The Older Brother | Crossroads Daily

Hi everyone. I am Kirsten. I'm Mika. I'm Chris. And I'm Debo. And we are going to be getting into Luke 15 today. I am so excited. So in this chapter, we are covering a few different parables that Jesus is sharing with the people that he's chatting with. The three parables are the lost sheep, the lost coin, and the prodigal son. So the lost son. And what I just get so giddy about is Jesus and this idea of God will always celebrate the one sinner that repents and comes back to him. And he's very, I think, intentional about this word of sinner. He's not shying away from it because the people he's talking to are challenging him and saying like, well, why are you with these people? We don't hang out with these people. And he's like, even if one of these people, one of these sinners comes to know me, comes to know Jesus, God is celebrating. Like what a convicting statement to hear. So we're going to kind of get real deep, real fast if we choose. But I want to know, before Jesus, what was your story of lost? How were you lost before Jesus? And I can start. Before Jesus, I very much so lived this life of seeking all of my worth in boys, in the party scene, and in my work. I lied on my job application for Subway. I was a sandwich artist. Not so much anymore. But I literally lied on my application because I was like, I know I want to work. And so I said I was 16 and I was 15 and started working. And that started my dangerous journey of workaholic, even at Subway. I was this little 15-year-old girl with keys to this shop, just locking up, coming in the next day. Taking all the ham you want. That's what it was. It was an escape for me. My home life was very broken. My mom grew up really hard, which trickled down into our upbringing. We moved a ton. And it was my way of escaping. I was like, dang, if I work, I don't have to be at home. That's great. You know what else makes me not have to be at home? Going out to parties and getting wasted. I'll never forget the one party where we barricaded the doors against the cops, and I'm just sitting against this couch. They ended up getting into the basement. But like, my mom had to pick me up at the station that night. And for me to look her in the eyes, I mean, like, I had this attitude of like, I don't care. I don't care about anyone. A little wild Kirsten, huh? Your wild self. No, it was crazy. But I was so, like, sad. Like, nothing made me feel worth anything. Everything that I did that I was like, this is going to be what makes me feel happy. This is what's going to make me feel safe. I'd wake up in the morning and be like,

wow, another day of feeling worse than I did the day before. Like, the shame adding up of like, who I slept with, who I was hanging out with, who I was lying to, who I was trying to like, make me look better in front of whatever. So those are the realms that just like before Jesus, that was my only place that I would put hope is in all these fragile, shallow things that really, really tore me apart. So yeah. All right. In addition to the first question I asked you just to make this not so sad, like, obviously, in the position I'm in right now, I was saved. Yeah. Like, there was a point where I just broke under that pressure of shame. It really was the shame just like, like rocks being set on top of my shoulders and my head and my back. And I'll never forget, I was living with my mom at the time with her boyfriend and his kids. And my mom had just lost custody of my brothers, which, like, praise God, there has been so much healing through that with my mom, which is really beautiful. But at the time, it was like, the worst thing that could happen to me while I was like, in school and away from them so much. And again, I was escaping. I had this escapist behavior. that was really dangerous for me and I felt like because of all of those things I was chasing, I was the reason that my family was falling apart. I was like, oh, I'm the oldest sibling, I should be responsible for them. Like, why is this not working? And I got invited to church by a boy that I thought was cute, which was so funny at the time. I'm a big fan of flirt to convert personally. I know that's a hot topic, but like, why not? Why the heck not? God will use anything. He can do anything. But that is like, that's what did it for me. I showed up and I remember thinking like, God, I don't know what these people have, but I don't have it and I want it. And I, again, with all the things going on in my family, I just one day fell to my knees and said, God, I cannot keep this together. I can't do it. And I need you. I need you to show up. And I love to tell the story of like, I went to bed that night and I woke up and I was seeing new colors, like colors I've never seen before, which is like such a bizarre thing to say, but it was the most real thing that's ever happened to me where I was driving down the road and the sky was a new blue and the sun was a new orange. And like, there was like sparkle in the world that I had never seen before the next morning. And ever since then, I was like, that was just the amount of like the Lord saying, I see you and this is not for you to carry that like saved me for the rest of my life. So, yeah. So good. New color. I love that. My life looked like a future video prior to

me knowing. If you don't know who Future is, just Google it. My lifestyle looked like a future video, honestly. It's funny because it's like my mom had like really kind of instilled in us as kids at a very young age about having a personal relationship with God. And I think just a lot of seeds were planted at that time. But then also just very privy to just things of the world at a young age and gravitated towards it because I don't I think we we just didn't we didn't have like biblical community. So it was like this silo family who my mom would be pouring into, you know, me and my younger brothers. But then all of my friends and cousins and, you know, everybody was living a completely different lifestyle. So I just didn't have that, you know, fortitude, I guess, or that conviction to just walk that narrow path by myself at such a young age. So I just gravitated to the world that was the streets that was hustling, that was just all of the things of the world, you know, and led me to be in and out of prison at a young age, graduated high school and all of my friends went to college or the army and I was going to prison, you know, and then that happened again, went to prison, had three numbers. And I think the last time I went to prison, I could feel when I looking back on it, I could feel like even as leading into like getting in trouble that which led me to going to prison for the six years at that time, I could feel like something tugging at me. There was just something so unfulfilling about the life I was living. I'm like, you know what, at this point, like, I'm living the life that I thought I wanted. I'm living, you know what I'm saying? Like there's so many things like on the outside looking in that you would think like, you know, at least in our world anyway, you would think like, oh, okay, yeah, this is something to accomplish. This is something to, you know, I don't know, to bring a sense of happiness, fulfillment, whatever. And I just was so empty. Like I would see people who could just like throw in headphones and just, you know, have a good time, you know, to themselves. And I'm like, and I envy that. I'm like, man, like, I don't know what this is. And I think just wrestling with that. And I literally was like, man, I think I want to just go somewhere where I'm around people like a bunch of men who don't, you know, who don't, who didn't grow up with me. You know, I want to be exposed to something. Didn't know that prison was like, right, right, right on the other side of that. But I think it was like last time I kind of got in trouble and looking at like 30 years at that time. And it was really like this moment where I'm like, okay, God, like I did not see this coming. And I know I have zero right to even come to you right now. Right. Like I've been living so wayward for so long. I'm like, but

like at this point. I got a son, you know, a four-year-old, and I'm like, bro, like, this God helped me, you know? And I think it's whenever life puts that pressure on you, whatever's at the core of you is what comes out. And at the core of me were those seeds of faith that my mom planted when I was a child. And I just really began to, like, rediscover this God of the universe, like, all over again, but for the first time as an adult. And I think in those early seasons, like, under that pressure, and knowing, like, this can't just be, like, okay, God, help me out of this and I'll follow you. It has to be, like, no, I really have to just give you my all. Like, my life has to just be in your hands. And that just began the beginning of the journey of me seeking this, you know, this relationship with God out. What does this actually mean? What is this, you know, what's available to me? Like, God, you know what I mean? Like, just kind of like all of these things that we understood at, like, from a child, like, you know, mindset to now trying to understand these things as an adult. And I just explored that. And I even saw, like, even as I was doing it, other people in prison who saw me doing it became more curious. You know what I mean? Like, it was, I don't know, it was people would come and gather around me, you know, while I'm reading the Bible, and that would turn into Bible studies and stuff like that. In some cases, some cases, it didn't go that way at all. But um, yeah, just just fast forward coming home and just knowing like, okay, God, like, I'm locked in. And now we're gonna see what this walk looks like on, you know, this side of the prison yard. And I think I'm just having people, you know, my youngest brother around just to kind of pour, you know, into me as he was taking his walk serious. And me really, you know, now developing disciplines and learning like what it is to lock in and like, give your all to God. And I can say even then, a big part of it was, what is life going to be like, if I don't, because I can't go back to the world I knew. That's right. But I'm like, I think at that point, I was still kind of coming to God to just to kind of, Lord, help me to navigate this life. I don't want to, my life to just end up being a dud. So coming to him, like, with that at my heart, with that at my mind. But I think it's like, God will take, like you said, flirt to convert, whatever it is, he'll take whatever it is. And he's like, don't worry about it. I'm gonna clean it up at the end. Because as you continue to come forward, I think in that he begins to refine you more and more,

if you're willing. Because the more that I will come towards him, the more I felt like him, like, breaking things from me, like, okay, I don't want you doing this anymore. I don't want you doing that anymore. And it's like, as I just continue to pursue, it was just more and more of a sanctification process. Looking back on it, that's what that was like, I was being, you know, I guess cleaned up. And I was willing to, to move forward in it. And I don't, I don't, I can't say of anything that just really, like, flipped a switch that just flipped in that process. I think it was just a continual forward motion in his directing. And looking back, I can definitely recognize some moments that just seem somewhat, maybe pivotal, just prayers, I would cry out to God. Like, God, I don't, I don't, I don't want just a casual relationship with you. As I'm reading these stories of the Bible, I'm seeing Moses and Abraham. And I'm like, God, look at the relationship they got to have with you. I'm like, if, if you want me to follow you like this, I want this kind of relationship with you. And those prayers, I believe God met me there, man. And here we are today. Oh, thanks, Miko. So good. So good. From future to... Yes, Miko. That's the title. So good. And a follower. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, I like that. From future to follower. Mask off. That's so good. A lot of my story is, I did not want God to exist at all. And I feel like I, like I said, I grew up in the church space. So I feel like I knew, but I was just like, life would be so much better if God did not exist, because then I could do whatever I wanted. And then I wouldn't feel guilty about any of this. And that was a lot of my story growing up was a youth group kid, did all the right things on the outside and then got to high school and was introduced to a world of temptation. I think like one girl looked my way and I was like, this is it. I found it. It was like... He was actually looking at the person behind him. Right, the guy behind me. And I was like... He saw new colors for the first time. It was like Anakin Skywalker seeing the power of the dark side. And he's like, I'm all in. That was me. And you guys, anyone? Okay. That's for you guys. Bum bum bum. Bum bum bum. So I... I just dove into that world but was still hanging on to like the good on the outside look like I'm going to church

I'm doing youth group by day, but then at night I'm texting a thousand girls trying to hook up watching pornography doing anything like social media obsessed like every post I This is a real thing that I did. I would Google good Facebook statuses and I would post whatever it says Was so obsessed with like I need people to like and fulfill me in these ways because I'm not really getting it from church and youth group but then I was miserable with all the things I was throwing my life to like nothing that I was obsessing over or the worth I was finding in girls or sports or anything it wasn't working and I was constantly just in this cycle of guilt of like and Caught between two like living both worlds and not finding satisfaction and either and being like if anyone really knew me because I was hiding All this stuff like they wouldn't love me and then people that do know me I don't think they like me very much because I'm like doing a lot of different stuff and It all kind of culminated. I played hockey and I was in this game long story short I got thrown out of the game for something I did and I'm in the locker room and I'm crying Because I realized like if you do if you get thrown out twice in a season you're done for the season like you're suspended and I Realized I wasn't that sad about Losing that sport is more like this is part of my identity like people girls kind of like me because of this and guys want to be my friend because of this and if I lose this I lose everything that I've kind of built this mountain on and over the next six months Leading into college at that time. I feel like the Lord was just slowly Pushing on me like what are you worshiping? What are you worshiping? And I Feel like things clicked for me in a way when God showed me the freedom of being known by people around me like getting to confess and repent like all my dirty stuff like the stuff where you're like I would never tell another human being this because whatever reason like getting to say that stuff out loud it Reflected I was like, oh wait, that's and then I would sit like so I would confess Person be like hey, I love you. Like I still want to be friends with you It's like oh wait, that's how God feels about me

But I never gave God that chance to show me grace and forgiveness I was just always numbing with a bunch of different stuff. And so That I just remember being like wow I want God because I want to know him and because he sees me fully and loves me fully Just you know it's the worst fear when you If someone knows you fully and doesn't love you and then it's superficial when someone loves you, but doesn't know you but God Met me in that space. He's like, I know you and I love you and I was like, okay now I want God to be real I'm like, this is what I've always wanted, but I never gave up a full chance to so You know still work in progress, but that was a moment for me for sure Yeah, that was so good I can definitely relate to the Living in a season of like life would be easier if God didn't exist I really hate home Yeah, I think for me I also I grew up in a church environment and I think for a long time I Just I went through the motions. I mean my mom was You know, she is a strong, you know believer and up until high school and was just like, all right This is what we do on Sundays We're singing in the choir. We're doing all the church skits We're going through the motions of what it feels like to be a Christian and While at home, there was just so much chaos my mom and dad I've never actually seen them never once love each other. My dad was abusive in the home towards her and Found out later in life that he was actually mentally ill and it kind of all got to this point where he became so abusive one day and My mom called the cops she took him or they took him away and I hadn't seen him since and he actually passed away not Too long ago but I think for me what that instilled in me was this desire for approval because of the desire of Provide wanted for my father who was not a good man. And I think that like translated to my view of God I just had such a bad view of who God was in my life that I

Because I feared my dad because I wanted approval from my dad, that's how I viewed God like I feared God I feared that if I didn't do the right things he would be mad at me or if and I just thought like so much approval and I think I found myself trying to find approval from friends and other people and Not really knowing my identity and I remember This was when I was like in high school. I had Someone pray over me and kind of prof like speak over me words of encouragement and it was in you know worship where I was in youth group and I felt the presence of God for the first time. And even though I'd been in church my whole life, I had just given, at that moment, given my full life over to God, like fully surrendered to Him. And even though I, not all the problems didn't go away, He began to reconstruct the idea of what Father looked like for me and reconstruct this idea of whom I am in Him, like my identity in Him. And so years now later, I stand here just looking back and thanking the Lord so much for His redemption because I felt so lost and broken in an environment in church where I felt like maybe everybody looked at me and my family and thought everything was fine, but behind closed doors, it wasn't, and how He's brought me to this place of really understanding who I am in Him and who He is as my Father. He's not mad at me, He loves me,

and I find who I am in Him, like my approval's not in anybody else. So I'm just really thankful for that. All right, whether you are someone who has done all of the right things trying to earn your way to God, or you're someone who has done all the wrong things trying to get away from God, He loves you, and He's celebrating you being home with Him. And so I'm just gonna pray for us, and we'll close that way. God, thank you for these friends. Thank you for the way that they shared their hearts, that we get to share our hearts with you. God, the good, the bad, the ugly, Lord, you see it. This world is messy, and I just see your heart, and even the way that the Father in the story of the prodigal son let his son leave to go, and have this worldly experience with just the hope and anticipation that he's gonna come home. And Lord, we are so, so grateful that you welcome us home, and not only with you, but just with a celebration. You bring a feast when we come home to you, and it's never too small whenever we come back. Whatever was happening when we were gone, whatever was happening when we're with you, and not knowing how we kind of wandered off and back, but Lord, you welcome us, and you celebrate us being in a relationship with you,

Father, because you are a good dad, and we are so grateful for that. Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving. And you make me pray, amen. That's all. ♪ D-D-D-B-D-D-B-D-D-B-D-D-B-D-B-D-B-D-D-B-D-B-D-B ♪