The Most Underused Leadership Habit

Today, we're gonna talk about the most underused leadership habit, and I promise it'll be helpful. And I want you to get the Leader Guide. I promise it'll be helpful to you and your team with lots of additional content. Go to cglp.com, download the Leader Guide. And if this is helpful to you and your team, go to cglp.com, download the Leader Guide. And if this is helpful to you and your team, go to cglp.com, download the Leader Guide. And if this is helpful to you and your team, go to cglp.com, download the Leader Guide. And if this is helpful to you, I'm gonna work hard to bring valuable, concise content. Rate the content or write a review wherever you consume it. That would be a gift to me. Let's dive in. Imagine you walk up to a vending machine and you put your money in. You make your selection. You push the button and nothing comes out. That's happened before, right? What are you gonna do? Well, you may try again. What are you gonna do? You're probably gonna walk away. Why? Because you did your part and you got nothing in return. And the same happens at your job sometime.

If you ever had a job that you just didn't love, chances are pretty good you weren't mistreated or maybe not even underpaid. But probably the biggest reason you didn't really love your job is because you didn't get anything in return. In other words, no one was appreciating the work that you put in. When you did your best and did something good, nobody said anything. Do you remember how that felt? You probably do. Now, here's an important question. Is that how anyone on your team feels right now? Think about it. Most of your team, they show up every single day. They put in the effort. They do their best. They do the hard work. And for too many of them, nothing comes back. And you might think, well, sure, they get a paycheck and they do. But a lot of people don't get much recognition at all and even less encouragement. And sometimes no one acknowledges their effort at all. And then here's what they know. They know if they do a good job, they don't hear anything. But the moment they make a mistake, they're gonna hear about it immediately. And that's what it feels like to do the work without consistent and thoughtful

and meaningful affirmation. So today I wanna talk about that habit, the most underused leadership habit. And that is offering the gift of affirmation, affirming those around you. And when we talk about affirmation, we're not talking about flattery. This is not kind of the cheap, like, good job team, when they're on the way out the door. What I'm talking about is very, very real, intentional and specific encouragement that tells the people around you that are giving the best of their day to you, to your organization, that what they do matters. And what you want them to help them know is that they matter to you. And this is so important and way more important than most leaders understand. Because if you ask most leaders, like, why are people leaving your place to go somewhere else? Most managers think, well, they're leaving for more money or they're leaving for a better opportunity. And studies show us that only about 12% of our workforce leaves for those reasons. The number one reason that people leave your place is because they don't feel valued. Let that sink in. They leave not because they feel underpaid, they leave because they feel undervalued. And this is something you can fix quickly.

So how are we gonna do it? How are we gonna affirm the people that we care about? Let's look at some ways. Number one, make it personal. You're affirming someone. And if you always appreciate everybody the same way, eventually you're not appreciating anyone because there is no one size fits all in affirmations. And what happens is a lot of times we default to saying the same thing in the same way to everyone. Good job, great work, way to go team. And this may be efficient, but it is not effective. And the reason is because people are different and they receive appreciation differently. For example, you might have heard of Gary Chapman's amazing book, Five Love Languages, and he applies it to marriage. And this applies to leadership just as much. The truth is we shouldn't show appreciation just the way that we want to receive it. And that's what we typically do. We show appreciation to others the way we feel it best. But what we wanna do is we wanna work very, very hard to understand how others best receive affirmation. And Chapman talks about the five different languages, let's talk about them in a workplace, like words of affirmation. Some people, they would just go crazy. It's easy to get a handwritten note

detailing out your gratitude, or a very specific voice text where you're telling thank you and here's what you did. A text or a voicemail that says, hey, I see you. For some people, that's their currency and it means the world to them. For others, they actually receive affirmation and feel valued with acts of service. And it's like, you don't tell them they're doing great, you actually come in and help them and jump in and lighten their load and show up in ways they didn't expect it. For some people, it's just quality time. Spending 30 minutes just talking with giving them your undivided attention. No agenda, it's just for them. For them, that's more powerful than any bonus. Some people, they feel valued with gift giving. And it could be kind of weird giving too many gifts in the workplace. But if you give something, it doesn't have to be expensive, just something that's thoughtful. Like someone likes cats and so you get them a cat calendar. Or you say, oh, here's a book that I thought you would enjoy and so I picked it up for you, just to say thank you for what you're doing. And then physical touch is one of the languages of affirmation and of course, in the workplace, that has to be appropriate.

But it could be like a high five, you know, double high five, a pat on the back. For some people, that means the world. One staff member told me this, I'm a words of affirmation guy and so I was affirming with words and the staff member said, hey, I know you're trying but your words mean nothing to me, I want time with you. And that hit me, I thought, okay, I'm appreciating you in the way that I value but you're a quality time person and so if I truly want to appreciate that person, I'm gonna do it on their terms, spending time. And the truth is this, you care about people and you could be trying to appreciate your team but they may not feel it. And I want to say this again, you may feel it in your heart but the way you're trying to express it doesn't genuinely connect with them. And it's not because you don't care but it's because you don't know how they specifically receive it. I made a mistake maybe 10 years ago and just found out about it recently that broke my heart in an effort to appreciate someone, I actually hurt them. There was a great team member that was leaving our team to go do something else and so I did what I've often done and just said like, how are we gonna make without you? Oh my gosh, this is so hard, I can't believe you're leaving,

what are we gonna do without you? And many times that makes people feel valued. Well, this particular person, it hurt them because they felt like I was making them feel guilty and like they were letting me down. And I recognized that just my general way of showing appreciation was not only not effective, it was counterproductive and hurt someone because I wasn't thoughtful in how I communicate. So if you don't know how someone feels appreciated, one of the things you can do and it seems a little bit awkward but it's not, is just say, hey, how do you best feel valued? And if you listen and get them to talk, however they answer, it could significantly change how you love and lead them and change how they feel about what they do and could extend their life, give them energy and passion for the role because you're not saying thank you in the way you like it but you're appreciating them in the way that best blesses them. Now, I'm gonna go on just a little side note and this is kind of important. Whenever someone gives broadly, almost no one appreciates specifically. And I wanna say this again, I want you to think about it. When someone gives broadly, almost no one comes back individually and says thank you. And I wanna tell you right now, be the exception.

There's a story in the Bible about Jesus healing 10 lepers and only one came back to say thank you, one in 10. And the truth is sometimes that's like way more than I've experienced in leadership. If you send one person a book, if I sent you a book, you might write me a thank you note. But one time I purchased books for our whole staff and gave them out to our whole staff and two people came back and said thank you, why? Because when you bless people broadly, they rarely appreciate specifically. And so I would just say to you, be the exception. If someone like writes a book that impacts your life, they're impacting a lot of people, you could find their email and send them a thank you note or you could write them a letter with a $5 Starbucks gift card. Or if your youth pastor impacts a lot of lives but one of them is your daughter, you can send your youth pastor a note with movie tickets. Or if five people stay late and do something specific for your workplace, send five separate emails to appreciate them specifically. If someone does a leadership podcast you love, you could write a nice review, just saying. When people tend to serve broadly, people don't appreciate specifically. And if you do that in your workplace, you will stand out as the exception and that's important to care for people.

So we're gonna make it personal. Second thing is, make your appreciation timely. Make it personal, make it timely. When you affirm, matters. is almost as much as how you affirm. And many leaders, if they do affirm, they do it at the wrong time. And you've seen this before, right? You're at the annual review, and the boss says, thank you to everybody. You're at the Christmas party, and they give the end of the year speech. But by then, the moment is gone, and because the moment's gone, the impact is diluted. And so if your team member crushes some presentation on Monday, don't tell them great job on Friday. It's nice, but the moment has passed. Imagine right after the presentation, you pull them aside, and then you say, hey, I just gotta tell you, that was unbelievable. The way you handled that question in the middle of it, it was brilliant. You may say the same exact words the following Friday as you do on that Monday afternoon, but the impact is completely different. Why? Because it was timely. So after someone does something great, after a big win, text them that afternoon, not next week.

During a hard season, you know, someone's going through a lot, put a note on their desk so when they arrive in the next morning, they've heard from you. One of my favorite things to do is whenever someone is in the moment, they're leading a presentation in a meeting, they're doing a talk at an all-staff or whatever, I like to text them in the middle of their talk or their presentation, say, man, you're blowing me away. This is incredible. So when they walk back to wherever they're going back to and they pick up the phone, the first thing they see is immediate affirmation and applause in the moment, and that goes a long way. When they're nervous, when they're doubting, they don't know if they can do it, you bring in some kind of affirmation that matters. And that's what a timely feedback does. It doesn't just encourage them, but it empowers them. It gives them life. So make it personal, make it timely, and then make it specific. And this is really, really important. It's easy to miss because so often we affirm generally or generically, great work, proud of you, way to go. That was awesome. But general affirmation, it kind of feels like a participation trophy

and nobody wants that. So what you're gonna do is you're gonna be very, very specific about details. And what that does is it says, I was paying attention and I noticed this. It's not just great job on the project, but it's like, man, the way you reorganize the timeline, like you probably saved us two weeks on the project, that's specific. When you stopped and redirected the meeting, I don't know if you noticed, but it was brilliant. We were going down the wrong way and you captured the attention and you brought everybody back. And now we've got forward moving again because of that one specific mood. It's not, thank you for your hard work. It's specifics like, hey, I noticed, man, you were here three nights extra this week and you got the proposal just right. And that matters. It made a big difference. We're moving forward because of your extra work. And so you wanna be really, really specific. And I would say this, this is gonna sound a little dramatic, but be as detailed as you think is generous and then double the amount of details. So you're saying, hey, you did this and you did this. Do it until you think that's been really, really generous

and then double it. Here's what I'll find for me is when I'm giving affirmation, I start for a while. And if I keep going, I tend to get emotional because I just feel it so deeply. And it's probably not great affirmation if I don't at some point feel emotion. If I feel emotion, it's gonna connect emotionally. If I'm just saying words without emotion, I'm not going deep enough. So I wanna just encourage you, go deep into the details, look into their eyes, say it, say it, say it. When you think you've been as generous as what feels normal and natural, double the amount of specifics and kindness that you show to them. And you're saying, I appreciate not just what you do, but I value who you are. And when you put specifics in the praise, you're not just affirming actions, but you're building identity. And then the benefit for your organization and your leadership is that what's rewarded gets repeated. So if you reward great effort and great energy and great work ethic and great details, then those get repeated. When you say good job, they don't know what's good. But if you're specific, like the way you did this, the way you listened before you responded,

the way you stepped in and actually took control of this, the way you made everyone in the room feel heard, they'll think, oh, that's what was affirmed, I'll do more of that. Remember this, general affirmation rewards effort. Specific affirmation shapes behavior. There's a difference. Hey, good job, that's just effort. Specific affirmation that shapes the behavior to become more of what you know is most effective. If I'm going to affirm and encourage someone, I'm gonna try to answer these two questions. I'm gonna ask myself, what specifically did they do? Not just what was the outcome, but what did they do that led to the outcome? What specifically? did they do, and how did their actions make a difference? So if I can go into that, here's the actions, the effort, the details that you did to create the result, and it wasn't just a result that we wanted, but organizationally, here's how it pushed the mission forward. If I think about those things, their specific actions, and the impact and difference it made, that'll give me the tools I need to affirm them in a way that really helps them feel valued. So you're gonna connect their action to impact, and that way, they don't just feel good, but they know that what they do matters. And so a really good question to ask yourself

is not just, do I appreciate my team? Start there. Do I appreciate my team? A better question is, do they feel appreciated? And I hope you're not just fast forwarding through this on 1.5 and not letting it sink in, because this really, really matters. When you truly appreciate your team, they're gonna become better. The odds are that you feel it in your heart, but they don't feel it in theirs, and you have to take what's in you, notice what they're doing, and impart that to them. It's not just important for your organization, it's important for you to care about people in a deep way. In the next episode, we're gonna talk more about this, and I'm calling the episode Stop Losing Your Best Team members, and we're gonna talk about three different things. We're gonna talk about how do you affirm down those who report to you. We're gonna talk about how do you affirm up those you report to. And then the thing very few people talk about, how do you affirm inward? How do you build yourself up as a leader? And the bottom line is this, I want you to hear it. You don't have to be the loudest leader in the room. You don't have to be the most charismatic to be someone who builds others up, but you can be a leader who notices,

because the leader who says something is the leader that can make a difference in the lives of people. You help others know that they matter, and this is not a soft skill. This is a leadership superpower, and that's why I call it the most underused leadership habit. What I want you to do is I want you to wake up, love the people that you lead. Care about their whole life, not just what they do. Care about who they are, not just what they produce. And then this week, just pick one person and tell them something specific that you value about them, and watch what it does in them, and then watch what it does in you, and watch what it does as it starts to spread to the people around you. We're not just a group of people that get things done. We're a group of people that get things done and care about the people that we do it with, and then it gets really, really fun, and that's why you're getting better, and they're getting better, and we're all getting better, and everyone wins when the leader gets better. ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪