Building Wise Friendships - Building Wise Relationships, Pt. 1

In Touch, the teaching ministry of Dr. Charles Stanley. Next on In Touch, Building Wise Friendships. How many loyal, devoted, loving, genuine, true friends do you have? You say, oh, I have a whole lot. Wait a minute now, loyal, devoted, true, genuine friends do you have? Most people couldn't fill up all five fingers with those kind of friends. I'm not talking about casual friendships. Casual friendships can be many. Casual friendships can usually come rather quickly. But real, genuine, loyal, devoted, loving friends, there are not many of those. They don't come quickly. It takes time to build them. And one of the reasons we don't have very many is simply because, first of all, we're not willing to give the time to build those kind of relationships. Secondly, we can't find enough people to trust with their life, to be open and transparent, to tell them how we feel, what our needs are, how we feel about different things in life that oftentimes cause conflict in relationships. So when you think about your friendships, let me just simply say that your friends, that is, if you have any true, genuine, loving, caring, devoted, loyal friends, they're one of the greatest assets you have in your life. And because they're assets in your life,

you have to handle them. It takes time. It takes effort. It takes energy. And oftentimes people say, well, I just don't have any friends and I wish I did. What you have to ask is, are you trying to build friendships? Are you trying to build relationships? Or do you just expect them to happen? You see, casual friendships sort of happen. Real, true, genuine, loving, loyal, devoted friends don't happen. They're not found. They're built. And the quality of the material we place in that friendship will determine how long it lasts and how satisfying it is. And oftentimes, we are in too big a hurry. We don't want to spend the time. We don't want to spend the effort. And yet we still want those kind of friendships. They don't come that way. So I want us to think about this whole idea because when you think about friendships, think about this. One of the first things that our Lord said was this. He said, having created Adam, He looked around at all this absolutely perfect garden, and here's Adam all by himself. And He said, it's not good that man be alone. Now, when the Bible speaks of man, usually it's talking about mankind,

at least in some verses. And so it's certainly not good for a man to be alone or a woman to be alone. That's what God said. So in fact, He was so persuaded and convinced of that, He gave Adam Eve. That is, He desired that they have, that he have a relationship, that he have a friendship. And so He created her and God made us for relationships, for companions and for friendship. And it is not good for us to live alone. I think anyone who lives alone can say, while the Lord maybe has brought us to a sense of satisfaction and contentment, it's still not good in lots of ways to be alone. And so God knew that, and therefore He made preparation for it. When you think, for example, in the scriptures of how many of God's servants down through the years had friends surrounding them, for example, in fact, the Bible says that God said that Abraham was His friend, that He was a friend to Abraham. And you'll recall that Moses had Aaron and Joshua as his very intimate, close friends that helped him. You'll recall that David had Jonathan, but he also had many other very loyal, devoted friends who would have given their life for him. And of course, all of us remember Daniel, the prophet Daniel.

He had three very devoted friends of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They were all such good friends to Daniel, they were willing to risk their lives on the basis of a conviction that he had and that they shared. Then the Lord Jesus Christ certainly had His friends and 12 disciples, and He knew them, He loved them, and they loved Him. And then among those 12, He had three very intimate friends, that is Peter, James, and John, not favorites, but intimates. Then the Apostle Paul, when you read the epistles, you'll discover that the Apostle Paul had numbers of friends, and he would say, would you please tell Luke to come to see me, or Timothy, or whoever it might have been. He had numbers of friends, he had lots to say about them because they were very important to him. In fact, one of the greatest assets you and I have is a loyal, devoted, faithful friend. When we don't have those, there's something missing in our life. And so, I would simply ask you, can you look around in your life today and say, well, yes, I do have one, two, three of those friends. If you have three of those kind of friends, you are so very, very blessed. And what I want to talk about in this message is, listen, I want to talk about building wise friendships. There are all kinds of relationships and all kinds of friendships, but how do you build wise friendships?

Those friendships that make a difference in our life as well as the life of the person who becomes our friend. So, I want you to turn to just one single verse in Proverbs chapter 18. And I want you to look, if you will, at the 24th verse. Let me explain it for a moment. 24th verse of this 18th chapter of Proverbs, and here's what the scripture says. The Bible says that a man, and let me just say this, when the Bible says a man, that's a man or a woman. So, I'm just going to say that one time, and that means mankind, men, women, whoever. Listen to this. A man or a woman of too many friends comes to ruin. Well, you say, well, what in the world could that mean? Looks like to me, the more friends you have, the better off you have. But listen to what he says. A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a blood brother. There is a friend who sticks closer than even a blood brother. Now, when he says a man of too many friends comes to ruin, what does it mean? The word ruin here means to be shaken so badly that you fall to pieces. When a person comes to ruin, they're shaken so badly by something, they just fall to pieces. And what he's saying is this, that this person who has so many friends, they have many friends, their friendships are broad, but not very deep. That is, when things get rough, they get going. And so he says when this happens, there's no one to depend upon, no real genuine anchoring friend to depend upon. And so when it going gets rough, they're gone. And so he says the person falls to pieces.

Do you have a friend who will stick by you no matter what? I am very grateful that I have a handful of friends who will stick by me no matter what. Do they always agree with me? No. Do they love me? Yes. Are they loyal, devoted, faithful, true, genuine friends? Yes. And in all the difficulties and hardships in my own life, these people have stood with me, stood by me, no matter what. Genuine, loving, loyal, devoted friends. And most people could not find three of those kind of people in their life. So what you have to ask is, why don't I have more friends? How do I develop those kind of friendships, those kind of friendships that really satisfy? Those kind of friendships that you feel their devotion, you feel their love, you feel their acceptance, you love being in their presence. There's something anchoring in your soul about that kind of friendship. Well, that's what I want to talk about in this message. And I want us to think for just a moment about this whole idea. It is certainly God's plan for the life of every single one of us to have genuine, intimate friends. Maybe not many, but at least some. Close friends, a number of close friends. But those very, very few small group, that one or two or maybe three or maybe a few more than that, if you can do that. Genuine, intimate friends. And I want to talk about what's required to do that. And when you think about those kind of friends and you think about what the Lord

said when he said, it's not good for man to be alone, he intended for us to build, to develop, to establish, to have those kind of relationships to help fill up our life. What happens in a friendship? What happens in a friendship is that we are able to grow spiritually because having developed that intimacy, we can share our heart. We can say, here's what's good. I don't understand what God's doing in my life. And oftentimes, he will help the other person and he will give them an insight into your life to help you understand what you're feeling and why you're feeling and what's going on in your life. So there are very, very rich rewards in developing wise relationships, wise friendships. And I want to repeat it. One of the greatest assets you and I have in our life are those devoted, loyal, loving, listen, godly friendships that God has placed in our life and that we've cultivated and that we've reached out to. And God has developed that in their lives and in our life together. Now, the big question is this, how do I develop that kind of relationship? How do I build that kind of friendship with anyone? Well, I want to go back to say, remember, that oftentimes our background has an effect upon the way we were treated. It doesn't have to be just necessary in your childhood, but the way you've been treated in your adulthood. The way we've been treated in the past oftentimes highly influences our capacity to be able to build wise relationships, wise friendships. So, what I want to do is I want to give you a list of things that I know will prove helpful. And I'll simply want to put it this way,

that is we build wise, we listen, we build wise friendships when, and I'm going to give you a list of things. We build wise friendships when we share, listen, a deep mutual concern. That is a mutual interest that you have. Certainly, all of us who are believers have a wonderful mutual interest. Now, if you want to build a wise friendship, wise relationship, that mutual interest as a believer should always be, and certainly a part of that should be the Lord Jesus Christ. If you have a relationship and a friendship that you can't ever mention His name without the other person being slightly objecting to it or feel like you want to, don't push me, there's something wrong with that relationship. Unless it is a relationship that you're willing to lead this person to Jesus Christ, then I can understand that. When we're talking about building friendships, loyal, devoted, loving friendships, first of all, certainly that's going to begin with a mutual sense of deep interest and things that you have together. Then, this is a very important one. We can build, listen, we can build these kind of friendships wise friendships when, listen, when, this is very important because I want to comment about this in a moment, when that friendship

is based on my meeting their needs, not their meeting my needs. That is, if my friendship is built on the fact that I'm needy and I need the other person to be needy, that friendship probably will not go very far. Secondly, because it is motivated out of a sense of personal selfishness or ambition, because that need could be emotional need, it could be physical need, it could be financial need, it could be material need. That is, if I'm building a relationship and a friendship based on my neediness, that's not going to work. So, there are people who are so codependent that when they have a relationship with someone, they immediately begin to lean on the other person. And oftentimes, that very attitude will drive that person with whom you want to be a friend away. Now, I believe that God wants to bring all of us to the place where He is absolutely sufficient in our life. So, I know in my own life, for example, I've lived long enough, a number of years now, alone. And I know that God does know how to bring us to the place in our life. Now, listen carefully, where we do not feel needy. We don't need anyone. Now, I didn't say we do not need people, but that we don't have this neediness so that our relationships and friendships are based on I need this, I need you, I need that.

I need him, I need her. Because those kind of relationships don't really last very long oftentimes. But the Lord Jesus Christ in our heart can bring us to a point of such absolute, complete, listen, adequacy, sufficiency, completeness, contentment in Him that we then can build very godly, wise, wonderful, contenting, energizing, motivating friendships because it isn't based on need. It is based now on how can I help this person? How can I meet their needs? How can I be the person they need me to be to them? And so, there is a difference between developing a friendship based on this very needy, I need you kind of feeling and I must have you kind of feeling and a freedom from all of that that makes it possible for us to build very wise, godly, contenting, fruitful, delightful, pure relationships and friendships. And so, it's very important. If we're going to build wise ones, we have to remember it can't be based on this whole issue of what can they do for me, but rather what can I do for them? You see, I'll tell you how you can know how free you are. You can sort of gauge, this is a good barometer for your friendships. Am I this person's friend because I need them

or because I think God can use me to contribute something to their life? You see, you really can't build wise, lasting friendships if you're always needy about something. When you are free from neediness and you're able to give and give and give because you see, the truth is, when you have a wise friendship, you're going to want to be giving. Well, a person who's real needy is on the receiving end most of the time and they can get real touchy, real sensitive, and oftentimes it doesn't take much. to take them off because they're so needy. Because you see, what happens is their world has absolutely conquered them and they're controlled by this neediness. God doesn't want that. And I would say to anyone, if you're thinking about getting married, you be sure, number one, you're not marrying somebody who's a very, very needy, needy person. Because listen to me carefully, say amen if you're listening. I knew you was going to say amen on this one. Because, listen to me, no man will ever be able to meet all of any woman's needs. No woman can meet all of any man's needs because only Jesus can do that. He will use the other person and He will work through them to meet needs, whether they're material needs or physical needs or emotional needs or whatever it may be. He will use them, that's part of it.

But ultimately, no one person can meet all your needs. And so, if you're one of those needy persons and that's why you're contemplating marriage, you're going to get yourself in trouble. And this is why when people are divorced and three months later they're with somebody else and they're into another marriage in six months and they've not let years go by, what happens is they ricochet off of one onto the other and carry their neediness onto the other person and all they do is duplicate their problem. Likewise, if we're going to build these kind of relationships and we're going to build these kind of friendships, we must be willing to risk rejection and pain. We're all going to have it because all of us are human. Here's what happens. Two people can love each other or two people can have a good relationship and one of them's going to do something that the other one feels rejected or feels like, well, you weren't thinking about me, you didn't care. And they're going to feel pain. Listen, if you're waiting until you can find someone who will cause you no pain, who will cause you no sense of rejection, and whose life is such that you'll never have any hurt, you'll never have a relationship. Because Jesus, for example, He caused the apostle Peter some pretty straight pain. He said to him, you act like the devil. That had to be painful in front of the rest of them. And so therefore, when we come to building these wise relationships and friendship, you've got to be willing to

suffer a little hurt, a little pain, a little misunderstanding, and some rejection. And there are many people who've been so rejected and so hurt and so full of pain, they say, I can't stand anymore. It's just not worth it. Yes, it is. It's worth the pain and rejection to feel loved and anchored by a genuine, true, loving, devoted, loyal friend. Yes, it's worth it. Sure, it's worth it. But you see, you'll never grow up until you're willing to be hurt. You'll never grow up until you can live, listen, when you can live through the hurt and the pain, and you can live through it with that person no matter what. You want to build strong relationships and friendships? You, listen, when we do and we really choose to do so, we can do that when we love sacrificially. If I love sacrificially, it means that I can give and expect nothing in return. It means that I can also give when I have needs, but I don't have to mention them. It means that I can put myself second. It means when I don't agree, I can still condescend to do whatever I need to do. It means if I love sacrificially, I'm willing to lay down my life and lay down my wants and my wishes in order to please and to make the other person happy and to bring them to contentment and joy in their life. And you see, if you don't know how to love, how are you going

to build any strong, genuine friendships? And people develop friendships that are not based on love because they're not based on a godly responsibility. They're not based on genuine concern and intimacy with each other, they're based on other things. And so, when a person is building wise relationships, wise friendships, they are willing and they can love sacrificially. That means they don't always have to have their way. Even though they think they're right sometimes, they don't have to have their way. They're willing to lay that down. If you're going to have those kind of relationships, you must be willing to be open and transparent. Now, what do I mean by that? Simply this, if you're going to build a friendship with someone, you've got to open your heart. You've got to be willing to say, you know, let me tell you how I'm feeling and not worry about whether the other person's going to respond in the wrong way or not. To be transparent says I'm going to be open, honest about my feelings, about what I'm thinking, how I'm thinking, why I thought that way, why I did this. And the other person may... question that, but you know what, if you wait till you get somebody who always agrees with you, that's not friendship. Friends are willing to confront, but genuine, true friends confront in love. They confront with the idea of edifying the other person, building them up, strengthening them, helping them to see their

relationship to God, helping them to understand what is best in their life. You see, if you're going to build those kind of friendships, it takes effort, it takes energy, and I must be willing to open my heart. And I have tried to build friendships with a couple of people in my life that I shared my heart, opened my spirit, my soul, my very being. I didn't hold anything back. Not one single time did they open their heart even to a pinhead's width. Now, the tragedy of people like that is this. What they don't realize is when they shut you out, they shut themselves up to their own loneliness. My heart goes out to people who are lonely, who shut themselves into a very small world for fear of rejection, further rejection, fear of further hurt, further pain. You know what? You're not going to get out from behind that wall until you're willing to risk it. Are you going to get hurt? Yes. Pain? Yes. Rejection? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. But you've got to be willing to get out. You got to be willing to spill it.

Say, you know what? I'm imperfect. Here's what happened in my life, and I need help. I need your understanding. I need your prayers, whatever it might be. What a beautiful way to establish a lasting friendship when you're challenged and motivated to help grow the other person up in their spiritual life. Likewise, when we really and truly want to develop lasting, true, genuine friendships, we will do that when the principles of Scripture govern our relationship, when the principles of Scripture govern our relationship. Now, that would eliminate a lot of things in people's lives. If they said, you know what? We, I certainly want to be your friend, and I would be interested in building a friendship relationship with you. And let's just decide in the very beginning that the principles of the Word of God will govern our relationship. It'll govern what we say to each other. It'll govern how we react to each other. It will govern our conduct and our behavior in public and in private. It will govern every aspect of our life because we want a godly relationship. And when you can say that I, or when you choose to build a relationship governed by the principles of the Word of God, you're going to build a fantastic relationship, a loving, loyal, devoted, immeasurable, incomparable, indescribable relationship that will bring you the greatest sense of contentment

and joy and peace and happiness in your life, no matter what. Your greatest asset, those kind of friends. And remember this, they don't come cheap. They don't come quickly. They come over a period of time. If you're not willing to invest any time and any effort, you won't build real, lasting friendships. But if you are, it'll be one of the greatest assets of your life, bring you the most joy. Now, I want to talk about one particular friendship. I want to talk about the most important friendship that you and I have. And that is our friendship with Jesus Christ. He said to His disciples in John chapter 15, that fifteenth verse, He says, You're My friends. Not only were they His friends, you know what? Every single one of us, the Lord Jesus Christ desires to develop a friendship with us. And it was interesting after the first service, this young lady came by and she said, How do I see Jesus as my friend and at the same time see His, see Him as the supreme Sovereign of the universe? How do I see Him that way? And so I simply said to her this, I said, You know, I can acknowledge that He's the Sovereign of the universe. He's the Sovereign of the universe who is so great and so grand and so glorious and so powerful and so awesome and so loving that when I call upon Him, He listens to me personally. When I talk to Him, all of His sovereign power does not

separate us. It draws us into oneness. It is possible to have an intimate, loving, satisfying, contenting, eternal relationship with the Son of God. And remember this, this relationship is built on His unconditional love for us, on His continuing forgiveness. Listen, on His eternal plan for us, so that when you develop a friendship with Jesus, it's eternal, it is forever, and no matter what happens, that friendship will never be broken. And I want to ask you if you've never trusted Him as your Savior, no matter how many other friends you have, there will always be a gap in your heart, always be an empty space there because there's a space created there in your life for Jesus. The best friends you'll ever have, and He's yours for the asking. If you ask Him, Lord Jesus, forgive me of my sins. I do believe that your death on the cross paid my sin debt in full, and I'm asking you to forgive me and trusting you to become my Savior, my Lord, my Master, and surely I want you to be my friend. You know how long it'll take Him to do that? Just about like that. He's ready to build a relationship with you that'll satisfy you forever and ever and ever.