Spiritual Pathways || Phase 1 | Lesson Four

I remember one early morning while I was on campus while I was in rehab and I was just kind of out killing time like you do when you're in rehab because it feels like there's lots of stuff to do but then there's also lots of there was also lots of just downtime and I was early on in the program and I was walking across the campus and I ran into the chaplain and he just kind of stopped me in what seemed like a by chance meeting and said hey man Matt how you doing and I was I was feeling pretty low at that time away from my family the consequences of my consistent decision to stay in my addiction had landed me in a place I'd spent the first few weeks of me being there really complaining about all the things about the treatment center that I was in before I got to the point where I realized the only reason that I needed to complain about a treatment center is because I had lived my life in such a way where I needed to go to a treatment center but I kind of got to this point where I was really wrestling with where where God was for me I've been a pastor for a long time and didn't even didn't know really what I what I had absolutely I believed anymore had absolute belief in and man I'm so grateful that God was doing for me what he could what I couldn't do for myself because in one of those moments as I'm walking across campus I run into this the chaplain and he says Matt how you doing and I said man I don't know you know I'm kind of wrestling I started unpacking it for him and he was like would you believe that God loves you and I'm like yeah yeah I kind of believe that it was a kind of a standard answer you're supposed to say you believe God loves you yes I believe that and he said he kind of asked me why did why'd you hesitate when you answered that and I was like man I don't know I don't know and he said what you believe God loves me and I'm like oh yeah I believe that you know and do you believe that you believe that God loves he's named some other people that I was in treatment with and I said yeah man I believe that and he was like so why do you hesitate when I ask if you believe God loves you and it was I kind of had to dig a little bit I wasn't really sure why I believed that but I had to dig a little bit to unpack that in me of like why why am I why do I feel like that what I'm not sure if God loves me and

what it came down to was like I said yeah I think I think he kind of loves me maybe because he has to I think it's like he I said the prayer I follow the guidelines so he has to make God loves me but I really don't know if God likes me and you know maybe I've used up all my chances or maybe like I feel like there was this this thought and mom I know there was this thought for me of man you should if I should have known better like I'd know I knew enough of the Bible I should have known better than to still struggle and the chaplain let me talk for a minute and I was going on this thing and I was feeling really good about what I was saying and I was expecting this response from him of like man it's so hard you're doing so good keep this whatever I was expecting him to come with something like that and he looks me in the eye and goes that's pretty arrogant of you bro and it completely like made me stop like I'm like what do you mean he's it's pretty arrogant of you to think that you get to decide who God loves and how much God loves and what I what I've come to realize out of that is man ask if you've ever asked yourself that question does does God love me or does God just like theologically obligated to put up with me because he set out some guidelines I said the prayer I got baptized I've done the things I just believe God kind of has to now like maybe God loves me but I'm pretty sure that God doesn't want me around or God doesn't like me and what I realized is maybe you have that question and it's really easy for us to put that question or those thoughts on God because that's been the reality of the relationships that we've experienced on earth you know the picture that we're supposed to have of our families or the the ones that are our parents that are supposed to be the the most loving people that accept us and all that stuff for a lot of us that doesn't define what our relationship was like with them and so it's like if my own parents didn't really want me then how how can is that I can see how can this God that I can't see how can I believe that he loves me or that he wants me there's a quote from JD Greer that says there's nothing that you can do to make God love you anymore and there's nothing that you've done to make God love you any less and that's because God's love is

not founded in our performance God's love is founded in his nature scripture says that God is love he loves you not based on your performance God doesn't feel like he got stuck with you because you said a prayer There's a story in Luke chapter 15. It's called the story of the prodigal son. And in the story of the prodigal son, this guy, one of the children of this wealthy man asks for his share of the inheritance early, which inheritance comes when someone dies. And so essentially he's looking at his dad and saying, I would rather have the money than your life. I would rather you be dead. And scripture says that he went off to a far away land and he blew it all, all the money he had on wild living. And those of us that are addicts and alcoholics, we've been on those well-known sprees, right? Like the big book talks about. And we spend all the money, all the resources we had, all the stuff that was there, we spend it all. And then we land in this place, like the story of the man, like the son in this story, that he was sitting in a field feeding pigs, wishing he could eat what the pigs were eating. And he said, you know, servants eat better at my dad's place than I would eat here. I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna ask if I can just get a job as a servant. And that feels good, right? Like I'm okay with, I don't want to go back to the place that I was at.

I just want to get back to a place where it's better. Like I have forsaken, I've given up my right or my status as somebody, as a child of this person. But I just wanna be able to go back, like that feels safe. And what's so cool about the story is that in Luke 15, 19, where it's recorded, it said, but while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion on him. And he ran to his son and he threw his arms around him and he kissed him. That even before the son was able to give the speech that he had come up with in his head to try to get a place where he was just allowed to be back at the farm, before he was able to even give the justification, before he was even able to say he was sorry. Like literally all he did was come to the end of himself in a field and get up and start walking home. And while he was still a long way off, the father saw him and jumped off the porch and ran to him. So today, if you're asking yourself that question, does God love me? No, you don't get to decide what gets the old man off the porch. Like coming home, coming to the end of myself and just starting the pathway home. You don't have to use your speech about why you don't deserve to be here. Because God's love for you is not based on your performance. God's love for you is based on his character.

God is love and God loves you.