Overcoming Anxiety | Helping Kids Handle Emotions (Ep. 4)

We've seen news reports, the numbers are up, it feels like everyone's mental health is falling apart. The thought that your kid could be dealing with anxiety or even depression is worrisome. I'll be honest, these things are serious, but I'm here to help you get a better understanding of what your kids are going through and equip you with a way to communicate with them. I'm Brian, and I'm one of the care directors here at Crossroads. I'm a father to my 16-year-old daughter and my 14-year-old son. I'm also a licensed counselor. As a father, I worry about my kids just like you, and I often struggle to discern if emotional challenges they're going through represent normal life stage challenges that produce some anxiety and sadness, or like you, I worry if they have some anxiety or depression that needs more care and attention. This topic can feel overwhelming, and there's a lot of things floating out there about anxiety and depression. What we're going to do right now is get a basic understanding of what each of these things are. The goal here is not for us to diagnose our kids, but be able to look for clues to see if there's something going on in their lives that may need to be addressed and to get some tools to help them out. Anxiety is a feeling of unease, such as worry or fear. It's an understandable reaction in children when things change because of a stressful event, or even the anticipation of a stressful event. But for some kids, anxiety affects their behavior and thoughts on a daily basis, interfering with their school, home, and social life. Overall, about 7% of adolescents who have symptoms are diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. But let's talk about how anxiety shows up for most of us. We all experience different forms of anxiety at different times in our lives. For example, speaking in front of a group can make us anxious, but that anxiety also motivates us to prepare and practice. Driving in heavy traffic is another common source of anxiety, but it helps keep us alert and cautious to avoid accidents. However, when feelings of intense fear and distress become overwhelming and prevent us from doing everyday activities, we can simply just shut down. Depression is the most common symptom that people report when they seek out professional help. This typically includes negative thoughts and hopelessness. Depression also affects their sleep, energy levels, appetite, and weight. We can experience depressive symptoms when it seems like things are out of control. Things like getting fired, a loved one dying, or a chronic illness. There are so many things that can cause situational depression. Depression and anxiety are heavy topics, and as parents, we can all identify times in our lives when we have experienced

intense anxiety and times when we have been in the depths of depression. But you know, recognizing the causes doesn't necessarily make things any easier. Things get really intense when we recognize symptoms of anxiety and depression in ourselves. It's even more concerning when we recognize these symptoms in our kids. Anxiety and depression go hand in hand with one another. Anxiety can end up causing depression, and then it cycles right back around, and depressive symptoms can cause anxious feelings. So what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Let's tease this out a little bit. What if questions seem to plague adults and children with anxiety? Questions like, oh no, what if I don't get that promotion or new job that I was counting on? How will that affect my spouse? How will that affect my life? How will that affect our plans? What will we do? How will we ever get out of debt? What if we never get out of debt? For kids, it often feels worse because they have less life experience to draw on. Oh no, what if I don't make the team? Oh no, what if I fail that test? Or oh no, what if I don't pass my driver's exam? When a child's answer to those questions is bigger than the problem, that's a good indicator that they're experiencing an anxiety reaction. Their answer being bigger than the problem could be things like, if I don't pass my driver's exam, I'll never be able to drive. Therefore, I will never go to college, and I'll never get a good job because I'll have no way to get there. I'll be living in my parents' house, or even worse, their basement for the rest of my life. My life is over. That might sound dramatic to us as adults who have more life experience, but the reality is that's really what they're thinking. They aren't overreacting. They're having anxious thoughts. So much of life is just outside of our control. Sure, we can do what we can to influence a positive outcome, but there are no guarantees. We have to operate in faith that our decisions and planning have set us up for success. Still, much remains undone, and for that, we have to have faith. We can encourage our children to control the controllables. Then after that, we can remind them that God has their back. In the 26th chapter of Matthew, Jesus speaking here encourages us not to be anxious. Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you'll eat or what you'll drink, or about your body, what you'll put on. Isn't life more than food and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air, they neither sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important and more valuable than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of

the field, how they grow, they neither toil nor spin. Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, What shall we eat, or what shall we drink, or what shall we wear? For the Gentiles seek after these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Here God is encouraging us to lean into him when things feel out of control. He's encouraging us to center our thinking and emotions on him. He's encouraging us to be mindful. Mindfulness is simply the practice of paying attention in the here and the now. When our kids experience anxiety, it's important to encourage them to focus on the here and the now. Slow things down. Pay attention. Be observant. Focus on the now and today. This helps us build capacity for tomorrow and dealing with the uncertainty that we know that tomorrow will bring. Depression is a constant feeling of sadness and loss of interest, which stops you doing your normal activities. Different types of depression exist with symptoms ranging from relatively minor to very severe. Generally, depression does not result from a single event, but from a mix of events and genetic factors. It's also important to be aware that grief symptoms can also resemble depressive symptoms. As you discover some of the behavioral or emotional changes you're seeing in your kids, maybe you ask yourself, what is my son or daughter grieving? What have they lost? A few examples to think through are, have they had any big changes in their friend group recently? What changes have they experienced at school or on their sports team? What changes have you collectively experienced as a family? Sometimes as children move from one life stage to the next, they grieve the loss of how things used to be. Even small changes in families can have a big impact on children and teens. The important thing here is to be aware. Stay present and available to talk with them, and most importantly, give yourself some grace. Parenting is very hard. A really important skill you can work on with

your child or adolescent is to help them develop language to describe how they feel. In my house, you'll find feeling words charts on the bathrooms, beside the mirror, and in the fridge. I know sometimes it can feel like pulling teeth getting a teenager to talk, much less to talk about their emotions, but it is an important skill and will give them language when things get tough. As teens navigate depression and anxiety, they feel big feelings. Remember, if you can name it, you can tame it. Teaching and encouraging your kids to talk about how they feel will help them better regulate their behaviors. Making a habit of checking in with your kids creates a feeling of safety for them. They may not always respond how you want them to with warm and fuzzy feelings, but it will set the tone of openness. I recommend a three-part check-in. Ask your son or daughter to talk about how they're doing emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I found that having them rank their feelings on a scale from 1 to 10 has been helpful to get the conversation going. Remember, how well we care for others depends on how well we care for ourselves. This holds true especially in families. When I'm tired, frustrated, and feeling isolated, I have a really difficult time being the dad I want to be for my kids. All mental health experts agree that one of the primary ways to navigate symptoms of depression and anxiety is to have healthy structures and routines in our lives. We should be putting healthy structures in place for our kids, but if we're not leading by example with these healthy habits, they're less likely to stick when things get difficult. And yes, I'm talking about the fundamentals. Practice cell phone discipline. Some experts directly attribute increased anxiety and depression to unrestrained cell phone use with kids and teens. We have to model unplugging from screens, especially at night. It's really important to engage in exhaustive physical exercise. When we're physically tired, we're less likely to ruminate on things. Sleep. Getting eight hours of sleep at night is one of the most important things we can possibly do for mental health. Lastly, eating healthy meals, mostly plants, creates the opportunity for you to return to a place of mental peace. Overall, what we take in and how we care for ourselves makes the

difference. This is a team effort. Modeling these behaviors for our kids represents preventative care for them. I'd like to leave you with one more action step. Pray. Pray for yourself. Ask God to give you direction and caring for your family. Pray for, and when you pray, use these words from the Apostle Paul to guide you. This is from the book of Philippians 4. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think on such things. Everything we talked about today are tools to help you and your child identify and respond to feelings of anxiety and depression.