Raising Resilient Kids

Oh, how wonderful. Oh, my goodness. Oh, please. Please, please. Vicki and I are so excited to be back, and it's been 12 years. And Pastor Josh and Janay, don't you love Pastor Josh and Janay? Come on, they are, God is using them so powerfully. But it is such an honor to be able to come back and share, in the context of this series that we'll get into in just a moment, but we just want to share our heart a little bit about the joy that we have in coming back and seeing so many faces that we recognize, which is really a lot of fun. But I got to tell you, what's even more meaningful are all the faces we don't know, which means the church is growing. Come on, put your hands together. The church is growing. You're impacting this city, this region, Garrison and Dickinson, and it's just so very, very exciting. It's an honor. You just know when you step into a place and it feels familiar, this is one of those places for Vicki and for me, and we couldn't be more proud of what God's been doing through Pastor Josh and Janay and all the staff and you as a congregation. It's really, really exciting. We're honored. I've been watching the last two messages in this series to kind of help us to understand where we can contribute in this healthy relationship family kind of message series. And so we are going to bring a message on parenting. I mean, some of you are raising children. Some of you are grandparents. You're helping raise children. Some of you are mentoring kids. Some of you are coaching kids. Some of you are school teachers to kids.

And all of you that are working with children, you know that it's a challenging day to raise kids, and so we hope to bring some encouragement and a few tips in making it to be just an awareness of how significantly influential we are in raising the next generation. Listen, the devil has a strategy to bring down the kingdom of God or at least slow it down. He'd love to bring it to extinction, and his best strategy is not to go after us because we'd all take a bullet for Jesus because he saved us, and we know that when we die we go to be with him. So we'll die for the Lord, but our children don't really know that yet, and so the devil goes after the kids. And so that's why this particular message is so important to reinforce you as parents and grandparents and all of you that have influence over children. So, Vicki, what are you thinking about in terms of being back here at Evangel? Well, it feels very much like home, and we like it. We like all of you. And so it's great to be here. There's many of you, however, that we don't know, and this is the first time that you are meeting us, and so we want to share just a little bit about our family and our journey. Doug and I have been married for 41 years, and we have four. Thank you. We have four adult children, three sons, Kyle, Kirk, and Caleb, and our favorite daughter because we only have one. Her name is Carly. And they are all married, and they have given us 12 grandkids, and so we're in the grandparent mode, which is awesome.

That's a football team with one sub. So when we left Evangel in 2014, Doug really poured into the next generation of ministers at North Central University. That's what he's been doing the last 12 years. I have been on staff at a church as a pastor, and it's been a great journey. We have continued in ministry. It just looked a lot different than it did here at Evangel, but we've both grown. And, yeah, I want to show you a picture because those of you who do know us might be curious, but this was taken a year and a half ago at our daughter's wedding. Here's 11 of our grandchildren. And then the next picture will show our newest grandson. His name is David Christopher, born to our daughter Carly. So those are always fun. So let me begin by stating the obvious related to parenting. Parenting is different today than it has been in all previous generations. There is so much that has happened in culture these days that make the job, the responsibility of raising kids altogether different. This generation of parents are carrying pressures on them that the world, the culture has created that many of us didn't have to deal with when we were raising our kids. Our kids are living, and we are raising kids in a world where phones are in every pocket, screens are in every room, noise is all day long, schedules that never quit, and our kids are dealing with pressures to compare

and pressures to perform. And we as parents, Parents were facing the onslaught of everybody else's opinion on how we should be raising our kids. I mean, years ago, if you wanted to tell someone how to raise their kids, you'd have to tell them, be bold enough to tell it to them face, but now you can do it online while you're still in your pajama pants. I mean, it's difficult in being parents these days. But here's a key factor that makes this the challenge that it is today. Kids are growing up faster than ever before because of technology. And there's nothing inherently evil about technology, but because of the increase in knowledge and all of the technology and how fast culture is changing over time, our kids are having to grow up really fast. Now, the youngest generation among us, the expert tell us, called them the Generation Alpha, Gen Alpha. These are children that have been born since 2010. And they are the first generation that are fully digital. Meaning they don't know a world without smartphones. They don't know a world without YouTube. They don't know a world without Alexa. You know, they don't know a world without all of these gadgets that make life

a little bit more convenient, but it can make it a little bit more confusing as well. Some of our kids learn how to work a tablet before they learn to tie their shoes. And how many of you have grandkids that can tell you how to figure out your phone and your smart television, and it's pretty impressive, but it can be also quite unsettling. It's so true. Our oldest granddaughter, whom is 11, she actually helps me when I download a new app. She knows how to run it before I do, and she teaches me, so grateful. But today's kids have many strengths. They are bright, they are aware, they truly care about people, they often ask thoughtful questions. But researchers also tell us that they are struggling with anxiety, patience, resilience, handling disappointment, independence, and so let me say this. They know what they feel, but they don't always know how to bounce back. And so, as a result, parents, we feel the weight of that too. Parents love their kids deeply. You care about your kids. You want to do parenting right. You want your kids healthy and whole and grounded. You want them to know Jesus, and listen, that matters.

But many parents also feel worn down and tired because now parenting can feel a lot like being a chauffeur, a counselor, a homework coach, schedule manager, a referee, nutrition expert, technology police, and spiritual leader, and sometimes all before breakfast. Then somebody says, now, you need to enjoy every moment. And you say, I am trying, but somebody just dumped syrup all over the dog. So here's the good news that we want you all to hear that many of you are not aware of. In light of all the changes in culture and all of the screens and all the outside voices, hear this, children still say that their parents are the biggest influence in their lives. That's significant. I mean, researchers are surveying children around the world, teenagers around the world, and over 80% of teenagers are saying, parents are the loudest voice in my life. They're most important to me. So it's important that we as parents, and even grandparents, understand that our voice matters to them. They want to hear us. They need to hear us. Now, you may not always feel that they want to hear your voice. They might give off the way they behave in such a way that they don't wanna hear your voice. And they might act in ways that they hear your voice,

but they do the exact opposite. But understand, you are the powerhouse influence, moms and dads, in the lives of your children. However, it sets us up for a trap that we need to be aware of. Let me explain it this way. Because we love our kids so much, we think that we love them by removing all of their struggles. You've heard of helicopter parents? You know, it's the kind of parents that are always hovering over their kids, gotta watch everything, every move they make, gotta be there. Well, helicopter parents aren't nothing compared to snowplow parents. These are the parents that go before the children and clear out the way so that everything is easy for them and everything is smooth. And when we rush in too quickly and we rescue too early and we fix things constantly and we're willing to negotiate everything. All for the purpose of relieving their discomfort. What's really happening is we're eliminating some good life lessons that life could be teaching them. Because with every challenge that we remove, we're also removing some life lessons. How do I know that? Well, we all know that strength grows through resistance. Faith grows through testing.

Character grows through responsibility, and sometimes responsibility that they fail in. And wisdom always is the result of consequences. I was in Target a few weeks ago, and I saw this guy who looked like he had run a lot of miles. He looked a little rough, and his T-shirt said this. Good judgment comes through wisdom, and wisdom comes through bad judgment. Can anybody say amen to that? Yeah, we all can. Which brings me back to this concept of the parenting trap. Sometimes what feels loving in the moment is not loving in the long run. And what sometimes feels hard in the moment, like I wanna rush in, I wanna fix it, I wanna make it easy. If I hold back and let them struggle, it actually becomes a gift for them later on. How many adult children eventually say to their mom and dad, like especially when they're starting to raise their kids, they come to us and they say, Dad, I wanna thank you for making me work through my struggles, because I hated it then, but I'm grateful for it because of what I learned having to go through that. So parenting takes a lot of courage. And this is why parenting is risky. You gotta risk some things in the process

of raising kids who are resilient. Because culture says keep them comfortable, yet God says prepare them for the discomfort. Because you're not always gonna be there to rescue them. And to make it easy for them. Culture says keep them happy, and God says help them grow up. Culture says be their buddy, and God says be their parent. Culture says give them everything, and God says no one gets everything. Teach them stewardship. So today we wanna talk about three ways to raise resilient kids, which demands that we risk three things. And the first one is what Vicki wants to point out. Now before I tell you the first thing, here's a fact. Some of the most loving things a parent can do feels risky in the moment. But it will produce strength for a lifetime. So the first thing we want you to know is this. Parents need to risk failure. You can't worry about your reputation, you can't worry about your kid's reputation, because kids are gonna mess up, and sometimes urgency kicks in when our child has failed, and we don't want them to feel bad, or we don't want it to be a scar on our family. And so we allow our children

to sometimes go through tough times or face natural consequences. We struggle to do that, but life can be their greatest teacher. Proverbs 22 says direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. The word direct is, it implies intentional training. Training our kids on purpose. It's important to train them when they're young, because it's not easy or fun to teach a 13-year-old what they should have learned when they were two. And especially the word no. That doesn't go very well. And so our kids, they need truth spoken over them, and we need to speak the truth and love to them. Your kids handle failure, they handle disappointment. Best if we place boundaries around them. Your kids will, they need to see you living. You know, we face failure sometimes, and we make mistakes, and how do we handle that, and how do we model that? Our kids are watching, and they are taking notes, because often, how they handle things in life reflects how we've handled things in life. So a main concept that we recognize is that children today are deeply loved by their parents. I don't think that's in question at all. But many kids are unprepared. They're unprepared of what life is going to hit them in the face with after they leave our houses.

And we need to start training that early. Let me give you a classic story, a little illustration of what happened when I was having some fun with my two five-year-old twin grandsons. Grandsons are awesome, and twin grandsons are even. more awesome. And so we were together a couple of weeks ago and we were in the backyard and I decided we were gonna have races. We were gonna race in the backyard, back to back, you know, these little races. I was gonna race these two little five years olds and just let me tell you, I can still outrun a five year old, barely. Short distances and if I've got a tailwind, I can still beat them. Anyway, we lined up and on your mark, get set, go and I did, I did hold back a little bit so that they could win, just to give them that sense of accomplishment. But it didn't take long and as we were going back and forth, racing, you know, back and forth, these two little guys, even though they're twins, they're different. And one of them is naturally faster than the other. And the one who wasn't winning had to work a lot harder and as we kept racing, it became obvious, he was never gonna win any of the races

and you could see it. The realization began to hit this little boy and he began to get more discouraged and yes, eventually, the tears. And it was the first time, I believe that he was feeling that reality in life that I don't, maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe there's something wrong with me. And as parents, we know that moment when it's happening and we wanna fix it, we wanna eliminate it. We don't ever want our kid to feel like they're not good enough. And the Holy Spirit had to pull me back from wanting to fix it because I wanted to fix it. I wanted to rescue it. I wanted to even it out. I wanted to give that slower one a head start. I wanted to change the outcome. I wanted it to be fair because it hurts when you see a child not able to win. The Holy Spirit reminded me, they're not gonna win at everything. They're gonna suffer some defeats and some losses. So instead of rescuing them, I said, hey, fellas, let's sit down. And so we talked and I began to talk to them about the fact that everyone's different. We don't all learn at the same pace and that's not a bad thing, not a bad thing. In fact, it's actually part of growing up.

So instead of rescuing, we talked about this fact that it's not a mistake in how God made us, that some of times we're faster and sometimes we're slower. That's okay. I had to remind the one who wasn't able to win any of the races that actually he was better at some things than he was, than his brother was. And so in that sense, it was teaching them about setbacks and teaching them about resilience and teaching them about identity, that we're not identified by win or loss and teaching them about perseverance. Hopefully what I was trying to deposit in these two little five-year-olds is that they should never give up even though they don't win something. They should keep trying and they should never measure their sense of worth by comparing themselves to someone else, including their twin brother. And then it just reminded me that we as parents and grandparents, we're constantly standing in that same moment. It's that tension between, do I step in, do I rescue or do I let her struggle? Do I let him struggle so that they can grow? Those are tough lessons, but it's exactly what we need to be recognizing in those moments so that we can prepare our kids with resiliency.

Let me make this practical and how this played out in our family. We saw the following in our home as our kids were growing up. A failed class that had to be retaken. A paper that wasn't turned in and earned an F. Being late for practice and dealing with the consequences of not being able to play the game. And as parents, you feel the tension. Do I step in? Do I fix it? Do I make a call to the teacher or coach and some parents have made phone calls over things that our parents actually would have laughed at. It's a different generation. Listen, our kids need to struggle. They need disappointment. They need limits. They need experience that feels quite honestly like a wrecking ball. It hurts. We're to give them support, not rescue them. And that crushing experience is actually like a weight against our muscles that create these micro tears in muscle tissues. And in recovery, those fibers heal and they come back bigger and stronger. But if we rescue our kids from any or every muscle tearing struggle that they face their resistant muscles don't reach their full potential and So is it any wonder that in God's Word?

He says in Romans 5 3 we can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials For we know that they help us develop Endurance, this is a prime example of those muscle fibers breaking down But then muscles coming back stronger Romans 8 28 says and we know that God Causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose And I like Hebrews chapter 12 verses 7 and 8 that says as you endure this divine discipline Remember that God is treating you as his own children Whoever heard of a child who was never disciplined by its father If God doesn't discipline you as he does all of his children It means that you are illegitimate and you're not really his children at all so God allows us to feel the pain of maybe direct discipline or the discipline of Consequences that comes down upon us because of a mistake. We've made God allows us to wrestle through that discomfort of discipline Ultimately when your child fails, it's not your reputation. That's at stake What's at stake is the image of Christ in you as a parent to recognize how God can use this to strengthen your child? Some of you have heard the story of our son Kirk who before we move back to Bismarck in He was in his high school and he was committing a criminal behavior stealing money out of lockers and he got arrested And I want to tell you that was very difficult for us we were pastors in a smaller community and and and we had to wrestle with the fact that Our concern is not about our image Our concern this is not about how this reflects on the family Our primary concern was that our son would bear the full Consequential weight of his crimes so that he would learn and not end up in prison one day but had we rescued and had we had we Pled that he not be punished it could have stunted and short-circuited the learning process Our concern was that we would handle this as parents in a way that would reflect The testimony of Christ in us as we worked with the authorities to administer what was appropriate for his behavior so as loving and wise parents don't Don't remove hardship as your default as a snowplow parent, but help your child deal with the failure struggle with the failure

So they can ultimately learn from that failure Now we've learned that parents need to risk failure and the second thing we're going to talk about is that parents need to risk friendship Now don't respond by raising your hand But think about this how many of you as a parent have either felt or feel? Currently the pressure to be your child's best friend Many parents want to be friends with their child right at the beginning of their life friendship with a two-year-old Let's be besties, but listen friendship by net definition means that you are in a peer Relationship which puts the child on the same level as the parent and here's the issue It's very confusing for the child in their little mind You've worked hard to establish this buddy-buddy relationship, and then when it's time to go to bed It's like mom and dad have turned into the monster all day We were best friends and now all of a sudden mommy and daddy have gotten really Bossy, and you can see them putting their little hand on their hip and saying well You're not the boss of me, and so it's been said if your eight-year-old has veto power You are no longer parenting, but you are in a committee meeting So friendship status with your kids It's the goal But it's not the starting place and as the goal friendship status needs to be saved for young adulthood When your kids reach that stage when your authority is no longer needed or appropriate to keep them safe and young adults actually the stage can be very beautiful when we learn to respect their perspectives and We are even Challenged by their points of view that is beautiful, and that's the stage We're currently in and it's not beautiful however when your kids are teenagers or the even younger Because they have unilateral Negotiating power with mom and dad all through the growing years and it's not designed to be that way So let me remind you of the research that is out there and that is 80% of children Say their parents are the most important voice in their life. Okay, you're more influential than their peers

Ultimately, you're more influential than celebrities even though they're gaga about celebrities or influencers or Athletes, they're influenced by all of those groups of people, but they're still mostly Influenced by your voice, so don't underestimate your influence Your child needs you I dare say your child wants you to be the leader in the home Not their best friend in the home So since they look to you the most don't surrender your role Don't surrender your authority by trying to become their friend or their peer Notice what Paul writes to the church at Ephesus and he's speaking specifically to fathers But it also this concept applies to moms as well He says this fathers don't provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Basically don't be overly harsh Don't be overly Authoritarian don't be over Dictator I mean don't push it so hard But on the other hand he says rather bring them up with discipline and the instruction that comes from the Lord So we don't want to be over harsh, but we've got to provide leadership in the home. Think about it peers don't correct peers That's just not the nature of it. How many of you have said to your friends recently? Hey, you need a timeout and think about what you just said to me We don't say that to our friends and so we've got to be careful that we don't bring the The child-parent relationship to that peer relationship level. So I think you get the picture So we're gonna move on first. We learned that parents need to risk failure Parents need to risk friendship. And the third thing is parents need to risk freedom We need to set limits now so that there can be true freedom in our kids lives later on But this truth is always easier in concept than it is in practice and especially When we're tired It's a challenge to say no, especially if there really isn't a reason to say no Here's the concept that we need to understand this morning Our yes can't be the only reward a good kid gets

Sometimes a really good kid who maybe even had a really good day still needs to hear the word. No No creates an opportunity for them to grow grow in trust respect patience and Submission but it is really hard on our heart because we want to bless our kids We want to give them what they didn't have We grew up in a generation where our moms didn't let us go running through the house to get a drink of water in Midsummer they said no back out use the garden hose and get a drink Today's kids. However, they get filtered water in a personalized water bottle That's the world we will live in So Jill Rigby says in her book raising respectful children in a disrespectful world She says the more we give our kids the less they appreciate us which leads to disrespect She goes on to say that when we give too much and expect too little we end up with kids who are selfish and unappreciative Essentially what's happening is that we're not training them to be independent. We're actually Training them to become dependent on us So giving our children everything they want can actually cost them everything they need Proverbs 2021 says an inheritance obtained too early is not a blessing in the end So today's kids are growing up on demand in this world wanting instant They want music Instantly they want entertainment Instantly they want answers instantly. They want delivery instantly But here's what we need to understand Character is never instant Gratitude is never instant maturity never instant Walking with Jesus not instant So as we close this morning, we want to bring back the big picture that we're talking about this morning

And I hope that this message helps you understand that our kids need resilience in their life in order to to thrive, and since we want our kids to be resilient, we have to risk failure. That means let them struggle and let life teach them. We have to risk friendship. We have to lead now so we can enjoy relationship later. And we have to risk freedom, which means we're gonna set true boundaries so that they can experience the freedom as they grow. I want you to bow your heads. And it takes courage to be a parent today. It takes trusting God when it's not comfortable. It requires us to hold the line when it would just be a whole lot easier to negotiate for peace. Culture is loud, screens are loud, pressure is loud, but your voice, mom and dad, still matters most. Here's what's on the horizon for every parent who's currently, currently raising children. The day's gonna come and the toys will be gone, the bedroom will be quiet, the backpacks will disappear. You'll no longer have car seats for kids. And you'd give anything to hear those little feet running through the house again. So, I know you're tired. I know many of you feel like, man, the days are so long. I pick up a mess and I turn around and it's a mess again. Listen, these years with these kids are sacred. So be assured that God is faithfully working

in unseen ways, and he's doing so through parents that are tired and who are at their wit's end, and he's working through parents who just are not gonna give up on those kids. Please, don't give up on those kids and what God can do. Father, bless these parents and grandparents, aunties and uncles, older cousins, older brothers and sisters, all the coaches in the house, all the teachers that are here, every single person that has the privilege of interacting and depositing something good in the life of a child every day. Bless us all as we raise up a resilient next generation in your name, amen.