Troubled Friendships

♪♪ Announcer 2 In Touch, the teaching ministry of Dr. Charles Stanley. Next on In Touch, Troubled Friendships. ♪♪ Dr. Charles Stanley When you think about your assets, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? Well, for most people, what comes to their mind are things like their finances and their possessions. But second only to your friendship with God, your friends are the most valuable asset you have in life. Because you see, a friend is a treasure. A friend is someone who loves you. A friend is someone who loves you when you're not very lovable. A friend is someone who will catch you when you fall. Someone who will accept the worst about you and help you to become the best you can possibly be. A friend is someone with whom you can share the deepest experiences of your life every day if you choose to. A friend is someone whom when the world walks out, they're still standing there by your side. And that makes friendships very, very valuable. I read something the other day that I thought was so interesting because it describes oftentimes something that we forget, and that is, it said, make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold. And when you think about friends and how long it takes us to develop real godly friendships, real genuine,

lasting friendships, it takes a while. And therefore, if you're late in life beginning to develop friends, you don't have long to enjoy them, or do they have long to enjoy you? And that's why we need to take care of our friendships. We need to watch over them because the truth is a real, true, genuine friend is a gift of God's mercy to every one of us. And then there are those times, though, that when our friendships have problems, somebody walks out right when you need them. Or you decide that you can't continue that friendship and you decide to walk out. Or it may be that you don't value that friendship enough. And so, therefore, as a result, the friendship just sort of disintegrates and they go their way and you go your way. You don't necessarily decide to do it. It just sort of happens. But it happens for some very specific reasons. And what I want to talk about in this message is simply this. I want to talk about the problems we have in our friendship, problems we have in our relationship. And I want to talk about troubled friendships. I want you to turn to just one verse in the Bible for the simple reason that there are many verses we could talk about and I just want you to look, if you will, in the 16th chapter of the Proverbs and the 28th verse. And notice what he says, a perverse man spreads strife and a slanderer separates intimate friends. And so, oftentimes, we develop friendships that don't last.

We intend for them to last, but they don't. And there are some very, very specific reasons why they do not last. Now, how do you damage this relationship, this fellowship, this friendship? How do you damage that? Well, let's think about how you damage it. And we damage it in ways that probably we don't even realize. And the first way we damage it is this, selfishness. When I'm always looking for something to be coming my way, what can I receive? What can he or she do for me rather than what can I do for them? You see, if you really want to decide whether you love somebody or not, ask yourself the question, am I asking most of the time what they can do for me, how they can meet my needs, or am I primarily interested in how I can meet their need and make them happy and cause them to have joy and help them in their relationship with the Lord or with other people? So, selfishness, you want to damage your relationship? You add that. Secondly is manipulation. Manipulation is simply another word for control. And a person who is trying to control the other person all the time, you can't build. Listen, that will damage a friendship as much as anything. Nobody likes to be manipulated, controlled, underhandedly, backhandedly controlled. Now, people can control each other by manipulating them by finances, by belittling them, or they can manipulate them in

other ways. They can, you can manipulate people sexually. You can withhold sex from your marriage partner to manipulate them to do something for you, which is a cruel way to try to govern or control someone else's life. There are lots and lots of ways you can manipulate someone. It damages a relationship. Then, of course, you can manipulate somebody else. There is jealousy you want to damage your friendship Jealousy says I'm gonna hold tight to what's mine and I don't want anything to look like it's going to intrude Well now if you love someone and you have a genuine friendship, we're not talking about marriage partners now We are people who have a relationship. They're gonna get married and so forth We're talking about just genuine close intimate friends another kind of friends And so if you're the kind of person who cannot stand Anybody to even look like they're gonna be a friend to your friend that will absolutely ultimately destroy a relationship and a friendship So jealousy does not work. It's very damaging then there's criticism You want to destroy a friendship? Then you set your antennas out to find everything you can that displeases you another person the way they dress the way they look the way they talk You look for the ways that they don't they don't live up to your expectation. They don't do what you want them to do They're always too late or too early. It costs too much. It costs too little they weren't thoughtful They weren't this in other words, you know what you want to destroy a friendship You just you just get in that critical mode and this doesn't work and I'm not pleased with that and you criticize them for this Well, you know what happens after a while they walk away. You know why because they can't handle it Your friend will walk away and if your friend is critical towards you it's after a while you think God I can't I don't need this and I can't handle this anymore a Critical spirit is so absolutely unnecessary if you and I were perfect. Okay. Now, is there a time to be critical? Now listen carefully. There is a time when you and I can be critical, but that criticism ought to be criticism Motivated listen motivated by genuine love to help the other person Then there is covetousness now covetousness and jealousy two different things

Jealousy says I'm gonna hold tight what I have don't let anybody even look like they're gonna get in this relationship Covetousness says I want what you have How can you develop a friendship with someone who wants what you have? now Maybe they say well, you know, we are we're friends But they want In other words, it may be that you have more material possessions than they have you live in a bigger house You drive a better car or you dress better or you have a better job now Yeah, it's friendships going on and and all the time deep down inside It's not that they just want something like yours Next thing you know that you we got jealous and covetous. It's all mixed up together Then there is just absolute pure dishonesty and That is you can't trust them. You can't have a relationship with somebody you don't trust. It just doesn't work You have to trust them people make mistakes if they're willing to face it. Yes, you're absolutely right I told a lie I was I was weak at that point or I was afraid or whatever it might be at least deal with it Admit it confess it repent of it say, you know, please forgive me, you know, help me to understand You know, I'm or it may be that you didn't intend to say something but you did but when it's intended That's dishonesty. It'll destroy a relationship So now let's say that you've damaged the relationship that you really and truly value. How do you retrieve it? How do you heal it? How do you get it back together? How do you get the pieces back together? How is there healing and retrieving and rescuing this hindered broken hurtful? Relationship that you really truly cherish how to get it back together. So let's think about it. How do you handle that? Well, the first thing you do is this you address it you say to your friend, you know There's something in our relationship. That's not right. Maybe something I did and maybe I misunderstood But I think we have a problem and I would like for us to at least face it and deal with it I'm willing to do that The second thing it is determine what happened What happened in this relationship What was said?

What was believed what was understood or misunderstood? What did I do? What did he do or she do that is you determine? What is it where and when did it what made it get off track when it was going so well? The third thing is this Apologize you say suppose it's not my fault That's not an issue because it listen if the if the friendship is worth saving it's worth assuming assuming Responsibility whatever responsibility you had maybe you say was totally his or her fault. Let me ask you a question If you love somebody really truly love somebody Does it make any difference whose fault it is? Not really if you want to mend it you assume responsibility Responsibility very important you say, you know, I want to apologize because I must have done something that causes to happen Now if it if it's something the other person didn't it wasn't your fault in a way You're still winning. What are you doing? You're assuming responsibility because what you're saying is this this relationship and this friendship is so important to me You know what? I'm willing to take the heat. I'm willing to get the whip and I'm willing I'm willing to take the discipline What what this relationship is, you know what that is you called it? Unconditional love that's what you call it You you you will and that you will to take it no matter whether you deserve it or not It's not the issue. And so you say to that person I Apologize. I'm very sorry And the next thing you do it to remember is you refuse to blame and you refuse to defend yourself That person says here's what you did. I did not do anything of a sort What's the goal is the goal to be right or to win the person is the goal to be right to save the relationship? If I don't care anything about the relationship I can say, you know what you just you're blind as a bat That's what you did you just Projecting on me what you think that's not true at all. And you know what? This is what cause this is this is beginning of fellowships Relationships friendships and marriages to go down the drain. It's not my fault. It's your fault And on and on people go what happened for for long they have so damaged their relationship Somebody walks away

So What you have to be willing to say is you know what? Whatever my part is or I want to apologize you and so you refuse to defend yourself and then here's what you do You what we talk about saving a fellowship relationship. You say what can I do to repair this? What can I do? Tell me something that I can do to help in this relationship or whatever it takes. I'm going to do that So you ask for a suggestion of how you can repair it What do I need to do and then the next thing you do is you make a commitment you say I'm committed To rebuilding this fellowship this relationship this friendship. I'm committed to rebuilding out whatever it takes. I'm willing to do it Now the other person may say I'm finished. I don't care about this relationship any longer. I'm gone You can't make somebody love you who doesn't love you You can't make somebody be your friend who doesn't want to be your friend. You can't make somebody They have that kind of relationship that you desire unless they choose to and So what happens is you assume that responsibility you sound making a commitment to you. I Want to be your friend. I love our friendship. I love our relationship. It's very helpful to me very meaningful to me I think I'm a closer to God because of it you you sometimes give me wisdom that I need know. It's whatever it takes You have to you have to make this issue is this friendship Worth what it's gonna cost me to mend it if it's not then we just talking out of our head if it is You'll pay the price Now once you've come this far. I want to give you four questions. It'd be good to ask yourself You really want to say this this for this friendship? There are four questions that I'd like to suggest that you ask number one is this and this is so very very very Important. I want to ask you. Are you listening? Say a man? All right. Here's what you here's the first question Am I projecting on my friend Something that happened in my past Let's say back in your past somewhere you were deeply deeply hurt and Maybe it was some woman in your life or maybe some friendship relationship that someone you deeply deeply loved and They betrayed you they were disloyal to you they were dishonest with you and

They walked away when you thought that person was one of the dearest friends you could possibly have Now, what does a person naturally normally do? They start building their defenses and they build defenses so it cannot happen again so therefore someone comes along and You begin to be a little close to that person and you begin to feel it and so next thing, you know you're being critical of something the other person's life and It's very real to you a very real what you don't realize is this Because the past hurts You are taking your past emotional experiences and projecting it on the other person Not even realizing that you are you are blaming them for something that somebody else did to you years and years and years ago When you project on a friend something out of your past Something deep down inside it. You may have been hurt. It may could be one of many things And what happens is you're gonna destroy that friendship if you want to retrieve that friendship, you've got to lay down the past a Second question you'd ask yourself is this am I just too fearful to have a close relationship with anybody? In other words, is the problem in my friendship the fact that that person's getting too close, and I'm a little bit uncomfortable with it? In other words, I got a hell of a lot of space. Give me room. Now, it's one thing to smother somebody and to be possessive of them. You don't want to be smothering. But is the truth that when that person begins to become close to you, something inside of you, you don't even know what it is, something inside of you just raises right up, or you pull right, and you think, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, I can't handle this. And what is it you can't handle?

I just can't handle it. What it is, is you have this defense mechanism up because you're afraid to have an intimate relationship with somebody else because you've been hurt and you said you would never be hurt again no matter what. Let me say one word to you. And this is something that's been said probably a thousand years, but it's true. It is a whole lot better to have loved and lose it than never to have loved at all. It's better to have a great friend and lose them than never to have had a friendship at all. If you're one of those persons who is so dead set on not being hurt in life, you're in for a lot of disappointments because you're going to get hurt over and over and over and over again. The only difference between you and somebody who has a dear friend, they've got somebody to share their hurt with, and you've got to stuff it. You've got to keep it to yourself. You've got to keep it to yourself. You've got to keep it to yourself. You've got to keep it to yourself. You've got to keep it to yourself. You've got to keep it to yourself. You've got to keep it to yourself. There's no way you can talk to about it. So, you have to ask yourself the question, is my problem in my friendship the fact that I'm really fearful, too fearful to have a close intimate relationship?

Now, the same thing would be true of men and women. So, sometimes women have probably more intimate relationships than men, and somehow, you know, men, I just don't want to say too much, it's just macho, strong, you know what, none of that scripture. But, you know, I'm not saying that's the way that men and women should be in any relationships. Then there's another question you need to ask. Do I have unreal expectations of this relationship? Am I expecting more than this person's able to give? Listen, there's some people who have an enormous amount to give. They know how to love and they know how to express it. They know how to be happy and peaceful and contented in life. They know how to give of themselves, and some people don't. Listen, not only do they not give of themselves, they don't even know how. They don't even know how to love you. They don't have it on the inside. They don't have the capacity to love. So you have to ask yourself the question, am I expecting more than they can give? And if you're expecting more than they can give, then you're going to have a problem in the relationship. So if you understand that, then you build that relationship. And here's what that means. You're going to have to give more. You're going to have to do more. You're going to have to probably forgive more because they're not there yet.

But if you value that relationship, you'll do whatever is necessary to save it. One last question. There are many questions, but one last I'll mention. It's simply this. Are these feelings of rejection in my friendship because he or she is rejecting me, or is it because I have such a poor sense of self-esteem and poor sense of self-worth, I don't think I really deserve acceptance and I don't deserve this kind of friendship and I don't deserve that kind of love. I don't deserve this kind of relationship. I don't deserve this kind of intimacy. And what you're doing is you are feeling rejected, not because they've rejected you. You just don't feel worthy of somebody just pouring out love on you and loving you and with an abundance of love because that's their person. That's the way they, they know how to love. And yet you don't. One last thing I'd say is this. This is real simple, but it's powerful. Be sure you don't miss what I say. The last point is simply this. Ask God to show you how, listen, to show you how to help your friend to become a godly person. If you ask God to help your friend become a godly person, God will work in your life in the most awesome fashion to help you strengthen, heal, recover, and rescue what will turn out more than likely to be a wonderful, intimate, loving relationship that you'll be glad you didn't lose.

Now, I don't know where you are in your friendships, but I can tell you this. What you've heard in this message can make all the difference in the world. If you value friendships, and if you're willing to forget yourself, and you're willing to give it all you've got, you'll build friendships and relationships that will last, listen, forever. Amen. Not just the silver ones, but the gold ones, that is, those that you'll treasure till the day you die.