Tedashii Talks About Anxiety

One of the things that stands out to me in scripture is the idea that the valley always leads to the mountaintop. It's really difficult to see that, like, and even in real life, if you've ever gone hiking, skiing, hunting, whatever, you start to notice how the depth of the valley is real and evident when you're in it. But to keep moving forward, you do come to the base of a mountain. You do come to the base of the mountain where you can then make your way up. I just found myself in so many valley experiences, it didn't seem like the mountain was real anymore. It felt like there was no way I would ever get out of this. And that was never the thought I had for my life growing up. I thought I was going to be the guy who was always fun-loving, always carefree, always lighthearted, always ready to be jovial, to have fun, to live out adventure, and one hardship after another. There was a shift in how I was dealing with it throughout different moments. So when Chase first passed away, I remember thinking to myself, I've got to just be strong. I've got to be strong. So I'm going to pick myself up. I'm going to go to work. I'm going to do the stuff I'm supposed to be doing. We're going to go to church, put a smile on. We're going to trust. And I still at the time, I was so bought into the idea of, I believe in Jesus. I believe in Jesus. So I felt obligated to be that way. But at some point, I broke, and I couldn't keep that up. And I learned later on, hindsight, I was living in my own strength, not the strength he provides. I tell people I have four boys. I'm the father of four boys. Jaden, who's the oldest, Chase, who's safe in heaven with Jesus, then Callan, and then Kai.

Chase passed away in March. Callan was born in December. So I was like, OK, God, so you took one son to just give us another? What are you doing? So though I love Callan, I'm angry at God for taking Chase. And I'm so embittered at the idea that I have a kid here, but I don't have the other one either. It almost sounds like those coping mechanisms and really everything, the pain, the loss, it becomes the isolation. It becomes almost our own self-imposed prison that we're in. Yes, yes. And there are things that we experience in there that I've heard you talk about. We were talking about it earlier. Anxiety is a real thing, man. It's a real thing. And there's so many of us that experience it at different levels. What was that like for you? Like, had you ever had panic attacks before? No, not really. I've had one or two before, but mild. And I didn't comprehend what it was then. So I was like, oh, I was just freaking out a little. That's what we call it. Yeah, I was just freaking out. But I remember being in my house, getting ready to go for a concert. And I was freaking out, as I called it. And I didn't know what to do. But now I can't catch my breath. And I'm in my closet. And by the time my wife comes in the room, she comes home and finds me, I'm on the ground kind of laying close to a fetal position, but I'm on the ground bawling.

I'm scared. I am terrified to leave. I don't know what to do. So I call and cancel the event. I can't leave. Fast forward, I learn what it was and what it was called. But being able to classify a problem is not a solution. But we tend to think, oh, I know what it is now. I'm good. And we stop. I was the person who was like, oh, that's called a panic attack. Oh, I'm dealing with anxiety. Got it. Time to move on with my life now. And I tried to act like I was normal again. But I'm not. I'm going through something to embrace this new normal. And now, you know, in a perfect world, my son would pass. I would live with grief in a healthy way and try to continually walk in it in a healthy way. But in reality, I was trying to deny the process. I was trying to ignore the pain. I was trying to cope with the pain. And I was trying to live like I once was, even though everything had changed. So all those things were reasons that I was looking for ways to protect myself. And I ended up, like you said, boxing myself into my own little prison, where no one was allowed in. And I was unsafe if I left it. If I go outside these parameters, I'm unsafe.

I was holding on to pain because it was my only thing. It's the only thing that really connected me to him still. So if I let go of it, it's like I don't care anymore. It's like he's, it doesn't matter, moving on. And I had a very one-sided viewpoint of engaging pain. And I thought, man, this pain ties me to him. So if I stop, do I not care anymore? And I didn't realize that care could look different. And honestly, my son would want a healthier version of me to care anyway. So I had bought into this, my own lie. I had deceived myself, but that's what happens when you live in isolation, especially dealing with anxiety. You only have yourself to go back and forth with. And we are not meant, God didn't create us to be that way. So I had to get outside of the prison I made for myself. Well, and part of the story, if I'm remembering, is that you had a couple of friends who loved you enough to walk in there, man, and to say things to you. You do, you remember well. One of the closest friends I have, some people may know him, his name is Lecrae. He's like a brother. My kids call him Uncle Cray, like he's family. Lecrae came back from a concert that I was at, and he came and met me. And he said, are you okay? Because I left the concert early, not feeling well. He said, are you okay? And I was like, no, I'm not actually.

And he was like, well, what's going on? And I was like, you don't want to know. You don't want to know. I know you don't want to know. And he was like, what are you talking about? I'm asking. And I was like, no. And in my mind, I had told myself, no one's going to understand, no one's going to care as much as I care. And if I do, they're going to try to fix me, not walk with me. So I'm done with y'all, don't talk to me. And he said, what's going on? And I told him, and this was my honest, sincere answer to him. I was like, well, God made a mistake, man. He took Chase too soon. He made a mistake. And if God makes a mistake, I don't care who it is. They need to apologize. They need to fix it. And he was like, what are you saying? And I was like, God, he needs to give me Chase back or he needs to come down and apologize for what he did. And I was so angry at God. I'm like, the God of the universe needs to come down here and apologize to me. And he said, hmm, okay, so let me get this straight. You want God to come down from heaven

and apologize to you for what happened? I said, yes. And he was like, wow, okay, I hear you. He said, man, I'm gonna just tell you though, like that is the most demonic thing I've ever heard in my life. And I was like, what? Like, it took me back. I took me about, I was like, you know what? Why would you say that? And he said, man, for you to want the God of the universe to bow to you is what Satan wanted. And I, it stopped me cold in my tracks. And all I could do was start crying. And I was like, well, and I told him as I was crying, I was like, well, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do. I've lived through, like, drinking don't work. Food doesn't work. Drugs don't work. Like, it's either I'm gonna take myself out or I'm gonna do something and run away. I don't know what to do with this. And he was like, well, the first step is not trying to make God bow to you. It sounds like you're unwilling to bow to him still. And I was like, I don't like you right now. But he was so honest with me. And then he hugged me, he prayed for me. And he was like, I'm going to bed.

Do what you gotta do. And it was that moment when he left that I was like, yeah, I don't wanna bow to you. I see that now. And so it was moments like that with other people who helped me get outside of my own isolated way of thinking to see from a different vantage point, God's love and my perspective on God that was off. But there were a few people who were willing to walk with me and whether I was bawling my eyes out or I was angry or I just wanted to sit there quietly, they were willing to do it all with me. And I realized that was the turning point for me. And even in a broader sense or a more upward sense, the God of the universe knew where I was. Yeah, man. He wasn't lost on any of this. He saw it fully. And it wasn't until I was willing to be honest with him about what he already knew that I could then be open to receive. God never has impressed his will upon me so that I became a robot that just felt whatever I needed to feel or do whatever I needed to do. It was always gonna be him inviting me into the love. So when you're talking, Psalm 73 comes into my head. I love Psalm 73. Wrestle, wrestle, wrestle.

My day is bad and tomorrow's worse. I mean, that's it. But then there's this, I think it's verse 22. I might be wrong. But it's the first point, it's like, and I was like a brute beast before you. Man, I've been that way with God, just so wrong. And then it's the next verse. Nevertheless, you held my right hand. So God loves me enough that even when I'm swinging and swaying and making a mess, he's still right there. Yes, totally. That is the, that very image is the image that keeps me. It's so funny you say that. Like that Psalm, but that image of being a brute beast. We are not, we are image bearers, but I choose to operate as just a beast that's gonna go wherever I wanna go, do whatever I wanna do. No concern for anyone else. I'm just out for my own interest until I move on to the next. And God was like, no, that's not what I called you to. I've called you a son. I adopted you into my family. This is how people who are in my family should operate. Come to, come, always come, come back to me. Come talk with me. So this is an amazingly honest journey and thank you again, but really just like a closing thought here.

It's been almost a decade now. What does hope look like right now? Yeah, it's a great question, bro. But hope looks like this for me. As I walk through the new normal of living with this for the rest of my life, I take solace in the fact that the viewpoint is my son got to skip the line. Like when you go to parks, I got to go to Universal and we had this thing called a fast pass, right? And I was doing a concert there. So they gave me this pass and every ride, we're just walking up past people and they're all looking at me like, oh yeah, loser, keep going. Like, you know, they're a little upset at me, but I'm walking up and I'm skipping the line. And then we ride the ride. And I pray often for my boys that they would know Christ, that they would live in eternity with him. And I think about Chase and I'm like, he got to skip the line. And that is a joy for me. Now, again, Paul says we don't grieve as those, as the pagans do. We grieve with hope. And so I grieve, but I'm doing my best to do so with that hope. To me, that's what hope looks like. And you celebrate life.

Amen. And the whole goal for me is to walk with other people and provide a present help for future hope. Just trying to get to the next day. But what I can do is be a present help because I currently recognize for wherever I am in my journey, that hope is possible. I believe it genuinely is possible. Amen. Amen. Naomi. Steve.