Angie's Testimony

Hi, I'm Angie. I'm a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, and I'm in recovery for an alcohol addiction. And if you would, I'm going to say a quick prayer before I begin. Dear Heavenly Father, I just pray for a peace and a calm to settle in this room, Lord. Just let me feel the Holy Spirit present. Thank you for this opportunity to share. Pray for, to reach anybody that has gone through similar struggles as me, that they would find some similarities and know that they don't have to carry the weight of that shame, Lord. It's in your name we pray, amen. Against doctor's advice, I was born on January 19th, 1970 in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. My mother was urged to abort me. She had already lost one pregnancy, and they said her heart was too weak to survive childbirth, much less carry a baby to term. But she carried me anyway. I am the oldest of three girls. Psalm 139.13 says, For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb. My earliest childhood memory at five years old was watching my father physically abuse my mother. I can remember being barely tall enough to reach the back pockets of his jeans and beating on them with my little fist saying, I hate you over and over while he had her pinned against the closet door. I have no memories of us being a happy family, not even in pictures. My father worked out of town Monday through Thursday and was home only on weekends. He was an abusive alcoholic, and my mother left him when I was in the first grade. Psalm 91.4 says, He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. My dad was never abusive to us girls, nor do I have any memories of him drinking around us.

But he wasn't around much when we were growing up. When I was seven years old, my mom and sisters moved to Nashville, and I stayed behind with my paternal grandparents to finish the second grade. I remember missing them so much, and even though it was only for a semester, it seemed like a lifetime to a little girl. I didn't realize until coming into recovery the abandonment that I still carried. Psalm 27.10 says, Even if my father and mother abandoned me, the Lord will hold me close. My sisters came to visit for the summer, and in August we all moved to our new home in Tennessee. My dad was angry about the move out of state and didn't want to help in any way, believing he was punishing my mom for her choices when really it was us girls who suffered. We were poor, but my mom worked multiple jobs to provide for us. We had each other, and over time we built a strong support system. We moved several times with her job changes before finally settling in Mount Juliet when I was in the fourth grade. I remember being painfully shy in elementary school, so being the new kid made blending into the background difficult, but thankfully we stayed in the same small town the rest of my high school years, the rest of my school years, and I made some lifelong friends. From age seven to 17, my sisters and I would spend summers in North Carolina with our dad and extended family. He loved us, but he really had no clue what to do with three young girls, and his job took him out of town during the week, so our time was split between both sets of grandparents. The best memories of my childhood were spent with our cousins playing outside all day. My paternal grandparents took all us grandkids to church every time the doors were open and instilled a love for Jesus in me. My dad was home to spend time with us on the weekends, and there were a few summers that he took us on Myrtle Beach vacations, so there were some happy memories with him. He stopped drinking and remarried when I was 11 years old to a woman with three kids of her own, so I instantly had two stepbrothers and a stepsister, and my dad had a whole new family.

My stepmom was good to us, but her kids came first, and we felt that in every way. They always had the nicest of everything and played all the sports in school. We never felt like there was room in their house for us when summers came around. Back home in Mount Juliet, my sisters and I began attending church via the church bus every Sunday morning, while our mom enjoyed probably the only quiet time she had each week. One Sunday morning when I was 12, I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. I remember the joy I felt when I was baptized, but I eventually fell out of staying involved in church, and my faith took a backseat to a new discovery—boys. I had my first boyfriend, first kiss, and my first breakup, all in the matter of a few weeks. Back then, everything took place at the skating rink on a Friday night. It was the place to be. We didn't have money for a lot of extracurricular things, so I started babysitting to make myself some money for things like skating and an Opryland season pass. When I wasn't babysitting, my junior high years were spent hanging out with friends and fooling around with boys. They became my extracurricular activity and I lost my virginity the summer before 10th grade. I liked the attention that I was missing at home because of an absent father and a mother who worked all the time to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. I had my first drink when I was 15 years old. It was my first year of high school and I desperately wanted to fit in. I quickly found my place of acceptance with the party and school skipping crowd and I was always down for a fun time if I could get away with it and most times I did.

My mom's longtime boyfriend was a successful musician and we got to be a part of that lifestyle when I was just starting to experiment with alcohol and drugs, which were present most of the time. So it was acceptable for me to occasionally smoke pot and drink under their supervision. They embraced the, if you're going to do it, we'd rather you do it in our presence mentality. I remember getting a happy birthday joint on my 16th birthday and being allowed to hang out with some of the band guys who were much older than me. Being the oldest daughter, I've always joked that my mom cut her teeth on me. She knows she made mistakes along the way and we all grew and learned from them. This same year, I began dating my first love, Tony. He had quit school and I pretty much skipped school almost every day that semester to be with him. Eventually the school sent home a letter saying that I had been unenrolled and it reached my mom before I could intercept it. She marched me right back into the principal's office and I was re-enrolled in classes with a bonus, a truancy officer. Tony and I continued to see each other against my mom's wishes. And shortly after my 17th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. At first, the thought of my very own family

with a mom and a dad was exciting, something I never had, but then reality sunk in and I knew my mom would kill me or worse, send me to live with my dad. We decided that abortion was our only option so off to Planned Parenthood we went and even though we never ever talked about it again, I'll never forget that awful day. From the protesters outside to the packed room of young girls inside, all there for the same reason and most were probably just like me without parental consent. Afterwards, we continued with our teenage lives like nothing ever happened, but I carried such unbearable shame and guilt with me over that decision. We broke up over the summer before my senior year, but I would run into him from time to time. He never married, never had children and ended up taking his own life on April 21st of 2000 at the age of 32. Romans 8.38 says, and I'm convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love, neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow, not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. During my senior year of high school, my mom was laid off from her job due to health issues. We could no longer afford the house we were renting so my sisters went to spend a year

with our dad in North Carolina and I stayed at my best friend's house to finish school. This was a win-win for me, living with, going to school with, working with and partying with my best friend. And did I mention I was dating her older brother? The downside was I had a car that my dad had bought me but no license to drive it. This was my mom's way of grounding me and controlling me because she didn't have eyes on me. So I was dependent on anyone and everyone to get to school, to work, to wherever. After high school graduation, I was completely on my own, finally driving, still working the same job, going out with friends, and mostly sleeping on my aunt's couch because I didn't have a stable place to live. That fall, I met my first husband and we quickly became serious, moving into our own place just three months later. We were married in 1991 and welcomed our daughter into the family the next year. My mom also met and married a wonderful man this same year. I always wanted to be a wife and a mother and to have a family of my own, but it quickly became a very painful and difficult journey. We still smoked and drank on the weekends, especially when we had a babysitter and a night out, but he began experimenting with harder drugs. And I won't pretend I never tried them myself,

but for him, it turned into a serious addiction that took decades to overcome. He spent time in treatment, a state away, while I was working part-time, caring for our toddler daughter and pregnant with our son. We got by with government assistance and help from our family, including my dad, even though we had been estranged for over a year. It was a hard season as my stepfather was battling cancer during this time. Our son was born that summer of. 1994, and my stepfather passed away just five weeks later. In 1997, I suffered a miscarriage almost 10 years to the date of my abortion, and I felt such heartbreak, like God was punishing me for the life I had ended years before. We started attending church and marriage counseling. I rededicated my life to Christ and was baptized again. We had a few good years, moved to Hendersonville, and met new neighbors and friends, but his addiction kept pulling him back and deeper each time. Throughout our marriage, he had multiple affairs that, along with the continued drug abuse, brought chaos into our home, including arrests, jail time, and probation. I tried to hold everything together for the sake of our children. Through my codependency, my fear of being alone, and my need to be needed, I slowly lost myself trying to fix someone that I couldn't fix. I was emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted. After 13 years of marriage, he told me he was in love with someone else, wanted a divorce, and moved out into his own apartment. We tried to reconcile, and he moved home after six months away, but I quickly realized that I no longer loved him. I had strong feelings for someone else who I'd relied on and confided in during our separation, and I'm ashamed to admit that I acted on those feelings before ending my

marriage. I left him. I walked away from a 17-year relationship once and for all, which brought its own struggles and feelings of guilt, shame, and failure. I entered into a relationship with this other man whom I already deeply loved. What followed was a painful, messy divorce. The hardest part was watching our children get caught in the middle of it all, something I went through as a child and never wanted them to experience. They hurt the most, and that broke my heart. By the grace of God, we all got through it, and after everything, I had finally found true love, happiness, and a peace. Mike and I were married July 17, 2006. We enjoyed bowling, football games, concerts, and hanging out with friends, all which revolved around alcohol. The following December 16, 2007, our son was born, and Mike was accepted into the Metro Police Academy, completely changing careers from barber to police officer. And to say that was an adjustment would be an understatement. My drinking significantly increased to an unhealthy level in my 40s. I began to binge drink and black out drink. I couldn't have just one. I had to have it all until there was no more. Looking back at my teenage years, I could see that the problems started back then because I was always that girl who never wanted the party to end. When the lights came on at the bar, I was the one saying, where are we going now? It was my way of numbing all the hard stuff, and I didn't like when I had to sober up and face reality again. It was also the answer for all the feelings, happy, sad, mad, bored, and it was a big problem. I still always managed to be the responsible adult, parent, employee, until I wasn't, until I started calling in sick because I was so hungover, skipping commitments, or showing up with a buzz.

I quit completely for a while, 21 months in fact, but I did it alone without a program or support system in place. So when temptation finally caught me off guard, I gave in. I could go for months at a time alcohol-free if I really tried, but still that evil monster would rear its ugly head and pull me back down into a bottle over the slightest thing. I was ashamed, depressed, anxious, and unhealthy in every way, and I hid from God and isolated from everyone. This roller coaster would continue for a decade, stealing my life almost completely. I changed jobs after 14 years to be closer to home. I was so miserable at my new company that I couldn't cope. My drinking was out of control. I would drink any time of day, anything with alcohol, even mouthwash just to keep from getting the shakes or getting sick. I felt like I was having a mental breakdown and asked my husband to take me somewhere. I spent four days at the mental health co-op, and the fog began to lift just in time for me to be released to go home and immediately start drinking again. I quit my job and stayed home for the next year. My husband would lock up any alcohol we had while he was away at work. By the time he came home, I would be begging for him to unlock that closet. He was at a loss and decided the only thing he could do to help me before I drank myself to death was call an intervention with my family. I was passed out on the couch and awoke to my family staring at me and my bags packed to go to my mother's house to detox and figure out what I was going to do to help myself because no one could do it for me. at 51 years old in 2021, and the week after my first grandson was born, I went into treatment. Leaving my family, especially my daughter, who just became a mother herself, was one of the hardest steps I've ever taken. But God was with me the whole time. I remember laying in the bed the night before and crying out to God to help me get through this, and He met me right there in that little bedroom.

I finished praying and put on some music to fall asleep to, and the song, Lord, I'm Ready Now, came on, and I felt a peace I had never experienced before. Psalm 121 says, I took my troubles to the Lord, I cried out to Him, and He answered my prayer. Sobriety was the very best gift I could have ever given myself and my family. I will forever be grateful to my therapist for the breakthrough that took place in those 28 days. I was finally able to open up and start to forgive 17-year-old me. I completed inpatient and outpatient treatment, did 90 meetings in 90 days, and we were back in church. No more running from God and hiding in my shame. Psalm 34 5 says, Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy. No shadow of shame will darken their faces. A new and newly sober friend invited me to Long Hollow Celebrate Recovery. We had been members of Long Hollow for years, but I was always too ashamed and afraid to go to CR by myself. So I said yes and met her there. I signed up for my first step study, which started two nights later, and it would enrich my life in so many positive ways. Being in that step study for the next 10 months was truly life-changing. Working the steps helped me realize just how heavy the weight of my guilt and shame from my past abortion really was. It was the root cause of my alcohol addiction, and I was finally able to open up, talk about my pain, and begin the healing process. I have an amazing sponsor who listens, encourages, challenges, and prays with me, wonderful accountability partners who have become like sisters, and a small group of precious ladies who share similar life struggles as me. All are crucial to truly living a life of recovery. I continued my healing journey by going through Surrendering the Secret, a post-abortion healing Bible study, and now I get the privilege to lead other women through this freedom journey

of releasing that shame and guilt. We take the power from Satan when we step into the light and surrender. God and Celebrate Recovery are absolutely restoring what the devil and alcohol were destroying in my life. And praise the Lord, I celebrated five years of sobriety this past January. I have a beautifully restored relationship with my husband, children, and family. My kids trust me with their kids. And being a Mimi to Wade, Eloise, Wyatt, and Fiona is my favorite thing in the whole wide world. My mom and I are very close, and I enjoy spending time with her. We can talk about anything without defensiveness, anger, or resentment. My relationship with my dad and stepmom has grown and improved over the years, and we text and talk on the phone often. My dad's not good at that, though, but he tries. They are proud of my sobriety, and I know I am blessed to still have them here. I was even able to forgive and make amends with my ex-husband, and we co-grandparent way better than we ever co-parented. Mike and I have been through so much together in our almost 20 years of marriage, loss of loved ones, cancer diagnosis, sickness, multiple surgeries, and alcohol addiction. He is my person, my life partner, my best friend, and now we get to celebrate recovery together. We consider Monday nights at CR our date night, and praise God, our four grandchildren will never see their Mimi and Pawpaw with a drink in their hands. Psalm 103, 2-4 says, Let all that I am, praise the Lord, may I never forget the good things He does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. Since coming to CR, I have completed two step studies and will be starting my third in a few weeks. I have the honor and privilege of being a sponsor to some incredible women, co-leading women's chemical small groups, serving on our Long Hollow Celebrate Recovery team as the Encourage Your Apprentice, and recently went on my first mission trip to Costa Rica.

God is truly restoring what the locust had eaten. If you surrender to Him, God will turn your mess into a message, your pain into purpose, your trials into triumphs, your struggles into strength, and your brokenness into breakthrough. Psalm 147, 3 says, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Thanks for letting me share.