The One Habit That Will Save Your Marriage

Hey, big welcome to our church family. And today we're starting a new message series called Love Killers. And I wanna tell you why. If there is one area right now that is under spiritual attack, I think you'd agree that relationships right now are under attack. And I am absolutely convinced that God wants to use his word to prepare people, many of you, for future healthy relationships, strong future marriages, and spiritually grounded families today. If you agree, say amen. Amen. For example, I'm gonna tell you about a couple, Gary and Helen. They were divorced after 11 years of marriage. And Helen started attending, someone invited her to Life Church in Fort Worth, Texas. And eventually her kids actually convinced her ex, their dad, to attend the same church. If you can imagine, you've got a divorced couple attending the same church, and Gary starts serving on the host team. He got in a life group, and God started doing something in him and something in her that neither of them planned. Let me show you this couple now. This is Gary and Helen.

They watched God work in each other's lives and decided if God could do that, maybe God had more for them. And they are remarried today, living a very blessed life, investing in the lives of their children. So Gary and Helen, we praise God for you. And that's exactly why we're doing this message series, because God is not done with your relationships yet. He wants to do more. Let's get started today. If you're ready, say I'm ready. Are you ready? Ready. Here's the deal. Most people don't plan to ruin their marriage. They just don't plan not to. Nobody walks down the aisle and thinks, we'll give this five years, see how it goes. And if it's not working, then we'll just walk away and start over. But slowly and quietly, in so many relationships, something starts to die over time. And it's not usually because of an affair or some big blow up. Most often, it's because somebody stops going first. How many of you remember dating? Raise your hand, remember dating? Remember dating?

This is a picture of Amy and me dating. This was our top gun moment in dating. And in dating, if you remember, when you're in love and all the love songs on the radio make sense, you fight to go first. You remember? You wanna text first. You wanna ask them out first. You're the first to call. You're the first to plan something special. You go first on everything except for one exception, and that's at two in the morning, when you're talking on the phone, the only time you don't wanna go first is you don't wanna hang up first. No, you hang up first. No, no, no, you hang up first. No, you hang up first. And then you just sit there and breathe for a long period of time. It's not even heavy breathing. It's just awkward, 2 a.m., you go first, breathing. Did any of you do that? Raise your hand. Online, you can type in there, I did that. Just type it in online. You fought to go first in your dating. Why? Because that's what love does before we get selfish.

And somewhere along the way in our relationship, like we're doing everything we can to win the person, then we get married, and then we just get comfortable. And without even knowing it, we just start taking each other for granted. And then one day in a place that you normally would go first you simply just choose not to go first. And then one day your spouse doesn't go first, and nobody even notices it for a period of time. But after a while, when you stop going first, things start going backwards. And one day you wake up and you think, oh my gosh, the one person that you couldn't live without becomes the person that you just try to exist with. And so if you find yourself there today, I wanna tell you there's hope. It does not have to be that way. And we're gonna look together in God's Word. you're single and maybe discouraged, if you're married and struggling, we're gonna look to God's word and let him speak to us and build the types of relationships that will honor him. Let's pray. Father, thank you so much for this amazing group of people. God, would you bless all of our relationships. Bless our future relationships. God, would you speak to us, even to prepare our hearts today for what you might wanna bless us with in the future. And God, for every family, every marriage,

would your Holy Spirit go ahead of us to do a work in our hearts to conform us to your image, that we could lay down our lives to love one another like Christ loved the church. And God, use our relationships to bring others to know you. Speak to us today, we pray in Jesus' name. And if you agree, say amen. Amen. Type it in the comment section, amen. We're starting a new message series. It is called Love Killers. And what we're gonna do is we're gonna talk about five of the biggest things that destroy your relationships. Let me tell you what's coming up. Next week, we're gonna talk about neglect. Nobody plans to neglect intentionally their relationship, but you have kids and life takes over and what once used to be a priority eventually often drifts. And then we're gonna talk about spiritual apathy in our relationships. Then we're gonna talk about unresolved conflict. How do we fight? All couples fight, but good couples fight for resolution. Then we're gonna talk about dishonesty and deception. This sounds heavy and it is, but very, very important. Today, we're gonna start with probably the root problem. We're gonna talk about selfishness because selfishness is the root sin under almost every other relationship problem. We're gonna start with God's Word in the book of James.

James was the half-brother of Jesus. He was the leader of the early church and he was writing to Christians who were fighting with each other. Does that sound familiar in today's world? He was writing to Christians who couldn't get along. And in James 4, verse one, he asked the question, what causes fights and quarrels among you if we're applying it to your relationships? What causes you to fight with your girlfriend? What causes you to fight with your boyfriend? What causes you to fight with your spouse? Aren't they caused by the selfish desires that fight to control you? In other words, almost every fight, almost every quarrel traces back to the selfish desires in you that fight to control you. Now, I know what some of you are thinking right now. You're thinking, praise God. I am so glad my spouse is hearing this message. He better take good notes. She better let the Holy Ghost speak to her today. If that's you, you're proving my point because this message is not for the person sitting next to you. God wants to speak to the person sitting in your seat. Some might say, God speak to me. Type it online. Say it again, God speak to me. God wants to speak to every single one of you,

including me, because this problem isn't new. It goes all the way back to the beginning of the story in Genesis chapter three, when the devil tempted Eve. Did God really say you're not supposed to eat of that? Doesn't that look good? And even a selfish moment, selfish moment, didn't do what God said, but did what she wanted and she gave in. And watch what happened when selfishness entered the relationship. Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent. And the serpent didn't have a leg to stand on. Hashtag pastor joke, hashtag dad joke, hashtag I'm sorry, but I had to take it. The first casualty of selfishness was their relationship with God. The second casualty of selfishness was their marriage. And selfishness has been in us ever since. Now, here's the problem. The problem is selfishness is really, really difficult to see in the mirror. In fact, I don't know anybody who says like, oh yeah, I'm the really selfish one in the marriage. In fact, I've been doing ministry now for 35 years. And if I talk to 100 people whose relationships are struggling, 95 of them will say, it's my spouse's fault. It's what she's not doing. It's what he's doing.

Because selfishness is really, really difficult to see in ourself. And that's why it's really, really sneaky. So what I wanna do today is I wanna show you three ways that selfishness shows up in us to hurt our relationships. And instead of pointing and doing that kind of stuff, we wanna say, God, show us what we need to hear. Can we do that? If we can do it, say, we can do it. Can we do it? We can do it. Number one problem with selfishness is this. Number one is selfishness keeps score. Got quiet and I heard some mm's. Because you know it's true, right? It's anyway, like, I cooked. The least you can do is do the dishes. You say it with that kind of attitude. I got the kids ready. Where were you in this situation? I said I'm sorry last time. I'm not gonna go first again. Keeping score. For some of you, keeping score is almost like an Olympic sport. You don't just remember yesterday. You remember 2014 at 8.17 p.m. And somehow you still remember the tone of their voice. And somehow every bad fight ends with your mother does the same thing.

Don't ever say that. There is a verse in Leviticus that says do not bring the mother-in-law into. There's not a verse in Leviticus, but there should be. I'm telling you, there should be. Don't ever do that. It's keeping score. It's keeping score. It's you didn't, and I did, and you did that, and you didn't do that. It's keeping score. And here's what you need to remember. Keeping score has never built a better marriage. Let me say it again. It doesn't make you closer. It doesn't make you more intimate. Keeping score has never built a better marriage. Paul said it this way, 1 Corinthians 13, five. He says, love keeps no records of wrong. At some point, I'm gonna preach on forgiveness because there are a lot of people who've been forgiven by Jesus and not forgiving other people who hurt them. And there's some strong verses about that that I believe the body of Christ needs to embrace. Love keeps no records of wrong. Keeping score. Every time you keep score in your marriage, guess what you're doing? You're playing a game.

We've done it. Well, Amy, you should do it. And you have, you're playing a game. And the problem is in marriage, if you're playing a game, what do you have? You have a winner and you have a loser. And in marriage, if one of you loses, both of you lose. That's right. That's why Paul said love keeps no records of wrongs. Do you see that in yourself? The first area we're looking at is this, that selfishness keeps score. The second thing selfishness does is it withholds. It withholds. It could be like relationally, like you stop sharing your heart because last time you did it, it became a big fight. Or you don't ask about her day because she doesn't ask about your day. Or you don't even argue anymore, but it's not because things are good, but because you stop caring enough to fight. And I'll tell you right now, I do it in the silliest, dumbest, most ungodly and immature ways with Amy. If we get in a fight and we're trying to go to bed, I'll just like draw this imaginary line down the middle of the bed. And then in my mind, I come up with these rules. I just tell myself, okay, she's wrong.

I'm not speaking first. I'm not apologizing first. And no matter what, no part of my body is crossing the line into enemy territory. And I just do that. And if by some reason I accidentally like draw my foot across the line or her foot comes into mine and our toes touch, I yank my foot back like, you're not getting any toe tonight to stay on your side of the bed, woman. Not getting any toe. And at some point, I don't know if you've done that or not, but at some point it stops being funny. And what happens is you're withholding. She's waiting for you to notice that she's not doing okay, but you don't notice it. He's hoping, praying, perhaps, you'll just reach out and grab his hand. You won't do it. Not because you're angry, but because you simply stopped trying. Again, James said this. I want you to listen to this and let it speak to you. James said this. He said, chapter four, verse 17. If anyone then knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it's sin for them. If you know the loving thing you should do, the caring thing you should do,

the generous thing you should do, the thing that God prompts you to do, the right thing to do, the holy thing to do, the loving thing to do, and if you know the good to do and you don't do it, that's sinfulness. Sin is not just the wrong things you do, it's the right things that you stop doing, and that's the very place that most marriages start to die. And if you feel a little bit uptight, I actually want you to right now, and I just wanna be very, very direct, because I care and more so because God cares and because it's not too late. If you recognize the sin in your own heart, withholding affection, that's selfish and sinful. Withholding forgiveness from a repentant person is selfish and sinful. If God's prompting you to do the right thing, show the love, say the words your spouse needs to hear, do the thing, whatever the thing is, that would be a blessing and maybe even start healing, and you don't do it. The Word of God says, if you know the good you ought to do and you don't do it, that's selfish and sinful. And that's why sometimes the most selfish thing you can do is nothing. And that is exactly where some of you are right now,

and your spouse may be there too, but we're not talking to your spouse right now, we're letting God speak to you. Selfishness, the root sin, is destroying the integrity of the relationships that God wants to build, the legacy that he wants to create through you into your children for generations to come. What does selfishness do? It keeps score. You did this, you didn't do that. Selfishness withholds the good that you're called to give. And then selfishness demands its own way. I want what I want, it demands. Proverbs 18, one says, an unfriendly person pursues selfish ends. And we know it, I know it, because I've done it. Selfishness is about my comfort and my preferences and my schedule, because it's all about me. And I don't see the selfishness in the mirror, but I can do what I want with my time, but you need to be available to me when I want you to be available to me. And I can spend money on what I want, because it makes sense, but whenever you're spending money and telling me you're saving money on stupid things because they were on sale, hey, you can't really do that now, can you? Don't say amen and don't elbow anybody,

just keep looking straight ahead and act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I can tell you that's not what happened. It's not how it went down. Instead of listening to you and trying to understand how it actually made you feel, when I said what I said, the moment you start asking, what about me? What about me? More than, what about us? That's when you're already losing. And those of you, maybe you're in a relationship right now, you're dating and you're wondering like, should I keep moving? Is this the right person? Or maybe you're kind of looking around or someone, and what you wanna do is you wanna look and see, is there a spirit of selfishness in that person? And not just in them, but you also wanna look in yourself. Is there a spirit of selfishness within you? Because I'm telling you right now, society is conforming you for selfishness. I mean, social media is not built around godliness. That's right. It is teaching us to be selfish. And this is what I want. And I'm not gonna, I am, I mean, this, my, my, my, my. And so watch for this, both in yourself and in the person that you're dating. Sometimes, a.

Selfish person can masquerade it. Like, you know, they'll say like, you pick the restaurant and so you do. And it's the wrong restaurant every single time. They'll say, you pick the movie and you do. And it's the wrong movie every single time. Hey, that's just warm up because when you get married, they're gonna tell you, you breathe wrong. I can't confirm this for sure, but I might breathe wrong, chew wrong and even sneeze wrong. And Amy would probably stand by all of those and say, actually, he does sneeze wrong. He needs to repent and sneeze right. But nevertheless, if you think, hey, there's selfishness here, but it'll probably get better when we get married. Oh, he's a little bit selfish. She's a little bit into herself. Oh, he's a little bit narcissist. Oh, she always wants things her way. But it'll get better when we're married. Don't lie to yourself. Selfishness doesn't go away with a ring. Pay attention. And if any of you break up because of me, don't get mad. Just praise God and everything. Don't marry someone who doesn't know how to deny themselves and serve you. Deny themselves and serve God and deny themselves and serve you.

So what do you do? If this sinfulness is in us and selfishness fights to control us, if our unredeemed flesh, our sinful nature takes us away from God and towards self, how do we combat something that's been in us since the garden? Well, the answer is we don't beat it with willpower. We actually defeat selfishness with surrender. We can't will our way out of it. We have to surrender to the most selfless one, our heavenly Father. This is what Paul said in Philippians 2.3. Listen to the power of this. He said this, he said, "'Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.'" Could we stop right there for just a moment? Do nothing. Don't post out of selfish ambition. Don't buy things out of selfish ambition. Don't try to control your spouse out of selfish ambition. Don't self-promote out of selfish, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. But in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, elevate others, encourage others, value others, lift others. Put their needs ahead of your needs.

Value them above yourself, not just because they deserve it, but because that's what love does. That's what love does. And if you want to have a relationship that's better than what you see in this world, you have to have a mindset that's different than what this world says. This world says it's all about me and it's all about now, it's all about my preference, it's all about what I want. And that's the quickest way to having a broken relationship. In humility, consider someone more important, better, more esteemed, more honored. Serve them above your own desires. So if you want to know what love looks like, you can look at Jesus the way Paul described him in Philippians chapter two, continuing talking about Jesus, Paul said, who being in the very nature of God, who is Jesus? He is God in the flesh, Jesus. He did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, one version says, or something to be used to his own advantage. Rather, Jesus made himself nothing. He is God in the flesh, the supreme creator and sustainer of the universe, the all-powerful one, all-knowing, ever-present. And he made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant.

And Jesus humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, even death on the cruelest issue. instrument of torture called the cross. Jesus, the son of God, who had every right to demand respect from others, but he made himself nothing. The one who could have kept score when everybody else did wrong, but instead he kept serving. And even when he deserved every bit of praise, Jesus still went first. Yeah, that's right. And that same grace from his death and resurrection that forgives your sins, that same grace is what can heal your selfishness. Here's the bottom line. You let that rule, it will ruin any relationship you have with your kids, with your friends, with your coworkers. You submit to God out of it. And I hope you'll hear this, feel this, embrace this, and believe this, because this thought is a game changer. You can feed your selfishness or feed your relationships. You can't feed both. You can build others up. You build yourself up. You can't do both. I lay down my life to serve the one that God entrusted to my care. And then God blesses me when she does the same thing,

blesses us with a relationship that is beyond anything any romance novel ever describes. You lay down your life to serve someone else. Now, just to be super clear, and I wanna be clear about this, I'm not telling you to be a doormat, okay? If you're the only one that only goes first and you're enduring abuse in your relationship, this is a different conversation, it's an important conversation, and it's one we'll have on a different day. I'm not telling you to endure abuse. Most of us in this room, the problem isn't that most of us are giving too much. The problem for most of us is that we stop going first. We stop going first. And so I'm gonna tell you right now, your assignment is be the one who goes first. Ephesians 5.25 speaks to the husband, gentlemen, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave every bit of himself for her. Gentlemen, love your wives as Christ loved the church and give your whole life for us. When did Jesus give his life for us? Not when we were lovable, but when we needed love. Not when it was easy for him, but when it cost him everything. And if you're in a relationship right now and you feel the distance, the emotional distance,

it's probably not because of one big mistake. There may have been a big mistake, but it's probably because some time ago, somebody stopped going first. So I don't even remember what started this issue with Amy, but we were on vacation of all places. Years ago, all six kids, the whole circus on vacation. On vacation. And I don't know what happened, but I iced Amy out. Now, I wasn't rude. If she asked me a question, I'd answer it. I played with the kids. I was fun dad with the kids. I might've had a little extra fun with the kids and might've been sending a little message. I was not mean at all. I was just cold. I was distant. She knew it. The kids knew it. I think the waiter at Pizza Hut knew it. And you've ever been there, right? Okay. Here's what happened. I just kept not going first. I could have apologized first. I could have been nice first, but I just kept not going first. Meanwhile, building sand castles with the kids, acting like everything's fine, but it wasn't fine.

I was being selfish and justifying it. So here is your assignment. You should do what I should have done. And it's really, really simple. I mean, it's really, really simple. You ready? Here it is. Every day, do one thing first. There's your assignment. Do one thing first. Be first to put this little distracting device down and look into your spouse's eyes and engage in a real meaningful conversation. Be first to apologize, even if you're pretty sure you're right. Be first to ask, what do you need? What's going on in your heart? And slow down and actually listen. Every day, do one thing first. That's your assignment. One thing first. Selfishness says, what about me? Love says, what about you? And eventually, it says, what about us? And here's the deal. If you're gonna have a good marriage, somebody has to go first. And if you wanna have a great marriage, just find each other to go first. If you're waiting for them to do it,

that's selfishness talking. You've been there before. You went first before. So guess what? Just do it again. You've got the greatest model ever because our Father, He went first. When we were dead in our sins, He sent Jesus first. Before we ever deserved it, He gave His life for us. My God went first, I'm going first. Your assignment this week is do one thing first. Heavenly Father, I pray that You would do a work in all of us, in our friendships, in our dating relationships, and certainly in our marriages and family. I don't care if you're dating, married, not married, don't wanna be married, like your dog, don't like your dog. I don't care what your situation is. If you're gonna commit just in whatever situation this week, when God prompts you, you're not gonna sin. You're gonna do what He calls you to do. In fact, I'm gonna ask you. I'm not even gonna ask you to think about it. I'm just gonna ask you, will you commit to go first daily? Be the first to encourage someone at work. Be the first to say, can I pray for you? Be the first to say, I'm sorry to your spouse. Be the first to go first. Today, all of our churches, if you'll say yes, I'm gonna commit to go first, raise your hands right now.

Just lift them up. I hope it's everybody, lift them up. Online, just type in the comment section, I commit to go first, I commit to go first. You can leave your hands up if you want, just in worship. God, we thank you that you went first and God, because you call us, we're gonna lay down our lives, consider others better, humble ourselves, just like you take in the very nature of a servant, God, in going first. God, I ask for blessings upon blessings and healing and forgiveness and grace and mercy and restoration in relationships and a foundation that would strengthen relationships to sustain the attacks of the evil one and blessings in our relationship that would raise up kids that would know and serve Jesus and a spiritual legacy that would go beyond our home into this world. God, help us to go first. Just say it, I'll go first, just say it, I'll go first. Say it, say it, say it, I'll go first, I'll go first, I'll go first. Now, keep praying right now, because what you know about God is he went first for you. Scripture says that while you were still sinners, when you were far from God, Christ died for you. He didn't die when you were good enough because you can't be. He didn't die for you when you were ready because you were not, he went first. And God wants a relationship with you

and he made the first move. God turned toward you, the question is, will you turn toward him? Because there are many of you here, if you are honest right now, you've been selfish, you've been living a life outside of God's will and outside of a relationship with God because you want what you want more than what he wants. What he wants is a relationship with you and he came to bring you life and life to the full. So what do you do if you're not facing him? He stepped towards you, he moved towards you, he made the first move. What you do is you just turn away from your selfishness and you turn toward him. The word is repent, you re, re means turn, pent is the highest. You turn from the lower ways of selfishness to the higher ways of God. You repent of your selfishness, your sinfulness. You call on the name of Jesus and when you do, who is Jesus, the son of God, who was perfect, who died on a cross and rose again so that anyone who calls on him would be saved, forgiven and made new. Today at all of our churches, you recognize it's been about you, now it's gonna be about him. You turn from your sins, you call on Jesus, he makes you new, he forgives you. That's your prayer today.

I need his grace. By faith, I repent of my sins, I give my life to Jesus God. Put you first, that's your prayer. Lift your hands high right now. All over the place, lift them up. Back there, God bless you. Right here, others today. Ma'am, right here, others saying, yes, Jesus, I surrender to you. Lift your hands up and say yes. Right back over there. Praise God for you. Oh, come on. Oh, church, give God some praise today. Online, type in the comment section, I'm surrendering my life to Jesus. I'm surrendering my life to Jesus. Would you pray today with me? Pray aloud, everybody. Nobody prays alone. Pray, Heavenly Father, forgive me of my sins. Forgive me of my selfishness. I turn to Jesus. Jesus, save me. Forgive me. Be the Lord of my life. Fill me with your spirit so I could know you and serve you. My life is not my own. I give it all to you. Thank you for new life.

You have all of mine. In Jesus' name, I pray. Somebody give God some praise today. Give him praise. New life in Christ. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, it's Pastor Craig and Amy Groeschel with Life.Church. And if you just made the decision to give your life to Christ, this is the most important and life-changing decision that you'll ever make. And all of heaven is celebrating right now because of your decision, and we're celebrating with you, too. That's right. And we want you to know that God sees you. He's with you, and He loves you. He has a purpose for your life. And incarceration, it doesn't define you. It doesn't confine you because you are free in Christ. You are new in Him. Chains have been broken today. And so as a follower of Jesus, God wants us to be on this journey together. And I want you to know you don't have to do this alone. And that's why we, as your church family, we're here for you, and we want to help you grow in your faith

and find your next steps. So first of all, just keep joining us for church every single week and worshiping through the Pando app. We're so thankful that you're here. When we draw close to God, He draws near to us. And so I would also encourage you, read God's Word if it's available to you. And as you do, just start to pray and invite God into every single aspect of your life. And then if you feel led, you might even share your decision with somebody else. There might be a family member or a friend, and they're gonna want to hear your story and your spiritual journey. We'd love to hear it as well. And you can send us a letter if you'd like to. The address is on your screen. And our team will write back to you and help you grow in your faith with Jesus. And so we'd love to mail you some content about who Jesus is and help you grow in your relationship with Him now that you've chosen to follow Jesus. That's right. And God's plan for your life, it's greater than anything that you could ever imagine. In fact, Ephesians 3.20 says, God is able to do abundantly more than we could ask or imagine. Trust Him with your whole life.

You will see Him work in ways you have never thought possible. Congratulations on this decision. We are your family, and you're part of the family of God.