray that you draw us to you right now. It's in the name of Jesus that we pray, amen.