Why Is It So Hard to Trust People Again? | Proverbs 18:13 | Dr. Henry Cloud

Come on, let me see your hands together. Look at your neighbor and say, I'm ready to praise. Now look at your other neighbors and say, I'm ready to praise. Clap your hands, all you people. Shout for joy, let us celebrate. Come on, come on, I know you got it. Enter in with thanksgiving. That's how we get in. By his blood he has made a way. All right, now we sing. Sing praise, sing praise, sing praise to the Lord, for he is worthy praise. Come on, sing praise, sing praise to the Lord, for he is worthy praise. It's good to be at the house of the Lord. He's the high king of heaven. Amen. And our hearts are his dwelling place. Thank you, Lord. We've been brought into freedom. For our Savior has shaped the grave. We sing. Sing praise, sing praise, sing praise to the Lord, for he is worthy praise. Sing praise, sing praise to the Lord, for he is worthy praise. Come on. Sing praise, sing praise, sing praise to the Lord, for he is worthy praise. Come on, come on.

Sing praise, sing praise to the Lord, for he is worthy praise. All right, now look at your neighbor and say, I'm about to turn up. Come on, church. There's joy in the house of the Lord today. And this is how we do it. We clap our way in. We dance our way in. We shout our way in. We come in grateful. We clap our way in. We dance our way in. We shout our way in. We come in. We clap our way in. We dance our way in. We shout our way in. We come in grateful. We clap our way in. We dance our way in. We shout our way in. We come in grateful. We clap our way in. We dance our way in. We shout our way in. We come in grateful. We clap our way in. We dance our way in. We shout our way in.

We come in grateful. Praise, sing praise. Sing praise to the Lord. Oh, he is worthy. Praise, sing praise. Sing praise to the Lord. Oh, he is worthy. Praise, sing praise. Sing praise to the Lord. Oh, he is worthy. Praise, sing praise. Sing praise to the Lord. Oh, he is worthy. Come on. Amen. It's so good to be in the house of the Lord. Look around the room for just a second. You are not alone. The Lord sees you. But I want to encourage you just to take a moment and remind yourself that you are not alone today. That there is a body of believers even now in this space to sing with you, to bear your burdens with you. What a joy it is to be in the house of the Lord. Amen? Amen. And we are here, friends, to continue praising a risen Savior. We celebrated Easter last week, but guess what?

The tomb is still empty today. And he got up out of there just like he said he would. We can celebrate King Jesus overcoming death on Saturday and Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday. Amen. We focus on the name of Jesus now. There is something that changes when we speak his name. Does anybody know about that? Things shift when we speak the name of Jesus, and it's not the way it sounds. It's not how loud we say it. It's because there is a person and a God behind that name, the one who died on that cross, the one who overcame that grave, the name of Jesus. Let's practice it now. Can you repeat it? Repeat after me, just say Jesus. Come on church, say it again, Jesus. Shout it over your family, say Jesus. Shout it over your workplace, Jesus. Come on, shout it over the city, Jesus. Shout it over your body, Jesus. There is power in the name. Everything changes in your name. Let's be reminded of the authority we have. In Jesus' name as we sing. It's the only name that saves. And it's worthy of all praise.

I have a king. With dominion over all. He holds the keys. In his holiness lies. He is the key. Yes, he is. That has crushed the serpent's head. Our resurrected King. Come on, let's do it. I call you Jesus. I call you, I call you dealer. Risen and reigning in power. Something comes out of the grave. Every time I call you Jesus. I call you, I call you savior. Worthy of glory forever. Something comes out of the grave. Every time I call you. Come on, sing. Chains break. Drive on break. Every time I call your name. The gates of hell shake. Every time I call. Come on, sing chains. Chains break. Drive on break. Every time I call your name. The gates of hell shake. Every time I call your name.

Bread kiss the flames. Everything's come alive. Everything's come alive. Everything's come alive. Everything's come alive. Everything's come alive. Everything's come alive. Chains break. Everything's come alive. Everything's come alive. I call you Jesus. I call you. I call you, Jesus. Hazel and rain and powder. Something comes out of the floor. Every time I call you Jesus. I call you. I call you, Savior. Worthy of glory forever. Something comes out of the grave. Every time I call your name. Every time I call your name. Sing, I call you Jesus. Ah, come on, lift your voice. Keep. Prison and rain and powder. Something comes out of the grave. Every time I call you Jesus. I call you. I call you, Savior.

You're worthy of glory forever. Something comes out of the grave. Every time I call your name. Every time I call your name. Christ alone. I hold you. ♪ Is built on nothing less ♪ ♪ Than Jesus' blood and righteousness ♪ ♪ I dare not trust the sweetest frame ♪ ♪ But wholly trust in Jesus' name ♪ Come on. ♪ In Christ our God ♪ ♪ He is Lord, Lord of all ♪ ♪ Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all ♪ ♪ He is Lord, Lord of all ♪ ♪ When darkness seems to hide its face ♪ ♪ I rest on His unchanging grace ♪ ♪ In every heart, in stormy day ♪ ♪ My anchor holds me there ♪ That's right. ♪ Yes, my anchor holds me there ♪ ♪ Christ our Lord, the cornerstone ♪ ♪ He makes strong in the sacred throne ♪ ♪ Strong through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all ♪ ♪ He is Lord, Lord of all, He is Lord of all, Lord of all ♪ ♪ The moment shall come with trumpet sound ♪ ♪ Oh, may I then in Him be found ♪ ♪ Dressed in His righteousness alone ♪ ♪ Faultless stand before the throne ♪ Come on, every voice sing that.

♪ Christ our Lord, the cornerstone ♪ ♪ He makes strong in the sacred throne ♪ ♪ Strong through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all ♪ ♪ He is Lord, Lord of all, He is Lord of all, Lord of all ♪ ♪ In Christ our Lord, the cornerstone ♪ ♪ He makes strong in the sacred throne ♪ ♪ Strong through the storm, He is Lord, He is Lord of all ♪ ♪ He is Lord, Lord of all, He is Lord of all, Lord of all ♪ ♪ Oh, Christ our Lord, the cornerstone ♪ ♪ He makes strong in the sacred throne ♪ ♪ Strong through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all, Lord of all ♪ ♪ He is Lord, Lord of all, He is Lord of all, Lord of all ♪ ♪ He is Lord, Lord of all, He is Lord of all, Lord of all ♪ Well, CrossPoint, we are still celebrating all that God did this Easter. It was amazing. And it really, the conclusion of something really special for the first time ever as a church. We've walked verse by verse through an entire book of the Bible. And I'm gonna say, I loved it. I love hearing story after story about how God has used it to shape our church, to grow faith, to deepen faith. If that has been true for you, I'd love to hear about it. In fact, as we close down the series, I wanna encourage you to let us know. And as we close down the series, we had a chance to sit down with a couple of Bible professors.

And we got to have a conversation about the gospel of Mark, about the. the ending to the Gospel of Mark and what it looks like to study Scripture in this way. And it was such a rich and deep and meaningful conversation, and you can find it on the Crosspoint podcast this week. And the best part about it is that we're not stopping. So next week, we're going to begin a brand new journey through the book of Acts. And this is going to be a year-long conversation about purpose and about power and about the presence of God in your life. Because God has a plan for you. He has purpose for you. And the question is, how do you find it? How do you become who you were made to be so you can do what you were made to do? And we have a world who desperately needs a move of God. And we're going to discover what it looks like for God to move in you and for God to move through you. Before we step into that, today is something really special. We have the honor of hearing from Dr. Henry Cloud. Now he's a clinical psychologist. He's a leadership expert. He's a best-selling author. What I love most about him and what I appreciate most is how he brings together what's going on in our minds and our emotions with the truth of Scripture in a way that is incredibly practical, especially in relationships. And I've personally benefited from his wisdom and his writing over the years, both as a leader and as a follower of Jesus. And I believe that God has something special for you today. So I want to encourage you to lean in, ask God to speak to you, and be ready to receive. And would you help me give a cross-point welcome to Dr. Henry Cloud. Good morning.

What are y'all doing sitting here when all the prep for the masters is showing right now? We got any golfers in the room? I told you. They're all at home. I got to ask you a question. They called in the psychologist. What's wrong with y'all? Anybody got any issues? Let me see your hands if you've got some issues. Always ask this. Raise your hands. Okay, that's good. Now, some of you didn't. If you don't have any issues that you're working on, raise your hand. I want to see who's out there. Where? Somebody over here? We got one? Somebody. I always ask, because I like for that person to stand, because it's really important for everybody else to be able to recognize what denial looks like in this place. Very, very important. We're going to talk about an issue this morning that is, I'm sorry to say, the most important, but you can't ever really say that. You know, the one thing, right? I was doing a workshop one night on parenting, and a lady raised her hand and said, Well, if you could just say there's one thing, if there's one thing that parents have to do to have successful kids, what would that be? And I said, Well, there's not one thing.

And she said, But if you did say just one thing, what would it be? I said, There's not one thing. She said, But if ... Okay, okay. I would teach them to grow up and not ask stupid questions. I mean, you want air, water, or food, pick one, right? And there are some things like that, that God has told us, that there's kind of in this group of really, really up there. It's very important to making our relationship with Him work and making our relationships with each other work. And today, we're going to talk about one of those, that if there were one thing, this might be it. And that issue is trust. We're going to talk about how it works, how it gets broken, how to earn it, how to repair it. And we'll start with a question. Has anybody in here ever been let down by somebody that you really trusted? Okay, now the hands will go up, right? That's a human experience. And when trust gets dinged, and sometimes in very big ways, and sometimes in smaller ways, but significant ways, it hurts somebody. And usually it hurts the relationship. So we're going to look at that, and what we're going to end up doing is I'm going to give you a little GPS for trust and the things that kind of load on making it work. And I'm going to start with this, just to get a picture of how important this is. Trust basically fuels all of life. Without trust, life just can't work at all. I was on an airplane one time, which is a bad thing. Bad thing if you're a psychologist, you don't ever want to, you know, you sit down and somebody says, oh, what do you do? You don't want to say you're a psychologist because you're in for a four-hour session.

You're not even going to get paid for it. You're going to hear about everything. But I was off my game that day and I said, I'm a psychologist. He said, what are you working on? I was on my computer and I said, I'm doing some research on trust. And the guy goes, well, I don't trust anybody. I said, really? He said, absolutely not. I learned a long time ago, you can't trust people. They'll let you down every time. I only trust myself. And I said, well, I am a psychologist and you're crazy. And he said, what are you talking about? I said, literally, you are psychotic. You know, psychotic means you're out of touch with the reality. So I said, because you do trust, he said, no, I don't. I said, dude, look out the window. You're at 40,000 feet. Did you get yourself up here? No, you're trusting somebody up there in the cockpit. You don't even know their name. What about the guy who's supposed to put gas on this thing? How do you know he didn't fill it up with chocolate milk? Don't tell me you don't trust people. See, trust makes everything work. But then I said to him, but I bet if I heard your story with what you're saying, you don't trust anybody. I bet that we would play the video and see some significant ways in which you've been hurt. And I got time, so tell me how that happened.

And you see this path of things that were broken and in his history. So we have to make this work. But it's not just to turn the trust on, because as we're gonna see, there are times to trust and people to trust and people not to trust. And we're gonna give a little map for that, I think, and some things that God has laid out for us. So how many of you ladies have had babies? Okay. You remember that first moment when your baby was born and the doctor and nurse handed you that little infant and you looked in their eyes? Remember what they said to you? Anybody remember? Remember that? They said, oh, mom, I'm sorry. Was that hard on you? No, that's not what they said. What they said was something like Jesus described hell looking like. Remember when he described hell? There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. That's what that baby said to you. Wee, wee, wee, wee. And there's just like, that is a picture of hell. Literally. For this reason, hell is not a place where there's a cessation of life. Life doesn't stop.

It is a place where there will be a separation from life and an existence where there's no life connected to someone. That infant was experiencing for the first time in his or her existence, being separated from life. For nine months, they'd been connected in a very trusting environment. They didn't even think about it. They're just swimming around, riding the wave and maybe she had a ribeye or something. And just careless. I love that word about trust. If we trust someone, we can be careless. You don't have to guard yourself. You don't have to watch your back. You just not worry about it. Spouse goes on a trip. She's glad. She gets to hang out with the girlfriends, right? She's not checking his locations or his texts or careless. That's what trust does. But something very significant begins to happen in those early, early days. In that connection with that mother or that caretaker and that infant, there is a connection, something called attunement where there's an experience of I'm not alone. Somebody is with me. And through the way that God has wired this deep through mirror neurons and all the neurological systems

that are nonverbal through tone and presence, that connection begins to build because that infant system opens up and leans in. and begins to take in life again from the outside. And we know that infants that, you know, you feed them and water them, but if there's no connection, no trusting attachment, what happens to them? A lot of them in institutions that didn't have secure attachment in the beginning, they're adopted later and they have behavior problems. They take pictures of their brains. There's literal black spots up there where the wiring did not grow. The hard wiring didn't grow from that lack of a trusting connection. Their body weights are less. Their immune systems don't work as well. Their intelligence is slower. This starts early. Now, the good thing is that's repairable or reparable, and it's reparable in us if you've had broken trust as well, but some certain things have to happen for that to occur. So as we go through this, I want you to listen with two sets of ears. You have two ears, so just multitask. That was kind of a joke. Yeah, one ear I want you to hear is I need to look at myself. Jesus said, take the log out of our own eye first

before we look at whomever. But the other ear, it is very important that you are looking at people and evaluating. You can evaluate without judging and condemning, that you're evaluating who you are going to trust in what context and for what. So that's kind of what we're gonna do today. I'm gonna give you a little map. Number of years ago, most of my work nowadays is I work with CEOs and high performers and kind of in businesses. And I got called into a situation where it was a global entity that you would all know the name of, and it was basically about to blow up because there was a big breach between the chairman of the board and the CEO, and half the board was on the chairman's side and half the board was on the CEO's side and it was divided and the whole thing was about to blow up, and they called an emergency board retreat. And my job was to come in and try to help them fix this. So we locked ourselves up in this hotel for a weekend and started out, and it was cordial, but it was tense. You had half the board, you could tell by their faces who was on what team, right? And so I said, well, I just wanna start and see if we can start from the same set of facts. And I wanna hear from the chairman and the CEO

kind of about the last year and what's transpired. And so the chairman starts to talk. And pretty soon into it, he would say something and the CEO would go, well, no, that's not right. It didn't happen like that. And a few minutes later, he would say, no, it wasn't that bad. But there was this pattern emerging pretty quickly where when one of them would talk, the other would invalidate what they were saying or minimize or negate. And it happened enough to where I could see this is part of what's going on here. And you could see it. So we're about 10 minutes into this and the chairman stops. He takes his portfolio and he closes it. He looks at the board. He says, I'm done here. You guys can have it. Good luck. And I mean, everything went silent. And I'm sitting there thinking, what do I do? I mean, we're supposed to be here all weekend. This thing is over, we're 10 minutes into it. And he literally gets up and starts walking out of the room. And that was gonna be bad. I mean, hundreds of thousands of lives would have been affected. Gazillions of dollars, this thing blew up.

And I literally didn't know what to do. I don't know what possessed me. I don't remember thinking about any strategy. All I know is my body got up and ran to the door and I sat down in front of the door and I blocked him. And he comes up and I said, look, you can walk out that door. But if you do, you will have said in. to motion a chain of events that can't be undone. So I just want you to do me one favor. He said, what? I said, sit down. Now I guess when a crazy person tells you to do something, you do it. For some reason, the guy sits down on the floor. And I said, I just want to ask you a question. When he does what he was doing there, what's that like for you? And he looks at me and he goes, all right, I'll tell you. And he started to talk. As he started to talk, he said, kind of reviewing stuff, he starts to talk, and his chin starts quivering. And then he can barely talk because of the pain that's emerging that happened in that relationship over the course of a year. And as he's trying to talk with his pain, I see movement over here, and I look over, and the CEO is walking over.

Now I really don't know what's gonna happen. But he sits down on the floor next to him. And he puts his hand out, puts it on his shoulder, and he says, I never knew I made you feel that way. I would never want to do that. I am so sorry, I never knew I made you feel that way. And the chairman looks at him, and I could tell, maybe we got a moment here, so I said, hold on, guys. And I asked everybody else to leave, and we sat there for about an hour and a half. At the end of the hour and a half, the two men walked out into the foyer to the board and said, okay, you guys, I think we can go forward. You guys come back in. Now, it took about a year of a lot of work to get that working. They had about a good 10 or 15 year run together after that. So, how did that happen? See, this chairman and this board, they had recruited that CEO a year and a half prior. I mean, they were in love. They looked all over the world, and this is our guy. And how do you go from that to that? Because the elements of trust begin to break down, sometimes by very good people. How many of you have ever been to a wedding? Come on, guys, at least remember yours. You're thanking. How many of you have ever sat there, and you're watching this wedding,

and this couple's looking into each other's eyes, and one of them says, I can't wait until I hate your guts, and we only communicate through our attorney. I can't wait for that day. You've never heard that, right? Because nobody plans for it, but it happens. It happens in families. It happens in businesses. It happens in friends. What we're gonna try to answer this morning is how does it happen, and how do you keep it from happening? What broke down in that relationship? Well, a number of things, but the first element of trust is we trust someone when we feel like they get me. They understand me. There's a lot of words for this. They hear me. They see me. They connect with where I'm coming from, what I'm experiencing. What I am experiencing matters to them, and we're known. You ever been in a situation, maybe at work, and somebody's gotta go talk to the boss, and the team says, you go do it, and there's some issues, and they send somebody in, and she goes in, talks to the boss, comes back. They say, what'd they say? She goes, he didn't get it. He said, I really listened.

This is a big deal. Psychologists call this attunement, but it basically has to do with listening and hearing. Let's go to God's word, Proverbs 18, 13. One who gives an answer before he hears, literally before some persons say understands, it is foolishness and a shame to him. To tell somebody what you think about what they're saying before you've really heard all the layers and what that's like for them, it is a fool's errand, even if they're wrong. Even if you disagree and here's why Somewhere else in the Proverbs it's in Proverbs. It says a person's heart is like deep waters Translated that way other translations go to the word. Their heart is deep intentions and The person of wisdom draws them out So you don't even know what you're dealing with that. You might have to deal with the issue may not be the issue And you don't even know how you're gonna even if in a negotiation when If you don't listen to what their real needs are what's driving this because you can't answer this They teach this all the time. I was talking about this in a leadership event one time And a guy walks up to me Afterwards he says I'm the lead hostage negotiator for the FBI Everything you just said is exactly our whole training program You've got to listen with deep empathy to find out I'm the guy that goes in he says well The guy's got a bomb strapped to him in a bank 40 hostages, and I got to talk him out of that Said we don't walk in and say dude. This is a bad idea This doesn't end well, he said now we walk in say him I'm so-and-so and They sent me in here to Talk to you. What what's your name? And they get a name and then he says

So tell me Joey How do we end up here today, how'd we get here and we just listen just listen We Trust Someone when we feel like they understand didn't have to necessarily be agree, but they understand They've heard we feel heard Handful years ago three or four years ago for ish I Was why we lived in LA at the time. I live here now and This is a good place Go to Nashville There's so much good here you guys ought to be grateful to live here, but and I loved LA too, but the The thing that happened was my my my left knee was getting really bad I had a lot of pain But I was still up and around and trying and and I was on Santa Monica Pier one day and I fell out in pain And I couldn't move I literally couldn't stand so long story short went to the ER They drugged me and I got started looking for a knee surgeon To and so I asked around and everybody says you gotta go so-so. This is the guy and everybody's got their guy, right? so I go see somebody's guy and I go in and he comes in and He He says I am dr. So-and-so, let's look at your films here and your MRI and he goes, oh, yeah He says you need a total knee replacement That's the only thing that's gonna fix this and I said, well, how do you know he said I'll never forget this he said Cuz that's what I do. I Understand what's going on here? And if you don't get this thing replaced, there's no other way to fix it If anybody ever tells you anything different they're wrong. So let's get it scheduled. Hi. It's nice to meet you. He starts to walk out It's about that long. I Said hey doc. Hold on say you said what I said, but that that's that's all I mean, you don't don't you want to look at it?

He says no, I understand what's happening here. Let's get scheduled. It's good to meet you. He walks out Well, I'm not hitting the trust button yet Now he might have understood But I didn't feel understood So I'm talking to a buddy of mine. It was a heart surgeon in Little Rock and He said so you've been playing golf late I grew up competitive golfer and played competitive golf my whole life and I said no I can't play because of our knee and I started telling about it. He says, oh you got to come here I go to Little Rock. I'm living in LA. He go. No, the guy is here. I Said well the guy is in LA because I just saw the guy he says no no, no You got it. And so he starts talking. I said Fred. I'm not going to Little Rock. I live in Los Angeles Somebody knows how to fix a knee here They got the Lakers and they got the Rams. Somebody knows how to do he says no you got a car he said I'm gonna have him call you so so he calls me and He he said yeah, yeah Fred sent me your your films How are you walking around I said I can't he said this thing is he said tell me when did the pain start And I started telling And he said, well, does it radiate up or is it constant or when does, and he's just listening. All of a sudden, I'm feeling different. And he starts to explain all this. And he said, you can come back here and have it done. He said, I'll send you a, Terry Bradshaw just flew here and had his done. He lives in LA, he went back. I said, well, let me, I'm gonna think about it. I'm not going to Little Rock. So I go get a third opinion. So I got to get one more.

So I go into this guy and he was nice and he listened and all of that and very empathic. And then after a little bit, he goes, hey guys, come on in here. And three residents came in. It was in one of the big teaching hospitals. And he goes, look, see this guy's knee. Now, I want you to feel the way it moves right here. That movement right there, that's what our research paper is on. And that's what we'll be presenting at the colloquium next week. We're gonna use this guy as a subject and we're gonna take his numbers and put it up. And I'm sitting there going, hey, I'm here too. And I call back to my Little Rock guy. And when I called him, here's what he said. He said, I'm glad you called back. He said, because I've been reading about you and friends telling me about your golf history. And he said, we got to get you back on the golf course. And you got two daughters, what they're in their early 20s. They're gonna start having kids. You got to be out romping with grandkids. And he starts painting this vision for my life. And he was getting more excited about me being able to walk again than whatever the insurance company was gonna pay him. I said, all right, I'm going to Little Rock.

Why? Because the first doctor flunked this one. Dr. Barnes got it. But the third guy flunked the second one. And that is, what is somebody's motive? What's their intent? When we trust somebody, why are they in this relationship? Or why are they offering what they're offering? I was gonna be a research subject for him. It was all for him. But my Little Rock guy, I felt like it was for me too. Philippians 2 says this. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. And you can feel this in a relationship when somebody has your interests in mind with whatever's going on. They got your back. They want it to work for you. This is how great businesses work. They have longstanding relationships with vendors and investors and banks and employees, because they know, even when I'm not there, they're watching out for me. We feel this very, very deeply. When somebody, you just know they want the best for you. And there's nothing wrong with having our own interests. But we've gotta make sure the other person knows we're taking their interests into account all the time in our relationship.

John Gottman, the great marriage researcher, says that a betrayal is when one party in a relationship does anything without taking into account how it's going to affect the other party. I learned this when I got married. Why are you laughing? You're already dreaming up stories about how bad I was, aren't you? Here's what I learned. Buddy of mine would call and say, hey, can you play golf Saturday morning? I'd look at my calendar, yeah, I can. There's a better way to do it when you're married. I might be able to. Let me check with Tori and see what she's got going on and what's happening with the family. See, whatever we're doing, just be mindful. How's this gonna affect somebody else? By the way, I end up getting to play a lot of golf when I do that. That was a joke too. So, doctor number two, or the second part of this about the motive, you know, he's got me, when I call him, I feel his motive is for me. Now, what if on that phone call, I'm decided I'm going back to Little Rock. What if he had said, you know, I am really excited to do your knee replacement because I'm an OB-GYN, I've never done one of these before. Okay, now we're back, and the green light is off, and now we're way back because that would have flunked the third one, competency, ability. Do they have the ability to pull off what I'm entrusting them to do? And this gets very contextual, people.

I know a lot of people that have a really good friend, they truly understand each other, they've got great motives, and they hang out, and their spouses love each other, they go, you know what, we had so much fun together, why don't we go into business together? So they quit their jobs, and they start a company, and both of them had successful careers. Again, this company, about six months down the road, one of them's going, he's a really good friend, but he wouldn't know a P&L if it hit him in the face. He has no ability to run a business, and now I'm tethered because they didn't look at the specific ability that's required for what I'm entrusting to them. A friend of mine called me, he said, I need some advice, and I said, what, he said, well, my daughter's boyfriend called me and wants to take me to dinner. He said, I know what this means. He's going to ask for her hand in marriage. I said, well, that's great. He said, well, what do you say at that dinner? I said, well, I have two daughters, I know what I'm going to say. He said, what, and I said, I'm going to tell him to bring his last two years' tax returns and his credit report. And he laughed. He said, yeah, right. I said, I am dead serious. He said, no, you're not. I said, I promise you I'm dead serious. He said, that's so intrusive. I said, look, he can white out the numbers. I don't care what the numbers are. I just want to know if he can find them. Do they even exist? And here's why. The job description of a boyfriend that's very loving and caring is very different than the job description of a husband.

That takes some other abilities. And this is true in business. I've gone into companies before for CEO coaching. What's going on with our CEO? He's been here about a year, or he's been CEO about a year, and we're just not getting the results, and the morale's different, and he needs some coaching. I said, well, how'd he get to be the CEO? And they said, well, he was our COO for 10 years, and he was awesome. And then our CEO retired, and we made him CEO. And I said, well, where'd he get the E? They said, what do you mean? He wasn't the CEO. He was the COO. Where did he get the E? They said, we promoted him. I said, but where did he get the E chip? It's going to allow a great COO to be a great CEO. Where are those abilities coming from? Because what I see when I hear your story, I see a company that's now being operated very well, but not being led. So when we're trusting somebody, we got to ask, do they have what Proverbs 22 says, do you see a person skilled in his work, skilled in that ability? They'll stand before kings. Who do kings trust? Very important things. He won't stand before obscure people. So when we're asking somebody to trust us, we got to make sure we have the ability to pull off what they're asking and vice versa. So Dr. Not OB-GYN, he wasn't an OB-GYN. I started checking up on his abilities.

Well, I found out he was the, at that time, the current president of the American Association of Joint Replacement Surgeons. He held patents on the devices, the implants. He had designed a bunch of them and he flies to LA to train the doctors at the big places where I went. But you know what really pushed it over the edge? He has a lab with the PGA tour for golfer's knees. I'm going to Little Rock, baby. All right, so what if I agree to that, I fly back there, and all of a sudden, you know, we have the exam, first day, and, you know, he said, all right, we'll operate in the morning, let's, you know, let's walk out and get it all scheduled. So we walk out, and what if we walk out in the hall and there's a dead body lying in the hallway, blue, and I go, doc, what's, he goes, well, that's the guy, that's the guy I operated on yesterday, I mean, it didn't go so well, but I'll do better with you, oops, what's the track record, what's the track record? What happened the last time? See, we build mental maps with people. What happens when a teenager goes into a parent and says, I did this, or I got this problem, and the parent goes, you know, well, after all I've taught you, what are you, and they go off on them. Well, they're building a map of what it's like to tell mom or dad about a problem, and they're not going to go back, they're going to go find somebody that listens, and the person that listens may not be who mom or dad wants them getting advice from. We build a track record, and you can make a mistake, I mean, if Susie's not there at nine o'clock at a meeting, everybody goes, where's Susie, and they go, she's not here, they wait until 9.05, she's not there, everybody goes, you know, we better call, and you know why, Susie's always on time, and if she's not there, something's wrong. They get concerned by a mistake. If Joey's not there at nine, somebody says, well, let's wait a little bit, you know, a few minutes for Joey, they go, we're not waiting on Joey, he'll be here, he'll come sometime,

because Joey's got a track record, too. Tori and I were invited to go down to South Louisiana, friends of ours started a church down there, and this is for GPS on your phones, and so we had directions, and had a map, and flying to New Orleans, we called and said, where do y'all live, and they said, we're 60 miles south of New Orleans, you on a boat, well, we found out, you know, there's swamps and all that, it kind of goes this way, so we're driving down on levees, and we're looking, and they can't find it, so I pull in a gas station, this lady's working there, and I gave her the address, said, you know where this is, she goes, oh, yeah, you're not too far, I said, where, she said, you just keep going down this road a ways, and then you turn right, and it'll be right there on your left, I said, well, how far, she said, well, just a ways, you know, I said, well, how far is a ways, she goes, it's just a ways, it's not that far, I said, well, what's the name of the street, and she goes, I don't know, but you turn right, and it'll be there, I said, but how do I know I'm at the right street, she goes, well, there'll be a big dog lying in the grass, and you just turn right when you see that dog, and it'll be on your left, I go back to the car, I said, Tor, we're looking for a dog, and so we keep driving, and I'm passing turn offs, I'm not seeing a dog, and so after a while, I go, because we had been a ways, and I'm going, we are, we're lost, I'm going to go to the next stop, or turn around and go back, find some different help, so I go to the next turn off, there is a German Shepherd lying in the grass, we turn right, it was right there on our left, how did that woman know that German Shepherd was going to be there, that dog had a track record, he was there every day, look at the track records that we're building, how we respond, how we deliver, in a marriage, in our families, with our friends, with our bosses, with our employees, what can they expect from us? They can expect what they've experienced. And then lastly, I looked up Lowry's track record, you know, you've got all these athletes that have testimonials of his surgeries, and track record was great, but what if we had walked down that hall, and we walked down the hall, and he goes, you know, I got a, this is a teaching hospital, and I'm about to do one of these, and if you want to watch, you know, there's a window, you can watch me do a knee replacement, in about 30 minutes. Well, first of all, there's no way I'm watching this.

there's no way. But what if he had said that and I went to the window and I'm looking in and he starts sawing this guy's leg in half and you know he's doing his work and then all of a sudden he goes, oh no, he's bleeding, the guy's bleeding, somebody do something. He would have flunked number five, which is character. Character. I need somebody with a cool head amputating my leg, cool under pressure. There are certain character traits we need when we trust people for different things. You know we talked about the word character and if you read the book, actually I flipped these accidentally, but this character thing really is somebody's makeup. How are they glued together? Because we can trust somebody for some things because of how they're made up, how they're glued together. Look at what 2nd Peter says, talks about all this character, to all your diligence. In your faith supply moral excellence. And you know a lot of people think that that equals character. Can you trust them? They have good character? Yeah, they would never lie, cheat, or steal. But how many people have you known that wouldn't lie, cheat, or steal and you really wouldn't want to work for them again? What it's these other parts of their makeup. Look at this, in your moral excellence, knowledge. Are they a learner? Do they have self-control? Are they impulsive or have a problem with rage or whatever it is? And in your self-control, perseverance. What do they do when they encounter a problem? Do they bail or do they keep going? In your perseverance, godliness. And in your godliness, brotherly kindness. It's hard to find people that perform well that are also kind and in your kindness, love. And then he says this, for if these qualities are yours and increasing, they do not make you useless or unproductive in your knowledge of Jesus and purification of our former sins. See character is more than outlying, cheating, and stealing. I'll close with this. I had a brother-in-law. We lost him in Iraq in 08. He was a Navy SEAL. And Mark was the brother I never had. I grew up with sisters who were older and they used to beat me up and I always prayed for an older brother, which is a little late to be praying at that time for an older brother. But I finally got my brother and I won the lottery. I mean these SEALs are, if you want a brother and you get a

SEAL, you win the lottery. These guys are insane what they did. Mark, what'd y'all do on that trip? Well, we jumped out of a plane at 40,000 feet, full scuba gear, and went through the oxygen level, hit the ocean. It was pretty cold, but we went down to the bottom and took a nap for about 10 minutes on a rebreather. And then we changed our garb and we boarded one of the bad guys ships and six of us and we captured it and turned around to get to the UN holding station. Then we had breakfast. That's not a big deal to them. I jumped out of a plane once. It was a big deal. But here's the deal. If the bad guys are coming after me, I would call Mark. But if my dog dies, I'm not calling Mark. That wasn't his makeup. He'd say, well, it's just a dog. We'll shoot a bunch of them. You'll get used to it. They die. I'm calling one of my codependent friends. They'll cry with me all night. So context is important. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to look at these five things. Look at what God's Word says about them. And let's develop them in us so people are enriched by being in a trusting relationship with us. But let's be careful who we trust for what we're entrusting them that these five are there. Let's pray. Father, we come to you because we do trust you and you've shown your trustworthiness and your understanding of us. We don't have a high priest who can't sympathize with our weaknesses. For you yourself, it says have been tempted in all things yet without sin. And you came as a baby. You experienced rejection. You experienced everything. And you do understand us. And we know your motives and we know your abilities and your character and your track record throughout the ages. And we trust you. And God, we trust you at different levels. And I pray for a for a magnification and a multiplication of trust in you for everyone here. And some people may be even at the first step of trusting you. And I encourage you if that's you just open your heart and ask God. Ask him. Ask him to help you trust him. Jesus said he knocks at the door. And if

you'll open that door and just trust him, he'll come into your heart and you can start a relationship. And for the rest of us, God, they've been on that path for a long time. I pray that you help us to trust you more. So help us develop these things that God you said be wise in who we trust. Give us all eyes of discernment of when to give trust and when to withhold and help us become trustworthy people more and more. In your name we pray. Amen.