“I’m Better Than the Worst Thing I’ve Ever Done.” | God Behind Bars Podcast

would be my last. I was lying to my kids. My wife and my family. I was lying to myself. for the things that I have done. I can't ever make up for that. I couldn't hold it back and I'm tired. I need to help. I never met this man before. I never even heard of him. He kind of prayed with me and he said, man, I'm coming to get you. So I went back to the unit that night and I attempted suicide. Hey, welcome back to another episode of The God Behind Bars podcast. We're here in Louisiana state, Penitentiary, better known as Angola. And I have another amazing guest with us, Kevin Gildhouse, who I know him as Big Country. We'll get into some of that story and how he's gotten that name here at Angola. But Kevin, man, it's great to have you, brother. Hey, I just want to jump into parts of your story, maybe that people don't know about you. Obviously, we'll jump into some of the stuff that I've had the opportunity of witnessing and then our father, son, day, the daddy, daughter, dances, and where I've gotten to meet your girls at some of our stuff that we've done in the free world. Some people may know you by the angle of rodeo and I know that you've had your accomplishments there. But what would we know about you and your childhood and your upbringing and ultimately how it brought you to this place? So I was brought up kind of rough, I guess like most or a lot, right? I grew up in foster care. Most of my younger, my childhood, I was put into foster care at the age of four, four and a half. My family was strong out on drugs and alcohol. My dad was into rodeo and truck driving and he was also an alcoholic and a speed fanatic. My mother was strong out pretty bad, so naturally that led me into a lot of abusive situations, step dads and bad environments. It led me to foster care when I was four and a half, five years old. The first two years of me being in foster care, I bounced about 72 homes, between boys homes. You said 72 homes? Between boys homes, detention centers, boys, ranchers, children's mental hospitals. It was just one thing after another. I was finally adopted when I was, I want to say about nine or ten to the Guildhouse family. I wasn't all that great either. They changed my name. It was kind of an up and down situation with them. A couple of weeks would be good and a couple of weeks would be bad. I'd be loving one moment of use of the next moment and then a little bit of both. It kind of led me into a kind of a downward spiral. I backed away from everybody and reached out to the world. I wanted that acceptance. I wanted that family

that every little boy wants it. Everybody wants it. I reached out into the world for it and I got bit. It led me into alcohol, the streets, drugs, using and selling. I became a very bad person in a lot of ways. In every way. In every way. I was a little boy trying to be a man. I didn't know how to be. I was very easily led because of that. My insecurities and my ignorant way of thinking. I thought I knew best and I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. And the world punched on me. Which we've all been in that place I think. You know, we'll jump into the Father Sunday in a minute but at the end of the Father Sunday we had an opportunity of just like going around the room and talking about what the day had meant to us, what God had shown us in that day and you mentioned that sitting out on that boat with your son who, to my knowledge, if I didn't get this wrong was the first time that you've ever had the opportunity to physically just hang out with your son. So other than when he was a baby? Yeah. Yeah, but this was our first time, actually one-on-one, ever spending time together. And you said that you were sitting on that boat and you were looking out at the J unit which was the unit that you first came into Louisiana State Penitentiary. Yes sir. And that was, in my opinion as I listened to you talk, it was you looking at the old self. Yes sir. And then getting to look at your son on the other side of that. Yes sir. And the lake that you guys were fishing on and you looking at your country. was going on in your heart what was going on in your mind maybe even if you're okay with it like elaborate on some of what the life was like in that J unit that you were looking back at and just seeing how far got it brought you so when I got here I was pretty young and they stuck me straight into the cam J unit because because of my record in prison right I was kind of a knucklehead I was kind of violent doing a lot of dumb stuff for some even dumber people and it led me to cam J when I got here cam J was a disciplinary units where they sent the worst of the worst back in the day before they shut it down and it was a pretty dark place a lot of things went on at cam J a lot of violence a lot of a lot of evil stuff and if you were in cam J you were involved in all of it yeah and had no choice to be a lot of drugs a lot of violence a lot of everything that you're gonna imagine that goes on the prison and that's what they put me they put me in what's called a boot sale and a boot sale was a sale inside of a

sale and I spent the good bit of my my first couple years in cam J and I went through hell right I put myself through hell right and I was I was down on myself because of what I had I had done to get into prisons and and the person that I thought I had become right and I was kind of stuck in that self-pity mode and I was wallering in it so I just kept lashing out and kept lashing out and kept lashing out in every way that I could and it just kept giving me and in worst situations and in worst situations and I remember being on kuda unit at cam J and I want to say it was kuda unit and I remember looking out the little window that we had in front of the sale and I can see part of the lake I can see part of that lake man and I and I would always think about man what I could be doing if I was home right if my life would have took a different path and of course all those thoughts of your kids come up you know what I could be doing with my kids here I could be fishing with my son I could be swimming with my daughters or just just hanging out on the beach with my lady you know and father son event it was my first time actually being on that lake and I never knew it was that beautiful right I never knew it was it looked like that so being out there on the lake and and being on an actual boat inside of Angola State Peninsula with my son for the first time ever and looking to my left and seeing him with a fish and pole in his hand and then looking to my right and seeing cam J and all the stuff that I had been through in cam J and seeing how far got it brought me in these last few years it's hard to see your own growth sometimes right and it's it's not bragging or boasting or anything like that right just in that moment I went back to how horrible that I was and all the people that I had hurt yeah and and not just my family other families and in that moment I saw I saw what God has been doing in my life in my family's life and I have hope I have hope now right but in that moment it just grew so much more right because I know what I want from my life I know what I want in my family's life I know the things that I want to do in life and I know what I never want to be again but I will always refuse to ever become again and in that moment I just saw how how far God it brought me and it was it was a big moment for me yeah

which I and I don't know that everybody gets that moment which is pretty big honor as well to be able to like in real life look over your left shoulder and see your past and then look over your right shoulder and see your future and then God play that real over and over and over again in your mind like because often I think like those there's lyrics in one of my favorite worship songs that says even in the waiting he is still working yeah and trusting that is sometimes often difficult especially like when you describe the environment that you describe camp J like where it's probably the world's evil on display and you're you're still trying to trust God like even in this waiting you're still working how could you possibly be working but then when you sit there on that boat on that day and you look past and God plays that real for your life like you can see all the little moments sure yeah you can focus on the bad right that maybe was done but you could see all the little moments of where Yeah, I had a plan that he was paving your path. What was that pivotal moment for you? Like where did God say, you know, like, enough is enough and grab ahold of your heart? Ooh. So my moment was in 2024, the beginning of '24. I was a camp dean, which is also a disciplinary unit, but it's a general population disciplinary camp. And I was working maintenance, and I was pretty broken at this time. I was strong. I don't care when I met them fed to me. And about any other thing that could help me escape my reality. And I remember just being so low and so tired that every day I woke up, I woke up mad because I woke up. Every bag of dope that I would do, I would do it for-- it was like a two-for-one.

You know, maybe I would get high and escape my reality, and maybe this bag would be my last. I had become pretty suicidal. I was lying to my kids. I was lying to my wife, my family. I was lying to myself. I had built up this image for the world to see like I was somebody like I still had it all together, and man, I didn't have anything to get. I was broke. I was broke. And I was broken. And about every way that a man could be broken. And I woke up one morning. I'm supposed to be at work. And I hadn't been to work for about four or five days and working maintenance here in Angola. That's a pretty big feat, right? So my boss had come looking for me. And I kept ducking him and a warden in a colonel who played a really big part in my change and getting me a shot. Came looking for me, and the power had just went out, so we had moved the microwaves into the TV area where they have emergency power. And we plugged up, and I'm heating up my coffee. And I'm thinking I'm good because I just ducked my boss and the warden and the colonel walked through the door. And he said, oh, there he is. And I'm thinking, man, there's no way I'm going to be able to make

work, man, there's no way I'm banged up. And the only thing I could think of is just getting high again. And it's all that mattered to me in that moment. Dad was just dying. So they said, man, what's going on? And I don't know why I know what it was now. I know it was God, but something just froze me in that moment. And I couldn't hold it back, and I just broke down. I said, man, I'm tired. I'm down. I need to help. They're not used to seeing me like that, right? And I said, country man, what's going on with you, man? I said, man, I need help. I can't do this anymore. And so they brought me down to the office. And I said, what's going on? I said, man, these drugs have got to hold on me in a way that I can't shake them. I've never had nothing to grab me like this. Yeah. And I said, man, I need help. He said, well, come back after the lunchtime count. I said, all right. So I actually went back to the dorm and got high again, because I mean in those moments. In my mind, in my convict way of thinking, man, you're not going to help me. I'm just a DLC number. But he called me back after lunch. And when I went in there, there was a man named Flash.

And he was the president of Newman at that time, Flash Gordon. And I sat down, when I sat down with me, he looked at me. Which for those that don't know what Newman is, it's a recovery program, a Christ-centered recovery program, right? Yes, sir. And he sat down in front of me, and he looked at me. He said, man, you're going through it, huh? I said, yeah, man. I said, you have no idea. And he said, yeah, I do, huh, no. He said, because I was right where you were at. I said, man, I need help. And I broke down crying. And he kind of broke down and grabbed my hands and prayed with me. And he said, man, I'm coming to get you. I said, I'm like, I never met this man before. I never even heard of him. So I went back to the unit that night. And I attempted suicide. I attempted suicide with a pretty massive amount of heroin or fitting off at the time. And it was a really strong kind that was going around the prison at that time. And it was hurting a lot of people. And I did enough to probably knock out an elephant. And I didn't even get high. I snorted all these drugs, and I put my headphones on. I threw my covers over my head.

I didn't get high, I didn't even get a buzz. And in that moment, I didn't understand, I got mad. In that moment, right? Two days later, they come and got me for the program, a new men program. When I got to the program, I remember reflecting back on all those moments. And as you come in the one of the phases and the phase one, there's my favorite scripture on the wall, which is Proverbs 27 and 17. And it's iron sharpens iron, there's one french sharpener in the oven. And it kind of made me think back on how I used to lead people or let people lead me. And then I looked around the environment that I was in this new men program, and I seen the people that are in my life now. And you got guys coming up to you and asking if you want prayer. You got guys coming up and letting you know, man, if you need something, I got you, no strings attached, and guys leading Bible studies. And in that moment, I said, I want something different. I want something different, and God started working in my life. Started working in my life. I started coming clean to my wife about a lot of things that I had done. And we had a rough patch for about two months after my admittance to all this stuff. But God made it made a way. I gave my life to God on May 23rd, 2020, and I haven't looked back since. Yeah, I know that about you. Obviously, I don't know the country that you're describing, right? I only know the country that I've had the opportunity of knowing over the last two years. And that man is one, a man of God, two is a leader, a man amongst men, and just how you lead daily in here and stand for what you believe in. But three is an amazing father. And I've had the opportunity of witnessing that over the course of the last couple of years. Obviously, one of our first connections with you is at one of our revival events. And we had the opportunity of blessing your daughter and helping her with some of her college.

But then we had this God Behind Bars music event in Dallas, which was not in a present. It was in a normal environment setting, and they had the opportunity of coming down. And they drove four hours from Oklahoma to get to that event. And during that event, we had passed out these cards with just individuals, back numbers, inmate numbers on them. And they had the opportunity of writing a letter to that individual, as well as praying for that individual. And obviously, we did that because we were trying to conceal the names of certain people. But your daughter receives one of those cards at the event and she's looking at it. Why don't you tell the audience what happened? So she got this card, her, my other daughter, and my wife had got the cards. And mind you, there's hundreds of these cards, and this is all random chance. And she opens the card up, and it's my DLC number. It's my DLC number on this card. And she looks at her mom and she says, "This can't be right." So I think she went to one of your staff members, and they looked it up. And to see where the DLC number was stated was in. And it said Louisiana State Peninsula, and it was my DLC number. And she instantly looked at her mom and said, "Oh man, can I get another one?" Oh, it was amazing, honestly. And then she even wrote you a letter, right, that you would have received when we sent all that out saying, "Hey Dad, I think I got your number." But no, what a cool moment. But more than anything, I've got to see the revere that your girls hold for you. And I would honestly say that that is the desire of my heart for my daughters, is that they would look at me the same way that your daughters look at you. And so you've inspired me and it's something I look up to you in a major way. What are the practical steps that you take from prison as a father to have that kind of relationship with your girls and your son?

So it's hard in prison, right? It's hard to keep that relationship established, right? The love has always been there, right? But I have to be honest, yeah, I do my part I email and I write and I do my best to call when I can. But if it wasn't for their mother, right, who goes out of her way and drives all the way from Oklahoma to Louisiana hours and hours, 600 miles round trips, keeping money on the phone, right, and letting me know what their daily schedules are so I can build off of that when I call that night. How's that going? If it wasn't for my wife, Jessica, I don't think our relationship would be as great as it is. The amazing woman that she is and the strength and the poise that she shows every single day, she makes a way. And again, man, as a dad, we always have a part to play. And there's never an excuse not to show up and show out for our kids. - Yeah. - So I mean, I write when I can. I email them every chance that I can and I talk to them every night on the phone. But even in those moments, right? It wouldn't be possible without their mother because she's the one that puts the money on the kiosk machine. She's the one that puts the money on the phone and she's the one to make sure that I have what I need to buy stamps, right? It's all possible because of my wife, right? - You have a solid support system. And I got to meet your wife and I could see that

and she loves you dearly. - So if your family was sitting here right now, face to face with you and maybe things that you've never had the opportunity to share and like, what would you want them to know about their dad? - First that I love him. I love you more than anything in the world. For not being there sorry is just too small of a word. All the birthdays. All the Christmases and holidays and first events, report cards, I should have been there. And I don't know what God has in store for me or my family. I don't know. But I know we've given that opportunity to be there for everyday life experiences, those memory-building moments, those memory-making moments I will be. That I love them so much. I love them more than words could ever explain. There's not enough hugs and kisses that I could ever give them to make up for our lost time. And there is no words. There is no words just that I love you so much. - And for our outside listeners or those that have the opportunity to soon go home and be different. From one dad to another, from one dad to a mom, like those things that you just described, what would you encourage them by? And take advantage of every opportunity with your family, your kids.

Take every opportunity to tell them about Jesus Christ. Take every opportunity as a teaching moment. Don't ever miss an opportunity for hugs and kisses or snuggles. Don't miss opportunities for bedtime stories or vacations or classroom events or a fishing trip or a fishing trip or a dance. Just love them and show them what real love is. Just show them what real love is and start it all off with Jesus. Build your foundation on that. And lastly, to the person that is sitting as the 2023 Kevin, the one that is looking at his situation is hopeless, the one that is struggling with addiction, the one that is thinking about ending it all. Like, what do you say to that individual? - God's got a plan. God's got a plan and it's so much bigger than what you're going through. In the Bible, it says, "I will test your endurance until you are men of good character with no weak spots." Just dig in, dig in. God's got a plan. - I know I said lastly, last one. But I'm infamous for this. What do you want the world? Last, this is the very last thing. What do you want the world to know about you and who you are today? - I'm better than the worst thing I've ever done. And again, you know, sorry, it's too small of a word for the things that I have done.

I can't, I can't ever make up for that. But I'll spend eternity trying. I'll spend every day for the rest of my life trying to be a better man, not just from my family, but for all the people that I come in contact with. I'm no longer that little boy. I'm not searching for my identity no more because I have my identity in Christ. I know exactly who I am. I know exactly what I'm called to do. And I'm gonna do it, whether it's in these walls or whether it's outside these walls, it's not my purpose, it's not gonna change. If God grants me the gift of freedom outside these walls, that'll be amazing. But if his calling is from me inside these walls, even if that means me dying inside these walls and I'm okay with that too, I'm okay with that too. - Wow, well, you're inspiring, brother. I love you, man. Thank you for just the impact that you've had on my life. Thank you for the window of giving me the opportunity just to view into your life and your family. And now the rest of our audience as well, like truly, man, you're an inspiration and I believe that God has some pretty special plans for your life. Beyond even this environment where we're sitting today. So, love you, dog, love you too, brother.