Making a Good Connection

Dr. Charles Stanley, next on In Touch, Making a Good Connection. What are the most important words you ever heard from your father? Did you ever hear your father say, I love you? What was your feeling the first time you ever heard your dad say, I love you? What was your feeling the first time you ever heard your dad say, I love you? How old were you when you heard it? How old was your father when he said it? Or maybe you're one of those persons and you look back in your life and you realize your father passed away so early in your life that you don't ever remember anything about your father. Or it may be that you had some years on you and your father passed away and you never heard your entire life your father ever say, I love you. How did you feel when you heard that your father had died and you realized you would never, never hear him say, I love you? Do you think that the absence of your father's love has had any effect on your relationships in life, your relationship to your husband, your wife, your children, or your friends? Or do you think somehow that all that you just sort of grew out of that and so that's not a problem? Well, my friend, you don't grow out of a relationship that's so disconnected and so empty and so fragile and so fragmented as growing up without a father's love. And what I want to talk about in this message is simply this, making a good connection.

And I want you to turn, if you will, in the Old Testament to 2 Samuel chapter 14, 2 Samuel chapter 14. And I want to tell you what's happening before we read this passage, 2 Samuel chapter 14. David's daughter Tamar is seduced by her brother Amnon. She rejected him and rejected him until finally he raped her. And so, when David heard about it, the only thing the Bible says is that he was angry. That would tell us something of how disconnected he was to his children. Her brother Absalom said, don't say a word. Two years later, he kills Amnon. And then he flees because of his fear of his father. And this Scripture begins in this twenty-eighth verse of this fourteenth chapter with that in mind. Now, Absalom lived two full years in Jerusalem and did not see the king's face, that is, King David. Then Absalom sent for Joab to send him to the king, but he would not come to him. So he sent again a second time, but he would not come. Therefore, he said to his servants, in order to get his attention, see Joab's field is next to mine and he has barley there, go and set it on fire. So Absalom's servants set the field on fire. Then Joab arose and came to Absalom at his house and said to him, why have your servants set my field on fire? Absalom answered, Joab, behold, I sent for you saying, come here that I may send you to the king to say, why have I come from Geshur? It would be better for me to still be there.

Now therefore, let me see the king's face, and if there is iniquity in me, let him put me to death. So when Joab came to the king and told him, he called for Absalom. Thus he came to the king and prostrated himself on his face to the ground before the king, and the king kissed Absalom. Now, what I want you to see is this, because Absalom had killed his own brother and he fled, his father would not see him for two years after he brought him back to Jerusalem. There was something in Absalom that so desired to see his father, such a deep yearning desire to see his father, he said, Joab, take me to him, even if it means that he will kill me on the spot, I want to see him. If you examine David's life, his whole family was totally disconnected. And so, in the light of that, as a background, I want us to think in terms of this whole issue of making a good connection between the father and his children. It's very evident, not only in life, but as those who have studied all kinds of relationships between children, parents, and father, and so forth, and God, very evident that there is a fundamental need in the life of every child which God has placed there. child to have a strong emotional relationship. So, when we talk about being connected, we're talking about a strong emotional connection with our fathers. When a child has a strong emotional connection with our father, it is easier for them to trust God, easier for them to believe in God, easier for them to respect God. When a child does not have that relationship, there's a sense of

distance, there's a sense of confusion about who God is and what He's like, and it's extremely difficult for a child to genuinely love God when they have no real, true, strong relationship with their father. Very important that every child have a strong emotional relationship with their father. Now, it's interesting when you begin to see the results of these things in a person's life and a child's life, when you look at a father because a child's reaction, a child's reaction to their father is going to reveal their attitude toward God because that's their image of God. What kind of an opportunity does a child have to grow up in that kind of family when they can't express their hurts and pains, when they're expected to do more than they know to do, and besides that, they live in fear that they're going to do something wrong and be scolded by their father. That he's passive, that he's not involved in their life. He doesn't seem to really care about what's going on in their life. What kind of a chance does a kid have? So, I want to say this to you, before you and I begin to criticize and pass judgment on children or teenagers for the kind of lifestyle they're living, though it may be absolutely wrong, I'm not defending that, they get off in drugs, they get in alcohol, they dress seductively, they get into sex, they get into all of these things. And we are quick, very quick to judge them and say, these rebellious teenagers, maybe you need to stop and ask yourself the question, what is the root cause? Have they been so disconnected from their father?

Have they been so, listen, so empty, no relationship, no feeling, nothing to connect them? Are they not acting out what normal, natural child would act when the father who is the key figure in that child's life, when he is acting in a way that sends these messages, that makes that child feel worthless? And besides that, when you start talking to that child about God, who's interested in a God who doesn't care, who is not compassionate, who scolds, who shames, who berates, who destroys your sense of self-image and self-worth? Don't give me a God like that. Is there any wonder that we're growing up a whole generation of children who are not interested in church because that represents God's house? Not interested in the Bible because that represents God's book. Not interested in preachers because they talk about God. Not interested in the Christian faith because after all, that is the faith of God. And so, we're quick to criticize. We want to judge them. Am I condoning their sin? No, indeed. But we have to stop and ask the question, what's the root cause? Now, let me say this about moms. This message is not just to fathers because let me just say this. You moms, some of you live in a household where your husband's character fits everything I just said. And so, your attitude may be, well, it's hopeless. It's helpless.

I mean, just forget it. Just give up. No, you can't give up. You can't afford to give up because what you are before your children and what you do as a godly mother is, listen, is super, super important. If you have a husband who doesn't even know why he's acting the way he's acting, I'm not being critical of him. I'm going to show you in a few moments why I'm not being critical. And so, you may want to judge him. You may want to tell your children, you know what? We've got to get out of here. This is terrible. You need to ask yourself the question, what's motivating him? What happened to this man in his early years that's made him this way? Was he so disconnected with his father that now he is thrusting upon his own children these attitudes and these habits and this behavior that is the result of his disconnection with his father? He didn't have that kind of foundation. He didn't have that kind of relationship. So, what is he doing? He's passing on the only thing he knows. That's all he knows. That's what he's been taught. That's his image of God that he has. He brings it into his family, passes it on to his son. That's why it is so very, very important that what we do in the lives of our children, listen, it isn't only going to be in their life. It's going to be in the life of their children and their children, generation after generation unless it's stopped.

And it can be stopped when God intervenes and begins to reveal to a person what's going on in their life. So, I want to talk about, for a few moments, a process. Now, I want you to remember this word. If you heard me say this word, process, say amen. Because what we're talking about is something that you don't get over today, tomorrow, or going to a counselor, and two weeks later, you're healed. Wounds that are emotional wounds, deep wounds, hurtful, painful wounds, that people carry that pain with them for years and years and some all of their life. Some people will live with this pain and they'll die with it. And some people will live with the frustration, the anxiety, and anger down inside that they haven't directed. And so, what happens is they say, well, you know, yes, I had a good father, I know he was a good father, because they don't want the guilt of saying, my father was a tyrant. Oftentimes they do, but sometimes they don't. So, what does a father do? So, I want to say, I want to make some suggestions about the process of being reconnected with your children, to get connected once again. So, let's think about this. What's the first step in taking initiative? Express verbally your love to your son or your daughter. Now, what do I mean by that? You just tell them, I just want you to know, son, I just love you, old dad loves you. A lot of difference when a child feels loved, but you've got to start, dad, by saying, I love you.

Now, the first time you get courage to say it, you may say, I just want you to know. And you know what? It may not come out. You know why? Because you have jammed it and stuffed it for so long, you don't even know how to say it. Understand that, and God understands that. That's okay. You know what? You'll make it. Your goal is to express love. When you'd say, I love you, and you put some emotion behind that, do you realize that you could change the whole destiny of your child? I love you. Let me ask you a question. How many of you do not want to be loved? Right. Everybody wants to be loved. Who needs to be loved? Everybody. And that little child especially. And growing up, whether he or she are three, whether they're three or sixteen or twenty-three or forty-three, fifty-three, sixty-three, seventy, eighty-three, I've never met anybody who said, I don't want to be loved. No. You know why? Because God created us to be loved.

And then what we have to do, one of the steps we would take is to discover how do you love that child? Now, when the Bible says train up a child in the way he should go, you don't train every single child the same way. Every child doesn't have the same personality. And parents say, You know what? I don't understand this. To save me, I have four children, three of them are saints, one of them's a rebel. I do not understand it. You know what? Don't waste your time trying to figure out, because it does not mean that you have failed as a parent. Different personalities react different ways. So, what you're going to have to ask is, ask yourself the question, How do I express love to my son or my daughter? Now, here's what we do. We think sometimes, well now, here's what I know will express love, and what we do is we interpret what's love to us. What may be an expression of love that gets to me may not be an expression of love that gets to my son or daughter. So, how do you express love? I'm going to give you five words. This is not original with me, but it is absolutely the truth. How do you express love? Words. I love you. Whether it's painful to say it or not, I love you. That's the first, I love you. Secondly, is gifts.

You say, Well, now, what do you mean by gifts? I mean, well, there's certainly nothing wrong with giving a child something. You express love by giving. Thirdly, is quality time. And these are not necessarily in this order, but quality time. Sometimes all a kid wants is, they just want your undivided attention, because your undivided attention says, I am important to my dad. And I can remember my kids, they'd walk in sometime late, and I'd be studying or something, and sometime, eleven-thirty at night, I don't care what I was doing, I dropped it. I wanted to hear what was on their mind and heart. And I learned the hard way to do it. And that is, one day, one of them was talking to me, and they said, Dad, you're not listening, are you? I said, Nope, I'm not. You're absolutely correct. Taught me a lesson. You think it's hard to listen to your kids? Doesn't know when we're connecting and we're not connecting. We don't have to say I'm not listening All we have to do is be disinterested disconnected But think about this words quality time giving Serving them and you know what interests me and blessed me this one this grid big guy walked up to me after the service He said, you know He said I like I used to be like you're talking about he said then I decided I was gonna serve my children I mean, he's a big fella. He said he said I just thought I was gonna be a servant

And I thought I was so proud of him. I want to hug him good I'm gonna be a servant Not some macho big muscular fella. I'm gonna be a servant and then of course touching There's something about hugging your son hugging your daughter in a godly fashion kissing her on the cheek Says I love you. There's something about touching we're talking about connecting You have to decide Which one of those words fits your children if you want to start? Reconnecting if you want to start building this building this tremendous bridge between you and your children and then there's another thing That is you've got to be transparent. You've got to be willing to say, you know what? I Really blown it You got to be open and transparent They've got to see listen a child watch this a child needs to feel your wound You may be wounded because of what you've done to them. You know what a child Will will relate to your woundedness because you feel what you did to them that has an awesome effect in helping build that bridge back and if you come in, I know I made some mistakes and I want to ask you to forgive me and I want you to know I love you and See you son. You know what? That's total disconnection That has nothing to do with emotion whatsoever There must be emotional connection and that emotional connection is not going to take place until there's transparency Now watch this next one because this is the one I said in the very beginning. I said, this is a what? I Said this whole ideas of what process? Next point be prepared to get rejected Be prepared to get rejected Because oftentimes they're going to say well, I wonder what he wants What is he up to? Oh

I've heard this before or I don't believe this. I mean you can't change overnight and So get prepared to be rejected or it may be they can believe you but they're so wounded they can't feel it They like to feel your love, but they can't feel it. They feel so wounded. They can't feel it So be prepared to be rejected Next naturally you're gonna pray and ask God to help you God show me how to relate to my children show me how to build this bridge show me how to Reconnect to my daughter show me how to reconnect to my son and Then the last thing I would simply say is this Watch this believe that you're going to succeed Because this is exactly what God has been doing to you and me all of our life Connecting to us Working in our lives in such a way to show us how much he loves us That we're forgiven that he understands us That he's not going to berate us. He's not going to punish us discipline. Yes, but not punish us He's not going to explode in anger of us. He's not going to cast us out. He's not going to throw us away He's not going to absolutely put us on the shelf He loves us. He understands us and he's always building that bridge in our behalf You know what you and I can ask God to enable us to reconnect Build the bridge in this wonderful relationship that we can have with our sons and our daughters God is on your side to help you do it Well, how does that all begin? It all begins with getting connected to God yourself by asking the Lord Jesus Christ to forgive you of your sins and to tell him you've blown it and To realize that you've been so disconnected. The Bible says there's a great gulf that that exists between you and God Listen listen carefully. God is willing to close the gap and Make it possible for the two of you to become one forgiven of your sins Christ living inside of you enabling you helping you to become the man God wants you to be It's a choice you make a decision you make what we call to be saved to be forgiven of your sins And I want to encourage if you've never done that to simply pray this simple prayer

father I desperately need to be forgiven of my sins. I've messed it up, God. I do believe that Jesus went to the cross and died for my sins. And I'm asking you to forgive me on the basis of his death that I might become a child of God and become the kind of godly father or godly mother or godly person that you want me to be. My friend, he'll answer that prayer every single time. And one other thing, this is the kind of message you have to think of. It's a process. But the key is, don't give up, Dad, no matter what.