Ed's Testimony

My name's Ed. I'm the son of the Most High King and adopted son of God through Jesus Christ, and that's my new identity. In the past, I've struggled with anxiety, alcoholism, prescription drug use, isolation, unforgiveness, anger issues, sexual integrity, grief, isolation, fear, selfish pride, but most of all, control. My name's Ed. I was blessed to be raised by both of my parents in a home where we called ourselves Christians, but the only time I heard the name of Jesus was in the form of a curse word. I'm the baby of my family. I have a sister who's a little over a year older than me, and I have a brother who's eight years older than me. Well, he's actually my adopted brother, and really, he's my father's stepbrother. My dad adopted him when he was really young. The story isn't about him, but he plays a really big part in my life, so please bear with me. When my brother turned 13 or so, he started hanging out with the wrong crowd, and this led to his first incarceration while still a minor. This left me feeling confused, shamed, and a sense of abandonment. About this same time, I was introduced to pornography by a 17-year-old son of good friends of my family while my parents were at my brother's lawyer's office. He later sexually abused me when my parents were at that meeting, another meeting. I was about eight or nine years old, I think. I believed the lies of the devil that somehow it was my fault. I sought approval in the arms of girls as I went through elementary, middle school, and even into high school. I wish I could say that I was seeking love, but I had no idea what agape love really looked like. Porn had wired me to see girls as objects to use for my gratification and build up my self-esteem instead of seeing them as the children of God that they were. I did this all the way until I met my wife in high school, my to-be wife in high school. After a three-year courtship and a two-year engagement, we were married. Two years after that, we were blessed with the first of my three sons. My brother was now back out of prison. He'd been down two other times in this short time frame. About a year and a half into his marriage, his wife went back to her first husband. It wasn't long after that my brother returned to his old coping mechanisms and even darker crimes. When this happened, I had so much anger towards my brother that I told my now young children that their uncle was dead instead of telling them the truth about his new incarceration. I'm no saint either. My addictions to alcohol, porn, and work were in full bloom now, and over the next 20 years, I grew deeper in my addictions to the point I became a blackout

drunk and I put climbing the ladder of success over spending time with my family. When my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and emphysema, I put a stop to my 70-hour work week so that I could spend time with her after work, regular work hours and on weekends. This lasted over seven months. She fought for recovery. Physically, it looked like there was a period that she may actually get to go home, but that didn't happen. During this same period, I had surgery to move two-thirds of my rectum and part of my colon due to cancerous polyps. When my mom's death struck our family in a way that we weren't expecting, I now see how God's used my mom's heartbreaking illness to point my family back towards Him. I was blessed to be with her in the hospital and hold her hand as she took her last breath on earth. My sister was the one that had to make the phone call to my brother in prison. My dad and I were emotionally wrecked. I sat next to her on the couch as she made that call and I could hear my brother crying over the phone as she told her that our mom had passed. My brother's passing marked him as a flight risk and he would not be allowed to go and say goodbye to his mom. what God used to break my heart for my brother. I laid my mom to rest, and the very next day I started chemo and radiation. Over the next six weeks, I underwent radiation Monday through Friday and wore a pump on me that fed the chemo meds into me 24-7. I'll share with you the details of what happened next, but I got so sick that I could not continue to drink. But I found out if I took enough of the prescription meds they had given me, I could escape the mental pain for a little while. I started to feel better right after the chemo ended and became very stir-crazy, and within a couple of days of finishing, I had already started to drink again. But now I'm taking these prescription drugs in ever-increasing amounts as well, fueling my depression and thoughts of suicide. Within just days of that, I was arrested and jailed for DWI. I was booked and placed into a county jail all by myself. It was there in that cell that the Holy Spirit convicted me of how self-centered I had lived

my life and how much I had hurt my wife, my children, and the rest of my family through my addictions to work, porn, and self-isolation. I was very isolated now, and I really couldn't stand myself anymore. It was there in that cell that I finally gave my entire life and will over to Christ's care and control. I later found out that this was the third step in celibate recovery. I prayed to God and asked Him to take my addictions from me and to forgive me for all the things I've done against Him and others. A strange feeling fell over me that I'd never experienced before. It was peace. It kind of felt like someone came up behind me and put a warm robe on me, and I knew that I was no longer alone in that cell, but the Holy Spirit was with me there, and I had hope for the first time in a long time, hope that God was going to make all things right. Further convicted by the Spirit, I wrote a letter on the wife on my back to my wife on the back of the inmate's behavioral handout, apologizing for all that I'd put her through and all the broken promises I'd made to her about stopping drinking. I wrote her and told her I would understand if she didn't want me anymore and that I didn't blame her if she wanted a divorce, but I begged her to give me one more chance. To my surprise, the next day my wife bailed my sorry bud out of jail. I gave her the letter after we got back home and told her everything that had happened the day and the night before. I became really sick the next day, but I still had hope, and most importantly, at that point I didn't have any cravings to drink anymore. I went to church the next Sunday, and I noticed that there was this 12-step program that was going to meet on Monday nights. I came to celebrate recovery meeting and listened in amazement at how openly these people shared their struggles as well as their victories that God had given them, and their honesty gave me more encouragement to seek out God's power and His understanding for my life's hurts, habits, and hangups. It was at CR that I learned I cannot live a productive life by myself, Will, but through

Christ I can start anew and begin to live the life that He had planned for me all along. 1 Corinthians 5.17 reminds me that, therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old is gone and the new has come. Today my life is based on God's grace, the grace I received through His sacrifice of His only Son, Jesus, and it's through His stripes I've been healed. Today I have over 19 years of sobriety from alcohol, workaholic tendency, codependent thinking, fear of failure, and much freedom from pornography, but I don't have just sobriety, I have healing. I'm now no longer dealing with anxiety, instead I'm walking in freedom from the fear of losing others as well as the opinions of the world, and I know this because I am perfectly loved despite my character defects. I wish I could say that my life has been easy since I surrendered my life's control to Jesus, but that's not true. God led my dad home, reuniting my parents in glory a year and three days from the time that my mom passed. I still miss them greatly. I have several others that I love have passed on as well. I still struggle with the lying. myself to grieve fully those who are not with me anymore. But through all of this, God has kept me, strengthened me, and blessed me, and he continues to work in my life in ways I could have never imagined. And I have faith that I will see victory in all the areas that don't reflect his glory by his help. 2 Corinthians 2 19 reminds me, so now I'm glad to boast about my weakness, so the power of Christ may work through me. I also could not have asked for a more supportive family. My wife and children show me such Christ-like love,

and they never gave up on me, even when I gave them lots of opportunities. I'm also very grateful to the Celbert Recovery Ministry for the opportunity to give back some of the love and support I've received. I've had the privilege to be there for my brothers in Christ, both as accountability partner and sponsor as we seek God's healing and power in our lives. I currently co-facilitate open share groups in my home group and my local church, and I'm led and am currently leading step-study courses in the state, county, and federal prisons since 2010. Now I've had the opportunity to share the gospel with these and others in some of the darkest places I've ever been. It's my heart's desire to bring this healing to our brothers and sisters who are incarcerated, as well as help others who have a heart for the least of these, to get them started and to encourage them in this amazing ministry. I want to remind everyone that the fields are white, but the workers are few. So please let me know, reach out and pray. I believe God is calling somebody today. I believe somebody out there on the inside is ready to step up, and God is willing and able to lead you to the place of being a sponsor for someone else.

So please have your mind open and your heart ready. God has also answered many prayers in my life as well. One of them is for that I would be able to trust Him enough to do prison ministry full-time. I walked away from a good paying job to do what I think God is asking me to do, and I've never had more joy than I've had today. Please pray with me for God's direction and that I would not be making any decisions, but He would make all of them. God has also answered my prayer to let my brother and I be reconciled. After 15 years of me cutting him off, I finally got an opportunity to call and make my amends in person. It was a time filled with great joy, tears, and prayers. I let him know how much I loved him and that I was proud of him, and we now have a growing relationship based on mutual love of God. I'm also extremely humbled by the opportunity to see His spirit move in the heart of men as they accept His forgiveness, and they seek Jesus as Lord. I praise God that He allowed me to be used for His kingdom. In conclusion, God changes people because I know He's changing me. I used to be shy, introverted, and afraid to speak in crowds, but God has changed me. I used to be selfish and possession-driven,

but now I'm driven to serve others. I used to be judgmental, unforgiving, hopeless, wracked with anxiety, but that's not me anymore. I didn't do it, but He did. I believe God has a great healing for all of us. I believe God is calling you to lift up your eyes for this pathway lies before you, and there'll be many others like me who want to walk it with you as we follow our King Jesus to His healing and peace. Thanks for letting me share.