Why Keeping Score Is Ruining Your Relationships (And How to Stop)

I'm glad we're together today in this space. My name is Mark Cummins. I'm the pastor at Church of Hope. And if you're a regular attender, welcome. So glad that week after week, we join together in this space. And if by chance, this is your first time, I'm really glad that we're beginning our friendship today. Understand that this broadcast literally goes around the world for free. See, we believe that life's at its best when people discover hope in Christ. There are people who give generously so this broadcast can be reached across every continent. If you've never given, I would invite you today to give. You can go to our webpage, hopeinOcala.com and drop down on the giving bar and give a one-time gift. Or you can give generously beyond just today. And if God's blessed you, help us as we give hope around the world. But for now, I want you to open up your heart and your mind. Let Jesus speak to you because what I believe is that when we open up our minds and let Jesus speak to us, life doesn't become perfect and all the problems don't go away, but you experience His presence in you, with you, and for you. Open up your heart. Let Jesus speak to you today. Peace.

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation and all of a sudden you're not listening anymore? You're building a case. You're thinking about all the times that you showed up and they didn't. The times you said it was okay and you actually meant it. And then they took advantage of that over and over again. You're in the past, in the background, trying to recount everything that happened. Now, maybe for you, it's not in an argument or a conversation, but it's this running list in your mind. The times that you did something nice for a friend and they never said thank you. Or you showed up in their crisis and then when you were experiencing a crisis of your own, they were nowhere to be found. There's this ledger that keeps score against the people in your world. And we're in a world built on scoreboards. I mean, sports, social media, business KPIs, and then that proverbial, by this age, you should have experienced or done this, that no one put on you, but you put it on yourself. We're trained to track wins and losses. And somewhere along the way, we brought the scoreboard home into your marriage, your friendships, the relationship with your kids, your coworkers, your neighbors, and even with God silently in your heart,

wondering, God, I've shown up. I've done all the right things. I've been faithful. I'm here at church, but look at my life. And it's exhausting because scorekeeping, it's never settled. It never leaves you satisfied. And you scorekeep because you wanna protect yourself. You don't wanna feel that pain from someone again. So you think if I put up these walls, I'll be protected, but it's not protection. It's a prison, turning those closest to you into your opponents. It's taking you out of the present and locking you in the past. And the cruel thing about scoreboards is it doesn't just stop with the people around you. When you and I keep score, it comes back on us ourselves. That same internal ledger that's clocking everything that they're not showing up as does the same thing for you. When you don't show up how you hoped and wanted to, it's exhausting. Now I know this well because I would call myself somewhat of an expert scorekeeper. You see, I'm an Enneagram one type A personality. So I am wired for justice, for things to be right. I can quickly spot when it's wrong and I want it to be corrected. So today I'm not coming to us from a place of perfection or having this all figured out,

but rather as a woman who is being transformed by God's word and who desperately wants to become more like Jesus. Because God, he designed us to live our best lives, to be satisfied. around with a scoreboard, we will not experience all that He has for us. If you have your Bible, your copy of God's Word, turn with me to Matthew 26. We'll be there in just a few moments. And as we head to Matthew 26, today we're going to unpack a true scorekeeping expert's story in the Bible, Peter, one of Jesus' disciples. As we head towards Matthew 26, there's a couple stories that we're going to look at. There are many examples. Today, we're going to look at just a few. First, in Matthew 18, Peter comes to Jesus and he's asking Him, Jesus, okay, how many times do I need to forgive someone who's hurt me? And then Peter even offers like a suggestion. Like he's like, I'm going to show up and even give you a solution, right? Jesus like seven times, one for every day of the week. That seems like a pretty big number, like seven times, right? And he's patting himself on the back. And then Jesus looks at Peter and he says, no, dude, not seven times, 70 times, seven times. It's crazy. Peter is left speechless. When scorekeepers are around people who don't keep score, they realize what a low road they're truly walking on. Then in John 13, at the Last Supper, before Jesus is crucified, he's gathering with his disciples and he brings out a water basin. He says, I'm going to wash your feet. And Peter says, nope, absolutely not. Jesus, you are not washing my feet. You see, he's looking at Jesus as better than him. Scorekeepers are positional. But Peter, he wanted his feet to be washed. So he's like, Jesus, not you. But then he starts looking around. He's like, what about these guys? He wanted his feet to be washed, but a positional scorekeeper cares who washes their feet. Jesus, he looks at Peter and he says, no, dude, unless I wash your feet, I will have no part with you. So Peter goes extreme. He says, okay, Jesus, not just my feet then, like my whole body, head to toe, wash me clean. And Jesus says, man, I don't have a whole shower with me, just a water basin. We're just going to wash your feet. What's really interesting is there are two specific times in the Bible that a water basin is referenced. The first in John 13, where we're at right now, before Jesus is crucified and he's washing the disciples' feet. But the second is in Matthew 27 with Pilate. So Jesus is on trial before the crucifixion

and Pilate brings out a water basin to wash his hands clean of what's about to happen to Jesus. He's trying to rid himself of all responsibility. That's one instance of the water basin. The second, Jesus brings it out, kneels and is washing his disciples' feet. One water basin, it's self-serving. The other serves others. To be like Jesus, we drop the scorecard. We don't follow Pilate's example. Instead, we turn and we wash people's feet like Jesus did. Now back to the last supper, right before Jesus heads to the crucifixion, he's at this supper and he looks at Peter and he predicts, Peter, you're about to deny me three times. Peter says, me? No, absolutely not. I would never deny you, Jesus. I'm going to the end with you. After the supper, Jesus and several of the disciples, including Peter, go to the garden of Gethsemane and Jesus asks the disciples and Peter, hey, wait right here, stay awake, pray for me while I go talk to my father. So Jesus goes, he talks to God, he comes back and he finds Peter and the guys asleep. The man who moments earlier said, Jesus, I'm going to the end with you. He can't even stay awake to pray. He over promises and he under delivers. Then moments later, the guards come to arrest Jesus and Peter whips out a sword and cuts off a guard's ear. He makes rash decisions. Now we're going to pick up together in Matthew 26, verse 69, and perhaps one of the most gut-wrenching passages in the Bible. Matthew 26, verse 69. Now Peter was sitting outside in the courtyard and a servant girl came to him. You also were with Jesus of Galilee, she said, but he denied it before them all. I don't know what you're talking about, he said. Then he went out to the gateway where another servant girl saw him and said to the people there, this fellow was left with Jesus of Nazareth. He denied it again. with an oath, I don't know the man. After a little while, those standing there went up to Peter and said, surely you're one of them. Your accent gives you away. Then he began to call down curses and he swore to them, I don't know the man. Immediately a rooster crowed. Then Peter remembered the words Jesus had spoken. Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.

And he went outside and wept bitterly. That image of Peter leaving, standing outside weeping in the dark is what happens when life finally calls your bluff after scorekeeping. Maybe you're familiar with that feeling. After promising how you would show up and then not showing up how you wanted to, being left alone with the gut-wrenching feeling of not measuring up to your expectations. But the story, Peter's story, it doesn't end there. And you're in my story, it doesn't end where we find Peter weeping. You see Peter, he disqualified himself. After this, he leaves. He said, I can't do this. I'm keeping score on myself. I am disqualified. But that's not how Jesus responds to Peter. We're gonna fast forward past the crucifixion. Jesus has been buried. It is three days later. And in Mark 16, the women go to the tomb. They find the stone rolled away and angels tell them, hey, Jesus is alive. He's not here. He's risen. And then this is really important detail. The angels tell the women, go tell his disciples and Peter that Jesus is alive.

You see, Jesus, he wanted Peter to know he was alive, that he didn't discount or disqualify him. He didn't lose his discipleship simply because he had done something wrong. Jesus wasn't discounting Peter. Then in John 21, Jesus goes and he meets the disciples. They're out fishing. They come to the beach and they find Jesus making them breakfast. In John 21, 15, Jesus has this conversation with Peter. Here he's called Simon. Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these? Yes, Lord, he said. You know that I love you. Jesus said, feed my lambs. Again, Jesus said, Simon, son of John, do you love me? He answered, yes, Lord. You know that I love you. Jesus said, take care of my sheep. The third time he said to him, Simon, son of John, do you love me? Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, do you love me? He said, Lord, you know all things. You know that I love you. Jesus said, feed my sheep. This is the first conversation that Jesus is having with Peter after Peter had denied him three times. So why would Jesus ask him these three times, Peter, do you love me?

In the ancient Greek language used in the New Testament, there are three words and three meanings for the word love. Two of them are used here. One is the word agape, which is like the highest form of love. The second is phileo, meaning a friendly, brotherly love. So that first time that Jesus asked Peter, do you love me? He says, do you agape love me? Like, do you love me the most? And here I just envision Peter shrugging his shoulders. He responds with phileo, like, I don't agape love you. I fell short, like I'm disqualified, but I love you as a friend. Then Jesus asks him again, Peter, do you agape, the most love me? Again, Peter's looking at him like, I'm not qualified to agape love you. I shrug in his shoulders, but I phileo love you. The third time, Jesus gets on Peter's level. He says, Peter, do you phileo love me? Now I can imagine that third time that Jesus is asking that question, some irritation starts bubbling up in Peter, and then this like exclamation where he's realizing that Jesus is asking him on the same level he's been answering, do you phileo love me? And he's able to look at him and say, yes, yes, I do. I do phileo love you. He sees that Jesus isn't keeping score.

He didn't count him out. He didn't lose his discipleship. On the contrary, Jesus was restoring Peter. Jesus didn't replay Peter. Peter's failures, he rewrote Peter's future. That's the difference between a scorekeeper and a restorer. A scorekeeper says, here's what you owe me. And a restorer says, here's who you can be. This is how much our God loves us. He doesn't keep score, but he restores us to all he designed us to be. So if you and I want to be more like Jesus, we have a decision to make. Will you keep score or will you restore? You can't do both at the same time. You and I have to choose. Will we keep score on people or will we restore them to being who God made them to be? Now the question begs, how? Like, how do you drop the scorecard? Because just saying drop the scorecard is not a helpful strategy. I have tried it, okay? But on Tuesday, when that ledger tries to come back, we need an action plan that we can put into practice. It's more than just willing your way forward. It's taking steps towards dropping the scorecard. First point, first step to dropping the scorecard is to learn, but don't weaponize. Verses that are often read at weddings

and then quickly forgotten when the first argument comes are in 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient. Love is kind. It doesn't envy. It doesn't boast. It's not proud. It does not dishonor others. It's not self-seeking. It's not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. The moment you and I start keeping score, you stop keeping connection. Over the years, my dad has coached me with something that, quite frankly, really irritates me, okay? Every time he brings it up, I'm like, oh no, and I kind of roll my eyes, right? He says, Emily, being right is highly overrated. That frustrates me because I want to be right, and I want them to know that I'm right, okay? But what I've learned the hard way is when I fight to keep score and I fight to be right, I lose what matters the most, the person right in front of me. You can win the argument or you can win the heart, but you can't win both. We learn, but we don't weaponize. Now, this doesn't mean that you just become a doormat. Learn, but don't weaponize. When someone shows you who they are, learn through that,

but you don't weaponize by flinging everything back from the past in their face every time they fall short. Learn and don't weaponize. Let me be clear, we're also not talking about abuse here. It is never okay to abuse another human being. You learn, but don't weaponize by getting yourself to safety and not taking revenge on that person. Learn, but don't weaponize. What we're talking about this morning is that human being who doesn't show up how you wanted them to show up, including yourself, when we fall short of our expectations. And what I'm learning is that nine times out of 10, I learn and don't weaponize by discovering there's something for me to learn about me in this situation. You see, I wanna take a scoreboard and make it all about them, how they responded, how they reacted, how they didn't understand what I was saying. But there's something for me to learn about myself in every situation, how I communicate or don't communicate well, how I set up expectations that maybe aren't fair or okay on the other person. We learn, but we don't weaponize. Something that my parents are teaching me is I'm not surprised by what they do or say. I'm choosing to live a better way. I'm not surprised by what they do or say. I'm choosing to live a better way. You and I, we can't control what people do or don't do,

say or don't say, but we can control ourselves, how we respond. This week, I was reading one of the YouVersion verses of the day, John 3, 17. It's a familiar verse, and as I read it, I was immediately hit with just the hypocrisy I can have in my own life of keeping score on other people. You see, I like to walk in John 3, 16, very familiar verse, often on eye blocks at sporting events. For God so loved the world, He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. We love. John 3.16. John 3.17, if you really want to be like Jesus, this verse is hard to walk in, and often I want to skim right past it. For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Scorekeepers condemn. Restorers drop the scorecard and partner with people to discover in Christ we have hope. First, how do you drop the scorecard? We learn, but we don't weaponize. Second, forgive like someone who's been forgiven. Forgiveness, it's not about the other person. It's not about whether they apologize or they don't apologize. Forgiveness is solely about what Jesus Christ has done for you. We read in Ephesians 4.32, be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you. You cannot earn your salvation and you cannot lose it. It is a free gift from God. God closed the ledger on you. Jeremiah 31.34, for I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sin no more. He remembers it no more. Psalms 103.8-12 in the message says it this way. God is sheer mercy and grace, not easily angered. He's rich in love. He doesn't endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever. He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs. As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. And as far as the sun rises from the sunset, he has separated us from our sins. God remembers your sin no more. He's not managing or monitoring them. He forgets them. Jesus, he didn't die to balance your ledger. He died to erase it.

A few moments ago, we sang this song that's become an anthem. It's very popular. God, I'm just grateful for you. And as we were singing, several of the lyrics really hit me in a different way, thinking about scorekeeping. You see, we sing that, God, man, you gave me chance after chance after chance. And we like to declare that. I like to declare that for me. But am I declaring that for other people? A scorekeeper declares you don't get chance after chance after chance. A restorer isn't even counting chances because they're walking like Jesus. Matthew 6, 14 through 15 says, for if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive your sins. There's a story about a woman who wasn't feeling very well. So she made an appointment with her doctor, goes to the appointment, tells the doctor all of her symptoms, what she's feeling. The doctor prescribes her a medication and sends her on her way. So she sets to the pharmacy, picks up the bottle of pills, all the other supplies that she needs and goes home. Two weeks later, she's not feeling any better. So she calls her doctor and her doctor starts asking some questions. He says, hey, how's the medication working for you? And she says, well, I'm following the instructions perfectly. It says keep tightly closed. She walked around with the bottle of medicine in her purse for two weeks and never opened it or applied the medicine to her life. May that not be true of us in God's forgiveness. As Christ followers, we should be expert forgivers because we've applied the medication of forgiveness to our lives. Sadly, we have the reputation for being experts in our lives. We have the reputation for being expert scorekeepers, logging what other people do and say and don't say. May that not be true of who we are if we're becoming more like Jesus. Forgiveness is not about keeping score. It's about losing count. How do we drop the scorecard? First, we learn, but we don't weaponize. Second, we forgive like someone who's been forgiven. And third, we serve our way forward. Jesus, he didn't come to win. He already won. In Christ, we fight from victory, not for victory. He didn't come to earth to win something, to prove something. He came to kneel. and wash people's feet, he came to serve. Luke 22, 27 says, for who is greater, the one who's at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who's at the table?

But I, Jesus, am among you as one who serves. Let's step back to the Last Supper for a moment when Jesus was washing the disciples' feet. After washing their feet, he says this to them in John 13, verse 12. Do you understand what I've done for you? He asked them. You call me teacher and Lord, and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I've set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly, I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you'll be blessed if you do them. Pastor Mark has taught us that we DWJD. We do what Jesus did. And last Sunday when he was teaching, I had like a light bulb moment when it comes to this idea of DWJD. You see, Pastor Mark was talking about in school, he wasn't a favorite test taker, which I can relate to that. I didn't really like taking tests either. But when the teacher said, hey, open book test, he was like, whew, okay, I know I can ace that one because I can find the answers.

In life, we often ask, what would Jesus do in this situation? And we forget we're living life with an open book test. God has given us his word, the Bible. All we have to do is open it. We know what Jesus would do. Now we just need to do it. We serve our way forward by dropping the scorecard. We don't hold a laundry list of offenses against other people. We serve our neighbors. Maybe when you drive home at the end of a long day and you're just ready to get some ice cream and sit down, kick your feet up, maybe before you pull all the way into your garage and push the button to close the door behind you, maybe you stop and like wave and say hi to your neighbors, see how they're doing, what's going on in their world. Maybe you intentionally invite someone to have a cup of coffee with you who thinks differently, who looks differently than you. And you just ask questions out of curiosity to learn, to grow, to understand who they are. Maybe serving your way forward looks like making a difference on the dream team at Church of Hope. It's not gonna be convenient. It requires time. It requires dropping a scorecard, but you get to be a part of restoring people who every week come on this campus looking for hope.

You can get in the game today by using that Connect card at your seat and our team will connect with you. A woman who modeled this and I knew her from the time I was a junior in high school and now I am gonna be 35 next week. But your mom, Sarah Presley, she modeled what it means to serve your way forward. Sarah, it's over here by you, Linda. And every Monday, I remember Sarah and Miss B, Miss B, I know you're watching online right now. We love you. They would come back to our office, they'd ring the doorbell and then they'd come down to our Hope Kids preschool environment and they would clean all of our preschool toys. Make sure it's the best place for your kiddos to be on Sunday morning. They'd clean, they'd talk, they'd pray. And then they'd head to McDonald's and if it wasn't breakfast time for their coffee and breakfast sandwich, they got the Filet-O-Fish sandwich. I always wanted that every time they told me about it. It's like, I'm gonna go get a Filet-O-Fish sandwich. And mom graduated to heaven. I believe with every fiber of my being, Linda, that when she saw Jesus for the first time face-to-face, she heard, well done, my good and faithful servant. She lived this. She lived this.

I wanna hear those words one day too. Those are words that many of us we hear and we've said, well done, my good and faithful servant. But you only hear that when you live that. And like Sarah knew, serving means dropping a scorecard, kneeling, taking that water basin and washing people's feet. That's what it means to serve your way forward. Jesus didn't replay Peter's failings. He rewrote and he restored Peter's future. And Jesus is doing the same for you and for me today. Pastor Marcus. taught us that God forgives the nightmares of your past so you can reclaim the dreams of your future. Will you be a person who keeps score or will you choose to restore? Dropping that scorecard, reminding the people around you of who God made them to be. Grace, grace actually begins where scorekeeping ends. That's where grace starts. So you and I, we can drop the scorecard and we can follow Jesus. Let's choose to restore, not keep score. I'm glad we're together today in this space. My name is Mark Cummins. I'm the pastor at Church of Hope. And if you're a regular attender, welcome. So glad that week after week, we join together in this space. And if by chance, this is your first time, I'm really glad that we're beginning our friendship today.

Understand that this broadcast literally goes around the world for free. See, we believe that life's at its best when people discover hope in Christ. There are people who give generously so this broadcast can be reached across every continent. If you've never given, I would invite you today to give. You can go to our webpage, HopeInOcala.com and drop down on the giving bar and give a one-time gift. Or you can give generously beyond just today. And if God's blessed you, help us as we give hope around the world. But for now, I want you to open up your heart and your mind. Let Jesus speak to you because what I believe is that when we open up our minds and let Jesus speak to us, life doesn't become perfect and all the problems don't go away, but you experience his presence in you, with you, and for you. Open up your heart. Let Jesus speak to you today. Peace.