Toxic Traps | Criticism | Kyle Rodgers

First give Jesus one big shout of praise this morning What a great day to be in God's house at all of our locations if we haven't met yet My name is Kyle. I get the joy of kicking off a brand new series with you today called toxic traps We're in this series Our prayer is that you would consistently find freedom by not taking the bait of toxic Traps there are many different toxic traps. We'll talk about in this series Today's toxic trap to discuss is wait for it criticism oh Yeah, we bout to go there today. You ready Here we go. Just look at somebody next to you and say hey Now if you're looking at me come on, you don't want to talk to him at all wrong neighbor Come on, look at somebody tell hey This is the last time I'm talking to you Cuz this one's about me today Haha, this one's about me today. Come on. This is one of those messages. You don't want to look at anybody Just stay locked in with the communicator. Okay, just stay locked in today Because when we talk about criticism, one of the realities of life Is that all of us live in between the tension of either being a critic or the target of? criticism All of us live in the tension. And if you don't think you live in the tension We're gonna do a call for salvation at the very end and that's your opportunity To accept Jesus and realize we all live in this tension of either being criticized or being the criticizer for a working definition of criticism, let's define it as criticism is the expression of an unmet need Criticism is the expression of an unmet need all of us either have or have experienced an Unmet need before if you're a sports fan at some point your team has lost a game They were supposed to win. I will not call any names in particular You already feel where I'm going. Here we are Yeah, if you're a Bears fan, I'm a Buccaneers fan. I know how to pray for you

If you're a Packers fan prayers are 50% If you're a Vikings fan we do not care That's Terrible let's keep going. Let's keep going Criticism the expression of an unmet need any married folks in here. Come on, right right here at Spring Creek location Come on, Cape Coral location Janesville Let's be honest when you got married She was so fine or he was so handsome But then about three years into the marriage you realize I'm not sure if I married my spouse or my expectations of my spouse And The challenging part is now Criticism becomes a language that's used because I have needs that are going what? Unmet I'll just give you one example I'll put myself out there so you don't have to when Danielle and I first got married this year. We'll celebrate 14 years of being married Whoo Not only is she the most beautiful woman in my world She is one of the most gifted people and I appreciate her strength and grace And as we experienced getting married the first couple two three years We went through the normal foundational building block years But one of the things that we came to realize is that each of us has a love language and my number one love language Is receiving gifts? My number two love language is receiving gifts My number three love language is receiving gifts. Yeah Receiving gifts shows up nowhere in her love languages. So for the first few years I was giving gifts with the hope that she would start Giving gifts didn't make her wrong didn't make me right. It just left us with an unmet need. Thank God for Jesus. Come on About 12 12 11 12 years later. We find ourselves just in a really special spot now of Appreciating and expressing love the way the other gets why because we realize criticism doesn't bring you closer criticism is a Divide criticism is the expression of an unmet need Parents you have children you prayed for

They still don't listen Students you have parents that you didn't pray for but you should start They don't listen either. I Thought I'd get a better even from the student section, but okay. All right, we'll keep moving there's there's there's expectations and when those Expectations go unmet it creates a space and then criticism creeps in Criticism creeps in in our workspaces. We have expectations about how much we should be paid We have expectations about how often we should need to clock in or clock out. We have expectations on contract. We have Expectations on salary. We have expectations on hours and benefits. We all have expectations. Having expectations is not bad. The challenging part is when those expectations go unmet, therein lies the trap for what? Criticism. We can all go on Facebook right now and see how well criticism works out in the comments. How many would agree in this room, City First Anywhere, all of our locations, it ain't that good. Criticism, the expression of an unmet need, but scripture helps us to unpack how we do not fall into the toxic trap of criticism in Proverbs chapter four and verse 23, when it says, above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. Most important part of the entire scripture, guard your heart. Because if it gets in your heart, it comes out of your mouth. How do you know it got in your heart?

Because there's a few different phrases that you've heard people use. You've never said them, but somebody on your row has. Don't look at them. Stay locked in right here. Here we go. Somebody has says, I didn't mean that. Oh, yes, you did. I can't believe I just said that. We all can. Or the famous manipulative phrase, look what you made me do. I got help over here. I'm trying to find it. How many don't? Look, a good therapist will tell you, I cannot be held responsible for your unhealthy emotions. Criticism, the expression of an unmet need. And when this happens, the toxicity creeps in because something got in your heart. You can tell a lot about a person and the posture or the condition of their heart by what comes out of their mouth. Why? Our words carry the weight of whatever we've let in our hearts. Oh, let's just go ahead and jump in the deep end since we're here. The reality is that each one of us in this room and all of our locations in City First anywhere,

there's some spot in our lives right now where we are still unwinding from an unhealthy comment or unhealthy commentary that someone else expressed with their words. A parent told you, you'll never be more than your deadbeat dad. A coach told you, you just can't cut it. A teacher refused to see you as having potential and only saw you as a problem. In the movie Fences, Troy Maxson, who's played by Denzel Washington, plays a dad who had a very unproductive career in the Negro Leagues and a number of different struggles as a result. As a result of this, he then projects his failures onto his son, Corey. And in one of the most famous phrases from this Broadway play turned movie, Corey asks his dad, why you don't like me? Troy says, you got a house to live in. You got clothes on your back. You got food in your belly. Liking you wasn't a part of the deal. For each of us in this room, there's some phrase that someone has said that has stuck with us longer than it needs to. Let me talk to those who have been criticized for a moment. Today is our day to acknowledge the fact, number one, it hurt, but number two, I don't have to stay hurt.

And for the criticizer, I'm gonna say this as lovingly and as gently as I can. But as someone who has either lived as someone being criticized or I've lived as a criticizer, let's be honest in this room, watching CD first anywhere, when we are critical, it says more about us than it does about them. Because when you criticize, you're projecting your own insecurity, your own failure, your own shortcoming on someone else. And in most cases, they're not the result of the problem. How do I address it, Kyle? You choose to draw a line in the sand and say, today I will be courageous enough to look at the problem in the mirror. Say it is time to heal Why Criticism is not a toxic trap that God created us to be captured by Let me talk to those who've been criticized for a moment remember we're living in the tension We're living in the tension those of us who've been criticized Romans chapter 12 and verse 18 talks to us specifically what it says if it is possible as Far as it depends on you live at peace with Everyone I love the language the writer here's uses because he indicates for us if it is Possible why cuz it ain't always Possible I know that's bad English, but it's good preaching right there It's not always possible as long as it depends on you personal responsibility When we take responsibility we draw healthy boundaries These boundaries are not walls. They're fences with a door

That way we can help determine what comes in in a healthy way and we can also usher What's needs to leave in a healthy way as well? We institute boundaries. Here we go. What's what's for some of us a healthy boundary is just not having in-depth Conversations with people who do not have our best interest Y'all quiet. I'm gonna go talk to everybody over here Okay. Yeah, what if they're my family? Uh-huh them, too You pray for them you love them, but you lovingly set a boundary while you continue to pray for them As long as it depends on you Live at peace with everyone when you take personal responsibility to live at peace with other people it saves you from giving them a piece of your mind and I don't know about you, but I'll be the first one to confess. I like doing that Why cuz it feels good But how many know? That ain't what God called us to be God God called us to live a life That esteems people the way that he did so as long as it is possible live at peace with everybody This includes how we engage in relationships This includes here. We go the perspective we have towards the people we are in relationships with If we're going to do this in a healthy way To avoid becoming the critic or to live a life Paralyzed by criticism. We must keep the right voices at the right volume This is where the personal responsibility comes in We all have a choice on a day-in day-out basis of which voices we are going to give the most volume Focus and attention to this is why starting our day and setting our day in a time of prayer and Worship and reading the Word of God

Matters more than you and I want to say out loud because the more that I spend time in God's Word The louder the volume is of his voice to me so that here we go. I don't have to give Unnecessary volume to voices that don't align with who he's called and created me to be Yeah Here we go now I'm coming for those of us who are navigating on the other side of the tension of being Criticizers you are less critical of people when you spend more time with God How do you know because you begin to see people as God's greatest and best creation and You're less likely to criticize his greatest and best creation when you spend time with the one who created them Here we go, here's the hard part he ready add some more tension to the texture you ready Usually when you spend more time with God about the people you're in relationship with they don't always get better right away But you do I'm gonna say that again, but you do You're more likely to be patient when you spend time with God You're more likely to be empathetic when you pray for those who drive you crazy You're more likely to forgive instead of holding a grudge You're more likely to forgive instead of holding a grudge when you spend time with the one who reminds you of everything you've been forgiven of Keep the right voices at the right volume. This also includes those who God brings into our lives in community. Proverbs chapter 27, verse number six, it lays it out for us like this. Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. Can I break it down like I know it? I'm gonna do it anyways, here we go. Everybody needs a friend that's going to tell you when you're about to make a terrible decision. Like showing up for an American Idol audition knowing you can't sing. Come on, you ever watch American Idol auditions

and you just start extending your hand towards the screen telling Jesus, touch these babies, they got no friends. Because if you really had a friend, no one would have let you walk out of the house sounding like this. Talking about, I don't know why I'm not getting an opportunity, because you can't sing. Apparently you ain't got no friends either. You need a friend that's going to tell you when you got a boogie. Friend that's going to tell you when you got broccoli in your teeth. Come on, that's the earmark of a great friendship right there. It hurts for a half a second, but thank God for not letting me go out in public looking like this, come on. Come on, you need a friend to tell you when that ain't the outfit. You need a friend to tell you when it's time to upgrade. Come on. Okay, now we're getting quiet, all right, all right. You need a friend that's going to tell you when it's time to go home and apologize to your husband. You need a friend that's going to tell you when it's time to man up and love your spouse, your wife selflessly. You need a friend who's going to get in the group text and go, hey, are you done venting? Because now it's time to move it forward.

You need a friend that's going to let you know when you're not living up to what your creator called and created you to be. Just so we're clear, I know we live in this culture where if you don't agree with me, you must hate me. And that couldn't be further from the truth. Because I can disagree with you, but half of the reason I disagree with you is because I actually see you for the you that God created you to be, not the you that you're becoming. So it's actually not criticism here. Here we go, I'm trying to help you. Guard your heart. It's constructive feedback. Because constructive feedback, here's the delineation between criticism and constructive feedback. Constructive feedback builds us up, but harmful criticism only tears us down. If their desire is only to tell like it is and not care about you, then you know that's criticism. But if their desire is to call you to a higher standard of living, that's just constructive feedback. Some of the people that I couldn't stand the most, specifically teachers or coaches, come on, you had your kids' parents, you've had your kids come home before and go, they don't like me.

They can't stand me, they got it out for me. In some cases, it's true. In most cases, no, they're just calling you to a higher standard. And some of the folks that I could not stand the most was because they were telling me not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. Wounds from a sincere friend. If we're candid, though, some of the reason why we struggle receiving wounds from sincere friend is because we still have open wounds from enemies. And we can't properly hear what they're trying to help us with because we only hear it through the unhealthy or toxic filter of what someone who didn't have my best interest at heart said or did. But today is a day to move your story forward and decide that I am going to give those who are going to wound me because they love me permission to do so and heal from the experiences I've had with others who did not have God's perspective about me. Am I making sense in here today? Yep. When we do this, it gives us space not only to experience the healing that God can bring, but it also makes sure that we don't push away the people that God is trying to bring close. I'll get off this soapbox in just a second

after saying this. God constantly wants to use people to help us develop into who he's called and created us to be. We need each other. It's with this in mind that there's a thought that my pastor nudges out and I just wanna give it to you today and it's this, compliments won't go to my head and criticism won't get into my heart. Some of the greatest detractors to progress tomorrow are the victories we've experienced today. Why? Because we let the compliments go to our head and some of the greatest obstacles to growth in our lives and then through our lives is the criticism that we let get into our hearts. But avoiding a toxic trap of criticism means compliments won't go to my head and criticism won't get into my heart. This is a particularly important when it comes to relationships. You fill in the blank of what the relationship is and let's be honest in this room and in all of our locations, those relationships, the closer that they are, the more painful even the slightest of criticism feels. I was just down in our Cape Coral location recently for the Business of You event where we had business leaders

from all over Southwest Florida that were gathered and not one of them in the room did not raise their hand when it came to asking this question, who has experienced criticism? Because if you're gonna lead something or move something forward, you're gonna experience criticism at some point. Working relationships, teammate relationships, relationships with coaches, mentors, your spouse, your kids, your next door neighbor, you fill in the blank of the relationship, you will experience challenges in that moment. However, one of the greatest things that we can do is remembering that the person I'm in relationship with is not the enemy. The moment we begin to see them as my opponent and not as my teammate, we begin to miss the beauty of the relationship itself. Let's be honest, a relationship is not actually a relationship until we've had a disagreement, until someone has had to apologize and someone has had to forgive. Is it actually a relationship? I'll get personal so you don't have to, here we go. I remember I mentioned to you earlier about being married and one of the things that I love about being married is that it often refines you. It brushes off those sharp edges of your life. Marriage is not the only place that this happens.

For me personally, it's been the most effective. And there are moments where I've sat down with my counselor and they've looked and said, Kyle, one of the best things you can do is just to be quiet. To which I felt criticized. But when I did let it get into my heart, what they were actually saying was helping me to understand, you've got to be thoughtful, you got to be patient. You've got to be willing to exchange your expectations for reality. You've got to be willing to remember that the person that you're in relationship with, they're worth fighting for and not against. The same principle works for the relationships we have. Because when we run comments through a filter that's clogged and unhealthy, everything we begin to see is through that filter that is clogged and unhealthy. We can't have a conversation that's productive because we still haven't unwound from the last comment you made that sounded critical. Well, you always, you never, you fill in the blank. But in every relationship, if we're going to experience the healthiness in that relationship in these times of tension between either being critical or being criticized, this question begs to be asked, are you fighting to be right or are you fighting for the relationship? Just so we're clear, I like to be right.

But oftentimes, fighting to be right doesn't leave any space for the relationship to grow. It also leaves one person feeling victorious and the other feeling defeated, and I don't know about you. That's not a relationship I'm trying to be a part of. So 1 Thessalonians, the writer here, chapter five in verse 11, gives us just one next step we can take, and it says, so encourage each other and build each other up just as you are already doing. Here, if we apply this one principle, everything won't change, but I believe it's just one next step towards change. Encourage each other and build each other up. What would it be like in your house with the people that you share life with if you went home today and wrote out a list of five encouragements that you could give to every member of your house? Parents, before we correct, what if we encouraged first? Oh, I'm living in this skin right now because I feel like I repeat myself 4,527 times about the same thing, but I signed up for that. So why would I get frustrated about something I signed up for instead of just taking a moment to sit back and go, you know what, man, I love how thoughtful our daughter is. I love how aggressive our son is. I love how each of them have an opinion about the instruction I've given, hashtag that's a leader. And then just begin to call these things out. What if instead of complaining about the Amazon boxes that show up at the front door, come on, you've been at work before and the ring app goes off, it's like, Amazon again. What if it just became an encouragement? Hey, thank you so much for the meticulous nature that you have about helping our house to feel like a home. What if instead of complaining about the place of employment that has challenges right now, and you might have a supervisor that's just less than stellar. What if you just took a moment and step back and go, what are the things that I've been

developed in that I can encourage them about? And not the backend encouragement, like, thanks for showing me how not to lead. No, really, hey, thank you for the work that you put in and the opportunity I have to grow at this company. I'll never forget my entire life changed one day. I don't know how God talks to you in prayer, but this is how he talked to me. He said, hey Kyle, you know that boss that you can't stand, that you'd rather tell off than be kind to? I said, yes, sir. I know exactly what you're talking about. I want you to write a thank you card to him. Come again. Yeah, I want you to thank him for some of the things that you've learned while you've been under his leadership. I was like, God, just so we're clear, do you know how bad of a leader this person is? As if God didn't already know, yeah, all right. I had to pray for like two weeks just to find one thing, but I promise it wasn't them. It was all me. Why? Because I had so many expectations that went unmet, so I was so critical, but when I sat down and wrote out that thank you note, I wrote it in tears. Why? Because it hurts to be nice to people you don't want to be nice to. Man up Kyle, calm down. Put it on his desk and 20 minutes after he showed up for work that day, he rounds the corner to my office and he, with one tear falling down his cheek, he goes, in 20 years of being in this industry, I've never had someone write a thank you note like this. Thank you. That person never changed. That job got worse.

And at some point, as Dr. Henry Cloud calls it, we had a necessary ending. But even if it didn't change and they didn't change, I changed. Why? Because I went from just feeling criticized all the time to then letting that hurt turn me into being critical to going, God, I'm gonna choose to trust all of this into your hands. Because in my hands, it's nothing good but a toxic trap. But when I trust it into your hands, it becomes something that I could never have imagined possible. And all I could do was plant a seed in the life of that individual that something is different when you choose to sign up as a believer and follower of Jesus. It doesn't just change your eternal destination, it also changes your day-to-day outlook and perspective. Colossians chapter four and verse five, and we'll land the plane here today, gives us this explanation of how we're to approach life when it says live wisely among those who are not believers and make the most of every opportunity. Because what a hurting world who gets criticized every day needs to see is believers and followers that step up to the plate and they just go, I know what you did to me is wrong, but I'm choosing not only to forgive you, but not criticize you and not live from a criticized perspective either.

I'm choosing to be the example that you need. Do you realize that in some of the places we frequent, the coffee shop, the gym, the school, the different spots that we frequent, you are the only hope that some people will see on a daily basis for how they can get out of their toxic traps. If you and I are caught in ours, there will be nothing for them to see on how to get out of theirs. But the writer says, live wisely. If we're going to live wisely, that means it's got to get out of our hands and into his. Is it hard? Yes. Do you want to do it? No. Is it best? Always. Why? Because in his hands, it becomes more than it will ever be in ours. Will you stand with me all over the room today? In just a moment, we're going to respond to the word that we've heard today. And I believe that for many of us in this room, there's just a release that's got to happen. Where we go, God, there's been some critical things that have been said to me and I've carried them for far too long,

but today I'm going to begin the process of handing it over to you. Or God, maybe I'm the criticizer and today is my day where I have got to get rid of that and unwind. So the things that I've gotten in that have caused me to be insecure or have those volatile words towards people, I choose to be different moving forward. All that takes is just an extended heart to him saying, I trust you. With heads bowed, with eyes closed today, for someone in this room, it's just a simple decision to go, I need you, God. I need you to lead my life. I need you to guard my heart. And I need you to change the way I approach every day. That starts with a simple prayer of commitment. And in a moment, city first, we're all going to pray this out loud so that nobody feels left out. All together, let's just say, Jesus, I need you. I've tried on my own and I failed, but today I hand you my sin and I receive your forgiveness. I hand you the criticism and I hand you the pain. Be my healer and be my Lord today and every day forward. In Jesus' name we pray, amen, amen. Come on, with those hands, with that voice, would you lift your hands and your voice to God? Let's just worship him today in response to who he is

and what we've heard, come on, hallelujah. Oh, we thank you, Jesus. We put our trust in you, Lord. Sing, I trust in God, my Savior, the one who will never fail. He will never fail. Oh, I trust in God, my Savior, the one. ♪ Who will never fail, He will never fail ♪ ♪ Sing I sought the Lord, I sought the Lord ♪ ♪ And He heard and He answered, I sought the Lord ♪ ♪ And He heard and He answered, I sought the Lord ♪ ♪ And He heard and He answered, that's why I trust Him ♪ ♪ That's why I trust Him, I sought the Lord ♪ ♪ And He heard and He answered, I sought the Lord ♪ ♪ And He heard and He answered, I sought the Lord ♪ ♪ And He heard and He answered, that's why I trust Him ♪ ♪ Oh I trust in God, my Savior the one ♪ ♪ Who will never fail, He will never fail ♪ ♪ Can we give Him praise today, we trust Him ♪ Come on guys, was that not a timely and needed message? We're so thankful for everyone that's with us today. For any person that made the decision to give their life to God, we just wanna say congratulations on making one of the greatest decisions that you can ever make. A few things for you though. First thing is first, is that you gotta tell somebody. You gotta share this news. Please do not keep it to yourself.

The second thing, on this screen, there's a QR code that's popping up right now. Please go ahead and scan that QR code. We would love to help you with your next step. We have a resource for you that's gonna help you walk through your new life and what to do next. And we just want you to know that we're so proud of you and we're happy for you and we're praying for you and we're here to support you. Yes, and then we also have a really great experience called Growth Track. Starts the first Sunday of every month and it's designed for you to discover your divine design. And so we'd love for you to be part of that and check that out. You also get connected to City First and get connected to everything that is going on here but also to your purpose and the gifts that God's put in you. And so you can find information again by scanning that QR code going to our website. This month alone, we had 75 people that are going through Growth Track and they're loving it. They're absolutely killing it. And they're getting connected and finding their purpose and their talents and taking spiritual gifts tests and all these amazing things that are giving them the next step in their walk with Jesus.

And if you've been with us for a long time, maybe you're saying, I love Jesus. I'm walking with Jesus. I've been around church for a long time but I've never gone through Growth Track. We'd love for you to do that. It's for anybody and everybody. I think it's a great experience to go through Growth Track. That's right. And friends, if you need prayer for anything and family, when I say anything, I mean anything, we are here for you. Go ahead and put it in the chat or even go to our app right now and submit a prayer request. We have a team that is willing and ready and wanting to pray for you and with you. Yeah, and it's gonna be fun. We're so thankful that you guys joined us today. And then the best thing you can do, come back to church. And so we hope to see you guys next week. It's gonna be another, our second week of Toxic Traps. It's gonna be great. We love you so much, church. We are praying for you. We hope you have an amazing week and we'll see you next time.