Overcomplicating Simple Things

to write down. And they're not just to write down, they're to pray. So when you take notes, you're writing things down to pray. And this is very important, OK? And so let's kick it off here. Don't you guys love it when mom talks in the house too? Not just dad? You need both voices in the home. You need mom and dad, and so it's very powerful, OK? Lord, guard our mouth so our marriage stays unified. Let's all pray it. Lift your hands again. Everybody say it. Say, Lord, guard our mouths so our marriage stays unified. Again, Lord, guard our mouths so our marriage stays unified. Let's give some scripture here, Ephesians. Ephesians 4, 2, with all loneliness and gentleness, with long-suffering, bearing with one another in love. When was the last time your spouse told you you're so lowly? Or gentle. And gentle. Bear with us, right? Bear with us. Bear with us in love, OK? We want to be gentle. Let's all pray this first. It's going to be a lot of prayer today. Because how many of you know you can't change your spouse? Some of y'all are like, I'm still working on it. You can't change your spouse.

How many of you know you can't even change you? How many have some things about you that you want to change about you and can't seem to change about you? And here you come with your broken self trying to change other people. So what does that mean? We've got to have grace. We've got to have grace. We can't even change ourselves. We don't have grace. Only the Lord. So let's pray it. Everybody lift their hands. Say, Jesus. I surrender to you. Help me be gentle. Help me be lowly. Help me bear with my family. In love. In Jesus' name. The Ephesians 525. Husbands, love your wives. As Christ loves the church. Gave himself for it. Christ died for the church. Marriage is about death. You can say amen. It don't work unless you die. You've got to die to your will.

You've got to die to your way. Right? It can't all be about you. Marriage cannot be about independence. If you want to be independent, don't get married. Marriage is about interdependence. It's hard because it's Western culture because we live in America and we have a big, you know, we have a declaration of independence. And I'm praise God for America, but I'm just saying, marriage is not about independence. It's about interdependence. I need you. I need you. I need you. The older I get, the more I need her. You know, that's my nurse. The older I get. I see these older guys get in relationships with these young women. I'm like, what are you doing? You need a nurse. You're going to have a stroke one day and think-- she's going to think you're making faces at her instead of getting your medication. You need a nurse who knows the signs of stroke. Get you to hospital. Save your life. Genesis 2, 21 through 23. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam

and he slept. And he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man, he had made into a woman. And he brought her to the man. And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. So before God spoke, marriage vows. He demonstrates unity through silence because Adam did not watch Eve being formed. He slept. And it teaches us, I think, that covenant is built by trust, not control. You've got trust. And he wasn't taken from his head, meaning she's not to rule over him, she wasn't taken from his foot, that he would be over her. She was taken from his side. His bride was birthed out of his side the same way the church was birthed out of the side of Christ. Remember when Christ was pierced and the Bible says that blood and water flowed out of his side and the New Testament was in his blood. Come on, his bride, the church, was birthed out of Christ's side. Symbolic of this story here in Genesis. That even though we are of equal value to the Lord, we are not of equal responsibility.

That when Eve sinned and Adam sinned, God didn't even say anything to Eve. He didn't even talk to Eve about it. Who did he talk to? Talk to Adam, why? Because he was responsible. So even though husbands and wives are of equal value, they are not of equal responsibility before the Lord. Husbands, you are the head of your house. You are the pastor of your own. You are the pastor of your home. Before you start judging people, can you get your wife to pray? Can you get your children to love Jesus? Come on. Can you get your church to serve and give one another? Can you get them to love one another? May we first be famous in our home. Come on. So many times we're worried about everything else going on in the world and losing our own house. See, one of the things about Jesus is Jesus makes you look at you. We're good at looking at other people. How many of you are good at pointing out problems with other people? If they were hiring that position, we need somebody who can point out what's wrong with others. How many of you are like, I am more than qualified. Some of y'all got three doxorates in that.

Come on, amen. But when it comes to looking at you, right? - That's tricky. There's nothing wrong with me. - Right, there's nothing wrong with me. What could possibly be wrong with me, right? Let's move on, 'cause that don't make 'em happy. - There's no amens on that. - No. But marriage is not just about words, it's about oneness, communication. Most people are frustrated because they can't express how they feel. And the reason you need to pray and go to the cross every morning and die. You gotta figure out how long it takes you to die. It takes me about 90 minutes. I can feel it. The cross was not a quick death on average, it took about four to five hours for people to down the cross. It takes time to kill you every morning. The Christ may live in you. Come on, church. - That's right. - It takes how long? You should know by now. You should know. If you don't know, ask your spouse. Nope, you ain't dead yet, go pray.

He's still got too much of you in there still. Come on, amen. I'm being a little silly, but your marriage is not gonna be any better than your mouth. You wanna heal your marriage, you gotta get God to heal this and when you spend time with him, you've heard me say this, but I'm gonna keep saying it. When you spend time with him, he anoints your words and your words start to heal. Your words work. And when your words begin to work, you become like addicted to spending time with Jesus. Because the frustration you have is because your words don't work. In the same way a pastor has to pray so that when he talks to his people, the words work, you're the pastor of your home. And your congregation, which is your family, is counting on you to spend time with Jesus, so that your words work. Watching YouTube is not gonna anoint your words. Watching Instagram is not gonna anoint your words. These things are not gonna anoint you. Only time with Jesus. I'm of you know, you need an anointing to be a husband or a wife or a son or a daughter or a parent. And I'm telling you, the frustration level that builds is because your words don't work. So then you start yelling.

Or you start pouting, right? Because our words don't work. Or you withdraw. Or you start using manipulation. You know, all these kind of things. It's all of this is because we won't pray. People will pout for weeks, but they won't pray. People will withhold intimacy for months, but they won't pray. - Yeah. - God heal us. Let's all pray it now. Lift your hands again. Man, they pray a lot in this church. I repent of hurting my family with my words. I repent, Lord, of not spending the time with you so that my words are anointed. Forgive me, O God, in Jesus' name. Come on, give God praise now if you believe in amen. You know, communication is meant to protect the oneness. If you don't communicate, it just fractures it. And then it's just the unity then starts to grow further and further away. So that's why communication is key to the intimacy, to that oneness, to understanding each other because then you're dealing with five, 10, 15, 20 years of undisclosed pain that you're dealing with, especially as women, we kind of bury things. And so if you don't talk about them, or you don't feel like you can talk about them, you have to work on that, being able to communicate how you're feeling, not in a place of anger or frustration or when you're upset. But hey, let's talk about this because it's really bothering me. And then both parties need to be able to sit and listen to what that person's feeling because it brings healing to that. And you need that oneness in order to have a successful marriage where you can talk and communicate and apologize and forgiveness happens and grace comes into play and mercy and love and peace comes into your home because you guys can communicate about issues and problems that you're having without it just blowing up. Praise the Lord. And that's from spending time with Jesus. It only comes with spending time with Jesus. When I don't spend time with Jesus, who am I like? You're like you. You're not like the

Lord. You're like you. You complain a lot. Only the Lord makes this loving, kind, caring, healing, gentle, compassionate people. Come on, church. You know, the average couple spends less than 10 minutes a day in meaningful communication. We've got to talk. Yeah. Meaningful communication. So if that's just for the couples, imagine what the family gets. If the couples are only getting 10 minutes a day, imagine what the kids are getting. Yeah, so that means homes are filled with noise, but they lack understanding. Yeah. Joanna and I learned early. You know, we don't, you know, I'm faster with my words than her. And so I can like over talk her. So we would like plan to talk. Or I'm just more like Jesus. You are more like Jesus. You are. Victoria is the most like the Lord, but she joins a close runner up. But it's like, we always say whoever forgives first is more, most like Jesus. So I go, I forgive you. I'm more like Jesus. Amen. But you got to know your roles. Okay. It's under the kids in there. They're having a blast. We're going to try to give them a lot of sugar and then give them back to you all. I'm just kidding. I don't know if they're giving them sugar or not. But you got to know your roles. Okay. Husbands, you're the head of the house. And that means you got to take some responsibility there. And women, you know, wives, let your husband, you have to let him have that role. You know, I try to say things right. I don't do it well. But it's hard to be a good man to a woman who enjoys being a good man. Like, what part am I going to play if you're doing it all? Like, let him have that role. Like, like, there's so many roles. There's mom's role. And I can't do mom's role. There's the wife role. I can't do the wife role. There's a husband role. You know, and there's there's the kids role. Like, like, you've got to allow, you've got to allow your husband to lead. And in leadership, they will make mistakes. What you don't want your husband to do is get to the place where he has no confidence in his own opinions. Sometimes I let my sons decide things and I go, that's not. And sometimes I, I even have staff and I'll have younger staff and they'll want to do something and Pastor Andrew and I who've been doing this for two decades will look at each other and go, okay, let's do it. You know, praise God. me, it's more important for them to have confidence in their decisions than to be like, what do you think? What do you think? What do you think?

What do you think? And they don't believe in themselves. Paul says, "I can do all things through who strengthens me, but Christ can't strengthen an eye that can't do before he believes in God he has to believe in himself." Everybody say, "I can do." So sometimes, I mean, Joanne does it to me. I want to do something. She's like, "Okay." I trust you, and I can tell, you already know how this is going to end, don't you? Go on, lead, and then you learn like Joanne has discernment, and she'll be like, "Look, I'm just telling you. I see this." I'm like, "Why do you have to see that? Why do you have to?" She just can see things. I've learned. My wife has seen things five years in advance, and I've seen like, Andrew knows what I'm talking about. She'll bring stuff up, and she's like, "I'm just telling you, we're like, get out of here. There's no way." And then sure enough, it's like, "All right, that's scary." Your wife has eyes that you don't have. Amen? Not just in the car. In business, in parenting, like in all kinds of things. Roles matter. And roles do not compete, they complete. It's right. Not a competition. It's not a competition.

And you know, in Genesis, God made them male and female. They're two genders, by the way. If you just told me in seminary, like, "Hey, this is going to be a big thing. You really got a minute one day. You're going to have to make this a big deal." I had a thought. Watch out of your mind. It's two genders. God made them and female, okay? Which means the difference was designed, not accidental. And marriage thrives when we value each other's differences, okay? So even in personality, even in all kinds of things, like, it's not a negative that us women think differently than guys. Oh, wonderful. And so then saying, like, "How do you see that? Or how do you see that?" Yeah, because we think differently. We just see things differently. And that's not a bad thing. See it as an asset more than a liability, I guess, more than something that's a problem. Let's see it like, okay, how can I understand how you're thinking, or what do you mean by that? I'm just reading from them of how they process things. If you own her feelings, it's a positive. Her tears, she feels things that I can't always feel. She cries tears that I can't cry, but those are mine. Those are also my feelings. Those are all she came out of me. Come on. She experiences those things, and so instead of me getting frustrated at her tears, those

are my feelings. Thank you for feeling things that I can't feel. Thank you for having emotions that I don't have. Thank you for having discernment that I don't have. Come on. You see what I'm saying? So now instead of being frustrated at it, I'm thankful for it, because I now get all of these things that I cannot produce on my own. Come on. I mean, yes, you asked, send a guy to a wedding and ask him, how was the wedding? I'll tell you how. We have one word to describe, but how was it? Good. It's good. They got married. The purpose of the whole thing happened. What was the dress like, was white, and it was just like, what are you talking about, right? I don't know. I can't just say, you know, the Lord made marriage to be like, like, when he sees us, we're one. Like we are one. So instead of fighting the one you're with, this is a covenant you made before the Lord instead of like doing like this, so it seems like two separate people come together as one and see each other as, okay, you have this that I don't have, I really need to lean on you for that. And you have this that I don't have, I need to lean on you for that. So just instead of fighting each other, it's like, we're together, we're doing like the, what is like the three, like the three man race or the three leg race. You should be together talking about your feelings,

talking about what you're walking through, because you're together, your partner is your one, and that's how God sees us. - Yeah, it's a big deal. And you gotta let your wife talk. I mean, a lot of infideling stuff happens for women because some other guy just starts listening. Like, you gotta let him talk. I mean, sometimes my wife's talking, and it's like, I don't know, like, what, what? You know? It's like, I'm like, what's for dinner? Well, I went into the store, I was gonna go to cub, but then I saw that Ivy had this discount, so then I went over to Ivy, and then I went in there, and then I went to go get some chicken, but then I saw a salmon was on sale. (audience laughs) And then I ran into Sally, and she's pregnant again, but she didn't believe that, she was pregnant again. And then I went to buy this can of beans, and it had a dinner, and I hate to buy anything with a dinner in it, and then, (audience laughs) we're having chicken. (audience laughs) But she's talking to me. Come on, she's talking to me. And that's what, I, what was it for you to talk to me? He just said, you just kinda know how to, like,

smile, nod, make noises in certain places. Like, what? Hmm. No, they didn't. (audience laughs) Can you believe that? Hmm. You know, I was like, stay engaged. What? I can't believe that. No, she didn't. (audience laughs) Number two, Lord, help us protect intimacy as holy, intentional, and close. Lift your hands, let's all pray it. Lord, help us protect intimacy as-- - Holy, intentional, close. - And close, holy, intentional. Close. - Genesis 2.24, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh." - And don't deprive each other, first Corinthians 7.5. - Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. - Yeah, you gotta protect intimacy. Even with kids, 'cause kids stands for keeping intimacy at a distance successfully. That's what kids stand for.

(audience laughs) So you gotta protect and say this is a marriage first home, - That's right. - Not a kid first home. - Which is very hard for moms. (audience applauds) - Yeah, 'cause there's mom, Gil, and all this kind of stuff that goes on with that and I get it. - Yes. - But you gotta protect intimacy and not allow, don't use intimacy as a tool to fight or withhold love. You can't get into manipulation. Look at me. Do not let manipulation get in your home, slamming doors, silent treatment, withholding intimacy. And that's all demonic. Listen to me, it's demonic. Because, okay, she's not doing what I want her to do. So I'm gonna ignore her, slam doors with hold love to get her to change her behavior. This is called manipulation. And the Bible says manipulation is as the spirit of witchcraft. So you might as well be like sticking pens in a doll. You're operating like that. It's pure demonic, okay, and your children are watching. That's where some of you learn different.

We have to break these generational curses, that ran in my family until it ran into me. And don't let everybody counsel you about your spouse. Do not let everybody counsel you about your spouse. 'Cause they'll get you a divorce, they'll get you to walk that child, if it was me, I wouldn't take it, that's why it ain't you. Don't let everybody counsel you about your spouse. Let the word of God counsel you about your spouse. Let the Holy Spirit counsel you about yourself, your spouse. Come on church, can I get an amen? Like let the word of God counsel you. And when you face challenges, don't just pick up the phone, start calling people. Go to the word of God. When you face challenges in your marriage, who do you listen to? Who do you listen to? I know people pick up the phone, start calling their girlfriends, start calling God, start tearing down their spouse in front of people. - And in front of their kids. - And in front of their kids, they're talking bad about your spouse. Do not talk bad about your spouse to your children. You're just like your father. How am I, how are you gonna tell me not to be what I already? not to be what I already am? That's my dad.

That's right. What am I, how can I change that? So we have to redeem these things. We have to be stewards over our mouth. Praise the Lord. You know, intimacy is not a side benefit of marriage. I think a lot of people think it's like a choice for intimacy in a marriage. It's a sacred space where you two become one. It's a covenant that's made before God and it's needed in a marriage. So good. And enjoy it. Have lots of it. I can't get any minutes. You're so merry couples. Merry couples. Say it for the people in the back. Merry couples. You church people are so funny. Anytime you talk about sex or money, they get weird. It's like talking to my kids about it. They get weird. Those are two dirty things that God lets us do. He's like, "Hey, I'm going to get over with it and go back to my school." God is the author of intimacy. Come on, church. Can I get any men about that? Like, Christians should have wonderful intimacy, married husbands and wives should have wonderful intimacy. It's beautiful. And if we don't talk about in the church, then we leave it up to the world.

Yeah. We've got to talk about in the church. And we're teaching our kids that, so then they learn about intimacy and how to do it properly from social media or their friends at school or whoever is in their lives instead of learning it the proper way. Men, what does this say? Men peak sexually in their 20s, women in their 40s. You put that in there. I did not. You put that in there. That was you. You're in your 40s. That was you. This is my decade, guys. It's my right that down. It's a good note. That is not going to be part of the note-taking. And you learn, you mature as a marriage with timing. I think maturity teaches you how to learn timing and learn seasons the season you're in. I think bitterness destroys intimacy faster than bad behavior. You got to get rid of bitterness. Bitterness is like cancer. And when it happens, you got to deal with it instantly. And don't give up on your spouse. You know? Don't give up. Let's do this last point. Keep our hearts free from bitterness or our love stays alive. Come on. Lift your hands again.

Everybody say it. Lord, keep our hearts free from bitterness. So our love stays alive. Forgiveness is like oxygen. It's the oxygen of covenant. It's the oxygen, okay? And you've got to allow the Lord to heal. You know, time's not going to heal Jesus' heals. That's right. And just keep, you know, one preacher says, just keep knocking. What's the Bible say? Knock in the door shall be opened on you. And when you're not, nobody knocks like, this is not a knock. Nobody knocks once. Keep knocking. Just keep knocking. Nobody knocks on the door one time. So some of you are healed because you kept knocking. Some of you are delivered because you kept knocking. Some of you got healed your marriage because you kept knocking. And I just want to encourage you, the Bible says knock in the door shall be opened unto you and just refuse to give up, refuse to quit, okay? And so even when you say things wrong, like I'm going to say things wrong. I mean, I have, I will again, but, you know, it's kind of like we've been working on something in our marriage that if you understand what I'm trying to say, or if I understand what she's trying to say, even if I don't say it right, or I didn't say it the way you would have said it, but you know what I'm trying to say. When you hook my little wagon to your engine and pull me up the rest of the hill without us getting into a debate of how it was said if you know what I'm trying to get to. And we've been working on that because so many times we get, we get in a dispute over

it wasn't said the exact way, or the tone, and tone doesn't matter. I'm not throwing that away. Doesn't matter but if you know what I'm trying to get to and people So like everything I said today, I know you probably would have said it better. And I probably didn't say it the way you wanted me to say it or the way it should have been said, but I think you know my heart. Come on, can I get any men about that? And if you know my heart on it, can you hook me to your engine and pull me up the rest of the way so we can get where we trying to go? Come on, can I get any men about it? And that's really the heart. Like work on that in your marriage and you have to develop strategies and systems like... And just how you talk, even when you're not right, 'cause you're gonna say things that aren't right. Like even I think of John and Paige, like we were out once with them, they're amazing. And John said something that wasn't right, okay? He made a mistake, says it. It was something silly, like I'll use an exam, like say, "Oh, we were at dinner on Thursday." And what most women do ago, it wasn't Thursday, it was Wednesday, okay? But Paige did something that was really unique. When he was like, "Oh, we had dinner on Thursday." She said, "Was it Thursday?"

I thought it was Tuesday. Maybe I'm wrong, was it Thursday? He's like, "Oh yeah, it was Tuesday." And I was like, "Did you guys just see that? "Did you see what just happened?" Like, I caught it. And I was like, 'Cause how long y'all been married now? 41 years, write that down. (audience applauds) Was it? Was it that? Was it that? 'Cause you get corrected, you know, 'cause I struggle from correctile dysfunction, right? Anybody else? (audience laughs) I get corrected all the time. Hey, you said something wrong today and I did not. You didn't, praise God. Well, God's healing me of it. (audience laughs) But even when you talk and you communicate, and you gotta be able to have those conversations and say, "Hey, let's talk about this." And pray together. I'm shocked at the families that do not pray together. You'd be shocked how much in your marriage could just be healed if you'd just pray for each other. That's right.

I know this from a kid, 'cause when I'd get in a fight with my sisters, my parents would make us pray together. And then we'd have to hug each other, right? So when you get in a sight, we're gonna pray. Just prayer heals. Prayer humbles. I can't get any men. (audience laughs) I'm telling you, some of y'all, you will go, I'm not against counseling, but you will go to counseling. You will go to all these places, but you won't pray. Like, you gotta pray. Come on church. You gotta bring prayer in your home. Pray with your spouse. I know this sounds simple, but most things are. What we tend to do is when we don't wanna actually do what we're supposed to do, we make it complicated. (audience laughs) People do this all the time with things. When they don't wanna do what they gotta do, the world convinces you, well, you got a unique situation. And your situation is so unique that prayer don't work. What you need is 372 books. What you need is 7,222 hours of counseling. What you need is, no, no, no, no, no, you need to pray. And I'm not minimizing things, and I know I'm speaking very general.

And I'm not minimizing the specificities that go on in our homes, but I'm telling you, God's word is true, if we will pray, if my people, who are called by my name. (audience murmurs) Would humble themselves. (audience murmurs) And pray, seek my face, turn from their wicked ways, turn from manipulation, turn from slamming doors, turn from silent treatment and intimacy withdrawal, turn away from all of that, hear from heaven. I would forgive their sins, and I would heal their homes. - Yes, thank you, Jesus. - Pray some more. Come on, give God a praise, church, amen. Stand with me.