How to Set Boundaries With Toxic People as a Christian

I'm glad we're together today in this space. My name is Mark Cummins. I'm the pastor at Church of Hope. And if you're a regular attender, welcome. So glad that week after week, we join together in this space. And if by chance, this is your first time, I'm really glad that we're beginning our friendship today. Understand that this broadcast literally goes around the world for free. See, we believe that life's at its best when people discover hope in Christ. There are people who give generously so this broadcast can be reached across every continent. If you've never given, I would invite you today to give. You can go to our webpage, hopeinOcala.com and drop down on the giving bar and give a one-time gift. Or you can give generously beyond just today. And if God's blessed you, help us as we give hope around the world. But for now, I want you to open up your heart and your mind. Let Jesus speak to you. Because what I believe is that when we open up our minds and let Jesus speak to us, life doesn't become perfect and all the problems don't go away, but you experience his presence in you, with you, and for you. Open up your heart. Let Jesus speak to you today. Peace.

Revenge makes you look more like your enemy. Forgiveness makes you look more like Jesus. Who do you look like? Marcus Aurelius said the best revenge is to be unlike the person who caused the wound in you. So let me ask you, what is your strategy? Your conflict management strategy? When you're offended, when you're wounded, when someone says something, does something to you, how do you respond? There are a lot of ways that you can be successful in life, but I would suggest to you, knowing how to respond when someone has injured you will create the very success that you're looking for. And Jesus speaks to this. So grab your Bible. We're in Matthew chapter five. It's the last few verses. We've been in Matthew five now for a while. Next week, we'll lean into Matthew chapter six. And Jesus is unpacking for us how to have a better life. He's given us a picture, a snapshot of the gospel. The gospel is so much more than just a moment in time when you offered a prayer so you don't go to hell when you die. He's outlining for us how in life, when life can knock you low, how to go to higher ground, how to experience life better and brighter. And notice the words in Matthew chapter five in verse 38. Have you heard that it was said,

an eye for an eye. You know, an eye for an eye just makes for a blind world. In many ways, that's the world we're living in today. It's all about revenge, retaliation. You said this, well, I'll counter with that. Then they counter back and they counter back. And we wonder why we can't see each other in the world today. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. But I say to you, Jesus says to us, do not resist the one who is evil, but if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. Now, let's be clear this morning. God is not asking you to be a doormat for people to trample upon. God is asking you to become a doorway in which grace can flow. Jesus calls us followers, those of us who are following after Jesus. He's asking us to go higher. See, the world changes people through retaliation. Jesus changes people through redemption. Again, let me ask you this morning, who you look like? The person that you're trying to extract revenge from, that rear view mirror you keep looking at,

you keep playing over in time, what they did to you and how you're kind of plotting, how you're gonna respond to them, or do you look more like Jesus? Look at verse 43, you've heard it said, you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you, Jesus says, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you so that you may be the sons of your father who is in heaven. For he makes the sun to rise on the evil and on the good and he sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For you will love those who just love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect. God's love, it is poured out on the just and the unjust. God's not a respecter of persons. God doesn't measure people up and say, okay, look at their voting record, look at how they identify themselves, or look what they did on Friday night compared to what they did on Saturday night. God says that the sun shines on all people and the rain pours out on all people. He's asking us to move from being respecter of persons to retaliate against them for what they did to us

to begin to respond at a higher way. The gospel isn't about sinless perfection, you and I getting it just right, perfect every time. It's a lifelong progression that becomes more like Jesus. So what's at play this morning is how do you respond when someone has offended you, when someone doesn't show up the way that you want them to show up, when someone's life is different, when they say they do something against you, how? What is your conflict management resolution plan? Jesus gives us a plan in these verses. So if you got your number two pencil, write these points down this morning. Number one is this, you've got to make a mental decision before the offense comes that you will refuse retaliation. That's number one, you've got to decide, it's a mindset. Before it's even said, you say out loud, I refuse to retaliate. Notice Romans chapter 12. Bless those who persecute you. Those of us who are Christ followers, bless those who persecute you. Bless and do not curse them. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. How the world would be different if just we who claim to be followers of Jesus

would step out into our everyday lives and respond differently. Don't become what hurt you. It's a decision, it's a choice. You actually get to make the choice. The ultimate insult is the person who has offended you now has control over your response to them. Why would you choose to give them that kind of authority over your life? Don't become who hurt you. I like the quote from Martin Luther King, he said this, the ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in moments of convenience, but where do they stand in moments of challenge, moments of great crisis and controversy. Refusing to retaliate doesn't mean there's no consequences. What they did, they did. What they said, they said. Refusing to retaliate means your character will not be controlled by somebody's conduct. The problem is people hurt us. You've been hurt, can't deny it. You've been insulted, you've been cheated on. There've been lies said about you. You have been rejected. It's an internal problem and we want revenge. Why should this person get away with what they just said about me? This is unjust, it feels unfair. And Jesus isn't just telling us what not to do,

he is outlining for us what to do. Refuse retaliation. Jesus is not saying allow abuse. He's not saying to ignore injustice, to stay rooted in danger. What he is teaching us is you can confront evil without copying evil. So let me teach you. Write this down in person. Someone comes up to you and they say something cruel, hurtful, harmful, it's evil. In the moment, they become an enemy to you. The first thing you do, write it down, pause. I know with everything inside of you, you want to respond. You want to retaliate. Your first, best, next step is just pause and breathe. Because when it's said, it's like a punch. You want to pull in, you want to hold your breath. And when you hold your breath, you are holding in all that energy for what you're about to release. So before you say one word of how you're thinking and what you want to do to them, use your breath, say nothing. If they keep going on, this is an important step. Mirror back to them. They're saying to you that you're incompetent, that you're ignorant. Just let it hang for a moment.

Mirror it back. So you're saying that I'm ignorant. You're saying that I'm stupid. Often, when somebody hears their own words back, they're like, well, no, no, no, I don't mean it like that. You immediately, all you're doing, you're not attacking them, you're not escalating it, you're not retaliating. All you're doing is mirroring back for them. Breathe, refuse that dopamine hit. That person is attacking you. They're saying it, they're doing it. And what they're looking for is that dopamine hit back. You're going to respond back. You're going to retaliate and lash. And then they get that dopamine pit. They get even more filled up with aggression back towards you. Just pause, no defense, no lecture. Just mirror back to them. So you're saying that I'm incompetent. Let it, and many times, that will diffuse it right then and there when they hear their own words. How about if it's not in person? What if someone is saying this online on a social media space? What if I hear a third person that, you know, Susie comes and tells me that, you know, this person said this about me or whatever. Here's the most important thing.

When it's third person, when it's online, do nothing. Don't respond. Don't lean into that space at all. Don't answer a fool in their folly. But Mark, if I could just share, if I could just share my opinion, if I could just share with them about me, I know if I could just explain it to them, then they wouldn't feel that way about me. Yeah, everybody in this room has tried that, and how's that worked for you? You're talking to an irrational person, a person who started with an ignorant statement. You now responding to them in a rational statement. They're not gonna experience it, they're gonna respond with even greater irrational. It doesn't magically create a sense of, oh, okay, I was so wrong in the way that I said something about you. Just don't respond at all. And to all my football fans in the house, you know that in a football game, when someone does something against another player, and that player retaliates against that player, who gets penalized? The person who did the first offense or the person who retaliated? And that happens every day in your life too. The first step is make a decision, refuse to retaliate. We're talking about your life.

Everything that's at stake is, let me just, it's not a matter of if there's conflict, you are gonna have conflict. Some of you have already had conflict today, and you're like, oh my goodness, Mark, why couldn't you have shared this with me at 5 a.m.? Because I was sleeping, okay? I get it, but you're gonna have conflict later today. The first thing, you've gotta make a decision. I'm not going to retaliate. And if in that moment something's being said and they just keep going on, a great tool in your toolbox is just mirror back them, because many times, once they hear their own words, they calm down. Here's a second conflict manager. Tool that Jesus is teaching us right here from the gospel. He's he's teaching us to create boundaries How do you? Manage conflict you have to create boundaries go back to your Bibles look at verse 39 if anyone slaps you Understand culturally This was more of a public insult It wasn't as much of a physical attack against them it's a verbal Emotional now we know Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never harm you Grandma was wrong when she told us that because a lot of times those names that have been said against us hurt more than a Broken bone right, but we're gonna create boundaries. He Jesus says if anyone slaps you Insults you on the right cheek turn to them the other cheek as well again Culturally this is not an attack. This is not a self-defense I'm gonna take him down and put him in a chokehold in an arm bar

I'm gonna shoot that what's happening here is a verbal insult It's a statement that saying you're beneath me Jesus says when someone's speaking that way towards you turn the other cheek meaning I refer I refuse to turn your insult It was an act of dignity not weakness Jesus is not asking us to be weak. It's a declaration of character not cowardice It's a way of saying you can disrespect me, but you can't define me Write that down They disrespected you But because they said it because they did it does not define you turning the other cheek is not the absence of boundaries It's the refusal to let someone else's sin dictate your response Jesus is teaching us higher level. He's teaching us how in this life when you are Abused and betrayed how we can respond in a better way Jesus calls us to love our enemies and not surrender our God-given responsibility for our lives He's not talking about personal protection here. He's talking about those the insults And so you set boundaries with calm standards and short phrases and follow-through You start by naming Without blaming I Don't I don't respond to disrespect. That's what turned the cheek you are I don't respond to disrespect When it happens in that moment again you you breathe you pause Give it a minute. Give it a couple beats You you can you can respond to them as I just taught you so you're saying that I'm careless You're saying that I I never show you respect often when they hear their own words They'll they'll settle down if they if they test that and they push back even even more Here's the framework. I want to give you write this down you pause you label you create the boundary the consequence you pause Don't do anything. They're attacking you turning you the other cheek you pause Jesus is teaching pause You literally are pausing and turning the cheek

Then what you're gonna do is you're going to label what was said you're gonna create the boundary and the consequence Let me see if I can model it for you I'm hearing you Insult how I work. I'm hearing you Declare that my character is this right? I'm Labeling what I'm hearing you believe I'm less than you believe that I'm Incompetent I'm labeling it now. I'm gonna create a boundary. I don't do disrespect I'm Turning the cheek. I don't respond and here's the consequence if it continues I'm ending the conversation and then you follow through I I Just set you up for a great life and you're gonna wish that you wrote this down someplace you pause You label what was said you don't attack them. You don't accuse them You just label what they just said about you now you create the boundary. I don't respond to that Who I am I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I'm not responding I'm not dignifying that my identity is is not rooted to the words that you just said. Here's the consequence. If this continues, I'm no longer staying in this space. You are creating a boundary. That's what Jesus is teaching by turning the other cheek. He is not telling you to let somebody abuse you. He's not declaring that you should just be a doormat and let somebody beat you up. He's creating the doorway for us as Christ followers, for people in our lives to walk through and experience the Jesus that we sang about earlier, that now he has changed me.

Here's the third thing that I want you to write down. We start by saying out loud, I'm gonna create a mindset. I choose not to retaliate. I refuse it, I will not. Second, I will create boundaries. He said, you turn the other cheek. He didn't say, you turn the other cheek and you turn the other cheek. You turn, turn, turn, turn, turn. No, no, no, no, you're creating a boundary. You're getting two shots at this and guess what? Then I'm out of here. He gave us an outline. Number three is this, choose generosity. It's the last thing that you really wanna do when somebody's offending you, when somebody is insulting you, the last thing that you wanna do is be generous towards them. But that's what Jesus is teaching us to do. Again, go back to your Bible. Look at verse number 40. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, your tunic, that was your undergarment, hand over your coat as well. Jesus wasn't teaching people to lose their shirt. He's teaching them to trust their savior. Isn't that who we are? Followers of Jesus. Most people in those days did not have closets

like we have filled with clothes. Most of them had two garments. They had a shirt that was close to the skin and then they had a coat. And Jesus is using a shocking example. He's basically saying, give away your shirt and give away your coat. Rather than fighting over possessions, he's asking us to demonstrate freedom from possessions. The issue isn't clothing. The issue is control. That's what's happening in conflict. In conflict, inside of you emotionally, you feel like you're out of control. What they said about you. So you lash back out. You retaliate to gain control. But you've been there. You don't gain control. You lose more control. In verse 41, he says, if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. See, people who know God owns everything don't have to fight over anything. That's who we are as Christ followers. God owns everything. I don't have to fight over anything because my God owns it all. See, Roman soldiers could legally force a person

to carry their equipment one mile. Imagine how that would just totally disrupt your life today. If the government authority could just say, hey, listen, I know you're on your way to a wedding, but by the way, you gotta go do this right now. I know you're on your way to work, but I mean, it just continued to remind it. This law, Israel was just reminded. They hated this law because it reminded them every day that they lived under Roman occupation. And Jesus says to go an extra mile, not because Rome deserved it, rather because followers of Jesus are not controlled by resentment. See, the first mile was required. You have to do this. The second mile was chosen. The first mile was a transaction. The second mile became an opportunity for transformation for this Roman soldier to say, hey, wait a second. Why isn't this person retaliating against me? Why is this person responding in a generous way towards me? Oh, let me tell you, because I'm a follower of Jesus. See, Christ followers live from an abundance mindset, not scarcity. When you retaliate, you are creating relational debt. You are spending emotional capital. You are purchasing further insult from the original insult.

And you are gonna go further in debt. Give more, here's a great principle in life. Give more than it's expected. A great principle in life goes like this, and then some. Whatever's asked of you at work, you go, and then some. Whatever you promised to your client, contractor, do what you promised, and then some. When we go and then some, we are modeling the gospel of Jesus Christ. Look at verse 42. Then he says this, give to the one who begs from you and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. Now, I'm gonna talk more about this next week, but for this week, at least I want you to know this. God calls us to be generous, not gullible. And so I know your heartstrings, you see somebody who's begging for something and you're like, I wanna do something for them. Not always, it's not a general, but most of the times out on the street, someone's asking you for cash. If you think for a moment that they're wanting to go get a cheeseburger, you are gullible. They're gonna go buy some drugs. I know you go home feeling well thinking that you gave that person that something. That's why we have a missions program. That's why Linda and I, we give generously here

because I know we are leaning into the ministries in Ocala who are actually meeting the people at their point of need. And so what Jesus is saying, just because someone's begging from something, he wants us to be generous, absolutely be generous, but he says, don't be gullible. See, God calls us to meet needs, not fund dysfunction. We've had misplaced compassion for a long time inside of the church. I'm gonna talk much more about that next week as we lean into chapter six. You know, let me land with this. He ultimately tells us that we love and we pray for our enemies, the people who hurt you or are different from you. Here, notice what he says in verse 43. You have heard it said that you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy. That's the common way of thinking, right? But Jesus says to us as Christ followers, imagine how this would change the world. Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Let me make it personal. All you Republicans, start loving all them Democrats. And all you Democrats, start loving them Republicans. Love someone who's the complete opposite of you, looks different than you, votes different than you. This line in the sand stuff, that's got nothing to do with the kingdom of God. It's evil.

We will keep getting the world that you have right now. If we, as Christ followers, this is what's at stake. If we don't pivot into the words of the gospel and start loving our enemy, anybody. Here, go back to the scriptures. He says, if you love your enemies and pray for those who persecute, so that you may be sons and daughters of your father, who's in heaven. For he makes his son rise on the evil and on the good. He sends rain on the just and the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same. In those days, like the low of the low of the low, is not the people who went out with Epstein to his island. It was the tax collectors. Like this is the bad of the bad of the bad. He says, what's this all about? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles, the Jewish people will look down on the Gentiles like these terrible, dirty, filthy, evil Gentiles. Do not even the Gentiles do the same. You therefore must be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect. Anyone can love a friend. However, the moment you love an enemy, somebody who betrays you, hurts you, disappoints you,

you look like Jesus. So let me ask you, who do you look like? If I were to go talk to your neighbors, if you go talk to my neighbors, hey, this is convicting for a guy named Mark. If we'd go talk to the person that was in front of me this morning while I was driving here, on their buffer, we're followers of Jesus. When you retaliate, you look like the person who hurt you. But when we choose higher ground, when we respond with forgiveness, when we create boundaries, when we respond in generosity, we look like Jesus. Jesus is more than preaching. He's providing a picture of how he lived. When Jesus, the one that you said that you're a follower of was insulted, he didn't retaliate. You can't find one place where he retaliated. When he was beaten, he did not seek revenge. When crucified, he prayed, Father, forgive them. Jesus never asked us to do something that he didn't already model for us. It's hard, it's hard loving our enemies because it triggers all kinds of emotions and feelings, fear and pride and pain and every instinct inside of you says fight back, attack them, cancel them, destroy them,

let the world see how evil they are. And what Jesus says is pray, bless, love. Everything's at stake, why? Loving your enemies is essential to following Jesus because Christians don't just represent Jesus, we reveal Jesus. We gather, we worship, we pray, we give, we serve, we sing, we look into the word, but we don't go out to just represent Jesus, we are revealing who Jesus Christ is by the way we respond to the people who betray us. Anyone can love somebody who loves them. Jesus says even unbelievers do that. God's kingdom loves differently. We love people the way that God loved us. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. The greatest evidence of God's work in you or in me is how you treat people who make your life difficult. And there's a choice, you and I have a choice with your one and only life and how you experience life. Is that an intersection this morning? You can ignore God's word. You can walk off this campus and you can turn off online and you can continue to retaliate and the bitterness will remain in you. Resentment will bubble up out of you and unforgiveness will be the hallmark of your life. Hatred will guide you and control you. The person who hurts you the most likely,

most likely has moved on, doesn't even remember the time that he said or she said whatever that they did. Oh, but bitterness keeps hurting you day after day after day. Bitterness is drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. So refuse, just make a decision this morning. I refuse to, I refuse to retaliate. Identify the person and then pray for them. Create boundaries, stop replaying in your mind the offense and stop planning the comeback, the retaliation and just trust your God. Your God's got you, he's in you, he's with you and he is for you and choose generosity, kindness. Extend that grace, not because they deserve it but because you received it. The world will tell you, fight back, get even, protect yourself. Jesus says, go higher, go to the high ground. Go to the high ground, turn your cheek, walk that second mile, love your enemies, pray for those who hurt you, why? Because that's exactly what he did for you. The clearest picture, if you're looking for a clear picture this morning of Jesus, it's found in how you treat people. Not at their best but how you treat people when they're at their worst. If you wanna know where you and Jesus stand, that person, now I'm telling you,

we're not minimizing, we're not covering up. They said what they said, they did what they did, they posted online, they did it. But if you wanna see where you and Jesus stand this morning, it's not how you respond to your family on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And you respond to me. It's how you respond to the person who's hurt you the most the greatest miracle May not be a blind man Being healed It may be loving someone who won't wounded you the most Mark, I just want to see a miracle in my life. I just want I pray for miracles. I want miracles all around me Oh, there's a miracle that God's waiting to birth out of you forgiving people Friends Give you an opportunity to enjoy life and aren't you grateful for friends get to enjoy life with them and celebrate I mean, I'm grateful for friends, but enemies Give you opportunities To become more like Jesus and the way the world gets better is when Mark and you Get more like Jesus I'm glad we're together today in this space My name is Mark Cummins. I'm the pastor at Church of Hope and if you're a regular Attender welcome so glad that week after week we join together in this space And if by chance, this is your first time, I'm really glad that we're beginning our friendship today Now understand that this broadcast literally goes around the world for free See, we believe that life's at its best when people discover hope in Christ

There are people who give generously so this broadcast can be reached across every continent If you've never given I would invite you today to give you can go to our web page HopeinOcala.com and drop down on the giving bar and give a one-time gift or You can give generously beyond just today and if God's blessed you help us as we Give hope around the world But for now, I want you to open up your heart and your mind Let Jesus speak to you because what I believe is that when we open up our minds and let Jesus speak to us life Doesn't become perfect and all the problems don't go away but you experience his presence in you with you and For you open up your heart. Let Jesus speak to you today. Peace