Family Feud || Relationship-ology || Dr. Dharius Daniels

(audience applauds) We've been tilling hard ground this entire series. This is the most sensitive sermon in the series. And we're gonna deal with some real dynamics here. And I salute your prayers. I feel burdened to address this. I've been passed around 21 years. I know this is a problem. I know this happens. My wife and I work with served people who are dealing with these dynamics. So, second, Samuel chapter 13, verse 17. It says, "He called his personal servant and said, 'Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her.'" So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate robe. For this was the kind that garment, the Virgin Daughters of the King wore. Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away. Weeping aloud as she went. I wanna stop the reading of scripture there and talk from this subject and our time together. I wanna talk from this subject, family feud. Clap your hands if you're ready for God's word. (audience applauds) I wanna start this sermon with a statement that is not a direct quote, but it is a quote

that is inspired by a direct quote from the author of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, a gentleman named Peter Scazero. And the quote is as follows. Jesus is in your heart, but granddaddy is in your habits. Jesus is in your heart, but granddaddy is in your habits. In other words, there are some personal practices that are a result of family patterns. Just because we left the house we grew up in doesn't mean the house we grew up in left us. And when we left the house we grew up in we took more than our bags, we took some baggage. I am not in any way suggesting that we come from bad families. We come from bad families. I am suggesting that every family has broken people. And broken people create relational dysfunction. And relational dysfunction shows up in our personal practices. We do not all deal with the same family dysfunction. We do not all deal with family dysfunction in the same areas. We do not all deal with family dysfunction to the same degree, but every family that's a human family is comprised of and consists of imperfect people. And those imperfections don't just show up somewhere, imperfections show up everywhere. The fact that you're imperfect doesn't mean you do one thing imperfectly. It means you do nothing perfectly. And those imperfections often have implications on those that are closest to us, particularly family.

And the Bible is inundated with examples that support what I'm simply suggesting. But there is no scripture in the Bible, in my opinion, that corroborates my claim like our foundational text here in Second Samuel chapter number 13. What makes this text profound is not just what's happening with the family in this text. What makes this text profound is whose family this is happening to? Second Samuel 13 exposes us to incidents in the life of the family of David. You mean David, David? Yeah, David, David. You mean that David that had so much faith that he fought a giant with a slingshot? That David who responded to his unique agitation with spiritual assertiveness and aggression? That David? That David that was so passionate in his praise that he danced with all his might? That David that was so faithful, that he was called a man after God's own heart? That David with that much faith, that much fervor and that much faith, that much faithfulness had one of the most dysfunctional families in scripture. This reality teaches us this truth, that spiritual sincerity does not make you immune to race. And just because you're doing religion well doesn't mean you're doing relationships right.

(audience applauds) And what we have called holy in our families hasn't always been healthy in our families. And some of the most egregious family dysfunction can show up in supposedly spiritual households. And this text is an example of what I'm articulating. This text drops us off into one of the darkest moments in David's family. David has a son named Amnon by one wife. He has a daughter named Tamar by another wife. He has a son named Absalom by that same wife. So Tamar and Absalom have the same mom and the same dad. Amnon simply shares a dad with them. Are you here? The Bible tells us that Amnon develops a sickening, ungodly and intense desire for his sister Tamar. He with the help of his cousin devises a plan to try to get Tamar alone. So he pretends that he's sick, sends word to his father, to ask his father to send his sister to bring him some food as he's battling his sickness. Now, the question should erase the request, should erase some questions for David. Because if you're a king and you got servants, and your family has servants, why is your son asking for his sister to come and cook for him and serve him when you got people you paid to cook for him and serve him? (congregation applauding)

The text doesn't tell us why David didn't investigate, but he didn't investigate. It could have been practical because he's a king and because he's a king, he's busy. And because he's busy, he didn't get, he didn't give the kind of mental attention to that request. He could have given to that request. Doesn't mean he was a bad father, doesn't mean he was a negative father, a negligent father, it could mean he was just busy at that particular moment. Or it could have been relational because he realizes and recognizes that I got kids by Amnon, Amnon's Mama, and I got kids by Tamar and Absalom's Mama, and I wanna make sure that no kid feels a certain way, even though they don't have the same mom. So maybe I am not as scrutiny as I need to be because I don't wanna come off the wrong way to a son that I don't wanna feel like he's being treated differently. I don't know. I just know he should have asked some questions. But he did not ask questions. So he sends his daughter to tend to Amnon. And when Tamar comes in, she's prepared his food. She brings him to food. Amnon makes everybody get out of the room. He grabs Tamar and then propositions Tamar. Tamar is repulsed.

She says no. She pleased with him. She tries to reason with him. But the Bible says, Amnon refuses to listen. He overpowers her. He violates her. Physically assaults her. And after he finishes, he has a servant throw her out. Bolts the door says, "Get this woman out of my face." And the text says, "She walks out wearing a robe, "that King's daughter's ward, who were virgins." Text says she tears the robe 'cause she lost more than a robe. She lost her virtue. She lost dignity. She lost value. She lost something that she was supposed to give to her husband. (audience applauding) She lost hope of the wedding she really wanted. And she puts ashes on her forehead, a sign of mourning and puts her hands in her head and she begins to weep. But remember, she got a brother. (audience cheering) Name Absalom. And what I'm trying to do here, what I'm trying to do, whenever I preach a lot of narratives and I preach a lot of narratives for a reason 'cause my assignment is biblical faithfulness, right, that builds a bridge to daily living.

That's my calling, right? That's my calling. So it is teaching us biblical yet highly practical. How does this show up in your life tomorrow? That's my assignment, right? steward tomorrow and a better coworker tomorrow, right? To be salt and light in the earth. We are not obsessed with Jesus' return. The Bible says no man knows the day of the hour. We are obsessed with following His instruction to occupy until He comes. Yeah, that's the next series. We outside. We in the governmental sector. We're in the business sector. We're in the arts and entertainment sector being salt and light of the earth. So when I preach these narrative sermons, I'm not trying to demonize the people in the Bible. I'm trying to humanize them because I think we don't learn from them because we deify them. Jesus is the only God man in Scripture, not Abraham, not Isaac, not Jacob. Come on here. They are flawed and broken men and women just like me and you. And we observe and dissect their life. We're not demonizing them. We're learning from them. If we can celebrate David for dancing with all of his might, we can critique David for not protecting his daughter. If we can celebrate Abraham for stepping out on faith and going to a land that God would show him, we can critique Abraham for lying and saying his wife was his sister. We can say, I can learn from you there, but I'm not going to do that. So we need to humanize because I'm not endorsing what Absalom did, but you need to humanize. Stop deifying and humanize because Absalom gave his daddy time to do something. Two years. And daddy did nothing. And he knows what this man who in his mind, you might have brother. You're not even my mama child. And you did this to my whole sister. We got, you got some. Now, I'm not condoning or endorsing what Absalom did because the Bible says the way you respond to evil shouldn't be with evil. It's not just right. It's not just right to not do that. It's wise to not do that, right? Is it, is it? I know when you get angry, you get tempted to respond, but he says the anger of man doesn't produce the righteousness of God. Vengeance should not be taken into our own hands. So we agree with what the Bible says there. We submit to what the Bible says there. Yet at the same time, I can look at what Absalom did and say, you are wrong, but I understand. Because he had Amnon offed. That's wrong, unalived. He's

wrong. It's sinful. It is a sinful response to anger, but he's a human. And if you are not a human that is governed by the principles of God and governed by the spirit of God, you'd be surprised what you're capable of doing. If you find yourself in certain situations, don't you judge them yet? Because you don't know what you would be tempted to do if you were placed in a situation. Come on, fathers, somebody put their hands on your daughter. Yeah, the Lord is my shepherd, okay? So you know, this does, this produces tension between Absalom and his dad now. Because Dave is like, you killed my son. Absalom is like, he touched your daughter and you don't even do nothing. And they respect you in the kingdom. I don't respect you in the castle. As a matter of fact, I should be king. This the kind of king you are, I should be king. So he's a man that's more respected for the work he does in the kingdom. But he is not respected by the people in his castle. When the harsh desire of a third-way man should be those that know me the best, respect me the most. See, second way is, it's like that tree that Jesus saw from the road that had leaves and you give That's what second way produces. Religious leads, exterior, that looks godly. But who are you behind the scenes? Who are you and no one's looking? Where's the-- (audience cheering) Here's where I'm not trying to demonize David. I'm not trying to demonize David. I'm trying to show you duplicity. I'm trying to show you how two realities can really be true. That you can be dancing before the Lord where all your might. And a father so distracted and dysfunctional that this is going on in your house. Both of these (beep) that you can kill a giant outside your house.

But can you handle the problems inside of it? (audience cheering) But can I tell you something? I'm not surprised. The reason I'm not surprised is because it's God's intention that family be the first place of formation. Now, we replaced that and we made a church. (audience cheering) Which is why we want to outsource the discipling of our children when it should be a supplement, not a substitute. Anyway, the-- (audience cheering) The church only exists because of the failure of the first family. (audience cheering) Church wasn't even in God's plan. Church. Church's God's redemptive response to the failure of the family in the Garden of Eden. If Adam and Eve would have done what they was supposed to do, church wouldn't even exist. (audience cheering) Family is the place that God intended to be the primary place of formation. (audience cheering) It's family. (audience cheering) Are you here?

Family, God intends for the family to be a place where identity is formed. So, come on here. So, I'm not supposed to, it was God's intention that I wouldn't have to search for who I am outside my house. That when I came outside my house, I already knew. So, I don't date dumb trying to figure out who I am because I know who I am. I date and I discern wisely because my daddy told me I was pretty before I got outside the house. My daddy told me I don't need you for a bag. He got one before I got outside my house. (audience cheering) Identity is formed in the house. And so, we have a workaholism and territorialism and position jockeying in church because people are trying to find something in the workhouse and in God's house that they were supposed to get in their house. (audience cheering) My daddy used to look me in the face and say, "You are Daniels." (audience cheering) You are Daniels. Did you hear what I just said? He would say, "You are Daniels, we don't do that." We are Daniels, pull your pants up. We are that, y'all not talking timid. We were poor and I used to be ashamed of the shoes.

There was some shoes that we used to get from a place called Payless and we would get Pro-Wings. And I took something y'all too young for this called Liquid Paper and I liquid paper over the Pro-Wings so people would know I didn't have name brand shoes and my daddy say, "Take that liquid paper off those shoes." Put the miraculous and restless up on yourself. Tuck your shirt in. It's not what's on the man. It's what's in the man. (audience cheering) So I don't get my identity impastering because I knew who I was before I came on. (audience cheering) I was a Daniels when I came and I'll be a Daniels when I leave. (audience cheering) (audience cheering) It got fun in the family. (audience cheering) Which is why you need an anointing hallelujah for your parent. Some of you need to tell your kids if God wanted you to be born in another environment, he would have gave you a different set of parents. You might not like the parents you got, but these are the ones that's gotten anointing for you. I got patience for you and it's something on my life that needs to get on yours.

So just deal with it. I'm your daddy. (audience cheering) Identity should be fun. family. He should learn in the house not to be sheisty. In the house not to use people. In the house to say thank you. In the house. Responsibility should be learned. That's what chores are about. Chores aren't about dishes. Chores are about responsibility. Teaching you that other people are impacted when you're negligent in carrying your weight. When you drop the ball somebody else has got to pick it up. You need to be responsible. We need responsible men. We need responsible women. We need responsible leaders. And safety should be experienced. Safety. It should be. I know if I'm safe, nowhere else. I'm safe at home. I know if everybody else is acting funny everywhere. I'm safe at home. See that's God's intention. But whatever God creates the devil tries to co-op. Whatever God tries to use as an instrument of blessing the enemy wants to use as an avenue of brokenness. So he puts his hands on the same thing God's got his hands on. And you decide whose hands get to determine how it's formed. So, family is always a place of formation. The question is, is it a formation into destiny or dysfunction? You're being formed. This is why I'm not surprised by David's parenting practices. Because he was formed into a family, formed by a family that had some very dysfunctional parenting practices. Because in first Samuel, a prophet and a judge named Samuel is sent to David's house. Because God told Samuel the next king is there. David's dad is named Jesse. And he says, Jesse, I need you to bring your son. Sammy says, Jesse, I need you to bring your sons before me. Because the next king is here. Jesse calls seven of his sons. The first one comes out. Now, this isn't in the text. The text mentions a ram horn. But some historians say that there was one of the ways Samuel discerned. This isn't a text, but this is supplemented by some of his stories. Just something to think about. Just hypothesis that the one of the ways Samuel discerned whether or not it was the Lord wasn't just by God's audible voice, but the refusal of the oil to move in the horn. That when Iliab got there, the oil wouldn't move. And when the second son got there, the oil wouldn't move. All the way down to the seventh son, the oil wouldn't move. You see, because when God has something for you, it doesn't matter who gets there first. If it's for you, it won't move until

you get there. Listen to this. Seven of his sons get to Samuel first. And Samuel has to say, are these all your kids? He say, no, I got one more, but, and then one more is David. Go get him. Your dad, it didn't even think enough of you. It was like, he was like, it's no way, it's you. Now, let me ask you something. Do you think that's the only way or the only time he treated David like that? Do you think that's an isolated incident? It's reflective of the way he saw him and probably the way he treated him. And so what David, I would argue models is someone who is reacting to what he witnessed with extremism and not objectivity. So because your dad had made you feel like nothing, you went all the way to the other extreme and now you want to be correct, your kids. Now you just let Emnon do anything. You are so sensitive. Instead of having a biblical balance, a biblically balanced approach, you go all the way to the other extreme because you assume the opposite is right. [BLANK_AUDIO] and now it grew to the point, now you can't deal with it. You saw how the people were praising him in the gates and you got to be wise enough to know who can handle so much praise. 'Cause praise turns men in the monsters. Praise the turns on woman into a witch, y'all not talking to me, come on. (audience cheering) (audience clapping) And I'm not saying you've dealt with David kind of dysfunction, but I am saying because it's an imperfect family. You've dealt with some dysfunction and here's the challenge. The challenge is many of us connect dysfunction to danger. So you assume if you never felt like you were in danger, you didn't feel dysfunction. When all dysfunction isn't dangerous,

but all dysfunction does some damage. Some of it is damaged because people did stuff they shouldn't have done. Others is damaged cause 'cause they didn't do enough of what they should have did. (audience clapping) I don't have time, but if I had time, I would contrast Jesse's response to David with the God, the Father's response to Jesus. 'Cause when Jesus was baptized in the Jordan Riverhead, the Holy Spirit descended on him in the form of a dove and a voice from heaven said, "This is my beloved son, you are Daniels, "in whom I'm well pleased." He had his identity before he went into ministry. So he wasn't trying to get his identity from ministry. This is why he could look at people in John 6 who left him when he gave a heart say it. When he says, "Unless you eat my flesh or drink my blood, "you have no part of me." He could look at Peter and say, "Are you gonna leave too? "I don't want you to leave, but you leaving, "don't change who I am." 'Cause when you don't know who you are, you will walk after people, you need to let walk out. Let me go over here. (audience clapping) When you don't know who you are, you will walk after people, you need to let walk away. (audience clapping)

(audience cheering) So yeah, maybe you didn't have an amnon issue, but you had an absence issue. It was an absence issue. Does that make sense? Yeah, maybe your mother wouldn't ungodly, but maybe she wasn't nurturing. So you don't even know how to receive love now as a woman 'cause you didn't. (audience clapping) You don't know how to receive correction from a man 'cause your daddy didn't correct you, so now you fighting coaches. Now you're uncoachable, oh my gosh, yeah. Now a coach can't tell you to put some air in your jump shot without your feelings getting hurt because your daddy didn't correct you. (audience clapping) Why is it quiet in here? And you can only grow to the level that you are willing to be corrected. And some people are not reaching their redemptive potential because they are uncorrectable. (audience cheering) Your boss can't tell you fix anything, you can't be corrected. So you didn't get attacked, but you didn't get aligned either. And both of them are dysfunctional, which is why we need spiritual family because God gives spiritual family to help reform us. (audience clapping)

And to who he's called us to be. You may not have David's enemies, but David had some enemies that he was fighting in his castle that we might be fighting in ours. And we need to be aware of what some of these things are. So that we can be properly positioned to deal with them in a healthy and a holy way. So as I'm prepared to take my seat here, a few enemies I see that David had to address in his house that we might have to address in ours. Number one is an enemy called acquired dysfunction. I made it up. (audience laughing) I made it up. I made it up. So even though my master's is in theology, my master's are divinity, my doctor's in ministry. Most of you don't know my undergrads in political science with a minor in religion. And so my interest in political science was more political theory, not policy, but theory. And a lot of the theory, a lot of political theorists were philosophers and some of them were even theologians. into, that's because that's the way God wired me. This is the way I'm supposed to do it. So I come up with these words here. It's acquired dysfunction. And this is destructive traits or tendencies that were taught in certain family environments. Now, if you Pentecostal, you would call this a generational stronghold. And a stronghold is not a thing that's got a stronghold on you. That's not what a stronghold is. A stronghold is a, well, Paul says in Second Corinthians chapter number 10, he says, "The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God. They have the divine power to demolish strongholds." Now, watch what he says here. We demolish arguments.

Arguments. Arguments. And every potential that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, because a stronghold is like a wall. So Paul is saying arguments are like bricks that build a wall that set itself up against the knowledge of God. So the stronghold isn't the thing that's got a hold on me. The stronghold is the argument. It's the belief. It's the thinking pattern that I've constructed that allows me to engage in that behavior. So the stronghold is not a drug addiction. The stronghold is the belief that this makes me feel better. So you keep, come on here. So until the belief that this makes me feel better, it's demolished. You cannot change your behavior. So warfare, I ain't even got time with this. The proclamation of truth is an act of spiritual warfare, because that's how you demolish strongholds. So the devil will use bad information or bad experiences to create these beliefs that service bricks that build up walls, get hurt bad enough, get broken bad enough, and see once you develop some beliefs out of that brokenness. Men are no good. That's a brick. Can't trust these women. That's a brick. Preaches want your money. That's a brick. Maybe based in a legitimate experience. Did y'all hear what I just said? Yeah, you may have had some legitimate bad experiences with men, bad experiences with women, bad experiences with people in authority, but when you develop a whole belief system. Now anytime truth contradicts what you already believe, it can't get in. This is why Christians hear tons of sermons they never use. The walls up. So if you got a belief about forgiveness, I can tell you the Greek Hebrew Swahili definition of forgiveness. You're not doing it. A stony part. Soil. Let's see you want to take root. And we see this with David. Is some behavior that we're engaging in? That's a result of beliefs. I'm almost done. Y'all okay? Because we talked about what happened with Amnon, but what if I told you it didn't start with Amnon? Because Amnon, this is 2 Samuel 13. In 2 Samuel chapter number 11, here's what's interesting with Amnon's dad, David. David now, the Bible says it was time that kings should have been at war. Now I'm not, I don't know why he didn't go to war. That's a whole nother sermon. I don't know why he wasn't where he was supposed to be when he was supposed to be there. He could have been tired of fighting. I'm not going to bother that too. He's been fighting this whole life and sometimes you get overwhelmed. I'm not going to bother this because every other fight wouldn't

his fight. That's, that wasn't his sheep he was tending to with the lion and the bear. That was his dad's sheep. Ah, Goliath wasn't even his enemy. That was the enemy of Israel. So his whole life, he's been fighting other people's fights. Now he don't have energy for his own. That's another. I've been fixing all your problems. Now I'm too tired when it comes to fix mine. So when he should have been at war, he's walking around. Texas, he got up from his bed, walked around the roof of the palace. From the roof, he saw a woman bathein. Watch where the Texas, she was very beautiful. Very. So the Texas, David, sent someone to find out about her. The man said she's Bathsheba. The daughter of Ilium, the wife of Uriah, the hit tight. Now, I don't know why David wasn't in war, that's his business. He's walking on a roof, that's a coincidence. He sees a woman that's fine, and he finds her attractive. That's normal. He looks into who she is, who that is. (crowd laughing) I'm tracking with David, until they come back and say, "That's somebody's wife." That's enough, but they said Uriah, the hit tight. They give a degree of specificity, 'cause this Uriah, the hit tight, is in David's army. So remember, David, not at war, but Uriah is. This just nasty work, David. I'm sorry. I know you wrote "The Lord is My Shepherd." We like that, but this is nasty work over here.

Come on here and tell the David, this is ghetto. Come on, tell the truth. This man is out fighting for you. (crowd cheering) (crowd chattering) And the text says, "Even after that," he said, "Have Abroad to Me." And we need biblical masculinity, we need godly order, but we have to stay away from toxic patriarchy, because toxic patriarchy perverts your hermeneutics. So when you start reading texts, you read things into the text that's not even logical. Bathsheba gets all the blame. I don't understand how you can read this text and blame Bathsheba at all. She has to come when the king calls contextually. She's gotta come or die. We don't know anything else about her. We don't know if she's got any other children. We don't know what's going through this woman's head, so the king calls her is intimate with her. Now he comes to his senses and he wants to cover tracks. So he tells one of his military officials, "Signioriah back home." He's been on deployment. He's been away from his wife. Hopefully he'll come home and be intimate with his wife. Then that way when she pops up pregnant, he will think his his. That's just nasty work to me.

(crowd cheering) You're about to know that's your baby, and you don't... (crowd cheering) You won't know involvement. But Uriah demonstrates more character than the king. 'Cause more cash don't mean more character. More power doesn't mean more character. Because Uriah went home and wouldn't even go inside and be intimate with his wife. He said, "There's no way I'm going inside "to be intimate with my wife "when my brothers are out there fighting "for their life." This man was more loyal to David than he was to him. This is why part of our mission at this house is to help people live, love, and lead like Jesus. And when we deal with leadership, it speaks to the way you steward power. Yes, God's gonna blow you up from the flow up, but once God blows you up from the flow up, you got power to do right, and you got power to do stuff like this. (crowd cheering) Got power to exploit. You abusing this man's loyalty. This man, this lawyer to you, and this how you handle loyalty? The Lord is my shepherd. (crowd cheering) Y'all not talking to me.

This second Samuel. This is after he danced before the Lord with all of his might. Your praise break, don't fool me. (crowd cheering) (crowd cheering) Your chapter 11 is after chapter six. (crowd cheering) So he sends you right back out to, Now now you see Second Sam at 13 you see emnon with what he did with what he did with Tamar. You see that? That's his son But then let me show you what apsilon his other son did second Samuel Chapter number 16 says they pitched the tent for apsilon on the roof and he slept with his father's concubines in the sight of all of Israel In the sight yes Yes on the roof for everybody to see Then David's other son named Solomon This is again why characters needed for money and power and first King's chapter 11 verse 3 Solomon has 700 wives and 300 concubines. It's only 365 days in the week. What are you doing? How you running a kingdom What are you doing You see the pattern What's the stronghold the strongholds not the intimacy with women the stronghold is the lie That women are simply objects of your pleasure the Stronghold is the objectification of women the stronghold is they did not see women as daughters of God The stronghold is is that they didn't see women as image bearers made in the image of God So they just use them for their pleasure and then discarded them once they were through with them And that's why you see the perpetuation of this activity because the stronghold Wasn't the actions is the belief

She just exists To please you So who cares about her feelings Y'all oh boy, I better lead this I better lead this along I better lead this along who cares whether or not you giving her what she Need as long as you get what you want you walking in you won't her to be hot and bother you must think you hadn't paid attention to All day long you had I don't hear anybody talking to me You put on some weight a YouTube we both look pregnant I Tails let's go But cuz you just exist You just exist to please me So Here's the issue none of them did the same thing because you can have the same pattern but different manifestations Abraham lied and said his wife was his sister his son Isaac lied said his wife was his sister his His daughter-in-law lied and helped deceive his son So that his son gave the birthright to Jacob when it should have went to Esau then when Jacob had kids His 12 sons well 11 out of 12 sons lied and said that one of the sons named Joseph had died It's not a coincidence And what's happening is because you don't know what happened with Abraham you think the problem's just you And I want to be clear I'm not talking about everybody your family there are people in your family you don't know the way you think you do They therapists know them Because that part you don't see There have been people who said these my dad would never I'm like you don't you don't know your My mom would never you don't know your That Part of what sanctification does is it brings you out of duplicity and it makes you an integer Makes you hold integer integrity I Become less duplicitous and who I am is who I am We got a we got acquired dysfunction two is writing a text we saw we got abuse in the text

Take Mars abuse call it what it is in a man of God's house abused [BLANK_AUDIO] For some of you it's emotional. For others of you it was verbal and it was called old school. And I'm not saying that everything old school was abusive, I'm saying some things were. Yes, and we have to stop celebrating that which was dysfunctional. There's a difference between a switch and a branch, a branch popping somebody versus punching them. Financial abuse, exploitation, because some abuse, all abuse is a violent. Some of us exploited. I've been doing this 21 years, there have been kids who go into college and try to get a student loan and try to get an apartment and figure out they got bad credit. No, you didn't put that in your name, abuse, and here's number 3 which is the worst one. Some families acquired dysfunction, you're fighting that. Some families abuse, verbal, physical, financial. Number 3, apathy. Here's what the text says, after this happened to Tamar, David did nothing. He was angry but he didn't act, which is one of the reasons Absalom stepped in and filled the gap. When Eli's sons were wilding out, he didn't do anything, apathy. Everybody knows how Uncle Willie is. We're just walking around at the family reunion, acting like he hadn't touched these nieces and nephews. We're going to keep subjecting Tamar to this kind of abuse because we're trying to protect Uncle Willie. You got one parent watching another parent beat you to a pulp and they won't step in and say, "Baby, that's enough." Apathy. When all throughout scripture, one we see warnings, holy warnings about how we handle the vulnerable and little ones and we see very clear instruction and admonition to advocate for and to defend

and how. David, how will you fight a bear and a lion and you'll fight Goliath and you'll fight Philistines and you won't even handle your own son? Come on, parent, how will you fight a teacher and a bus driver but not deal with your nasty boyfriend? Come on in here. You'll fight in the wrong paper. In church, dancing before the Lord, with all our might and Tamar's broken, carrying scars for the rest of our life because it's just apathy. I want to ask what about Tamar? After we get through singing our songs, what about Tamar? After we get through dancing, what about Tamar? Apathy, which is why, and again, I want to talk about this in a couple of weeks when I deal with human husbandology because I'm not just talking about marriage, I'm talking about manhood and not toxic masculinity that we see in culture, but then not also this passive masculinity that we see in culture too because culture tries to disciple men into toxic masculinity and try to disciple them out of biblical masculinity. You need biblically masculine men. Your uncle will it come on Yeah, yeah, you're going downtown Because you need to be quarantined Until you get help we love you, but we're gonna love you come on here. You got to fix this And I'm just telling you trust me 21 years it is Some of you might not even know what your kids are caring. Have you ever asked? Have you ever asked because some of them have literally carried brokenness because they didn't want to break your heart Have you ever asked This This is why our approach we believe sin is insidious we believe sin is self-destructive we believe is inconsistent with God's intent We believe it eradicates human flourishing But you'll see our approach to addressing it is very different

Why because we realize that you can't fix the badness until you deal with the brokenness So screaming at somebody to stop doesn't work And if all a preacher is doing it is doing his screaming he not living it Because he would know Telling you not to do it only last so long She would know only telling you not to do it only last so we have to get behind the actions to see what's broken Because you don't like intimacy that much to be that promiscuous what's broken Let me go over here. You don't even enjoy it You don't even what's broken what are you trying to get from this now? Let me show you how the gospel is the answer to that Because the gospel won't just fix your behavior the gospel will make you whole but gospel won't just a deal with your badness The gospel will heal your brokenness I'm done I forgot to do that So we're gonna get ready to go But the question is if you're dealing with this, what do you need? How do I fight backcaster? If it's been acquired dysfunction if it's been abused if it's been apathy, how do I fight back? One you're gonna have to have faith That your history is not your destiny faith is acting like God is telling the truth It is the discipline of biblical expectation It is the belief that God can rewrite my story because our women's ministry here is anchored in a text in Proverbs called Proverbs 31 And Proverbs 31 is written by Solomon. It's written under a pseudonym Emilio and what Solomon says is that these are words that were given to him by his mother Do you know who his mother is his mother is Bathsheba? Oh my So when you read Proverbs 31 you are reading the words of Bathsheba It's telling you how God will take your mess and turn it into a ministry How God can redeem your life from destruction you got to believe The faith without works is dead so this means you're gonna have to do some work You have to go some therapy You're gonna have to have some hard conversations You're gonna have to tell mama some stuff

It's gonna break our heart Faith Amnaud don't have the last say The abuse don't have the last word What they should have been but they weren't God will be a Father Who will defend you a friend? That sticks closer than a brother You need faith - you're gonna need focus focus is selective attention You have to make a decision When the enemy keeps trying to pull your attention Into how bad you are How broken you are? How dysfunctional you are? You're gonna have to redirect your attention Paul said I don't count myself to apprehended But this one thing I do forgetting those things that are behind reaching I press And then number three Forgiveness [BLANK_AUDIO] This don't even mean we cool. This don't mean we close. This just means I recognize what you took from me. You can never give me back. Your apology can't give me years back. So it means, as Denise Bogg says, I receive the blood of Jesus as full and satisfactory payment for what you did to me. Even if I feel the temptation to be Absalom, I won't. But to do this well requires something called prophetic lament. And as we prepare to go, I'm going to pray.

And this is going to be our benediction. What lament is the sacred practice of bringing God in honest account of what happened, naming the true cause of what was lost and declaring by faith that the pain, however real, doesn't get the right, the final chapter of the story. There's a whole book of the Bible called Lamentations. It's lamenting. It's grief. It's honestly acknowledging the pain in my past, but it's prophetic in the sense because I'm believing in God's intervention in the future. So here's a prayer, I want you to pray this in your heart. God, you created my family to be a place of love and safety and belonging, but I acknowledge that there are parts of my family experience that were not what you intended. Some things happened that should not have happened. Some things, there was some things I needed that I never got. Some people who should have protected me that didn't. Some people who should have stayed, but they left. There were some people who remained physically present, but they were emotionally absent. They saw my pain and they remained silent. And some of them caused pain. They never accepted responsibility. So today I bring you what I have carried. I bring you the patterns I acquired before I even understood them. I bring you the abuse I experienced and the ways it affected me. I bring you the apathy of those who knew about it, but did nothing. I bring you the abandonment that made me question my worth. I bring you the anger I've suppressed, the anger I've expressed, the anger I've allowed to control me. Father, I grieve. I grieve what happened. I grieve what it cost me.

I grieve the safety I didn't feel. I grieve the protection I didn't receive. I grieve the affirmation I never heard. I grieve the apologies I never got. However, I declare that by your grace I will not become what wounded me. I will not reproduce what damaged me. I will not pass untreated pain onto the people I love. This may be part of my family history, but it will not control my family's future. The pain was real, but I refused to let it rule. And what ran in my family will not run me, be healed, be delivered, and be set free in Jesus' name. I love you. We'll see you next week. [applause] (applause) [MUSIC PLAYING]